All threads merged for the whole story

I'm so messed up and confused. Me and my now ex boyfriend was together for just over a year, it wasn't the perfect relationship but we grew to be close. We made mistake, mainly to do with our religion, we had sex before marriage. He broke up with me nearly 3months ago, he says he can't handle the relationship. And he has given up.

We both no that he is not ready for a relationship, he's 18. He says we need 2 fight it as it will only get worse. I really want him, so bad it hurts. Every time I try to talk about this he runs away. He doesn't want to talk about it. He won't face me and be a man about it.

I've finally cut contact after we had one night together and we realised we can't doit again. All my feelings came back to haunt me. Cutting contact is hard, I want him to realise what he has done and how much he has hurt me.

The last converstation we had was him saying that he wasn't sure if we love each other, this hurt:(. What should I do, keep hoping he will come back? Or just try and move on. Please help

Try and move on. Love is like an addiction, so each time you get an easy fix, you start back to square one. Start today, and tell yourself YOU WILL GET OVER THIS! Emotional detox, if you will. Right now your body is addicted to this, but cutting contact is the only way to move on. Whatever happens, happens, but you are in control of yourself, and that is all that matters. End the pain, and stop the suffering.

Hey you,

All right, I'm not going to be harsh or anything just step our of your shoes and into mine to understand where I'm coming from and I hope that response will help you realize and understand a few things.

First of all, if he doesn't want to work things out with you, it doesn't matter on your age, so don't try and make excuses to cope with the situation, all relationships need both sides to want to work everything out because you care or love about one another, and he says that he doesn't know if he even loves you, hmmm... another problem there.

Don't you really want someone who will give you the same love back that you give to them? I mean think about it, you wouldn't fall in love with a wall would you? I mean why love something with everything you have and get nothing back in return.

I suggest standing up for yourself, knowing you deserve better, move on, and cut off contact with him completely, no more talking, texting, hanging out, you need to cut all this off so you can get on with your life and heal from this hurt, best of luck to you.

Yours Truly,
LCM

I've cut the contact now I feel like I'm waiting... waiting for what? I don't even know myself.

Okay story so far... he's left me 3months ago... he's 18.. and decided he didn't want a relationship with me anymore, also not with anyone else. He said he can't handle the pressure of being with someone. They way he left me was crule.. heartbreaking. I never thought he could be so hurtful, to this day he still hasn't explained himself face to face. He says he blocks it out. Because he feels bad. Why has he ran away from me? From everything. Can anyone explain to this to me?

Ever since he has left me I have given up on everything. I don't care about my education, my future or myself. I have a negative attitude towards everything. I don't eat proparly because I don't care about myself. He is the opposite, he can carry on. Why am I doing this to myself when I know its not good for me. How do I get myself together again. I have exams this week and I have messed up BIG time, what can I do. Any advice?

Couple things here. First of all, creating several different threads to address your problem isn't going to help. Please, quit. We are here to help, but you have to help yourself as well.

Have you read the stickies on top of this forum? Have you checked your pulse? You are still alive right? Have you seen the sun today? It still shines right? Life is still out there, waiting for you, so regardless of YOUR situation, YOU have control over it. Give yourself sometime to heal, and then make a plan of action to get your life back together. Yes, it is hard, but it is not impossible. You have one of two choices here:

1) Let this person whom left you destroy your life (in other words, you destroy your own life, as you have control)

2) Get up, dust yourself off, and realize yourself value is more than some boyfriend that didn't care to be with you.

Everything happens for a reason, so after you get over the crying and sadness, pick yourself up and move on. The best thing to do in these situations is make yourself better than ever. Spoil yourself, work on whatever you don't like about yourself, and by all means, don't let anyone tell you you aren't good enough. Relationships end, all of the time. Nothing personal.

Long time goals. Do you have any ? Was this fella the ultimate in what you wanted?

Will he be around when you are getting your BA, or whatever you want to do with the rest of you life ?

So many questions, missy.

He is moving on and you are not. That would send up red flags to me. I would never let anyone get the best of me that way.

Give yourself a break missy, achieve no matter what

I'm writing on the behalf of a friend, she's in a BAD situation. She fell in love with this guy. He was perfect at first, loving and caring towards her. Gradually he changed, becoming aggressive. Frequently hitting her and intimidating her. This is due to his frequent drinking and drugs. Now she is 10weeks pregnant, (which was planned). The last fight they had he hurt her badly, this including kicking her stomach. From the beginning I tried to make her see sense that this man was no good for her, family and friends could not make her realise either. There relationship is on and off constantly, she will get the strength to leave, then he will sweet talk her to come back. And it always works. Advice would be great to try and help. Thank you

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this including kicking her stomach

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She needs to leave him now this not only harming her but also the unborn baby.

She needs to seek help from him straight away -
http://www.family2000.org.uk/domestic_violence.htm

Has this action been reported to the police and charges pressed.

911

There is really nothing you can do, she obviously has bad self esteem and isn't very smart (at least about this).

She is the one that needs to smarten up and leave him, if you have proof you can call the cops but she will probably get mad at you for it.

She is hard headed. So just advise her to buy 2 memorial plans NOW: 1 for her and 1 for the baby.

I've tried all this, she won't call the police, he has a hold over her

Have you tried telling other friends?

No I haven't. One mintute she see's sense then she goes back to him. Other people's opinions don't count to her, she's blind and deaf when it comes to facing reality

There is not a single thing you can do, until she is dead or so hurt she has to be carried out.

It is sad but this is very very common among abused women at some point she will believe it is her fault and she deserves it.

My mom was in a relationship with my father for 15 years. He was very abusive towards her and soon enough towards his own children.

It got so bad one day that I seen my own father put a gun up to my moms head and threaten to kill her. It wasn't until that day that she realized she needed to leave and I was already 13 years old by then.


It was really hard because my mom had left my dad a few times but every time she left he begged her back and she was stupid enough to think that everything would be OK and he wouldn't hit her anymore.


I believe another part of her was scared because she was so young when she was with my father.

Me and my sisters used to beg my mom to leave my dad. I mean literally even him hiting us girls didn't make my mom see that she needed to leave.

My father broke my nose before because he slapped me so hard and was kicking me in my back in front of a 7 eleven.


And my mom did nothing about it.

Until she decided that it was enough when he put that gun to her head. She left him and for god this time.


It was really hard for my mom because she was with my father since she was 14 years old.

He was calling begging her back but she had family and friends that would keep her in line not to go back to him.


I am glad my mom made that decision because I don't know what would have happened if we were still there.



Your friend really needs to get out of the situation she is in. somehow try and convince her to leave. Tell her she can stay with you and if she feels like she is in that week moment. YOU keep her strong and tell her she can do better then that and she don't need him.


Specially with her in this fragile state on being pregnant she is most likley going to be scared because she will want to be with him.




Being in this situation is really hard. She needs to go to the police after she leaves him and file for a restrant order.


If he is really that angry of a man . She needs to change her number. So he can't call her. If she decides she wants to go to his house for some things. You go with her. Bc if she is alone she will just go right back to him.




I hate it when people are in these situations.



Now I'm not going to say it will be easy it will be hard. Nobody is going to be able to convince her.
All you can do is be a helping hand and be there for her whenever she needs you.

But most likley in these situations she is never going to leave until she figures out on her own that she is in trouble. And with her being pregnant with his child it deffenatly won't help right now.


Or maybe she will relize that her child is at stake here.


But until she relizes this on her own I suggest that you be there for her and be a helping hand. And when she does relize it you make sure she stays strong and she stays away from him.

Thanks kitten, you're a real help. Your advice is good.im sorry about the situation you and your family was in. thank god its over. Your mom is a strong woman. My friend is reading all these posts. HOPFULLY SHE SEE'S SENSE!!

I really hope she does. I know what your friend is going through and if she really wants someone to talk to she can e mail me on myspace and I will talk to her.

Like even though my dad was really bad, the sad thing is sometimes I wish that my parents were still together because we did have good times too.

I miss it sometimes but I know deep down inside it was best for everyone because what if we never left we could be dead right now.


And you know what after my mom left my dad he evern realized that he had a poblem. And he got a counsiler. And my dad is so much better now,

He went back to college he graduates this year as a nurse. He has a great fiancé susan who I love to death and he is actually a great father now.


So in reality not only will her leaving make her life better for her and her child. But maybe her boyfriend will relize he has a problem and he needs serious help.

I hope all the best for her and I will pray that she finds a better way for her and the baby.


If she or you ever need to talk I will be on here and you can e mail me or get my myspace or something and we can talk.

I can relate to this because myself have been in this exact situation... number one let me say this girl is not stupid and she is not hard headed.
I dated a guy and oh my he was my world I loved him dearly and to this day he holds a place in my heart yet I know now I could never go back. He was great loving caring all the things a girl could dream of... he then got into drugs and changed completley he would hurt me emotionally, physically and metally myself esteem dropped drasticlly I also became pregnant and he caused me so much stress I started the process of a miscarriage and then he hit me in the stomach and that caused the complete miscarriage to take place... I knew in my heart he was doing me wrong but number one I couldn't leave the fqather of my child number two I loved him too much and couldn't ever go through with it as I left many times and he always tricked me into coming back.. the only way for this girl to leave is to realize it will never get better he isn't going to change no matter how many times she tells herself he will... she has to want to leave for her benefit and for her child's because if she don't she will lose her child just through stress and she will never forgive herself and maybe you as a friend need to explain the stress is going to kill her child... and if and when she leaves she will need all of the support from family and friends especially you.. don't criticize her as it will only make things worse but understand where she is coming from its not easy for anyone to leave someone they love and her self esteem is probably extremely low due to him and she probably thinks she is worthless and couldn't do better tell her she is beautiful... she needs her friends... all you can do is be there for her and help her realize it will never get better and she can do better... and if she leaves she has got to keep hersle fbusy and no phyone calls from him or visits nothing or she will go back... and what helped me when I finally left was when I would miss him and want to talk to him or go back I would think of all the bad... and it would give me strength to stay away she needs to think about that kick in the stomach... or the hit in the face or all the times he calls her names or tells her she is worthless... my best girlfriends were great they were miracles but my guy friends were were my angels especially the one I'm closest with because he never ever criticized me once for being with him and he helped me a lot... all you can do is be a friend and help her to realize she can do better

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Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222

im writing on the behalf of a friend, shes in a BAD situation. she fell in love with this guy. he was perfect at first, loving and caring towards her. gradually he changed, becoming agressive. frequently hitting her and intimidating her. this is due to his frequent drinking and drugs. now she is 10weeks pregnant, (which was planned). the last fight they had he hurt her badly, this including kicking her stomach. from the begining i tried to make her see sense that this man was no good for her, family and friends could not make her realise either. there relationship is on and off constantly, she will get the strength to leave, then he will sweet talk her to come back. and it always works. advice would be great to try and help. thankyou

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Do you know anyone in her family Missy? You really do need to intervene. I'm sure you are worried that you may lose her as a friend if you do, but if you care about her enough you will do it. There is an innocent baby involved here, and this man is violent! She needs to get away from this imminent danger! Call friends, family members, a minister, or anyone who you know cares about her safety. I would also suggest calling the police dept. where you live, and ask them to put you in contact with your local victims assistance unit. Explain what is happening with your friend. She doesn't even have to know that you've called. They will give you advice on how to handle a situation like this. Make them aware of the situation, because ANYTHING could happen, and how would you feel if you sat back and didn't do anything if she or her baby is hurt or worse. You have this information. You need to use that info to help! Put your friendship ahead of your reservations, and do what you need to do to help your friend and her baby. Even if it means that your friend will be mad at you. Would you rather she be mad?. or dead?

I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? Then what? He'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.

Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..

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Originally Posted by ylaira

I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? then what? he'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.

Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..

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I agree with this and I disagree people don't understand what is in this girls head until they have been in the same situation she knows she being mistreated but she is telling herself it will get better and then she is in complete denial... and she probably thinks she is worthless and can't get nothing better... or she probably even thinks the reason she is getting hurt is her fault.. noone has a right to judge people in this situation and also do you know if he threatens her if she were to leave... most guys will threaten the people she is closest to and she would rather be hurt then the ones she loves... that and she may not want to lose the father of her child... but I do agree also she has to want it to end no one else can make her not even the cops... and calling the cops won't do any good because she will deny it so that won't do any good... and it may go on for years or it may not no one can know.. if she wants to talk she can also talk to me because I have been in this situation and I will definitely not judge her at all

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Originally Posted by ylaira

I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? then what? he'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.

Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..

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Ylaira, don't hate those people. Really, please don't. That is giving up on them when all they really do need is help. They don't stick around because they are stupid people. They stick around because they have low self esteem, and most often don't know any better, and don't think they deserve better either. Yes, there are the ones that seem to be drama queens, and they just like conflict, but they honestly really don't. They are looking for someone to love them, and that's why they return. They most often know that the same thing will happen again, but there is just that glimmer of hope that it won't. Most of us know that the exact opposite will happen, and that the abuse worsens. So when you give up on them, they give up on themselves too and therefore think they don't deserve to be treated better than they are. That is why your comment made me a little upset. I've been in a relationship like this. I was in it for many years, and I had people say things like you said. All it did was encourage me to stay, as if that was my fate. People like that need people to step forward, not to back away.

I got a neighbor before where the guy beats his wife 3-4x a week. It's very scandalous since our houses are almost just a wall away. This woman got 5 kids, all just months in between. She doesn't work and depends solely on her husband's income that's why she stays. Her kids were minor at that time and she can't support them if she decides to leave. You know only when it stopped? When the woman died.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

I got a neighbor before where the guy beats his wife 3-4x a week. It's very scandalous since our houses are almost just a wall away. This woman got 5 kids, all just months in between. She doesnt work and depends solely on her husband's income that's why she stays. Her kids were minor at that time and she can't support them if she decides to leave. You know only when it stopped? When the woman died.

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That's too often what happens. That's so sad! :(

I forgot to ask Missy why her friend stays? Money? If you'll help her get a job would that help?

He has no money, and if he does it goes on drugs and drink. She has money problems but she also has help from her family and me. So I don't no why she keeps going back, love? I don't know how she can love someone who treats her like dirt

Very simple decision from the outside, difficult decision for her to make while she is on the inside.

It is a no brainer. She has to leave NOW. She has to walk out the door, and think of the baby. You then go round in a couple days with friends to collect all her stuff, and she leaves this guy to go get help.

If he seeks help and sorts his life out (for the sake of the child) then he might be able to play a part in the child's life.

She has to get out asap. If it is not now, maybe it will be when the worst case scenario happens, then she will have even mor grief to deal will.

If you're the friend, you need to sort her out!

Good luck

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Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222

he has no money, and if he does it goes on drugs and drink. she has money problems but she also has help from her family and me. so i dont no why she keeps going back, love? i dont know how she can love someone who treats her like dirt

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Yeah she probably loves him deeply it natural and we don't understand how and why people stay in these relationships but what we don't realize is they are stuck didn't you say he was great in the beginning? Which is why she started loving him and now that he has changed you can't turn off love I don't care who you are and what the reason may be... she is having a battle with herself deep in her heart she knows she needs out but he is in her head saying all the things that make her have a low self esteem and why leave she juss be alone for ever? Even though it sounds easy for you and me its not... she really is in love with this guy the main reason she can't leave and the fact its hard to say what he has told her and the fact she probably is very insecure... she can talk to me through my Yahoo at
*********if she wants someone to talk to I cacn try my best to hellp her

Thanks for your advice, you are right. You can't help your feelings and I don't understand hers. I feel frustrated with her because I'm trying my best for her, and I finally think she see's sense and then she goes back. Her family is frustrated to. She is only 10weeks pregnant and she says she doesn't feel pregnant, so hopfully when the more physical effects occure she will realise that her baby is real and needs protecting.

I find that she will say that she is never going back, but signs show otherwise. Like she will try and phone him and I will stop her. And say over is OVER.

You're a good friend but your only delaying the inevitable. She needs help true, but she will never leave until she knows how dangerous she is living and gives up hope he will change. All you can do is hope your there to call the cops, but short of trying her up, and getting a lot of people to talk to her, it has to be her decision. She is lucky to have you in her life. That in itself helps.

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On a side note to protect your privacy, please use the PM's to exchange personal information.
Thank You.

Thank you, your advice is a great help. At the moment they have separated, hopefully for good. This situation is crap, and I will always support her, that's what friends are for. Thanks again

Maybe taking her to a battered women's shelter and letting her talk to people who have been there and escaped would help her. She may feel like nobody understands her even though you and her family mean well. Advice from someone who has been there might help her realize this isn't normal and she isn't alone. Abusers destroy their victim's sense of self and that's very hard to overcome. Some professional counseling may help as well. It's very hard to watch someone go through this but unless they decide they are done being treated that way the drama will continue.

Good luck and stick by her, she really needs you whether she knows it or not.
Ber

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Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222

thanks for your advice, you are right. you can't help your feelings and i dont understand hers. i feel frustrated with her because im trying my best for her, and i finally think she see's sense and then she goes back. her family is frustrated to. she is only 10weeks pregnant and she says she doesnt feel pregant, so hopfully when the more physical effects occure she will realise that her baby is real and needs protecting.

i find that she will say that she is never going back, but signs show otherwise. like she will try and phone him and i will stop her. and say over is OVER.

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It can be frustrating and its bad to say but even though she needs her family they are not the best influence right now only because they don't understand why she is putting up with what she is and she may be getting a lot of heat from them there is nothing worse then hearing "i told you so" or to have someone nag on you about something you can't really prevent. I know when I was in her place I didn't really talk much to my family because they also were frustrated and I knew I had let them down so it made things a lot worse and then I felt like I wouldn't have no where to go... its a depressing situation that seems like you can't leave because no one does understand and you feel alone because everyone wants to give you a hard time... so what this girl needs is support she needs you but don't prreach at her because that will make it worse juss be there for her... and she NEEDS to understand she has a baby in her whether she feels it or not because if she loses the baby he will blame it on her and she will blame it on herself... has she started going to the doctor?? I juss had a little girl and I couldn't ecept the fact I was pregnant but the first time I heard that heartbeat was amazing and the first time I got an ultrasound even better... maybe you can get her one of those montors at walmart I'm not sure what they are called but they are for the parents to put on the belly and you can listen to the heartbeat at home without going to the doctor so whenever she is depressed and feels alone she can listen to it and feel like she has a reason to fight and keep going that may help...
Keep me posted on her I know whjat she is going through so I would really like to help this girl as much as possible!

OK some development here, they have been split up for about 2days? I think. A few phone calls between them but not many, she received a text saying "look after my baby for me". What a ,man, he isn't interested at all that he has created a life. What should she do now? He wants to go in the army. Don't think he will last long as there isn't any drink or drugs there. Should she cut contact as he is not interested, I'm pointing her in that direction. Is this wrong? I'm not sure. If he is not interested should she pressure him. Personally I think she would be better of without him in their lives. Any more advice please?

She has a baby to think about now! She should definitely cut all contact with him. If he chooses to have contact with his child after it is born, he will have to go through the courts, and be evaluted because of his abusive nature. Right now your friend needs to take care of that baby, which means the baby's needs have to come first, and that includes taking steps to cut all contact with father unless it concerns the baby's health.

I don't know if he will even be able to enter the army. He will need to go through drug and alcohol screening. Also, although I absolutely respect the men and women that fight for our rights, some people just should not be allowed to enlist. Some with a background of drug and alcohol abuse, that is a violent person to begin with, will only be more abusive when he leaves the army. I've seen it many many times. Domestic abuse and it's intensity increases.

It is NOT wrong for you to be telling her to stay away from this man. He could hurt her badly! He's already hit her, and kicked her in the stomach. It if starts like that, it will only increase in intensity! Her life and her baby's life are in danger if she goes back to him. She should stay very far away from him.

I believe I mentioned before to contact your local victims assistance unit through your local police dept. Also, she can get free help and support from a woman's shelter. They will help her with counselling, and other services to help her and her baby. Most will even provide free room and board until her baby is born if she needs a safe place to go.

You owe it to your friend to do all you can to keep her away from this violent drug and alcohol abusing sorry excuse for a man.

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Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222

ok some development here, they have been split up for about 2days? i think. a few phone calls between them but not many, she recieved a txt saying "look after my baby for me". what a ,man, he isnt interested at all that he has created a life. what should she do now? he wants to go in the army. dont think he will last long as there isnt any drink or drugs there. should she cut contact as he is not interested, im pointing her in that direction. is this wrong? . im not sure. if he is not interested should she pressure him. personally i think she would be better of without him in their lives. any more advice please?

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Its good that she is away but that won't last long if they continue to talk... but if he sent her a text saying look after my baby for me he's doing 1 of two things either he is done with her for his own reason or he is trying to make her fill guilty so she will come back... and the same for the army thing he may really want to go OR its to make her think crap ima lose him... and its not wrong to point her away that's what she needs... if he doesn't want to be the dad that's fine leave it as that if he does I would let him visit her with supervised visitation but I would definitlely wouldn't pressure him into bebein a dad if he didn't want to be

Reality has hit me HARD, I know there is different stages of emotions that you experience when you go through a break up, they seem to repeat a lot. But now I'm experiencing a new one, which has scared me... I see through my ex, I can see what kind of a person he is, a crule, selfish, immature person who seems to think it is acceptable to hurt me.

The scary part is that I gave ALL of myself to him, I depended on him, I made him my world,after doing all this he broke it all down. The annoying thing is, is that it is the first time I have given myself to anyone. And I though he would be the last person to treat me so bad, and make me cry so much.

There is so many questions, how/why can he do this? was it all in my imagination that we had something?

Moving on will be hard, when he has moved on so quick

I know its going to be hard to move into a next relationship without thinking back about this relationship. I will have a trust issues with the next man, I will be scared of being broken hearted again. I don't think I can doit this all again. Its to draining. Experiencing this has made me wary. Reality has scared me.

There are four stages of grief, thus when you lose someone you experience these stages (Google them if you want). The best thing to do is let these stages happen, as there is no time frame for them.

You will know when you are really on the road to recovery when you no longer harbor any ill will towards the ex. It takes a lot more effort to be mad at someone, thus it is wasted energy in the end. You will also get to that stage as well.

As for now, continue on your road to recovery, and let things happen as they may.