Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants break

Girlfriend wants break

Hello... im going to try and keep this as short as possible but here it goes. So my girlfriend of almost three years decided about a month ago that we needed to take a break. At first she didn't really give me a reason for this break and I was terribly confused. Then recently we met and discussed things and it appears that she just is wanting to make sure that we are right for each other before we take the next step of getting engaged. However, I'm confused because I'm sure of the way I feel about her and not sure what to do next. She tells me that she might just need another week to a month to figure things out. But that she can't see herself without me and that she knows that no one else will love her like I do. What do you guys think I should do?

If you're sure of how you feel about her, then you've done your part. Now her let figure things out on her end.

What do you do next? You wait. Be patient.

She will contact you when she's ready to talk. Go do your own thing and don't just sit by the phone to wait for her to call.

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Originally Posted by howareutoday134

What do you guys think I should do?

Move on with your life. After another month or a week, she will most likely need more time, and then again more time, then before you know it you have wasted so much of your own life. I am not a huge believer in breaks, especially when it is in order to "figure out if she wants to be with me."

Thanks kc I know that I need to move on but I'm just not ready to yet... ive invested so much time into this relationship and she hasn't moved on either... we still talk regularly and I just know in my heart that it isn't over

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Originally Posted by howareutoday134

Thanks kc i know that i need to move on but im just not ready to yet...ive invested so much time into this relationship and she hasnt moved on either...we still talk regularly and i just know in my hear that it isnt over

Well I understand. Just give her some time, but in the mean time, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy your life as well. There is fun to be had, so go have it, and try not to worry about what you can't control (although I know it is hard not to worry). Good luck!

Thanks KC... im trying my best not to worry about it because I know ultimately what's going to happen is going to happen and if its suppose to work out it will. Ive just been having a hard time realizing that all the time but I'm doing my best. I'm also trying my best to keep busy and enjoy life. Just hoping that she will realize sooner rather then later that we are meant to be together or at least realize the other way so I can have some closure and begin to move on.

Anyone else have any advice?

Quote:

Originally Posted by howareutoday134

Hello...im going to try and keep this as short as possible but here it goes. So my girlfriend of almost three years decided about a month ago that we needed to take a break. At first she didn't really give me a reason for this break and I was terribly confused. Then recently we met and discussed things and it appears that she just is wanting to make sure that we are right for each other before we take the next step of getting engaged. However, I'm confused becuase im sure of the way i feel about her and not sure what to do next. She tells me that she might just need another week to a month to figure things out. But that she can't see herself without me and that she knows that no one else will love her like I do. What do you guys think I should do?

I think you need to sit down and think about what you want in the relationship and just how much you are willing to give up including time. How long are you willing to attempt to hold a relationship together without help from the other person?

Quite frankly, I think she is being selfish and thinking only of what she wants and desires and is giving no thought to your feelings and needs. To me, it sounds like she came up with an excuse to keep you tied to her that you would find acceptable and take as a promise for the future while she does what she wants to do.

If she were thinking like a partner in a relationship, she would have discussed her needs and desires with you before deciding that you needed a break from each other for her to know what she wants.

I don't think I would wait for her to make decisions that impact your life. If she isn't willing to discuss her concerns and work on them as a couple now, then she is probably going to keep 'taking breaks' whenever something gets to her in the future.

Thanks cat that's one of the things that we talked about when we got together was about how she should have talked this through with me and all before taking this break... and she agreed that she should have handled it better and if she does decide that she wants to get better that's one of the many points I'm planning on bringing up is that when two people are committed to each other that you can't just simply take breaks that you have to work out your issues

On your point about how much time am I willing to give up.. ive already thought about this a lot and if she doesn't know anything differently in the next month then I'm going to just have to move on... I can give another month up for somthin I think has a lifetime of future ahead of it

Okay, what I am going to tell you is going to be extremely hard to do and will take extreme willpower... seriously are you man enough? You love her, but she has shown some distance. You have two choices that I see. Choice 1) which I don't think I'd be able to do is to tell her that she has a choice, to either stop pulling this "we need a break" bs, or to end the situation right then and there. Choice 2) what I would do. Take advantage of this break. If your getting engaged use it as a time to be single again. Not necessarily do anything sexual with anyone, but flirt and have fun and party like you did when you were single and free. Make sure that on this "break" (and again this takes willpower) you give her a break and try not to initiate any communication at all. Make her miss you, and wonder what your doing. Stay busy and keep your mind off her as best as possible. The worst thing to do is not give her the "break" she wants. Take her telling you that "she wants a break" as a warning sign, but also as a last moments of freedom. The warning is that she's getting control of your relationship. YOU CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN

What do you mean by she's getting control of the relationship YOU CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?

Let me explain it this way. She dumped you, and put you in the friendzone, and now she has you WITHOUT any commitment. Instead of allowing her the pleasure of you being available on her terms, I think its better to disappear and stop being so available and start doing your own thing.

Needing space clear out of the blue is not a sign she still cares, and frankly, taking a break to see if she still has feelings is utter BS!

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped at least have the sense to disappear, and get your own life.

People get dumped because the romance is dead, and they don't feel the same any more. The reason doesn't matter at all, but the results are the same, you have been dumped.

Now its time to take matters into your own hands and accept it, and not wait to see if she changes her mind.

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She just is wanting to make sure that we are right for each other before we take the next step of getting engaged

Translation-Her feelings have changed but she wants you to stick around, and not move on, in case she doesn't find someone better, or she is ready to spend less time with you. This makes you an option and not an obligation and she isn't cheating because your not together.

That's BS!

I agree with Tal, this sounds very suspicious to me. Who takes a break before getting engaged? Then she says she might tell you in a week or a month what her decision is?

Extreme selfishness alert! Is this really the woman you want to marry that is so insensitive and has such disregard for you feelings? Of course she can see herself without you - that's why she's having the break!

Rockursock is sight - this is warning and she's got you by the short and curlies (as we say here in Australia).

I'd give her the break but make it very very clear that you're having one too. Then I would make myself unavailable for a couple of weeks. She wants the time, give it to her. But on your terms.

I don't know if she has changed her feelings or not, but I do know that she is treating you like a car she is thinking of purchasing instead of a boyfriend and future husband.

I am curious as to just how she intends to make her decision that you are the one. That sounds to me like she is thinking about doing more than looking around at what she would be giving up as a 'married woman'. Is she test driving a few other models before deciding which one to buy?

Its always a big red flag when a couple loses honest communications, and a willingness to work together. She has foregone both.

Hello guys its been awhile but I'm back because I need some advice... we are getting ready to talk again and I need some input on what I should try to accomplish... I don't want to be a doormat this time I want to have things I want to accomplish and questions in need answers to... anyone have any input on what I should strive to accomplish I'm about done with this bs but want to give her one more chance

Anyone have any ideas I need some help!

Any conversation that's not based on honest equal communication and which aims at the two of you being willing to work to make a RELATIONSHIP work is pointless. Can you see this happening? If not I'd not bother.

I can see things working

I'm so hurt right now I've been crying for the past day

IF you are going to meet with her, do so with a clear head. Do not allow your emotions to cloud your judgment. Have your questions written down and write down (or have her write down) her answers. Don't let her play games with you any more.

Do not allow this to drag out any more. Either you are together and working as a couple to build a relationship or you are apart and starting No Contact.

Either way, you need to allow yourself to heal and release the fear, worry, confusion, etc. DO NOT rely on her to help you heal. This is something that you need to do independent of your relationship with her IF there is a relationship. That means you take time for you and hobbies, sports, whatever helps you build up your own self-esteem and feel good about yourself. It also means that you take time to spend with your friends.

Thanks for the response cat... so you don't think its possible for people to work on the relationship without being together?

I don't even know what kind of questions to ask I'm so lost!

You should always be trying to better yourself, whether your in a relationship, or not.

Since your meeting for a talk, be ready to listen, and ask her enough questions, so you know what she is telling you, and be honest when you express yourself.

No small talk or trips down memory lane, just find out where you stand, and accept whatever feelings she has, and please don't get goofy, or emotional, and insecure and needy.

Above all, don't make promises you can't keep, about changing, and being better, as no one who has there mind made up falls for that, so essentially the only question you need to ask is she willing to work with you to keep this relationship alive, and go from there.

If you aren't together then there isn't a relationship to work on. You become two individuals working on yourselves and finding out what you want and need in a relationship and to change the behaviors that can cause problems when working with someone else. For example: someone who looks for his/her mate to keep him/her happy takes time to learn how to make him/herself happy so that in the next relationship he/she isn't so needy.

I know she is willing to work with me... its just she wants more time? How much time am I suppose to give her... it doesn't seem very fair to me

Time for what?? Sorry guy, if time is what she needs, then she is NOT willing to work with you, so you leave her alone and do your own thing.

Your right its not fair for you to be in limbo while she figures it out.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, its time to disappear from their life, and do your own thing.

But she wants to hang out with me and its hard not to want to hang out with her because I believe things can work out but I know it isn't fair for me for her to want time and to hang out with me but not be in a relationship

She also says that we are working on us

So that's why you're here telling us how happy you are.

Look dude, she put your on your life hold, and demoted you to the friend zone.

Of course she is happy with the new arrangement,t because she has a male girlfriend to hang with while she trains you to be her emotional tampon, ready for use when she needs it, but the disgusting part is, you believe whatever she tells you, and do whatever she says the way she tells you.

All because she says your working on the relationship. Your doing the work, and suffering, she is doing the dictating, and loving every minute

Wake the freak up, guy, and disappear. No need to break up, your already broken up, so have the dignity and self respect to leave.

So I shouldn't even talk to her like we are suppose to do? I should just walk away now? Not say anything to her or ask her what the deal is?

Your catching on young guy!!

You really think that I shouldn't tell her exactly how I feel and see how she responds?

No its not fair and you re hurting. Do you want to stay in this limbo for weeks and months? Do what's right for you and refuse to be part of the gameplaying anymore. She's not working on your relationship, she's using you. Don't be her doormat-let this go.

I would be to PO'D to even talk to her. I would be PO'D at myself to even want to talk to me!!

Why would u be so po'd?

I would be PO'd with the fact I gave up my dignity and self respect for a confused female who thought she could string me along and get what she wanted while my dumba$$ fell for anything she said to me.

But I want things to work out... im going to meet her and see what she has to say. Tell her exactly how I feel and that I feel like she is just keeping on the backburner and waiting until she decides what she wants and that it isn't fair to me. That she needs to decide what she wants and that I can be there emotionally for her if she can't be there for me

Let us know how that works out for you.

How do you know that she is willing to work with you as a partner to make a stronger relationship? Keep in mind that words and verbal promises are worth the paper they are written on.

I'm guessing you don't think it will work out well?

You need to look at her actions. Her actions are saying : I'm cracking the whip and you hop,skip and jump when I say so.
You need to get yourself respect and your life back.