I haven't really gotten another woman's perspective on my situation. Basically I was with my ex for 4.5 years before she called it off last week. Now I am heartbroken and I have to move out next week. We were renting a house that her dad owned so its obviously me that has to move out. Four months ago we were engaged to be married in September of this year. These past four months have been an absolute nightmare and a trainwreck that I don't think either of us saw coming.

In December 2008, we had been engaged for 6 months at that point, and out of nowhere, I started to get these strange feelings. I started to get really nervous about getting married in less than a year. We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared. On top of that I was dealing with depression that I have had for a long time. I had been unhappy with myself and I had my own issues with myself confidence.

So I told my fiancé about my cold feet and that maybe we should postpone the wedding. I told her I still loved her, I still wanted to be with her, and I just wanted to make this work and sort out our problems first. She seemed OK with this but then the next day she said she would try to be nicer to me and asked if I wanted to go ahead with the wedding in September. After thinking about it, I realized I did love her and that maybe my cold feet were just temporary and so I agreed.

About two weeks later we got into an argument about something stupid. I revealed to her that I had been really depressed lately and there were times when I didn't see a point in life. This obviously hurt her very much, but I assured her it had nothing to do with her and it dealt more with my own insecurities. She was hurt because she figured that when someone is engaged it should be the happiest time in their life. She said later that night that she couldn't marry someone who is miserable and depressed and had their own issues that needed worked on. She gave back the ring.

A day or two later we were having a discussion about what had happened and this is when I told her other things she probably didn't want to hear. I told her I was feeling smothered living with her and I also told her that I had felt a little bit of pressure to propose to her. I don't really think there was 100 percent truth to these statements, but I was just grasping at straws trying to explain to her where the cold feet might have came from. These things hurt her even more.

I took a few days and really reflected on everything and I realized that I really did want to marry her in September and that these feelings were just temporary insanity. When I told her that, she said "You couldn't have changed your mind that quickly after saying the things you did". I told her I did change my mind, I was wrong and I wanted to go through with the wedding. She refused and said she was still hurt and was protecting herself in the case that she took me back and I did it all over again. I assured her I wouldn't but she still didn't trust me.

About two weeks passed after that and we were getting along even though the wedding was called off. She was trying to evaluate if she still wanted to be in this relationship. It was New Year's Eve and she wanted to meet up with my friends and I. I was upset that she didn't take me back after I said I no longer had cold feet and wanted to get married. I guess I acted like a jerk that night and ignored her. The next day she said she was done for good.

I was supposed to move out but we talked and we sort of rushed back into things... We started getting along and I was being really good to her and I told her I was sorry for everything and that I still wanted to marry her. Then we started going to couples counseling in February and we were making progress. I realized that I had made a huge mistake, and that I no longer had the feelings I did and I knew for sure I wanted to marry her. Our therapist said if we wanted to move forward, we had to put the past behind us. And this is where my ex had a lot of trouble in. It was too hard for her to do that.

I thoughts things were going well and I wanted to get the relationship and the engagement back on track... but then last weekend she drops a bombshell and says she doesn't want to do this anymore and that she doesn't love me the way she used to and doesn't see a future with me. This crushed me. So now here I am and I have to move out. I don't really know what to think. I understand why she is hurt and I guess she could not let the past go and try to trust me again. I think she thought that I would just do the same thing all over again, even though now, I know 100 PERCENT that I would not.

So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work? Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back? I feel like she is my soulmate and the love of my life. I had never felt those feelings in our 4.5 years together and I couldn't help how I felt. I looked deep into myself and I realized she is everything I wanted it and my feelings of doubt were temporary. Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together? What should I do? Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?

So all she has is your word that things will change? You haven't kept your word before, why should she trust you now?

As a guy, its not a good bet that you would be a good partner.

So are you saying that any relationship in which a person has temporary cold feet is doomed to fail? People that have broken up have never gotten back together and gotten married after some time apart? This was really the only time I broke her trust. Its hard, but I believe you can gain trust back.

I would be gone and stay gone.

I am glad that you didn't get marry because getting hitch don't make the problems away and the two you had plenty, which was unhealthy.

You need to sort out your own problems through counseling instead of trying to be in a relationship.

The two of you sounds like oil and water and sometimes you can't always fix what is broken.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work?

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It's been 4.5 years of procrastination, depression, not understanding himself, saying words not thought very well. Most likely she's certain on what she's talking about.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back?

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Certainly. You proposed to me and you said you feel smothered and pressured? What is it you really want?

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together?

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Move on and kill that hope. You had your chances but you had doubts. Things will just go back on its old ways.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

What should I do?

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Move on. Take what she said and deal your own issues.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?

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Move out. Sort out your own depression. Any woman wouldn't want to deal with a depressed man. No matter what you say, we will always think it's us.

But I really didn't feel pressure. It was something I told her when we were trying to figure out the reasons for my cold feet. I brought up that I felt a little bit of pressure. But the day I proposed to her, I knew I wanted to marry her. We were engaged 6 months and the whole time I knew for sure.

Why didn't she just bail for good when it first happened? Why did she give me another chance by going to therapy? Obviously, she was willing to try to work things out but for whatever reason I guess it didn't work.

For whatever reason she decided she wants out and bail just like you did.

Maybe she got sick of the agruing, I don't know I am in her head.

You need to accept it and let it go, for now. The two of you had a rocky relationship anyway with all the back and forth. Maybe she got cold feet.

Right, but I don't think I really 'bailed'. I never wanted out of the relationship. I just got confused but then I knew what I really wanted. But I guess it was too late.

I would have left. The whole, I'm ready, not ready, would just frustrate me and it'd be a waste of my time.

Sarah

Well, it wasn't the cold feet that caused her to end it, it was the other things I said, mostly how I was really depressed and didn't see a point in life, and that I felt smothered.

So for what its worth, just basic feelings of cold feet don't always push the girl away. She was willing to accept that, until I told her the other stuff.

Well cold feet for me is a big factor. Means your unsure about me and having second thought of even having a relationship. It doesn't matter what you say, it's the fact that you aren't willing to jump in. And in addition for you to be telling me that you feel smothered and not seeing the point in life would just confirm my thoughts and I'd be in the end annoyed with dealing with someone with such a negative mentality.

Like they say misery likes company, but I, for one, won't be his.

Sarah

Yeah I guess everyone is different. Even after all that stuff I said she was willing to give me another chance and we were going to therapy. I guess once in therapy, it was just too much for her to handle.

Put yourself in the position she was in and imagine how you would feel if after 5 years you didn't want to move to the next level.

You are right, once trust is broken, it has to be earned back, and I guess she didn't want to go through that long process.

She was willing to stick around and give me time... but when I said I had changed my mind, she didn't think it was possible that I thought enough about it long enough and could change my mind that quickly.

I should have just told her lets postpone it until this date. I didn't. I was so afraid of losing her.

OH well, the past is past. I can't change it although I wish more than anything that I could. I have to learn from this.

I'm in a world of pain right now. I managed to get back together with my ex, whom I was with for 5 years and was even engaged to, after an 8 month breakup. The road to reconciliation was a rocky one, a roller coaster, we were always going back and forth, neither of us could get on the same page as one another, and there was even one point a couple months ago where she said she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I figured it was over for good so I went out and lived my life instead of moping around. Thinking sex with someone else would make me feel better, I had a one night stand with a random girl whose name I don't even remember. Afterwards, I felt awful, it didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse, and I even felt like I cheated on my ex! I guess that was because I was still very much in love with her.

I didn't sleep with anyone else after that and then eventually my ex and I started talking again and finally about a week ago, we decided we wanted to get back together and make it work. We started sleeping together again as well. Then she started to ask me if I slept with anyone else when we were broken up. I flat out lied to her and said no. She asked again. I lied. Again. I lied again. She said it was only fair because if we were sleeping together she needs to know because she didn't want to get an STD. I lied again.

Finally, one night after making love, she started berating me about it again. Saying she had this feeling that I slept with someone and that sex just felt different to her, like I was performing different or something like that. I lied again and said I hadn't. I figured if I told her the truth she would be pissed and not want to be with me anymore. I was afraid of the consequences. She kept berating me so finally I just came clean. She was very upset and said that I didn't care about her and I disrespected her body. She told me to leave her alone and get out of her life, do not call, email, text, etc. She claimed she was more upset about the lie than the actual act of sleeping with someone else, but I don't buy it. I think I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. Had I been honest from the start, I think she still would have flipped out because we were each other's firsts. We had that special thing and now I feel like because I slept with someone else and she didn't, she probably feels like that special thing is gone and because of that, no longer wants me.

It's been 5 days and I haven't heard from her. I've respected her wishes and haven't bothered it, but it is torturing me. I still love her very much and I wish I hadn't lied. I wish I hadn't had that one night stand. My friends say I should have just kept up the lie and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Others say I did the right thing by being honest, even though I lied first. They said if I kept up the lie, it would eat me up inside.

Is it really better to be honest about what you did during a breakup if you decide to get back together with an ex? I never asked her what she did, because quite frankly, I didn't care, we were broken up, I didn't want to know, I wanted a fresh start with her. But she seemed to care a lot and just berated me about what I had done. If I had kept up the lie, I'd still be with her. Now, after months of working to get back together, she's gone again and I am miserable. I would do anything to have her back! What advice can anyone out there give me? Did I do the right thing by finally coming clean?

I went back and read over your other threads..

It would seem you have not changed at all,and for her perhaps it was a case of the same old same old...

More heartache.

Maybe she will come back again,and maybe she has just had enough of the relationship for good.

How have I not changed? Obviously I did somewhat or else she might not have been willing to give us another shot. What's in the past is in the past, I really don't see a need to bring up my previous posts from 8 months ago.

I think you should really leave it alone now and take some time to figure out what you really want. Jumping in bed with other people to try to get over someone is a big mistake. You need to decide for yourself if sex is something sacred between you and someone you really love or just something to do to have fun. I wouldn't worry about trying to figure her out or what she's going to do, you have enough to figure out with yourself.

Wow... just because I had a one night stand with someone means I have a ton of problems? People have sex all the time. I wasn't asking if sleeping with someone else was the right thing to do, I was asking if being honest in this case was the right thing to do and what I can do to earn her trust back. I've already realized after the one night stand that I only want to have sex with someone I love, my ex.

You should have told her the truth straight up. At the time of your onenightstand you were broken up so what you did then was your business. But not coming clean the first time she asked you was a mistake and once the trust is gone only she can decide if she wants to try and rebuild it.

amicon, I agree I should have told the truth the first time she asked. I know now that the trust is broken, what can I do though to show her she can trust me again? That was the biggest secret from our time apart, she knows everything now and I don't want to ever lie to her about anything.

Give her time. You can't just do anything right now to make her trust you again.

I guess time is the only answer. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. The holidays. This is my first Christmas without her and I think that makes this 100 times worse. Maybe in a week or two she will have calmed down. Should I wait for her to make contact or should I reach out in a week or two?

I'd say the ball's in her court now.

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Originally Posted by amicon

You should have told her the truth straight up. At the time of your onenightstand you were broken up so what you did then was your business. But not coming clean the first time she asked you was a mistake and once the trust is gone only she can decide if she wants to try and rebuild it.

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They're making me spread the love Amicon otherwise you'd have yet another rep point.

You're the first person that actually answered the poster's queston instead of judging him. And I agree with you.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

How have I not changed? Obviously I did somewhat or else she might not have been willing to give us another shot. What's in the past is in the past, I really don't see a need to bring up my previous posts from 8 months ago.

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Its not about the posts,it the whole story that has to be taken into consideration because the same lady was involved,if this was a different woman, my advice would have been different.

Think back over the past year,to the first breakup,you could not make a commitment then,and there was a lot of argueing,all I'm saying is the emotional cost of this relationship is running very high...

When she asked you did you sleep with anyone while you were apart,she wanted to know for health reasons, and you lied.. I understand you were afraid to hurt her,but is was a prettty serious lie... she was concerned about sti's/her health,and well when you lied it said that you were not.

There seems to be no middle ground in the relationship,its all high or all lows, and relationships can't survive the yo yo emotions all the time..

Which is why if she decided to give me another chance, it would be the final chance, and I would propose to her again, knowing full well I want to make the commitment this time around and end the "emotional yo yo"

I, too, went back and read your previous posts to see if there was more information that might have contributed to her decision. (July was 5 months ago. Unless you have, also, forgotten the name of the co-worker and the other girl you were going to try dating.)

You feel guilty after the one one-night stand. It affects how you perform in bed with your girlfriend (when you get back together), because you are still feeling the guilt. She was essentially asking what was wrong trying to figure out if it was her or you who had changed. She works it out that you are the one who was acting differently. She asks about it. You lie. You could have said anything else, but you chose to lie. You could have said that it was in the past and you had been tested for stds (I hope) and that even though you don't want to talk about it, it made you realize how much you want only her. But you lied.

Your past does make a difference because the lie continues the pattern of you saying things (like feeling smothered or pressured into proposing) then saying that you didn't really feel that way (which does she take as the truth? She has to make that decision). For her, it is as though she can't trust that you will tell her the truth. That you will say one thing and keep changing it to suit your needs.

Now, you are playing the 'what if' or 'even if' game. Putting the blame for lying on her because if you had told the truth from the beginning then you 'know' she would have been upset about the sex with an unknown woman (destroying something special you shared. I think that is part of your guilt, too). You showed that you didn't trust her with the truth. You didn't trust her to understand that things happen when people are broken up or to work through it with you.

'Coming clean' is probably the only thing you did do right. You just shouldn't have put yourself in the position where you had to 'come clean'. Being honest from the start and not rushing relationships might be two lessons from this that you want to take forward with you.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

(July was 5 months ago. Unless you have, also, forgotten the name of the co-worker and the other girl you were going to try dating.)

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I don't see how either of those things are relevant to this. I thought the relationship was over and was trying to get on with my life, there was nothing wrong in going on dates with someone new. I broke it off with the girl I went on dates with because I started talking to my ex again and realized I loved her and only wanted to be with. And nothing ever happened with my co-worker except that we rarely talk and it is awkward at work every day. Also, I know July is 5 months ago, but me and my ex broke up in April, so 8 months is correct. I don't understand why you bring up 5 months.

But besides that, you do offer good advice and I thank you for it. Whatever happens from here on in, whether she comes back or not, I know to just always be honest, no matter how scared I am of the consequences of the truth. It's obviously better than being caught in a lie. Telling the truth doesn't damage trust, lying does. I've been pretty good at that and I really want to work hard to never lie again.

Ok, I'd like to know why my two questions were merged. I don't think that is really fair and I'd like to know why it was done.

That's good you make that promise, now you have to keep it.

After merging your posts, and rereading the whole thing, we all see a pattern that broke you up in the first place, and now you have done it again, with your second chance.

That my friend is why past posts, with the same person, are so important, and since you didn't correct your past mistakes, you repeated them.

I can understand her hesitating to ever trust you again, and even the extent that you downplay your actions and her reactions, they were big enough to put her on full alert to anything you say whether your telling the truth, or not.

I don't see this working without honest communications, and you blew that twice already.

Do you really think you deserve another chance to blow it again?? Not by my thinking you won't, and I can bet, not by hers either because you have clearly shown, you have not changed as you said you have.

Your actions, and words just don't match. Really work on that, as its more important than another chance with her.

Why do I feel like I'm just being attacked and judged by people on here? No body is perfect and I know I made some mistakes. I was just looking for advice on how to deal with the current situation. None of you actually know my ex, I have broken her trust before and she has forgiven me. This time might be no different, or it could be, who knows. All I know is that I was willing to finally committ. Even though I had the problem with lying, I knew that I wanted to be with her for good this time and I felt as if the truth of what I did when we were broken up would ruin that.

It was none of her business what I did when we were broken up. I don't get how people think when you are broken up, everything you did you must tell the ex, that is a load of crap. It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. But the bottom line is, she kept asking, so I should have been honest, even though she had no right to ask and it was none of her business. I didn't ask her the same questions because I didn't care what she did when we were apart and it was none of my business.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Ok, I'd like to know why my two questions were merged. I don't think that is really fair and I'd like to know why it was done.

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Just like in your posts all the facts are not present. Its important for good advice, and input from others, to see all the facts of your story, not just the ones you want to see, and not disclosing the previous facts to us, is unfair to all those who chose to answer your questions, and give opinions. That's why the two posts were merged for the whole story, which whether you agree or not, is absolutely relevant, and shows us all you have made the same mistake twice now with the same person. You really need to see that, to get beyond whatever reason you had for lying to someone you say you care about.

So are you saying if you care about someone you can never lie to them? I don't necessarily agree. Was lying wrong in my case? Yes, it probably was. But I knew she would still get mad at the truth if I told her right away. I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But getting caught in the lie probably caused more pain for her than if I was honest from the start. I feel if I was honest from the start, the chances of her getting past that would have been 100 times better than her chances of getting beyond this current situation.

I also feel like she tricked me into telling the truth. She said "If you want this relationship to work, you have to tell me now!" As soon as I told her, she told me to get out. I'd say she tricked me. Still doesn't justify my behavior, but I don't think that was fair on her part. She made me believe we'd still have something if I came clean.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Why do I feel like I'm just being attacked and judged by people on here? No body is perfect and I know I made some mistakes. I was just looking for advice on how to deal with the current situation. None of you actually know my ex, I have broken her trust before and she has forgiven me. This time might be no different, or it could be, who knows. All I know is that I was willing to finally commit. Even though I had the problem with lying, I knew that I wanted to be with her for good this time and I felt as if the truth of what I did when we were broken up would ruin that.

It was none of her business what I did when we were broken up. I don't get how people think when you are broken up, everything you did you must tell the ex, that is a load of crap. It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. But the bottom line is, she kept asking, so I should have been honest, even though she had no right to ask and it was none of her business. I didn't ask her the same questions because I didn't care what she did when we were apart and it was none of my business.

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Do you really expect her to forgive, and forget, yet again, just because you say your ready? Do you really believe that what you did when broken up was none of her business?

Guy without honest communications, and TRUST, you have no relationship, and minimizing her feelings, like you don't care, or think they don't count, is exactly why she may never trust, or forgive you.

I am not judging you, but giving you the straight up honest truth, and so is everyone else. If you don't want the truth, what are you looking for??

You can't commit to anyone until you can commit to the truth, and honesty. It matters to her, so it should matter greatly to you.

Ok, so how is what I do when we are broken up any of her business? We were broken up, we weren't together. I have no obligation to tell her anything unless she asks. If she didn't ask at all, do you really think I was supposed to just tell her every little thing I did when we were broken up? What's the point of that? She didn't tell me what she did and that's because I didn't ask.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

I don't see how either of those things are relevant to this.

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The reason I brought those up is because they are a part of your full story. From what you had written in the current question, it sounded like the only time you went out (with someone other than your ex) was the one night stand and other than that you were trying to get back with your ex. It also shows that you were not allowing yourself to work through one relationship (At least, not after July) before attempting a new one even with the ex.

I am concerned that you may allow alcohol to cloud your judgment when you are with women you find attractive and even if only heavy petting occurs you end up feeling bad/guilty. That feeling of 'guilt' is part of not being ready to move on. Yes, you weren't together, however, your mind seems to have felt differently.

I don't know what will happen with your ex. If you have a history of depression, all I can say is that you need to do things differently this Holiday Season (including New Year, etc.) to keep yourself from spiraling downward and making bad choices. Keep yourself busy with family, friends, and anything that helps you feel better about yourself. Just don't sit at home thinking about the past.

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[quote by Cristoforo; So are you saying if you care about someone you can never lie to them? I don't necessarily agree.

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People can handle the truth better than a lie, and the truth goes along way toward your credibility with her which for now is completely shot!

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Was lying wrong in my case? Yes, it probably was. But I knew she would still get mad at the truth if I told her right away.

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A big difference between paying the consequences of your actions based on the truth, than lying. Lying means there is something your hiding, or some selfish motives to avoid consequences.

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I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But getting caught in the lie probably caused more pain for her than if I was honest from the start.

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Yes it surely did.

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I feel if I was honest from the start, the chances of her getting past that would have been 100 times better than her chances of getting beyond this current situation.

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Its easier dealing with the truth, whatever it is, than dealing with a lie on top of it.

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I also feel like she tricked me into telling the truth. She said "If you want this relationship to work, you have to tell me now!" As soon as I told her, she told me to get out.

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She didn't trick you, you just didn't get the get out of jail free card that you expected.

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I'd say she tricked me. Still doesn't justify my behavior, but I don't think that was fair on her part. She made me believe we'd still have something if I came clean.

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There you go again, talking about what's fair. You have a selfish narrow view of what's fair. As long as it serves you its fair. When its about the truth, its not. Just like you feel its none of her business what you did while you were broken up, and don't care what she did during the same time. That's not fair, to say you care about someone but don't show it with the truth.

Thats all you have to do is be honest about your own actions. No matter the consequences.

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Ok, so how is what I do when we are broken up any of her business? We were broken up, we weren't together. I have no obligation to tell her anything unless she asks. If she didn't ask at all, do you really think I was supposed to just tell her every little thing I did when we were broken up? What's the point of that? She didn't tell me what she did and that's because I didn't ask.

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She asked because it meant something to her. So you did have an obligation to be honest.

She would have the same obligation had you asked her.

Cristoforo you're right, they are two different questions and I don't necessarily agree with questions always being merged either. But I'm not the moderator and I feel they do a rather fine job here.

BUT… the history and facts are important and this is where I agree with the Tal-man. Your previous posts indicate you have a history of lying to your EX girlfriend. It's not like you betrayed her trust once… buddy you've got more strikes than the Bad News Bears.

She asked you if you had sex when you were broken up. Instead of stating to her, like you told us, “It's none of her business.” you lied yet again, and again, and again. You should have communicated to her either yes you did or explain that you don't care to share that information as you two are starting fresh then attempt to understand what she needs to feel comfortable once again.

I don't want to judge you… but putting myself in her shoes, you're a liar. Granted telling her you slept with another while broken up would have hurt her feelings she would have let this go. Seeing as lying has been a habitual issue and cause for past breaks I would hope you would see the error in your ways.

You can apologize and tell her how you feel. After that I'd probably disappear and let her make her decision.