I am really struggling at the moment. I am heartbroken and in despair. I have left my boyfriend of one year because I found out that he is still using marijuana even though he told me that he was going to try and give up and that (I caught him smoking, even when he knew that I was coming over)] which I find disrespectful) and also found a new stash (he told me had none left). I just can't explain in words how devastated I am right now.

I don't know if you remember my previous thread, but into our relationship I discovered that he had an addiction to marijuana (everyday; heavy smoker). Since then I have openly discussed my feelings about this, I attended a support group for loved ones of addicts which was very educating. He has gradually cut down during our relationship, and many months ago, stopped smoking when I am around which was a big step for him. I have seen the effort that he has put in, but for him, I know that it is difficult for him to have moderation with the stuff (It has to be nothing at all otherwise it will gradually increase and become a problem again)

Our relationship has been so much better since these changes have been made and we have both been very happy and content for the last months. But since my discovery, after what he told me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back and I left.

I know many people might think: marijuana smoker = loser. But I just have to explain that I am in love with a wonderful man who is intelligent, well-read, caring and loving, my soul-mate EXCEPT this one problem = marijuana addiction. This is why it is hard for me, and the reason that I have tried and stuck with this for so long. I have never loved anyone before, like I love him.

I have basically told him that I love him very much, but that love is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship in this situation. I have told him that I love him, but I cannot see a future with him, with children etc, marriage, if marijauna is part of our relationship. I have told him that he needs to make a decision. Marijuana or me?

Please don't judge me, because I know some people might think I am naïve or weak to have stuck around so long. I know many of you gave very good advice before which I did not follow because I wasn't strong enough to leave etc I really want to do the right thing that will make me happy in the long run. I am willing to REALLY listen now. I am in an open-minded space. I have to be strong.

My questions to you are:
Have I done the right thing?

Am I being too hard on him given that he has tried to make progress?

How much time should I give him to think about things? (months? Year?

If he wants me back (which I know he does) on what terms should I accept him back (or am I being naive) and how can I be sure that he means his comittment?

I know realtionships are about compromising, and how much should I compromise (ie should I be happy with occasional smoking at special occasions or is this dangerous given addiction which is what I tend to think). Or should I not compromise on this issue.

Thanks for listening...

Well he is addicted to it so its going to be hard to become sober. But he shouldn't have lied to you wish I could understand. I would say I don't your being to hard on him. But you have to understand that he has a problem. You should give him as much time as he needs. Should you take him back? Has he done this multiple times or is this his first.

Some people use marijuana the way some people take anti depressants,it is a self medicating thing.

If he is a smart educated wonderful man than how is his use interfering with his life?

Personally,I find it less harmful than tobacco or alcohol and as we are learning it is a viable alternative to many medications that have harmful side effects.

It is being decriminalized and even legalized for that very reason and despite popular anti drug mentality,it is not proven to be physically addictive.

If he has curbed his use ,perhaps that is the best compromise you are going to get,and that he not smoke in your presence.

He's obviously addicted to the marijuana, and from what I've seen, it is a difficult addiction to break. I'm sure he only lied to you in an attempt to cover up the fact that he was still smoking. He knew it'd hurt you to know that he just hasn't been able to kick it.

You indicate that he is a really great guy otherwise, so I would suggest that you make him undergo a treatment program to try and break the habit. Then, if he's successful, maybe you could consider a future with him.

I agree with Devorameira, he needs to put himself in a treatment program. He is obviously addicted to the marijuana, and he won't be able to do it by himself, without getting some kind of help. I would come straight out and tell him until he can prove himself and get into the program there won't be you and him anymore.

Hi Artlady;

When it is just casual use, then it is OK. Although I don't want to be around the smoke.

When he smokes a lot, then I cannot connect with him We are on different levels for weeks. He also shows me little intimacy or affection when he was using heavily in the past.

I also worry about the health effects. He has asthma and he is always wheezing. I have asked him would he try vaporising instead (no smoke) but he says that the hot feeling of the smoke is part of the whole pleasure thing...

Thanks for the advice guys

Radioactive:
It is the first time that he has lied to me. But not the first time he has smoked when I am at his house in another room, or when he knows I am coming over.

When he puts you before the weed he may be ready, but don't hold your breathe.

I honestly think you need to remove yourself from the situation with him, It doesn't sound like he is going to quit. You want a guy like that? I wouldn't be around someone like that and give him the time of day, or even be in the same room as him. Don't let him get caught or you be in the car with him if he has it on him. The outcome won't be good for the both of you.

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Originally Posted by sully123

I honestly think you need to remove yourself from the situation with him, It doesn't sound like he is going to quit. You want a guy like that? I wouldn't be around someone like that and give him the time of day, or even be in the same room as him. Don't let him get caught or you be in the car with him if he has it on him. The outcome won't be good for the both of you.

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Why do you think weed is so bad?

I am nearing 56 and I have smoked since I was 14.

I have all my facilities about me,I have raised two brilliant children as a single mother .

I only smoke maybe once a week but when I do I feel I have that right and I don't see it as a bad thing.

Tell me why you feel so adamant against weed.

No argument but I don't get the zealous anti weed thing .

Weed is not bad.Its not. People who abuse it are fools but that applies to anything,that is abused. :D Talk to me tell me why.

I have many medical issues and weed is the only thing that helps me ,I am allergic to most drugs,seriously.

To add to this I am talking about maybe two hits a week off a bowl.

When I need it.Not getting stoned and doing it for stupidity sake,
Just because I smoked as a kid does not mean I progressed to be an old age stoner,that would not be an accurate statement because for 15, 16 yrs.I didn't smoke all.Until I got sick and I found something to help ME!


You can not put people in a box and try to define them.

Weed is not a bad drug,if it was it would not be on the throes of legalization. If the GOV approves ,think about it.

Since he's so heavily into smoking, treatment is the only answer.

Everybody has their own opinions here, but, unless he's got a prescription for his marijuana, it's illiegal in the United States.

The definition of an addict, is when you engage in things that causes problems in your life. Seems you're the only problem, and if you both have not reached a compromise that you can agree to, then that's a problem.

If you don't want it in your life at all then that's a completely different issue, and you have a right to that position. He quits or leaves your life, but that's HIS choice to make. You can't make him stop doing his thing, nor should you. Chances are he was doing it when you met him, and that didn't stop you then did it?

Ultimately whatever your issue is with him, you either work together to set the boundaries of good behavior, or you don't.

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Originally Posted by Devorameira

Since he's so heavily into smoking, treatment is the only answer.

Everybody has their own opinions here, but, unless he's got a prescription for his marijuana, it's illiegal in the United States.

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I agree! (Yes, it is illegal in the US)

Smoking pot and asthma do not go together. If he is that intelligent he would know that. Also, when you smoke pot you tend to be either overly romantic or overly not romantic wanting to be alone and not bothered by another person as they will interrupt your high. This would account for the times you previously said he was "not interested in sex" and times where you don't connect for weeks.

The skunk pot now available in the UK is pot that has probably twice or more the THC level of other pot. It's like drinking white lightening or moonshine compared to a beer. He smokes it because he wants to get high period.

You sound like you now have "buyers remorse". You bought the idea of you'll be better off without him and now you're moaning that you may have made the wrong decision.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years with this guy? If you do decide to continue with him I can easily see you still coddling him and still trying to get him to quit his pot habit. You can't make someone quit doing something just because you make them chose you or the addiction. It's not that easy. The addict or alcoholic or heroin addict will seldom chose you over their habit. Not to be regative about it - I'm just being truthful.

And yes, the second hand smoke that you inhale (considering it does have the super high THC levels) can and will make you high as well. Do you really need or want to be high when you go to work? Hopefully not.

You found him, so I'm confident you can find another suitable man to take his place. He was just not the one for you. Move on with your life and enjoy dating.

Sandal-any addict will choose their addiction over everyone or everything else. He has to want to change-for himself,no one else. That's not happening here,is it?
I think you need to let him go as you have a life to lead,and that life should be lived according to your idea of what is acceptable, nobody else's.

Hi Artlady,

I have just got back from a no-internet holiday... Now at work.I really appreciate your honesty. I will have a think and get back to you... I think it would do me a lot of good to actually write down my feelings about weed... But can't do it now (work blaaah). Will have a think and write them down in my next post :-)

Thanks Talaniman and Amicon and Devorameira for your advice... I am slowly getting my head around all this

Happy New Year

I think the problem could very well be the danger to the OP's professional license as a Physician should he/she be stopped and/or arrested.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think the problem could very well the danger to the OP's professional license as a Physician should he/she be stopped and/or arrested.

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But remember JKT she's supposedly not in the same room as the smokers but that is irrelevant to the OP. This guy is the "love of her life" blah blah blah and she's not going to listen to us. She just came here to "see if it was okay" to take him back under "her terms". I figured that one out a long time ago about this OP. She apparently didn't read my post about moving on with her life as she's not interested in "wrapping her head around" the truth regardless of how much we tell her it will never work. She's more interested in learning more about pot smoking, etc. than actually paying any attention to the fact it's illegal and can cause some pretty awful stuff to happen in her life down the road.

Maybe, just maybe she might pay attention to the fact that she could lose her license and possibly her freedom and sit in prison over him and his pot smoking addiction. I doubt it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Devorameira

Since he's so heavily into smoking, treatment is the only answer.

Everybody has their own opinions here, but, unless he's got a prescription for his marijuana, it's illiegal in the United States.

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OP is not in US. I think this thread should be combined with first thread about same issue for sake of clarity. Also helpful to read other posts.

I have to admit, I came into this late but it all depends on how the OP feels about it. Personally, I would never sacrifice my beliefs to suit a relationship. I am heavily against drugs, therefore I won't be in a relationship where the person does it. She has to decide if she is willing to give up how she feels to make the relationship work

This conflict about MJ goes deeper than just his sex drive, as you allude to in your other post,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ip-400525.html,
But also the life you have worked for, and the life you seek with him also, and the one you seek for yourself.

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I have been to a support group for people close to drug abusers and have been open with him.

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I think you have reached that point where you must decide if its worth the risk of him changing enough to make a life together possible.

I am sure the group you're in has also told you that you have to be willing to leave him alone, and do your own thing in life, if he doesn't do what it takes to help you build a life together. You sure can't force him, can you?

This isn't about the pot at all, but how you deal with the conflict that is driving a wedge between you.

Sure you may have fallen in love, before you realized the things about him that has caused problems between you, and will undoubtedly get worse, but now that you have seen his actions, and the way he treats the issues, you have enough facts to leave him alone period and let him deal with his own demons, which may take years of change, to overcome. Its a lot of hard work in front of him.

You have worked so hard to get to where you are, and don't need to be dragged down, and made miserable by a guy who is in a totally different place, as you are.

You can never work together through honest communications with a guy who is in denial about how important his choices are, and how important his choices are to your future together.

So its really falls on your shoulders to end this, and leave him his own choices to make for himself, without your influence as you have already seen what making him quit the MJ for you, and your future means to him.

That's why you will have no resolution to this problem unless he is more motivated for long term solutions, and not just making you think he can change, which he can for a while, but its only temporary, and disappears when you start getting comfortable and hopeful.

You must leave just for the fact you don't want to be in his restricted circle, and he doesn't deserve to be in your ever expanding circle, nor is he qualified.

The only terms you can accept, are the ones you have defined for yourself, and not some watered down compromise that drags you down to his level, so take none of his BS until he proves to himself he is up to the task of being the kind of man you deserve. Accept nothing less.

Don't take him back you'll be so much happier, when/if he goes to meetings/rehab and is sober for a year take him back, IF he's even the same person off weed. And unless HE wants to quit he won't so don't count on it.

Not going to get into the smoking pot or not debate as there are obviously times as artlady said that it can be medically beneficial to some people.

However to me this a different scenario and he seems addicted to the actual "getting off" on Dope rather than anything beneficial to his health. I think you've made your stance now and it's up to him to WIN you back , your obviously not happy to put up with the Pot smoking so now he has to stop it or lose you for good.

IF you go back your just sending him the signals that he can keep doing it.

Accepting bad behavior, only leads to more bad behavior.

If you give in now he'll never take you serious - your relationship will be doomed! Stay strong!

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Originally Posted by sandalwood7

I know realtionships are about compromising, and how much should I compromise (ie should I be happy with occasional smoking at special occasions or is this dangerous given addiction which is what I tend to think). Or should I not compromise on this issue.

Thanks for listening...

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Who is going to make the list of special occasions when he has your permisison to smoke MJ? You? I doubt it.

Him? Probably.

And those "special occasions" could be every day of the week that ends with "day." Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and so forth.

You are attempting to reach a compromise - on his terms.

There is an alternative to all this, leave him alone, disappear from his life, and do your thing, and reach your decision without him.

Seems to me, you have too much to lose, and gain nothing but a contact high you don't want.

In this relationship you would not just be compromising to suit him you'd be rolling over and playing dead.

I won't tell you it's okay to stay with him just because you can't "let go". He sounds like more of a "habit" of yours and nothing more. You need to get over your habit and move on.

He is not going to change his ways. Why should he?