I began a relationship with a woman last year who is separated with 3 kids. She is amazing and I love her with all my heart. We started our relationship just seeing each other at night when the kids were asleep. I met the children 3 months into the relationship and I love them too (may have been a bit soon, but everything went so well and I felt it was ok). We have had so many great times together and have gone everywhere, small vacation, amusement parks, the beach, and so much more. She has repeatedly told me how much she loves me and how she wants to spend her life with me. She said she is so thankful to have found someone that truly loves her. I truly love her too. A few months ago she said that I do not have enough time for her and that we should stop seeing each other. A day after that, she called me and said she misses me and we were back together. Her parents visited her and the kids all last month and lived in her house. I enjoyed meeting her parents and they love me too. Her mother and father want to see us together as well. Two weeks ago she said that she wants to be alone and said she does not want to see me again. She said that I did nothing wrong, she just wants to be alone. I sent her flowers the next day, may have been a bad move, but I care for her. I have had minimal contact with her over the past 2 weeks. She texted me once to see how I was doing. Last night we talked and she said again that I did nothing wrong and that she enjoyed the time we spent together. She said she does not know what happened, but she wants to be alone. She said she thinks of me sometimes, but does not want to be with someone she thinks of sometimes. She said that she just wants to be alone right now and that I should forget about her. Then she said she misses me and that we should be friends. She said she will not always want to be alone. I know she is not looking for anyone else right now and I believe she really just wants to be alone right now. I love her and I believe she loves me too. I understand that she is going through a divorce right now and her house is in foreclosure. I offered to help with anything, but she refuses any help and wants to be alone. I completely respect her for that and believe she will be a stronger woman because of what she is going through. I know there is nothing I can do but keep living my life and do what I love. I just have to ask, is there any hope for a relationship between us? She said she will not always want to be alone, but I have no idea how long she is wanting to have this space. I truly love her and the kids and would love to spend my life with her. What do you think?

What does this mean, "A few months ago she said that I do not have enough time for her and that we should stop seeing each other"?

This means that she said that I did not have enough time for her because she wanted to see me more. We did not break up three months ago. I just included this because she went from wanting to see me more 3 months ago to wanting to be alone now.

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Originally Posted by timmy_26

This means that she said that I did not have enough time for her because she wanted to see me more. We did not break up three months ago. I just included this because she went from wanting to see me more 3 months ago to wanting to be alone now.

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I'm guessing her kids will be asking about you, and her parents will too. Just because she wants to see you more doesn't mean you have to drop everything and make arrangements to see her. She's being unreasonable. She's hurting a lot of people and I'm not sure why. Can you leave her alone for a while and even go with No Contact (not answering her emails, texts, etc.)?

She wanted to see me more three months ago. I didn't drop everything to see her. I just spent a lot more of my free time with her and the children. I think that I spent so much time with her that now she wants to be alone. I am going No Contact now because that is what she wants. She wants to be alone - I just do not understand. Her parents know what she is doing and she is actually not talking much to anyone right now. She is pushing people out of her life. She just wants to be alone. She does not have any friends here either. She just tells me she is fine.

Do you think that her wanting to be alone has anything to do with her divorce? She does have three kids and she can lose her children, if in fact that her ex finds that out that you are in the picture? Do you want her to lose her children? It sounds like she does like you, but because her divorce is not over she's trying to stay away from you. Tell her that you will be there for her, but you are willing to wait until the divorce is complete.

I thought that the divorce was a reason for her wanting to be alone. It is a messy divorce going into trial. She has custody of the children and is getting child support, but the house needs to sell and assets and debt split. Her x knows about me and is definitely not happy that I am in the picture. The kids love me and I am sure he is upset that I am in their lives. If it was the divorce I would have thought she would tell me that, but all she is saying is she she has been wanting to be alone. It is like she changed over night and it is hard to believe she just wants to be alone.

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Originally Posted by timmy_26

I thought that the divorce was a reason for her wanting to be alone. It is a messy divorce going into trial. She has custody of the children and is getting child support, but the house needs to sell and assets and debt split. Her x knows about me and is definitely not happy that I am in the picture. The kids love me and i am sure he is upset that I am in their lives. If it was the divorce I would have thought she would tell me that, but all she is saying is she she has been wanting to be alone. It is like she changed over night and it is hard to believe she just wants to be alone.

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Since you are so invested in the relationship,I loathe saying this but maybe you were the rebound guy and now you have outlived your usefulness and she has realized that she is not in love with you and that she was always in "need " of you.

Either way,you need to honor her wishes but beforehand I would make it clear to her that you will not be around whenever she snaps her fingers.

It is unfair to ask you to put your life on hold ,particularity when she has not been upfront and forthright with you.There is a reason and she is either trying to spare you feelings or she is hiding something.

If it was the divorce,that is a reasonable explanation and I would assume she would tell you that.Something is fishy here and I think you need to reevaluate her sincerity.She may have been emotionally distancing herself for some time but as love is blind,you failed to see it.

You have no choice but to respect her wishes.
Rebounds are always complicated relationships and often end this way.

Yes I am distancing myself from her. She says she thinks about me sometimes and misses me, but right now she wants to be alone. Maybe I was a rebound guy, but she did so many things that showed me she loved me and cared. Right now, obviously I feel anything but loved and cared, but this is not the woman that I have known for the past year. I respect her wishes, but do you think there is any hope in the future? I will be able to move on, but right now I really do not want to and would like to try to wait a little for her. It is just very confusing to me.

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Originally Posted by timmy_26

Yes I am distancing myself from her. She says she thinks about me sometimes and misses me, but right now she wants to be alone. Maybe I was a rebound guy, but she did so many things that showed me she loved me and cared. Right now, obviously I feel anything but loved and cared, but this is not the woman that I have known for the past year. I respect her wishes, but do you think there is any hope in the future? I will be able to move on, but right now I really do not want to and would like to try to wait a little for her. It is just very confusing to me.

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If you love someone,it has always been my contention that you are excited and happy to spend time with them.

You don't want to be without them.

That is why her behavior is questionable to me.

You say you are sure there is no other guy but I would not be so certain of that.

I'm sad to say I don't see a future here.She dumped you and while it would be great to have some closure by knowing why,I don't see that happening either.

I think you need to begin to think about healing from your grief and picking up the pieces of your life.

I am an older women and have been around the block a few times and something just does not ring true here regarding her actions.I have a pretty keen eye and I just smell a rat.Any possibility she is trying to make amends with the ex,avoid a foreclosure and all that entails?

Yes I am sure there is no other guy and she has told her mother (who loves me and wants to see us together) that she wants her x out of her life and wants nothing to do with him. She simply said she is tired and wants to be alone. Yes her behavior is questionable, but if she truly loves me, which I believe she does, then when she is ready for companionship she will come back. She does say that she thinks of me sometimes and misses me and wants to be friends. Again, I am certain there is no other guy in the picture and the last thing she wants right now is a man in her life. I am doing fine by myself, content, and I love myself. My life is not depenent upon anyone else and I can move on. However, my heart is telling me that she is the one and true love waits. What do you think?

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Originally Posted by timmy_26

Yes I am sure there is no other guy and she has told her mother (who loves me and wants to see us together) that she wants her x out of her life and wants nothing to do with him. She simply said she is tired and wants to be alone. Yes her behavior is questionable, but if she truly loves me, which I believe she does, then when she is ready for companionship she will come back. She does say that she thinks of me sometimes and misses me and wants to be friends. Again, I am certain there is no other guy in the picture and the last thing she wants right now is a man in her life. I am doing fine by myself, content, and I love myself. My life is not depenent upon anyone else and I can move on. However, my heart is telling me that she is the one and true love waits. What do you think?

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I think that when someone says they want to be friends after having been in a serious relationship,they have fallen out of love and having said that,you know you can't force love.

It's there or it isn't.

I think you are holding on to something that, for whatever reason ,has outlived its usefulness,at least in her mind.

I wish I could tell you I see a hopeful future but you did not come here for coddling but honest opinions.

You could always send her an email and ask her if there is any hope for a future ,other than friendship and take it from there.

You think she truly loves you but her behavior indicates otherwise.

Perhaps you are so smitten you refuse to see the obvious.

She may have been in love with you at one time or thought she was but clearly there is no indication of that now.

Tim sorry for your pain. That hurts... not only do you lose her but the relationships you built with the kids.

Let's deal with the reality though. She dumped you and wants you to leave her alone. You seem to thrive on the fact that “her parents love me and want to see us together…” You know what Tim, her parents want to see her happy. If her happiness is without you, buddy you're toast. Ultimately her parents don't really care about you. Say it a couple times for yourself.

All you can do now is walk away. Give her what she wants and leave her alone. Trust me, the desperation is not attractive. Who knows… she may come back, she may not. You can't live on the fantasy that she will come back. I would suggest you not try to be her friend. For one you'll drive yourself nuts from the frustration and pain it causes you. Secondly, you'll be acting out of desperation again and that's the surest way to push her farther and farther away.

I know it hurts but pull yourself together and think about the reality of what's going on and deal with it. Stop acting out of emotion and desperation, i.e. flowers, emails, phone calls, texts, etc...

I agree with you. However, I have not emailed and texted and called her. I emailed her after she contacted me and the flowers after she said she wanted to be alone was a nice in my opinion - that may be seen as desperate. I have not been contacting her much, just when she initiates. You are right though I accept her desire to be alone now. I am not hanging on to false hope. I do believe that the divorce is influencing her desire to be alone now. I am not smitten and do not think the has fallen out of love. I think she is stressed out with her life right now, kids, divorce in trial, foreclosure and selling the house, and the uncertainty of all this. She has said she does not want help and wants to do it on her own. A week before breaking it off she said that she is mean to everyone and I should stay away from her. She is definitely not herself and is pushing away the people that love her - her parents and myself. And do respond to her parents not caring for me that is BS and they want to see their daughter get help. I am not the answer to the problem. She has to do this on her own for herself. I am not desperate over her and to be honest I just care for her. If she is happy without me then fine, I accept that. I am thinking that once she gets through this on her own she will be ready for companionship and possibly want to pick up the pieces in our relationship. You do not date someone for a year and instantaniously lose feelings for that person. Thanks for all the opinions. This is helpful. I am not talking to her right now - just giving her what she wants. Time Alone.

All right Tim... glad you got it all figured out. Good luck with that. We'll be right here when you need to let it all out. K.

I do not have it all figured out. I take your opinions and they are helpful. I am asking if people think that struggles in life influence their desire for companionship and love. Will divorce, foreclosure, stress and pressure do this? I just want some honest opinions and advice. Thanks

Absolutely... all these things affect your relationships in life. I'm quite sure she's under tremendous pressure & stress right now.

When I'm beset by physical/medical, mental, emotional, or spiritual problems, I tend to go inside myself and pull the door shut. I don't want people around me asking what's wrong or how can we help. It's not that I want to do it all myself, but just that I want to go through whatever it is without bothering anyone else or having to satisfy/entertain/explain to anyone else. It's hard to describe without sounding egotistical. Maybe that's what she's experiencing right now.

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Originally Posted by artlady

If you love someone,it has always been my contention that you are excited and happy to spend time with them.

You don't want to be without them.

That is why her behavior is questionable to me.

You say you are sure there is no other guy but I would not be so certain of that.

I'm sad to say I don't see a future here.She dumped you and while it would be great to have some closure by knowing why,I don't see that happening either.

I think you need to begin to think about healing from your grief and picking up the pieces of your life.

I am an older women and have been around the block a few times and something just does not ring true here regarding her actions.I have a pretty keen eye and I just smell a rat.Any possibility she is trying to make amends with the ex,avoid a foreclosure and all that entails?

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I am not particularly an older woman, but I agreee whole-heartedly with artlady because I have done this! Yes, I had a perfect man who I was in love with and was finally over my ex---not. This was a year or so ago, but nonetheless, artlady is describing everything here that I did and it sounds like your ex girlfriend is showing the same type of behavior.

If the divorce is pretty intense, then she needs to avoid you to keep from losing her children. I've seen in many news where women losing children to ex because a new lover came into the picture. Give some time.

I will re-iterate again. Her x treated her terrible, cheated, left her and her three children. He was disrespectful to her and did not treat her with dignity. It is a very messy divorce that is about to go into trial. I know for a fact that she wants nothing to do with him.

A very interesting thought. I know this divorce is extremely messy and ugly. All she says now is that she wants to be alone and does not give me a reason. She will not talk to anyone about what is going on and is bottling it up. She could really lose the kids if she is in a relationship with me? Is there any reason why she will not be straightforward about all this? Very interesting thoughts. I am just praying for her constantly and giving her the space she wants. On a sidenote, her mother thinks the divorce is the big factor in her desire to be alone as well.

It's not that she wants anything to do with him, if her ex can show to the court that she is an unfit mother because she cheated on him while the divorce is not finalized, then yes her ex can take the kids away. It doesn't matter if he was out of the house briefly and cheated, the court really cares for what's really going on during the duration of the divorce process. If someone has money, they can buy lawyer who can sway the judge. Relax, she told her mom that she loves you. Divorce isn't over until after six month, and if people get back together within that six month period than the divorce can be annulled (canceled). She's probably is being threatened by her ex. To the point, she needs time to think and think clearly to fight back her ex. So be understanding and I am glad that you've decided to give her space. Don't let others who's not quiet reading your situation get to you. It will only get you confused and angry.

Yes... yes... and mother loves you and wants you two to be together forever and ever. We got it.

So you're not being needy and desperate with her, so you're saying, now you're hitting up her parents and friends huh? Basically you won't phone her so you'll be needy and desperate with her family and friends. Hmmm... Bad move...

You know Timmy step back and take a good look at yourself and your actions. Does the word obsessive come to mind? You need to step back from this completely and chill out. Maybe go see a counselor about dealing with these behavior and emotional issues you're having.

Does it matter that he moved out and has been in a relationship the entire time with his girlfriend? I could definitely see her x threatening her and know that he does not like me at all - especially because the kids love me so much. I am not trying to create tension at all - I just love her and the children. And to respond to Imabadman: I am not "hitting up her mother" and she actually does not have any friends... literally. Her mother and I care for her and want to help her through this difficult time in her life. She will get through it alone, but since when did caring for someone make you desperate? I have given her all the space she has asked for and am not obsessed, needy, or desperate. If she is not the one for me I accept that and will still support her as a friend. I am here trying to get good sound advice and opinions. You are merely trying to cut me up and make me look foolish. I do not appreciate your foolish comments.

Timmy you surely don't need me to make you look like a fool.

timmy_26, don't let others comments get to you. Some people just don't read the thread carefully. Don't get angry, you can report the comments you don't like and have them removed.

Thank you. Whoever that is just wants to stir up anger. I have respected her and am leaving her alone - she needs space. I do not think it is wrong to care for someone and want to see them happy. I am here looking for wisdom and advice and am not here to get ridiculed. I do not understand women, divorce, and stress and the effects it has on people. I am looking for people who have been there and made it through or professionals that have advice. What has helped some of you that went through similar situations?

Yep... and some want to be divorce lawyers don't have a clue.

Timmy you actually been given several pieces of good advice. Problem is it's not what you want to hear. You want someone to sympathize with you and tell you it's going to be all right. Now why I can sympathize with you… I'm not going to tell you it's going to be all right.

Caring about a person is not being needy, obsessive, or desperate. BUT when you seek out their family, friends, call, text, etc… that is. I'm sorry if you can't understand that now. In time you will learn.

This is NOT ridiculing you… it's based upon what you wrote.


2ndTime - READ IT a second time.

Nobody can say exactly why she s acting the way she is-divorce is messy and stressful-she could be depressed-unless she talks about this nobody will know her reasons.
Getting over a marriage however unhappy it was takes time,when it comes up to finalizing the divorce it's a big part of your life that's over even if you no longer love your ex-to-be.
And its up to you how long you want to wait around for her to (possibly) start talking to you again.

Hey, I told you I have talked to her a few times and it is when she initiates the conversation. Is it wrong to talk to her mother? Is it wrong to care about her? Is it wrong to want her to be happy? Hey man, she is going through one of the toughest things someone can go through. I know that all you are here to tell me is that it's over, get a life, and move on. I already said that I accept the fact that she wants to be alone now. If she is not the one for me I accept that too. I am not in denial - I understand that as of now it is over. Do I hope that I will see her again - of course. I am doing the things I love and living my life as I did before I met her. I do not have all the answers and am looking for advice. You said what you have to say, now you can stop.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Nobody can say exactly why she s acting the way she is-divorce is messy and stressful-she could be depressed-unless she talks about this nobody will know her reasons.
Getting over a marriage however unhappy it was takes time,when it comes up to finalizing the divorce its a big part of your life thats over even if you no longer love your ex-to-be.
And its up to you how long you want to wait around for her to (possibly) start talking to you again.

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I agree with you too, she is getting over her marriage, finalizing a messy divorce in trial, and going through an very emotional time. She clearly does not want a man in her life right now. If she starts to talk to me again that would be great, if not life goes on. I told her that I am here for you and she knows that. And again you are right, you can speculate all you want on why she is acting the way she is, but she is the only one that knows the answer to that. It helps hearing from people's thoughts and opinions though.

I just talked to her tonight. She initiated the conversation. We just talked about our day and our lives. She ended up saying that she misses me and said I would see her. I am confused as to what is going on. We have not seen each other in two weeks and have spent very limited time talking. Is the space showing her how much she misses and loves me? What should my next move be?

There again nobody knows but her -yes she probably misses you but my concern here is that you re allowing yourself to stay in limbo waiting for something that may never happen, and that's not a good place to be.

I understand the concern. Being in limbo is not a good place to be. It has only been a couple weeks and it is not killing me. I am doing the things I love to occupy my time and respecting her desire to be alone. If she wants to see me again that would be great. If not life goes on. I am willing to wait for her to straighten herself out. I just do not know the time frame and am not going to pressure her at all. Seems like she has to find herself.

So she wanted to go out for dinner tonight, but I had work. Seems like she wants to meet me. However, she is still very distant and not talking to me much. I am so confused.

When I first read this post, I thought it was someone I knew! I was in a very similar situation.

But, just switch it around... I am the separated woman with three kids, am going through foreclosure, BK, divorce threats (ended because we separated)...

I wish I had a man like you that cared even in the midst of all the trouble. I saw someone when I was separated. We had a wonderful relationship like you did. Then, I found myself in limbo with him when he got involved with someone else.

You stated, "I am asking if people think that struggles in life influence their desire for companionship and love. Will divorce, forclosure, stress and pressure do this? I just want some honest opinions and advice. "

Yes, very much yes. When I was going through the divorce threats, I was so furious, because my ex husband was not around for myself and the children and could not think rationally. He made me so disgusted that I wanted to be with the other man even more!

Does that answer your question loud and clear?

Also, she may not want you to see her at her worst when she is going through such stresses... three kids is so difficult to be a single parent to and takes almost all your energy.

She needs someone to love her, but while she goes through all these emotions, she has to be respectful of your feelings.

Be loving to her, but do not be attached. That way, you can pick yourself up if it does not work out.

There is a lot of self-doubt in her mind as to why a single man would want to carry on so many responsibilities. Whatever she is going through, she will need a professional therapist to help her deal with her anger, maybe even desensitize the anger so that she does not carry it around and lash out at other people that want to help. She must feel very hurt.

Don't drag yourself into her stress. Maybe you can find some people at a local Church that can offer to help clean her home, or go grocery shopping, or watch her kids, if they are little. These things mean so much to a mom that is strugging.

You can be her friend. You don't have to be her lover now.

I agree 100% with rosemcs.

I had a long conversation with her tonight. She we started talking about our days. Then she lets talk about the things we don't like about each other. She said that I am too nice and never argumentative and asked me why. I said because I don't think its right to argue in front of the kids. I am too nice? I told her I will speak my mind more. She said she wants to be with someone. She also said she stopped taking birth control 2 weeks ago to try to stop her moodiness. She asked me if I think she was moody. I said yes sometimes you have mood swings. She didn't like hearing that. I said I was just being honest. She also told me her dream to move to California. I am 100 % supportive of moving to California and would be happy to switch jobs to live there. She said in a few years. She also said she can't seem to think past the next week now with the divorce. I said lets take it a day at a time. I want to be in your life still and am there if you need help. What I don't get is at the end of the conversation I said I would like to talk to you more. She said I told you to leave me alone, I even said its over. She just left and said bye. The conversation went well I thought, but she ended it so bitter still. She obviously is going through tons of stress and I agree with you - She is mean and angry. I still love her and we are best friends. I will be there for her despite her actions and meanness toward me.