Hello all, I have read many threads but felt I need to make my own post. Here is a background on the situation I am in. I have had a girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, I am 25 and she is 26. We attended college together and basically lived with one another for the first year and a half of our relationship. Everything was perfect then, always doing new things together, going to rock concerts (which we both love), going to tons of hockey games, going to movies, talking for hours on the phone, always making love, etc. Every time we passed a jewelry store she would always point out her favorite type of ring so I knew what to get when the time was right. In addition, we signed an apartment lease 1 month ago, started moving her stuff in, and I even did some repairs on it! Every time we talked on the phone she would always call me her soul mate, her best friend, and her lover... all of which I could say about her.

Things began to drastically change about 4-5 months ago when she graduated from college and moved back home (about 1 hour away from my college) while I had one more semester to finish up. Things started to get rough because she works 5 days a week, and I could rarely see her due to my classes. On top of this, every time I went out to visit her we did the same things and stopped doing new things. Being so far from each other also caused us to fight a lot about little things both on the phone and when we were together. This also caused our affection towards one another to diminish. When I tried to kiss her she would turn her head or start talking, she would try to put her arm around me and I would stick my hand in my pockets, etc.

About 3 weeks after our 2-1/2 year anniversary, I went to meet her for lunch and she started going off on me, saying that we don't communicate anymore, we fight too much, we don't make love any more, I don't try to be friends with her friends, etc. I tried to go through and explain each problem she had, but she was having none of it. We sat in silence for about one hour and I told her I had to go and we hugged while she cried in my arms.

She called me the next day and I asked when I could come see her, and she proceeded to tell me that I couldn't because she hadn't moved her bed into the new apartment and there wasn't enough room on the couch. I told her I would sleep on the floor if it meant saving the relationship and she told me she wouldn't let me do that. We talked for the next 6-7 days consecutively, where she tells me I am not working hard enough to find a job (which I had been doing since the beginning of the semester), we still don't talk enough (I try to talk to her, but she always says she has nothing to talk about), I need to show her I care other ways than buying her things (referring to the dozen of roses I bought her for our anniversary), etc. This hurt me deeply. The very next day, one week before my final exams started, we talked for about 4 hours and both agreed on a breakup (although I was really strongly against it) due to lack of communication, her not being happy, and her more or less being confused with everything going on. We both cried over the phone and she said all she wanted to do was come out and hold me, but I said that probably isn't the best idea.

Since the break, she has been calling me way more than she did when we were dating and feels the need to tell me why we broke up every time we talk. She says that we need to work on building back our friendship before we can rebuild a relationship, yet says she does not know whether she wants to date again.

I'm sorry for the long message, but I have no idea what is going on here. First I think we are at a very confusing time being that I graduate in one week and we were going to get a place. Then I think that she really has lost interest in me, but why would she be calling me 3-4 times a day seeing how I am and what I am doing that day. I have read about the NC thing, but does that apply in this situation? We still say we love each other, we agree we are one another's best friends, and we agree we do not want to lose each other.

All in all... HELP!!

I see no communication between you that's aimed at rebuilding the relationship. Her feelings have changed and you're hanging around in limbo waiting for something to change. I would tell her that you're going no contact and that you only want to hear from her if she's honestly willing to start over again by the two of you working together to make a go of it. As it is now she is calling all the shots and you need to get your life back and do your own thing.

Talk about emotional torture!

You try and make a move or suggestion and she knocks it back...

She pulls you in,only to push you away.

It does sounds like she has reached the end of the relationship,however she does not have the guts to go cold turkey..

But I'm guessing she will before long.

Time for you to make a stand..
Go no contact,concentrate on your exams,I would calmly tell her she is not helping your mental state with all the emotional drama.

Instead of a break,how about some head space for you both.

Breaking up is not the way to rekindle a relationship, or get a friendship back.

Honest communications is. Situations, and circumstances change all the time, and either you work together through honest communications, or you don't.

What stands out on your post is the days and hours of talking, with no clear resolution, or course of action. That tells me its more about feelings, and not facts. So whatever your plan, its not clear, or convincing.

I would say you haven't shown her the confidence that whatever your planning could work, or she has a plan herself that may not include you.

She is already working, so her perspective has changed, and she needs solid back up, and support, and the only way you can make adjustments together, is to talk together.

Partners that cannot communicate, and resolve issues, cannot work together period.

Are you a good listener? Then why did she really break up with you??

Thank you for the advice, it is helping me so far.

@talaniman:

I feel I am a good listener. Specifically I remember times when she was student teaching and living in a bigger city, she had called me multiple times in tears. I listened and talked to her for hours about her problems and feel that I am the main reason she did not quit student teaching on multiple occasions.

You are spot on when you say that we are talking with no clear course of action. It is basically conversation which involves her rationalizing our break up and why she wants to do it. The main reason she has been saying we do not communicate lately is because we both have had the same routine every day for the past four months. She teaches and I go to class. Also she likes to talk about teaching a lot, and I love listening, but I can rarely relate to the situation so I do not have much to say back.

Although she has mentioned a few of the problems before, and I have put in an honest effort to make friends with her friends and communicate better, it wasn't until that time spent in her car where I started hearing all these new problems she has with the relationship. And then more new problems followed in the days I tried to talk with her and explain the old problems.

I am just confused right now, and more or less tired... this is a tough time for both of us. I will be entering the real world by graduating in a week and she just moved out of her parents house into her own apartment while trying to find a permanent teaching job. Ugh!

I think you focus on your own future, and not jump into anything easy at this point. Plan on doing your own thing when you graduate, and supporting yourself.

She doesn't sound like she is interested in getting closer, but is unable to fully let you go at this time. Thats another red flag, holding on to something familiar while she figures things out.

For your part though, you enable this kind of behavior by trying to explain and fix, instead of dealing with facts in a straight forward manner.

Just me, after a break up its important to let them go, and be less available, not more. This allows the emotional dust to settle so you can get the facts in perspective, and not just get carried away by your feelings of loss. Then you can recognize the changes, and know how to adjust in your own interest.

We often ignore the obvious out of concern, or conditioning, and take actions out of emotions and feelings. That makes for a very narrow and clouded view, that makes for impulsive and desperate actions that are doomed to fail.

Its time to back up, and gain a realistic perspective, that requires you to pay closer attention to her words, and actions, and see if they match.

I would say she is rapidly losing confidence in this relationship, but doesn't have the skills yet, to know what to do about it, except break up, and that is a stepping slowly away from you.

If all she has are excuses to leave, and no solid plans to work together, she is not so confused about the future of this romance, its over, but she is holding on for now, because she has no clear plan of action for doing something better, or different.

When she does, I doubt she will even need you any more, as a friend, or otherwise.

Yes, you have been demoted to the friend zone, and the only way out is with your own clear actions, independent of her altogether.

Whatever is up with her, her decision have to be made without your influence.

The others have already provided great advice about honest communication, so I'm going to suppliment their advice with a different angle.

The problem I see with this relationship is the fact that she's working and you're still in school. You might not see this, but there's a huge gap between someone working full-time and someone still studying.

After you've stabilized your life and starting your life in the working force, I suspect that there will be less pressure and strain on your relationship.

Hopefully you're graduating soon and hopefully you'll have a decent job when you're done school. If you continue to be in school or unemployed, the gap between the two of you will continue to grow and you will have to work extremely hard and have a non-stop strong communication system to maintain your relationship.

I wish makes some great points as she has goals and aspirations and its important she knows so do you.

Thanks for everything. I am going to tell her that my wishes are to cut off communication for a while so we can re-evaluate our situations. I am going to finish up school (graduating with a 3.4 GPA in Accounting!) this week and pursue my job search in my hometown.

That sounds like a good plan as that more important than chasing someone that doesn't want to be caught by you!

Good luck and take care.

Not sure if this has been asked before... but I am going to try the NC thing. The ex has not called me yet today, but I was wondering something. What do I do if I get angry voicemails/texts from her?

This is the type of caring girl she is, although we have broken up, she will still call me every day and leave voicemails, etc. If I do not return them, she will call my roommates/friends to see if they talked to me. If she can't contact them, she will ultimately call my parents telling them she is worried about me and will want to know why I am not returning her calls. This will probably turn to anger and she will demand to talk to me by calling my roommates and telling them to hand me their phone.

Maybe I am just too nice, but it seems kind of mean to cut off all communication with a girl that has declared me her best friend and vice versa. I don't know, I guess Im just confused and need some guidance. It seems as though in my situation that going NC would make matters worse with us, which is the last thing I want.

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation - She broke up with you. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how she’s going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life may have closed. There's always a slight possibility that she'll change her mind, but will things really ever be the same?

If you go the NC route just remember that no contact means NO contact. It probably does seem cruel to a nice guy like yourself, but it may be the only thing out there for you to try. Good luck!

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"The funny thing about breakups is they point out what we didn't even know we had, but don't give us the option of going back into battle armed with that knowledge."

Hey, I'm majoring in accounting as well. My GPA is 3.3 but hopefully it will go up after this semester! Is accounting fun? Any information you can pass down my way? I'm really excited for it. I was taking architecture but I think the position I am looking for would take me till I'm 50... lol So accounting seems more suitable for a family as far as income and its up there as far as professions go. I have 40 credits and 24 and I am smart enough to become anything I want so why not accounting. Plus I love math. Just finished calculus last semester and got an A. I love numbers! Any pointers? Thank you in advance.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Hey, I'm majoring in accounting as well. My GPA is 3.3 but hopefully it will go up after this semester! Is accounting fun? Any information you can pass down my way? I'm really excited for it. I was taking architecture but I think the position I am looking for would take me till I'm 50...lol So accounting seems more suitable for a family as far as income and its up there as far as professions go. I have 40 credits and 24 and I am smart enough to become anything I want so why not accounting. Plus I love math. Just finished calculus last semester and got an A. I love numbers! Any pointers? Thank you in advance.

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Accounting is an awesome field to get into when you think that you are basically running a business by accounting for their money. Always remember that accounting is not all math though, there is also a lot of methodology which you need to get down pat. You didn't tell me what year you are in college, but from the sound of your credits it looks as if you are a junior? That's when accounting started getting fun for me because I had all of my liberal studies courses out of the way and could focus solely on accounting courses. Stick with it and you will be sure to find a job straight out of college.

Also make sure you network as much as possible while in college, I can't emphasize that enough.

NC is about healing from your break up and not trying to win your ex back.

Any break up is painful and regardless of whether you get her back or not, you still need to heal from the pains that you are suffering.

So when you enter into NC, be sure to be focusing on healing and not generating false hope for yourself. Otherwise, you will be setting yourself for more agony and disappointment.

Remember, she already knows how you feel about her, so it's up to her whether she wants to come back to you. You don't need to constantly remind her of how you feel. Cutting communication from one another is not mean, it's about giving each other some space to think without the influence of the other person. NC allows you to reflect on your situation from an objective point of view.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by I wish

NC is about healing from your break up and not trying to win your ex back.

Any break up is painful and regardless of whether you get her back or not, you still need to heal from the pains that you are suffering.

So when you enter into NC, be sure to be focusing on healing and not generating false hope for yourself. Otherwise, you will be setting yourself for more agony and disappointment.

Remember, she already knows how you feel about her, so it's up to her whether she wants to come back to you. You don't need to constantly remind her of how you feel. Cutting communication from one another is not mean, it's about giving each other some space to think without the influence of the other person. NC allows you to reflect on your situation from an objective point of view.

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May seem like a silly question to ask... but will I find out she wants to come back to me if we are in NC mode?

Of course. If she really wants you, there will always be a way to find you. You can't think of that though.

Don't overthink any of her possible actions in the future-do the NC and do your own thing now.

Yea, I guess I am thinking way too much about everything. It just sucks because we are at such confusing times in our lives being that I am graduating and moving home which is 2 hours from her apartment, which we were planning on living in together. When it comes down to it, it seems like I took her for granted this past semester and did not give her the love and caring she deserved because I figured we were going to get a place together upon my graduation and we would have all the time in the world for each other then. Basically I thought our relationship was invincible... not any more.

It just sucks because when I look at my Facebook messages and myspace messages from her, all of which are about 500 words long, they all contain her declaration of love and dedication towards me and all of the wonderful things we did together that particular week(s). These messages say how we are getting a place together, getting married, and how excited we are to grow old together. Another thing that really confuses me about these is the fact that most are only 3-4 months old. Could things have really changed THAT drastically in 3 months?

Someone please show me the light here.

I'd say they can and that's tough but that was then and now is now. Me I' delete all messages as part of moving forward.

I want to add a few updates upon doing some soul searching:

- I forgot to mention that she bartends Fri-Sat-Sun from 4pm-3am in addition to her full time job. She left me a voice mail after work Monday morning (3AM) saying she will call me when she wakes up. Based on 2 1/2 years of routine she usually calls around 11:30am to say good morning. I hadn't heard from her all day so naturally I became worried and sent her a text simply asking 'Are you all right?' I know NC MEANS NC, but this was just my caring side kicking in. That is all I said, but the weird thing was that she did not respond until 11:30PM that night by calling me. I stuck to my guns, or should I say shield, and did not answer then or when she called again at 12am. I found this odd though because knowing how she is, she ALWAYS has her phone clutched in her hands no matter where she is, so why couldn't she have the decency to just text back 'yes'??

Which brings me to this:

- At the beginning of this semester she found a stray puppy one night and she took it to her friend Matt's house because her parents didn't want it in their home (I should also mention that most of her friends are guys she grew up with, which never ever bothered me). Anyway she moved into her apartment about 1 1/2 months later, but in the meantime she spent about 2-3 hours per day (sometimes more), EVERY day, at Matt's house caring for the puppy. I also found it strange when she went to Matt's sometimes because I would call her just to chat and would have to call about 3-4 times consecutively before she returned my call much later in the evening. Keeping in mind she ALWAYS has her phone on or next to her, I would ask why she didn't answer and her response was always something like; 'Huh? Oh I didn't hear my phone.' or 'Oh my phone was on silent' or 'My phone fell into the couch cushions.' Does anyone else find this a little weird? Perhaps I am being naïve?

Sorry for venting here, but I want to speak my peace without her hearing it and her getting more unhappy with me.

I also found it weird that she and Matt were great friends when she and I first started dating, then they stopped talking for a while, and then this puppy comes along and they start going to local bars and what not, sometimes just the two of them and sometimes with friends. Which brings me to this:

-When I was visiting the ex a few weeks ago, I asked if I could tag along to Matt's to see the puppy. She said she had to call him to make sure I could come out and he proceeded to tell her I wasn't allowed in or near his house because he didn't know me. I will admit I got a little defensive but she told me to drop it because she didn't want to fight with me or Matt about it. I got my revenge a few weeks later when I was speaking with the ex on the phone from college. She asked if I cared if Matt helped her move some things from her parents house to the new apartment, and I very jokingly said that I didn't want him in or around my house because I didn't know him. She got extremely defensive about my statement even though I explained I was joking. I still think that this is what she is referring to when she says I don't try to be friends with her friends.

Anyway, I just needed to get all of that out in the open somehow and would like to hear what everyone thinks about it. Maybe I'm just being naïve and looking into things way too much, but I wanted to share how I have been feeling without starting a fight with her. I have given her my heart since day one of the relationship and felt complete devotion from her, but after doing some thinking these were some issues I had prior to the break up. Blah.

Well blah-how would you interprete your latest post had somebody else written that? I smell a rat,sorry guy-but I think its time to really do the NC- forever if need be.

I can see your fustration, seeing that she did a 180 degree turn in 3 months. But it happens. It really sucks, but feelings change.

It's clear that her past actions show that she cares about you. But her present actions show otherwise. You can't keep living in the past and hope that her past actions will resurface.

You need to focus on her present actions. Her present actions doesn't show that she cares about you as much as in the past.

From what you've told us, it seems like this Matt guy has feelings for her. You need to make a decision. If you still want another shot with her, then let her know and go from there.

If she doesn't feel the same way, then you need to let her go and move on with your life. Right now, you're just dragging out the healing process.

When you finally decide to go into NC, you need to keep in mind that NC is to HEAL from the break up and NOT to win her back or make her realize what she's missing.

Thanks again everyone for your responses. I have told her how I felt about the break up and how I feel about her about two days after we broke up (telling her I didn't agree and wanted to work on things). She responded by saying that she thinks breaking up is the best thing for both of us right now and she was just unhappy with where the relationship is going. She added the all famous: "My heart is telling me to stay with you, but my brain is telling me to get away." Basically she just wanted to end it easy without a fight or what not, which is probably what would have happened had we continued the way we were.

Anyway, it is now six days after the break up and I have six missed calls from her throughout the day. It is killing me because I want to answer to see how she feels, BUT, having the biggest final exam of my life tomorrow, I texted her and said I don't want to talk with her until my finals are over, which is this Wednesday, and proceeded to shut my phone off.

Anyone thing that was wrong of me? Or did I do the right thing?

Focus on your exam. Worry about her when you're less busy. Get your priorities straight.

Taking a break from studies, and they are going great. I am going to ace this thing tomorrow. I feel that cutting off communication with the ex by saying I didn't want to talk to her until after finals week was over was a good thing. Also shutting my phone off was good because I don't have as big of an urge to text her or call her, or answer when she calls me (which I haven't done since Sunday).

I know she is going to call me every day until she talks to me, but I'm not sure what to do. Like I said, it was a mutual break up which she recommended because 'we fight too much (I said just as much as any normal couple)', 'we don't communicate (I said its hard because we are so far apart and I was trying my best, things will be better when we live together and are around each other more)', 'she loves me in her heart, but her head doesn't want it (this one hurt me good)', and 'I don't show her I care about her (I did everything in my power with her being 45 minutes away AND me being in college to show her I love her with all my heart).' I'm still on the fence with these two possibilities after doing some research the other day:

1. She really doesn't love me anymore but is still saying she loves me to make the breakup easier on her, and so that I still stick around for a little while so she feels secure until she is over it. OR

2. She does want a relationship, but is scared as to what is going to happen after I graduate. I am getting a degree in accounting, she lives in a small town with little opportunity, but I still told her I would make it work. I also said I wasn't going to move in with her right out of college so I could settle down for about a month and get used to the real world. This did not fly with her.

Since I'm taking a break, anyone else have any opinions/answers as to when and IF I should call her again or my situation in general?

I wish you the best of luck with your exam-keep that phone switched off,good choice-and try not to think about her or what she might be thinking.

Should I really be the one cutting communication though. I know it is right to do until exams are up, but I was the one who did take her for granted and didn't go see her every opportunity I had this semester. I just figured she would always be there for me, we would live together at the end of the semester, and everything would be back to normal. Maybe I am just thinking too much into it.

As I have read somewhere else, if she really does feel all those things she told me, she wouldn't just end the relationship. She would stick through it with me this semester and help repair it at the end of the semester while we lived together.

When two people are truly committed to each other,they put in a mutual effort to work things out. They don't go on breaks or breakup to sort out whatever confusion there is.
In fact the person who initiates the break/breakup is not willing to put any more effort into the relationship.

@amicon: I told her that we need to work out our (well her) problems together the day she broke it off. She proceeded by telling me that she told me her problems before, but I never did anything to fix them (which is FAR from the truth).

@I Wish: You said about the whole Matt thing, that I need to make a decision. I would like to get back with her, so you think I should tell her this so soon? I guess given the circumstances it would be the best option, but what if I am totally wrong about it and there is nothing with this Matt kid? Then I would make myself look desperate and needy to her, when I should really be looking busy and not as available as when we were dating.

Confused...

I'm not sure if we're on the same page in terms of "feelings". When I mean feelings, I mean "wanting to get back together" and not your opinion about Matt.

Letting her know about your feelings puts the ball on her side of the court. In other words, after you let her know that you want her back, it's up to her whether she wants to take you back. You should know that there's no guarantee that she will take you back.

It's not about being desperate or bothering her, it's about making yourself clear that there are no misunderstandings.

Thank you for this advice. I am going to do this tomorrow, tell her what I want from the relationship and basically say that I want her to evaluate our situations and think about any possibility of a relationship for a few days/weeks. Ill tell her I don't want her calling and I won't call her and she can call me when she feels ready.

Just sucks because I did text her the night before one of the biggest finals of my college career by saying "I dont want to answer the phone or talk to you until I finish this final tomorrow. I know you will understand. Ill call you after my final tomorrow night." I shut my phone off and didn't turn it on until an hour before my final. She replied by sending me one, and only one text saying "No, I dont understand." Crushed me.

After my final ended at 7:30 I texted her "Hey Im done with my finals. Are you busy?" No response... I called her about 3 hours later and she didn't answer. Haven't heard a peep out of her since. I can't stop checking OUR myspace, her Facebook, etc. to see just what she is up to. Now that finals are over it is back to me being literally sick over the situation. I can only eat one meal a day, she is all I talk about with my friends/family, and she is all I think about when I am alone. I truly love this girl with everything I have and want nothing more than to be with her for the rest of my life. I told her this a few days after one of our fights 2 weeks ago, when she was saying she isn't happy with the relationship, and she tells me "I want you to think about this; It takes us almost breaking up for you to tell me that, just think about that." Although I HAVE told her this before, this comment also destroyed me. Its like she has just been pushing me away lately.

I was so close to buying her THE ring so I could propose after I graduated because everything seemed to be going just right with me graduating, us getting a place in her hometown, and me filling out tons of applications at firms around her town. I guess I just need someone to tell me what they think about this.

You need to go NC-you're letting this run your life and your letting this run you down. She's not knocking on your door wanting to sort things out,she's playing you and you are letting her. Sorry to be harsh but you can stop the games by stepping back and picking your life up again. Find your selfrespect,move forward, live your life. We've all had to do this at some point or other in our lives and that's the way it should be.

Leave her alone, what's wrong with just taking time and space to get your act together without her. She isn't trying to get you back, she is trying to blame you for not being there when she wants you. That's a guilt game that its best not to play.

Keep NC going for yourself, and make plans for your future without her. Now you can be as emotional as you want but the clear signal is she needs control of this relationship. Its you who need to re evaluate this situation, and fact is your still dumped and that's her choice, and that hasn't changed.

Take the time to see clearly, and make a rational choice, and not one that your heart is telling you. Leave her alone, she needs to get her act together.

Update:

She texted me this morning saying: "I dont even know what to say to you. If you cared about us you wouldn't have ignored me for a day" (referring to the day I ignored her because I had to study for finals)

I replied: "All I have done is cared about us. I didn't want to talk on Tuesday because I had the most important final ever and felt that if we talked I wouldn't be able to give 100% to our conversation. I thought you would understand because if I did this a month ago you would have said you understand and good luck on my final, but you ignored me for the next two days. I love you with all that I have and you are all I care about, and all I want is for us to be together and work on our problems."

She replied: "I spoke to you every day for 2 1/2 years and then you deliberately ignore me. You ignoring me tells me that we are not that important. Actions speak louder than words (I feel she is being a hypocrite here). A relationship is more about balance than sacrifice and you sacrificed us instead of balancing your time. That was a choice you made."



I proceeded to call her after this telling her how I felt. I told her again that if this had been a month ago she wouldn't be so upset and she would have supported me and wished me luck on my finals, which she didn't do. She goes on to tell me that "this isn't a blame game and that she is so angry with me she doesn't even consider us friends right now." I also told her that if she really wanted to be with me and loved me she would have continued the relationship and worked out our problems rather than breaking up with me and rebuilding it that way because that only made things worse between us. Instead of saying I agree with you, or I disagree with you, she continued to act selfish and say "this isn't a blame game, why are you blaming me for this?" AHHHHHHHH


I just want someone to analyze this situation and tell me if I am doing anything wrong here? I'm telling her how I feel and what I want but she just seems to find the need to yell and me and put me down. Thanks for any advice.

You've told her how you feel and how you would like things to proceed,she is angry and yells- so nothing has changed,she's still in control, you are still confused and my question is: how much longer are you going to let this run your life? She broke up with you-leave her to her games and go NC.

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Originally Posted by amicon

You've told her how you feel and how you would like things to proceed,she is angry and yells- so nothing has changed,she's still in control, you are still confused and my question is: how much longer are you going to let this run your life? She broke up with you-leave her to her games and go NC.

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Thanks amicon. I don't want this to go any longer if she keeps acting this way. I was just asking, am I wrong in what I said/did? I don't think I did anything wrong here and I just want to hear someone else's opinion.

No you spoke your piece like an adult -nothing wrong there. But when its not going anywhere its time to regroup.

You expressed yourself, and what more evidence do you need to leave her alone, and stop talking to her??