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There is a misconception that the One who breaks up doesn't care about the person because they are the ones who ended it, well that is so not true.
My Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we had our share of problems believe me. We broke up in the past very briefly and he wanted a reconciliation so we decided to get back together. I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because he just didn't have time for me. He was dealing with a lot of stuff, the illness of his father has taken a toll on him and he works day and night. On the nights I went to him he would fall asleep in mid conversation and put his head on my lap and just fall asleep. This frustrated me very much because it seemed like all he cared about was work. I appreciate a hard working man like the next woman but 7 days a week from morning till night? This was ridiculous, he is self-employed so this was uncessary. He would tell me he is in love with me and wants to marry me but I just need to wait until he can pay off his debts and help pay for his father's medical expenses. I think he is a workaholic who's main interest is making money.
Three weeks ago we both went away separately. I went overseas on vacation with my sister and he went to visit his relatives. He said he would call me with his contact information. Well when I came back he didn't call me until 3 days later but I missed the call. I tried to call back the next day but it went straight to voice mail. I think he should have made a greater effort to reach me but I guess he was too "busy" to do it. I turned off my phone and changed my numbers for a week so that he would not be able to contact me. He knows I'm a straight shooter and I have very little tolerance for nonsense but as harsh as it may seem this is method of breaking up works for me because keeping in contact with him will only make breaking up harder.
I really do care about him and its hurting me that it turned out like this but this is the way I deal with things, cutting off contact all together. Perhaps when he returns we will be able to talk about things but for now it doesn't look good for us. I know he really cares for me but I felt unappreciated too long.

I don't think anyone ever said that the dumper doesn't care about the dumpee...

The problem actually comes up because the dumper actually DOES care about the dumpee, and tries to not hurt the dumpee, and does the "we need space"... and this sends the dumpee into a confused outlook as to why they broke up, etc.

I know my ex cared about me, and I know she still does.

Sneeze is so right as all to often we see a breakup, and the poor dumpee is in shock and disbelief, and then the dumper comes with lets be friends, and still in shock, the dumpee agrees. Don't give the person you dumped any false hope, with that friends crap. Let the guy get over you. If you care as you say.

I have no intention of hurting him. I don't think friendship is a good idea either because I don't want to give him false hope. But what will I say or do if he suggests a friendship?

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because he just didn't have time for me.

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Did you explain to him that he's risking your loss through his inattention? There will always be "stuff" to be dealt with on both sides. What are you dealing with that it isn't your turn to be there for him?

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

I appreciate a hard working man like the next woman...

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Have you told him? Have you discussed balancing work/home life with him?

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

He would tell me he is inlove with me and wants to marry me but I just need to wait until he can pay off his debts and help pay for his father's medical expenses.

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Doesn't sound like a bad plan to me. If you're in debt, getting out of it should be a priority. I see a responsible man who takes care of family and wants to be a good provider, especially if he's self-employed as there are no guaranteed paychecks. He's working for YOU.

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

I turned off my phone and changed my numbers for a week so that he would not be able to contact me.

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I've had a phone number changed on me. [opinion of you deleted] I'm surprised he's still talking to you.

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

this ... method of breaking up works for me...I know he really cares for me, I felt unappreciated too long

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Rationalization for using contact as a weapon to punish him.

So let me get this straight, you feel unappreciated because he is working to get HIMSELF out of debt and take care of his father? Family comes before any relationship in my eyes, I would rather have my father healthy and living than some girl who gets their panties in a bunch because I am working to help someone who helped me as a child!

Then you go the childish route and get angry because he couldn't call you right away when you wanted him to. You both were on vacation, ENJOY IT! Then you change your phone number because of that? Are you 15 years old? That's not being a straight shooter, that's being stuck up and someone who thinks they should be priority number one in life. NEWSFLASH! Family is the most important thing, they were there before you and you know what... They will still be there after you

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Originally Posted by Scleros

Did you explain to him that he's risking your loss through his inattention? There will always be "stuff" to be dealt with on both sides. What are you dealing with that it isn't your turn to be there for him?


Have you told him? Have you discussed balancing work/home life with him?

Doesn't sound like a bad plan to me. If you're in debt, getting out of it should be a priority. I see a responsible man who takes care of family and wants to be a good provider, especially if he's self-employed as there are no guaranteed paychecks. He's working for YOU.

I have helped this man out financially on several occasions, sometimes he would swallow his pride and ask for assistance and sometimes I would offer to help him and he never refused. I make a pretty decent living so I never had a problem giving him anything and he would be the first to admit it. I want to be there for him and he just doesn't accept it. He didn't tell me about his father until very recent and it bothered me because I could have offered him emotional support as well. He is like a brick wall lately not letting "me" in.

I've had a phone number changed on me. [opinion of you deleted] I'm surprised he's still talking to you.

Rationalization for using contact as a weapon to punish him.

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I have discussed this with him several times in the last couple of months. We are both busy hard working individuals but at least I made the effort to see him. In the beginning our relationship I was the busier person and he sulked a lot about it. I told him that my company gave me a lot of materials to go over in a short amount of time and so I wouldn't have time, yet I compromised made time to see him and to tell him that I am there for him despite my responsibilities.

I don't believe he is still talking to me. He was the first one to turn off his phone on me, I took that as he didn't want anything to do with me so I did the same. In our last conversation before I went away I called him to tell him how much I'm going to miss him but before I could say anything he just came on and said in a very annoying voice, "let me call you back", knowing full well that communication between us would be shut off for a week. This is a give and take. If I were to get into the specifics of everything you might see things differently.

[QUOTE=Romefalls19]So let me get this straight, you feel unappreciated because he is working to get HIMSELF out of debt and take care of his father? Family comes before any relationship in my eyes, I would rather have my father healthy and living than some girl who gets their panties in a bunch because I am working to help someone who helped me as a child!

Then you go the childish route and get angry because he couldn't call you right away when you wanted him to. You both were on vacation, ENJOY IT! Then you change your phone number because of that? Are you 15 years old? That's not being a straight shooter, that's being stuck up and someone who thinks they should be priority number one in life. NEWSFLASH! Family is the most important thing, they were there before you and you know what... They will still be there after you[/QUOTE

I never disputed that family isn't the most important thing. I totally agree with that, I just wish he had let me help him more from shutting me out.

Sometimes people deal with things very internally, I know I do. If I am having a problem, I sort it out myself and try not to bring my problems into the lives of others. It's a complex thing, we don't want to plague someone else's life with our issues and just think we can solve everything ourselves

I know that sometimes when couples reach a certain stage in their relationship they want to make a strong commitment by moving in together and that's fine for some people but not for me. He recently came back after three long months apart. Just before he left we got into a fight and I was concerned that our relationship will not stand the test of time. But he told me that he loves me even more now and wants us to live together. I am moving into a new place and he said it would be perfect if we lived together but I don't want to. I have verbalized this to him before and he just shrugged it off but I meant it. When he asked to move in I smiled and tactfully changed the subject. But I know he will be asking again and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The only way we live together is if we get married. He has mentioned that he wants to marry me on several occasions but I know that its in the future. I have no objection to him sleeping over sometimes but the actual living together is a different story. I don't know how to break it to him easily. Knowing him he will think that I'm not serious about him but that's not true at all.
Any advice would be appreciated.

You tell him you're not comfortable with that situation, that you have very strong beliefs and opinions about living together. He either understands it or he doesn't. If he does not respect your reasons, he is not for you anyway.

Don't do anything you don't want to do, especially that. Living together is too big a step to make if it's not something you want to do.

Age and relationship time?

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Originally Posted by hjpan

Age and relationship time?

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I'm 31 and he's 37 and we've only been together for 8 months.

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

I'm 31 and he's 37 and we've only been together for 8 months.

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Not enough time. Wait for one year & half.

Just my opinion,
Living together= Experiment

Marriage= Commitment

6 Months = Have fun getting to know a stranger.

6-12 months= Exclusive dating as its good enough to continue having fun and learning each other

18-2 years Growing together, bonding, and laying the ground work for good communications, and working together to solve your problems, to the benefit of you both. This is also where serious talking about the future comes in.

Stick by your guns, if he can't handle the heat, get him out of the kitchen. There may be no easy way of doing this, but honesty is best.

My girlfriend moved in with me after being together for a year.

... I went crazy after 6 months.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

My gf moved in with me after being together for a year.

...I went crazy after 6 months.

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Hahaha!

8 months is no time, and you've already had one break up. Stick to your guns. If he does not like it, he is not for you anyway.

Thank you guys for your advice. This isn't going to be an easy task believe me. When he looks at me with those georgeous eyes makes it that much harder. He's on his way over right now and if he doesn't bring it up tonight I certainly wouldn't.

Good luck, and not to downplay this guy's emotions towards you, but 8 months is a very short amount of time and is even considered still being in the "honeymoon phase"... enjoy it.

You have told him before about how you feel and he shrugged it off, sounds like he does not take you too seriously. Make sure he does. This will be a test.
Good luck.

Don't let his looks fool you.

... possibly.. . do guys "test" girls..

... I may post this question on the main thread... but I don't test girls... and most of my buddies don't "test" girls...

Maybe girls think we test you guys because YOU guys test us..

**UPDATE**

So I mentioned to my boyfriend that I don't want us to live together unless we are married. I thought for sure he would be a deal breaker but in a complete turn of events he tells me that we should get married! At first I thought it was a joke, I laughed but he had a poker face. I told him sometime in the future we've only been together for about eight months. He says that he is ready to settle down with a woman who he loves and trust and said that I have all the qualities he's been looking for. I have no doubt in my mind that he is a good man who would treat me very well but I don't know if he just saying these things because he thinks its what I want to hear or if he really means it. Our relationship has been a rocky one just a little while ago, he went away for three months and its like he's on this high. He wants me to meet his family asap. If all these things he's saying is true that scares me because although I would like to get married someday, I don't want it to be before 2009 like he suggests.
Please give me insight on this, I know he cares for me but he's moving way too fast and its making me nervous.

He's 37, you're 31 and madly in love that's why he's clouded.

There are a lot of things still needs to be considered in marriage like compatibility of personality & beliefs, quirks, who's who, money, kids from previous marriage, career, properties etc.

What's with the hurry by the way?

No choice but just be honest and stand by on your word.

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

**UPDATE**

So I mentioned to my bf that I don't want us to live together unless we are married. I thought for sure he would be a deal breaker but in a complete turn of events he tells me that we should get married! At first I thought it was a joke, I laughed but he had a poker face. I told him sometime in the future we've only been together for about eight months. He says that he is ready to settle down with a woman who he loves and trust and said that I have all the qualities he's been looking for. I have no doubt in my mind that he is a good man who would treat me very well but I don't know if he just saying these things because he thinks its what I want to hear or if he really means it. Our relationship has been a rocky one just a little while ago, he went away for three months and its like he's on this high. He wants me to meet his family asap. If all these things he's saying is true that scares me because although I would like to get married someday, I don't want it to be before 2009 like he suggests.
Please give me insight on this, I know he cares for me but he's moving way too fast and its making me nervous.

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Don't let his poker face get to you...

Eight months relationship is not a long time; the age gap is not that bad~

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Originally Posted by Lovelee

I know that sometimes when couples reach a certain stage in their relationship they want to make a strong committment by moving in together and thats fine for some people but not for me. He recently came back after three long months apart. Just before he left we got into a fight and I was concerned that our relationship will not stand the test of time. But he told me that he loves me even more now and wants us to live together. I am moving into a new place and he said it would be perfect if we lived together but I don't want to. I have verbalized this to him before and he just shrugged it off but I ment it. When he asked to move in I smiled and tactfully changed the subject. But I know he will be asking again and I don't want to hurt his feelings. The only way we live together is if we get married. He has mentioned that he wants to marry me on several occasions but I know that its in the future. I have no objection to him sleeping over sometimes but the actual living together is a different story. I don't know how to break it to him easily. Knowing him he will think that I'm not serious about him but thats not true at all.
Any advice would be appreciated.

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My wife and I lived together a while, a year, before we got married, but... and you never know, but, we thought we would in fact get married. We did. Without going into the morality of it or whether it's good for you longer term or not, I hear (read) you saying no, not until you're married. Please, tell him, in the words you typed, no fewer and no more, "The only way we live together is if we get married. " if that is what you really want to convey to him, and don't be shy about it. There's nothing wrong with it.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

He's 37, you're 31 and madly in love thats why he's clouded.

There are a lot of things still needs to be considered in marriage like compatibility of personality & beliefs, quirks, whos who, money, kids from previous marriage, career, properties etc.

Whats with the hurry by the way?

No choice but just be honest and stand by on your word.

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His father passed away recently and he adopted this "hold on to everything precious" attitude. He mentioned to me that life is too short to waste time, and if you know what you want in life why not get it now. He told me that he is 37 and is finally ready to settle down, something he thought he could never do before. In terms of money, we both make a pretty decent living. He has a teenage daughter who he adores and personality? Well lets just say its never a dull moment with us. I am still a little suspicious though. Men aren't usually the ones crazy about marriage.

What a dilemma, slowing down a runaway train. There is no hurry to do anything, except get to know each other, and see is there a possibility for the next level. After 8 months the attraction is still intense but has not stood the test of time, nor has it convinced you to even change your stance, so sit back, and buckle up, and see how he acts.

If it ain't no fun now, I doubt if marriage will help!

Take your time. He just lost his father and is looking at things from a different level.
8 months is not a long time and it's been a rocky time at that. Get to know one another. He needs to work through his grief before he can even think about a marriage he had not thought about previously.
Take your time!

Homegirl is right, he thinks getting married will fill the whole in his soul after his loss, he needs time to heal, and get healthy again.

Recently I posted the topic "my boyfriend wants us to live together" and now I am here again with other stress like issues.

Background information-Bf came back after 3 months on this high talking about how we should live together and getting married and all that. I thought everything was going very well for us but I find that problems are arising again and its really starting to PMO.

He has been back for about two weeks now and we have yet to spend any real together. I was stood up four times since and I've gotten no apologies just empty promises. Then when I try to call him the phone is off or he lets it ring out. Last night when I finally got him on the phone he yelled at me for me getting upset that he avoided all day! This morning he calls apologizing for yelling saying that he is under a lot of stress and that he would like to see me today. When I tried calling him just a little while ago his phone is off yet again! He works seriously like 16 hours a day and is too tired and busy to see me regularly. I have spoken to him until I'm blue in the face. All I hear is how much he wants to be with me, how much he loves me and all of that nonsens, yet I really don't see it. How can I believe this man wants to marry me if he can't even spare one hour over the weekend. I don't want to be unreasonable here but if you can't spend any time with me whatsoever then please tell me so. I have too many other issues dealing with then to hold on to a neglectful boyfriend.
I just want to know this, how can you claim you want to be with someone so much yet can't spare a minute of your time with me, I don't even ask for much, just one little hour over the weekend. This is unexceptable, and his avoiding me after I get stood up is just making matters worse for him... please somebody help me decide what to do because I just about ready to give up.

He's showing you that his job and free time are more important than you, listen to him. There has been background issues already, he gets angry with you when he's to blame. Move on. Find someone that thinks you are worth his time. And don't let him tell you that he works too much to see you. That's BS. I have three jobs, my boyfriend has two and goes to school. We see each other every night.

Sounds like you two are incompatible because as Chihuahuamomma said his priorities are not with you and you want somebody that is there for you on an emotional and psychical level. Tell him that if he can't find time through the week and weekend for you you see no reason to continue in the relationship. Talking until you are blue in the face is NOT the answer. You should realize that is not an option by now because that can actually drive a guy into avoiding you.

Perhaps you guys are right. I am not the type of person to hold on to something that is not working out. The thing is he tells me he wants to be with me and all that but actions speak louder then words. I cannot do this anymore.

Ok so my boyfriend calls me this morning wanting me to come over by his house so we can "spend time together". When I enter he asks me what's wrong, so of course I told him how upset I am that he cannot put forth enough time for me. Immediately gets defensive and told me if I need to go then come back I should. I told him if I go then I'm not coming back. He then says "fine go, I'm not forcing you to be here." Then I start walking toward the door then he runs over to block it asking me not to leave... shortly after one thing led to another and we ended up in bed. Afterwards I just start crying like a fool. He comes over gives me a hug and apologizes for not making time. He offered to cancel all his appointments for me but I told him not to as I had to go back to work. He walked me to my car and I sped off without a word. When I arrived back in office I see this huge bouquet from him saying he's sorry. Now I don't know what to do again.

See if he makes the necessary changes but keep your guard up somewhat until you see where he is going with this. He very well could love you enough to make changes. Just make sure they are for real lasting changes and not just enough to get you hooked back on him.

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I don't want to be unreasonable here but if you can't spend any time with me whatsoever then please tell me so. I have too many other issues dealing with then to hold on to a neglectful boyfriend.

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Its not unreasonable at all, his actions are.

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This is unacceptable, and his avoiding me after I get stood up is just making matters worse for him... please somebody help me decide what to do because I just about ready to give up.

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KICK HIM TO THE CURB, and move ahead with your life and stop wasting your time on a flake who is in a hurry to go NOWHERE.

You said it yourself. Actions speak louder than words. See what his actions tell you. If he keeps up the attention, that's one thing, but if he starts to put you at anything besides number 1 on his list of priorities, that is SO telling. Good luck.

I'll take the laid back approach for now, if he wants me he will find me. Already today he called me several times and wants to have dinner so I wonder how long it will last.