Hey, just needed some advice on where to go next..
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We initially decided that it would be a good idea to just meet up , get to no each other like Dating rather than in a relationship so when he said ' I told my mum we were going out ' I was kind of shocked but happy, so I said to him 'are you asking for a relationship?' he said 'yes' so that's how it went.. things were great for about 2 months however now every time I would go to kiss or cuddle him now he would turn his head away, he's showing no real relationship type affection and it's hurting me more and more to the point where I asked him if I was irritating him via Text.

I got 2 replys to that message, the first was
'im just afraid of getting too close, I see all the signs n I don't want you nor I to get hurt baby :) x x x x x x x '

the wnd message was
'i mean you saying that you miss me nall kind of freak's me out a wee bit just yano :) x x x x x x x '

However, what I don't understand at all was he was the one who decided to take the relationship from dating to serious. He was also the one who told me he 'Misd' me 1st...

even though this 2nd message hurt , I decided to reply anyway stating what I have just said above, that he stated he missed me 1st and he also asked for the serious relationship. I got a reply saying :
'Thats what I'm like, I'm a mess hun. I just get cold feet babe because I'm hot den I'm cold , I'm up then I'm down :) I'm a gemini '

I explain in the next message that 'Gemini's confuse me, what does the gemini I'm talking to want'

he asks me to ring him about 15 minutes later so I call and ask what he needs and he says ' it doesn't matter, you go on to bed and ill see you tomorrow , I forgot you had work' this was at 1.30am

Today, haven't heard one thing from him.. not one . I don't no what to do?

if I stay with him how do we get through this problem , what do I need to say ? And if you guys think it'd be better to get up and leave how do I get tell him this.. I want to explain why I'd be doing it but I just can't get the right wording also I would want to say it to his face and I don't have a clue on how I'm even going to ask for that without 'freaking him out ' abit.
Im not a pushy person, if he doesn't want to be with me then fair enough that's his decision, it will hurt however there's no point in the relationship dragging on and me getting hurt more...
What do you guys think?

Could I just ask what ages you both are please?

Sure , I'm 21 and he is 29

Some relationships fizzle out and it sounds as if he's a coward who can't break it off in a decent way.
Do you want somebody in your life who blows hot and cold? Never mind if they're a Gemini.

I read your profile and see that you're a mental health nurse,so I supect your in your 20's anyway...

For me I would tell him I'm not interested in a teenage relationship,that I'm looking for a man not a boy who gives his star sign as an excuse,so call me if and when you get your act together,but in the mean time while your trying to get your head together,ill be enjoying my life... if he asks where did this come from, tell him you're a virgo,and allergic to verbal cr*p..

Or.

Ask him straight what the hell is going on.

Communication is the key in any relationship,either he is in or out,but your not willing to be played for a fool,while he decides if he is hot or cold.

That is amazing advice redhed.. thanks a lot :) I've just got my degree in mental health and on my first job.. you'd think id be able to answer this myself... ha thanks a lot

I've done this myself and it just means he's not interested in a relationship and never was. He only said that he wanted a relationship because he knew that's what you hoping to hear and you stuck around. He got what he wanted.

Leave him.

Doesn't look like he's looking for the same thing as you are. It happens.

You can patiently wait it out (but who knows how long that will be) or you can go find someone else who will feel the same way about you. I would say, find someone else and not put your life on hold for him.

No need to tell him that you're going your separate way. You can fizzle out by responding less and less often to his texts, he will get the message that you're not longer interested eventually.

Lets not forget, you went along with his ideas without a lot of questions, and should have gotten a bit deeper into defining the direction this was going to take.

Maybe you both moved too fast, or are simply just finding out things about each other that's puzzling you. Back away some, as I think this is only a preview of more to come, and you will have to figure out for yourself, whether you can deal with his fast changing personality, or not.

Stand up for your own choice here, what's best for you. Just me, I get out before I get in too deep, and do get hurt.

No more of this just going with the flow, because you already see its going to end in confusion for you.

He is protecting himself, and so should you.

The guy is 29 for goodness sake!

'i wish' said it nicely,just let this one fizzle out,send him his star sign for today... 'the sun is in mars, your lucky number is 6,and you just got dumped!'

Sorry,could not resist.

If you both aren't on the same page, it will be difficult for your relationship to continue. Yes, he wanted a relationship, but his definition of relationship apparently did not have anything to do with kissing and cuddling. Relationship can mean just taking it one step further, as oppose to jumping into physical contact right away. There's a good chance you just made him uncomfortable and scared him away because your definition of "relationship" was different than his. This is where communication comes in handy.
The next time a situation arises like this, Make sure that you have him repeat back to you what he "heard" you say and what he thinks you meant- correct any misinterpretations there may be.
Here's an example of how it works from my own experiences.
I told my fiancé I wanted him to protect me. I thought protection meant he would let me know if he saw anything I should be cautious of, and should defend me if someone was talking badly about me or harshly to me. (not that I can't defend myself, I just like the idea of him guarding me.)
To him, "protecting" could mean cussing out my family when they say something nasty, or controlling my relationship with other guys...
See how things can get confusing really easy? Practice communication, and more often then not, you will eliminate a lot of stress in a relationship.

OK so I just text and asked his what he wanted from me, where we are going..
His reply
'what do you mean?'

I say ' with us, I don't want to be freaking you out but I do want to no where I stand ?'

Him:
'i just want us to chill out, things are to fast'

I text back
'so friends.. '

No reply... :s

Do as he suggests. He has made his wishes known, now is a good time to practice communication!! You could send a text to him that says something along these lines,
"You say that you want to chill our because things are too fast. What do you mean by chill out? Does this mean being friends, or maybe letting up on the physical contact? What does chill out mean? I want this to work out, and I will do whatever it takes to make things between us work, just let me know what you are looking for and I will follow along."

See how you have jumped to the conclusion that he wants to be friends now? Maybe this isn't true and you have offended him. Maybe he thinks YOU just want to be friends when he wants a relationship without physical contact. So communicate and clear things up.

See what he responds with... could be he is thinking where did this come from, perhaps he does want to slow things down and go back to dating.

What do you want?

However the answer to that question may be out of your hands now,see what he comes back with.

I have a different take on this whole thing.

I don't think he's being selfish or playing with you or that he just doesn't know what he wants or even that he doesn't want a relationship. I think the real issue with him is your age. This guy has already been there and done that when he was your age so he knows what the deal is. He's 29 so he's probably a lot more relationship/dating savvy than you are. I'm not saying this to be condescending, but instead to give you an alternative take on the situation.

I've been dating younger girls (I'm 30), as young as 21 as well, and the thing is that I just don't take them as seriously as I would a woman of say 24 or 25+. I have liked them and had a blast and I could say that I would consider making it more serious if only they were a little older. I have had interest from them and my responses have been that I just want to date and not get serious unless we've dated for a longer time. I know this has turned them off dating me and I never missed a beat because of it. The fact that they are willing to move on to the next guy because I don't want to commit tells me that things would probably be the same if I were exclusive with them. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm having fun finding out that they really are, at that age, interchangeable.

If they were in fact willing to take it slower, much more casual, etc, then that would be the maturity I would be looking for in a younger woman. The ability to thoughtfully examine the situation, the man and herself in the context of a relationship. This would be the specific thing I would respect the most, and would probably turn my intentions into something more serious.

Your options, at 21, are plentiful and he knows it. Also, being 29 I'm sure he doesn't have a hard time getting dates with younger women. As it stands, you may be the same as the rest of them. You need to differentiate yourself from the pack if you want to date an "older" man. The only way you can do this is by displaying maturity. 6 months is too soon to pressure him to make it official and serious. All you can do is be yourself and hope that he likes you for it.

Good luck.

I didn't even want to date him in the 1st place, he got my number of a friend in work *local chip shop* before I got my job now.. Anyway he got my number without me even knowing and starting texting that way.. he pushed and pushed and kept texting even though I was being blunt because I thought he was being a bit weird.. then we got chatting through his mum because I worked with his mum on placement for uni. I really got to know him and liked what I saw... things were amazing, it was him that wanted cuddles and kisses and asked for them all the time then he went funny.. I mean I've been 'Me' from the start, he's seen that I just don't no if he doesn't like me for being 'Me' or if I've done something to annoy him.. I love cuddles and he told me he loved them too, I mean when we were getting to know each other I asked what he liked and he henced the fact that he wore his heart on his sleeve and loved cuddles and kisses and he seemed to at the start of the relationship.. he still hasn't come back with anything as of yet..

''itried''

I understand completely where you are coming from.. although I didn't pressure him into a relationship, I was happy the way things where with just dating, like meeting on the odd occasion when we were both free , bearing in mind it was nothing sexual just maybe the cinema and a kiss and cuddle or a walk out with the dogs... however it was him that asked for a relationship.. previously he asked what the difference was with dating and a relationship.. I explained dating is getting to know each other, see what each others likes and dislikes are to a certain extent however if things don't go as you would expect then no hard feelings but it just wasn't meant to be.. I told his also that when dating you can still go out and flirt with other men on a night out with the girls because nothing is official , you are just dating.. I then explained fully to him that I see a reationship as a more serious option.. it comes after you have got to know the person, it's where you get to know them further e.g. seeing each other more often than just when your bored, carry on with previous activities you both enjoyed while dating with each other, meet each others friends and see how things go on.. eventually meet the parents and also eventually things become sexual ( good bit into the seriousness) etc

So because ii have explined dating/relationship to how I preceive them both to him before I assummed when he stated that he wanted a relationship that this was what he wanted, though haven't done anything different as it would stand other than suggesting we start by seeing each other at least once a week.. that's the only other step that has been taken since he stated that he wanted a relationship.

You probably right in saying that he wouldn't have a problem getting dates as he is a good looking man however, (and I'm not being big headed here) I do get a lot of offers myself and am currently being told to wise up and stop letting him keep me on the sidelines waiting.. the problem is after being with someone for 6 months you do develop feelings for them and it is hard to let go.. I do want to be with him , id find it hard just to let go and move onto the next man..

The reason I didn't want a relationship is because I'm just out of one in which I was pregnant, cheated on , then miscarried, I was not ready for a man at all but I was willing to give it a go... if things don't work out then I don't think id be with another man for a long time.. have been through a lot that your average 21 year old hasn't been through so would find it harder to move to the next...

If you didn't want to date him, you shouldn't have given in. Now you have brought emotions into the equation and it's possible that one of the two of you will end up very hurt when this relationship ends. And I'm 99% sure it will end, just by reading your posts.

You are so completely wasting your time, and I don't care what he comes back with.

I agree with the above. Why would you waste your life with a guy that you didn't want to date in the first place, and doesn't want to talk to you now? Get out of this relationship while you can, kid, and learn from your mistakes, this is just not worth it, honestly.

So should I just say what user 'redhed' said initially then? Or will I leave it and tell him nothing , just ignore any messages I receive?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Me_Myself_I

so should i just say what user 'redhed' said initially then? or will i leave it and tell him nothing , just ignore any msgs i recieve?

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He hasn't responded after you said "just friends?", which means you've backed him into a corner. If he says "OK" to being just friends then that's that and it's more than likely over. If he says "NO", then he's probably only doing it with the intention of keeping you in the picture until he can make a more graceful exit.

After all that's been said and done between the two of you, in my opinion, nothing he says or you do will make the other person happy. It's obvious he doesn't want to be exclusive and the fact that you're pushing for answers probably crystallized this doubt for him. You should have taken it slow, 6 months may be a long time when you're 21, but at 29 it's not a lot of time at all. I think you guys are done.

Well I text and told him that I'm taking it that I'm single and when he figures out what he wants to thro a text or to call, meanwhile ill be living it up as a single girl.. . His reply was that 'your putting me under a lot of pressure ' awk well.. I'm a single girl again and plan to stay that way... as much as it hurts :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Me_Myself_I

well i text and told him that im taking it that im single and when he figures out what he wants to thro a text or to call, meanwhile ill be living it up as a single girl . . . His reply was that 'your putting me under alot of pressure ' awk well.. im a single girl again and plan to stay that way... as much as it hurts :)

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For what its worth,that's what I would have done...

Just move on,from your posts you have been through enough and need some time on your own,have fun and enjoy your life.

*** OK, so December 4th I broke up with him... New years eve a 'friend' text him a sexy joke and he replies 'come down to my house then' , she makes a point of rubbing it in my face. I didn't show any hurt or anything, in fact I'd have said I was over him and wasn't really bothered what he was saying or getting up to, to her though really I felt like I was being tore up... I got over it and didn't mention it to him nor anybody else.
February 4th I get a message from him saying... ' can we make thing work again?'
I reply
'No, you hurt me, what's going to change this time around? Nothing... '
he replies
'how did I hurt you?'
I reply
'how did you not? I mean as if igoring the last message wasn't bad enough you chat up my friend... forget it'
he replied
'i did not no that was ***** I thought it was one of my mates messing around because I didn't have the number on my phone, though whenever I found out who it was texting I told her to leave me alone... '
I replied
'whatever , she has a boyfriend who I happen to be good friends with.. if your wanting things to happen between you's I'd advise you to make sure she's single because I don't want to see him hurt'
he replied
'i don't want to be with her, she was sending me dirty messages and as soon as I find her boyfriend ill be telling him what sort of slpper he is going out with and if he doesn't believe me ill sort his face out... in a relationship and sending me messages like that f**k sake'
I replied,
'so your going to hit someone who's done nothing wrong?'
he replied
'she has had enough time to tell him about those texts, the fox has run long enough, if she'd have told him she might have had te decency to save his face. That's twice now she has said stuff and this time it looks like she has done what she has set out to do... '

long story... I managed to talk him out of hitting a person and calm down... I had a lot to say to him after that including.

'as for the relationship business, you were not up for it before, what makes you think you are up for it now? I'm not really interested I think we'll just be going around in really small circles'

his reply
'i'm up for it or I would not of text. I just got afraid last time but it's too late now, I can see that I've hurt you I now it just feels like pressure... you've hit home with a lot of the things you said tonight. I no you're a star you don't have to tell me, I got on the way I did because I did not want to get feelings again myself for you because we wanted to keep it light hearted but I guess that's out the window now. :( I can't help my insecurities hun there going to be the ruin of me that's why I get upset at night, and I hope some night I do push it too far but the only people holding me back is my mum and you, because you's are the only people who seem to ever have cared for me throughout my 30 years... I'm sorry and I hope you find happiness in what you want. You deserve it more than anyone I know... goodluck x'

Completely got to me.. I was in tears for the day after reading it, really upset me as I did say some really harsh things like ' your so typical and predictable.. a man who thinks about himself and puts plant before everything else in his life and I wouldn't be bothered with it anymore' was one of the things I said so I thought after a few hours of crying that I'd text and apologise for what I said.
he replied
'dont be, I needed a good kick in the teeth'
I wasn't feeling well so told him that I was going to sleep n said my goodnights. I woke up with the following message on my phone

' Well huni how are you feeling today? Lots better I hope :) look I'm not going to give up on us but for you , if you want to hate me or if it would help you move on then do it. If being friends is even to hard then ill stop but I want you to say the words one last time. We know a lot about each other and have been through a lot together and talking about it has certainly helped me. In all my years of the hole dating thing I've never opened up so much and I do think the world of you, I've been up all night because I haven't stopped thinking about you. Can we give it one last chance? I love you Lu. X x'

tears again.. I don't know what to do.. I'm stuck for a decision. I want to go for it but I'm scared in case I take the chance and get torn up again, get the chance threw back in my facee.. I guess I just need advise. Do you think he's being genuine or messing with my head?

It seems like he went from argumentative, to desperatly trying to "charm" you and "convince" you to get back with him by calling you pet names and basically saying, "yeah you're right." The truth is... you are right! This guy hurt you in the past, I wouldn't take a chance. It seems like a decent, long-lasting relationship isn't about to hold up when it's drowning in so much drama! And now, not only have you been hurt by him in the past that you currently will have to deal with, if you decide to start a relationship with him, you would have to pretty much ignore the fact that he sent an inappropriate text message to one of your friends.

Now you know what No Contact is all about!The more you talk to him, the more confused you get.

Let me know when you have had enough, and figure out what you want. Then maybe you will listen to the advice you have already gotten.