I've read a couple posts on here, explaining that the best way to go about healing yourself is to adhere strictly to the No Contact Rule. I am thinking about doing this, but I have some specific questions to ask about it.

In my situation, I am a sophomore at college who met this girl in the first couple days of my freshman year. This girl was my neighbor as well as in my class (that extended and was a year long). Probably due to these circumstances, we were pushed towards each other. One of my roommates always went to bed early, so at night I would almost always go in and hang out in her room with my roommate, her roommate, and another girl from our floor. We all got along pretty well, but me and her especially clicked, and I developed strong feelings for her 2 or 3 weeks into school. Due to constantly seeing her and realizing that her rejecting me would be impossible to get away from because of how often I saw her, I ended up waiting until the spring to ask her out. She said yes, and we went out, both of us (seemingly) very happy with it because we were such good friends first. What I didn't realize at the time (it became very apparent over the summer) was that, in our entire time together, she never went out of her way to hang out with me/text me/call me, it was always me reaching out to her. Over the summer, I realized this, but made a firm resolution not to argue over the summer. Now, this was my first real relationship, so I admit I might have made a mistake here, I shouldn't have kept my feelings bottled in, but instead of not telling her, I ended up just not texting/calling (obviously, she did not text/call either, but when I did it, it basically brought our relationship to a halt).

When we got back to school, I planned to talk to her and explain the problem, assuming that she liked me enough to make an effort to communicate more with me. However, when we talked, instead of her thinking about what she could have done differently/how she could have worked harder, she just said the whole thing was too hard and she didn't think it was worth it anymore (funny that she didn't think that when I was doing all the work). However, she still wanted to go back to being friends, even though as friends it was still terrible for me reaching out and helping her while she never tried to do the same for me. I didn't explicitly say it, but the way I walked away from her when it got too much to take showed her that I did not want to talk to her.

About a week later, she texted me asking me to talk. I did not want to torture her the way she did me by playing games, so I just responded saying she needed to think about what she wanted and then talk to me. A few days later, she said she wanted to talk. I suspected she didn't really think it over, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she did and agreed to talk.

We talked, she seemed to listen to me, and told me she wanted to change, that she didn't like always being in her comfort zone. I told her if she was willing to try, I'd help her. We both agreed to go back to being friends, but then things led to things and we were kissing and then going out again.

It's been three weeks since then, and she seemed to make a good faith effort for the first couple of days, but pretty soon she was back to not trying, not making an effort, etc. I told her we needed to talk, and due to both of us having busy schedules, the silence between that lasted a week. Last night we talked, I told her that while I felt I was at least trying to work on some of the problems she had with the relationship (honesty), she was not really trying to step outside her comfort zone for me. She said that she just didn't feel comfortable doing that, that she hated how our relationship inevitably became a cycle of a brief happy period followed by problems (even though I consider myself a pretty mellow guy, the only problems I had with her was that she didn't seem to care), and that she wanted to go back to just being friends. After a lot of strain, I told her I would.

However, that night, our original group (which not coincidentally had grown to include a few more of her close friends) went out, and I realized that I just couldn't pretend like I was okay with going back to being friends. I put in so much more than her, so seeing her be happy with me being just one of the pack was too much. Tonight, our whole group is supposed to go out for a Halloween party. Part of me doesn't want to go out, but I know that I shouldn't let her control my life. But I am planning on telling her face to face that I don't wish to contact her anymore.

The problem is, she is such a big part of my life. We were both freshmen that came into school knowing no one, and we both made the same group of close friends. If I am ever with them they end up talking about her. She is in one of my classes and I sit with her. When we go out to parties she is in our group. I really don't have another group of friends that I am as tight with, because I haven't needed one. Obviously I could start trying to make new friends, but a little bit into sophomore year, a lot of people have already settled on who they hang out with. In addition, I go to a huge school, so it is hard to make close friends, a lot of the people you meet become your casual friends. So I am not sure if I will be able to cut her out of my life, it seems like she will constantly pop back up. How do I stick to the No Contact Rule when it seems like she is always around?

Well delete her number for starters and don't reply to any of her texts. I doubt you will be able to totally avoid her, but you don't need to talk to her when she's around. If she looks at you, turn your back on her, if she gets into a conversation you are having with friends that are her mates too, then turn away. Act like she's not there, and eventually it will be OK. Yes its going to be hard at first, but you were strong enough to make this decision and realise what you want, so I'm sure you will get through this =)

Could this be a sign you need to expand your friends, or activities, to get out of your circle sometimes?

Get involved in activities that don't include your ex. Make friends with new people-it ll happen if you put some effort into it.
Have as little contact with her as you possibly can-that s the most quick way to get over the breakup.

Thanks everybody. Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to find some clubs or something and make some more friends. I didn't realize it before because all of us always hung out and it was never a problem. I deleted her from my phone/facebook, but I still think about her way too much. Are there any tips for not thinking about her? I still wake up every morning earlier than I'd like and just lie awake with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

When you wake up, get up, and get busy with something. Anything is better than just laying their thinking.

Can you do something productive when you wake up? I'm not sure how early you are waking up, and I realize you probably have roommates who you can't disturb, but if it's a decent hour you can workout, go for a run/walk, do some schoolwork, read, etc. The worst thing to do is to stay in bed and think about her. Are you getting enough sleep? If not, work on ways to sleep better – wear yourself out before going to bed, make sure your bed is comfortable (though dorm beds are the pits usually – I brought in my own mattress) and your room is comfortable (on the cool side).

The best way to not think about her is to concentrate on yourself and your interests. I also went to a large university (30,000 people). There was always something to do – lectures, clubs, sports, and lots more. I met people throughout my years there. I don't buy that people are set in their friendships. Just think of all the new students who have just started school there. Have fun, learn as much as you can, and move on. There are so many girls out there for you to meet. Good luck.

It helps if you get out of bed straight away have a shower a coffee read the papers watch the news go for a walk/run and keep doing this every day on autopilot if need be until you feel better. No point staying in bed feeling miserable. Remember in time you ll feel much good again.

Yeah, that sounds good. I guess I'll get up and take a shower or something.

She sent me an email replying to the email where I explained to her that I would prefer not to communicate with her anymore. She says that she hopes I can talk to her when I'm ready, I feel that is unfair to put our relationship on me, but obviously I am not talking to her so I am not going to tell her that. I do think when I'm ready I will try and be her friend but I feel after everything she's done she is going to have to be the one who contacts me (and only when I'm ready, if I'm not she'll have to try again).

But yeah, I definitely feel worse after reading her reply. I wish I had the power to just delete it without looking, but I am way to naturally curious for my own good.

Reading her reply is only natural my man. If you didn't you would probably go crazy thinking about what it said. I do the same thing. However, knowing that her email made you feel worse just confirms why you need to stick to the no contact rules. Any contact takes you two steps back. Don't feel obligated to keep someone in your life who if its not healthy for you. It will probably be some time, but you might eventually get to a point wher you can be friends, but until then focus on your own well being.

Block her email address-delete her phonenumbers or change your own. That s how you protect yourself.

I've got a question for anyone out there. For guys, did your girlfriend ever call you or ever unexpectedly get/do something for you? For girls, same question, but I am asking if you personally did. I want to get an idea of if how dysfunctional my relationship was.

Do you mean do as in a nice surprise or a treat?

Just something that was not expected. Not something like giving your boyfriend a birthday present because he gave you one first. Not something like calling him because he told you to call him. But something that was completely thought up by the girl on her own, something unexpected.

Well yes-whenever I ve been in relationships I ve done things like buying little gifts,cooking a favourite meal,bought tickets to football games etc, and my exes have done the same. My take on this :its part of what you do to show your love and affection.
I don't mean this as an attempt at buying someone's love its just nice little things you do to show you care.

Yeah, no I don't think you're buying love or anything. I just know that my girlfriend never did any of that. She never even called me (we go to the same school, but over the summer). She would say that she cared, but everything she did suggested otherwise. She made me so ridiculously insecure because she never went out of her way to let me know she cared, and almost made it seem like I was doing her a favor by talking to her.

Over the summer, once I realized she never called/texted, I decided to stop for a week to see what she would do. She didn't do anything. I called her, told her about it, she apologized and said she would try. Later in the summer I realized she still hadn't called and had barely texted, so I stopped calling/texting again. She didn't do anything... again. I basically learned that she was willing to let the relationship die if it meant doing a little bit of work that I didn't think was asking too much.

It sucks because I loved (and still do) who she was, but I couldn't live with how she acted towards me. After we broke up the second time, I convinced myself that she just wouldn't try to change no matter how much it was hurting me. The problem is whenever I think about her, it is about who she was, not how she acted.

There are so many girls to choose from that you will find one where you will love both who she is and how she treats you. This part of your life is about figuring out who you are and what you want. Your relationship has taught you something about yourself. Don't settle for less than you want.

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Originally Posted by dlowell08

Obviously I could start trying to make new friends, but a little bit into sophomore year, a lot of people have already settled on who they hang out with.

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I'm in my fifth year, and I've made a bunch of new friends this semester, so it's definitely possible. You could take up some kind of organized (team) sports, or join an organization or something, that's a great way to make new friends. It's not too late.

Hey everybody. I'm actually in a good mood right now because I talked about it with one of my good friends so I already vented it all out, but I need advice on how to handle this situation.

So, my ex now lives a floor above me. On that floor, I have quite a few good friends. I was invited to the floor IM flag football team (this was before we broke up) and I accepted and played with them as recently as last week (again, before we broke up). She had never played before, I guess because she was always too busy.

Today, I knew there was a game and nobody made any indication that she would play to me, so I told them I would go. After I got there and started warming up, one of my friends was on the phone asking my ex's best friend where she was. I interrupted him and asked him if that meant she was coming to. He guiltily and sheepishly said "yeah", and "my bad". I walked over to get my stuff, and waited for her to go through the gate before I left. After I didn't see her go through for awhile, I just said screw it and left.

I guess what I am wondering is, if we did both play, how would I handle the situation? Or did I handle it correctly by just leaving? Not that I care what she thinks, but for reasons I don't really understand I don't want to look like I am hurting to her, I don't want her to know how I am feeling at all. She's lost that privilege. Did I act correctly? Or should I have stayed?

I would have stayed, and played, and had a great time. That's just me though.

So, now that both of us have played on the team, what if next week, we both play?

I'm really confused as to what to do. I don't know if I would be able to take it (I could front and take it, but it would hurt), but like I said, I'm not trying to show weakness. I don't know. If I get there first, I think I'll play, but what if she is already at the field when I arrive?

I know am allowed to be selfish now, but the thing is, I am just not a selfish person. It's her floor, I figure that I am a guest on the team, and I wouldn't stop anyone who is actually on the floor from playing. It's not that I am trying to make her feel comfortable. I just don't feel comfortable intruding.

Anything? I promise you, just because I am writing in a composed tone, doesn't mean I am not going through some terrible times right now. Any advice on what to do is appreciated.

Generally speaking you have the right to partake in any events you like never mind that your ex might be there. Once you ve gone through the first hurdle so so speak you ll probably feel more comfortable with the situation.
All breakups are hurtful but you will feel better with time-its not a cliché but the truth.
Take care.

Should I try not think about her at all? Or will that come eventually?

Does it only come eventually if I make a conscious effort. Because every night before I go to bed, I think about her. I only think about the bad things and all the frustrating things I never got a chance to tell her she was doing.

Is this bad too? It's hard not to think about her, because all my happiness when I am hanging out with other people feels empty. Like even if I'm not thinking about her, knowing I will think about her when I am alone makes me enjoy everything less. But do I need to train myself not to think about her or does it come naturally?

Hi.
Where you re at at the moment thinking about the ex is rather normal Id say. Could you start doing something like reading in bed before you go to sleep? That might help you take your mind off things.
When you re out with your friends try to enjoy yourself as much as you can-you need to allow yourself to have fun!

So, it's been two weeks since the No Contact start, and I am doing a lot better, don't confuse that with good, but I am starting to believe you all when you say it gets better with time. Since I want to get there though, I got to ask you all some questions about how to go about it properly.

1) I go running with what is essentially her roommate (next door neighbor and part of her "group"). She has never brought my ex up in front of me, as we went over that, and I am pretty close to certain that she would never bring my ex to go running with us. Is this a healthy friendship for me to continue?

2) I am in class with and sit next to this girl who actually is one of her roommates. We never talk about my ex, I have never explicitly told her not to do so, but I think she gets it. The thing is, I know for a FACT she is closer to my ex than she is with me. But as long as she keeps us separate, is it okay for me to be casual friends with her?

3) I am still thinking about her every night. Now what I think about is all the things I would say if I had one more chance, all the ways I would tell her she screwed up. I have been writing a lot about all this too. I know you guys say to just not think about her at all, good or bad, but honestly me playing over in my head that she screwed up is in a way therapeutic for me. The problem is I really don't know if I will ever stop being able to think about her, and that is kind of scary. Do I need to start forcing her out of my mind? How do I do that (and I mean besides staying busy, because there are still plenty of moments where I am alone by definition, shower, going to bed, going to the bathroom, walking to class).

4) Lastly, one of our mutual friends is a part of her "group". It is complicated though, because I know she is closer with me, yet she necessarily hangs out with my ex and her friends more (because she lives next door and, like I said, all the people I hung out with freshman year kind of stuck with each other). Well, lately she has been talking to me about how isolated she feels from the group, and that my ex by far isolates her the most, and really telling me her feelings about the whole situation (which mirror my thoughts about how my ex treated me and really helped me realize it wasn't just me). She doesn't really have anyone else to talk about it with though. My question is, can I still help her out through her problems even though one of her problems is my ex? Is it okay to talk about her if I am doing it to help out a friend? But if it is, how am I going to not care about her either way if I am constantly reminded of the bad things she does?

I sincerely believe I could get myself to think of my ex in an only negative sense, but from what I have read on this board, the ultimate goal is to not think about her at all. So I feel guilty for even thinking bad about her.

Any help is appreciated.

I d try to make some new friends if I were you-anyone who s close to your ex and especially if they have issues with her are too close for comfort.
As for thinking about her that will fade with time. Keep your mind busy and try not to dwell on the past.

First off, I want to extend a special thanks to amicon for all the advice and help.

Second off, I don't know, I'm worried. I'm worried I will never be able to stop thinking about her. It's been three weeks and she still dominates my thoughts. Is this normal? Maybe I am doing something wrong in no contact which is why I seem to be stuck in the not devastated, but seemingly not making any progress zone? There was one point, probably a little over a week ago, where I was feeling amazing, and I would just say to myself "not worth it" when I thought of her. But lately I've been feeling pretty down, and I can't overpower my thoughts, they seem to be overpowering me instead. How do I take control?

Any help is appreciated.

I know its not easy but you can control your thoughts by having a plan of action when you do think about her. Also be patient as it takes time to replace old memories with new ones.

Your feelings are normal and you re not doing anything wrong-you will find that as time passes, you ll have more ups than downs. Be patient with yourself and like Talaniman said have a backup plan-lose yourself in physical activity,watch films that make you laugh, read a good book etc.
Take good care of yourself.

This is in response to what you posted on the NC thread- you're still holding on to false hope and that's what's holding you back. That's what most people do for a while but once you move past that,as you will,you'll start feeling a lot better.

I have a lot of angry feelings towards my ex, I think about her a lot, and I am always incredibly pissed at her and how she could use me like she did and not even care.

Is this healthy? Or do I need to let this go? To be honest, I feel like letting it go benefits her. She just gets to go on thinking what she did was okay. I know I don't talk to her ever (I saw her today though), but rationally or not I am really pissed at her, probably because I only realized what she was doing after I started No Contact, and I never got closure or got to tell her how messed up she was towards me. I understand that I am not supposed to talk to her, but I can't let this anger go. Should I? Will I? What do I do?

Your anger is normal,considering the circumstances Try channeling it into physically demanding sports and maybe pour all your angry feelings into a letter which you then destroy.
It will go away so don't worry.
Take care.

So, things were going MUCH better over winter break. We live far away from each other and none of my friends at home (besides the ones who go to school with me) know her so I don't have to fear her coming up in a conversation (even though a lot of my friends at school are good at that, there is still always the possibility, which is really unnerving). It was a good break that gave me perspective on some very valuable things (like remembering that I have a LOT of friends back home, so I don't need any at school that aren't going to treat me as an equal, no matter how few I have).

School is a different story. I've been back for two weeks, and I've seen her like 6 times, 1 time laughing and smiling. She's rude too. Today she was with her friend in the computer lab I was working at, and she was talking to her. I put my headphones on and blocked it out, but I would have thought she would at least have respect for my feelings. Or maybe not. I have a sneaking suspicion that she hasn't reflected at all on what she did and put me through and is therefore not taking it too hard at all. I sincerely want to just let her have it and tell her all the bull things she did and how terrible of a friend/girlfriend she was and how she used me and how she set me up in terrible positions and all this other crap. Is this even normal? It's been two months and three weeks since it has happened, should I still be feeling this? Is it different because I feel used? I don't like these feelings of wanting her to feel the same type of pain that she made me feel (cause I sincerely doubt she took it that hard), but I can't get them away. I thought I was making tons of progress, guess not.

I know I am being the bigger person by not talking in front of her when I walk by her with my friends. I know I'm being the bigger person by not inviting her roommates or anything to hang out (though they often hang out with my roommate). But honestly, I'm the one who got used. Why is it that I am the only one trying to be the bigger person? It is incredibly frustrating when deep down you start to realize someone won't change but you still want them to. But I can't just let go of seeing the best in her. Does that inevitably fade? Or do I need to take steps to MAKE it fade?

Goddamn, not one of my better days.

You're allowed the odd off day or two.
You had a good time over your hols-now you're back where all this happened-so it's bound to make you feel a bit down in the dumps.

Being the bigger man is the way to go.
They-none of them-should be dignified by a reaction from you.
Keep up your good work and keep believing in yourself.

But I don't even think she realizes that doing stuff like talking in front of me or inviting my roommate to hang out has an effect on me, she probably has no idea. So I don't even know what being the bigger person accomplishes, honestly.

What's your option?
Telling her and losing face?
She's probably an emotional cripple and you're not.
Ignore her-ignore her behaviour.
New semester-new life.

I know you're right, I do and I appreciate it. I'm not going to go do anything I regret cause my head is stronger than my heart. But it's so hard to accept that she won't change, as much as I told myself I had moved on. Maybe it's an off day, but though I've made a few new friends so far this quarter, they just don't fill the void.

I'm living with some people that don't know her next year, so I think that will be better for me, I just feel like I have to survive this year because we both set it up this year so our lives would be intertwined (or at least mine would be intertwined with hers, she played me and shielded herself damn well), so it still feels like she is always there.

I guess it's just good to be told and reassured that what I'm doing is the right thing because out here no one knows what I'm going through and I start to feel isolated and like I am overreacting or something. So thanks. I'll make today a good day hopefully.

Here's wishing you many good days and new better friends. :-)

Like, in summary, today was a good day. I made the best of it, met a few new people, and celebrated my friend's birthday. But then when we were all sitting in my dorm room, and my roommate gets up and just says, see you. And when one of my friends asks him what he's doing he says he is going to party with the people "upstairs" (which is as vague as he can put it). It's not his fault, he tried to not explain it, but still now I am sitting here knowing that she's out tonight having a good time and I just don't want to hear anything about her anymore. That news just killed my mood. It's like every time I feel like I am close to getting out I get sucked back in. Either I see her around or she subtly enters the conversation. It's terrible.