Ive been with the most wonderful man for over one year and we've known each other as best friends for 3. He is one extraordinary man and I don't think I can see myself with anyone else. If I do not smarten up he will leave me because he's getting very annoyed with me, naturally anybody would at my stupidity.

It has gotten to the point he is scared to tell me about any other female, or watching a hot girl on TV, or anything remotely of that decent. Even looking at pictures of women in magazines. As far as I know I'm attractive and athletic. I was like this in my previous relationship, the guy could not take it and left me.

I do not know why this is happening seeing how I'm very outgoing, people like to be in my company, but my jealousy and insecurity is making me rotten :mad:

I almost have a heart attack if I think he's around somebody hot and checking them out. Or watching porn or someone naked on TV.

I do not know how to bring up my faith and self confidence to the level of being a woman in a relationship and not caring if he man is watching porn and if anyone else turns him on but me.
I seem to have and be everything that would help somebody in my situation, therefore I have no idea why this is occurring.


p.s BTW
He's the most respective man I have ever met


Thank you very much for the advices

You get this way because the insecurities you have. However, your on the right track of realizing this flaw but now you need to work on it.

There are plenty of self help books out there and counseling might be a good thing too (especially since this behavior have ruin your relationships in the past).

How do you view yourself? I know other people have told you that your pretty but how you view yourself matters the most.

I agree with Liz, the first step in dealing with a problem is acknowledging that you have one.

So, do something about it. I would suggest seeing a counselor, self help books are great to give you an insight into why you behave this way, but if you've already lost a BF due to jealously, you probably need some one-to-one contact with a professional.

Strong jealously like you describe is frequently based on fear - fear of not being good enough, fear of loss, fear of abandonment. In order for you to live a happy and peaceful life, and for others to enjoy you as a person, you'll need to get to the bottom of your obsessive and self destructive behavior. Start now! Good luck.

Ok, I am more old school and I believe the power is within you to relieve the grip that jealousy has on you. Have you talked to him about this? If you make him aware of what you are feeling maybe he can help you find out why you feel this way. You cannot go into this with fear of discovering things you may not want know. Love is work, and sometimes the hardest part of it is communication. Just remember, we can't chose who we fall in love with, but we can chose to walk away from those who do not love us back. If he truly loves you, he will work with you on this, which will help build up the trust that you are lacking in the relationship.

Threads merged

I have a tendency to nag and complain about things that bother me. I keep bea.ching about it to my boyfriend, it really bothers him but at he same time I have no idea how to shut up. Do I just think differently about other people and situations at work or just keep my mouth shut?

You stop and think before opening mouth.
Think what is the purpose of me saying this?
How will he take what I am saying?
Does he already know how I feel about this?

Learn to pick your battles.

You could even tell him that you want help to stop so would he please say something to stop you in your tracks if you start. Like ''time out let me explain before you go off'' or something like that.

Hi, flowerybeauty!

N0help4u has already given you some excellent suggestions! I'm wondering what the things are that you nag and complain about, please?

Thanks!

I complain about the people at work, nag and ask questions about people that my boyfriend talks to, we work together so if I get attitude from someone that he is very nice and pleasant to( female) I ask him who the hell does she think he is in a nagging tone, he gets very angry and annoyed

Nohelp is right, learn when to shut up, and think first.

Acceptance is the first step. You know that you have a problem. You've gotten some great advice on how to change the problem. Now it's up to you to take the next step and put a strong effort to stop nagging, stop gossiping, and to learn to build a closer more trusting relationship with your boyfriend. Guys don't want to date their Mom's, you nagging him makes him look at you like his mom. Not good.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by flowerybeauty

i complain about the people at work, nag and ask questions about people that my bf talks to, we work together so if i get attitude from someone that he is very nice and pleasant to( female) i ask him who the hell does she think he is in a nagging tone, he gets very angry and annoyed

---

Hmm just something I picked up on sounds like you may be a bit of the jealous type too? Or am I wrong? Just curious because you have to remind yourself that he can't help the fact that you may not get along with someone that he does. I don't necessarily like all of my husbands friends or coworkers (a few imparticular) but as long as they aren't hurting our relationship or us in any way then I'd never try to keep him from them or cause problems.. it's immature and selfish in general.

Threads merged, so you don't have to start a new one about the same topic.

I would like some honest opinions and don't worry about being too harsh on me. The more truthful the better. I am what most people would call athletic, attractive with good communication skills. In relationships I am completley out of my mind jealous and insecure. I have known my boyfriend as a friend for about 3 years and been dating for half that time. He got very fed up with my insecurities and left me, and he said when your ready to grow up, call me. He is my best friend and I have no idea what to do. We have taken couple days off after an argument but this surely does not feel like it. I also work for him and I don't think ill be coming in to work for my shift.
I have no idea how long this thing is going to take, and because of my insecurities I am extremely scared during this time he will find somebody else. He is an amaing person and the reason he gets upset at my behaviour is because he truly is innocent. Does not check anybody out in front of me blah blah blah.

Example of my behaviour, I get extremely upset and grumpy if we walk into a restaurant and there are lots of beautful women around and he looks around. I have no idea why I beome like this further into the relationship, because I did not start like this.

Since my last boyfriend and I broke up because of the same reason I really don't want to lose this one like this.

Please, I really need some advice on how to handle this during my busy and strssfull life. Even though I go to school and have 3 jobs I still find the time to cry over how insecure I am as a girlfriend. Will it ever go away? I do want to have a family and lead a happy family life.

P.s I am 21 and he is 34


Just a quick thank you in advance

Stay confident!!

Do not give in to impulses like that. Take your time, and think, before you act, or speak.

Figure out why you feel that way.

Take some time and some deep breaths.

You can't control his actions. Trying to only puts strain on the relationship as you have learned.

You can sit down with yourself and really think about your insecurities, how they got started, what triggers them, and why. Maybe take a piece of paper and write them down. Beside each one think of a way to stop those thoughts before they get started. You're going to have to learn how to be pro-active instead of re-active.

You may have to go back to childhood to figure out why you have some of the insecurities that you do and why they come up only in committed relationships.

I am the last person people would consider as insecure, I have no idea how to wrap my finger around why I get very jealous and insecure when it comes to other women around my boyfriend

Is he the one 10 years older than you? How old are you two, if you don't mind me asking?

Insecurity plagues a LOT of couples and a LOT of people in general. It is something you need to work on. There has to be a happy medium between you, him and the relationship in general.

I would suggest getting to the root of your insecurity problems. This isn't an overnight fix and it is something that must be worked on with effort and determination. Talk to a counselor or other friends. People who have the same problem, whatever you have to do to fix it. It is not abnormal at all. It just takes time to fix.

I hate to say this, but you're not ready for a relationship. You're so fixated on finding someone to be with you that you neglect the one person that matters: "YOU"

You need to spend some time working on yourself. Building some self-esteem and confidence. Until you are comfortable with yourself, you shouldn't avoid the dating scene so that you don't bring your insecurities with you.

How do you go about at starting over at building up yourself esteem?

1) Try reading some self-help books: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews

2) Seeing a counsellor.

3) Going out more and meeting new people. Interacting with more people (without the thought of a potential significant other, because that is just tension, purely platonic). Practice makes perfect. So the more you interact with people, the more comfortable you will feel.

4) Keep your head up and try to think positively!

5) Smile more!

You can build self esteem by having a life that you enjoy without your partner. Then your happiness is tied to what you do, and not who your with.

You have to be happy with yourself, so you can share that with others. Another way to build self esteem, is to be your own person, and love yourself for who you are. Being proud of the things you do, and what you stand for.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and he's a lot older then me but somehow we have done okay for 2 years. We were friends before we dated so I kow him pretty well. He respects us so much he has never checked another women out.

Therefore, so far, its all m fault in the arguments that we get in.

I am desperate for some helpful advice or else he is going to leave me for sure this time. We have many fights and he tried to leave me twice but we ended up missing each other after 1 week.

I was in my own comfortable bubble of knowing where what and with who my boyfriend or my close ones were. I never knew it was a big deal until my boyfriend pointed out to me that I took away his individuality.

If I don't know where he is or what he s doing I go out of my mind.

Is there any way to get this control freak out of me without seeking counseling from a therapist?

My ex and I would usually be home if not together... If not then with family out but we would text. Eventually when she knew I wasn't around, she would go out. First she said she was in church in Jersey with her family and another time she was out with a friend in front of her house. Then it got to the last time where she stood out allll night not caring that I was worried. So I guess some people will say that's my jealousy problem, but based on the relationship we had, I say it was very disrespectful. So if things are going as usual and he is out at the same place then I would just trust him. If things happen to change weekly and he doesn't let you know then I'd say you have a problem like I did. I really wish she didn't betray me and go behind my back especially since we spoke out it before... but she broke me. Then I guess since I did it back, she broke us. I am still dealing with it. I'm sure there is a reason for all this happening to me. I will see it soon. You can only trust him if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust him... My problem was anywhere she didn't want me to go, or I wasn't around, was where her exs were... Its too much to analyze so I'm just trying to accept it now. Good luck.

I'm dating a fantastic guy, he is very respectful of women and never looks them up and down. He does not even do it to me. We have a great relationship if nothing comes in between, then we argue and lalala like other relationships.

He got a laptop and I got curious so I checked out what we were going on. I saw a little bit of normal porn, only a few links BUT it bothered me so much that a year later he wants to get another laptop and I feel like crying.

I think I'm a good looking women but for some reason I cannot even think about him sitting in his room and watching porn... hes the best man I've ever met and I cannot deal with this.

I want to be able to think about this and say to myself "oh, its just porn, no biggie!"

How do people do that? Do they work at it or is it just personality?

When he told me that he is going to get another laptop since his broke about half a year ago... the first imagine popped up in my mind was him watching porn and I almost started crying.


Please, need all the help I can get

Thank you in advance

Yes.

ALL men watch porn. There's no reason to get into the reasons because there are many and it's not important. It's the same as eating, farting, burping or even picking his nose. He does it and so does every other guy.

You just have to deal with it.

Guys are visual creatures. Just because he watches porn doesn't mean he loves you less. Unless of course it is beginning to ruin your sex lives, your pocketbook and his job.

It's no big deal, unless he is addicted to porn.

Its no ruinging anything, everything is amazing, but for some reason I just feel uncomfortable when I thinking that he is sitting there and watching it

Well all you can do is control your mind. Keep it to yourself before you make a mess out of something perfect and then you regret it in the future. If its not a problem between the two then deal with this yourself. Its good to keep a good relationship. When you get sad just come back here instead of telling him. We will help you through this. Just try to stop it because humans are humans. At least the two of you are together! Don't end up like everyone else here struggling with break ups. Stay strong and good luck!

I don't think it's a big deal.. he's with you not the girls in the movies, just let him have his liittle fantasy's because it isn't never going to happen lol.
And can I say not 'all' men watch porn, because my man doesnt:D he's just not interested its all fake anyway!

If he is so wonderful, why did you feel you had to go into his laptop? Some things are not ours to investigate. Does he snoop through your things?

No, not all men look at porn. But there is a very high percentage that does. I do, sometimes. It does not make me love my wife any less. I simply adore my wife, and she does not have a problem with it.

As J-9 stated, men are visual. Most men enjoy looking at the female form. It is a type of art if tastefully done.

I think you might need to figure out why you are having a problem with your boyfriend getting a laptop. Are you insecure? A computer provides many services. And looking at porn might take up half of a percent of his time.

That's like dating someone who has a weight problem, and getting upset that they are getting a new car, because they may use it to drive to the ice cream shop.

All you need to know is that he is wonderful, and he loves you. You will ruin this relationship if don't get over this.

What type of guy will you end up with if you don't just let it go?

My partner wants to buy a laptop soon.
I have no doubt he will use it to look up porn.

As long as he looks at it when I am not home or busy then that is fine by me... our relationship is great, he can't help it if he is horny when I am not home and needs to have a look at porn to fulfil his urges, granted I am usually bombarded with messages begging me to send him a photo of myself but he is usually denied that :p
He gets points for trying though.

As long as your relationship and sex life is good then I wouldn't worry about it at all...
Have you ever looked at a billboard or a guy in a magazine and thought "he looks good"... same thing, guys just like to see the 'whole package" whereas us girls are more satisfied with just a guy with his shirt off.

It's pretty normal behavior, nothing is wrong with that. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Better porn than cheating lol.

Hi.

I have a suggestion: watch porn with him.

That way you can see what it is he likes and maybe even reenact them. Be his porn star.

You shouldn't get jealous or whatever it is that you feel. He's basically jacking off to a screen. The porn stars don't know who he is, besides most of them wish they weren't there and they get paid to do it [unless of course he's watching homemade stuff]. Either way, it's his hand that's pleasing him no their vaginas.

...well that's what I think.
Sarah

People, please quit checking out other's person mails, emails, laptop etc. Where is the privacy?

I understand how you feel flowerbeauty with the porn. It is an addiction, and it makes you feel they have to look at someone else instead of you, that your not enough. That was the breaker of my relationship a few years ago, because it never left me, and it was a constant thorn in my side. IT caused us arguments, and I sympathize with you, it just makes you feel horrible...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sully123

I understand how you feel flowerbeauty with the porn. It is an addiction, and it makes you feel they have to look at someone else instead of you, that your not enough. That was the breaker of my relationship a few years ago, because it never left me, and it was a constant thorn in my side. IT caused us arguments, and I sympathize with you, it just makes you feel horrible...

---

Just because someone takes a drink, that does not make them an alcoholic. That goes for porn too. Yes, porn is addictive, and they have support groups for it, but I don't think this is the case at all. She said there were a couple of sites, normal stuff. If someone is a porn ADDICT, there would be several sites, with various levels of pornographic material on them. I just think that this is a regular guy who likes to peek at some naked ladies from time to time.

This is this particular guy's PERSONAL BUSINESS. It never would have been an issue. It was brought to light by someone going through his things. That's what this is all about.

A porn addiction would have been blatantly obvious to her.

People need, and deserve, some sort of privacy. This is a matter of respect. And lack of.

jmjoseph I agree with you completely.

I couldn't rate because I need to spread the rep.

Like J_9 said: "Unless of course it is beginning to ruin your sex lives, your pocketbook and his job." I see no problem.

I don't know if this helps, but I watch porn. I'm certainly not addicted to it. Sometimes I watch it daily, or a few times a day, sometimes I watch it a few times a week, and sometimes I go a month without it.

Porn is not the problem, it's lack of self control!

Sarah

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would.. its a reaction and it bothers some girls... I completely understand how she feels...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sully123

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would..its a reaction and it bothers some girls...I completely understand how she feels...

---

I disagree.

Guys whom I have dated and or known are NOT bothered by "their women" watching porn, in fact they are actually happy about it. It opens doors to experiences and great bedroom adventures.

I'm a woman and I'm pro porn.


Sarah