First of all, I'm not againts porn, I do watch it too. My boyfriend does it also. Problem for me is when he watches it right next to me, in my own bed, while I'm asleep. I've seen a dozen of times porn sites, and clips of sexy dressed women, in my computer browsing history. I've confronted him once I woke up in the middle of the night and he was on his side of a bed with a bunch of porn going on. I've told him I do not want him to watch it while he's with me in my bed. He can watch it at his place when I'm not there. Otherwise we'll watch it together. He became defensive but promised it won't happened again and he'll reduce the amout of watching it.

Since the trust was already low in our relationship, thanks to his mistakes, I needed him not to break this promise. Just today, right after he woke me up to have sex, and we had it, I found out he watched it again. I confronted him again and he said it was just a few sites, no biggy. I've told him it's about the trust and all, and he just said I'm overreacting. He could've deleted the history but he didn't want to hide it from me. He said he didn't actually watched it, he just crossed over them in a few minutes.

I'm sick of this. We've been together for 2 years and he still does the things that he knows they annoy me. Is this a valid reason for a breakup? And should I do it, even though I love him and he says he's trying and is sorry.

Help please. Is he an addict? He says we have a great sex and there's no lack of it.

If your going keep arguing over him watching porn then maybe you need to find someone else. You have a problem with him watching it at your house while your asleep but he keeps doing it anyway. Look at it this way, at least he isn't out cheating on you. You have to decide what you want to do and if this relationship is worth having.

If he admitted he is addicted to porn then maybe he can join a support group but it is going take time and won't happen over night.

Well it's not like you're saying don't watch porn - you're saying don't watch it while you're in bed with me. I think that's reasonable. You could be saying don't smoke while you're in bed with me and that would be entirely reasonable as well.

First of all, if he can't control his porn viewing to the point where he has to watch it in bed while you're asleep, then he's got an issue. Secondly, if he is specifically doing something that you've asked him not to do because it bothers you, then that's the real problem. He's not listening and putting his 'need' for porn ahead of your very reasonable request not to watch it while you're both in bed.

He says he's sorry and he's really trying - well ask him to prove it. Get rid of the lap top. Put it in a another room. Bed is for sleeping and real sex. Get his personal porn out into another room.

You say you can't trust him and that he annoys you but the sex is great. Clearly there are other issues as well.

I guess ultimately you need to decide - which is more important, trust or good sex?

Threads merged for the whole story

First of all, I'm pretty, there's nothing bad or wrong about the way I look, dress, do my hair or whatever. I used to be very self-confident until my boyfriend starting making coments about almost everything about my appearance.
It's not that I never wear dresses, skirts, high heels and so on, it's just that I dress like that on a night out, and during the day while I'm bussy, it's easier to wear jeans and shirts and little or no makeup (as I'm young and don't really need it). He wants me to wear sexy things all the time. Just today, he complained about the color of my nails!

No matter how much I try, he always says something like, oh your hair looked better on that picture. I mean, it's soooo annoying and he knows it. He can't help himself.
Could he be gay or something? I honestly doubt it, but clothes and make up is such a fetish for him that he tries my stuff on, he tired my bra! He has nothing againts me getting his nails done! Omg! He said if he was a woman he would wear and change in the pretty clothes all the time.

Even though I am good looking, I sometimes feel ugly or not good enough because he's never satisfied with me whatever I dress. He compliments me, and than says I could try this and that next time.
Help, I'm going nuts, and please don't laugh!

I'm not laughing.

He is chipping away at your confidence and self esteam..

Does he look hot and sexy ALL the time!

Like you I have a 'uniform' on my days off,jeans t-shirt boots... I would get very strange looks in the supermarket if I dressed up in my sexy gear going shopping for bread and milk.. its just not practical..

Tell him you will get your hair done everyday if he is paying for it!

You are who you are, I would be asking him if he is having such a problem with how you look ,dress,etc that perhaps he should move on to someone who is interested in his B.S!

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Originally Posted by redhed35

you are who you are, i would be asking him if he is having such a problem with how you look ,dress,ect that perhaps he should move on to someone who is interested in his B.S!

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That's what I've told him exactly! Then he apologies and says he likes me the way I am, BUT... he's very visual and blah blah.
It's gotten to the point I'm feeling threatened by other girls. Not by the prettier ones, but the better dressed ones, because I know he's checking them out. And I'm so much more than just stupid clothes!
He's a good and a smart guy besides his silly obsession. I don't know how to handle it anymore. It's not a reason to dump him, but I'm sick to my stomach by all that already.

Hmm... this doesn't sound good.

It sounds as though he is purposely trying to make you feel low about yourself, and men who try to rid you of yourself confidence are the ones you should stay well away from.

You should be with a man who loves you for you, and thinks you look hot all the time. My ex always told me I was beautiful first thing in the morning, and with no make up on and at the gym etc.. because he just wanted me to feel good about myself, he wanted to build my confidence up, not pick at everything about me!

Changes need to be made, otherwise you are going to have absolutely no confidence in yourself, and will find yourself relying on him too much to stay with you - and that is not a healthy relationship!

Perhaps he's got a passion for fashion lol
You should dress the way you like not the way he wnts you to look.
Perhaps you do look really nice and he feels threatened that your going to attract some male attention, so he will do anything in his power not to show he is jelous but to style it out in a different way! Or maybe like you said he likes to try things on.. he's jelous of u ! Because he can't dress like that!

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Originally Posted by pfanatic

it's not a reason to dump him, but i'm sick to my stomach by all that already.

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If it's making you sick, then sure it is. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

He wants to see if he can control you. If you give in, you will not only lose how you look, but you will also lose your self-confidence. Have a talk with him and tell him that he's just going to have to accept you as you are and if he can't do that, then he's just going to have to find someone else. My mom married my dad and spent her whole life listening to his complain about how she should dress, what she should eat, and how she should act. She's in her late 50's still listening to his complaint and no self-esteem (she can't even go grocery shopping by her self). She also decided to completely give up dressing up for herself because she's tired of listening to my dad.

If all he sees when you are together is a pretty face and your make-up,he is being very superficial.

Sounds like he wants a trophy instead of a real person.

Are you there just to make him feel good about his own inadequacies?

I would tell him either he puts the brakes on his hurtful comments and petty judgments or you are going to walk.

He liked you just fine to hook up with you in the beginning and his critical attitude may be something more than what it seems on the surface.

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Originally Posted by artlady

Sounds like he wants a trophy instead of a real person.

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This seems correct here.

IMO this attitude of him would be hard to change, and might be a slow and painful process.

I think this is the flipside of a guy who doesn't compliment and take notice of what his woman wears and looks like all the time. Just like a woman absolutely loves to buy her man clothes and suggest outfits for her man, it seems like your boyfriend has developed an interest in your attire and accessories in a way that parallels that.

You never mentioned that he takes shots at your physical characteristics but instead nit picks your clothing and makeup. Because of this it seems that yourself esteem is taking an unnecessary beating (however, it may be you who is being sensitive). After all, he's not saying you're fat or full of zits or have cellulite or asking you to hit the treadmill, is he? It seems like he just likes it when you look sexy. I'm sure that you enjoy him looking his best too.

You said he does compliment you so he doesn't sound too bad. It doesn't sound like his comments are put downs either. Before jumping to conclusions about his true feelings I think we need a little bit more info before we characterize him as a jack---.

I know I loved it when my girl would get all dressed up and look sexy but I never wanted her to look like that all the time, but that's just my preference because I like a more casual, subdued beauty. His preference may be different and he's just voicing it (to an extreme level). Ask him to tone it down a little bit. Your self-esteem really shouldn't be taking a beating due to this.

The thing about him wearing your bras and crap. That's just weird, but maybe it's a fetish or something.

He is mentally abusing you, he is driving all of your strengh and will soon use this to have control over you in more and more.

You need to stand up to him, and in may opinion tell him to hit the road if he has anymore 'BUTS")

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I weigh 73kgs. Still my hubby says I look beautiful and sexy. Beautiful.. I can agree on that. Like many preggies, I don look tired, I don have dark circles etc. but sexy? That's a bit too much. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, he called me beautiful and sexy. I NEVER wear makeup except for weddings and other big functions/get-together. I like simple clothing which I feel comfortable in. still he thinks m sexy. He makes me feel pretty and sexy every day.


Everyone is beautiful in their own way. All you need is the confidence and belief that you are pretty. If your guy says you look better with some sexy clothes, I think he needs to change his way of thinking. Even a baggy jeans and XXXL t-shirt looks pretty on anyone if you feel pretty from inside your heart.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

He is mentally abusing you, he is driving all of your strengh and will soon use this to have control over you in more and more.

You need to stand up to him, and in may opinion tell him to hit the road if he has anymore 'BUTS")

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Fr_Chunk,, you need to think again. If someone says your wrong, there mite be chances that you really are wrong.
Some guys don know how to compliment. They compare by the way different looks and give their opinion. That doesn't mean mental abuse.

Like every coin that has 2 faces, there r 2 ways of thinking. Its better to think positive, don you think..

pfanatic, ur beautiful, remember that always. Don let some guy tell you otherwise.

It sounds like he maybe a closet case. He maybe ignoring his feelings of homosexuality or trans sexuality. How else would you explain him trying on your bra?

You need to feel free to dress however you want, whenever you want. Im sure there are things about him that aren't perfect. Do you try to call him out? No... because you probably are considerate enough not to. He isn't thinking of you, he is only thinking of his needs and wants. Talk to him about compromise. Ask him if it would be a 'deal breaker' if you only wanted to dress for him on occasion, not everyday. If it turns out to be a big deal, he isn't into you. He is just trying to make himself be into you.

Thank you all for replying! I need to think about your comments and figure out which ones are true. As it's always hard to see the situation as it is when you're in it.

Sure, he could have a passion for fasion. Does he have it for himself, I mean for men's clothes? no. he looks nice, but nothing special, far away from that to be honest. I've never asked him to change any single thing about his looks. But I do want to change his obsession about the beautiful sexy clothes as I think it's getting of limits. My self-esteem is quite gone after trying to fulfil his needs and wishes since the beginning of our relationship. Not to say, when we have sex, I'm all dressed up and rarely ever naked!
At first I though, why not, there's nothing wrong in trying be super beautiful, and I have a boyfriend who is OK with me looking sexy. He's self-confident and trusts me and is not controlling asking not to wear revealing clothes, as he has no fear of lossing me. He is not jealous, thank god! But if he's jealous of me! That's not normal. Besides, discovering you're gay being 30, I don't think so.

He's also not superficial as it absolutely seems, he's quite deep in fact. It's ridiculous to breakup because of wanting me to look my best. Is this abuse? I'm really confused. Sometimes it feels like it. Why would I feel bad lately? I could be oversensitive, true.

To answer you, it seems he's into me, besides being with me over 2 years. I said to him to find a girl who's willing to be sexy 24/7, he doesn't want that and doesn't want to let me go.
And the other question did he make remarks on my body, face, anything besides my clothes. Yes of course, my weight. Not to sound full of myself, but I do look like a model, he just wish me to have a larger butt and boobs. It made me feel very aware of parts of my body as I don't look perfect to him, but I do look perfect for myself so he can go and f*** himself! (sorry guys)

I've told him I'll end up cheating on him or falling in love with someone who accepts and loves me for who I am, whatever I look like or wear at the moment. He's pushing me away with his demands. First he got really defensive on that, and said his comments are said to light me up (but that humor hurts, especially being compared to the girls who walk by, it's not excuse for not knowing how to make a compliment), and then he got worried and was all over me saying he's sorry and he'll stop.
Which I doubt, but we'll see what happens from here.

Long story short. He broke a promise, the one he's already broken. He just forgot about it. What's behind the promise is not important for now.
However I can't trust him after that. It's been two weeks without sex and it's the longest time in two years we hadn't have any. I just can't as I don't find him that attractive anymore. Left alone I do have a sex drive.
He told me he can't even masturbate anymore and he's always had a very high sex drive. Must be we're both feeling guilty.
Should we "force" love making? Maybe things'll get better like that. For the last half month it feels like we're friends and there's a distance between us. Any suggestions please?

Do nothing. Each take some time to yourselves, think about what you really want from a relationship and make some serious decisions about what you both want to happen here. Trust is needed. Lack of trust is time and energy wasting.

Long story short. He broke a promise, the one he's already broken. He just forgot about it. What's behind the promise is not important for now.
However I can't trust him after that. It's been two weeks without sex and it's the longest time in two years we hadn't have any. I just can't as I don't find him that attractive anymore. Left alone I do have a sex drive.
He told me he can't even masturbate anymore and he's always had a very high sex drive. Must be we're both feeling guilty.
Should we "force" love making? Maybe things'll get better like that. For the last half month it feels like we're friends and there's a distance between us. Any suggestions please?
(I'm sorry I've posted this in a wrong topic before).

What kind of relationship do you have if you don't have trust?

What's the point in trying to force sex, when that's the ONE place a woman usually NEEDS trust in order to relax enough to enjoy it?

Perhaps you guys could find a better way to communicate rather than punish each other with the 'no sex' punishment. Sounds like you wanted to teach him a lesson and now you're both suffering and turning a problem into a much larger problem. I think you both should sit down and talk about what's really bothering you before 'forcing' sex on each other... that big elephant in the room can't hide behind the curtains.

If you can't work together to rebuild the trust, what's the point in the relationship period?

Without other details into the problem, any advice is a shot in the dark, but even if you can't forget this breach in trust, and forgive and work to get beyond this, the relationship is over whether you have sex, or not.

Better start talking honestly, right now.

You've already posted this question once in the Adult Sexuality Forum.
Please keep posts on the same topic together.
They will peobably either be combined or one will be removed.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on figuring out your situation.

Yeah I know ohsohappy, I've already apologised for that there. I'm quite new here, it won't happen again.

talaniman, I want to forgive and work on this. BUT the only thing he sees as a problem now is the lack of sex. I don't even have to start with all that's on his mind. From not being attractive enough, me cheating on him, his bad performance etc.etc. he's always been the one with a super high sex drive so it's driving him nuts and he thinks we'll get closer if we have sex. He even planned a trip for us, and when even then there was no sex, just imagine his reaction for the wasted effort.

Well I miss the sex too, but to have it with him right now, I'll have to fake my desire. So NO.
We'll talk, as usual. And then he'll want sex, and will feel rejected. Again.
How to get out of this?

Just to add, I'm not witholding sex on him on purpose, I'm not that immature. It's just not coming to me naturally. Honestly.

How old are you both?

I think he needs to see his doctor for a check up. There are several physical issues that can affect a man's libido.

If health issues are cleared, then I think couple's counseling might be in order. You both seem to have a lot of concerns needing to be worked on as a couple. A counselor would be able to give you both a neutral place (and mediator) to examine those concerns and tools to fix them.

Maybe you need to let him know its not about the sex, but his behavior and how it makes you feel. Your right though, it should come naturally, but you have issues with his behavior that needs work and attention, and until solutions are reached, there can be no forgiveness, and certainly no sex.

If you both aren't willing to adjust your behaviors, then its over and maybe some time apart can accomplish what you both lack, some clarity of thought.

Perhaps it's time for some honest talking and less game playing?

Without communication there is no relationship, and it sounds as if sex is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the issues you're both facing.

Is it possible to talk to each other? Is the relationship important enough to both of you so that you can put your defensive responses aside?

Is it possible to put sex on the back burner until you've communicated and made an attempt to sort through what's actually going on?

Tell him that sex isn't going to make things better, but talking will.

Threads merged

Lately I've been having many issues with my boyfriend. Most of them turned out unresolved because of the lack of communication. I've always tried very hard to talk things out and he's never felt comfortable during it and always run away from me.
I've wanted to talk about why my trust in low in him and wanted to solve it and create a bond between us again, but he again didn't take it well, and just didn't want to talk about it. It made me cry for a second, but then I firmly decided I wanted a breakup. I tried everything but he wasn't opening up to me and I've just had enough. I've told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.

Afterwards I felt great, I felt reliefed and I was being happy we could still be friends, because we did get along great, but after all what he did, it's just killed all the love and romance in me, and I've just lost that feeling.
I've told him I didn't feel happy with him anymore, and I didn't know how to tell him that. I didn't know what I wanted. He told me he knew and saw it all in me so I didn't have to say anything. I went on how I wish I was strong enough to be on my own without him completely, meaning no friendship, no contact. He asked and I agreed that he had to be the one that's strong and just step away from me.
As we were talking I was sad because it was two years being together, but also very excited about the new page I'm finally turning. And glad we didn't ended it in a fight, or pronologing the breakup.

I confesed to him how I got drunk one night, which was a year ago, and how I was unhappy even back then because of something he did, which hurt me, and how I met s guy in a bar. How we talked and how I fell apart in front of him (I'm not making up excuses but drink was a big contributor to it), and how I told him everything about our problems. How he held my hand like a friend and I felt good to have a male company to listen to me, as I couldn't talk with my boyfriend. As I continued talking, my boyfriend thought I was going to say I've cheated on him. I did not of course! He's just missed the point of the story.

I don't know how it happened, but I've just eneded up having sex with my boyfriend after this talk and we're still together. He said he should let me go if I'm not happy to be happy with someone. But he is not letting me. Or is it me?

I'm totally confused and just want any kind of advice. It all happened just yesterday. Thank you.

If the issues can't be resolved and you know that breaking up will change your life for the better, then you stay firm and stay broken up. You tell him no contact and that means no contact.
You make a decision and stick to it.

Unless you would rather him wake you up and have sex right then, then what is the issue with him watching some porn when you sleep?

I see conflicting things here.. and a bit of controlling behaviour.

If you are sleeping... then what is the problem it he looks at some porn? Keep in mind there are two sides to every story and that someone dictating to another what they will and will not do can also be considered very annoying. There in no indication in this thread that he is fixated on porn, spanking his monkey and cutting you off entirely. Which if it were happening would be an issue to worry about.

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He said he should let me go if I'm not happy to be happy with someone. but he is not letting me. or is it me?

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Its you, not him. Your taking the easy way out, the path of least resistance.

You think its easier to just stay, and not resolve anything, than to resolve your issues thru honest communications, or leave.

As the other have pointed out, a "lack of communication" is obvious.

But how can you be happy with someone who's making you feel so insecure about yourself?

Furthermore, you should work on your self-esteem before getting into a serious relationship. Because it seems like a guy can easily put you down. You really need to build some confidence in yourself.

Thank you talaniman and I wish. I know it's me. It's just hard to admit.
This is my first real serious relationship so I can't tell when it's time to move on, and how does it feel to know it's over. Because with him I never know for sure. Part of me can't let go and always wonders how to make things right. Or what if I end it and then regret it later. How come I always look back?

And yes, I have to do something about my self-esteem and stop asking men for it. It's so easy to tell others what to do, but when it comes down to me, I can't decide what I want. One day I love him, other day I have no idea what I feel, if I feel anything at all.

Before him, I had many short term "relationships", flings yes, and was never in love with any of them. It was so easy to leave them. With this man, I'm scared to be without him. I'm not dependent on him at all. So I have no reason to be afraid. This is ridiculous. I have no idea what's up with me.

Anyone who truly cares about you and mental well being will not say things that make you self conscious. That just shows how insecure he is with himself. He needs you to dress up sexy all the time, to make himself feel better. That is pretty selfish if you ask me.

It doesn't matter how good you look. If you getting bombarded everyday with this type of crap, anyone would start to develop esteem issues.

If your not happy, and he can't see why (even after you communicate the reason to him), then you need to step back and see if he is really the right person for you.

I've always been raised to compliment women, not to degrade them. I guess that's why the jerk always wins... :rolleyes:

Don't be afraid to be on your own. It's the only real way to get to know yourself better. Once you find out what it is you want, by finding things out about yourself, that's when the right guy will come along. It's time to stop soul searching and make your life something you can be happy with.

EDIT: After reading the WHOLE Thread, my post seems slightly out of place. You both have communication issues. He does things that you don't necessarily like, you do thing he doesn't like. The only way to resolve these issues in communication and compromise. Through those two avenues alone, will you discover if you work well as a couple or not.

Of course you had sex with him after you decided that you would break up. He listened to you and heard what you were saying and took responsibility for some of what is happening between you. But that doesn't change anything really.

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He asked and I agreed that he had to be the one that's strong and just step away from me.

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I suspect that you're putting a lot of what was wrong in the relationship back onto him, and now you're asking him to take the lead in the break up.

If it isn't working - leave, if you want to work on it - stay. But do it in the knowledge that you're taking responsibility for YOUR part in the relationship. You say communication was bad with him, but after reading your posts I'm not convinced that you were really able to communicate your feelings to him.

If you're not happy, then you must be the one to take the lead and separate from him. I understand that this is your first serious relationship, but you must stop expecting other people to take the responsibility for your happiness or unhappiness. None of your future relationships will ever be happy if you continue to do this.

Just to say, thank you all so much, this site is great!

I know I let it all on him. That's how I've felt. I needed a place to vent. I'm just sometimes so mad at him. He's not meeting my expectations. But the relationship's already gone too long to easily step out. I want him, but I don't want him to be certain way. Some things I can't accept. Does that mean I've never loved him?
Maybe I've just wanted to annoy the hell out of him and wanted HIM to leave me. I'm scared we're going to continue this relationship years from now with the same problems. Both him and I seem to be the problems even without the bigger one of being a couple. We're too selfish to compromise.
Are there any tips on how to have a good communication? Can someone please teach me how, when and where to TALK to the partner? Mostly it gets ugly with us. The make up sex is the only thing good about it.:D

smoothy, we're not living together, so I would rather him to wake me up and have sex with me instead of porn going on on my laptop in my own bed. I do demand some respect. Nothing wrong with porn itself, at least for me. I could be a control freak too. Who knows. Anyway, it's not the porn that's the issue.

I have to be responsible for my part, true, but I'm so angry at myself for having a failed relationship that anything I choose now it's no good. So I choose to choose none. Could be that him being a bit older, I expect him to decide. Foolish, yes. I don't know where to go from here. I even told him to find another girl he could be happy with. I maybe wish I could just meet someone I like, which is impossible while with him of course. No responsibility on neighter part. I want something to happen! I wish someone to decide for me. I don't know how I've got myself in this state of mind.

You definitely need to take a step back and evaluate how you feel and what you are saying here. You're bringing this on yourself by forcing yourself to be with him, because you're scared to be alone. If you make the hard choice to dump him for good, you are not going to be alone forever!

Being alone isn't that bad. You get to do what you want, and you can really learn about yourself, without anyone influencing you or your decisions in any way.

Being alone is one thing, but being afraid to leave an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of being lonely... that's just not right.