Ask Me Help Desk - Caught in the middle

Caught in the middle

I have a friend who is a single mother of 3. She is a wonderful lady, super mom, and loving friend. However, she is extremely hung up on one of my husband's friends. My husband's friend James just got out of a rather rocky marriage, and is not really into having a relationship. However, a couple of times they have hooked up after having a bit too much to drink. While it is not my place to say anything to either one of them (both are well over 30), I am so torn with what to do. James has said to me a number of times that he is completely not interested in her. That he just needs time to get over his ex wife. But, my friend tells me about how she dreams about him, that he is her soulmate, and how she has loved him for years and now that he is not married she is going to get her one true love. She just recently told me that she went to see a psychic who told her that she would marry an aries man (he is an aries, but come on! ) before the end of 2007. Now she is waiting for him for "forever." He tells me to tell her it is over, which is not my place, nor will I. She tells me about her undying love for him. Help how do I get out of this situation?

Leave them alone - it's NOT your business - she's set up for heart ache - so what - she needs to learn.

Tell her to handle her own business and make sure you stay as far from this drama as possible.

Yeah - stay out of friends personal business. Nothing good can happen.

Yep have to agree with both tal and cat.

It isn't your place to get involved. Stay out of it. Let them learn the hard way if need be.

She is falling way to hard for a man she hardly knows and is just out of a marriage and it sounds as though he is struggling to be honest with her.

It isn't your place to say anything.

They are both grown adults and make there own decisions.

Not only can they make their own decisions but they are old enough to pay their own consequences.

As you said they are both over 30... they are grown adults...

Make it clear to both that you are not interested.

It sounds like your female friend is really lonely and latched onto the first guy that's given her some attention in a while. If she brings him up I would change the subject immediately or excuse yourself from the conversation. Hopefully that will make it easier on you when she gets her heart broke and she hopefully won't be willing to come to you and complain about him.

Yeah - the dude - in his position just wanted a fling - happens every time - she wanted the attention.

I agree with all of the other posts here. They are adults. Your husband's friend will just have to "suck it up" and tell your friend that he is not interested. They shouldn't be putting you in the middle of this!

Thanks everyone. I totally know that I should not get involved and have not to this point. I worry about my friend getting her heart broke, but it is a part of life, so it is bound to happen. I have talked to both of them and told them to please deal with their issues without putting me in the middle because it is not fair to me, since I love them both so much. Thanks!

Good and well done

So in continuation of this wonderful saga that I want no part in-

We are having a party the night before Thanksgiving. Both are invited since they are friends with my husband and I. I just read the latest e-mail from my friend who says she is so heartbroken because she has not heard from him since they last hooked up, (a week ago). She feels that she can't even face him unless he calls her. I sent an e-mail back reminding her of our agreement and telling her again that I love her. She asked me to call him and ask him what is up. I have refused to do so. Now she believes I hate her. Could this be making her so unstable? She is usually so levelheaded and calm.

Leave her alone she will come around after she calms herself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuscany

So in continuation of this wonderful saga that I want no part in-

We are having a party the night before Thanksgiving. Both are invited since they are friends with my husband and I. I just read the latest e-mail from my friend who says she is so heartbroken because she has not heard from him since they last hooked up, (a week ago). She feels that she can't even face him unless he calls her. I sent an e-mail back reminding her of our agreement and telling her again that I love her. She asked me to call him and ask him what is up. I have refused to do so. Now she believes I hate her. Could this be making her so unstable? She is usually so levelheaded and calm.

If she is your true friend then she would understand why you don't want to get involved. I would never ask my friend to get involved if her and her husband set me up with a guy and he never called me.

You are doing the right thing here. Patience. She will eventually come around!

Do not get involved!

Stay out.

Don't let your friends tantrums sway you.

She sounds really unstable too. No wonder this guy isn't keen on her. She sounds so needy and clingy and I bit he picked it up.

Don't get involved.

Stay out.
She's probably just in a headspin because she doesn't know where she stands with your other friend.
Or refuses to see it.
She's just "temporarily" unstable.
I would still back away.
If she is trying to get you "onside" you can always suggest maybe she give the party a miss until her head is a bit clearer.
(The last thing you want is a scene at your place! )
This might subtly knock some sense into her, and help her realise she's losing her cool... and self-respect.

This is risky but I have done it in the past when the circumstances created by the two friends grew to unbearable proportions. Invite both to a pow wow with you, all up front. This is to end all attempts to use you as a messenger. Inform each that you are there only to ensure that what each has told you will be out in the open. When I did it, they surprised me by both showing up. And it worked out to an understanding, much to my chagrin. They both saw how hurt I had been but never made any gestures to that other than I was never asked to pass a message again. My friendship with both was never the same and I felt sad about that for a while but here is what I know now -- it never was going to be anyway.

Just some radical thoughts to ponder.

The only way you can get out of this situation is to ask both James and your friend not to discuss the issue with you. Tactfully inform them that you don't want to serve as their go-between.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuscany

Now she believes I hate her. Could this be making her so unstable? She is usually so levelheaded and calm.

Leave her be for abit then I would call her seeing as you value you her a friend :)

And the ending has begun... My friend in a drunked stupor called James last night at 1:30 am. He was home, in bed, and not very happy for the phone call. THANK GOD I WAS NOT WITH HER! Anyway, he told her that he was not interested, that he was sorry that things were like this, but to please not call him again. She is heartbroken because he is her "one true love." But hey at least he told her, not at the best time, I'll give you that... but at least it was said. Thanks everyone... hopefully she can make it through this.

She will.
Time does heal :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuscany

And the ending has begun...My friend in a drunked stupor called James last night at 1:30 am. He was home, in bed, and not very happy for the phone call. THANK GOD I WAS NOT WITH HER!! Anyway, he told her that he was not interested, that he was sorry that things were like this, but to please not call him again. She is heartbroken because he is her "one true love." But hey at least he told her, not at the best time, I'll give you that...but at least it was said. Thanks everyone...hopefully she can make it through this.

I think we all get "liquid courage" when we are drinking! I have a friend who does the same thing! Once she starts drinking too much I take her phone away from her! (Yes... unfortinately I am always the designated driver when we go out of town). NOT A GOOD THING TO DRINK AND MAKE PHONE CALLS!!

My husband calls it drunk dialing

Sometimes I do it... embarressing

Hi guys... I hate to keep bringing this up but I am having such a hard time with this situation again and I really could use some advice. My I am staying out of it discussion with both of my friends was working REALLY well until this weekend. We were at a mutual friend's son's 5 year old birthday and the whole gang was there. James had already talked to my friend about not wanting a relationship and ending what they were doing because he did not want to cause any undue heartache.

Everything was great at the party, until my friend hit my husband with this statement. "It is fate...James and I are meant to be together...we are both here today." To which the hubby replied "We are all friends...that is why he is here." She ranted and raved (thankfully outside) that he was not supporting her. My hubby walked away before it got heated.

Then it got worse. James had to leave early from the party due to a work function. She then took to ranting and raving at me about how I have not supported her and I obviously don't want them together because I did not MAKE him stay. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I said. He is a grown man with obligations. Her response was calling me a b*&ch and then going into the corner to sulk.

I felt so bad I could cry. I mean come on we are at a CHILD's birthday party. Must we bring our personal lives everywhere... and to accuse me of not making him stay. I was livid. Now she has e-mailed me this hurtful e-mail about how I am two faced and unsupportive. I have been nothing but upfront with her on my position on this situation. I do not want to be involved! Now James knows that she went crazy and is even more turned off then ever.

We used to be such good friends... and I am so hurt by all this that I don't know what to do anymore.

Quote:

We used to be such good friends... and I am so hurt by all this that I don't know what to do anymore.

We all learn to our dismay, the people we thought were friends turn out not to be, as sad as that is to find out, it also lets you know what she is about and you can diminish contact, and put distance between you two. Heartbreaking I know.

I think it is time you put your foot down and put a stop to this nonsense once and for all.

I think in your quest to be such a great friend you are letting her walk all over you and treat you in way she has no right to treat you.
Stand up for yourself once and for all and tell her she is acting like a child, to grow up and accept that there is nothing and will never be anything between her and james.

She probably won't like it, because it is the truth, but the longer you foot around this issues and let her carry on like this the longer you are going to feel so miserable about the whole situation.

Until you do everything in your power to put a top to her crazy actions then you are going to have situation like this!

Well, she's clearly over the top, out to lunch, and off the deep end. It's tragic, but in a way easier than if she wasn't quite so far out of line. You certainly don't need to be apologetic for telling her straight up that she's being completely unreasonable and needs to get a grip on reality.

Wow... does she think that you can "make" James fall in love with her! If the feelings aren't there... then they aren't there... PERIOD! Nothing you say to him is going to change his mind! Why she can't see this is beyond me!

I suggest you do not respond to her "hurtful" e-mail and keep your distance until she is ready to apologize to you!