Hi. I need some advice and would like to get some perspective to help me make a decision here. I've been a relationship for 5 years now. Things have been good between us, and I truly love my girlfriend. We've talked about marriage and I'm ready to propose to her. My problem is that about 6 months ago, I cheated on my girlfriend once. I truly don't know why I did it and have tried repeatedly to make sense of it. I love my girlfriend and we weren't having any relationship troubles at the time. My girlfriend doesn't know that I slept with someone else. I know that she would be hearbroken if I told her and it would completely change our relationship. I'm also concerned that she wouldn't want to marry me then, and I really want to spend the rest of my life with her. I can honestly say that I wouldn't cheat on her again. I don't want to take that risk and the guilt would just eat me up. I've forgiven myself, and I've learned from my mistake. Any advice on the pros/cons of telling my girlfriend would be appreciated. Thank you.

If she had cheated on you,would you like to know?

Did you use condoms?

Is there a health risk involved here?

There must have been a reason,you don't just decide on the spur on the moment to cheat,ifs that's the case,what's stopping you from having another spur of the moment.

Your not who she thinks you are,that's a big lie on top of cheating.

Does coming clean take the guilt away from you and the hurt to her... its a big ask to look for forgiveness.

For me,id like to know if the man I was going to marry cheated on me,its also a deal breaker for me too..

Ouch this is tough. You should tell her, plain and simple. You cheated and made a huge mistake, and keeping that from someone you want to marry is going to eat away at you. You want to spend the rest of your life with her, but it's built on deceit and betrayal. Relationships are supposed to be based upon trust and communication. Trust, you broke, plain and simple. Now it's time to communicate.

My advice would be to tell her you cheated and offer couple's counseling to get past this together. Frankly though she might not want anything to do with you anymore after learning you cheated. If you respect her and love her enough you should tell her and try to move past it together. That's great you forgave yourself, but what about your girlfriend? She can't forgive you because she doesn't even know. I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, just trying to give you a dose of reality.

Would you want to know if she cheated on you?

Do you want to propose and maybe get married living a lie? And what if further down the line she were to find out?
I don't think you should propose marriage at all at this stage.

Besides what do you mean you don't know why you cheated?
And how on earth can you say you won't repeat the same mistake again?

You really need to sort this mess out.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is how would you feel if you were in her position. Would you be able to forgive or forget?

As for the reasoning behind the cheating. My guess would be that part of you is/was unsatisfied with the relationship and went somewhere else to fill the missing pieces. Now you might realize that you weren't missing any pieces, but it's too late to turn back the clock.

Unfortunately you made a mistake and it's time to face the consequences. Keeping this a secret means that you will have to live with the guilt and she's living a lie. Is that fair to her?

I'm a big fan of honesty. This is a very difficult situation, but in hopes of maintaining a relationship with this woman, in my opinion, you need to tell her.

You're living in fear of her finding out. What happens if she finds out about the cheat? From someone else? I can't imagine what she'd feel if this was a piece of gossip that she just happened to pick up.

I'm going to advise you to tell her. Proposing to her without giving her the benefit of knowing what happened is tragic. She should have the right to chose if she can forgive you.

I know for a fact that these things can be forgiven and forgotten. But, it takes a strong relationship to make it through.

It's time to man up to your mistakes and deal with the consequences.

I think you guys are all right and I feel selfish not telling her. But I really can't come up with a good reason why I cheated! I always thought our relationship was great and I can't imagine a better woman. I know she deserves better than to have a secret like this between us... but I'm really afraid of losing her! I guess why I posted is because I wanted some unbiased opinions. And I do feel guilty. But, people do make mistakes and maybe there is some chance that this will never come out and... maybe not knowing is better than hurting because of knowing. Thanks for your feedback.

I gotta say, man, if you cheated on her, then you're fooling yourself a bit with your emotions here.

The simple fact is, if you really loved her and wanted to be with only her, then you would. Simple as that. You're trying to make excuses for what you did because you don't want to accept a simple fact - you might not love her as much as you want to.

I went through this same issue with one of my exes, and I tore myself apart trying to figure out why I cheated. This simple fact is, at the time I cared more about myself than I did about her. You need to accept that and deal with it.

And yes, you need to tell her. The only thing worse than cheating on someone is lying to them about it.

Forget marriage, btw. Even if it does work out out short-term, you'll both end up miserable in the long-run.

~ Tee

PS - Yes people make mistakes, but you need to be willing to accept the consequences of those mistakes. She has every right to dump you on the spot, and if you resent her for it, you're only showing how selfish you really are.

Of course you tell her the truth, and be ready to deal with the consequences. That's the only fair thing to do, as she should have the same chance to forgive you that you had.

It sounds like the general belief is that I'm being selfish if I don't tell her and that we are most likely going to have a lot of work to do. I'm willing to fight for her and hope that she feels the same about me. I have to really think about this (not like I haven't been already) and get the nerve to do it soon. I'm really confused !

I agree with everyone. Tell her. Rather sooner than later. If you really forgave yourself you would not hesitate to tell her. Regardless of the fear you have of losing her.

Keeping a secret like that prevents you from showing up 100% in the relationship.

I'm still processing... Is there anyone out there who things I shouldn't tell my girlfriend?

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Originally Posted by mikeylog

I'm still processing...Is there anyone out there who things I shouldn't tell my gf?

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I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer out there.

What you need to do is get your priorities straight.

1) Do you think that you are treating her fairly?
2) How deep is your guilt?
3) Do you have a conscience?
4) Can you live with yourself by keeping this secret from her? Do you think this behavior is selfish?
5) What are your values? What are you beliefs?

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Originally Posted by I wish

What you need to do is get your priorities straight.

1) Do you think that you are treating her fairly?
2) How deep is your guilt?
3) Do you have a conscience?
4) Can you live with yourself by keeping this secret from her? Do you think this behavior is selfish?
5) What are your values? What are you beliefs?

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These are good questions to ask myself! :o

For me cheating is a definite deal breaker. :mad:

Give me a break - You sleep with another woman then moan about not wanting to hurt your girlfriend or lose her. Shouldn't you have thought about that before you had sex with the other woman?! You can’t even fess up to why you did it, so what makes you think that you’ll not do it again?

If you really loved her you would never have fooled around. Your mind would have been well enough to not give in to your sexual desires.

In my opinion, if you want to make it right, break it off with the girlfriend before she finds out and is really hurt. You cheated on her, then probably had sex with her after you were with another girl and may have exposed her to an STD. You obviously don't know what love or loss really is and since you're already keeping secrets, it shows you have no loyalty or trust.

Everyone is going to attack me for saying this but I don't think you should tel her...
If you know your never going to do it again why make her wonder everyday if your cheating?
Your going to be relieving your guilt and putting so much hurt on her... I think if you tell her its being selfish really more than not telling her because you want to feel good. Don't make her go through that if you KNOW your not going to do it again and if you truly love her and she truly loves you put it behind you and marry her!

Lovebird, attack you? No. Disagree with you though, yes I do.

I can see in certain circumstances where not telling would be the way to go but I believe those to be few and far between. Example: if your loved one was on their deathbed - you telling them would serve no purpose but to alleviate your own guilt and most likely make their last moments miserable. The fact that mikeylog is not sure exactly why he did it in the first place is a red flag for me. If there was a clear cut reason, he could address the issue in the relationship but since there is no real reason, what's to say it won't happen again?

mikeylog,

It is only right and fair in my opinion that you should tell her - especially since you both aren't married yet. She deserves to know what she is getting herself into. Trust and open communication are a few of the foundations of a long lasting mature relationship. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment - how would you feel if you had found out that she cheated on you after you were married years later?

If you tell her you risk losing it all.

Swallow your guilt and say nothing if you want it to work stay the same as it is.
She will never feel the same way about you ever again once you open up your mouth.

It's your choice.

No. You don't tell her.
If you know you won't do it again and are willing to be faithful in a marriage, then you don't tell her.
There's no point in hurting the girl. Leave the past in the past.

After trying to help people who found out years into their marriages that their mate cheated before the wedding, I am going to have agree with telling her what happened. She may surprise you and not dump you.

Somehow, cheating almost always ends up being found out. That betrayal is as fresh for them whether they find out about days after it happened or decades. When it is decades, they tend to start feeling like the whole marriage was a lie and their mate never really loved or cared for them.

Do you want to be happily married with children and a home and have it all come crashing down around your head because you accidentally say something or someone else does?

Listen, I know we all come from different walks of life, and have different experiences, but how could anyone actually encourage this guy to live his entire live based on a lie?

Look, the fact is, you're disguising your guilt here because you say you don't want to hurt her by telling her. Well guess what - you owe her the truth. Right now you ARE being selfish by holding out on her. If you care more about her than yourself, then you NEED to tell her the truth.

How anyone could actually suggest lying as an acceptable alternative is beyond me, and makes me sad for any potential mates they may have in the future. Honestly, how could you live with yourself? I cheated on the love of my life, and I couldn't go more than a couple hours without telling her. But maybe that's just me.

Jeez. It's hard not to post angrily when I see comments like that.

~ Tee

The sad part is even though she may never know, there are 3 who do,

YOU!

YOUR GOD!

THE OTHER GIRL!

The chances of her finding out later have just tripled. And while you seem remorseful enough now, I just wonder when life makes things hard on you later, as it does us all, how your resolved to not cheat will stand up.

I disagree with the posters who advocate lying for reasons that are obvious. To the OP-you're the one who's going to have to live with your cheating and the probable consequences of the same whatever you choose to do-own up or not.

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Quote by Devorameira;
If you really loved her you would never have fooled around. Your mind would have been well enough to not give in to your sexual desires.

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I'm leaning toward telling her, and have been having the conversation in my head of what I plan on telling her. I just have to get the guts to do it. And about what happened back then when I cheated, I am being HONEST when I say that I don't exactly know why I did it. I was attracted to the other girls, I desired having sex with her, told myself I would NEVER do it because I love my girlfriend, but I ended up putting myself in a bad position and made a really bad choice. I don't know if I buy into the line that I didn't really "love" my girlfriend back then because I cheated on her. You are all right that she deserves better and she deserves the truth and she doesn't deserve to be hurt by my bad choices. I know that you all think that once someone cheats, they are bound to do it again... but as of right now, I really don't believe I will EVER put myself in that position or do it again. NONE of us can say what we will do or won't do tomorrow! NO ONE. But I can say what I believe in and feel right now. NO ONE knows what they are capable of until they are put in the position where they are challenged and... everyone is capable of making MISTAKES. For 4 years I didn't cheat on my girlfriend. She is my first love, and my first long-term relationship, and I believe that she is my true love. I didn't cheat on her for 4 years and made one BIG mistake. So, I'm admitting to my mistake, and doing the best that I know right now to make things right and to not start a life with my girlfriend based on a lie. Live and learn. I am hoping that she will forgive me. I know this will change everything, but I have to have faith that we will both be able to work this out. Thank you for sharing your opinions.

I wish you well, my friend. I think you are making a good decision.

Good luck and I hope things go well with your talk.

You definitely don't want to make "lying" a trend in this relationship. Honest and open communication is the way to go. Like you said, if you really cared about her, you wouldn't want her to live a lie.

Just remember, after you tell her the truth, it's going to take her some time to accept what happened and it could take even more time to earn back her trust. So be prepared for a bumpy ride.

As long as she's willing to give you the chance to earn back her trust and as long as you're willing to put in the effort, then you have a chance together.

Mikey,

Do you really want to propose and keep this lie? You love and care for her deeply and yet are willing to put her in a situation that keeps things from her that you know she would probably have a problem with and would influence her decision.

Also if you don't know why you did it, what is stopping you from doing it again? Maybe you should go see a shrink to find out why you did such a damaging thing.

Good decision-I hope you can work things out.