I dated a co-worker for about a year (I know, not the best idea, but at least he was in a different department). He broke up with me and immediately began seeing someone else at work. My woman's intuition tells me there was some overlap. They were always together, and he works on her projects, she's essentially his boss. Anyway, I didn't make any contact with him after the breakup and did my best to avoid seeing him at the office, just trying to de-attach and heal. After a month I was just starting to feel OK, when he called me to tell me that he was seeing her.

He started the conversation by asking if I was at work. I had just left. He then proceeded to tell me that he really valued my friendship and hoped that we could be friends. I said, " you called me to tell me this?" And he said "No there's something else, I wanted you to hear it from me before you heard it from anyone else, you've suspected it, and there is something going on between me and whatshername." I was floored, called him a nasty name, and told him to never speak to me again. He texted me, said he was really, really sorry, and that he didn't expect me to ever forgive him.

After the call, they made no effort to conceal their relationship and of course it's the topic of all the office gossip. It's been almost 3 months since that phone call, and I'm still having a really difficult time seeing both of them at work. It's a constant reminder of being deceived, lied to, and cheated on.

I spoke to a friend of his who wished for me to find peace with my ex. What does that mean? I have a feeling that at some point my ex will want to be friends, although he has not made any attempt to contact me, except for waving when we drive past each other in the parking lot. I have remained friends with most of my exes, but I have no desire to extend my friendship to someone who did not treat me as a friend. I feel like had the circumstances been different that friendship may have been a possibility, but given the level of insensitivity on his part, why would I want to be friends with that?

I have done my best to rise above it, but any thoughts on how to cope and move on would be appreciated. I am looking for another job, but at the same time I'm trying to make sure that I am not running away. How do I deal with this?

First, and foremost, realize that's the hazards of having a relationship with a co-worker. If things don't work, then you have to still see them at work. That can be miserable, for sure.

Its also unwise to try backing up, and being friends after the relationship ends, that's tough, and slows the healing down to a crawl.

In my eyes, he has not gone out his way to be deceitful, or disrespectful, you just can't stand to see him having moved on.

I think you leave him alone, and try to get your own happiness. And balance back in your life. By having friends family. And activities. Outside of work, that you enjoy, to help you move on.

It may take a while, but stick to it, and be patient, as you slowly have other things to make you happy to look forward to.

At work, avoid them the best you can.

I understand I took that risk getting involved with a co-worker, and I need to accept the consequences of making my work life difficult. It's true it is really difficult to see him moved on, especially so soon. Obviously, he left the relationship (at least emotionally) earlier that I did.

I do however feel deceived and disrespected. They were obviously starting something when he was still with me. I found out that others in the office knew about it, and that he was told by someone else that he should be the one to tell me, because someone else was going to.

What makes it more difficult was that after the breakup I did a lot of soul searching, went to a therapist to look at my part, and I owned up to my with him. We ended up sleeping together. I know it happens. I thought maybe there was a chance for reconciliation, and that wasn't an option for him. He said he hoped this (having sex) didn't complicate things for me. Well it did, especially because I found out later he was already pursuing her.

You are in an awkward position. There was obvioulsy something going on with this guy and another woman, and others knew about it in the office. They also knew you didn't know, so that eliminates people that you thought were your friends. Knowing what they did, and seeing you be strung along, to me at least, makes the whole bunch of them less than stellar people.

I think that the sooner you go and work somewhere else the better. In the meanwhile, all you can do is focus on your work, minimize all contact, don't give anybody in there reason to keep nattering. Learn to enjoy your own company, and deflect comments. Realize that in the larger scope of things, what you face is only temporary, and it will pass when the next round of office gossip starts.

He sounds like the type of person who wouldn't turn down any opportunity if you get my drift.

I hope you get out of there soon.

So he was,at least emotionally cheating on you before the breakup. I think it's time to realise that you're well rid of him.
And if he makes a habit of dating his coworkers sooner or later that's going to bounce right back at him.

Thanks for the advice. It has affected the whole office environment. In the court of public opinion, people are definitely not impressed by their behaviour and a couple have told me how inappropriate their actions were (they started fooling around at the office after hours when others were around, and she broke up with her live-in BF too around the same time we broke up). It feels like high school and not a professional environment anymore. To be honest, work hasn't been satisfying for a while. This was just the cherry on top. I'm looking...

Looking for a new job with less drama-good idea I think.
And keep minimum contact with both of them.

Yeah, I thought I could stick it out and wait for the karma to kick in, but it's not worth it. I feel like a disposable object, like I was narcissized.

It always hurts when we realize we handed over our hearts to the emotionally incompetent,but with time I think you'll come to see that you're the winner here.

That helps, emotionally incompetent is right. I have to keep remembering that, especially when I see them. They are emotionally incompetent and they deserve each other. So true!

Nobody said that you have to be friends. This guy is a cheater. Why would you want to be his friend?

No, you let him screw his way to the middle.

Despise him if you want to.

Don't let this issue make you quit a good job though. If this job is one that you enjoy doing, and you have good pay and benefits, stay. Hang in there long enough to get over this "bump".

You are the better person. He is not someone who is worthy of the pain.

Everyone there knows what he did to you. I think that you found out who your friends are, and aren't.

Ignore him at all costs. Look the other way when he is around. Let the guilt eat at him.

Make a list of his bad habits, faults, and behaviors. Keep this list handy, and pull it out whenever you need to.

A nice guy is just around the corner. The world is full of them.

I wish you the best.

Thank you. You're right he isn't worth it. I guess this has struck a core issue for me. I am working on it with a therapist. I know deep down he isn't the real problem. I just hate that I brought my personal life to work for everyone to see. It's humiliating. Right now, I'm just trying to sort out if it really is the job I don't like or am I running away. I do have friends there that I would miss, but the overall environment is not very hospitable.

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Hey, I guess I could just use some support. I posted a while back about my ex boyfriend whom I work with who cheated on my with another girl from work. They are still together, its been 4 months. I took stress leave from work a couple months ago. This was just the cherry on top, there were other factors. Anyway, I may have to go back soon unless I can find another job and am dreading it. I have good days and bad days, I thought I would be over this by now. We went our for 9 months.

I can't believe that I still get sad, given that this jerk cheated on me. The fact is that I know I deserve better, and it really bums me out that I was treated this way. I feel like a disposable object. Not even an afterthought and it hurts. On top of that his girlfriend moved into my neighborhood 2 blocks away from me. I'm dreading seeing them around. I feel very territorial as I have lived in this neighborhood for 20 years, and they are essentially transplants. How do I get over this?!

Your healing cannot begin until you separate yourself from him and his life. Seeing him is like a slap in the face, and especially to see him happy makes you feel worse, right? If a job change cannot happen, do what I do, look through him and her. I am at social events now and my ex and his new fiancée are there, and I just act like they are not there, pay them no mind, and eventually it stopped bothering me. I was engaged to be married, and lived with my ex for ten years. Although nine months is not that long of a time, love can develop rather quickly. I am however, envious of you, for knowing that you deserve better and have your whole life ahead of you and don't waste another second thinking about your ex, his new girl, his life. Just try to focus on you. I had to go to therapy when I was dumped, losing my ex was horrible, or so I thought. My therapist said go home and write a list of pros and cons of your ex, and bring it in to me the next time. Do you know I had a list of like twenty things on the con list and not one thing on the Pro list. I wondered why I wasted so much time on someone that I neither trusted, respected, etc... But writing down your feelings and maybe speaking to a close friend or therapist could help you at this time. Good luck!

I am seeing a therapist and it is helping. I guess it helped me to realize that I do deserve better. I have the pros and cons list, guess I will just have to look at it more often. It's the loss of the dream that sucks, and the fact that I gave my heart to someone who wasn't equipped to deal with it.

I know, it is not easy. Especially with the holidays here, it makes you really miss your ex. Keep your head up.

First, let yourself mourn what you perceive as your loss. Crying is a good release for the confusing mix of pain and anger that you might be feeling at the moment. Do you have a friend who would be willing to listen to you unload your emotional pain?

Don't let this horrible relationship scar you for life. Move on. Start loving yourself again. Go out with friends, or spend more time with your family.

REMEMBER - after the storm comes the sun. It’s time to get out of your cave. The relationship is over, so look in the mirror and tell yourself that everything will be okay from now on.

Go back to work. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. You didn't do anything wrong. He's the one that lied and cheated. He's the one that should be hanging his head in shame!

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If you can't save the relationship, at least save your pride.

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them.

Your grief is understandable, and I agree that venting those feelings is a good idea. Whether it be a strenuous work out, building some intense anger, or a good honest cry on the shoulder of a trusted friend, it does help to get those feelings out where they can be dealt with, and walked away from.

Keep your head up!

My therapist said that I am doing a good job because at least I am healing and haven't been driven to drinking or drugs.

I have gone "no contact" for over 3 months. Had to see him at work for the first month, and had no contact then too, with the exception of a dirty look given to each of them. Then I figured I'd smile at them and she just scowled at me. He waved to me though as he drove by once, I laughed.

What's hard is hearing about how "serious" their relationship is from mutual friends. I've had to go no contact with his roommate, who was originally a friend of mine. The work friends, I can definitely tell who's on what side. Some of their friends have no respect for them anymore, but they have sure done a good job in cultivating certain friends who seem very OK with it. It's a disgusting situation.

I think the fact that it's the holidays isn't helping...

I hope you have plans for the holidays with friends and family. Don't let this situation run your life,remember what I said before-he is an emotional incompetent and you are well rid of him.
I wish you a peaceful holiday season.

I hope that you will take this to heart.

All of these emotions, whether they hurt or not, makes us who we are. One day in the not so distant future, you will look back on this and think that it was ridiculous for you to waste your time and feelings for someone so selfish. But it is all part of the healing process.

You will meet someone who you are meant to be with, and then you will be happy. Just hang on until then.

I wish you the best of luck.

Happy Holidays!

One thing I notice a lot is after a break up, you begin to find out who your true friends really are.

Stay focused on your work and it doesn't hurt to start looking for other jobs, especially if you get a better offer somewhere else. If you can't find anything, at least you're still making progress in the healing process, so it's a win-win.

Sounds like you're doing much better, keep it up!

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I don't know what to say about the situation. He was a jerk, I realize that because he left me for someone else. I just don't understand why I'm still bothered by it. It's been 8 months of no contact. I just want to stop thinking about it. Any thoughts?

So what is going on in your life, that makes him bubble up to the surface again?? Something has triggered those feelings, so what is it? Did you break No Contact??

Are you keeping busy and having an active social life?

Distract your thoughts when he pops up in your mind.

Maybe look at this another way.

You have been saved! Because of the real person he is, he managed to see someone else, in the same place you worked, and carry on a relationship with her, testing to the waters to see if it would work, and then let you go, when he thought it would work with her. He has subjected himself to showing his true colours, and the gossip is happening because of that. Who can take a man like that seriously with any respect whatsoever, not to mention his boss, party B, who has the scruples of a gutter snake.

Can you imagine that he really is the type of man who would have an affair if it suited him. What if the relationship had gone on for five or ten years, and you had a couple of children together, a mortgage 2 car payments, and bills up the wazoo.

He is a serial liar. To you, and the 'other' woman, and God only knows how many before the two of you. He didn't lie just once, innocently and say, "Oh gee, sorry, I forgot to tell you that my mother (who is blind, and in a wheelchair with a flat tire) will be visiting tomorrow for three weeks.

He kept up this mask he wears, which belies the person behind it.

That he found the gutter snake to be equally appealing, despite obvious lack of morals and scruples, further adds to his dented and twisted sense of loyalty, honesty, and respect that he was so arrogant as to think everybody bought it.

Think seriously about the type of person he is. What he really did was inadvertently give you a gift- your freedom! He came right out and said what type of person he was (and is) and allowed you to run to the nearest exit. He not only said what type of person he was, he showed you- full frontal baby!!

I would hope that I would have the courage to see him for what he is, although I totally understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal. I would love to see you look at him through practical eyes, and realize, that you are the winner here.

Can you ask to move to a different shift? If you can, that may help without you having to quit your job.

Relationships at work are tough, especially when everything hits the fan. If I were you, I'd just ask to move to a different time schedule... Or maybe a different dpt completely. Prove to yourself that this guy isn't going to wreck you. It seems like he's not even bothering you, which is a good thing. Just let him live his life, and you live yours.

Break ups are never easy, especially when you see the other person moving on and being happy. But you can too! You just need to put the past behind you. Realize what happened, and move on. You'll be happier in the end. :)

Thanks for your replies. I realize that he was a snake and that I am well rid of him. You're right fortunately we did not spend too much time together, so I'm grateful for that. I guess what's really bothering me is that I feel like I haven't quite gotten "myself" back. I do want a relationship, and I understand that can only happen when I get happy and comfortable with myself again. Not that I'm miserable, I've come a long way. I learned through this process that I have a lot to be grateful for. I have some awesome friends, a new job... It's not him that I miss, or the relationship with him, I miss who I was before this happened. I just feel like I lost a little bit of confidence from this whole process, and I want it back!

Keep working on rebuilding your selfconfidence,and get to know new people.

You'll get there!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rainlover

Thanks for your replies. I realize that he was a snake and that I am well rid of him. You're right fortunately we did not spend too much time together, so I'm grateful for that. I guess what's really bothering me is that I feel like I haven't quite gotten "myself" back. I do want a relationship, and I understand that can only happen when I get happy and comfortable with myself again. Not that I'm miserable, I've come a long way. I learned through this process that I have alot to be grateful for. I have some awesome friends, a new job...It's not him that I miss, or the relationship with him, I miss who I was before this happened. I just feel like I lost a little bit of confidence from this whole process, and I want it back!

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That's a really good point about that feeling of 'losing yourself' in the relationship. That happens sometimes when you give too much of yourself, and expect too little in return from your partner. Eventually, it's the lifestyle, and when the union comes to an end, it is a struggle to get your footing back.

It's the same when you have babies. All of a sudden you realize you haven't had an adult conversation in so long you can't remember. Your entire focus is on the baby, and before you know it, you realize you haven't seen your girlfriends in a couple of months, your hair is a mess, and you know all the words to every lullabye ever written!

It's hard to push yourself out that door when your lifestyle changes for whatever reason. Anyone who has ever lost a job feels the same way. A good chunk of the social life is wrapped around the people at work.

Time goes by so fast that you realize you haven't thought of yourself in a very long time.

Think of it as an opportunity to re-define who you are, what you want out of this life, and a means to do things that you've put off, like a vacation, buying a bike, getting a dog, whatever it happens to be.

It will take time, but that you have already recognized that loss, you can start rebuilding it again.

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So it's been a long time, almost a year since the break up and I saw my ex's new girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with) walking down my street. I was caught off guard and so was she. We exchanged looks then she looked straight ahead and smiled, I laughed. I knew I'd run into one or both of them at some point, but really? In front of my house? Is this a hostile act on her part? How do I handle this?

You already handled it.

Keep living your life and let them be.

Its done, just let it go.