Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 8 months now, he is 21 and I'm 22, he still won't let me touch him sexually or see him naked, he is fine with touching me and enjoys it as much as I do, but he won't have sex with me or let me near that area. We have talked about it, he puts it down to his anxiety but I don't think that's it. I have shown and let him explore every part of me and I want to do the same, I feel we are missing out on connecting in a sexual way. I love him so much and he loves me, but its hard to think of the future when I don't know if he will change. Has anyone else come across this problem I really need some advice on what to do, I try not to think about it, but more and more it is starting to upset me, I don't blame him but I need some advice on how to help and hopefully solve this problem. Also he did have sex with someone 6 years ago and didont like it, he hasent tried since.

Hello Wow:

I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's damaged sexually. You ain't going to fix that. If you can live in a sexless relationship, stay. If you can't, go.

excon

Guess my first thought, don't laugh, are you sure he is a guy. Not a lady living as a guy.

But it sounds like he has serious sexual issues, what does he say about it, will he consider sexual counseling

Traumatic sexual experiences at 15 can mess a boy up badly. You might be able to help him work through it but he may need a professional therapist. Both would be optimal.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Guess my first thought, don't laugh, are you sure he is a guy. not a lady living as a guy.

But it sounds like he has serious sexual issues, what does he say about it, will he consider sexual couseling

---

Cant' rep you chuck, but that was my first thought too, I was thiniking that maybe "he" isnt'a "he" after all.

Geez, you haven't seen him naked? Does he look like he's got all the necessary male bits when he's got his clothes on? Does he look like he gets an erection when he's fondling you?

It's very unusual for a 21 year old guy not to be 'getting naked' with you at any opportunity... I also wondered might he be gay?

In any case, he needs professional help, I would suggest. There is probably very little that you can do to 'help' him - but the best thing you can do is let him know you're unhappy, and that unless he deals with whatever his issue is, you won't be hanging around.

It is ultimately in HIS best interests to deal with it - whatever it is!

Thanks guys, he knows I get upset about it, its getting to me more and more, I love him so much and the thought of leaving him kills me, he is the first guy I've had a proper relationship with and have falling in love with. I just want a normal relationship. The thought that he might not be a guy is quite disturbing, and how do you ask someone that? I have never felt an erection from him, though he sais he can control it,can guys actually do that is it just an excuse? He has all the cards I just don't know what to do, I have opened myself up completely too him. I guess ill just have to talk to him about it and see what happens, ill keep you posted, anymore advice would be much appreciated.

Also I've seen pictures of him as a kid and met his parents, he sure has looked like a guy for all his life, I don't think he's a girl. Just has issues

I have a couple of thoughts:

He may be male in every way except genitalia. How would you react if you found out that he has female genitalia? Would he still be the same man that you love?

He could be completely male but suffering from some type of erectile dysfunction (either mental or physical).

What happens if you try to touch him?

What bothers me is that it seems to be a control issue as much as a sexual issue. It sounds like he is controlling not only himself, but you. His 'enjoyment' may come not in the act but rather the with-holding or being 'dominant'. His 'gratification' may come later when he thinks about how he 'made' you 'perform' for him.

If I try and touch him he moves away really quickly, he won't let me near that area, even above clothes,surely if he had female parts his parents would know, and they tried to buy him condoms? I might try tellling him that I want him to know what I feel like I'm not sure he fully understands how hard it is for me, that the person I love won't let me touch them. I might try not letting him touch me, not as a spitfulll thing, but to let him know how I feel, I really want to bring it up again but I'm scared he won't try and will see the only solution as ending the relationship, I know that maybe that would be better for me, if noting were to change, but I can't bare the thought of not being with him, ahhh I just don't know what to do .

You definitely need to have a talk with him.

Does he show any 'controlling' behaviors in other areas of your relationship? Maybe influencing the clothes you choose to wear, who you hang-out with other than him, where you go on dates, etc. It may be extremely subtle like every time you suggest hanging out with a certain friend, he comes up with a reason not to such as he made plans for just the two of you. He may say that he prefers to see you in certain clothing and, if you wear something he doesn't like, tells you that you look better in his choice.

Personally... my opinion here, run don't walk away from him. Time is wasting and he has major issues to deal with that may take years if not the rest of his life to resolve (if ever).

There are better guys out there without major issues like this. You will be happier with one of them.

You don't want or need a major project like this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wow87

If i try and touch him he moves away really quickly, he wont let me near that area, even above clothes,surely if he had female parts his parents would know, and they tried to buy him condoms? I might try tellling him that i want him to know what i feel like im not sure he fully understands how hard it is for me, that the person i love wont let me touch them. I might try not letting him touch me, not as a spitfulll thing, but to let him know how i feel, i really want to bring it up again but im scared he wont try and will see the only solution as ending the relationship, i know that maybe that would be better for me, if noting were to change, but i can't bare the thought of not being with him, ahhh i just dont know what to do .

---

It's not sustainable to be in a relationship like this because it's going to take a long time to resolve and it's actually not your job to 'fix' it.

Whatever the issues are - this guy has MULTIPLE issues and love alone won't resolve them.

Sure you can talk to him - by all means do - but in the end there is something seriously wrong with him and it's seriously affecting your capacity to relate to him in a normal way.

Unless HE IS prepared to face it and deal with it, there is not much of a future here regardless of how much you love him.

Ahh I'm still trying, I have talked to him about it and basically said if something doesn't change then its not going to work between us. The thing is we are sooo in love its crazy. Im hoping the risk of losing me will make him want to change, he knows I will be there for him and no matter how long it takes I will be there. As long as things do change. The thing is, this is crazy but I love him so much I can't imagine not being with him and the thought of not being with him upsets me. Even if we arnt having sex, maybe its worth it, I don't know, I just hope something will happen soon, its so frustrating because there is nothing that I can do.
Also about the future thing your right, how can I think of our future, when there is a massive hole in our relationship. Everything else is perfect. We we shall see. Thanks for the comments

Good luck! :)

Is there a possibility that maybe secretly he might be gay, and maybe he does enjoy being with you and having your company perhaps just not with the sex. I think the other underlying feature might be that he might have something he doesn't want you to know or see.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wow87

Ahh im still trying, i have talked to him about it and basically said if somthing dosent change then its not going to work between us. The thing is we are sooo in love its crazy. Im hoping the risk of losing me will make him want to change, he knows i will be there for him and no matter how long it takes i will be there. As long as things do change. The thing is, this is crazy but i love him soo much i can't imagine not being with him and the thought of not being with him upsets me. Even if we arnt having sex, maybe its worth it, i dunno, i just hope something will happen soon, its soo frustrating because there is nothing that i can do.
Also about the future thing your right, how can i think of our future, when there is a massive hole in our relationship. Everything else is perfect. we we shall see. thanks for the comments

---

You aren't in love... you are in lust. There is a HUGE difference between the two even if they may feel the same to someone without much experience.

I haven't seen a thing posted that indicates love... but everything I have seen posted points clearly at lust.

Love is built on a solid foundation and a real relationship. Lust on the other hand is all about what you want now... it ignores everything real love is based on. Thus real love will last while lust WILL fizzle and burn out.

Why don't you just wait until he sleeps and then just casually rub your hand over his crotch to feel if there is something there. At least you will know. And you can even pretend to be asleep and moving in your sleep.

Hahaha. No seriously, why not?

There is a dysfunction here. I understand your love for him and your belief that he loves you as well, but if he loves you, why is he unable to honestly address the problem causing distance in your relationship.

I am going to agree that this relationship may very well have issues that will take years to a lifetime for this boy to deal with. You may have to make that difficult choice, unless you get some honesty.

Wow that has to be a little scary. Maybe he is just insure with his body. Can you post a picture of him so we all can see him

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lknight2010

wow that has to be a little scary. Maybe he is just insure with his body. Can you post a picture of him so we all can see him

---

I have to disagree with this advice. Whether he is unsure of his body or not, posting pictures of someone ANYWHERE on the internet without their express permission is an invasion of privacy and a betrayal of trust.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wow87

Ahh im still trying, i have talked to him about it and basically said if somthing dosent change then its not going to work between us. The thing is we are sooo in love its crazy. Im hoping the risk of losing me will make him want to change, he knows i will be there for him and no matter how long it takes i will be there. As long as things do change. The thing is, this is crazy but i love him soo much i can't imagine not being with him and the thought of not being with him upsets me. Even if we arnt having sex, maybe its worth it, i dunno, i just hope something will happen soon, its soo frustrating because there is nothing that i can do.
Also about the future thing your right, how can i think of our future, when there is a massive hole in our relationship. Everything else is perfect. we we shall see. thanks for the comments

---

I think that you're naïve if you think that this is JUST about him changing. You haven't see him naked, he doesn't get an erection, he won't let you touch him 'down there'. Come on, be realistic. Most guys in their 20's would be begging you to touch them or to get naked with them.

This is not about how much you love him, or whether you can live without sex. It's about him dealing with whatever his issue is.

This may seem a bit blunt... but with the obvious issues this boy has... and yes he is a boy, not a man acting like this... can't you do better than him? Because I think you can. Or do you want to waste the best years of your life on someone like this who neither respects or even acknowledges that they have a problem.

One day you can easily find yourself in your 40's married to a man that hasn't improved one bit and half your life is over and all of your child bearing years... just because YOU believed you could change him..

Is that what you really want?

Is it possible that he has an STD? The fact that you have never even felt an erection from him is suspicious. Perhaps he has an injury. Perhaps it is a phobia. We don't really know. We could go on guessing forever. Bottom line is, if he loves you and this is truly upsetting you, you should be able to talk about it openly and honestly, together. Let him know that this is a serious issue and that it is affecting you, and that you need an honest answer.

If that fails, I would suggest trying a similar routine of treatment on him. If he wants to touch you, back away quickly. Don't let him see you naked or feel or touch you. He will soon see how terribly empty it feels.

Also, is he religious in any way? Could also be an idea about why he keeps clear of sexual activities.

Let us know how you get on. Best of luck! :)

I thought that I had written back, obviously not. Thanks for all of your comments, but there has been a major breakthrough. Somehow, one night it just happened and now he wants sex all the time, its ironic really. But anyway we have gotten through the issue and everything is normal and brilliant. I am very much enjoying having sex again and also he is very open to experoent and stuff, he has totally changed(for the better) its amazing. Cheers everyone

Thank you for giving us an update. :)

I am very glad that everything is working out well for both of you.

My boyfriend of a year and a half, told me the other night that he gets anxious all the time about my past sexual experiences. He has anxiety issues anyway, but I don't know how to solve this problem. We love each other very much, but its either break up, or he has to get over it somehow. I have slept with a lot more people than he has and he doesn't like to think about it. I am a different person since I met him and would never do some of the things I used to. I really don't know what to do, does anyone know any effective inexpensive ways, that don't involve counciling to get rid of anxiety? Any help would be appreciated thanks

What's his anxiety over. Is it because he doesn't fill he can measure up as a lover? Is it because he thinks you are going to be unfaithful?
To be fair, If you don't want to be judge by your boyfriend on how many men you have been with prior, then don't tell them! Advise them if asked that your past relations have nothing to do with them period.
If he experiences a lot of anxiety for a variety of issues then he really needs to consult a Doctor and get some help.

It would seem to me that you are making his issues yours, and he is doing nothing about them, not even communicating and relating them to you.

I think that to have a healthy relationship, you go straight to the source of your questions by asking him directly what's up, and have the good sense to back off and re evaluate this whole thing if he cannot be forthcoming with facts.

Of course something's are very hard to understand, or even harder to express to another, but you are supposed to try, or else the relationship has no way to survive.

Start talking, and get the facts. That's the only way to have a clue as to what exactly you're dealing with.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half and I thought everything was going really well, until recently he said he can't stop thinking about the fact that I have slept with so many people before him. He has anxiety problems and this truggers his anxiety. It is horrible because there is nothing I can do to help. I am a different person to who I was in the past and my experiences with him are unique compaired to anyone else because I love him. A tacky one night stand can't even compare to making love with someone you love. I am worried that if he doesn't get over it we will have to break up. I really don't want to, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but if he doesn't get over this issue then the anxiety will ruin our relationship anyway. Please help, what can I or he do?

How did the talk go, what course of action have you decide on. Hey it took a while for the sex thing to get going, it will take a while for this too. Keep talking and working on it.

Sooner or later he is going to have to deal with himself, or get some help and guidance to help him.

My boyfriend is exactly the same! He seems to pull my hand away every time I get to the top of his leg, although he says that he does want to have sex with me on my next birthday (when I'm 21) but I think that its just down to him not being fully comfortable. Trust me, don't try and restrict him from touching you, I tried it and you end up being so sexually frustrated that you don't last three hours! Just talk to him, if he gets angry with you, then its probably for the best that you go on a break. If he understands then maybe hell talkto you about the reason he's not letting you see him naked. I tried that and it really helps/