I've been with him for 2 years. We told each other we love each other and that we found everything we need and want in one another. I thought we had something really special. Like true romantic love with sincere deep feelings and everything.
Of course we had some arguments, like every copule does, nothing is ideal. But I've never doubted his feelings for me. OK like every other girl I too needed some reassureance now and then. And well, he did too.

Since the last week or two he's been acting strange and not affectionate. He was very critical, cold and was annoyed by me. Everything I did was wrong in his eyes. So last night I asked was he out of love. And he said yes. I cried whole night because I wanted everything with him. He didn't even hug me or anything, he just wanted to sleep. He said there's no other girl in his life and I choose to trust him.

We supposed to visit my family during holidays and now he's left me out of blue. This really feels like a nightmare.
Can someone please, maybe a guy, tell me what could be going on in his mind? Are there any chances he'll fell in love with me again?

I / we broke up because I don't want to be in a fake and forced relationship. He didn't know what to do, so I suggested giving him some time and space, like a month, but he seemed indiferent to all my tryings.

Please help! I can't believe this is happening. Not to us. Just to add, I'm 24, he's 28. You can ask me anything. Thanks.

His feelings changed probably over quite some time and however sad and heartbreaking this is you need to start your healing process from the breakup. Don't wait around for him to change his mind-get active,see friends and family and do things for you. You will get over this-we all do.

Actions speak louder than words.

If he just got up and left, it means he's giving up on the relationship.

There's always a chance that he can come crying back, but how is that going to make you feel secure? Who knows when he's going to jump ship again.

I'm sorry that he left, but you seem extremely dependent on him and maybe it's time for you to regain your independence and self-esteem.

Thanks everyone. I'll work on myself. He said I could count on him if I need anything, he'll be there and so on. He's just texted me I could come and sleep at his place if I don't feel well.
Of course, I don't want no one's pitty. So no, thanks.
I just want to know why is he saying this? It's not love, it's gulit and politeness right?

I definitely want NC, but he wishes to stay friends. Why so?
I'm so confused where does he stand with me?

Sounds like he just wants a booty call.

When you want to heal from the break up, then use NC to help you recover. NC is a healing mechanism. It's not used to win him back, which seems like your case.

Where does he stand? Seeing that he's already ran away, his actions tell us that he's given up on working on the relationship.

Trust your instincts and start proper NC-and try not to question his actions anylonger.

I don't think it's about booty call. There was no sex last two weeks, except two times when I had enough, and I took the whole initiative. He said he didn't want sex, that's why it was bad anyway, but I wanted it, so he of course couldn't say no.
Look, we can't have sex at his place anyway, it's not about that.
Well aren't his actions confusing? He's left, yes, but now texts me to come if I want. What is this?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by loovefool

i don't think it's about booty call. there was no sex last two weeks, except two times when i had enough, and i took the whole initiative. he said he didn't want sex, that's why it was bad anyway, but i wanted it, so he of course couldn't say no.
look, we can't have sex at his place anyway, it's not about that.
well aren't his actions confusing? he's left, yes, but now texts me to come if i want. what is this?

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HELLO!! Yes, it's called a BOOTY CALL. He's dumped you, has no strings attached, i.e. no emotional baggage. Go on over to his place... bet you'll be bumping uglies before you know it. You'll be all like, "Oh he loves me!", and he'll be all like, "Wonder when she's going home now?". Sorry... I know you don't want to hear that but, well... you asked.

I know this hurts but you really need to just walk away from this. Give him all the time and space he wants/needs. Don't be a friend, don't be a booty call, no pitty calls/texts, no begging, no pleading, no bargaining. Rock his world and walk away with some dignity.

Now... he may come crawling back, however; odds are he will not. He'll more than likely try to keep you strong along while he's looking for his 'next'. Be straight up as to your expectations with him, e.g. we work the problems out or it over. If he flip-flops around say goodbye, no half-promises, it's all or none. He'll attempt to bargain with you, e.g. "Let's be friends and see where it goes.", putting you back into 'Booty Call' status. Yes... it's hard. He will respect you though.

OK if you think so. But if so, he's telling me lies because he's saying it's NOT about sex nor booty call!

Well, I want to know his reasons, and yes I am questioning his actions. I deserve some answers after 2 years! And he's just left. Gone.
I'm going NC, I don't need this. I just don't get how could he turned out this way? I trusted and loved him.

Should I just say to him not to contact me or just ignore him? We've already broken up couple of times, and he didn't stop contacting me after. I've never initiated it. He says he's not playing games, but his actions says other.

Again: Actions speak louder than words

You don't need to tell him that you're ignoring him. Just do it.

You're right, you don't deserve this, so don't keep falling for his mind games. Focus on yourself. Focus on healing from the break up.

Of course you can come over, and sleep over, if you want. Sure its not about the sex. PUH_LEEEESE.

Stop the wondering, and games, and examine the facts you have before you.

He ended this thing with no discussion, no talking, and didn't care how you felt. That's a fact, and add into this, he was showing signs all along that something had changed and all you did was cry about it. So you ignored the early warning.

Now you want to talk because you have questions? Good luck with getting answers that may not be the truth.

I am willing to bet most couples have a change in heart, after one, or two years, when the dust of newness, and intense feelings settle down. That's normal actually because no one is putting his best happiest foot forward, or going out of the way to please and impress a partner.

That's also when a couple finds out how they work together, and solve their issues together. That's when the honest communications come in, and how well you listen to each other.

Guess what, somebody wasn't communicating honestly, and someone wasn't listening, or paying attention. That's why its over, and holding on now, behind the excuse of getting answers, and closure, and all that mushy stuff, is not the way to go.

Cutting all contact and ignoring him is called NO CONTACT, is the way to get over your SHOCK, fear, and false hope and confusion.

Time to do your thing that makes you happy without him, and your perspective toward him will change for the better, and you will see the reality of this whole emotional mess, and make better choices for yourself, based on facts, and not intense deep feelings, or confusion.

WARNING

Probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but potentially the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

THANK YOU talaniman!! Great post!
Just one tricky thing is that he has many of his stuf at my place because we've been sort of "living together". (meaning, most of the time, but not actually living together, if you understand).
So how to tell him to take it all away? Must I contact him? I've already packed everything, I can't look at it anymore. So I guess we must see each other at least one more time. When and how should we do it?

So sorry to hear about your breakup, bu you have to go NC. The no contact rule exists to speed up the healing process. If you drag it out and keep trying to be friends, it will only delay you from finding happiness in the future. It's important to let yourself take the time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets.

It's hard, but you have to accept that it's over and not blame anybody, even yourself, for the break-up. The relationship is over, and no amount of blame or finger pointing will make you feel any better.

Don't let this scar you for life. Move on. Start loving yourself again. Go out with friends, or spend more time with your family. Life will get better, you'll see.

----------------------------------------------------

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller

Simple, "Hey I got your stuff and you have a week to get it or it goes in the trash".

Or leave it on his porch.

Or get someone to take it to him for you

Or go with a friend.

You have options, pick one, get this over with, move beyond it through healing and doing your own thing without him.

Thanks again talaniman. I choose first option. I think it's the easiest one since it's just too many stuf, lol. I'll tell him that today.
I'm moving on. Thanks everyone.

Just be thankful that you only wasted two years with someone, I wasted ten. The signs were there for me also, he started pulling back and creating arguments, and then left. It feels sudden and shocking to us, but to the dumpers they have been planning this for a while I am sure. My ex also tried to tell me if I needed him to be there, he would be there for me, if I wanted to sleep over, and he kept reassuring me that he was not interested in just sex, but lo and behold, that is all he wanted. I finally woke up and realized that I wasted enough time with someone who did not want me anymore, and our ex's did us a favor by letting us go. Now we have a chance to find the right one for us, because we would have been settling otherwise. Good luck!

People break up, there's all sorts of reasons. Yes, it sucks, it's painful, and it's a kick straight to the pride. It's all to easy to blame and point fingures when you're hurt... they did this or that, blah, blah, blah. Ultimately realize you stuck there through it, day in and day out. You were in control of this, you allowed it.

So now what? The relationship is over but was it really wasted time? You have both good and bad memories. And, ideally, you'll have learned a lesson or two about yourself and some other things. Maybe you won't make the same mistakes again. Maybe you'll identify a person's traits that you're not compatible with. Maybe your 'relationship' boundaries are just a little more refined. Maybe your one step closer to that 'right fit' you're thinking of. When you let go, truly let go, you'll understand what I'm talking about. Look past the pain and wounded pride.

It's really only wasted time if you allow it to be.

It's sad, and difficult, but, but it seems to me by his actions, that he has been ready a long time to call it quits.

For some, like him maybe, it is easier to offer assistance if you need it, and help or what have you, to feel a little less guilty, and to try to ease the end of the relationship in a less painful way.

I don't think it is mixed messages so much as it is him wanting to end things on respectful terms without arguing, accusations, and all that nasty stuff that sometimes comes with a breakup.

I too, would politely decline any invites, or help with anything, and minimize as much as you can, contact with him.

I realize you still love him, but from your own words, the relationship seems over.

Keep posting. You will get great support and advice here.

Thanks everyone, you're really helping me through this.
I have to add some details which I didn't write in my first post because it all happened a day before, and I was way too emotional and bursting in tears every now and then. Damn.

As I said, when I asked him if he wasn't in love, he said I knew how to ask the right questions. He would otherwise be quiet about it and wait until the feeling comes back to him. He said that the certain circumstances killed that feeling in him, including our last arguments. I asked him if he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said he couldn't say that. And asked me what did I want to do. I said he couldn't say he wasn't in love with me, while expecting me to stay with him. So when he was leaving he asked again what we're going to do. I said I didn't know, and he left.
Later you know, he texted me, and that was it.

I didn't contact him yet to take his things away, because I still have some hope from this. Or should I no matter this, just let him go and breakup (did it happen aleready?) and move on.

Sorry for omitting this, if it is important, I was a total mess.

I think you stay strong and realise its over. And get rid of his stuff. As hard as it is for you at the moment,this will pass.
Don't get stuck in false hope and the 'what ifs'.
Take care.

I see no harm in continuing to talk. It could be that he is re-thinking his decision. I'd be expecting him to put his money where his mouth is though, and IF it gets to the reconcilliation phase, insist on couples counselling to get a better fix on if he truly is committed.

If the distance between you now seems to be drawing him out, who knows what could happen.

If it were me, I would expect the best, but be prepared for the worst.

I think you both need some time as seeking resolutions through honest communications to defining the relationship, is what needs to happen, but when the answer to the questions is "I don't know" nothing can be changed or resolved. He asked, you should have told him, and listen to his words and see if they match the actions.

Don't ever be afraid to put what you're think out their or ask questions when you don't know something.

He should know what you expect, and you should know what he expects.

"i don't know" thing was because I was emotional and just couldn't think straight, couldn't say anything then.
Update, he called me and we talked, and he said he was sorry and made a mistake by telling me he wasn't in love. He "doesn't know" why he said it. He said he wants to be with me, and be in it all the way. And how I'm the one and only for him. We'll soon meet, so I'll keep updating if you're interested.
Pretty confusing but positive outcome I hope. But I'll watch for his actions rather than words, thanks.

Latest update.
He said he doesn't know why he said he wasn't in love, and why he kept repeating it to me, how it was cruel of him. He made a mistake by thinking it was all my fault somehow. He said he's under a lot of stress and for the past month he is drained out and just feels warmth towards me. He didn't notice he was acting cold and distant.

He doesn't understand why do I love him. He hurt me a lot and I still forgive him. He thinks he's not the right one for me. (is this about low self-esteem or is he just finding a way out?)

My friend thinks he is jealous of me. So I asked him is he. He said he is of some characteristics I have he doesn't have. Do you think this is related to him always wanting to do things his way because he thinks it's the best, and has a really hard time admiting my way is much better? (a source of our arguments, yes)

He said he has no expectations in this relationship. That weirded me out so then he said he wants to connect with me on the deeper level and never wants to leave me.

He always asks what do I want. He knows I want everything with him. So he asked don't I want something besides him. (I have my own life, and I love him a lot, but I never pressured or choked him, and he confirmed it. So what he wanted to say by this?)

I demanded a change in him, not just a promise, but to really show me without telling me. He agreed and said I'll see it in a week. He said he'll do it for me. (but he should do it for himself)

I don't know is this the beginning of the end and I should run away before he breaks my heart again. Is this my intuition, or my fear and insecurity speaking?

I hope someone will assist me through this. Thank you again, you've been great so far.

Actions speak louder than words. It isn't enough that he says he's going to change. He needs to tell you what he's going to change, and you need to tell him what you expect.

Because he is trying, even a little, I wouldn't give up yet. Keep talking and see if you can't get a fix on narrowing down how he plans to change, and also see if he can get a grip on how hard he's been on you with his words and actions.

I would proceed with caution, but be confident enough in yourself, not to keep getting emotionally bashed around by him, and let him know that too.

This really is up to him.

Actions speak louder than words-so you need to look at what he's done and what he does in future. Possibly your intuition is trying to tell you something.
I still think the communications between the two of you are filled with confusion and not a lot of positive forwardlooking problemsolving agendas.
Update whenever you need to.

It's been two weeks since I've posted here. Things have been confusing since. It's hard for me to believe him he' in love with me when saying that right after he said he wasn't. I find it very hard to trust him in general. I'm being suspicious he's cheating even if he says he's not, and deep down I know he's not. I'm just afraid.

Arguments pop up every now and then and end up with none of us wanting to fight ever again. But we can't help it. None of us feels loved by each other anymore. There's a distance between us and we don't know how to cross it. He wishes we could start all over again with no messy past. He says I should pass our past by, but I can't forget it and the arguments we have now remind me of his past mistakes so I bring them out again. I know I shouldn't. He says I think it's always his fault and he tries but I see it in a wrong way.

He sometimes thinks he would like to be loved by someone who accepts him as he is. I do accept him, I just don't tolerate crap from anyone. I sometimes feel like he's not the right one for me but I wish he could be, so I feel like I'm going to fall in love with someone and leave him, even though I am in love with him now.

I don't know why do we feel this way and we both wish for things to be OK again, we don't know how. Time just passes by and things are staying the same. Is it just we don't love the other the way it's expected? We do talk about our expectations, but they never become reailty. Am I expecting too much or simpy don't get the amount of love I need from him? Is it really because he doesn't love me? Is this relationship over?

Unless you both actively work to bring about the necessary changes to make this work-yes -or at least it should be.
You're going around is circles here and how much longer do you want to be doing that?

What could you be arguing about? Hopefully not the past. For sure its better to talk, and listen. If conversations are getting blown into arguments, then someone isn't listening, and that's not communications. Your posts are vague and emotional, and frankly hard to pinpoint what your problem really is. Maybe that's the way he sees it too. Too much emotion without clear meaning?

I am the one who plans our dates, from when and where we go, what we'll do and so on. He lacks initiative. I've told him I want him to take me out sometimes and plan something to surprise me, but he does nothing. Money is not the issues, it doesn't have to be anything expensive. I offered myself to pay for it, he just has to be creative and do something for me, make me feel special, you know. I know he can be.

We've been together for over two years and it wasn't like this in the beginning of course. Now I plan things for us and he forgets about it! Like he didn't even listen to me when I talked about our plans. I first didn't want to over react, so I ignored his forgetfulness. But now I somewhat had enough. We supposed to go out tonight, but he again said he had something and we're not seeing each other this time, again. I suppose he's hanging out with friends.

Other times I used to confront him and say how could he forget again! And then he managed to go in the end with me but invited two more friends with us. While I wanted to spend time just the two of us. It's like he avoids to take me out, or am I imagining things? He said he's never cheated on me, and repeats that to me, every time I give him a suspicious look. Sorry, I can't help but not to wonder. He does spends time with me, but doesn't take me on dates.

Guys, please read into him. What could be going on? I've told him I don't feel loved anymore. More so I feel rejected. He says he's just tired, but he doesn't have such a bussy day not to have time for me, or anyone else, and I don't think I ask for too much, or I don't let him breathe.

I think we communicate OK, I expressed myself clearly, I tried not to get emotional. He knows what I want, he just forgets to give that to me. Why?