Multiple threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

I just recently started dating this new girl about 2 weeks ago. Everything has been going really well. She and I have both been very excited about it and have been trying our best to see each other whenever we can.

Lil background info. She and I both work in the same place. Our scheduals are pretty much different, she works in the afternoon while I work in the morning. We didn't meet at our job, we actually met before she started working there. We only see each other at work for a couple hours a day, and when we do, we still are both running around.

Things have been going very well like I said. I have been really hurt in the past and she knows this, but I have been sadly letting it effect my mind. I keep thinking that she is going to hurt me like my last relatinoships have. She so far has been a very supportive and caring girlfriend. Sadly I don't know what to do about this. I get very jealous of other guys cause in the past other girlfriends would run off with guys when I was told that she wasn't... so now in my head I get very worried. I am trying to treat her as something new.

The relationship was very exciting for the first week, but now as things calm down and the excitement of us being together is starting to go away. I start craving more attention, even though I know I don't need it. I am not sure on what else I need to do to stop feeling like this.

We try to avoid each other at work, so we can keep our relationship on the downlow from other employees so they don't feel uncomfortable by anything. The hard part is... now she nad I both feel like we have to ignore each other... which sucks cause we both know we don.t.

Any advice on this situation and how to clear my head of these bad thoughts of getting hurt would be wonderful! Thank you

The exitment went away after just one week? that's pretty fast...

As for the thoughts about getting hurt... I think everyone that has ever been hurt in the past is a little scared that it'll happen again, and sometimes it does happen again (sorry, but it is a fact), but why let that fear ruin what you have now? Why let it ruin something thast good.

You need to push those thoughts out of your head and focus on the now. And sometimes we have to just ignore the fear and/or stop feeding it with thoughts of what if this and what if that. To focus on the present can be a good way of doing that. Also to have a little faith in the person your with.. she might end up hurting you (one day) but she might not... you never know.

As for the work situation: why ignore each other completely? You work in the same place and I assume that people wouldn't find it wired if you said hello or smiled at each other... right? Or had a tiny chit-chat now and then. There are ways to prevent it from coming out too soon, without ignoring each other completely.

Hope this was of some help!

You can't let the past dictate your future and any relationship you have is a risk.

You've been dating two weeks but how long have you known each other?

We have known each other for about a month now. And honestly she has been there so much more then any other girl has before. I am blown away by it! I just really want to keep her interested and happy. That is my main goal

Too much, to fast, crash and burn!!

Take your time and have fun getting to know this stranger, but I think you've heard me say that before. ;)

If you can stay out of the workplace intrigue and realize its to early for either of you to get carried away and keep things real, you can enjoy and have a good time. Back off at any drama as work is not the place for it.

Threads merged

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. We have been very happy together and we love each other very much.

The only problem is lately we have been fighting and arrgueing a lot. A lot more then we should be. We try and talk our ways through them and we usually always do but about a day later there is another subject to fight about. Our fights have never been bad as hurting each other. The worst is just calling each other hurtful names (which even then doesn't happen very often) She and I both come from very hurtful relationships before we were together.

Usually she and I have conflicting schedules and most of the time we only see each other at night so one of us will stay at the others apartment. The next morning early one of us will have to go to work or something so we will see each other at night again. It's like when we are happy... we don't have time to be happy because we are still recovering from the past fight. So we are unsure if we are spending too much time together. She believes that we are. So she wants to go out and do more with her friends. Or have more of her own personal time. Some how I can't help but think of that in a negative and hurtful way. Like I am annoying her. We both don't know what to do. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Yeah your spending too much time together and not getting out with friends doing things you enjoy can hurt your relationship.
You need to figure out something you both agree on. It shouldn't have to be too detailed.
Also when you are fighting try you have your say, she has her say and then you have to think of the others perspective on things and how each of you thinks is the best way to work it out. Be constructive with your differences not destructive.

It doesn't sound like you're seeing too much of each other. So if she still feels that way that could be a sign that she wants out of the relationship. It doesn't sound good to me.

Perhaps you shouldn't see each other every night. I think at least every other night would be better: that way you don't feel like you're smothering each other, which seems to be the case.

Go out and meet with friends, or just have nights alone to recharge your batteries. If you don't give each other space, eventually the arguing is going to end your relationship, and it wouldn't be pretty.

Encourage her to go out with friends: she'll love you for it!

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So we are unsure if we are spending too much time together. She believes that we are

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That's the way she feels, why not accept it?

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So she wants to go out and do more with her friends. Or have more of her own personal time

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Maybe your to needy and clingy in this very young relationship? I think so.

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Some how I can't help but think of that in a negative and hurtful way. Like I am annoying her.

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Not addressing her concerns is very annoying. Needing her attention and not accepting her need to do something else besides stroking your ego, is annoying, and selfish. That's what needy insecure, and immature people do.

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We both don't know what to do. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

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She needs balance in her life, and your not listening. Its not a knock on you, why do you take it that way?

Your sure not handling your differences in a mature way, and that's a problem. No wonder you are arguing, because your not paying attention to what she is telling you, and have a negative view of her perspective.

Is this her?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-319083.html,

You have many issues of your own to address.

Threads merged

So my girlfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. There have been times where I have blown off hanging out with my brother because of her. (and he has done the same to me). Well my girlfriend and I have had plans to go to a particular event tonight. Just the two of us, then tomorrow night I am going out with him without her. And I just found out that my brother and his friend are going to the same event as well. I had told him that his was something she and I had planned just doing together. I feel bad for saying this. Am I wrong? (he also knows that I have been having trouble hanging out with him because of this relationship)

Once everyone knows where they stand I don't see a problem,just because you and your girlfriend will be at the same place as your brother,it does not mean you have to hang out together...

Its good to have other friends and go to separate places,but if you make a plan with either of them,try not to blow one off for the sake of the other.

There isn't anything wrong with alone time with either party, but there also isn't anything wrong with everyone getting together either.

Since this was planned as a date night, I think it was appropriate that you convey that message, which you did. I would let the issue go, you have plans with your brother for the following night.

Threads merged to follow relationship from the beginning

Seems like you have a tendency to make things more complicated than it has to be.

1) If the intention is to go on a date with your girlfriend, then enjoy your time together.

2) If the intention is to hang out with your brother, then enjoy your time with him.

If you all happen to be at the same place, then treat it as a coincidence and not as a problem. Stick with your original commitment of who you initialliy planned to hang out with.

Dude, if you see your brother at the event, give him the thumbs up, and take your date to another spot, and groove with just her. No biggie.

Make her your special focus.

Threads merged

I am not sure if this is the right place to ask this question.

My girlfriend and I are going to both be away from home this holiday season for we are both in an internship. I am trying ot think of several ideas to help us both have a great Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is going to be much harder on her because I have my brother here and we will be spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas with him. She has been having a really hard time with it already and it hasn't even come yet. Money is also limited. Does anyone know what could be done to help her and I both have a great and Thanksgiving and Christmas?

If you could find out some of the christmas traditions that her family do and incorporate them into your own christmas.

Put together a photo album of her family and your family.

Start your own traditions.

Set up a web cam for her and her family.. contact her family and see if its possible.

Threads merged

I have been with my current girlfriend for almost 10 months now. I care about her a lot as she does for me. We have both had a lot going in our lives during this time. We are both working at an internship that makes very little money and very long hours. Usually our hours are from 2:00 PM - 1:00 AM roughly. We do not work together and we do have some time during the morning (if we wake up early) or after we get off (if we stay up till 3AM) to hang out. We don't have many friends. I have my brother here and she only has me. The only friends we both had left when we extended our internship.

Things have been piling up in both of our lives and we soon go home (which is a long distance away from each other) at the beginning of the year. (month and 1/2).

Lately she and I have been arguing a lot and fighting. Her father recently got admitted to the hospital for a heart attack and hitting his head badly. She is suffering from that while trying to balance out 2 online classes while doing work. We make time together for each other but she is just never happy, which in turn has been making me miserable. She has a problem with me going to bars with my brother (I am 21 she is 20) because of how drinking has effected men in her past relationships. So I agree not to go. I don't get to see my brother very often and when we all get together, they both don't get along, or she is miserable because she is tired and has a lot going on.


I want to be able to be ME in this relationship, and make her happy and myself. But being able to balance out everyhing (also my dad just got laid off so I will be moving somewhere new when I am done with my internship). She is nervous about the kind of guy I am going to be when we go our own ways. But I won't hurt her, but she is so scared of that. She doesn't like my hobbies which is mountian biking, she feels it is childish and something I should grow out of... which I haven't been able to do because of where I live for the last 2 years, and soon will be able to again.

We argue. We fight. We both want to make this better and stronger. But how? She wants to be with me all the free time we have, which is very little and I also need time to spend with my brother (that can't be drinking) and also have my own time.

Please any help here would be great!

Your girlfriend seems really insecure. I know you'd like to be you, but it will take time for her to get that secure feeling, especially with her past experiences. You may need to be the one that bends a little for now. There's a lot of men out there that would love to have a woman who wants to be around them all the time. After she feels good about the relationship and secure in the feeling that you're not going to find someone else, then you can slowly ease into some of your old habits again. :p

From what you have written, I am getting the feeling that she is hiding from the world when she isn't busy with the classes or work. I really think she needs a neutral party to talk to about her stresses (father, work, school, relationship, etc.). Unfortunately, you can't make her happy. She has to do that. She has to want that.

Are those hours seven days a week or do you have days off?

Does she ever get out just to enjoy herself? Does she have any hobbies that help release the stress she is under?

Is there any way to encourage her to make new friends? Does your brother have any female friends who could encourage her to get out of the house to maybe go to the beach or a park and just hang out?

On the mountain biking, does she really find it childish or is she afraid that you will get injured? Sometimes, we lash out at things because they are a part of a larger fear.

It may seem strange, but have you shown her AMHD.

I have been with this girl for almost 10 months now. I am 21 and she is 20. Things with her and my brother have been hard because they do not see eye to eye. She and I have been fighting and argueing a lot lately. (for the past month almost). We are both in an internship and at the beginning of the year we both move back home. (which will be over 1000 miles away from one another). I care about this girl a lot and I am recently having to choose driving up with her and then flying home to my home town a couple of days later, or flying out from here. Recently I am very unclear about what I should do.

The reasons we have been fighting is because she has a hard time trusting me because of things that have happened in her past. (exboyfriend cheating on her, and even abusive relationships with her dad. I have reassured her that I am not those guys and I will not cheat, or drink heavily all the time. But I am 21 and I would like to drink from time to time. She had helped me out with issues in my last relationship but it now seems that the tables have been turned. She needs to hear from me (texting or calling) constantly. I have been able to get her OK with me going an hour, but nothing more. She thinks that in a relationship we should always been talking. Idk know why, but I do not agree. I have a hard time standing up for myself because she finds ways to make things seem like they are my fault, or I feel bad and stop fighting.

We have very little time together because of our scheduals and when we are together we are trying to make things better. I do not want to hurt this girl, but I feel like I cannot stand up for myself or do what I want to do. She has been trying very hard to get over her insecurities and when I get upset and tell her I can't do it, she makes me feel bad saying that she helped me with mine. I want to be with her but I also need to be my own person, and I need the way she is treating me to stop, but I do not know how to help her. Can anyone please help me?

I have done a long-distance relationship for a year before. And it is clear to me that your girlfriend is not ready for a relationship right now. She has so many insecurities and is very needy, which are two of the deadliest sins of dating. She also has trust issues- and because she does, in my opinion, this relationship will not last- especially since it is long-distance. It takes a lot of effort to make long distance work... She is not willing to let you be yourself, which is what you need in order to gain some self confidence which leads me to my next point: It also seems that you are not ready to be in a relationship either- having boundaries, knowing what you want, where you draw the line, and having self-confidence is very important. You cannot stand up for yourself and let her know how you feel, which is not good at all.
She is not on the same page as you. If you do not want to hurt her, take a break, or break-up. Both of you need to sort out your own issues past and present before you come together as a couple. You can help her by taking a break, or breaking up before things get worse and you or her end up miserable. Neither of you are ready for a relationship.

The thing is we have already been dating for about 10 months now. Physically together, and will start doing the long distance at the beginning of the year. I want to help her overcome these fears and insecurities, but I don't know how.

Before you continue with your relationship at the beginning of the year you should ask her if your relationship and closeness as a couple is based on physical presence... If it is, you need to change that. Don't ignore the elephant in the room either- there is a good chance that she is worrying about you leaving consistently (my fiancé is leaving in January as well and I will not see him for a month-) the worst thing you can do is to not talk about it. So tell her to be open and honest... Get together a calling schedule- not to over-structure your life, but so that you both have something to look forward to. This could mean you will both call each other as soon as you go to bed. Begin a book together and read the same chapter as her every night while you are away- it is very comforting to know that you are reading over the same words that your partner has that night. The Bible is especially helpfull- start reading it together. Read about what love is- keep each other connected so that you both will feel involved with what the other did that day. But as said before, it's good to keep a calling schedule- especially since she tends to call a lot. Assure her that your love can span any distance... Most couples cannot handle long-distance, so if you can overcome this, you will both be stronger and remember: absence makes two hearts grow fonder... The longer you are away, the sweeter your reunion will be.

There is only one person that can help her get over her fears and insecurities, and it's not you. It's her.

It's not your role to be her counselor, she may have helped you with some of her issues, but that doesn't mean she can now project her fears and insecurities onto you and expect you to deal with them.

You are already feeling dis-empowered by her expectations of you. You're also feeling overwhelmed by her demands and by the fact that you feel you can't do anything right.

This is not healthy and she is in fact trying to control you by making your inability to deal with her problems your fault.

Stop arguing with her. Let her know that you care about her but that you're not her counselor. Tell her that her lack of trust and anxiety are her issues, and if she wants to have a good relationship with you then she needs to get help for her own problems. Tell her that you will support her, but you don't have the skills or experience to help her.

Stand up for yourself quietly, without argument. I suspect she won't like it, but you already know what YOU don't like in the relationship. Stop trying to defend yourself and let her know that she will feel much better if she takes responsibility for herself.

Thank you. I know that you are right. I try and bring these things up to her, like the calling schedule. I have explained to her that I will always call her every night. But I do not want to be on the phone or texting all day everyday. She feels that as her boyfriend I should be texting her at least once an hour. Idk how to argue with that kind of attitude though. I have been in a long distance relationship in the past and the texting and phone calling tied me down and had me watching my life go right by me. I tried explaining this to her as well, she tells me that it was with a different girl and it wasn't nearly as far apart as she and I will be soon

Thank you Gemini. I agree. I try and explain that to her and she claims that she is trying. Let when I still go out I still get the feeling from her like I am doing something wrong, or if I come back later then she wanted, it becomes a problem. Or if I don't text her enough, or it isn't convenient to her schedule

I would like to add to Gemini's post and hopefully they agree with me-
If you DO have the ability to help or reassure her in any way, be sure that you do so. Asking for help, getting reassurance, and being able to be honest with how you feel is something that you should be open between you and your significant other. If your help to her is letting her know that she should seek the help of a counselor or trusted friend, then let her know. As I said in my first post- these are things that you need to work out individually.
I disagree with Gemini that she is not the only one who can help her with insecurity... As her boyfriend, your opinion is more than likely valued by her, and so is your advice. Since you are such a great influence on her, you can HELP her in defeating these insecurities, but she needs is the one who needs to act.

Thinking that your boyfriend should be texting or calling every hour is completely distorted- these are things that she needs to work on herself. You are NOT required to do this for her... If she cannot handle a long-distance relationship without a text every hour of the day, then she has no business being in a relationship that is heading toward long-distance.

I agree with you on the texting part. I am hoping that she will change her ideals on this but when I do bring it up to her like I have in the past she doesn't always agree. She claims that's how it should be, and I tell her no. I know that if she continues to act this way I will not be able to be happy in this relationship and have to break up with her

Fair enough. I agree that if she continues with this unhealthy thinking, you will need to leave... You do not deserve a girlfriend that is so needy- by separating yourself from her, she can move forward by learning more about independence, instead of relying so much on you and being so insecure. Perhaps a long-distance relationship is just what is needed, to challenge her and her insecurities.

I agree. I just know that if we broke up it would be a horrible mess. And pretty much crush her. It's hard

Hi jaime, re your comment...

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I disagree with Gemini that she is not the only one who can help her with insecurity... As her boyfriend, your opinion is more than likely valued by her, and so is your advice. Since you are such a great influence on her, you can HELP her in defeating these insecurities, but she needs is the one who needs to act.

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... it's up to the poster to decide what he wants to do and how to proceed, not up to you to push your point of view.

Remember, it's up to HIM to make the choice, this is what this site is about.

Well one of the things I am afraid of right now for example... while she was at work I changed my wallpaper of my computer from a picture of her (that had been on there for about 6 months now) to just a space picture I found online... I know when she comes home she will freak out on me and get upset. Then she will go home and change hers... and it will start more drama... I don't know what to tell her about this

My current girlfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months now. We met at an internship, and have been here ever since. We both leave in 2 weeks to move back home to our real lives. Which will change to a long distance relationship.

Currently we fight all the time, I can't do whatever I want whenever I want too. She has insecurities about her past that she lays out on me (such as drinking) so I can never do that because she would get very upset if I went out with my friends for a few drinks. She doesn't get along with my brother because he knows a secret about her that I had told him one night because she had broken up with me that night, so I told him everything because I was hurt. Even in spite of it being christmas she won't spend time with him even if we are able to find time to. She claims "i hurt her to much by telling him a secret and i don't want to see him until i am ready." And this happened almost a month ago.

She also get's upset if I talk to any other girls or add old friends that are girls on my Facebook or something.

Right now I am supposed to be going home with her in 2 weeks to help her on the long drive home, and then fly out from there to see my own family about 5 days later. My father (who is paying for the ticket) told me if the price difference between flying out from where I am at now, and her home is to expensive, then I will have to fly out from here. I told her I need to do whatever is the cheapest because my parents both got laid off 3 weeks ago, and I need to help them out. She just told me she will work more and pay for it herself, and I don't want that.

I told her this last night and it started a huge fight which turned into us complaining about everything else in the relationship. Such as my family, how I act, us breaking up... etc.

I have not been happy in this relationship because of how we fight everyday. It is wearing me out and making me feel miserable all of the time. She seems to be miserable too. I am not wanting to break up with her because of the holidays and it will be the first christmas she and I will have spent without our main family (even though I have my brother here). I have been telling her for months that I will drive home with her, and even once I told her I wasn't going to be staying very long, she got upset about that as well.

I have been planning on breaking up with her once I actually get back home if the fighting continues and I feel like I still have to watch every step I take. Before this happened we were doing a lot better and actually spending good happy time together. I am just tired of fighting everyday and getting treated like I am 15 years old again.
I don't want to break up with her here because if I did she would pack up and leave the internship after working for a year to complete it for nothing, and we only have 2 weeks left. I have thought about breaking up with her right before I got on the plane and saying I can't do the distance but she is the type in general that will call me 234 times until I talk to her. That one night we had broken up she called me and left 16 voicemails from turning off my phone for one night!

Can anyone please shed some advice on what I should do? She is not a bad person and I do love her, I just feel like I deserve to get treated better.

I read the whole thing and it sounds like the same girl to me so merging his threads is what will happen.

You both have been through enough and a well deserved break has been coming for a long time now.

It may be messy, and no doubt emotional, but that's the way it is sometimes.

I refer you to your own signature,

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"Yes change is scary, but it's also inevitable. It's up to you to make the best of it. It's not like opportunity is just going to fall into your lap." JD - Scrubs

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This is a move that you want to make, so get it done, and disappear so you both can heal and grow beyond this.

You tried, and it just didn't work.

You've been through a lot, and I agree that it's time for the drama to come to an end.
Do it as quick and clean as possible. Tell her it's over, and RUN!

If breaking up is what you want do it with dignity and respect and go NC and get your life back on track.

If she's going to create a drama because you changed the wallpaper on your computer, then it's time to move on. It's not working. At all. Why would you stay with her?

You fight, she doesn't trust you, she doesn't like your brother, your friends, your family, she stalks you if she can't contact you. A long distance relationship with this person is out of the question - no way they could cope!

She's insecure and needy and worst of all she's controlling. You said it yourself - you don't feel like you can be yourself when you are with her.

Firstly stop fighting. You're making it worse by constantly fighting with her. It's real easy. You just shut your mouth and you don't respond.

Secondly, tell her that you don't want to continue to be in a relationship with her. Don't argue - just tell her. Yep, it's going to be hell, it's Xmas and she'll turn it into the end of the world. I don't know when is the best time, you'll have to be the judge of that. Sooner rather than later is best!

Finally, get a new phone number and tell all your friends and your family what has happened so that can support you. You'll need to go no contact and stick to it. Be prepared to be bombarded.