Ask Me Help Desk - What I learned from a bad break up

So these are some of the best lessons that I learned from my past failed relationships. I'd like to hear what other people have learned that might help some of the newly broken hearted out there.

1. Don't discount red flags - if something is a red flag in a relationship don't ignore it and hope it doesn't mean anything - it definitely has a meaning.
2. Trust your intuition - if you think something is wrong it probably is - don't pretend that it isn't.
3. If someone tells you they want space - give them all the space in the world - in fact stop talking to them completely.
4. People communicate with each other so that they can learn from and about the other person. If you aren't learning anything - its probably not worth your time.
5. If it is too good to be true it probably is.
6. Let a man love you more than you love him - absolutely true - never give away everything in a relationship.
7. Not everyone is compatible - and it's not your fault - don't let it reflect on yourself image.
8. There is no good reason for anyone to treat you like your thoughts, feelings don't matter - the moment you realize they are doing this - they aren't worth your time.
9. If someone isn't healed from a past relationship - don't get into a new relationship with them - they don't have the emotional capacity to care about your feelings.
10. You can't rush love.

All good ones. And true. Thanks.
Nice list.

Van

Great post!

What do you mean by healed from a relationship, how can you tell when you've healed?

When thinking about your ex makes you laugh instead of cry... HAHAHHAHA...

I like it!
If you feel comfortable enough to have intimate relations,you should feel comfortable enough to talk about those relations.
What you are getting or not getting ,the whole nine :)

I think you re healed when you wake up in the morning,happy with your own company-looking forward to a new day.

I agree with Amicon. You are healed when the thought of your ex doesn't give you anxiety or make your heart skip a beat anymore. When you can view the relationship objectively for what it was and not with rose colored glasses. When a day goes by and you don't mention their name or think about them and what they are doing at all.

"Let a man love you more than you love him - absolutely true - never give away everything in a relationship."

I'm going to have to say this one isn't fair. Plus it violates my rule to never let myself love a girl more than she loves me.

I agree with the list other then number 6.

Men are just as easily hurt as women, I love with all my heart,and trust with all my heart,I'm a jumper-iner when it comes to love,and although I have been badly burned in the past,I learned a lot...

This time,I'm in a relationship where we are both jumper iner's... I get back what I give.

I just believe if you don't love completely something will be missing...

You can stand on the sidelines of love and just keep that little bit of yourself under lock and key,but who's to know that that's the bit that adds the magic and the glue to the relationship.

Can't really add anything - this pretty much sums it all up!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadnlostedddd

Great post!

What do you mean by healed from a relationship, how can you tell when you've healed?

I think it's generally pretty easy to spot when someone is on the rebound. If all they ever talk about is their ex, whether wistfully or critically, that's a pretty sure sign that they haven't healed.

Them, I'm going to add,stay in touch with your friends,and continue to pursue the things you enjoyed before the relationship,during the relationship and after.

That's a good point red-good on you for daring to trust again.

By let a man love you more than you love him I meant something more on the lines of - don't keep giving and giving and giving if you aren't getting anything in return. I'm one of those people that just keeps giving and then eventually realizes that I haven't gotten anything back (not material but emotionally, etc). So that sentence kind of reminds me to scale back - not necessarily hold back but just not jump too fast. Does that make anysense?

Red I like your addition :)

11. Learn to live single life and be OK as a single before jumping into a relationship

I learnt that the break up hurts!

So do your best, listen carefully and take nothing for granted.

Good post. I've been thinking about making a post similar to this one and I'm glad you that you beat me to it.

I agree with most of your points. However, the one that I feel is the most profound and that I have thought about over a lot after certain relationships is #6. Self-preservation is something that a lot of people don't think about when they jump into a relationship because when we get the "butterflies" our logic and reason seem to shut off. We feel that this person is different than the last one we were with only because of how they make us feel at that particular moment. This is of course totally delusional and naïve.

I do feel that you shouldn't love someone more than they love you because you set yourself up for disaster when they eventually leave you. In my last relationship, my ex, without a doubt expressed that she felt that she loved me more than I loved her and this upset her (she was right, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love her or abused this power). It's a double edged sword because in reality all she was saying was that she wanted to be in the position of power in our relationship. I held it all and she knew it. So her leaving me I feel basically boiled down to this one characteristic of our relationship.

This is such an interesting point because for it really has nothing to do with the dynamics within relationships but instead with peoples expectations and dreams.

Do we really, really want someone who is crazy about us? This doesn't say as much about you as you think. It says a lot more about the person who is crazy for us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by itried

I do feel that you shouldn't love someone more than they love you because you set yourself up for disaster when they eventually leave you. .........

..........all she was saying was that she wanted to be in the position of power in our relationship. I held it all and she knew it. So her leaving me I feel basically boiled down to this one characteristic of our relationship.

It doesn't add up.

So which one is better according to you - love whole heartedly, or have people leave you because they feel they are giving up more of themselves to you than you to them?

Otherwise, nice post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bella99

By let a man love you more than you love him I meant something more on the lines of - don't keep giving and giving and giving if you aren't getting anything in return. I'm one of those people that just keeps giving and hten eventually realizes that I haven't gotten anything back (not material but emotionally, etc). so that sentence kind of reminds me to scale back - not necessarily hold back but just not jump too fast. does that make anysense?

Red I like your addition :)

How about: A relationship is a partnership. Don't allow the individual investments to become too lopsided.

There is always give and take, but that shouldn't mean one person gives or takes more than the other person all the time.

11. A break up will hurt but you will see it was meant to be.
12. The only thing to take away from a break up is the good memories and move on.
13. A break up will make you a better person and therefore a better relationship next time around. You will want to be a better person.
14. Time does heal all wounds.
15. You will love again.
16. Life is beautiful, just go out and look at nature.
17. A life you don't live is still lost.
18. Everything happens for a reason.
19. Don't fall, just be who you are cause that's all that we need in our lives.
20. Nothing is real till its gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tara1

It doesn't add up.

So which one is better according to you - love whole heartedly, or have people leave you b'cos they feel they are giving up more of themselves to you than you to them?

Otherwise, nice post.

It's not supposed to add up. This is just the way that relationships work. There is NEVER an equal amount of love from each side. If every relationship were to be everlasting then my post would not be sensible. Everyone wants to have the upper hand, no matter what the situation. This is what we all come to realize when relationships end and the person who you thought loved you has now become manipulative, mean spirited, etc.

In my opinion, it's better to have someone leave you because they feel you aren't giving enough of yourself rather than to sacrifice your heart for another. Of course, being an a--hole is one thing, but their expectations must be checked by reality. Remember, giving enough love and commitment to someone and their perception of it are two different things. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved doesn't mean that they don't love you. When someone feels this way it's because they are insecure entering the relationship and have issues with themselves and their ability to receive love, in whatever form or are dreamy, flaky, etc.

Personally, I'd rather give someone my own particular brand of love and have them leave because it wasn't their style rather than bend over backwards and do cartwheels to prove my love. At least this way I know I haven't sacrificed my identity for another person and the problem is not mine to deal with anymore and I can also keep my head up.

This may be a cynical view but I have never met a couple who stayed together for years and years and years. Everyone breaks up eventually so you might as well keep control of your life and it's direction. Real love is not a feeling but an action. It's much more flattering to think that your partner has thought about why they choose to love you rather than when they just feel like they are in love with you. The feelings of love are known as the honeymoon stage and are what most people are chasing. The ability to think about giving/doing love stems from having control over yourself and the flow of your relationship. Loving wholeheartedly is something that I feel originates from a fear of loss.

Maybe this is nonsense, I don't know. It's just what I think.

Hello 'itried',although I would like to argue with some of your points,I do realise that you base your opinion on your own experiences in relationships,from your own fundamental,obseravations,and personal... a different set of experiences will generate a different view point.

But just to comment on your second last sentence,I feel that loving wholeheartedly after being badly hurt,from my point of view,comes from a strong sense of self,well grounded and mentally and emotional strong... to love again with all your heart means you have recovered and healed,if your afraid you would not do it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

How about: A relationship is a partnership. Don't allow the individual investments to become too lopsided.

True, and I had almost forgotten till I read this !

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

hello 'itried',although i would like to argue with some of your points,i do realise that you base your opinion on your own experiences in relationships,from your own fundamental,obseravations,and personal...a differant set of experiences will generate a differant view point.

but just to comment on your second last sentence,i feel that loving wholeheartedly after being badly hurt,from my point of view,comes from a strong sense of self,well grounded and mentally and emotional strong....to love again with all your heart means you have recovered and healed,if your afraid you would not do it!

I think we mislead ourselves a bit too much in relationships. All things being equal, our relationships will all end some day, no matter if you loved with all your heart or if you did no such thing. In the end it really doesn't matter because people are fickle when it comes to "love" and relationships. The same "whole-hearted love" becomes the baseline and it makes the relationship boring and predictable no matter how much love is exchanged. Because of this something new is needed to stimulate our numbed senses so we leave to search it out.

Before this feeling arises we are essentially lying to ourselves about the significance of the relationship, the compatibility of our partner, their looks, etc. This is especially true with younger people because there are more options to choose from so it becomes easier to begin the quest for "true love" , "real love" or whatever over and over again. Once people get older and their options diminish they then begin the pride swallowing, soul destroying process of fitting a square peg (their spouse/partner) into a round hole (their idea of a relationship). This is all done out of necessity and not as much out of love and romance as we'd all like to believe. You have to love this person because there may not be another one around the corner like 10 or 15 or even 20 years ago. We change as we get older and one profound change is complacency. The fear of losing our "person" causes us to try much harder to keep them and this gets misconstrued and misinterpreted as love. Our pasts are littered with people who we probably should have stayed with but curiosity and the quest for romance and freshness and newness all get the better of us eventually. After all is said and done we aren't left with "the one" but instead "the last one".

It's not so much that I am jaded by my relationship experiences but more so that I have stopped and studied them from an objective viewpoint and by doing this I have never witnessed a relationship that fits into whatever it is that we are all searching for. People leave good relationships because someone new comes along and gives them a jolt and this causes them to wander.

This is why I believe that love isn't a feeling at all, but an action which is the effect of a choice. However this choice does arise out of necessity. The proof of this is right in front of our eyes yet for some reason we have selective vision which is blurred by the lens of hope.

I do get where it is you're coming from though, redhed. But isn't one definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and over again while expecting different results? This is my view of relationships. It takes two special people to have a special relationship. Sadly, despite what our parents and TV and whatever tells us everyday, we really aren't as special as we think we are. The only reason we aren't special is because we have never stopped to think: "Hey, maybe I'm not as special as I think I am. Maybe I don't deserve happiness but maybe I instead need to earn it".

Again, just my thoughts.

Oh 'i tried' stay away from the lemon pie! I do say that in a light way and mean no offense..

Yes your right,all relationships end eventually,sometimes after a week,or a month,and someone moves on or after 50 or 60 years together and one partner dies...

I do think your making a massive generalisation regarding relationships,and point for point you have made I can counter point you in a positive light from my own experience...

I suggest we agree to differ on this,and not hijack the thread,which I believe could be a very effective learning tool for everyone.

Regards.