Threads merged.

Hey I know I am an so lets get that out of the way now. My best bud had a girl yrs ago cheated on her, skip some yrs, they got back ,skip some more yrs, then she split with him, grew apart. I had no part of this at all. I told her to give him a chance but she was done it was a bad break up. She fell for me?? I don't know why never had eyes for her nor did I think she did me either. Well I f)#&#d up and went with her.Of course it was bad I lost my friends ,as I should but wasn't in the right mind at the time. All was good till last week, I think we are done. I feel like a total . I have lost so much ,karma is a . Lots of stuff to add about the relationship till last week but I can't type that much. Wasn't bad, just got into a rut, I am a single dad /kids . I fell for her bad and hate that another relationship is done. It should haven't have been I know ,but who really knows if it should have been. I don't know if she wants to quite says she loves me doesn't want marriage,or live in ,nor do I. Maybe an beat would help.

You did the wrong thing getting involved with your friends ex. That never works out - there are always hard feelings and break-ups. Give her up and find a lady that has no prior links to anyone you know - you'll be much happier.

I haven't heard from her asto if she wants to try, but yep I did wrong. That has been in the back of my mind for a long time. I ask for no pity ,nor is it deserved. And as for anyone I know, well isn't none left.The small circle of friends died when I lost my mind. All but 1.

Some insite to why I did what I did. I felt at the time he got a second chance with her and he blew it. I never judged him when he did it but I was judged by all. Pissed me off at the time but I guess they were right. I am not a bad guy,I know right. Stuipd yes but bad. I did learn. Bros before hoes to be sure, just wish I would have listened.

It maybe to late to change what's done, but not to late to let go, and put this behind you. She is gone so rebuild your life, and don't let her stop you.

What's done is done, you still have the future.

Your friends may no longer be there for you but you're there for you, or you should be.

It's time to get your life back on track. You will find someone, just stay out of your friend's little black book and you should be fine. ;)

Hi All , an update to were it is at. We had a long talk, was by phone and she is willing to give it the old collage try .She asked what I didn't like with her, said would like more/better comm. Told her how I thought and the things I have said that caused her doubt and that put the "what if" thoughts in her head. Explained to her my willingness to change and have started to do so, even if she didn't want to try. I say her tonight,tried to go to her house for alone time , she felt bad at work today ,went home early and said she wanted to get out of the house so she came to mine. Confused me a bit since she said one thing was alone time? I had a house full of kids tonight. I kept the kids away and we "hid" in my room. Had a nice evening, asked her if we needed to talk more and she was OK for now, Some little things she did before are missing still, but she said she forgave me for what I was doing. She did notice changes I am making. Man my head is flipped out. I have never been given a 2nd chance and do not want to mess it up. I just woke up I remembered something I said that may have started this. I don't want to push her by talking and seem needy/desperate but feel she needs to know. I am giving her space, letting her call me and not making 1st contact. I did get a card and she liked it.I just can't if she says she loves me, and from her letter she said that but didn't know what to do, think that was a what if I was with someone or?? We are not kids,I'm 47,she is 44,both did the marriage thing and she is done with that. I know there if a lot of info missing and will fill in if you want. There wasn't any problem we like a lot of things, the rut thing and ,I think too much time together did it, she did say she felt like we were married. I love this woman a lot, I am tired of messing up relationships . I am a auto tech, I fix things why can't I fix my relationships?? Is the biggest thought in my head, and why doesn't people try more? NO body stays and try to work out problems anymore. Wonder why divorce is so high. She isn't my 1st GF after my divorce, I did a lot of work on myself after that bomb went off. The problems to me are not that bad if we try it can work. I need some insight as to how to show her I am can be again the guy she fell for in the 1st place.She has said I make her laugh, I still can. I am working on more stuff I know I need to fix, I got lazy and backslide on a few things. Sorry its so long, it 430 and snowing like crazy. I hate snow.LOL Thanks.

If this is going to work you both need to start communicating honestly about who you are and what you want and need.
Is that happening here?
Some people do manage to sort out their problems,it takes hard work and dedication from both people.
Good luck.
Ps I like snow! :-)

We are talking,I need to say more things to her but don't want to seam to be a wuss.I also don't know if this a "get through the hollidays" thing.Why is my head so full of this crap.Why can't I just take what I got and run with it. I guess that's the work I need to do. I am letting her make the contact, not calling her 1st.

Ok just go with that and yes keep working on yourself.
I hope it goes well for you.

When you do talk to her again, remain calm, cool and collective. Don't get overly emotional and ramble on about things. That will be a major turn-off to her. Just take things one step at a time and don't force things too quickily. If you push yourself on her too fast, she will pull further away. And don't try to solve everything in the first conversation. Have several light conversations over a period. After she contacts you the first time, do not be in a rush to call her back immediately, unless she asks you to. You need to give her a day or so between conversations to give her time to think and feel unrushed and more relaxed to talk with you some more.
By the way, I love the snow. Going snowboarding as soon as it stops.

Thanks I am keeping busy now with house work,kids . I am letting her call me, but I want to say hi to her. She is busy today and I am so F*#@^^$(D in the head and want to rush things I am a need to know guy. Us auto guys are like that,LOL. I didn't have this problem when my last live in girlfriend went away,I knew it was done and felt she was into someone else,trust issue. Went a yr/2 before I got with her. I have know her most of my life, but we never had Any ideas of getting together. I was a wild guy in my youth,drinking and partying a lot she doesn't . Light wine drinker. I ain't that way now been clean over 10yrs. Man this is testing me.LOL.I know we maybe shouldn't have gotten together but we did, karma coming back? I am calm when I talk to her and giving her some room to breath. I would be cool with the way it was in the beginning, not a problem but now the idea of her finding someone else is killing me. Any way to keep my thoughts on me and not her would be cool. The biggest thing that is this 2nd chance is to get past the holidays. Would be nice to know . Crystal ball anyone?

My crystal call broke-sorry.
All I can suggest is keep super busy,do stuff with the kids,and hang in there.

No crystal balls here, your just going to have to take it day by day and see what happens. You really need to keep calm and stop thinking about it so much or your going to end up getting frustrated with her.
By the way, if you do curse, it might not be a good idea to use those words when you talk to her.

I do try to use the info I get here and other places. Just hard I guess. Thanks!!

If you try too hard, or not hard enough, you are sort of in a position of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. Not an easy position to be in.

What does she expect from a relationship with you, and what do you expect from her.

While you can't let her call all the shots, she should at least be willing to give you some idea of where she's heading with you, so you know where you stand.

If she wants to go slow, ask her what she means by that. If she says she wants her space, ask her what she means by that too. You're in the position if you call her, she may consider that to you being pushy. You can't be walking along on eggshells here trying to anticipate her thoughts, nor can you read her mind.

Be careful that she may only want what she wants, and considers you a means to an end. Your needs have to be figured here as well. Relationships that work, are partnerships, with good communication. She can't hold all the cards, it is just too one sided.

Stay warm.

Thanks Jake, I guess it is harder for me right now cause a lot of crap hit me this week. I am a fixer kind of guy, stuff breaks I fix. Craps doesn't get to me . The things I can't change got to me and has me weaken in the head . I work for Saab and they just died,thanks GM, this problem came to head, stress from hell has gotten to me. I know I got to let go and stop thinking some much, but its hard when it seams everything is taking a crap at once. Even my comptr went nuts today.LOL The stress in the job, imcome is down 40% in the last 1.5 yrs. I am on top but just a hair. I got 3 kids, worry if ,job goes, x might/could take them, that worries me a lot.Its no wonder she isn't looking at me in a good light. I let all the crap get to me,this past yr and it shows. I called her last night to say goodnite ,she didn't say the 3 words, made me freak. I know I can't make her stay,must keep my head, but am running low on super powers right now. Iwill ask her her game plan, that would help a lot. The nagging feeling that this is a hold over till Jan won't go away. I hate the way I am feeling right now, not staying true to what is most important. I hate living in the Gray, I am a black and white guy . That doesn't help LOL. Need a kick in the butt to get my head out of it so I can think straight. I have been busy but that last just so long before my brain slips and mr. emotion kicks in. LOLThis place helps. Thanks all.

On a practical note,is there anything you can do to improve your worksituation?

It helps to get it out, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense to you at the time.

I know exactly what you mean about the thoughts. I haven't been to bed yet and it's already 7 a.m. Too much on my mind, and it always seems worse when you're tired or stressed out.

You have a lot on your plate right now, but it is what it is. If she doesn't accept you the way things are, so be it. You can't turn an apple into a pineapple.

One problem at a time, one solution at a time.

Try not to come off as needy and clingy, but rather cool calm and collected, like you have it all together, and are rolling with the punches. (I can't do that but maybe you can!)

What I'm trying to say is that you can't sweep your life under the carpet to impress anybody.

Just take it slow, and you'll be okay.

Job, I think will be OK for a time,boss says not to worry, right,LOL. My plate looks like a big persons plate at an all you can eat.LOL. Reading too much into her is my problem, I can't read minds.I am keeping the needy stuff at bay, but how to talk and not seam so. How much time to give? I asked her if she want to talk the last time we were together, was a nice night, gave her a massage,she likes massages, was OK. She didn't have anything to add so I didn't push it. I have noticed less passion, but? Could be nothing. I am prepared for the bomb, if it happens, just never had 2nd chance/work on it thing and am worried about messing up, told her that too. She didn't give the last 2 guys the chance,? Who knows. On a side note I like the chance to share with people from other countries, get a different outlook from the way people think here.

So your job's OK for the time being,that's good. You know what I can't read people's minds either,most times we have to play it by ear. Honest communication and a willingness to work together to find a solution to problems is a must in any relationship that much I know.

All, I am going to let her have any time she needs if she wants to talk then she must call me. 0yrs ago I went through this same thing with my now x wife. She dropped the bomb a week after my birthday. Just a We're done and you can't fix it. I feel almost the same now but not as bad. She said today she missed me but I haven't herd from her since @9am. Went over to dig her out ,big snow here. Told her I am giving her time and that I want us back to how we were when we got together,the lifestyle we had. She said she couldn't remember how we were. I guess she is so disappionted in me its over. I don't want to go NC 100% I feel if she wants to talk it can't hurt,even if to make the breakup 100%. I really need a time table but that is unrealistic. She was with me just a couple of weeks after the breakup of my now xbest friend, we have know each other over 20yrs. Boy did my house got acleaning this weekend.LOL got a lot done that had been put off,lazy by me. Things are achanging.Told my kids not to look for her tobe around as much, will wait to tell them its over when I hear it from her. I would like to share some of the relationship help I have found but that would be soooo crazy I wouldn't do it. Can't force love. If she wasn't such a good fit form me I wouldn't care we didn't fight at all, got along great. Just the stress of this past yr has worn on me and I let it somehow get in the way, she feels I isn't worth it any more. Sucks, you can't be perfect for the other 100% of the time and if you slip its over. Back to work in the am and a new out look on this mess. Doug.

Doug,just don't hang around in limbo too long. Sooner rather than later some decisions are going to have to be made. You're handing over your power to her,you have rights too and I would go NC if I were you. There is too much confusion and too much stress,and you don't need that.

Nope I don't and I am changing my outlook on things. I have learned over the years that if you push they will hate you. I was a super wuss when my marriage failed and am NOT going down that road again. She called and we chated, small talk nothing about the US thing, senced she wanted to know what I was feeling we talked about the days things we did. She was in a lazy way today, unlike her. She is a doer. I was busy all day.Was a few bits of sillence,? I will let her ask me what next. I think by this weekend, I will know if she is playing me till Jan or wants to work on it. She,I think doesn't know how to comm at the level we need. I am a talker,a Libra, if you go that way. Talk too much and want to balance things and to work stuff out if it will. LOL. I have put it in my head this evening to be OK with this if it does go bust. I can't stay in limbo, and won't. Ball is in her court,if she does want it she must ask. I have done the Why does this happen all weekend and am done. Hand hurts from beating myself up.LOL. Thanks and have a good week. Doug.

I think you are putting it together, thinking things through, not obsessing about it, not going to put up with it too long. I don't think, personally, that NC is the way to go, until you are certain within yourself, that you've covered all your bases, and you're comfortable with the idea.

Keep up the good work!

Hey Doug stop beating yourself up. The ball is in her court I think you've done your bit and had your say.
There's very little balance here my fellow Libra and not a lot of fairness either.
Have the best possible week.

An update of sorts, We saw each other the other night for a little bit ,I had to check out her car ,it is broke. She came to me,kiss,hug,and was glad to see me. I did well not to show how crushed I am for this mess, time off is good. Gets your mind right. We talked a bit planned the weekend. Got tickets to the ballet,something wanted to do,hasn't. Went well, parted real nice. Man I miss her. Look everybody, you must keep the lines of comm OPEN at all cost, without it and added time your love will fail. I feel real lucky to have this chance to rebuild, others didn't get the shot. It will be my 1st time at fixing what I let go, wish me luck. I am realilistic about this and know things can go wrong at any time. I feel she is being honest with me and not just getting past the holidays. I have given her any time and not rushed her but will want to have a heart to heart when we are together this weekend. I wish I could tell every detail,not really needed. Just a story about how if you let life get in the way and forget what to do you will loose your love. Keepping a stiff upper lip, Doug.

Here's wishing you luck Doug.
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all.

Well I hope everybody had a, good/got through alrite, holiday.Mine went very well to my surprise. I don't know why I had so much dread, fear of the unknown I guess. We talked a bit, not wanting to force it too much. Things were sorted and wants expressed. I don't know why I can't be myself right now, am on top of things most of the time but this love thing has got me .I guess I am thinking too much "what if" crap and not taking what I am given and letting go. Am giving her a lot more time to herself as she needs, she says we are OK. We gave and got nice stuff, not big $$ but nice. I feel for those on here and have been there many times in the past. This being the 1st time at repairing a rip, is very hard, you just don't want to mess up the chance. Have changed myself for the better, set goals and am on tract. Seams it's the best way to keep my mind right. LOL. Sure am getting a lot of things fixed around the house now.LOL . Be well all. Doug.

Keeping busy is always good!Setting goals is great.
You take care and keep updating.

Well its been a couple of months now since the wakeup call, and things are going good. We talk more and openly,not as much as I would like but enough for now. If we did I would make a mess anyway.LOL. Anyhow, I still have the doubts thing going on though I have no reason to have these feelings. I do see small "signs" that things aren't as they were,i.e. less hand holding and some closeness. But we kiss more, and things. I guess my head is still waiting for the ball to drop or some dumbass thing on that line. I now after seeing her in a different light,I have falling so deep into her it is making me crazy. I need some way of stopping my brain from thinking crazy thoughts. I know I need to relax abit and let it grow but my "need to know" is doing it. I haven't found a way to stop these thoughts. She has told me things are OK loves me and seams happy.? I am a nut I guess. Love will make you nuts. I don't mant to mess this up and know if I go over board it will. I need some input all. Thanks.

Please keep all updates on the same thread as the original. Its hard for people to give you advice when you just write something like what you wrote her out of no where without knowing the whole situation.

Sometimes it is best not to think too much but at the same time follow your heart. Sounds like you need to sit down with her and talk about all your feelings and see if you guys can come to a mutual understanding.

She says the same, stopping thinking so much, which is what I am trying. Just got to get the idea that the house is made of cards instead of bricks that it really is made of. Thanks. It helps to bounce this stuff off others.!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valkman98

She says the same, stopping thinking so much, which is what I am trying. Just got to get the idea that the house is made of cards instead of bricks that it realy is made of. Thanks. It helps to bounce this stuff off others.!!

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Lol I tend to over think things too but its all in your head. At the same time I don't ignore those thoughts so perhaps you need to find a way to come to a compromise with your thoughts.

Doug,don't let your own insecurities play games with you-enjoy being happy,and moving forward.
As you are.

Thanks all, woke up today with a new outlook opn things. I do value this site for the great insite you all give. Does help.

Good!
Keep posting-have a continuously insightful day. :-)

Hi All, been awhile. Just an update of sorts. Thing are great now, she has her free time and we are All Good, her words. My problem is I have doubts. I know its all in my head and is all me. She is a great person, I love her to death and she says it to me too. So.. why am I worring?She gives me no reason to doubt her, this is killing me. I don't want her to think I don't trust her,I do but my head and heart are out of synic. Give me some of that great voodoo that you guys do. Please. Happy Fathers Day to all the dads.Thanks.