So the other night I was thinking, yeah thinking again , and I thought to myself, "Relationship really suck, what's the point? You get to know someone, then after the lovey dovey part is gone it'll end soon, maybe a week or 35 years from that point where that lovey dovey stage passes"

Here are my 5 Stages:

Stage I: In love.
"Oh I can't wait to see him/her"
"She/he is so amazing, I think he/she is the one"
"I can't breath without you baby"

Stage II: Starting to see eachother's flaws, still in love
"I don't really like it how he/she interrupts me"
"She/he is so inconsiderate, they always eat all of the ____"

Stage III: feeling uneasy about relationships, doubts, arguements start.
"Why he/she always late and full of excuses"
"He/she is a little controlling, do I want this?"

Stage IV: arguements continue. dissatifaction in relationship
"You could really pick up the phone and call me when your late"
"Why are you always asking me questions when I come home? Don't you trust me"

Stage V: either giving it another shot or the break up.

Usually if they give it another shot it's just one huge circle and it goes on and on and on.


What is funnier to me, if one relationship doesn't work out we move on to the next and it's just another huge circle.

What the heck is the point.

Maybe I'm being a Bitter Britney or Negative Nancy... but does anyone else see it this way?

What are your opinions?

Sarah

Quote:

---

Stage II: Starting to see eachother's flaws, still in love
"I don't really like it how he/she interrupts me"
"She/he is so inconsiderate, they always eat all of the ____"

---

My wife drives me nuts with some of her decisions and personalities traits, however, if it wasn't for this balance of love and craziness I don't think I would love her if I thought she was perfect, I need someone to drive me a little nuts to keep me sane

I think most people grow up in an environment where they need to have the confidence of their convictions, this sometimes gets confused with my way is the best way - they are totally poles apart

I have a great bunch of friends who over the last few decades have taken great delight in pointing out my personality traits that I never knew, and veky verky - so now I know that I am normal, I can except flaws in others as nothing more than being human

Scito te ipsum

Hi!
I think most of us feel that way at times,but I can only say that I shall not give up hope yet. The eternal opptimist I know.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by amicon

Hi!
I think most of us feel that way at times,but I can only say that I shall not give up hope yet. The eternal opptimist I know.

---

Hope for what? To find your "soulmate". There is no such thing. Relationships are hard work to keep up. It's not easy. Falling love is easy, staying however is not.


Sarah

Hi, mudweiser!

Did something just happen in your life that's causing you to think these ways? Or, is it a pattern and/or cycle with yourself that you're just now realizing, please?

Thanks!

Having that special bond with someone, knowing they are in thoughts and you are in theirs is a great feeling , I live for that
Relationship are work, but they are rewarding, whether they are long distance, in the same city they both take a lot of trust, work... but its an investment that can pay high dividends

Love, when you are lucky enough to find it, is the most wonderful thing in the world.

When you are lucky enough as to find it, you will KNOW IT.

I wish you luck on your quest.

I mean, what is the alternative? Alone, talking to a one-eyed cat, standing in the kitchen in your flannel PJs, cutting coupons for bunion pads?

Don't give up hope. There is someone out there for you. Maybe you are looking in all the wrong places. Good hearted men do good hearted things. Like volunteering at the school, church, etc.

You'll be just fine. You're pretty, sassy, strong, and smart. Love will be in your life.

That'll be 25 dollars for the reading.

No not a soulmate-I don't believe in the ONE either just somebody who is compatible enough and mature enough to be likely to last the distance.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, mudweiser!

Did something just happen in your life that's causing you to think these ways? Or, is it a pattern and/or cycle with yourself that you're just now realizing, please?

Thanks!

---

Oh no Cloughy.

I've always thought this way.

You can fall in love so easily and then bam it hits you, love isn't easy. It's not like Disney or Hollywood makes it to be like.

How many people on her go for relationship advice:
-Oh my boyfriend is cheating [maybe]
-Oh I cheated on my wife
-Oh I slept with my husband's friend
-Oh I want to cheat on my spouse
-Oh I want a divorce!

Really, the list goes on. I'm sure if I did "fall in love" I wouldn't be saying this-- I would be like this love is eternal, oh forever... but a year or so down the road I'll be thinking what the heck was I thinking... I was right.

I bet some people reading this right now think yeah, I really wish I was out of this marriage meanwhile they are typing about how they love their spouses despite their flaws or marital troubles they had.

Really, I'm not saying let's all be alone or have sex with randoms. I just think.. darn, really, I just think relationships are pretty dumb. However, humans need that companionship so I guess it does make some sense.

I really can't pinpoint on what my true feelings are. I'm still growing and learning--- but as of right now this is what I know/think.


Sarah

So like the next guy that tells you that your beautiful, asks to get to know you, gives you that special look, brushes that piece of hair from your face, opens a door for you, takes your hand while walking, (Oh, Im out of breath) comes along... You say "sorry, I just dont see the point."
I think its human nature to want a companion in life. It's the gamble most people think is worth the risk.

I don't think that relationships aren't pointless because they give us our greatest lessons about ourselves - if we're prepared to see them. It's just that sometimes it takes a while to learn the lesson, whatever it may be!

Relationships are mirrors - that person that takes your breath away, who cheats on you or whom you later despise is an aspect of yourself. Let's face it, none of us are perfect, and we see out imperfect selves reflected back to us in the people we choose to partner with.

Some of us partner easily and for life, others of us have various partners and find the whole thing precarious and difficult. We stumble around looking for that perfect mate when he or she doesn't exist.

I think that's the point. And I'm just thinking this through quickly as I type, that none of us are perfect. If we can accept that then we're more able to accept others and love them for what they are, perfectly imperfect.

That's a great post Gemini, and mirrors is very true-life s a wonderful learning experience.

I haven't had a one-on-one intimate relationship with someone for a very long time, Sarah. It's something that's not all that important to me. Perhaps it not all that important for you either? Those kinds of relationships do take a tremendous amount of effort, work and maintenance! If I were to be in that kind of relationship, then it would take away from other things that I also feel are very important for me to do in order to realize my full potential as well as helping people in various ways. Those are a couple of reasons that the Roman Catholic Church doesn't allow priests to marry. If a priest had an immediate family because of marrying someone, part of the rationale for not doing that would be because having that sort of immediate family could potentially take away from the duties that the priest would need to have toward the parish that he would be serving.

Relationships to me though, are very important. My close, female friends are like my sisters and my close male friends are like my brothers. It's just that the everyday maintenance of a "family" situation isn't something that has been on my agenda for a very long time. I do know that I'm not alone in the way that I feel about relationships.

For some of us, like myself, who are very much in the "public" eye because of the work that we do, privacy can be relished and a precious commodity. At least that's my opinion and the way that things are in my life. When I'm out there doing the jobs that I do, I'm always "on call" and have to perform in whatever way in the "eye" of the public.

I do feel very much for those who come on this site and think that they simply have to be in some sort of close, intimate relationship with someone and look for the ways to solve the problems that there might be in those relationships. For them, it's what you might say is a "calling" in their life.

Close, intimate relationships, aren't the norm for everyone though. And, you know what? That's okay!

That's very true Clough.
It's very much OK.

Thanks, amicon! :)

I couldn't spread the "love" so soon again!

Better to of lost in love than to have never loved at all.

Me neither Clough! :-)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rockie100

So like the next guy that tells you that your beautiful, asks to get to know you, gives you that special look, brushes that piece of hair from your face, opens a door for you, takes your hand while walking, (Oh, Im out of breath) comes along... You say "sorry, I just dont see the point."
I think its human nature to want a companion in life. Its the gamble most people think is worth the risk.

---

Here here! I like this one
I haven't been on here for a while, life must be good, it seems that for me I only come onto places like this when times are hard, but I have been viewing life very differently and like most of us I have had expieriences mostly bad ones and felt that the only place to be was alone, then that way I couldn't get hurt any more.
But life has a way of drawing you out and before you know it you have slowly let down those barriers and then some people intrigue you and you want to kow more about them, then bang before you even realise it you are drawn to specific people weather it's a relationship or a friendship or whatever it may be- I have learnt that I have many flaws mostly from my relationships and that in fact I am quiet a complex person, very hard to live with, and I have found that others have some very different flaws and some of which I cannot live with, so does that make us bad people if we end a relationship or on the other hand we receive a rejection from some other person because they cannot live with our flaws! Hmm I don't know.
I have hopefully taken on the advice in the quest to make myself a better person in the hope that one day there will be someone that will accept me just as I am.
Because for the first time in my life I am accepting of myself... flaws and all

I said that I only seem to come on here when times are bad.. this time life is good. Nothing much has changed but I am viewing things from a very different place within..
This may sound very big headed and its not meant to sound that way, but I now love myself! And for me that's where it has all started to make sense...

Not sure this will help anyone but it certainly helped me

I don't think we can judge all relationships by those we deal with on the relationship boards. Like a consumer hotline, we see mainly the complaints and fears. In reality, how many people come to a help site to praise their relationship?

'Soul mates' may or may not exist, however, I do believe that some relationships are 'meant to be'. At least, their beginnings were meant to be. It is up to the couple involved to do the work to keep the relationship strong and healthy. I tend to think of it as being given a beautiful garden. The garden needs to be tended to stay beautiful. If it isn't then the garden either dies or becomes a tangled mess. As it is tended, it does change to reflect the likes and dislikes of those tending it until it is a different garden than how it began. Some trees mature and change the plantings around them. Some plants are composted to make fertilizer for the next plants.

Even after twenty-four years with my mate, I still feel the same way about him that I did when we first got together. I still find myself glowing when I think of him or he walks in the room. I still 'melt' inside when I hear his voice or he takes my hand. Through the normal challenges that marriages have, I have tried to nurture and protect the love I feel for him and to allow myself to feel loved in return. I embrace the differences that are a constant challenge to balance because those differences are as much a part of 'us' as the similarities are.

Is it pointless to put so much effort into something that could be gone tomorrow? No.

Reading this board full of relationship problems, I have decided to 'look for the good days, not the happy endings'.

I agree relationships are POINTLESS. Nice post :-)

Itsmanor: Relationships may not be easy but they are not pointless! In fact, to be in a good relationship has numerous advantages, beyond happiness.

Relationships are only pointless if your with a pointless person lol...

Relationships= heaven if you find someone on the same page as you and wants pretty much the same thing in life as you do... one where two people are independent, yet share many things together, and this includes the good and the bad times.

Well I must say that after reading this I have a little doubt. I have faith in it but everything thing you said makes you really wonder what the point is. Everything ends up the same but sometimes they last longer than others.

I'm going to call your bluff on this one. If you truly believed what you said here, you wouldn't care. The only reason you're able to make these statements is because deep down part of you doesn't believe, or doesn't want to believe, that what you are saying is true. We can't be disappointed about something unless we have expectations for it. In the same vein as Gemini pointing out that relationships are mirrors, what you write here is a chance for you to learn something about yourself. What response are you looking for? What would you hear that would make you feel satisfied at this point? Answer it yourself, and you'll start to learn how you truly feel about it at this point in your life. And answering it yourself won't be easy, as it requires some real cutting through the mind games we play. And I say at this point in your life, because your belief is going to change. Many times.

I think analyzing anything in life can lead us to believe certain things are pointless. I also think a "point" to anything is relative to the specific goals of one person as compared to another. For a relationship, any relationship, it takes work and a natural creation to endure differences and the imperfections we all so frequently point out.

I have always felt there should never be a point to a relationship. There should be goals, aspirations, expectations, but not a flat out point. Things evolve and happen in a way where either two people are compatible, or they aren't. You either take the risk in letting yourself go completely into the arms of another, or run away fearing a pointless and inevitable end to something that could change your life forever.

I guess, in the end, if you asked me what the point of a relationship is, I would say, in my hypocritical fashion, there isn't a point except that it helps you learn about yourself and who you are. We all have an idea of ourselves, and we all offer something valuable to anyone willing to accept it. Arguably, the most valuable commodity we have in life is time, and the most valuable thing we can do with our time is share our love, our trust and our compassion with other people.

I've been with my husband for 13 years, and married for 8 of them.

Prior to him, I went through the dating cycle that YOU have posted about, Mudweiser.

It's not RELATIONSHIPS that are the problem. It's the way you look at them. And--it's the expectations you have of your partner. If you are expecting someone to change, to have specific traits--or even if you just get to the point of the annoying stuff bothering you more than the endearing stuff can make up for--that's a matter of attitude.

I started dating my husband with NO expectations other than that--just dates. We'd go for coffee, alone or with friends. Or shopping, or to a movie, or whatever. It was 6 months before our first kiss. He still melts me with a look, and even though it drives me crazy that he NEVER puts the peanut butter away, I adore the way he rubs my back at night so that I can relax into sleep.

I think I've been interrupted 12 times while trying to write this, so my apologies if it's not as coherent as I want it to be. I guess my main point, though, is that if you keep going through the SAME cycle in relationships--well, the only common thing in all of those relationships is YOU. So... you might look at changing yourself a little bit, which could make the NEXT relationship work.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rockie100

So like the next guy that tells you that your beautiful, asks to get to know you, gives you that special look, brushes that piece of hair from your face, opens a door for you, takes your hand while walking, (Oh, Im out of breath) comes along... You say "sorry, I just dont see the point."
I think its human nature to want a companion in life. Its the gamble most people think is worth the risk.

---

I don't know what this is going to sound like but I'll just say it how I want to.

Truthfully, I'm not an ugly girl. Everyday some guy says something, I have some guy friends that would love to give it a shot with me, and these guys I know would "treat me right".

The point is, I just don't care for a relationship, no matter what anyone says or what they say to me.

I like being alone!

Sarah

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by mudweiser

I don't know what this is going to sound like but I'll just say it how I want to.

Truthfully, I'm not an ugly girl. Everyday some guy says something, I have some guy friends that would love to give it a shot with me, and these guys I know would "treat me right".

The point is, I just don't care for a relationship, no matter what anyone says or what they say to me.

I like being alone!

Sarah

---

Maybe you just haven't found the right guy... :cool:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I don't think that relationships aren't pointless because they give us our greatest lessons about ourselves - if we're prepared to see them. It's just that sometimes it takes a while to learn the lesson, whatever it may be!

---

Oh I agree. I learned that I can be pretty mean with my words once upset. Relationships do help us learn about ourselves and others.

Quote:

---

Relationships are mirrors - that person that takes your breath away, who cheats on you or whom you later despise is an aspect of yourself. Let's face it, none of us are perfect, and we see out imperfect selves reflected back to us in the people we choose to partner with.

---

How does that work? How is the person you chose to love at the time a mirror of yourself. I look back at my relationship and they are nothing like me. I have to disagree with this.

Quote:

---

Some of us partner easily and for life, others of us have various partners and find the whole thing precarious and difficult. We stumble around looking for that perfect mate when he or she doesn't exist.

---

I agree.

Quote:

---

I think that's the point. And I'm just thinking this through quickly as I type, that none of us are perfect. If we can accept that then we're more able to accept others and love them for what they are, perfectly imperfect.

---

Oh I have never thought that I was perfect or God's gift to earth. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws, heck I do. I'm not expecting some Prince Charming, I'm not expecting anyone at all. I'm actually in the north tower watching TiVo.

I respect your opinion Gem. Thanks for the response.

Sarah

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Clough

I haven't had a one-on-one intimate relationship with someone for a very long time, Sarah. It's something that's not all that important to me. Perhaps it not all that important for you either? Those kinds of relationships do take a tremendous amount of effort, work and maintenance! If I were to be in that kind of relationship, then it would take away from other things that I also feel are very important for me to do in order to realize my full potential as well as helping people in various ways. Those are a couple of reasons that the Roman Catholic Church doesn't allow priests to marry. If a priest had an immediate family because of marrying someone, part of the rationale for not doing that would be because having that sort of immediate family could potentially take away from the duties that the priest would need to have toward the parish that he would be serving.

---

Very interesting point Clough!

I really enjoyed that part.

Quote:

---

Close, intimate relationships, aren't the norm for everyone though. And, you know what? That's okay!

---

Thanks Clough!


Sarah

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Maximilian4073

I'm going to call your bluff on this one. If you truly believed what you said here, you wouldn't care.

---

What is this supposed to mean? If I truly believed I wouldn't care? Care for what? Opinions? I love hearing other people's prespectives. Some people have such a different view on things it opens my eyes.

Quote:

---

The only reason you're able to make these statements is because deep down part of you doesn't believe, or doesn't want to believe, that what you are saying is true.

---

??

Quote:

---

We can't be disappointed about something unless we have expectations for it. In the same vein as Gemini pointing out that relationships are mirrors, what you write here is a chance for you to learn something about yourself. What response are you looking for? What would you hear that would make you feel satisfied at this point? Answer it yourself, and you'll start to learn how you truly feel about it at this point in your life. And answering it yourself won't be easy, as it requires some real cutting through the mind games we play. And I say at this point in your life, because your belief is going to change. Many times.

---

I have examined myself. I don't have expectations. I'm fine with myself. I don't want to bother being sucked into another hole.

Others have said, relationships are mostly about companionship and sharing a life with them. Well I don't need to wake up next to someone every morning to feel whole. I have many life partners... my friends. They are always there for me, I'm always there for them. Despite our flaws we love each other.


Sarah`

Muddy I can sympathize with you a lot on this. While I don't consider relationships in general pointless, I am also not one to rush into one for mere pleasure or sake of companionship. Some people, like yours truly, are just more solitary and don't seek out companionship on a constant basis. I am happy with who I am and if an opportunity presents itself that benefits me (relationship wise), I will take if, but it isn't something I fret about whatsoever.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

Muddy I can sympathize with you a lot on this. While I don't consider relationships in general pointless, I am also not one to rush into one for mere pleasure or sake of companionship. Some people, like yours truly, are just more solitary and don't seek out companionship on a constant basis. I am happy with who I am and if an opportunity presents itself that benefits me (relationship wise), I will take if, but it isn't something I fret about whatsoever.

---

:) I enjoyed both of your responses.

Thanks KC.


Sarah

I would also like to point out that sometimes we tend to get a bit too psychological on here and analyze things to the point of exhaustion. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't make you right or wrong, good or bad, doomed or set up for success. I think one of the absolute hardest things in life to do is to be genuinely satisfied with who you are... to love yourself. Anyone can depend on another for love and affection, but to have enough of that within yourself is something special, so kudos to you.

As Clough stated, there is nothing wrong with people like you and I. You are a good mother, a pretty gal and you have your ideals and attitudes which make you Muddy. Keep it!

Carry on... :cool:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

I would also like to point out that sometimes we tend to get a bit too psychological on here and analyze things to the point of exhaustion.

---

Ohh sweet baby Jesus yes.

Quote:

---

Just because you feel a certain way doesn't make you right or wrong, good or bad, doomed or set up for success. I think one of the absolute hardest things in life to do is to be genuinely satisfied with who you are... to love yourself. Anyone can depend on another for love and affection, but to have enough of that within yourself is something special, so kudos to you.

As Clough stated, there is nothing wrong with people like you and I. You are a good mother, a pretty gal and you have your ideals and attitudes which make you Muddy. Keep it!

Carry on... :cool:

---

I agree.

Glad to know there are people who feel about the same as I do.

I will carry on :)

Thanks for the compliments KC.

Sarah

Muddy, you are a beautiful young woman with a beautiful young daughter. Your needs and desires today aren't going to be the same tomorrow. As long as you are content and happy with where you are, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or society and the media portray.

Enjoy living your life.

If you'd like me to elaborate on any of the ideas I stated, I will, but it sounds like maybe what I said doesn't speak to you? If so, then discard it if you like. I'll say that I don't think you quite understand what Gemini meant when she spoke of relationships as mirrors. They are reflections, and that doesn't mean they are identical or the same, it means they cast back at us things we cast out (and like mirrors, usually in reverse). The point of this idea is that it's a tool to enable us to learn from our relationships rather than simply experience and repeat them mindlessly. But again, if that doesn't seem relevant to you, then maybe that's not your cup of tea.

The are two statements I'd point out as relevant. First, your suggestion that you don't need to wake up next to someone to feel whole. It's great that you feel this way, but I'd offer that a healthy relationship is not about having to have someone else to make you feel whole. The other is when you say you don't want to bother being sucked into another hole. This suggests to me that this is how you envision a relationship. That's worth examining on your end.

Try this:

"What's the point of a relationship is you're not willing to face the emotional risk."

We can't predict the future. Who knows if the relationship is going to work out in the end. What matters is that you're willing to give each other a shot to find out. Relationships end when you give up that hope.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

That'll be 25 dollars for the reading.

---

He actually only needs 25 cents to make up for the quarter his son swallowed. :eek: