8 threads merged and edited for a complete story.


I am 24 years old and have been seeing a 31 year old guy for quite some time. We were together and I thought it was going well, but our families are really close so we decided to break it off before it got serious and we hurt the family. We were still friends. Things led to one another and we hooked back up 7 months later. Now things were going good. We were spending lots of time with each other. All of a sudden he said he didn't see us together. I'm confused. His actions, his behavior all say something different. My gut is telling me that its not me, its his hesitancy for a commitment. I think he's scared to get into a serious relationship. I mean we get along great. We can talk for hours without any effort. We laugh, joke around, and are physically into each other. His closest friends know about us. He told me he feels very comfortable around me and can tell me more things than he has told anyone. I don't know how to react or what to understand. Please help.

Well, maybe he is going threw something right now and he doesn't want to hurt you some how. Sometimes this comes up. All you have to do is wait for a few weeks a maybe and see if he is ready to get back to being friends with you like you used to.

How can I tell how he really feels? Are there any signs to look for to pick up signals of if he sees me more than a friend?

Yes, you do know how to react and how to respond. He's a man. You go with who he is, what he does and how he stands up for the things he believes in. These are observable by his actions.

You react to what he does... lovingly and appropriately for YOU. You don't try to "girlfriendize" him by making him be a chatty-Kathy about relationships and you DEFINITELY don't try and decode what he says into ANYTHING other than exactly what he said. Exactly what he said.

That last point is critical. He isn't thinking this stuff through nearly as much as you, regardless of what his discussions with you indicate. He's feeling his way along, like any guy. Hang out with him long enough and you can easily decode his actions, they're what you trust.

Thanks.. that makes sense.. but explain one thing to me . If he says what he feels, then why is it that one day he is telling me his friends, his family all see us together and that he feels comfortable around me.. more than he has felt with any of his other gfs. And the very next day he is like I don't see us together. Can his feelings all of a sudden change or is that just an excuse to avoid getting serious?

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Originally Posted by confusionmax

thanks.. that makes sense.. but explain one thing to me . if he says what he feels, then why is it that one day he is telling me his friends, his family all see us together and that he feels comfortable around me.. more than he has felt with any of his other gfs. and the very next day he is like i dont see us together. can his feelings all of a sudden change or is that just an excuse to avoid getting serious?

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Can feelings suddenly change? Of course they can, you don't need us to tell you that.

Can he say one thing one day and another the next? Sure, of course he can. He may not even be contradicting himself if you quote HIM exactly and in context to whom he was talking with and the exact topic of the moment. It's perfectly possible. Truly.

That's why you gauge a man by what he does, not what he says.

He could say he hates your guts, never sees you two being together, and then follow that with months and months of thoughtful, caring, doting, loving behavior.

The opposite is FAR more common and ignored by women all the time - guys who say loving, sappy things, and are absolutely horrible to the girl when you actually pay attention.

Follow what he does. Respond to that. Encourage and engage all those behaviors that say he loves you, and calmly, quietly let his verbal admonishments about not being together be said and continue on. Men are honest with their hands, not so much their mouths.

Eventually the words may match, but for now, go with what it is most reliable.

Sounds to me like he has no idea what he wants and until he decides one way or another you are wasting your time and could end up getting hurt by getting your hopes up.

I kind of feel the same way.. that he doesn't know what he wants. He is very reluctant to get into anything serious because he's trying to replace someone else. Which he cannot do, because that person is unique. Everyone is different. I consider him a v good friend and want to tell him this, but I don't want him to take it the wrong way. I'm OK with the fact we're not together anymore.. but I know he's hurting. I really want to tell him that he needs to move on and give someone else a chance.. not necessarily me. He needs to let that other person go and instead of finding someone who can replace her, he should look for someone he feels good around. But I'm wondering if I should. Or should I wait a few weeks before I say anything? Should I just ignore it and let him fig things out on his own?

Girl is that your first boyfriend or what every man will tell you what they think you will love to hear at that time to sleep with you he got what he won't from you now he is finish with you and now he is going to the next person SO HOW YOU DOING

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Originally Posted by mary lalsley

girl is that your first boyfriend or what every man will tell you what they think you will love to hear at that time to sleep with you he got what he won't from you now he is finish with you and now he is going to the next person SO HOW YOU DOING

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Lol no he's not my 1st boyfriend.. but he is my best friend. I know that I can pick up the phone rite now and he'd be there for me in a heartbeat. The same goes the other way.. so I know he wasn't in this to get something. He's much bigger than that. Its just I'm afraid ill lose my best friend as well. And I really don't know how to start the friendship back without bringing up old feelings and memories if he doesn't feel the same.

I have been going through many different threads trying to figure things out. After reading these, a thought jumped in my mind and I was wondering what others felt about it. I noticed a lot of break ups involve people coming back. I mean, the guy or the girl breaks up with the other. Then the other strongly avoids all forms of communication. Eventually the guy or girl comes back, asking for another chance. Is my assumption correct? Has this happened to many people? Did things work out afterwards? Just curious.

OK.. I've accepted the fact its over... and I think I've gotten a pretty good handle over my feelings. Now we are really good friends, and I don't want our friendship to end. And he told me to take a break if I needed and then become friends again. How long should I wait before contacting him again without losing our level of friendship?

It does happen. It usually DOESN'T happen.

Most dating relationships end with permanent separation. This isn't because either or both persons didn't/don't love or because they're not nice people. No, it's because staying together long term isn't about love or niceness. It's about compatibility.

You're going to have to date a LOT of people to find someone who is actually compatible in a way that you can stay close together. You'll like everyone you date, you'll LOVE many of them, most will be nice, some will be wonderfully sweet... and in the end all of that won't matter if you two can't make a go of it in the compatibility department.

So, don't be so hard on yourself or your dates when things don't work out. They usually won't.

The No Contact thing after breakups is smart mainly because it doesn't needlessly prolong feelings that are still there and can't be helped when the relationship doesn't really work. On a rare occasion, reconciliation at a later time does work out, but usually not. I wouldn't spend any time counting on it.

I agree. I think the worst thing you can do after a break up is hold off for them to come back. Not talking to the person should be something to help you move on, and is not a tool to bring the other person back. You may get their attention, but it probably won't be in the way that you wanted. I personally don't know of any relationships that have gotten back together after a real break up.

Many people keep no contact and move on.
If you break up and really want them back it is a gamble because they might not want to work it out after you break up.

I guess u guys are rite... its better to forgive and forget and move on. Then see what else life throws at u and pray u have the strength to handle the situation. :)

I've been friends with someone for about a year and a half now. We became really good friends.. things led to one another, we hooked up. We split after about a month of dating then were trying to be just friends. We would have little talks once a week maybe once every two weeks. We would see each other and act normal. 5 months later we started getting closer and hooked up. This time I thought it was going somewhere until we split. The way it happened and when it happened, I kind of lost a little respect for him. He told me he was confused and needed sometime and I decided I was going to keep my distance. We both wanted to stay friends. We went through a period of no communication to very little communication. I went away for a while and would sometimes get a text or e-mail from him. I came back and he started to call more often. I replied, but I never initiated a call. I just replied to his. He told me once or twice jokingly that I've become cocky and stuff. Now he called and asked me to do something for him. I know its something he hasn't told anyone else. He trusted me enough to tell me about it and ask me my opinion. Now my questions are... is he being nice only so I do this for him? Or he really does trust me? Is he trying to get close to me again or is it just my imagination? He is very secretive at times. How do I know what he really wants?

If you do not feel comfortable doing the 'something' for him then don't.
Follow your instincts.
He could very easily just be wanting you to do whatever for him and have you on a 'need only' basis where he only calls you when he wants something.
Ask yourself questions like would it take away from my time, my needs to help him
Would I feel used if he never does call again.
Can I do this for him without feeling used if he doesn't bother with me again.

You know that's dangerous. Friends with benefits has many different definitions, but you know what I am getting at. I would be very cautious about doing that "something" that you are being asked to do. It is often that people find kind hearted people and take the kindness for weakness. Can I be nosey and ask what that "something" is. It really does make a difference in the answer.

The "something" is help him research for something. He calls we talk about other thinks.. he'll ask me how I am and what I've been up to and stuff. He'll remember everything too. In follow up calls he'll ask me what happened with so and so.. and did you get what you wanted... but then we'll talk about the research. I don't mind doing it.. but just confused as to what is really happening. Is there another motive or am I just being paranoid?

Okay so maybe he thinks your smart. Research is harmless. Please don't read too much in to all of your contact with this person. Is it possible that because you have been intimate you want more than what he is able or willing to give? Bottom line is this: Is he your friend? Is the research legal? If the answer to both those questions is yes than do it. However, you need to draw the line in your mind that this doesn't mean he loves you or equal anything more than a friend helping a friend. If you are unable to do that, than don't do the research. If he is asking you for something, financial, illegal, border line wrong than he's probably not truly your friend. Your smart weigh it out.

Whether there is another motive behind his actions or not, its up to you to make sure you both respect the boundaries of friendship. If not, you can't be friends.

"research"... hehehe, yeah, I get it. Research. Hehehe.

Hey you guys! First of all, thank you for always being there. Your advice has helped me gain a lot of strength in myself and stay on the right track. Now.. here's my dilemma. Long story short.. I dated a guy, split.. was OK with it. We remained friends... chemistry clicked again.. and we dated again.. we split again and this time I was not okay. I guess, this time I got a little too close emotionally and felt like he broke my trust and lost somewhat of his respect in my eyes. Anyway, we remained friends.. but had a long period of NC since I went out of town for about a month. Just a small text or hey how are you in a few weeks. I came back.. and he started calling. He was nice and all... but then he asked me to help him with some work. I thought I was comfortable with that and said yes. Now... it seems that whenever he calls.. we talk about this and that.. he'll flirt a little and then ask about work. So I'm confused rite now. Does he really care about me at all or is it just work and he knows I'm the smartest resource he can find at this time? Should I tell him I'm getting this vibe from him? And also, I know he is dating others, and he's assumed I'm dating someone, and he'll sometimes say little things to see my reaction and see if there is a potential for us.. I've always indicated no, in the same manner.. but I never told him how I really felt after we broke up. He asked me if I was OK and I said yes. I never truly told him how I felt. I really want him to know.. but not sure if I should tell him.. :confused:

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here. I'm not even sure what you're trying to figure out to say to him.

If you can't type it out in a few sentences to US, you're definitely not ready to say it to him.

So, here's your homework, tell us again in THREE SHORT SENTENCES what you want to say to him. Let's see how that goes first.

Had to spread the love, but JB, YOU ROCK.

Sweetie, honestly, what are you trying to gain by telling him? Once you figure out whatever you feel you need to tell him, honestly ask yourself, "what is this going to accomplish?"

Lol. I'm so sorry. I guess I'm more confused then I thought. What I want to say to him is this: I was very hurt when we split not because things didn't work out, but because I felt like just the average other girl in his list. My misunderstanding and my mistake I guess, but I figured he saw me differently, but the way he left.. it broke my confidence I had in him and our friendship. Now, I accepted I was wrong, and was trying to move forward with my life.. but now that we're working together.. I really need to know what's going on in his mind. Am I just a valuable source for information, or am I a good friend, or is there something more... should I ignore all of this and continue to act normal around him (like a friend), or do I tell him?

Ok, if you've taken the stand that yes, you are friends, then what do friends do? Friends tell each other what is bothering them.

BUT, friends do not have ulterior motives. If you have an ulterior motive (for example, to get back together), I'd not recommend it.

You already know that it is dreadfully painful to try and "remain friends" because of your history. Is it better to stay a pseudo-friend and not share what you're feeling, or get everything off your chest and leave it in his hands?

That, my dear, is your choice. :)

That makes some sense. Thanks for your help! :)

(sniff) Does this mean no homework?

Lol. Nooo of course not! It means I have to study harder and figure out what I want. That's my homework! Hehe. :)

(pout) (shuffle) (doodle)

Aw... ok.

Hehe.

Say absolutely nothing until you figure it out for yourself. I hope you will stop assuming how he feels, and what he wants, and keep this professional, and leave the personal stuff completely out of the equation.

Why would you think a guy with a lot of dating, would see you as more than his other dates? Sorry, but just want you to keep it real, and not get clouded by your own feelings.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Why would you think a guy with a lot of dating, would see you as more than his other dates? Sorry, but just want you to keep it real, and not get clouded by your own feelings.

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Point well made. I automatically assumed this because I knew him for soooo long before we got involved. But, your right.. it was my mistake to make that assumption.

OK... so I know this is going to sound childish... I'm saying it in my head over and over again, and I'm yelling at myself, but I keep coming back to this. Long story short, my ex left me and is dating my friend now. Both are keeping it on the low, but its killing me. She's a great girl, but not to sound conceited at all, I know I'm better than her. But I guess my ego is hurt. I don't want to hurt their relationship, and I don't want him back.. but I do want him to want me back... is that wrong? If not, how do I go about doing that without seeming desperate?

The best revenge is to learn to be happier without the other person in your life. Anything else just makes you look pathetic and immature...

Thanks.. I guess I knew that already, but was feeling really insecure today... :)

We all get these feelings.. hell, I've had weeks of these feelings!!

Don't act on them, you'll only let yourself down.

Personally I like revenge. Sometimes I just feel people need to learn their lesson when they screw you over. But revenge is immature. Control your natural instinct to make him want you back and just move on.

As for this friend of yours, the "good girl"... She is no friend of yours. She broke the ultimate girl code.

DON'T DATE UR GIRL FRIENDS EX'S OR CRUSHES

All girls know that's just foul. I wouldn't say completely leave her alone but she definitely needs to lose some cool points.

I agree a little with Chrissy but I really hope you aren't still friends with her because what she did was wrong especially with knowing how you felt about this guy. With friends like her who needs enemies. Then she has the nerves to try and hide it from you. Don't she knows that what is done in the dark is going to come up to the light. I would give her a piece of my mind than write her off.

I know your thinking about revenge and that is a common thought for someone in your situation but know that it doesn't solve anything but only create more problems. And in the end your left with the same feelings your feeling now. Believe me especially when I give into those impulses when I was younger.

Leave them both alone and move on because after all you live and you learn and what don't kill you only makes you stronger.