Ok here's the issue.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost four months now (she's 30 years old) , she's the type of girl very outgoing and I'm the more quiet type with people I don't know, yet I can be very outgoing with people I know, or even strange people with outgoing personalities.

It can naturally take me more time to build friendship with people I don't know, specially with people related to my girlfriend, you know you always want to make a good impression on them. I went to a pool party with her relatives a few weeks back, I met all of them yet I didn't talk much to her relatives because, well it wasn't the right place to talk about something, specially because people were separated in groups by long distances and I was with my girlfriend, her sister and another friend.

Yet that seemed to bother my girlfriend a lot, the fact that I din't talk much with people (her relatives) I was just meeting, and not any people, they were her relatives. (have in mind that it was the first time I was meeting those guys)

She complains that I don't like her friends because I don't talk much to them (I do say hello or hey the few times I've seen them and small talk with them sometimes). Have in mind that I've only seen her friends about 3 or 4 times for a short period and there are many whom I've never even met, and they are usually doing their own thing. She wants me to behave and treat them like they were my own pals (you know the ones you have known for years). I repeat that I've only seen these guys a handful of times.

On weekends I usually wanted to share quality time with my girlfriend and do things with her, like going to the movies, eating or drinking etc etc. Normal things couples do.

After four months of being together she has started complaining that I'm not socializing with her family and friends at the pace she wants to, and that we are too different and have to separate, yet she says she loves me, and she even told me back then she wanted to marry me in the future.

I tried telling her that I can't be like her, I have my own personality and that she should respect that if she loves me, yet it seems to bother her a lot that I'm not how she wants me to be, it just only takes me more time to build friendship with people I don't know.

She says she got bored of spending time alone with me, and that she wants me to spend time with her in a group with her friends. She says she'd rather go out in a group (me and her with her friends) than going just the two of us because it seems to bore her.

To me, her behavior comes off as very inmature, specially for a woman who is almost 30 and ready to marry. It's almost as she can't accept my personality and like she values her friends way too much

Do you think she loves me and is worth my time ?
or she's just another very inmature self centered person ?

Does anyone of you got bored of spending time with your girlfriend/boyfriend alone and wanted to do things in a group with friends instead? Have in mind that she stills goes out with her friends and I go with my own friends, it's just that when I'm with her I like the intimacy of being just the two of us.

Do you think she's right ?

She is being unfair with you, I believe a serious discussion is in order to see what she is deeply feeling inside.

Whenever you have a feeling something is up, chances are something is. Never keep something you feel hidden, always share what you feel and be 100% with your other half... this is my philosophy anyway

You don't need to force a relationship with someone that you're not compatible with. Relationships should be more natural.

If she gets bored spending time alone with you, then you won't be able to take the next step in this relationship anyway.

I would say, make it a clean break and find someone else who is more compatible with you.

She wants her friends and family to see the same guy that she sees when you two are doing your own thing
If you are purposely clamping up when you are around her people I could see her point there has to be balance just like you wouldn't want her to take over the party when you are around your friends
I think you should tell her to give it some more time and you should really try to be more open when you are around her people.
Doing things together is fine but again balance is in order I think you have shades of jealousy for her attention and your not comfortable when she is with her friends and family.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by zippit

she wants her friends and family to see the same guy that she sees when you two are doing your own thing
if you are purposely clamping up when you are around her people I could see her point there has to be balance just like you wouldnt want her to take over the party when you are around your friends
I think you should tell her to give it some more time and you should really try to be more open when you are around her people.
doing things together is fine but again balance is in order I think you have shades of jealousy for her attention and your not comfortable when she is with her friends and family.

---

I think you are on to something here, I acknowledge I get a bit jealous when she's with her friends (not family), mainly because most of her friends are males, she loves their attention, she just can't help it, she's very outgoing and flirty and loves the attention from males, likes hugs and even grabbing hands for short periods of times with friends or coworkers, whether it's face to face attention or through text messages and phone calls, sometimes she tends to completely forget about me when she's with her male friends to the point of never even looking at me. I've talked to her about it and she says she doesn't even realize she does it, I even talked to her about her text messages and phone calls and she says she's just like that, very flirty and has always been. I just can't get my head around the fact that she's like that all the time with males, it's almost as my attention is not enough for her.

Adding to my previous reply, I've found in the past on her blackberry several paragraphs long, very flirty chats with friends or coworkers, nothing sexual but very flirty. She just responds that there's nothing wrong with that, she has always been like that and that helps her get things.

"If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen."

Stop forcing yourself to be with someone who isn't compatible with you.

You know that you can't force her to change. So you either change your attitude and accept the way she is. Or move on with your life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

"If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen."

Stop forcing yourself to be with someone who isn't compatible with you.

You know that you can't force her to change. So you either change your attitude and accept the way she is. Or move on with your life.

---

It's not that she's not compatible with me, I lover her outgoing personality, I really do, it's great to be with someone different than you, it's just that if she could tone down her flirty attitude a bit and be more positive and tolerant towards me it would be great. I love her, but it's such a shame that I have to leave her because it seems she can't compromise on something like this. She almost seems to want it her way all the time.

You cannot ask her to change who she is no more than she can ask you. You fell for this woman knowing the conditions and she did the same. You have to decide if you can continue this relationship with her being that way

Keep in mind I accept her fully as she is, I don't want to dump her because of her flirty attitude, it bothers me to a certain point but it's OK with me in the end (as long as she is not cheating on me of course), I love spending time with her.

It's her problem, she seems to want me to be as she wants, wants me to change me and do things her way, I mean I've never seen someone who complains that her partner is not socializing at the pace she wants, she says that if she can socialize with unknown people in a day that I should be able to do it too, I'm really confused because everyone is different and we only have 4 months together.

I'm thinking of giving the relationship one more chance, I'll compromise and tell her from now on, for the next weeks, I'll only go out with her in a group with her friends, or do things together with her family.

If I feel OK with that, and if she doesn't get mad at me for not doing things like she wants (ie socializing at a certain pace or talking to a certain friend or speaking when she wants me to), great, but if feel pressured, it means simply the relationship is not meant to be and she should go find another man who comprises everything on her ideal checklist.

Did I mention I'm her 6th partner and she's my real second partner (not counting one fling I had when I was younger) ? Her past boyfriends either cheated on her or she fell out of love with them.

bcv,
I recently broke up with someone in part because he would not talk in a friendly way to my friends. He always had something negative to say (afterward) to anyone I introduced him to, or just wouldn't say much. He really embarrassed me one day when we took a walk with a gay friend of mine (in other words, not a threat) and my boyfriend barely said a word to him, even though my boyfriend was outgoing and friendly with his own friends and with total strangers. I felt that in the long run, he would isolate me from my friends.

I think you and your girlfriend are incompatible. She's bored always doing things alone together. You want to be alone with her, are anxious about her male friends (whether justifiably or not), she's flirty and annoyed with you for your refusal or inability to try to make friends with her friends and family.

If you want to try to make this work, I think for the next month you should compromise and go out with her more and at each event, separate yourself from her and talk to and get to know at least one person at each event--maybe two or three. Try to have fun. If you can do that and it begins to feel comfortable, there might be some hope for this relationship. But trying to keep this woman home with you is not going to work.

I would say that most people are a little self conscious when meeting new people, and it isn't easy to just keep conversations going with complete strangers, and behave as though you've known them all your life. Time and familiarity are what makes social situations comfortable, and you can't force your comfort level, just because your girlfriend wants you to!

She sounds controlling to me. Talk more, socialize more, be more outgoing (like me), participate, force yourself to have fun, and force yourself to have stimulating conversations with strangers. Me me me!

She should have a little more respect for the person you are, not the person she wants you to be.

She could do things in smaller doses. Why not just a double date with two of her friends instead of a bunch. Why not do something YOU want to do, maybe have a night in with a few of her friends, on YOUR turf, over a fondue, or cards or something where you can actually get to know people over conversation.

And why does she not invest more in the relationship with you itself. She says you are boring essentially, and again, you don't meet her level of energy or expectations.

She sounds terribly selfish to me; she wants her cake and eat it too comes to mind.

It is one thing if she enjoys her friends, and then respects your space and doesn't put you down or expect you to be her footman at these events. It's quite another if she is independent enough to appreciate that time with you is valuable, and she shows that she's just as, or more than, comfortable being with you instead of in a crowd.

I would say that compromise is not on her list of things to do. Seems like a line drawn in the sand, and you are expected to conform to her side, or suffer the wrath of feeling less than equal.

In my opinion, I wouldn't put up with someone who expects me to be someone I'm not.

4 months in and this much drama... I love how some of these posts say to not try to keep her home, but to go out and have more fun with her. You want my advice? If she won't compromise, then do what you want to do anyway (that's what she does). You don't have to dump her. Just do your own thing and see if she even notices. You've communicated your issues. We all say games are bad... and they are. However, this early on in the relationship requires just a little bit more stoicism on your part man. You made your case, now do your own thing. Be a little more hands off with her. 4 months in and meeting her family? It just sounds like you guys are moving way too fast.

I think she sounds immature, but I don't agree that she hasn't compromised or that she's more selfish than he is. She has apparently spent a lot of time home alone with bcv. She's made that effort and it's starting to wear on her. It sounds like she's very social.

I agree with the points that inertia made that there's too much drama after only 4 months and that bcv should be more independent.

I still think they are incompatible.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

bcv,
I recently broke up with someone in part because he would not talk in a friendly way to my friends. He always had something negative to say (afterward) to anyone I introduced him to, or just wouldn't say much. He really embarrassed me one day when we took a walk with a gay friend of mine (in other words, not a threat) and my boyfriend barely said a word to him, even though my bf was outgoing and friendly with his own friends and with total strangers. I felt that in the long run, he would isolate me from my friends.

I think you and your girlfriend are incompatible. She's bored always doing things alone together. You want to be alone with her, are anxious about her male friends (whether justifiably or not), she's flirty and annoyed with you for your refusal or inability to try to make friends with her friends and family.

If you want to try to make this work, I think for the next month you should compromise and go out with her more and at each event, separate yourself from her and talk to and get to know at least one person at each event--maybe two or three. Try to have fun. If you can do that and it begins to feel comfortable, there might be some hope for this relationship. But trying to keep this woman home with you is not going to work.

---

It's not that I don't want to socialize with her friends, it's just in part I'm afraid to make a fool of myself in front of them or her girlfriends, they are natural teasers, you know you always want to cause a nice impression on them. I really like to talk with people, even unknown people at the gym, in a cab, at the mall, on the internet, everywhere, but in part, a few of her friends come off as inmature to me, they seem to never have anything intelligent to say, they are always talking about partying, drinking or the last girl they shagged and I'm like "uhm... great". Maybe it's just that I don't know them well and so can't feel the connection with them, yet she wants me to behave and treat them like they were my own pals.

Speaking of events
Anecdote: Last week it was one of her cousin's birthday party, she asked if I wanted to go, I said yes, an hour before the event she said, "honey if you don't want to go it's ok with me I won't get angry or anything, I'll understand" I thought "great" I told her, "yeah honey I'm kind of tired and you know I might get bored there because I don't know anybody and don't feel like socializing with kids today but if you really want me to go I'll go", her cousins are in their very early twenty something's. I was really tired that day, so she went to the event and I went home, when I was home (it was Saturday night) a couple friends called me and asked if I wanted to go to their place to have drinks and eat, I asked her through text if she was OK with that before leaving, she said it's OK go and have fun.

So even though I was tired that day, I went to my friend's place just to avoid being alone at home on a Saturday night, we drank a bit, ate pizza and watched TV.Well a week later she told me she was furious because I didn't go to her cousin's birthday with her and I did go to my friends gettogether. Goes on to show women say one thing but mean another, of course I've should have known better.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I would say that most people are a little self conscious when meeting new people, and it isn't easy to just keep conversations going with complete strangers, and behave as though you've known them all your life. Time and familiarity are what makes social situations comfortable, and you can't force your comfort level, just because your girlfriend wants you to!

She sounds controlling to me. Talk more, socialize more, be more outgoing (like me), participate, force yourself to have fun, and force yourself to have stimulating conversations with strangers. Me me me!!

She should have a little more respect for the person you are, not the person she wants you to be.

She could do things in smaller doses. Why not just a double date with two of her friends instead of a bunch. Why not do something YOU want to do, maybe have a night in with a few of her friends, on YOUR turf, over a fondue, or cards or something where you can actually get to know people over conversation.

And why does she not invest more in the relationship with you itself. She says you are boring essentially, and again, you don't meet her level of energy or expectations.

She sounds terribly selfish to me; she wants her cake and eat it too comes to mind.

It is one thing if she enjoys her friends, and then respects your space and doesn't put you down or expect you to be her footman at these events. It's quite another if she is independent enough to appreciate that time with you is valuable, and she shows that she's just as, or more than, comfortable being with you instead of in a crowd.

I would say that compromise is not on her list of things to do. Seems like a line drawn in the sand, and you are expected to conform to her side, or suffer the wrath of feeling less than equal.

In my opinion, I wouldn't put up with someone who expects me to be someone I'm not.

---

That's what I keep telling her, it takes time to build friendship and feel natural around 20 unknown guys I don't know or have just seen very few times. Besides not everyone is the same, some people need more time and familiarity to build friendship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bcv

Goes on to show women say one thing but mean another, of course I've should have known better.

---

No. It goes to show that SHE said one thing and was feeling another. Don't generalize from her to all women.

You could not have known if she didn't tell you until later. It sounds like you don't like her friends. It also sounds like you are older than all her friends. (and her?).

In any case, you are not making each other happy. Time to end it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

I think she sounds immature, but I don't agree that she hasn't compromised or that she's more selfish than he is. She has apparently spent a lot of time home alone with bcv. She's made that effort and it's starting to wear on her. It sounds like she's very social.

I agree with the points that inertia made that there's too much drama after only 4 months and that bcv should be more independent.

I still think they are incompatible.

---

You are fully right, she's very social and made the effort to spend time with me in those four months but she seems she can't understand my personality or the time it takes me to socialize with her friends.

I never imagined she was getting bored of doing things alone with me, she never raised that issue, never, If she had told me something about it I would have done something inmediately to change it, I would have invited her friends, she said she thought I would change in those four months without her telling me anything, in my opinion she's rushing things a bit too much and she's being a bit selfish and inmature.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

No. It goes to show that SHE said one thing and was feeling another. Don't generalize from her to all women.

You could not have known if she didn't tell you until later. It sounds like you don't like her friends. It also sounds like you are older than all her friends. (and her?).

In any case, you are not making each other happy. Time to end it.

---

What if I tell you she and all her friends are older than me ? It's just that I'm very mature, and usually love having meaninful conversations. Don't get me wrong I can be a child around people when I feel like, enjoy myself and others. It just seems she wants things to happen her way, instantly, she doesn't communicate or seems to be willing to work on it instead of complaining when it's too late.

You have been learning things about each other the last 4 months, and finding out the differences in each other. In healthy adult relationships, the partners are willing to work together to overcome, and resolve these issues, but I suspect this whole thing has moved rather fast, and now your both seeing a side of each other that is both irritating, and annoying.

I suspect the initial things that attracted you are wearing off, and your starting to see more, and not necessarily liking what you see. What is the age difference between you, and are you living together after 4 months??

Relationships require adjustments to be made by two willing partners, or the chances of it growing, and working long term get slim, to none as the conflicts will over shadow the love.

Sometimes it takes a while to learn each others language, and be able to establish honest expressions of ones thoughts, and feelings, as it's a process, that takes time. Sadly many in a relationship are on different time tables, and that in itself is a problem.

I think the expectations you both have for each other may be unrealistic, and needs to be reevaluated so you know the adjustments that it will take and if those adjustments are worth it or not!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have been learning things about each other the last 4 months, and finding out the differences in each other. In healthy adult relationships, the partners are willing to work together to overcome, and resolve these issues, but I suspect this whole thing has moved rather fast, and now your both seeing a side of each other that is both irritating, and annoying.

I suspect the initial things that attracted you are wearing off, and your starting to see more, and not necessarily liking what you see. What is the age difference between you, and are you living together after 4 months??

Relationships require adjustments to be made by two willing partners, or the chances of it growing, and working long term get slim, to none as the conflicts will over shadow the love.

Sometimes it takes a while to learn each others language, and be able to establish honest expressions of ones thoughts, and feelings, as its a process, that takes time. Sadly many in a relationship are on different time tables, and that in itself is a problem.

I think the expectations you both have for each other may be unrealistic, and needs to be reevaluated so you know the adjustments that it will take and if those adjustments are worth it or not!

---

Yeah I think the problem is that she is rushing everything thus that's the reason I think she wants things to happen quickly and can't seem to accept my pace, she has told me she wants to marry and have kids next year or within two years with whomever she happens to be with. We are a couple years apart and no we are not living together.

The other issue is that she thinks she's too old to be single (she's 30 on december) so that's the reason she wants to marry and maybe that's the reason she is rushing everything.

All I say is, if she really loves me and wants to marry me (she told me that hundreds of times before in those four months) why is she not willing to work with me or communicate? I mean it's only four months for christ sakes.

Don't get me wrong I know if given the time I can be friends with her guys, and all her family (quite numerous might I add, she has 2 mothers and one dad , and 5 brothers and sisters, each with their own families), I've always done it with past relationships, but I also know it will take time to get to know the +20 of them to get comfortable.

The only conclusion I've come to is that she doesn't really loves me, she thinks she does because she's in love with the person she has in her mind and not who I really am.

Btw talaniman I read the quote you have down there:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs"

I think I'm just an option in her life and that's why she can't seem to compromise, and I valued her way too much and became dependent on her for happyness, it's just that I really loved her.

I think it's a red flag that she says she is going to marry in the next couple of years whoever she is with. This doesn't sound like someone with a very realistic view of relationships.

I have been where you are before only it was the other way around. I was very outgoing and my girlfriend at the time wasn't. Needless to say it didn't work out between us. We were just two different people. I never forced her to be friendly or anything but it did start to get really annoying for me. After a while it seem that everything she did was really starting to get to me and that's when I decided to call it off. She was hurt and I felt really bad for breaking up but in the long run I knew that our personality would never match. She is now married and happy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

I think it's a red flag that she says she is going to marry in the next couple of years whoever she is with. This doesn't sound like someone with a very realistic view of relationships.

---

yeah I also thought about the same thing, I thought it was all about finding the right partner, not the guy you happen to be with when it's time to marry.

I also suspect that for her a man is a comodity, she's said that women don't need a man to raise children and that "she doesn't care if she has children with a man that dumps her" because she can raise her children on her own.

Bear in mind she comes from a dysfunctional marriage, her mother raised her and her sisters alone and her father appeared on her life when she was on her early twenties.

Maybe she's right though, I put too much value on the other person and depend on her to feel happy.

overayear, problem is that I need an outgoing personality in my life, I feel attracted to that type of personality. If I dump her sooner or later I'll hook up with someone like her again. And I'm attractive, I don't have problems getting attention from outgoing girls, even with my laidback attitude I get attention from many women.

It just seems so selfish of her, and I'd really hate to see her in a year still single and unhappy just because she wasn't willing to make things work, it would break my heart.

oh well, I'll tell you all how it goes.

I had a boyfriend who really wanted to get married. He said he was 24 and he was "ready." We broke up because I didn't feel like he was really interested in me as much as in his idea of me. I'm sure there were other issues. But he met and married someone else almost immediately. They were divorced in 12 months. I have never wished I'd married him. :)

Not every out going female is the same, but your sure showing the signs of be incompatible, and unwilling to work together. Also being that dependent on a partner to make you happy, would cause me to think about what's going on with me, not her.

Life really is more about how you deal with it, than what it deals you. Maybe its for the best that you be more outgoing, and open around strangers, and enjoy it, as its been my experience that we learn from every experience we go through, no matter how many partners that we have had. But 4 months?? Slow this train down, where you can think, and adjust, and evaluate at your pace. You should be in your honeymoon phase, and still having big fun. Just me though, but way too soon for long range plans.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

I had a boyfriend who really wanted to get married. He said he was 24 and he was "ready." We broke up because I didn't feel like he was really interested in me as much as in his idea of me. I'm sure there were other issues. But he met and married someone else almost immediately. They were divorced in 12 months. I have never wished I'd married him. :)

---

You know what ? I want to make sure that doesn't happen to her. I feel like I should take care of her. Most of her really close friends are not married (they are 28,29,30 etc), some have kids but never married their girlfriends, usually are dating several people, have cheated on their girlfriends, usually partying and drinking when not working. Her sister has a child with a guy who doesn't support her, her mother is alone, etc. You know it's all these "bad" things I wish I could save her from, maybe I'm just too idealistic, seeing her alone with kids, with a cheating husband would make me feel really bad, and I'm afraid that's the type of guys she tends to like.

Quote:

---

The only conclusion I've come to is that she doesn't really loves me, she thinks she does because she's in love with the person she has in her mind and not who I really am.

---

I think that might sum it up right there.

Perhaps too, with her turning 30 in December, and her sisters and brothers all have families, there could be pressure on her to 'settle down', either by them, or pressure she puts on herself.

I don't know that there is any easy way around that. She has a goal to be married and start a family in two years. For some reason she's decided that that major decision will occur, and whoever she's with at the time as you said, is who she will marry.

As to her coming from a dysfunctional family- who isn't! Not too many can say that they had a Leave it to Beaver kind of upbringing. Actually, thinking about it, I don't know a single one off the top. Anyway, whatever is seen as causal in how she thinks and behaves is secondary to her age, and apparent maturity level.

You sound more mature in your thinking to me. When you think of all the needs that she sees as necessary to being met, and compare that to what needs you have, the entire picture is out of whack.

Maybe that's what you should think about more. What are your needs, do you think they will be met in this relationship, or do you need to find them with another woman.

If you ask her to change or to tone it down a bit she is going to become self-conscious about the way she acts in front of YOU this is going to lead to frustration and resentment.
In my past I have found outgoing flirty woman to be the most honest,dependable,and true woman you can meet because they are real,she's not hiding anything from you and that means a lot.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by zippit

if you ask her to change or to tone it down a bit she is going to become self-conscious about the way she acts in front of YOU this is going to lead to frustration and resentment.
In my past I have found outgoing flirty woman to be the most honest,dependable,and true woman you can meet because they are real,shes not hiding anything from you and that means alot.

---

Mmm a few weeks back she said to me that sometimes she can't be herself when around me because she has to watch her behavior so you are right in that aspect.

You are right in that she's real but that flirty behavior takes a while to get used to you know ? It's not easy to see men hugging, kissing and texting your girl all the time, in fact she won't let me check her phone though she usually grabs my phone to check it when I'm distracted (mainly because I don't have anything to hide) , and that's a bit of a red flag in my opinion.

And from experience I know she gets a bit upset when she sees me with other girls or texting other girls, so "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" doesn't quite apply here. From now on I won't let her check my phone.

Even if she becomes self-conscious about the way she acts, I believe she has to be mature enough to put herself in my shoes and see things from my perspective. I'm dead sure she would HATE me if I adopt her flirty behavior ( I normally try to tone it down ) along with the texting with other girls.

It feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it too, I'm going to start to eat some of the cake too.

Hey there I'm the guy from "Girlfriend can't seem to accept my laidback personality"

I mentioned she didn't want me to check her cellphone, well I did today, in front of her.

I found messages from a (recent) past ex boyfriend that she never told me about, the guy can't seem to get over her and keeps calling her and texting her on a daily basis, if that was the only issue it wouldn't be a problem I mean most women are stalked by many guys,

What raised a huge red flag is that last Saturday she was having her graduation ceremony I didn't go because I couldn't, she said she would have had to get me a special pass (according to her).

Well I found messages from her inviting him (her ex) to the ceremony (the guy can get a free pass because he works in that institution), even though she says she doesn't love him and doesn't care about the guy she INVITED the guy to her ceremony without telling me absolutely anything, I just found out today, Tuesday, by reading text messages. Fortunately the guy never went because he didn't have a proper suit for the ceremony.

She appologized and said she made a big mistake after I confronted her about it, yet that doesn't seem like enough reassurance for me, I mean I feel like I cannot trust her anymore.

I told her I'm OK with her talking to any of her past boyfriends but this guy keeps stalking her and she seems to enjoy it, she tells me that she just can't block the guy from her blackberry, just the fact that she INVITED the guy to her ceremony with her parents means she's not really done with him.

In the past I saw the name of the guy in her phone and asked who the guy was, she answered that the guy was just "a guy who likes me". Well today I found they had a 4 month relationship, went out together and said they LOVED each other many times. She said that since she really didn't care about the guy she didn't bother telling me anything more about him.

I may be overreacting, but would you be OK if your girlfriend invites her last ex to a reunion who can't seem to get over her, calls her and texts her every freaking day telling her that she's the love of his life, etc and doesn't tell you anything about it?

I mean I hate the fact that if I don't check her cellphone I would have never found out about the whole thing.

What do you think ?

Dump the , there are plenty of fish in the sea my friend.

If you can't trust her, what's the point?

I just want to know what would people do in my position, specially regarding the last issue with her ex and text messages.

You know, bcv, everyone has different boundaries. There are some people who would not be looking at her phone messages and would just judge the relationship by what transpires between the two of you.

You DO come off as very insecure. On the other hand, if I was in your shoes, I might be just as bad. That doesn't make it very grown up though.

The situation is ambiguous. Maybe she's telling the truth and is outgoing and likes to stay friends with exes. SOME people are okay with that and able to handle some ambiguity. Others, like me, are not. If it were me, I'd want her to set some limits and not talk to him. I would feel threatened.

But the thing is YOU have to take responsibility for your own boundaries. They are yours, not hers. You have to be able to risk losing her by telling her what you want. You are the one who can't handle your own jealousy. You have to be able to say to her, "these are my limits. I own them and I realize that you may not be okay with this. But I want to ask you to stop texting this guy and seeing him. For my happiness, I need you to pull back. I just can't handle it."

If she agrees to that, then you have to give her something--which is your trust. Stop taking her phone and checking up on her because that is toxic to a relationship. Stop questioning everything she does. This is why she didn't mention him to you, because you are constantly on her about other men. She didn't want to deal with the drama. So you need to give her less drama.

Or she may say, no way. And then you have to accept that. But just remember that you can't force her to live by your standards if she doesn't choose to. This is a negotiation. And it may be that you can't find a middle ground and will have to break up.

Basically, I'm saying you are the person with the problem. She likes things the way they are. Is she willing to accommodate you? And if so, what are you going to give her in exchange?

Asking I understand but the problem is that she hides these things from me, that's not OK to do in any relationship, SPECIALLY when it comes to ex boyfriends who still keep calling her,

How would you feel if your boyfriend or girlfriend texts/calls and sees her/his ex without telling you anything about it? I've always told her that I'm grateful when she tells me who is she spending time with or even if she's communicating with her exes or people who like her a lot, she always seem to manage to forget to tell me what she did.

1 ) She didn't tell me she had a thing with this guy just a few months ago, even though I asked her about him (she just said he was a "random guy who likes her").

2) She didn't tell me she invited the guy to her reunion.

3) If I don't check her cell phone I never find out about it.

I already told her what I want and what I expect from her from now on, she told me she made a mistake and realized that if I were to do what she did she would be really upset with me. Still even after all this, I'll have to check her phone from time to time.

You said I have to give her trust in exchange, I believe trust is not something you can just give like that, it's something you must earn, something that builds up with time.

I didn't check her cellphone for about 3 or 4 weeks, one day I picked it up to get online on msn and she immediately took it off my hands, I said "are you hiding something" she said "No, I don't want anyone checking my phone".

Well I did check it today and bam found she was communicating with her Ex, the guy telling her he loves her and can't live without her, inviting her to trips, etc. and even she invited the guy to her graduation ceremony (have in mind I wasn't there because I needed a special pass and she never really invited me), would you "GIVE" trust to someone like her, I just can't, she has to earn it again.

You are not in a healthy relationship. Neither of you is behaving well. You cannot force her to behave the way you want her to. You are trying to control her, telling her what you expect of her (rather than getting a genuine agreement) and then checking up on her. Meanwhile, she is becoming devious, hiding things from you that formerly she didn't.

You need to break up, and move on. Instead of wasting more time trying to make her do something she clearly doesn't want to do, find someone whose values are more like your own. A healthy relationship is not about coercion. Why stay in a relationship that is not working? Why spend all this energy trying to make her be something she is not?

If you just want to be right, get a dog. If you want a relationship with another adult, you need to try again with someone else. Either way, let this woman go her own way.

It is what is is, unfortunately.

She has an affair going on (to what extent, who knows, but an affair of some description), and had a pre-arranged date, for him to attend one of the most important days of her life. Most of us graduate only once, and it is certainly something you would expect to be sharing with the one you love. With the one you love...

I don't think it matters whether he went or not, the point is, she wanted him to share that event with her. Makes me wonder what she had planned for the celebration afterwards.

If you re-read your own post, let the information really sink in. You aren't imagining things, or making situations worse than they are. How you see this, is all that matters, and how you interpret the truth, and see what is in front of you, is all that counts.

To put all the information you have under the rug, is not going to change anything.

The worst injustice you can do to yourself, is not to be true to yourself. This is your life, and you have to live it without continuously doubting yourself. You'll end up spinning your wheels, and never get anywhere.

If you had stopped at a diner along the road, had a terrible meal that tasted like anchovies, when it was supposed to be a burger, and the apple pie tasted like roadkill, and the waitress had huge warts on her nose, would you likely return for another meal?

I would say that if you kept going back to the same diner, you will likely get the same meal.

Great analogy, Jake!

BCV, I feel like you keep going back to that diner asking for your favorite dish. You're not going to get it -- even if you threaten the chef and call the health department.

You don't trust her ( I don't blame you), and she wants you to be someone you're not.

HMMMM... this one is tough.

I say that you should cut her loose, and go find someone that loves you the way you are, and that will be true to you.

She will make your life miserable. She is a "changeling". Her type tries to "mold" their partner to fit their sick little mold. It NEVER works.

If you don't, you are going to be on this site every night with some issue or another.

Good luck to you.