I’m very analytical & logical and process my emotions very carefully. I’ve taken time; stepped back and slowly, carefully evaluated the situation. Evaluated her (my ex), myself, & the relationship in total. The end truth here is that I met, and subsequently lost, “the one”.

Real love/true happiness is rare. “The one” comes along only once, maybe twice in a lifetime—if you’re lucky. Well I can honestly say I found the person I always dreamed of but never thought existed. And lost her. How does one go on knowing this? How to carry on knowing there’s no one better than your ex?

The situation, in brief:

We met during the most tumultuous period in my life & I made many terrible mistakes and caused her lots of suffering (not my intention of course). I was irresponsible with her feelings. I mistreated her for a long time and on top of that I made several monumental mistakes.

I won’t sugar coat it, you may consider me to be the villain in the relationship. Together, we experienced the highest-of-highs and the lowest-of-lows. She has flaws too of course (extremely temperamental for instance), but the good well outweighed the bad. I’m now suffering badly for having lost her. And I will be the first to tell you that I probably deserve every ounce of suffering that comes my way for my sins—and more. I’m filled with endless regret over it all.

And, well….as these things usually go….about two months ago; she completely deleted me out of her life. Deleted off Facebook, and her friends, no phone, no texts, no emails, nothing; absolutely no contact no matter how hard I try. I know her well and am coming to terms with the knowledge I’ll never see nor speak to her again for as long as I live. I won’t so much as even have a chance meeting with her.

I can find other girls, sure. But I don’t want that. I don’t want someone else. I want her. And I won't settle. How can I move on knowing I found perfection and now it’s gone forever? I’m all too aware of just how extremely wonderful & rare my ex is. The things I want/need in a companion truly do not exist within anyone else. That's the truth. No other girl can ever hope to measure up.

Going back isn't an option, she's well gone now. But there's no going forward either. How to carry on knowing there’s no one better than your ex?

I know it's really hard for you to let this girl go, but as you said, "going back isn't an option".

Time is one of the things that will help you heal and move on. When someone plays such an important part in your life, I know you can't imagine a time without them. But use this time to regroup with old friends and lean on your new friends as much as you can. Don't feel uncomfortable or like you're imposing yourself on someone if you need to talk, email, text, or hang out with friends often. Everyone goes through a period like this and sometimes you go through it more than once. Also, try keeping yourself as busy as you can with as many hobbies and interests as you can.

Hellen Keller once said: "when one door closes, another opens". The problem is that we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we dont see the one that has opened for us. Take your time healing, then start looking for that open door.

First realising that there is no one that is "the one" we make our relationships by hard work, by communication and by sharing.

Next sorry but there is always someone better than an ex, first they will be there for us and it will be a current not a memory, that into itself is better to start.

Bbut go on by making a list ( if you must) of all the bad things, and it will help remind you that it is easy to find better.

I just don't know how to carry on knowing there’s no one better than my ex. She was the most rarest of creatures, everyone else pales in comparison. No one can or will come close. And I refuse to "settle" for less. How can I hope to carry on with the knowledge that no one will ever be able to stack up?

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Bbut go on by making a list ( if you must) of all the bad things, and it will help remind you that it is easy to find better.

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She certainly had her flaws. She was temperamental and moody, and other things. But the good outweighed the bad by a very wide margin. She was pretty damned perfect, for me. All things considered, she was practically tailor made for me.

By you saying that you have met someone that no one else can compare to is like you saying that you have met the perfect person. NOT POSSIBLE. You have to learn to mourn the loss of your relationship and move on. It's possible for you to meet someone else that will enlighten you and bring joy to your life. The main thing that I am finding of concern is your statements and your apparent sense of not wanting to move on. You can't say that "everyone" pales in comparison because you haven't met "Everyone". How old are you? <-no harm intended? Just curious.

No offence taken. I'm in my mid-to-late twenties.

You're right to detect I'm having trouble moving on. On the one hand I understand it's over, that there's no going back. But on the other I'm aware of what a massive loss this is. She's irreplaceable. There's nothing else like her out there.

Sure, I can/will meet others, but they aren't going to compare. I could live several lifetimes and meet every woman who has ever lived and still not find better. I'm absolutely convinced of it. This isn't naivety speaking; I have plenty of life experience and am well aware of what else is out there. And nothing can or will compare. There is no equal.

And that's what I'm reeling from. I don't know how to cope with that reality--the reality of knowing she was it.

But she is not, anyone can be replaced, but you are not replacing her, you have no one, so you are finding someone, that is far different from replacing.

But no, you are in a stage where you don't know how to live with life, but you are considering false facts as real,

If after a month or two, you are still like this, you will or should consider professional counseling

regretfullness, there are better girls out there! Trust me I said the same garbage before haha
Right now your too depressed to even think about another woman, but when you get out there, ull realize there are good people out there
I thought my ex was the one, turns out it wasn't
How can you be so convinced she's the one?
U know these could be one of those "it happens" for a reason kind of thing, I'm sure your not the first guy to think or has come on here thinking "she's the only one" -.-

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond thus far, please keep them coming...

Young_Cardinal, I know how this must appear to you and everyone else whose reading & what you must be thinking: "He (me) is just hurt, it's all very recent (if two months ago is recent), he is broken hearted, is too close to the situation to think clearly, it's not the end of the world, that there are other girls out there, everyone goes through this, it takes time" etc.

I'll say this... I've given this tremendous thought; I mean I've really stepped back and analyzed everything. And in my heart of hearts I know she will never be equaled. She is the rarest of the rare. Truly everything I hoped & dreamed for and more--in fact way more. I'm a careful observer of the human condition and say all of this with absolute conviction.

No one else can or will compare. It's a sad, grim fact and frankly am unsure how to deal with that kind of hopelessness.

There are six BILLION people on this planet! To think that this one girl was absolute perfection is not only non-sense, it's mathematically highly impossible! Nobody is perfect, NOBODY. I was totally broken up when my ex, who was my first love, broke up with my back in May, but you've got to move on. The Hollywood idea of "The One" is nonsense to begin with, but if she truly was "The One," she would've found a way to work things out with you. The fact that she chose not to just goes to show that she is not the one.

The one person that should truly make you happy is yourself. I've hit the gym harder than ever before, and have just been focusing on things I enjoy doing and I'm in a heck of a lot better position than I was back in May and mid-July when my ex was stilly wishy-washy on wanting to be with me. I've had like 4 or 5 people try hooking me up with people recently and have just been like jeez... I don't NEED to be with somebody to be happy. I was happy before my ex, I was happy with my ex, and I'm happy after my ex. It sounds like you're depressed about the situation, and it's perfectly fine to feel down. You've got to pick yourself back up. I'll be perfectly honest, I still think about my ex every single day, not about anything in particular... she'll just pop into my mind. And you know what that's fine, but what you can't keep doing is keep beating yourself up for stuff you did in your relationship.

Whenever I'm feeling a little down recently, now you're going to laugh at this, I've been watching a clip from Rocky Balboa. :) It's the part of the movie where Rocky is talking to his son. The quote goes like this, and I think you need to apply it to your life:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can *GET HIT* and keep moving forward. How much you can *TAKE* and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

You've taken a big hit, but it's time to get back up and say is that all you can throw at me, and keep moving forward. Hang in there, getting over somebody is like 9-step process. But trust me, there are definitely other great girls out there! :)

If this girl was "THE ONE" then why are you broken up? If you treated her like crap or had the highest highs and lowest lows then how can she be the perfect one for you? And if you haven't experienced the future then how do you know she is "THE ONE". You are basing your past on the future. If you stay in this cycle of behavior glamorizing the past and comparing every girl to this EX who apparently wasn't the one since you aren't dating anymore, you will never find someone who is right for you. Going back isn't an option but neither is going forward? Think of the reality of what you are saying.. It doesn't matter what you do, if this girl doesn't want to be with you, then she doesn't want to be with you. You putting her on a pedastal isn't going to change things. You thinking no one will measure up won't bring her back... so if you want to go the rest of your life miserable and unhappy, then keep it up.. keep glamorizing this chick like she is the best thing since sliced bread. And you will find yourself alone and unhappy. Or.. move on, accept reality for what it is. Accept the relationships of the past for what they are: relationships of the past, where you learn and grow and realize how to treat a girl, what to say, what to do, and what you want. Humans were made so that we can survive without love. You don't HAVE to be married and in a relationship to live. So focus on living single. Try and make yourself happy alone (go to the gym, learn to play guitar, skydive, get a better job, clean your house, meet some friends). And when you are truly happy ALONE, then you can be happy meeting someone else. Everyday you think about your EX is just one more day you have to start over. Going NO CONTACT includes your mind. If you don't call her or talk to her but you think about her everyday its just as unhealthy as talking to her. Get her out of your mind, start fresh, and good luck.

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Originally Posted by regretfullness

How to carry on knowing there's no one better than your ex?

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How do you know that there's no one better than you ex without meeting all 6+ billion people in this world?

I am sorry for your loss and you seem in great pain. But I have to say your first mistake is saying she is "rare" and she is the "rarest of the rarest" Every human body is rare. No two are alike. Our actions, our likes and dislikes, every thing that makes us who we are differ from the next. Your closing your mind to the thought there could be another girl out there for you. Stop comparing your loss to the other single women in the world and open your eyes to what could be in front of you. No matter how perfect a women crosses your path your going to sabotage it and compare her to your ex. Doing that you will never be happy.

Your letting these crazy thoughts take over your mind instead of seeing what reality is. Its over. Like the others have said, if she were the one then you would still have her. Maybe she was the one for you, but your not the one for her. There is no perfect love and no perfect person. You have to see this and stop putting her up there like she is a goddess. Love is hard work every day. To keep it strong and to keep building on it. Are you going to let the "one" slip away because you think you already lost her? You haven't lost her because you haven't found her yet.

Get yourself together and move on. She sounds like she did. Work on yourself and being better and stronger. One day you will be on here saying it is possible and you did it. You can do anything you want to do. Just focus straight ahead and don't look back and stop comparing every woman to her.

Stop projecting: you're putting her on a pedestal because of your self-deprecating attitude. From down there in the depths of depression, everyone looks more perfect than you; you should be at eye-level. Start climbin'!

I can't tell you of the six-billion people on this planet, someone else "better than her" exists because I don't know how you measure what's good in the first place, that's for you to find out.

You're first priority is getting out of this rut of self-worthlessness and realize you can get back on your feet.

Just remember perfection is in the eye of the beholder.
The next one could be even more perfect.

WARNING: Straight shooting.

"I want her. And I won't settle." are the words of a child whose toy has been taken away, not the words of an adult man.

You will move on when you stop imagining that anything about what you just told us is "logical and analytical." Like everyone else you know, you are a creature of passion, impulse, and, apparently, poor judgment. Accept this. You are human and deeply flawed, just like the rest of us.

If you want to be happier (nobody is completely happy), you have to stop looking for perfection and, importantly, stop thinking in black and white about everything. Of course, she was not perfect for you, or you would still be together. At minimum, YOU were not perfect for her. And she can't be perfect for you if you make her miserable, which you apparently did.

There are more than 3 billion women alive right now. It's unlikely that all of them are inferior to this one person you happened to meet and form a relationship with.

I strongly recommend that you let go of the idea that you lost her because of a few mistakes during a tumultuous period of your life. Judging from what you've written here, I strongly suspect that your deeply held beliefs and attitudes were the cause of your tumultuous relationship and her flight and hiding from you. Instead of fretting about how inferior your next girlfriend will inevitably be, think about how your own enduring (not temporary) flaws caused her to leave and teach yourself to be a more giving and adult partner. Work on yourself. Learn from your mistakes. What did she tell you was wrong?

Also, the first step in your path to adulthood is to stop trying to contact her.

Take some time for you and get to know you. Take the time to understand what went wrong. Not how to fix it, but how to become a better person because of it. Work on yourself. She wasn't the one and its not a big deal. Your setting a pretty high standard right now for some other woman to try to come in and fill. Don't do that. You don't want someone to feel that have to constantly compete for what you once had.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

The next one could be even more perfect.

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No! Don't tell him that. That just sets up the next poor girlfriend for being held up to impossible standards, which was probably a factor in the first relationship. The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.

He needs to think of women as separate people from himself. Even after he has broken up with this person, he cannot distinguish between the feelings of love he experienced and the person toward whom those feelings were directed. He thinks those feelings were about her when they were actually him.

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asking agrees: I disagree. Inflated entitlement is the problem, not low self worth.

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Call it whatever you want, it all has the same affect on him anyway.

EDIT:

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Originally Posted by asking

The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.

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Where are you getting this, where does he indicate he's a perfectionist? He just has a broken heart. I did the same thing, I wanted that one girl after I had just lost her and no one else could take her spot, I guess I'm a bad guy, too. In fact, read every post on AMHD where the girl just broke-off a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, all of those guys reacted just as we did. You've clearly taken offence to his post, and I'm not exactly sure why.

First of all, sorry for your relationship break-up. We only grow and learn from our mistakes. Instead of analyzing and thinking back what I should have done to make this work, now its time for you. You know what you did, and then maybe next time you won't repeat the same wrong things. Sounds too me, she had some issues too, she doesn't seem perfect to me. Stop being so hard on yourself! Get out there and try to focus on meeting new people, go out and enjoy yourself. No one said it would ever be easy, its just something to have to accept that's it over. She has shut all the doors, on this relationship, and you can't change it now, only change you.

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Originally Posted by asking

No! Don't tell him that. That just sets up the next poor girlfriend for being held up to impossible standards, which was probably a factor in the first relationship. The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.

He needs to think of women as separate people from himself. Even after he has broken up with this person, he cannot distinguish between the feelings of love he experienced and the person toward whom those feelings were directed. He thinks those feelings were about her when they were actually him.

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Very true asking. I didn't look at it that way. I guess I was looking at his obsession with the one he had. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Where are you getting this, where does he indicate he's a perfectionist? He just has a broken heart. I did the same thing, I wanted that one girl after I had just lost her and no one else could take her spot, I guess I'm a bad guy, too. In fact, read every post on AMHD where the girl just broke-off a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, all of those guys reacted just as we did.

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I did not say he was a perfectionist. I said he is thinking in black and white. I would like to save his next girlfriend from some measure of pain and increase the possibility that he'll have more success in his next relationship. He thinks that the things that went wrong are small things, easily fixed, and they are not. He has some serious work to do. Instead he's focused on what losers other women are. That's a problem.

All men at AMHD are not like this.

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Originally Posted by asking

All men at AMHD are not like this.

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Correct, but a lot are, it's the stages people go through when they experience loss. It's very rare when a couple break up do they go their respective ways and actually follow NC from the start.

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Originally Posted by asking

He thinks that the things that went wrong are small things, easily fixed, and they are not.

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I don't know where you read that, if the issues they had as a couple were easily fixed, they'd probably still be together.

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Originally Posted by asking

Instead he's focused on what losers other women are. That's a problem..

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Where did he call other women losers? He just doesn't want to date other women right now because his mind is clouded. And really, he's doing the right thing, oftentimes people will jump right into a rebound relationship after they lost the "love of their life" and when that new relationship fails as it usually does, you can add one more bruised ego to the list.

To the OP: It's been two months since she's cut you out of her life, so do the same to her. Stay single and repair your ego.

The OP is in deep shock, and denial, but reality, and time will slap him soon.

Usually when the brain takes back over, and he can see with clear eyes, he will see his perfect girl has a lot of competition.

Let the guy rant if that's what he needs.

I admit I have a tendency to think in extremes, in black or white, in all-or-nothing terms. That’s a fair criticism. I’m aware of it. That said, in this case my thinking is truly warranted.

When I say she is perfect, I don’t mean to say she is without flaws. She has flaws & is flawed. I don’t think of her as a goddess. By “perfect”, she holds every quality I ever dreamed of in a partner, and more. Very very rare qualities, all held in one individual. Indescribable, really. I mean to say she is the only one who could make me the happiest.

Yes, I am a bit of a perfectionist. But that in itself isn’t a bad thing. She met and exceeded my ultra high criteria. I truly didn’t believe someone like her to exist.

It’s over now. I know. I have zero delusions about her ever coming back to me. I’m coming to terms with that. What I am having a hard time accepting is the fact that there’s no other out there like her. Yes I’ll give other girls a chance…some may even provide me with some modicum of happiness but it will never be near what I did have, and could have had, with her. I won’t find those rare qualities, that happiness, ever again. No one else will or can provide what she gives me, there is no one better. It’s morbid. It’s brutal. It’s as black and white as that. And I’m not sure how to deal with that reality.

Stop telling yourself that she’s “the only one”, that you're madly in love her, how terribly miserable you are without her, how wrong/sad/unfair it is that you can't be together, how you'll never get over her, and so on. By obsessing on those phrases and others like them, you're defining yourself by the situation, locking yourself into this seemingly inescapable whirlpool of feelings. Until you break this cycle you will continue to be miserable. While your feelings don't have to change (although they probably will change over time), you need to evolve in how you are dealing with them and stop letting them control you.

Take a new perspective in your attitude towards the situation. Focus on being thankful that you knew her. Appreciate her positive attributes, but also be perfectly honest about her shortcomings (it can be easy to regard her as absolutely perfect, which she isn’t). Don't focus on how you are "madly in love with her you are and how you will never get over it" because that sort of talk is self-fulfilling. As long as you keep telling yourself you won't get over her, you will be trapped.

I wish there was something magical to say that would help you, but it's not that easy. If you can’t change your attitude on your own, it may be time to talk to a counselor.

Your assumption is not based in facts, but in hurt feelings, and until you have explored other people, your assumption as to her perfection is premature.

I doubt you sustain your position, after the healing process has worked, and you have moved on, so enough of holding on to that illogical position.

A female doesn't have to be perfect to be a great partner.

I'm going to try another tack.

What you think about her doesn't matter. Even if she's in fact the most perfect partner you can ever imagine and no one else will ever measure up--ever in your whole life--your opinion is not going to change anything. You can spend your life thinking that and making yourself and every future woman unhappy thinking they aren't as good as your Jill. Or you can stop thinking that. It's totally up to you.

It's one thing to wallow in self pity for a while and realize how much you miss someone. We've nearly all been there. I sure have. And there's no reason to jump into dating when you aren't ready. But it's quite another thing to basically say that no one else in the world is good enough for you. ("She met and exceeded my ultra high criteria. I truly didn’t believe someone like her to exist.")

First of all, you are completely lacking in humility here. What makes you so sure your criteria are that high? Your arrogance is positively painful. Unless you are living on a tiny island with a population of 500, it's quite likely you'll meet lots of women who meet your "ultra high" criteria.

Second, as a friend of mine likes to ask at moments like this, How does it make you feel to think that?

We already know the answer. Awful!

The only thing that's making you feel awful are the thoughts you are having. Even if you were right that this idea was a true and accurate (a black-and-white reflection of reality) it would still be kind of dumb to dwell on it since all it does is make you feel bad. And, as it happens, you are incorrect in your evaluation. You are blinded by feelings of rejection and loss and you are trying to rationalize those emotions as based in some logical reality. They are not.

Just a quick question here.
What would happen if you met a woman that exceeds your "ultra high" criteria?

What exactly did you do wrong and why?

I think this is one of those "the mind listens, but the heart won't" kind of situations
I hope you feel better soon though :(

First off, it sounds like you (by your own account, I am not judging you) are not necessarily happy with who you are, or at least who you were during that relationship. I think you truly believe that your ex was a better person than you, and that she made you better. I call BS. I promise you a lot of those qualities you desperately want in your girlfriend, are qualities you need to work on yourself. If you desire them so much, be them. That way, you won't expect your girlfriend to be a one of a kind Superwoman who fixes everything for you and provides those qualities.

This break up is a blessing in disguise. Hopefully you can identify what made you a bad boyfriend/person, and work on that. You will get much more out of this than you ever would with being with this girl. Quite frankly, you were not ready for a quality relationship. If you are still the same person when (WHEN, not IF) the next amazing girl comes in your life, you will screw that up too. Do you want to be the "villain" forever? Maybe (and I am sorry if this is harsh, it is 100% conjecture but I am writing it in case it connects) you don't meet people with the qualities you seek because you don't have enough of the qualities you desire, in yourself. If you just wallow in your misery, you will never be able to grow, and you will never realize there is life after a break up (and this you just have to believe. Anyone who has been through a break up will tell you this, you can choose not to believe them and believe your case is different, but it isn't. They have been here. You haven't. Don't tell them you "know" you will never meet another girl, because they know more about the situation than you do, and they are telling you otherwise).

I don't know how you can write that she had flaws and that she was perfect and better than any other girl you will ever meet. The temperamental and moody thing... that right there is settling. You clearly don't consider temperamentalness (not a word but bear with me) a desirable trait, not that I know many people who do, and she clearly had that. So just from reading your own words, she is NOT perfect according to your standards, you are just having trouble admitting that because you are focusing on the good. You don't want to settle? That's fine. Then don't be with someone whose good outweighs the bad, just get rid of the bad altogether. I'm sorry, but to my outsider eyes, she doesn't sound perfect, and that is only from the very limited information you have given.

This girl was not perfect, you just accepted her for who she was so you let her temper and moody behavior slide. I would bet anything there are other girls out there who have the same main values but don't have those temper issues.

You only met a girl like her once in your life. You say that means that no one else on this Earth is anything like her, based on your daily life experiences. But the only constant in your daily life is you. Switch up your daily life, try some new things, and the type of people you will meet will be different too.

And I bet you that you will meet girls who are COMPLETELY different than your ex, but you will find that different does not necessarily mean worse. You think you know what you want. You do not know. It is VERY possible that a girl comes along with qualities completely different than the ones you look for in a girl, yet you realize that those qualities are what you wanted all along.

But you won't be ready to meet those people if you judge them according to how close they are to your “perfect” ex, because then you will see any deviations from your ex as worse rather than different (and maybe better). Don't go through life expecting something and dismissing anything that is not that something. Be open-minded, don't limit your options to one unavailable (and imperfect) ex-girlfriend.

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Originally Posted by regretfullness

I won’t find those rare qualities, that happiness, ever again.

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It's all in how you see it. You're still getting over her, so you'll think this way for a while until you snap out of it.

Thank you for your thoughtful input, everyone, keep them coming.

You’re right. She is a far better person than I. And I am not happy with the person I was during (or before) the relationship. Since the break-up (over the last two months) I’ve had a series of highly charged personal revelations about my ‘self.’ I now see that, her complaints of me were 100% accurate.

The result? My persona and world-view are now different. I’m changing. She is the catalyst for my change. It’s a lot to handle, it’s confusing, I’m still grappling with it, but I feel it. And you know it’s saddening she wanted me to change, fought hard for me to be a better person, stuck it out with me for as long as she did….and I’m pissed I was too slow in getting there. It’s quite tragic. Good of course that I’m growing as a person but terribly sad it came at this high a cost (losing her).

Yes, to me she is ‘superwoman’ (that’s not quite the word I’d use, but I understand what you mean). And yes her “perfection” fixed everything in my life.

I think you’re on to something when you said, “…wishing I had her qualities myself.” Many of her qualities are qualities I admire & wish to have in myself, but lack. Because compared to her I see myself deficient in nearly every measureable way (intelligence, compassion, emotional strength, empathy, kindness, fun, energy, humor, etc.).

Deep down maybe there’s fear I will never be as good as her….or worse, that I know I’m not as good….or that I’ll never become as great of a person as I wish for myself….or…something. You’re on to something with that point, just not sure where to take it.

Some here are asking what went wrong in the relationship, or why I mistreated her if I knew she was perfection incarnate. This is something I’m still sorting out. Admittedly, I do not truly understand. But I can speculate: Subconsciously, I may have felt as though she was too good to be true. Someone so perfect couldn’t really be real, could they? Or if she was the genuine article (and indeed she was, and I knew it then just as clearly as I know it now), then perhaps I felt I was undeserving of her--Thinking myself to be unworthy. Or that at some point, far down the line, she would realize she deserves better and leave me. And that would be very painful (I’ve an innate fear of being hurt).

I speculate if this was what was happening in my subconscious, combined with the tumultuous period my life was in at the time we were dating (tough internal/external stressors)….then perhaps my subconscious sabotaged the relationship. Thus I acted with abandon, mistreated her, acted like an imbecile, and caused the destruction of the relationship.

Earlier, when I made mention of her “tempermental-ness”…I didn’t necessarily dislike it. She is a highly passionate person and I very much enjoy her passion, whichever way it swung (and boy, could it swing). Her passion could bring absolute bliss or reign misery. Her passion showed she cared. Though I now realize I was the root-cause for much of the bad-temper; so I mostly excuse her & blame myself for the bad-temper.

Again, I call her perfect but I understand and see she has flaws (I’m not delusional). The thing is I love most of her flaws, know what I mean? She’s that rare, that special, that I don’t mind them. I understand them and the reality is the small flaws wouldn’t have presented much of a problem at all if it were not for my exacerbating them.

She is the gold-standard by which all others will be compared. Of course I expect to meet new girls with different qualities—but I don’t expect those qualities to be better than or even equal to hers.

There’s no other out there like her, I have an instinct about such things. It hurts. Sure, I can bury my feelings and force myself not to think about it. But I’m not going to lie to myself.

Life without her is a colorless existence. And I don’t know how to face it.

I think your doing great with this and I think your slowly starting to see life can go on.

If it took you losing her to make you a better person then isn't this good after all? For every bad a good will come of it. You will be a better man for this loss.

You said you have the fear you will never be as good as her or that you know your not as good as her. Your right because your not her. She is not better or worse then you or anyone. She is just different. We are all different in our own qualities. We are all better at times. We are all not good enough at times. Don't measure yourself to her standards. You are you and you are special.

Maybe she mirrored the good qualities that you can't allow yourself to acknowledge within yourself?
No human being is perfect-and that woul be boring
I think you should stop comparing yourself to anyone else and just move forward with the insights you gain into your own self.

Is it possible your in some sort of depression other then the split with her? You just seem so down on yourself from the start.

Regretfulness,
Your last post is GREAT, a good essay into your feelings. It seems like you are trying to figure things out. And have found an articulate voice.

What I see as a good outcome is if you could take your admiration for her and turn it into a kind of metamorphosis for yourself. So you can love those qualities in yourself or at least respect that you are doing your best. I get the sense that you don't feel you've done your best.

Just for the sake of argument, let's just accept that she's better than you (though you said it, not me). You still have to live with you for the rest of your life. No matter who you are with, it's always going to be you in the mirror. So what can you do with the knowledge that you are not as good a person as you'd like to be?

In your shoes, I would choose one or two goals to work on now. None of us can do everything at once. But make your goals concrete. If you'd like to be more patient or kinder think about what that translates into in the moment. What things make you not that way? Imagine someone saying something that makes you feel insecure. Instead of snapping or saying something funny but mean, what can you do instead? All I'm saying is make a plan. (Books can help.)

If you admired her education, then read some books or take some classes. Education is one of those things that's cumulative over a life time, so the sooner you start making learning a priority, the farther ahead you'll be in a short time.

But most of all stay true to who you are. The goal isn't to be someone else, but a better version of yourself.

It is totally normal to feel awful right now. But turn that sadness into a positive as much as possible. When you need to be sad, that's okay. Cry, or sit and stare out the window for a while. But then get up and give yourself some long term goals to strive for. I guarantee that in a few months you'll feel MUCH better.

Good luck!

Greenies your way asking. That was nicely written.

As long as you are stuck in the mindset that no one will compare or outshine her,you are right,no one will because your bias will not allow you to see it.

Your mindset will blind you to the other possibilities.