Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend thinks I'm big

I really don't know what to do! When I was 19 I broke up with a guy who was emotionally and physically abusive. I was down to nothing. No self esteem. No friends. No family support. I ended up clubbing with my friends a bit and met a new guy at a club. Eager to sooth my emotional pain I started seeing him. He seemed OK at first and we had been seeing each other for 2 weeks. He would constantly make remarks about other girls being so hot etc etc. and our time was always scheduled around him. I didn't love it, but thought that's just how it was whenseeing someone. Anyway, he started to get pushy telling me I had to either go out with him or I couldn't speak to him anymore because he was sick of girls messing him around. I was really delicate at that stage and just needed a friend, or at least tp take things slow (he knew about my relationship breakdown as a friend told him).
I stupidly said yes. He would pressure me to sleep at his house and lie to my family because of it. I would, because I was stupid! So by now we were exclusive. He would still catch up with girls he had just met at work etc. for coffee... I forced myself to be OK with this. He would talk about how they liked him. Still, I was OK. Then one night he said to me 'you have to go home now because I'm going out' and had this smirk on his face. I wanted to ask who with but didn't because I didn't want to be overbearing.
the next day I saw him, he was acting weird and short. I tried to think nothing of it. I slept with him 3 times that day (which wasn't unusual) but when he wanted more and I didn't want to anymore (it was completely removed and unaffectionate and he was so grumpy with me that day) he pulled a guilt trip saying how I wasn't going to see him for a few days and I wouldn't do it again. So. Like a good girlfriend. I did. A few days later he said I would have to make a big decision. I knew what was coming, he told me he cheated and I had to forgive him or let him go with her.
I was really upset but forgave him. He said it was because I wasn't affectionate enough to him (remember I was really down at this time and so nervous to be with this new guy)... I tried to be affectionate but he was always removed and concerned with other people. Even after I forgave him he would say how beautiful this girl he cheated with was, how talkative and sweet and bubbly, and how skinny she was. (she knew he had a girlfriend and was seeing 5 other guys so can't have been that sweet!). It was mental torture for me. I was very reserved at this time in my life because I was so low, and he was making me more down. I didn't think I could hate myself more. But with him, I did..
we were in a relationship for 2 years. In this time he told me I was 'realistic shaped' and bigger than other girls and had a big bum, but he realised it wasn't 'realistic' for me to be thinner. I was 5'3 53kgs, went to gym everyday doing weights and cardio. Was very fit, not wanting to brag but in the past people had liked my fit hourglass figure. I would often get compliments from random people and would be the 'hot one' at work etc. if there was anything I was going to be confident in it was my looks (but very barely).
he tried to see her for 6 or so months. Wanted to go ice skating, I said that's fine but I wanted to come and he wouldn't let me! I thought I was reasonable for letting him be friends after what happened. He would talk about how people at work made jokes about the 2 of them being lovers etc. we would go out and he would point out 'all the beautiful girls' and some in particular. He didn't look at me. Sometimes I would catch exes just giving me a sexy look behind my back checking me out (as bf's do I guess? I see my mates bfs do it to them) but he never did that. He would not look at me in my underwear/naked. Was completely uninterested saying 'ive already seen you and know what you look like'
he would say his friends are 'lucky bastards' because they are in dorms with dancers at uni (I was also a dancer! But he didn't recognise that). He would say he loves how low girls knickers and jeans are on them. I was like 'on me?' he would say 'no, in general'.
I would sleep with him every day 3 times a day, one week I didn't because I went on holiday and he said he often feels like cheating but won't because he is with me. He was at a music festival staying in a girls dorm when he said that. He also said 'one day if we are married I may meet someone else I'm more attracted to, that has the same interests as me (music- he wanted to be a musician... he is 27) and then have to decide to leave you. When I got back from my holiday I was hurt by that and couldn't bring myself to sleep with him. He would tell his friends 'he wasn't getting any' and would ring me up drunk saying 'i want sex'.
he would put me down in front of his mates. Would call in sick for work then ring me and expect me to do the same, or to cancel my day plans because he had for me. (this wasn't discussed, he just did it then expected it)... he was very controlling and I was very down. He would cancel nights for us 2 and go on 'boys nights' which I understood, but then would go to girls houses. When he studied music it tore my heart up because of the comments he said about meeting someone else. Yet I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to ruin his dream and wanted to support him.
he would see posters when walking past lingerie shops and literally stop in front. Cross his arms, look it up and down and smirk while nodding his head, when he was with me.
he would comment on me eating too much... even justfruit. Yet say it was because he didn't want me to get fat and get upset.
because I was so low, I did some stupid things when I was drunk. We had a fight and I smashed a plate, another time I lashed out at his friend (his friend would always make snide remarks that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend to him because we always fought)... and one time I was too drunk and lashed out. I felt bad and apologised both times profusely (sp?) and saw a counsellor... she explained to me how his behaviour was controlling. After 2 years I finally broke it off... I did so while on holiday. I went away and realised I could live and be happy without him, I was going to wait until I got back but it would be 2 months so did it over the phone (which he never lets me forget)- I do feel really guilty for it to this day. We didn't talk for a year (I had 2 other bad bfs), then we got in contact again (3 years on from when we met). He says he sees the wrong from the past (which sometimes I believe) and some things have changed, yet some things haven't. We have been in contact for a year now, me deciding whether to go back with him. I feel myself esteem has plummetted again, but its my fault.
he says he did used to think badly of my body and did think my bum was too big but now he doesn't. I feel like I should be happy with this but it feels like he is running salt into the wounds, just another chance to say 'yeah you were never good enough for me, but ill accept you now, aren't you lucky!' I feel like I should be happy with this but I feel so angry from the past. At the same time I feel so guilty about the things I did. I feel guilty that's its been a year and I have only slept with him twice. I feel like I owe him for 'waiting for me' yet I cent get over the past. Especially wnen he says that he didn't think I was good enough back them (even though all his friends used to comment how hot they thought I was and how did he get me etc). I told him we can try it out for a month, then he took that as an opportunity to say 'from now on then I am going to record evertime you are angry at me'... I feel that is controlling and MAKES me angrier. I do get upset a lot from the past because he tells me to 'get over it' and I feel like I shhould but something inside tells me not to.
he will go out clubbing and not reassure me that he isn't chattiing other girls up etc. his ex love interest (who he wouldn't deny being over when he was with me, also saying she was a 'diamond in the rough' - different girl from the cheating one) would contact him calling him his nickname and he couldn't see anything wrong with that. He would add random girls onto his fb. Even though most things seem to have changed these things still upset me because of the past! I just don't know how to deal with it and get over it and forgive him (I can forgive him when we are not together, but when we are I start to hurt again and wonder why I wasn't and still can't seem to be good enough),
because I haven't slept with him this year he says I have low libido, yet he still doesn't look at me or seem interested in me especially if other girls are around. I was also house sitting, he said his parents were kicking him out, he asked if he could stay with me. At first I said yes, then 2 weeks before I moved into the house we were fighting a lot so I said its best if he doesn't stay. He put the guilt trip on saying he was counting on me and has nowhere to go. Turns out, 6 months later he is still at his parents and has offers to move into his mates but won't because girls live there and he doesn't want to upset me. Truth is, before he said that he said that it was too small and messy and that's why he didn't want to live there.
his friends all think I am this controlling cow because of the crazy things they seen/ heard of me do when drunk (twice) yet they don't see everything he did. But I feel I am in the wrong and need to change. But I don't know how to feel secure with him!!

oh also when we origibally went out he would talk about moving away and travelling the world/ working away for months and months with no thought of me.I was expected to stay behind and wait for him. This would come up every few months when I was trying to get over 'my insecurities' after he would put me down etc. he also went on a holiday with his mate and didn't tell me when he was coming back, just expected me to wait. Then he came back on a big public hol when all the highways were closed, I was at a party. He wanted me to leave, to get him at the airport because he spent all his money on alcohol. I left the party to go, then something held me back (probably closed highways!) and he put the guilt trip on. Magically he 'found' money in his pants to get him home... the night before he left to go on this trip (which had no time limit) he wanted to see me, yet he needed to go to his friends party because his friend made him 'promise that they would go to each others' I said that's fine but he expected me to pick him up an hour away when he was drunk so I could see hime the night before he left (note:him being drunk). I had to work the next morning and said no. he expected me to get work off and said I didn't care because I wouldn't make time for him!
he also had a birthday party the week before this. I told him not to have it on one particular night because it was a mates 30th... he made it that night. He expected me to forfeit the 30th... I just went to the 30th late, but the principal annoyed me. We had been together for 2 years and still there was no thought in this! He still sees nothing wrong with this.

I need to decide now to be with him or not. I have dragged it on for too long! But I am afraid I will never find anyone else and all him and his friends will blame me...

Wow sorry that was far too long... not sure how to cut it down but should get the gist if you just skim parts of it... I don't expect people to read THAT! Lol

I can't believe you have put up with this jerks crappy behaviour for so long,left,and then went back for more!

A councillor told you he was controlling,they were telling you the truth.

Stop this mental and emotional abuser.. stop him today,no contact,take time to heal and love yourself,there are years of bad relationships in your life,time to cull the bad guys and time for you to move on.

Build yourself esteem and confidence back up,you already know this guy is not good for you,get angry,and you have every right to be,and use it to your advantage,run,run away from this guy,and don't look back.

Don't even consider getting back with this emotional moron. He's abusing you-and he comes across as a complete sadist.

Walk away-no,run and never speak to him again.

And maybe you should see your therapist again and do some work on your selfesteem issues.

Thank you both for your answers... so sorry it was so long! I was trying to set the scene but I guess my thing is, I feel like he has changed for the most part... but how do I know that he is not just saying things now to make me feel better?

i.e. I find you attractive... now (the now part gets me though, I feel like that is still abusive? Because he is stating he didn't think I was at the start.)

I know, I wish I walked away as soon as he cheated. I then wished I never considered him again. But now I feel I am in too far and owe him for the changes he has made.

It also hurts that his friends think he is so great and I am such a cow for the things I did. Which I also hate myself for.

I have been to counselors since and they told me maybe he would respect me more if I gave him another go? And they asked why won't I give it another go.. truth is- I am scared to walk away in case he has changed/ he has in some ways, and I won't find anyone better. Yet I am scared to get tangled up in the abusive cycle again

I was always feeling so guilty for what I did (plate throwing etc. breaking up on holiday) and I always feel I owe him. And I still feel it now. And his mates and my family think I do. They think he is wonderful because he is quiet spoken and seemingly sweet.

There again, I can't just forget the past and if he screws me over again I will have only myself to blame. I feel he will move on with someone beautiful and wonderful and smart and funny and kind and I will be left alone

You really need to check out this website. It gives you some very informative info on how abuse begins and multiplies. I see that you have been manipulated.

The Cycle of Abuse

You owe him? You owe him!

Sweet holy joe,this guy has you wrapped around his little finger..

You don't owe him squat.

As a matter of fact,if he spent every day,loving you the way he should,on his knees and licking the dirt off your shoes,he could not come close to make up for the emotional damage he has done...

Feeling you owe him should scream at you to get out of this relationship...

Do you owe him 3 kids?

Do you owe him the rest of your life being unhappy?

No way.

You owe yourself to save you... save yourself.

Again... this IS an abusive situation. It's how the abuse begins. Abuse does not always mean physical. This dude has brainwashed you.

Read the link I provided, it will help you see the light.

Please seek counseling. Not couples counseling, but one on one for you to realize that there is a healthy, loving relationship out there for you. With someone who doesn't extort sex from you, or make you feel inferior. This new guy won't cheat on you and tell you to "forgive me or else" ( what an !).

Life doesn't have to be this hard.

You will look back on this relationship one day and see how much time you are wasting.

You owe him nothing.

You do owe it to YOURSELF to be happy and respected.

Good luck.

What are you doing staying with this man? YOU owe him nothing! He is a control freak and why would you think you couldnt' find anyone. There are plenty of guys out there. It's not you, get that out of your head. Your not desperate, you need to get your respect and dignity back. Kick him to the ground. Work on you, and forget about the men, someone will come along when you least expect it. I can't believe you stayed with this man.

Racquel,

Did you read the link that J-9 posted? In it there is a clearly defined 'circle of abuse'. Read it once, and then read it again.

That is as close to what you are going through as anything you've said in your posts.

I can't imagine a qualified counsellor telling you to give him another chance. They are wrong, wrong, wrong.

You will need help getting off this toxic merry go round and regaining yourself in the process.

Have you thought of any plans as to how you are going to do that?

Oh please. Stop this and stop it now. I felt stabbed in the heart when I read your post.

There is SO much that is wrong and toxic in your connection to this man, that I don't even know where to start.

Your size is not the issue here. You're putting all your hopes for happiness and the responsibility for yourself esteem in the hands of a mean, abusive, controlling predator. There is absolutely no happiness or joy in this relationship - all you describe is manipulation, bullying and sadness.

You keep looking to him for confirmation of your happiness, health and attractiveness and he keeps denying you, again and again and again.

You say that you're afraid to leave because you won't find anyone else. Sweet Jesus, why would you stay with someone that treats you SO badly? You would be SO much better off to be alone.

Leave him now. Who cares what his stupid friends think!

Please go back to counselling. You have repeating patterns of abuse in your relationships and you don't know how to break out of them. You sound gorgeous - but you're emotionally and spiritually unwell because you stay in relationships with men that treat you like $hit.

The important thing is for you to break this cycle - deep down you know this. Put aside your fear (being alone is not the worse thing that can happen!) and make a decision to cut the toxicity out of your life. You will never feel genuinely beautiful or appreciated while you are with this awful man.

Thank you so much for all of your answers. I didn't expect so many people to actually answer. I think I know deep down that you are all right. My dad was always controlling of my mum as well, and a psych has explained to me that cycle.

But because I keep ending up with people like this, I can't help thinking it is me! The last one (in the break with this guy) would bring me down about my looks and his 'fantasy girls' but would control me 24/7. never let me have a break. Wouldn't let me breath. So I acted out crazy again, then broke up with him and he kept stalking me and is still trying after a year.

The first guy I talked about does seem better in ways. i.e. he will say I am beautiful now, does listen to me and understand my problems outside of the relationship, he does listen to me regarding the past (most of the time)... but at the same time he does put up with me talking about it almost everyday (I do want to 'talk' everyday because deep down I feel I am going against what I should be doing -leaving him right alone).

He has hung around for a year without sex, seems to have matured a bit in some ways... but then... how would I know that's not just an 'act' or the fourth 'calm' stage of abuse until he has me for sure again. In a relationship.

He says I am abusive because I keep talking about the past and then I yell when he draws away and gives me the silent treatment and says spiteful things (he thinks he acts better than me because he is calm and 'collected' when really he seems passive aggressive). Anyway, I then yell and get desperate etc. then he says I am abusing him which makes me more mad (I don't call him names or put him down but I do yell)... at this stage I always used to back down but now I just have to walk away.

I act crazy around him. And I did around my other controlling boyfriend that wouldn't let me breath. My psych says that is part of the abuse. They make you look 'crazy' by manipulating you. But I feel I should have more control and not yell etc. but I can't just not talk about things from the past because they make me so mad and feel so low.

Even though for the most part he doesn't say things that directly put me down... just the fact that he talks about the past makes me think it is abuse again. Just a more 'sneaky' way... like 'you were not good enough back then, I will admit that now... but I will also accept you and deal with your 'flaws' now'...

Hun, read that link I gave you. It not only explains it all, but it teaches you how to make better choices.

But basically because I acted out a few times I look like the abuser... and he tells me I am... and sometimes I think I am. It's just such a head screw! But I am afraid that if I am the abuser- what if I do it in my next relationship?

He says I am abusive because I am always telling him he is doing things wrong. But he does often do stuff that only concerns him I guess... and even when he doesn't... something about him irks me... and I am on edge and angry purely from the past!. and also the present... I guess some of those beahviours are still controlling and spiteful.

And I have always 'understood' his reasonings for things. When really, I didn't need to do that. I should have just walked away. I guess its even harder now though because he has been MUCH better this past year than he was in the past (2-3 years ago)

You are pretty much brainwashed... that's common in an abusive situation. He has successfully brainwashed you to believe anything he wants you to believe. If he wants you to believe the grass is purple, by God, he will be able to.

You need to get away from this before you are ruined even further.

Now we always fight because he denies everything and says that everything he said to put me down in the past were just lies that he said to not let me feel too good, and when he backed them up this year by saying that in the past I wasn't good enough, that he was just trying to be consistent with what he said in the past but he never meant any of it.

That the 'truth' is that he thought I was too good for him and I should accept that. But even then, I don't know what to believe! Its all a pile of lies and contradictions! And because he says this to me NOW, I'm supposed to be OK with it and forgive him? I don't know what to believe! To me, it sounds more like another manipulation technique. But I don't know if I am being too paranoid about abuse, and just stating that certain behaviour is abuse when its not!

Omg! I'm sorry, another long post! As you can probably see- I am completely erratic and confused!

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

You are pretty much brainwashed...that's common in an abusive situation. He has successfully brainwashed you to believe anything he wants you to believe. If he wants you to believe the grass is purple, by God, he will be able to.

You need to get away from this before you are ruined even further.

I guess you do make sense to me... and I think if I was one of my friends I would tell her to get the hell out! But because it's me... I blame myself! (also the past relationships being similar don't help). And I know his friends think I am crazy and that he should get the hell away from me because I am abusive. And knowing my whole family back him up and think I am the abusive one makes it even harder... I think I am going to try and get away for a while. Work interstate. Fresh start. New head.

There is a type of man who attracts women with low self esteem and low confidence,most likely something has happened in their own lives that let them believe that the way they abuse their partner is the way its supposed to be... ITS NOT..

When you say you think that it you,your right... you keep going for the same guy only a different face,this ine knows from old how to press your buttons and how to keep control.

When you stand up to him,he gets afraid,honestly... because your not afraid of him,he's a bully,and you're his victim,and a willing victim.

The only way to stop yourself from repeating the same abusive relationships is to be on your own for minimum one year.. thats only 12 months!

In that time,you work on you,set yourself achievable goals,surround yourself with positive people,family and friends.

As the months past,and your mental state inproves.. (he has caused a lot of damage to you) you will get a new perspective on things.

And one day you will wake up,and look at yourself in the mirror and say... never never again,will someone treat me like that... EVER!.

You will meet someone who will love you,and it won't be easy,but with care and understanding of yourself you can have the type of relationship that is trully amazing..

But first things first... leave him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Hun, read that link I gave you. It not only explains it all, but it teaches you how to make better choices.

Thank you for the link- it was helpful and I do understand it and could easily see it in other people's relationships etc. and I can see it in my past relationship with him. But I can't see it so clearly in the past year, which adds to my confusion. Like, maybe he has changed and I am not giving him the proper chance I should. But then again I think 'what idiot in her right mind WOULD give him ANOTHER chance!'

But then I think 'well what if he HAS changed! And he is showing it but I can't see it! BUT if he had fully changed then I probably wouldn't be feeling the way I do now!

And I guess if I was the abuser. I wouldn't be feeling so guilty and trying to change myself all the time.

Redhead35- you know what... I did have a short period where I was alone (I broke up with a drug dealer that basically put a price on me) which was a huge step (this was just after the guy I have been talking about first off)... it broke my heart. But I was proud I could decide that. In that time though I tried to end 'it all' if you get me... which scared me to death because I didn't want to be in that situation again. My mum and sister will never forgive me for that, and I am the 'outsider' in the family partly due to that. It felt like no one cared or took me seriously... I felt more alone than ever but couldn't try again because I knew how much pain it caused them. Yet I had no support... which pushed me to the next controlling guy... then back to this one.

And I can see what you mean... he is scared so calls me the abuser because it makes him the 'victim' which pulls on my heart strings and then he regains control.

I can see SOME small controlling things he does. But he is so much better with not outwardly putting me down or talking other girls up. But I guess he won't do that so much anymore because I put my foot down, said it was wrong, and now he has to find other ways to manipulate and pull me down.

And I guess the reason I am always starting fights and resisting him is because deep down I know its wrong. And I am going against my gut instinct again (which I ignored a lot in the past and I was actually right and should have followed).

I always made excuses for him because he comes across as SO sweet and innocent, like butter wouldn't melt. And really, he deserves no excuses. And the only reason why I have dragged all of this out is because I am yet again brainwashed into thinking I am at fault.

Though it all seems so surreal and like, it would never happen to me. He would never do that etc. but who says he wouldn't do it all again? He has done it once!

Trust your instincts-dont have anything more to do with him.
I urge you to reread all the advice here,and let it sink in.

God I've walked miles in your shoes,till the blisters tore at my soul,everything your saying I said,and it took me a long time to see the abuse and then the courage to get out,my problem was he would not stay gone and pull me back in...

Get help,get support from your family,sink or swim.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

god ive walked miles in your shoes,till the blisters tore at my soul,everything your saying i said,and it took me a long time to see the abuse and then the courage to get out,my problem was he would not stay gone and pull me back in...

get help,get support from your family,sink or swim.

But from what I said in the last few paragraphs, do you think that is still abusive? What I mainly mean is he is generally better now, doesn't outwardly talk down to me.
But he will say - 'i used to think negatively of you/ think you were big,. but I realised you are realistic and I don't think you're big now now... '

'i love your figure now, but if you had that figure back when I met you I wouldn't have been attracted to you'

'if you had a skinnier bum when we met then I would have been more attracted to you... but I was an idiot and that's not realistic, and I love it now'

'im going to write down everything you get mad at me for... if the reasons you get mad are ligit then you don't have anything to worry about!'

'you keep bringing up the past, and I have listened and understood but you need to get over it'

'you are being abusive by yelling at me and from throwing things (in the past), and I don not deserve this' (as I said, I yell when he gives me the silent treatment as it really frustrates me and its like a way for him to just shut me down so I get off topic/ back down and say I am wrong.

He goes out clubbing if we have a big argument, yet if I did that he would HATE it. But he says he 'needs to' so he can 'get his mind off things'. If I do it... (which I don't because I am not a fan of clubbing/ feel really ripped up inside when we have a fight and can't get myself out) then apparently I do it out of spite

Do they seem controlling to you? They are more few and far between these days, but what gets me is he still can't see anything wrong with them... and also, maybe they are just more sparse because I won't sleep with him/ commit to him so he has to be on 'better' behaviour.

Because he is better than he used to be that makes me feel like he has seen wrong and is bettering himself (as he tells me)... yet the things he says about the past still seem quite mean... almost back handed insults (if that makes sense... )

Oh and another thing... he tells me I am too indecisive (I used to be! Probably because of all the abuse!). I changed that a lot. I could be decisive 100 times now, and indecisive 1-3 times, yet he concentrates on when I am indecisive and tells me I am ALWAYS like that.

Then when I am decisive- i.e. he asked me to do something. I say no, I don't feel like it/ I'm busy. He gets quiet. And later gets huffy at me telling me I ALWAYS say No to him and that e is too afraid to ask me to do anything now because he is sick of rejection! - I say to him its like he is saying 'you need to be decisive, meaning say 'yes' to everything' and he gets angry and says I don't understand etc etc

Oh also, I don't have support from my family. I don't have close relationships with them anymore... and because they have lived a similar relationship story... they think I am the one in the wrong that 'needs to get over the past'... my mum forgives certain abusive people way too easily. And so I am scared of doing that and being burnt again.

He is starting uni again soon, and I feel nervous all the time that he's going to meet that 'special person' he used to always talk about. I can't live my life like this! But then I think, what if I do go out with someone else and I am jealous of the same things? There again... there were bf's between that I didn't get jealous because even though they weren't great bf's, I still felt loved and like they were attracted to me so I didn't worry so much

Its emotional abuse-he's playing with your head and knows how to prod your insecurities.

Can you speak to a counsellor at your uni?

He won't change. He will just find different ways to control you and make you feel bad. I speak from experience. He might seem like he has changed, but he has just found a more insidious way to do the same things. Don't even think of staying with this guy.

Although you started saying that he was abusing you, now you seem to be wavering, even retreating in this assertion.

You keep talking about how he's improved, how he doesn't comment on the size of your body any more - but you're ignoring all the other awful parts of the destructive, noxious dynamic that a relationship between the two of creates.

Amicon and redhead are absolutely and utterly right. YOU need help. YOU need to get out of this relationship where you constantly question your own self worth. YOU need to speak to a counselor so that you can begin to get a perspective on why you stay, yet live in fear and allow yourself to be abused in this way.

Please go and see someone.

He is controlling, cruel, abusive, a bad seed. Choose your favorite word. Even if I only read a third of what you've written I can tell that and the more I read the more disgusting he seems. But forget him for a moment. This is about you.

This guy is too much inside your head. You should being living your own life, not a life that is in reaction to all the things he says and does.

He is bad for you. You know he's bad for you. You say your esteem has gone down since you reconnected with him. There's a reason for that.

Go back to the counselor who told you he was controlling and tell her what has happened. And begin working your way back out of the hole you are in.

And NO boyfriends for one year. You need to find yourself more than anyone I've seen for a while.

Edit: I realize the tone I used was ordering you around and I apologize for that. That is the last thing you probably need right now, other people telling you what to do. But at the same time, it's frustrating to have been through something like you are going through and not be able to tell you "no no!" Anyway, what I learned was that I needed to set boundaries, not just with my ex, but with lots of people. And those boundaries are MY boundaries and limits. I won't put up with certain things and I also accept the conesquence of that is that I can't have relationships with certain people and that's okay. So if you want a relationship with this man, then you will basically have no boundaries. There's no offensive thing he won't do, so you have to decide if that's okay or not. For ALL of us, it wouldn't be and we are aghast that you would consider it. But it IS your decision.

Like all abusers, he treats you this way, because he can.

You looking for answers as to whether this is abuse is ironic, because you already have all the answers you need, through your own examples of his behaviour.

Asking is right, you keep living your life, by reacting to what he says, and then turn around and try to figure out why he treats you this way.

It is you treating you this way. You keep having the same old behaviour coming at you, and clearly you can see what it is.

You analyze everything he says, so you can prove you aren't the cause of it. What a lot of energy you waste in proving to yourself you didn't do anything to cause this.

I don't understand why you can see all of this, and quite intelligently put it all into a logical story of events, yet you still question whether this relationship is good for you.

I don't know what else to say except perhaps read your own words more, and open some windows and let the fog you live under dissipate.

Sorry I haven't been back for a while... honestly... I was scare to come back for a while. WHICH should be assign to me that obviously I know what people are going to say! Then when I did come back all my windows that I kept open were closed so I had to Google my question... so glad it came up! Anyway...

OK, you are right. He is using different, more 'sneaky' ways to get me to question myself. I have to forgive myself for the past things I did but also realise it was a reaction to his controlling me (no excuse, I know... but maybe will help me to forgive myself and stop feeling like I need to make up for it!). I need to go back to that psychologist (tho I am scared because in person I trivialise things a lot... and I'm actually embarrassed to go back and see her. Also, I feel like him ridiculing me about my body is not actually a big deal and that its something I should get over therefore I feel embarrassed talking in person. The last Psych laughed when I said it? )

I also need to walk away and get over the fact that he may meet someone else who he 'gets on with better'... because it's likely that she is just putting up with his behaviour more than me. I also need to be alone for a while and build up myself esteem so that I can see these guys coming a lot sooner and not allow myself to jump in! And hopefully, will start to attract different kinds of men.

He said the other day that he wanted to join my gym, which I have always said that I would prefer him (or any of my friends/ bf's) to come to because that's my little piece of 'down time' and has been for 7 years! I go pretty much everyday. He could not see why I was upset when he said he wanted to. He said it was because it was cheaper and that he wouldn't go at the same time as me. There are HEAPS of gyms around his house that he could go to! I felt it would soon escalate from me saying 'ok, sure join my gym but we go separately' to 'ok sure we can go once a week.'... 'three times a week together' etc etc because he would put the guilt trip on as to why I don't want to go with him. Fact is, he goes out with mates to chill out. I go to the gym. He knows this.

I guess also I feel him putting down my body was MY fault because we were talking about body image etc. and he is 'just a man' so (in his words) 'doesnt know what he is talking about'... but at the same time I feel he did so many nasty things... that he could very well have known what he was talking about. Plus, there were also times when we weree not talking about body image, and he still said things

Go back to your therapist and open up to her/him.
Work on your selfesteem and please have nothing more to do with that loser.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Go back to your therapist and open up to her/him.
Work on your selfesteem and please have nothing more to do with that loser.

Thanks again for all your time, patience and help... and everyone else too!:)

You seem to know what you SHOULD do,and how to do it,but your still with him,and he's still controlling you.

The gym today,something else tomorrow.

Only you can change your situation,even if you can't see that your in a controlling relationship,could I ask,do your family and friends realise how he treats you? And if so,what's there take on it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by racquel58

sorry I haven't been back for a while... honestly... I was scare to come back for a while. WHICH should be assign to me that obviously I know what people are going to say!

This is totally understandable. I am glad you came back. It takes a while to work this stuff out. One thing that might help is to start a journal and write down the controlling or hurtful things he does every single day. When I did that for just one week, I knew I had to leave. It really helped. Because there was so much that I would forget stuff he'd done.

Quote:

OK, you are right. He is using different, more 'sneaky' ways to get me to question myself.

Yep! He is learning and adapting.

Quote:

I need to go back to that psychologist (tho I am scared because in person I trivialise things a lot... and I'm actually embarrassed to go back and see her. Also, I feel like him ridiculing me about my body is not actually a big deal and that its something I should get over therefore I feel embarrassed talking in person. The last Psych laughed when I said it? )

I'm guessing she laughed because you have no reason to be worried. When you trivialize your own issues, you are channeling his view of you. Like I said before, it's not that easy to get him out of your head. Be patient with yourself, but don't give up. Going to therapy means revealing yourself and taking chances.

Explain to the therapist that it's not okay to laugh at you. If she doesn't respond to that in a satisfactory way, find another one. You can look for therapists who specialize in bullying or abuse relationships, which is what you are experiencing.

Quote:

I also need to walk away and get over the fact that he may meet someone else who he 'gets on with better'... because it's likely that she is just putting up with his behaviour more than me.

Exactly. My ex husband dated for a year after our divorce and settled on a woman and he still has her. (That's how I think of it; I feel sorry for her.) They don't live together but they are a couple. It's been 8 years now. He told me a year ago that they were breaking up and he told me about her drinking problem and that that was the reason. He'd never offered anything personal about his relationship before and I'd never asked. But I did ask one question. Was she drinking when you started dating her? He said no. In fact, they have got back together. I'm sure he found a way to get her back. But the point is that (I think) he drove her to drink. A 50 year old woman who doesn't drink too much doesn't just up and become an alcoholic for no reason. It's a shame men like your boyfriend and my ex aren't stamped with a warning label. "Extreme Hazard. Become involved at your own risk."

Quote:

I also need to be alone for a while and build up myself esteem so that I can see these guys coming a lot sooner and not allow myself to jump in! And hopefully, will start to attract different kinds of men.

Yes. Practice setting boundaries with others, not just him. It's okay for you to say no.

But you will not attract different men. These guys are still attracted to me and I doubt that will ever change. But you can learn to sift them out sooner without being suspicious of EVERY man.

Quote:

he said the other day that he wanted to join my gym,

Say no. There's no room for compromise on this issue. This man is not your friend. At best, he will use the membership to keep you under observation. At worst, he'll undermine any relationships you have there with others and take away the pleasure of going there. And as you say, either way, you get no escape from him.

Quote:

I go pretty much everyday. He could not see why I was upset when he said he wanted to.

I think he knows exactly why you are upset, and you are right to be upset. He's just playing dumb. He doesn't want you to have that down time, because it weakens his grip on you. The gym gives you both emotional and physical strength and he knows that.

Same for your friendships or family connections. He will either make friends with your friends to the point where they are confused about their loyalty (to you or him) or actually damage them by offending them or persuading you that people don't like you. That's what my ex did. He did everything he could to isolate me from the world. He told me my best friend didn't like me (over and over), offended my friends, and tried to hire my close work colleagues for his own business.

Quote:

he said it was because it was cheaper and that he wouldn't go at the same time as me. There are HEAPS of gyms around his house that he could go to! I felt it would soon escalate from me saying 'ok, sure join my gym but we go separately' to 'ok sure we can go once a week.'... 'three times a week together' etc etc because he would put the guilt trip on as to why I don't want to go with him.

Just say no. And keep saying it.

The reality is that you can't keep him from joining any gym he wants. But don't give him permission. That's what he's trying to get from you. Don't give it.

I'm very sorry if our comments made you feel scared. But, sometimes a completely objective perspective is what is required. I hope that the posters are able to provide you with this perspective, and that it is helpful.

I'm surprised that a Psych laughed at you when you talked about your body issues. It's such a common thing for a woman to feel this way about her body, that they must deal with it on a daily basis. That person was either completely inconsiderate (and unprofessional) or they were genuinely surprised that you would have body issues.

In any case, please do go back to see a counselor - it's really important that you have professional support as you're trying to disentangle yourself from this awful guy.

This guy just wants to go to your gym because he wants to stalk you. You know this, and that's why it feel so uncomfortable. He's a creep that has you doubting your own self-worth. I absolutely agree with Asking - say no. Say it quietly and don't get into arguments with him. Better still, talk to him as little as possible - if at all. Remember, he's an expert at this sort of manipulative, controlling behavior. The less you deal with him, the less you have to try and outwit him.

Strong boundaries are really important with people like him. Look up 'dealing with abusers' on the internet - you'll find heaps of advice about how to create those boundaries and maintain them. Read up about the sort of person he is, and how people like him behave - you'll be better equipped to understand his behavior and understand why he is SO toxic to your well-being.

Keep your friends and family around you and let them know what is going on. You will need their support and encouragement.

sorry it's been so long since I checked again! This time I thought nobody would say anything more- then I saw my emails =o) It's really nice to see that people care and do see an issue!

Redhed35- My family don't see anything wrong. They think I am the problem because I am more vocal and 'crazy' than him. Though I haven't been 'crazy for years now'. They are in the same abuse cycle though. I have grown up hearing 'you are too moody' etc etc. Sure, in my teens I was! (who wasn't!! ) but now I am not a very moody person at all! Except when I don't feel good- which seems to be in these relationships. Some of my friends that met him in the past warned me not to go back for a year. But... he is very sweet and innocent seeming and kind of admitted fault at times and so I got dragged back in. And like I said, I feel guiltey because I have taken my time (a year) to decide and have not slept with him.

My new friends have not met him but have heard all about the past and they are in 2 minds. They feel he playes games and I should walk away but they feel like I should just try it and put my whole heart and understanding into a relationship for a few months so that if it doesn't work out I can just walk away with a guilty conscience (for my own good). I have tried that a few times but resentment prevents me each time.

I am so sick of hearing 'i really liked our relationship when you aren't grumpy with me'. It makes me mad because I gave the relationship a FULL shot the first time. All my heart and trust was thrown in there even though I was so broken from my first abusive relationship. And periodically I would give that back to him. He could not see we COULD HAVE had a good relationship if he treated me well. But instead. Its all me. All my 'moody ways', he is an angel... pffft

Gemini54- No, you didn't scare me =o) I really like having direct answers and REALLY appreciate everyone's time with my problems! I think I was more scared because as Redhed said- I know what to do... I just don't seem to do it!

I have been thinking Really hard lately and I really think myself belief system is just ruined.

I am 23, I feel like no one else will want me. When I get comments/ compliements/ whistles from other people I brush them off 'oh they would do that/ say that to every one' (in regards to my personality and looks, but the body image side really does shatter me and worry me mainly). I see othe girls my age who have travelled, finished uni, are gorgeous, have great jobs, lots of close friends, good family ties, are engaged or having kids or buying houses etc. I feel so behind and I feel like this guy has 'changed' and is not AS bad so I should just settle because I won't find/ don't deserve anything better!

I feel like I will leave, then feel guilty for wasting a year of his time and 'leading him on', he will find someone great and get along wonderfully and I will be alone, broke and stupid. I know its sounds crazy but I am just so torn! I want to be strong. But at the same time, `i feel like I will regret being 'strong'.

Its funny, a year ago when we started talking again. I vowed to myself I would never date him and that we would just be 'friends'. But then we would catch up and he would dress up in suits and look all sad and soulful and remorseful for our past relationship. His nose would be all snuffly and his eyes red because he was crying before we caught up and that was it. I was hooked. I was guilty. My heart broke for him and it just played on my conscience. He went away for a year prior to us seeing each other again and he would talk to me now about how he would tell his family about me and he only ever thought of me. I feel like on one hand he is telling the truth but on the other, he knows it will pull my heart strings.

My financial situation is really bad atm. I can't afford to see my old Psych (who pointed out his behavious to me) but as soon as I get an extra $200 I will go back to him.

I actually caught him lying in regards to the body image thing the other day. He was explaining an old comment that 'all Czech girls are hot' saying that he used to live with a Czech girl that was so hot etc. He was going on about how she was a model etc and how great she was looks wise.

I mentioned something a few days later about his 'Czech model' and he replied. 'i don't know what your talking about. I don't know any models and never have, and especially not a Czech one'! Bit hard to believe he just 'forgot' his model roommate that he spoke so highly of just a few days before!

Me thinks maybe to many white manipulative lies to keep up with?