This is the second day of my break up, yes for the time being I have stopped crying but I keep asking why? And like most people over analysing!
I have been going out with my boyfriend for eleven months, everything seemed fine! We had went through the normailitys of meeting friends and parents but there was no pressurem
I'm 24 and he was 28 I just finished uni and got a job, and a new flat. I was just starting. He was working in a call centre and was applying to fire brigade/ police/ and evern considered RAF.
He was also a traveler and new before he met me he wanted to travel. At first I was reluctant however having had a year in the real world travelling sounded like
A great idea! We talked about traveling america after saving and seemed happy both relaxed and enjoy each others company. I am not looking to be married or moving in and it was not mentionedm

Then suddenly Sunday he does not want to be with me! As I understand he had went to his friends to watch his wedding videao( his friends are all married , living with a partner or have kids) then
Suddenly after this visit things between us were too serious and he left under pressure. After a indepth conversation when I asked about how I was pressuring him he could not come up with an answer.
Instead he started crying, he says he feels like a failure and it bringing me down, that he can't help with my friend who is dying with cancer and that I deserve better!
I have told him that he makes all this better althogu he can't take the pain away he makes it better!

He says he feels the relationship should be going somewhere but he has nothing to offer. I know he is down about his job and miserable that he is 28 without a decent job, but that's not how I saw things and feel
If he is so sad why makes things worse by splitting up?

But he won't budge he says his head is all over the place and he nneds time to fester alone, he says he needs a new start go travelling uni or collage and he needs to be alone to do this. He has told me that if he
Didn't feel so rubbish we would still be together. We spoke about a break but he thought that was unfair.
I am now just lost I don't want this to happen however I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do.

The reason I am posting this is I need some outside perspective. Do you think he will come roung after a few months or am I living in a fantisy world?
And why lose something due to a bad feeling? Is this an example of male pride or does he just not want me? GOD questions questions! Please help! I want to appologise from grammar and spelling its hard writing this on a phone rather than computer!

You know him, is this really it, or could there be someone new ?

But a real relationship if there was one to start with, has to have communication, and part of that is, learning that the other partner is there for you no matter what.

Did he perhaps have other plans when you graduated, of the two of you living together perhaps,

Benson,it looks like your boyfriend is balking under pressure.From what you said,he has loads on his plate and if you go by many of the posts on this forum,a lot of relationships have had to go through unhappy endings due to these kind of pressures.

Maybe it would be a good idea to just let him be at the moment.After all,if someone has gotten it into his head that he's loaded and his head is all over the place,then convincing him otherwise seldom works.He's in a different zone right now where he isn't capable of thinking of you or the relationship,let alone give you any peace or joy or love.If you want to drag your heels and carry on,you won't find much to get out of the relationship.He's already been upfront about that part.So you can't say he didn't tell you.If he's willing to let go off the special bond that you share,its only because he has a good reason.You may not find it acceptable but that's just the way it is.

Back off,let him be.Let him figure out stuff on his own and understand what he wants.In the meantime,you just think of it as an episode you enjoyed while it lasted but nothing more than that because it takes two to make a relationship work.Lead your own life,get busy in activities and Don't WAIT FOR HIM.Move on.

Thanks for getting back to me. I know he is not seeing anyone else I don't know why I just know that's not it!
I know what your saying and I know your right about leaving him be and no one want someone who does not give 100% I'm just really struggling with it all the now
I keep asking if its me? Am I not ebough which I know is not healthy. He text me there asking if I wanted concert tickets he bought me I said for him to keep them and he said he can't go he will get too upset.
I just think why do this then? Over analysing I know but its driving me mad!

The shock that comes with a break up brings to the surface all the insecurites we thought we didn't have.

Someone we loved and trusted and made plans with has thrown a spanner in the works,left us reeling and they then have all this guilt for the hurt they caused,making them ring and make contact,confusing us more.

In my own experience of breaking up with someone, it was never a spur of the moment thing,but something I considered for a while,one small row later,and its over.

This may have been something that was on his mind for a while.

As staryynights mentioned,his head is all over the place at the moment,and really there is nothing you can do about it..

Allow yourself time to play the sad songs and cry and be miserable, then,pick yourself up and get on with your life, he is making his own plans now without you, you need to do the same.

If he does contact how do you know if he genuinly wants to get back? I know I have to move on but what if thibgs change? How do I know he means it?

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Originally Posted by benson1

If he does contact how do you know if he genuinly wants to get back? I know I have to move on but what if thibgs change? How do I know he means it?

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Because he will say.. I love you,I made a terrible mistake, I got scared about the commitment and ran away,forgive me... or words to that effect,anything else is just a smoke screen for his guilt.

So I should just leave him be and not contact him until he contacts me?I know this sounds silly but when someone asks for their stuff back or offers your back does that mean it's a clear sign there is no chnace? Cause that's not happened yet or am I just clinging!
I feel he is doint the wrong thing cause he talking about traveling and uni because "he is running out of ideas" not because its something he wants that's the hard thing about all this!

Sometimes the stuff does not matter,only getting out of the situation.

Don't contact him.

The thing is,as much as you feel you know him,no one can truly know why people do the things they do,it's a lifetime of experiences,education,nature,nurture that help bring about the choices and decisions we make.

You can't know what he's thinking,as far as he is concerned, he is probbaly doing the right thing for him.. who knows?

He may come back,but for now,you need to focus on you.

And no contact is a good starting point.

Ok thanks so much for the advice I know what your saying is right and I can't contact him cause it will just
Make it worse I need to give him his space. I just want to feel better now I don't
Want to feel so sad anymore which is so hard!

Try not too sink into the misery,even though there's comfort in wallowing..

Call some friends,or go home for a while,being around family,even if they drive you nuts,can be a welcome distraction.

Get busy,exercise so your tried at night.

You may feel bad now, but we all do after a break up. Don't take it personally, he is confused about himself, and not ready for the adult relationship you are, and is finding himself. Let him, and leave him alone.

You tried, but had the wrong partner, at the wrong time, is all. All break ups suck, but they open the door to better options and opportunities.

Ok so the ex just txt me he says he is taking his relationship status down on fb but he misses me, then he was going on about staying in contact!but on my terms (when 3 days ago he told me to leave him alone) His head is all over the place. He told me he feels like he is having a mid life crisis and can't shift it. I told him he is confused and when he straighten's things out to contact me and that I think we both need space to sort things out. He said he thought that's fair. Do you think that was the right thing to do? Why txt me to say he is changing fb why not just do it?is it guilt or is he missing me?

Basically your letting a confused individual confuse you. When people act wacky, it makes you wacky, so don't leave the door open for his confusion, simply close it and keep it closed until he makes rational sense.

That's what cutting contact, and being unavailable do for you.

I told him he is confused and when he straighten's things out to contact me and that I think we both need space to sort things out.

Great job there Benson... you did the right thing.Dont have any second thoughts about whether you did the right thing and go and undo it.Its always right to put across your own thoughts and opinions in a relationship.Shows that you are capable of taking mature decisions even if the other person is trying to confuse the living daylights out of you.

Now begins your real challenge of sticking to your mature step,i.e of backing off and going NC.Thats very important considering that your ex is quite clearly going to keep reaching out to you and confuse you even more.So,stick to your guns and behave like a horse:D--i.e see only the road ahead of you and nothing else that distracts you.

You can do this.We will help.

Thanks guys your advice has been great every time I feel the need to contact him I just read it!
I am starting to feel a little lonely but I know that will take a wee bit longer to pass and I need to stick to nc.
Just wish he would sort himself out now! Abd see sense! Why is he reaching it out? Does he just want it both ways? To see me but not to feel attached?

Why is he reaching it out? Does he just want it both ways? To see me but not to feel attached?

Don't even go there,questioning yourself as to what's happening inside his mind and all that.Thats dangerous because it just takes you around in circles,without giving you any answer.Just know that you tried and gave it your best shot but if the other person just isn't there,all the way,there's no point in being together,is there?

Quit analysing,replaying the whole thing over and over again in your mind.That just drags you back.Instead,focus on yourself,dig out things you want to do,hobbies you wanted to pursue and keep yourself busy.One fine day,you will realise you are happy you took a decision in moving forward.You'll have a whole new life that would be more exciting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by benson1

Thanks guys ur advice has been great everytime I feel the need to contact him I just read it!
I am starting to feel a little lonely but I know that will take a wee bit longer to pass and I need to stick to nc.
Just wish he would sort himself out now! Abd see sense! Why is he reaching it out? Does he just want it both ways? To see me but not to feel attached?

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You may be onto something there, he wants the benefits that go with a girlfriend,example,the support and friendship,but,he has no responsibility for your emotions or hurting you..

Great for him,not so great for you..

Nothing but confusion comes from trying to figure out their thoughts or analyzing their behaviour.
Focus on you now-do things that make you feel good.
Get emotional support from people who care about you and keep busy.

I know I will keep busy, but from what you guys have read do you think he will get it together? And want to start a fresh? I know I can't think like that, but I feel I need a straight answer

its impossible to predict what someone will say or do, going by a few posts.

for my two pence worth,it seems like this guy is needy and looking for something he can't find in a relationship with you.

that does not reflect badly on you,only perhaps that he does not value you nor see your worth,good chance someone else will.

Will he ever see my worth?

again how can anyone say.

all you can do is look after yourself.

your situation is not uncommon, if you read the stickies at the start of the relationships thread,it gives great advice, and also you can read other peoples stories.

your not the only woman that this has happened too,in fact I can put my hand up to include me.

but,I am now with a great man,who values are relationship,if my ex was still been around,I would still be miserable! And stuck in an neverending drama.

Benson, I am in a position so similar to yours.
I was engaged until last week, when he dropped a bombshell, saying he needed some time alone because his head is messed up. He asked me not to contact him, and I didn't, and he started contacting me.

It's easier for me to give advice than to take it on board, but I can say this - stick to NC.
It's the most difficult thing ever, ignoring the man you love, but it's the only way for you tp start rebuilding yourself, your confidence and your life.
If you stay in contact, or constantly analyse why he's getting in touch, it only holds you back from moving forward.
I'm guilty of analysing every text message he sends me, and believe me, it only makes you worse - and I'm working on it.

You have to be your priority now!
Take it from someone in a similar situation.

I wish all the luck, and I hope everything works out for u.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by benson1

I know I will keep busy, but from what you guys have read do you think he will get it together? And want to start a fresh? I know I can't think like that, but I feel I need a straight answer Will he ever see my worth?

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Not while you don't see it for yourself.

Not while your still confused, hurt, and miserable.

Not while you haven't healed, and found your own happiness without him.

Certainly not until you have put this behind you. That takes time.

Was that straight enough for you? Not being harsh, but you have to do as he has, make a decision to put yourself first.

I honestly can't believe how helpful everyone has been! Sometime I post on here and feel a bit pathetic with the way I go on!
But it seems easier to share your insecurities with people you can't see. I went out tonight for drinks with my boyfriends from uni and I feel a lot better.

I asked them for advice, and they suggested giving him a deadline. I am not sure if it was good, or not, but I suggested taking a month apart, and that if after a month things hadn't changed, its done, if not we will see.

However I feel now that's this is what I need time to think about, myself and what I want. Do you guys think I have made a mistake?

And to jayjay, god you are so brave, and I look at you being engaged and being able to be strong after an engagement! I feel embarrassed! X

Don't be embarrassed. We all have hard times, and everyone deals with them differently. As long as you ARE coping, that's the main thing.

I am honestly not coping very well, but I'm sticking to the NC just because I want him to see what life is like without me. If he doesn't miss me, I'm going to have to suck it up.
It's the worst feeling ever. But I've been through a bad break up before and I made all the wrong decisions then - I just don't want to do that again.

I think you may have made a mistake by giving him a deadline, you should have just stuck to the NC. I think you have just put more pressure on him to make a decision.
But either way, I really hope all works out for you!

I know what you mean that's what I thought but he felt its fair and really why not? Maybe it's the anger starting! But I can't wait forever!
I don't want to feel like this anymore! I know I can do the NC for a month and I think a month is a pretty good deal! A lot can happen!

I know I'm still screwed up about the whole thing and in no place to give advice but jay jay! Go out! I really did not want to go!
I was so close to canceling and just running back to my bed with the remote!
But I'm so glad I did! Just being with friends having a drink (not too much or the NC goes out the window)
But the best people to give u a boost is your mates and a vodka and diet coke!
Get dressed up and let's face it since last week we have both lost a few pounds :) maybe I have made a mistake?x

Ps when I said to him about the month deadline he said he thought that was fair
We agreed after a month we done hear anything we both know its done so I don't know I thought maybe that was a good thing?

Well whatever works for you is your own business. If it works then I'm glad for u, if it's what you want.

I'm just trying to avoid contacting my guy because I don't think I would like what he has to say and I believe it would only hurt me more.

It's killing me though.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

I know your situation is a whole new level uz were engaged which must be 100 times
Harder to get over than 10 months!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html
U should have a look at the advice from starrynights and taliman and redhead it sounds weird but every time I get the urge I read
What they say, or I went home to my parent for a week.
I live alone and it was hard just sitting in my flat alone
Maybe if you go home make sure you have people around u.
I've realised break ups make you feel lonely
And that's the killer.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

Yea well I lived with him and now I'm back home with my parents and brothers.
I'd give anything to be back with him though.
I know I sound so desperate and needy but I was always so sure that he was the one for me. There was a connection between us that I can't explain, something I've never felt before.
Everything with him felt so right. It's just awful that he obviously didn't feel the same.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-chat-speak-no-text-talk-303157.html
Hate to be the bad guy, chat/text is not allowed.

I know I need to stick to nc how will I feel better and how will he know if he is missing me or not!
Maybe the month thing is a bad idea but I feel it needs a deadline.
And who knows how we will feel after that.
But in order for that to work I need to ignore him! Make him
See what its like without having me there!

Maybe I did make a mistake *sigh*
But I think I need to stick to nc for this to work

What do uz think about the month thing?

Nc is for you to start healing from the breakup,its not a magic wand to get the ex back.
When there is no contact your head will allow the confusion to recede and you will start to recover and get your life back on track.
You need to start taking care of yourself and keep busy doing things that make you feel better.
Whatever may happen in the future nobody knows.
Here and now its best that you concentrate on your healing.

I think you should start doing your own thing and see in a month how you feel. That's what your going to do any way, and if nothing has changed between you, then it will be a wasted month.

You can't put deadlines, and timetables, on peoples feelings. You can't hold your breathe and hope limbo passes. Either you honor a commitment to yourself, or you don't.

Your choice, more misery and pain, or start the healing process.

I know I don't want to hol my breath I know I need to move on!
He said he thought it was fair and to see how things are in a month. Is he just humouring me?
I need to move on and I'm trying. I'm struggling today though because we had a big night with all his friends planned tonight
So I know he is out which is bugging at me
I'm having friends over tonight to keep my mind off it.
But I really am struggling

He text today saying he is going to apply to go back to uni and that he is feeling a little btter
But still want to try nc! He is just confusing me!

Does he understand the concept of no contact!

Since you started your thread, you have gone through a gambit of emotions,but all the time going in a circle,you keep going right... and all roads right lead back to him.
Its not a perfect circle because your trying and slipping and trying and slipping.

And every time you do,you get more hurt,more tears,more confused.

The tools to turn LEFT and towards healing and a new lease of life are in this thread.

And the sign post that will lead you there says NO CONTACT.. at all! In any form!. from you or him.

Ok no contact! I just wish I really knew how he feels
God! Remind me never to get involved with a boy!

Ill only reply to him if he says what u said redhead
I love you I'm sorry I made a mistake. But right now I need to get over it!