Hello, I have never had to seek out advice on a message board but I don’t know what else to do. My girlfriend of 3 years just moved out 2 weeks ago to go “work on her issues” and “find herself.” We moved rather fast into the relationship and moved in together after just a few months of dating. We even bought a house together and were talking about marriage and starting a family. When I met this girl I knew she was the one for me. We have been inseparable for the last 3 years and even worked together in the same shop for a year and a half. About 6 months ago she lost her job and has been staying at home collecting unemployment. At first I was upset but then took the job loss as a blessing in disguise because we really were together 24/7 and it was starting to become unhealthy. I told her that she should stay home, collect unemployment and take her time to reflect and that when she was ready, she could go out and look for a job. I said this with the intention that she would eventually come around on her own. After about 4 months I started pushing the issue of her going out to look for work because every day I came home she was still in her PJ’s surfing the internet. For the last 6 years I have been an alcoholic but for the last 2 years I have limited it to only drinking on the weekends. I have been going to meetings and made it 29 days without a drink. I have been trying to work on my issues but don’t feel she’s doing the same. When I drink, I say things to her like she’s lazy and needs to get off her a$$ and look for work. It’s not fair to me to come home from work and see her doing nothing. I work full time and go to school 3/4 time and have made the dean’s list every semester for the past year. I am very responsible and don’t have time to baby her into doing what she needs to do.

To make a long story short, she felt like she was dragging me down because she was depressed she couldn’t find work. I told her that I would stay with her through thick and thin no matter what, and I still mean it. I offered to help her find a job because my mom is a job developer and she finds people jobs for a living. She chose not to accept my help. She packed up all of her stuff and went to live with her parents for a while to try and find a job and work on herself. She tells me she still loves me and is hopeful we will work things out and also says she’s not “leaving me”. I know the signs of cheating and there are no red flags with her. She really needs time to find herself because the area we are in was depressing her. I have not spoken to her for a few days now because I want her to have her space and be away for a while.

I have been reading these message boards for a few days now and a lot of people say she is trying to let me down easy. Half of my friends and family tell me that she isn’t coming back and I should move on and the other half just tells me to wait it out and give her time and that she will realize what she had and come back. I am trying to move on and even bought a new puppy to help me cope. So far its working because I haven’t had that urge to text and call her all day. I'm not ready to go out and date because I still feel there is a chance. I love this girl with all my heart and am willing to do anything for her and if that means letting her go then so be it. I know that most if not all relationships have to go through a break period to see if there is still fire and that’s what this is now. Any insight anybody has would be great. 3 years is a significant amount of time to be in a relationship and I really do want to make it work. I may just have to wait and see if she does too. She says she does but I don’t think she knows what she wants anymore.

If she is depressed she should see her doctor. Being out of work for months on end and not actively trying to get a new job is not a good sign. She may say she wants for the two of you to work out but she s moved out. There seems to have been little real communication in your relationship and that s a red flag,as is your problem with alcohol,drinking on weekends if you drink a lot and don't take weekends completely off the drink is not healthy. I think you both need time away from each other to sort yourselves out separately . And I hope you realize a puppy is a commitment for years not just a cuddly toy for your comfort.

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I have been going to meetings and made it 29 days without a drink.

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Make it a year and see how you feel.

You told her to stay home until she was ready, she did.

You got drunk and berated her, she left.

Deal with your own issues, and let her deal with hers, and see where your both at in a year.

Take good care of the puppy, and yourself.

Thank you Taliniman. I am thinking that after a year I will have definitely moved on. She is definitely worth waiting forever for and I was thinking a couple of months. I guess as time goes on I will truly realize what I want whether that be her or not.

I echo what Taliniman said.

I might add that you let her know that you're sorry for all your short comings, i.e. drunk belittlement, that you care about her and understand her decision to leave. Maybe let her know that if she changes her mind, has a change in heart, you'll have to see where you're at in your life at that time and may be willing to talk about it. Make no promises and don't give the indication that you'll wait around for her.

I suggest you don't try to remain her friend either. This is for yourself and your sanity. Also, if she is going to miss you it's because you're out of her life completely. Hanging around humping on her leg like a stray dog isn't going to get you any positive reaction.

Stay off the bottle buddy. Good luck.

<<<<<<<< UPDATE >>>>>>>>

I found out she has been seeing someone and the dude is married!! Not the way I wanted to find out but Im glad I did. I don't know how long that had been going on and I don't know how many there were, but at this point things are done! I went to ATL to get my car back that I gave her and Im going to do an assumption of the home loan from her to me. Yea, what a dumb a$$ I was for getting her a car and a house and a job and it just wasn't good enough for her. I hope she is happy living with her parents and has a fun time looking for a job and starting over with nothing. Her parents will probably buy her a car and move her into a place because her family has always done things for her. Maybe she could move in with the married guy because I'm sure he's getting a divorce right now after what I told his wife. Im a jerk, I know, but I don't care. I think its funny. Thanks for all the advice you all gave me. I don't think it would have helped with this situation. The relationship was over a long time ago I just didn't see it.

Wow... you must be proud of yourself after all that. Seriously, why? Why do it? Cause you're hurt and angered? What do you think your actions say to her?

Because she lied to me. She drug me along and made me think there was a chance when she was seeing someone else. That guys wife doesn't deserve that. You guys can say what you want, I don't feel bad for what I did. (I have issues , I know) I don't like being screwed over, especially since I gave this woman my heart and she ran it over. You all don't know me or the whole story. I do appreciate you listening though, and to the guy that told me a puppy is forever, I know this and we both had wanted to get one for a long time. I actually was planning on surprising her with a puppy and have a ring attached to his neck but shortly after I was planning all this, someone did it in a movie... I was crushed and wanted to make it special, something different. I figured if there was still hope with this girl at leaset she could share the love of the dog with me if she came back and I would have some companionship in the meantime. Im not one to jump into another relationship but I am lonely:(. Please don't get me wrong, I love my dog and am dedicated to him.

Another case of cheating... move on like a man!

The dog deserves your loyalty, the girl doesn't.

Ok, guys I need some insight. This is a tricky one. Ive only talked to her once in the past 3 weeks and that's because it was concerning the house we own together. I have not texted emailed or anything else, trying to stick to this and so far so good.

Aside from no contact, I do check her blog from time to time to see what she's up to. She originally started it to vent her frustrations. Well I checked it last night and she had a new post on there from Sunday at 1:25 AM. The post was basically a cartoonish picture of a lit up christmas tree in a winter setting with a lake and snow. On the top of the picture was a caption:

"Next year,
I want to get my tree
With you..."

Underneath the picture she wrote this:

"pretty much sums up how I feel right now"

And that was it. Was not directed toward anyone in patucular. I know it is a hidden message for someone. Is she hinting at me or is it someone else. I need opinions cause that just confuses the heck out of me. Ugghhh! Women!! Can't live with em' can't live without em'

You should have stayed off her blog, and avoided the drama, and confusion.

Not only do you need a real estate lawyer, an psychic would help too.

So you say it could go the either way? But why would she put that on there for someone else but me? If she wanted to throw it in my face she could have done it somewhere else and been clear. I believe things happen for a reason and the house is what is keeping us tied together. Deep down I truly believe she wants to make it work she just (and this case is different, believe it or not) needs time to grow up and be responsible on her own so she can fulfill the needs in my life. Its like everyomne says. Work on yourself first and I truly believe she is doing that. I feel the same way...

Guy your holding on to a dream as what relationship can survive without the partners working together? NONE! She left, and her reasons are irrelevant, as her actions speak volumes.

So how long do you wait for her to get it??

How much time does it take to "grow up", and "come home"?

I know you all probably think Im a fool and maybe that's true. One day I might realize all this but for now I'm trying to cope with being alone.

This is her way of working it out. It was the only way as she has no friends here and needs time to grow as a person. We both do. Somewhere during the relationship we became strangers to ourselves clinging on to one another. She was the clingyone at first and it scared me. Eventually I became clingy as well and it was perfect (or so it seemed) Will she come back? Like you said that's a question for a psychic. I know what I feel in my heart and I will continue no contact until after the holidays. By then I will know for sure how she feels

So from an experts point of view, do you think the message was directed toward me or someone else??

I think you need to realise that no one can tell you that.
Only she knows.

You're ignorance on the positive advices is not helping you, your ignorance on checking your ex's stuff is not helping you either.

You guys are right. I am starting to realize things now

That sounds like a big step forward. I hope you are coping OK.

I bought a guitar and am writing again... all of my feelings, where I was, where I am and where I am going. I hope to channel through song at this point. So far it really has helped

That's a great idea and I wish you the best of luck with your project.

Today was the first day that I woke up and she wasn't the absolute first thing on my mind. Its probably cause I was sore from playing WallyBall for 2 hours last night but I'm making progress!!

That's progress, more WallyBall!!

You've turned the page.
Congratulations!

Good start! Step by Step.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas! I actually went home to California and Vegas to see my family. It was rough and all, this being the first christmas without her in 3 years but I was nice to see family, I have none on this side of the US.

Today marks 21 days NC. Tomorrows a new year! Lets make it count!

You're doing great and doing the right thing. Keep up the good work!

Well done-keep up the good work and here's to a Happy New Year!

Update... Or rather a setback :mad::(

I was doing well with the no contact thing but I recently had a slip up and it was kind of embarrassing. I started thinking to myself that I wanted to start talking to my old friends (the ones that I neglected because I was in a relationship and "didnt have time" to call them). Well I lost my phone a few months ago so I lost all of my phone numbers. I was trying to call a couple of buddies in Texas by looking at my old phone bills. I found one and we talked for a while and I gave him my new number. I was trying to find my best friends number and called about 5 different numbers until I came across one that looked like a Texas area code. I called it and guess who answered?? I was like "Uh.....Uh....I feel like a dumba$$ Im sorry I didnt mean to call you I was trying not to for a few months". It was her parents house and yep, she answered.:rolleyes:


We talked for about 2 1/2 hours. Not about the relationship but rather what we had each been up to. It was nice to catch up but when we hung up I knew I had to start over ONCE AGAIN!! She did tell me that who knows what the future may bring about and somewhere down the line we could make it work but she said we need to concentrate on being friends for the time being. I agreed. She emails me the next day saying:

"i know i probably shouldn't be emailing you, but i thought you'd be able to appreciate this...

yesterday, i ran an entire mile. without stopping one time!" Blah blah blah

I don't want to lose her as a friend and at first I was holding on to the false hope but now I have just about moved on it just sucks that this really set me back and the fact that it was unintentional. Why do I still have these feelings for her??

Go back to NC and see it as a bump in the road.
What's setting you back is that you had a long conversation with her,rather than explaining your mistake,politely,then ending the call.

It will pass,give it a day or so.

It was a mistake on my part not ending the call. It was just nice to hear her voice. I truly believe we can be friends in the future. The love has faded for the most part but there's still something there, at least with me. I wish it wasn't that way and I could feel no remorse but I do.

This happened 10 days ago and Im just sad again today. Thanks for listening

Then get superbusy so you can minimize thinking about being sad.
Physical activity,friends etc-take your mind off her.

Maybe you can be friends at some point,but not now.

Right now its about you finally getting over her.

Well hello everyone! (if you are still following this thread) I just wanted to say thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement. It has been a month now since I have had any contact with the ex and I must say it feels exhilarating! I found out from a mutual friend that she was asking about me on Facebook the other day and how I was doing and yadi yadi ya… He told her I was doing AMAZING (which I am)… 2 months ago I would have broke down and been devastated and tried to contact her but at this particular time, it doesn’t even phase me. I actually felt a sense of relief. Why does she care about me? She’s obviously wondering what I'm up to and you know what, she will NEVER know thanks to NC! I honestly don’t care what or who she is doing. I hope she’s OK but I don’t have that urge to know what’s going on in HER life. I have been keeping busy with working on school and I even got my computer certification yesterday. YAY!!

As I look back (and its funny because so many people don’t see it at first because of all the emotions) but some things just aren’t meant to be. I’ve learned so much from this relationship and now I know what to do, and what not to do with future relationships. I have started dating again and have met quite a few girls. None of them keepers yet but I can see that there are Soooooo many out there.

Time heals and I am living proof of that. In the beginning I did not see this but for those of you that are going through similar situations, keep your head up and just know that things do get better.

Peace!

I'm so glad to hear that you've come through all this with flying colors. There's plenty of good women out there to date... and one of them may end up being "Ms. Perfect". Good luck!

Congrats!
Good old NC works wonders!
All the best for the present,and the future!

Newguy - your post today was very inspiring. Thank you for it.

I am going through a similar situation (have my own thread), and I love to see other guys who have healed and realize now that it was for the better, even though it feels like death in the beginning. I am starting to see my breakup was maybe for the better, but still in the limbo period. Hoping time and NC will continue to heal all.

Good luck out there and congrats on your improvement!

Trust me Robin, time does heal. I have read your thread and can relate to you very much and know, maybe not exactly, but I know what you are going through.

Im glad I could inspire someone! Its like in the beginning you don't want to take things at face value becase you don't WANT to believe its true, but one day you wake up and, snap! You realize that sometimes things are for the better. Im there now...

Glad to see you have made it there! Btw I am curious how old you are if you don't mind.

I am somewhere in between the denial stage and where you are. The NC has definitely been helping. This week was a slight setback because my ex has been trying to contact me numerous times after I completely ignored her birthday. She realizes she will no longer have her cake and eat it too. That feels good.

I know it is just B.S. and I have not given in and kept no contact (though I have been thinking about her more).

But I got back to the healing process, I will keep my head up and know in my mind that even if it doesn't feel like it right now in my heart, things will get better with time. You are living proof - haha!

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Originally Posted by RobinBoston

Glad to see you have made it there!! Btw I am curious how old you are if you don't mind.

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I will be turning 27 in April and she turns 25 next month. Her Birthday is in just 2 weeks and at first I was going to send her a text or email wishing her a great day but I will refrain. Why should I? She left ME! She's the one that told ME that it was over.

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Originally Posted by RobinBoston

This week was a slight setback because my ex has been trying to contact me numerous times after I completely ignored her bday. She realizes she will no longer have her cake and eat it too. That feels good.

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Change your number or have her blocked. Trust me you will be better off. Somebody that does something like this to you doesn't deserve to have you in their life. You were willing to work things out and she ran for the hills when things got rough. Same situation with me. I wanted to make things work but I couldn't change her and she didn't want to change.

You are going to have your setbacks. I had one a month ago and felt so horrible like it was even worse than when she actually told me she was leaving. You are on the roler coaster my friend. Its natural to feel the way you do. One day you are on top and the next day you are going downhill at an incredible amount of speed with no brakes! Eventually the ride comes to an end and guess what, you get off and go ride another one, a bigger and better one!

I had a dream last night (or rather a nightmare) that she came back and we were going to work things out. A very vivid dream. She appeared to have changed and really wanted to work things out. I told her that I was unsure but that since she drove 5 hours she could at least stay a while. She was not her usual lazy self. She was cooking and cleaning and really wanted to make things up to me. I couldn't believe it. Just before we sat down to dinner, she started yelling at me saying that she was doing all the cooking and cleaning and that I was doing nothing. We argued and argued until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I woke up in tears.

Sorry for being weak but that kind of set me back a little bit and I wanted to vent while it was still fresh in my mind. I know I probably should have just tried to forget about it and put it in the back of my mind but It still hurts. I will not let this ruin my day!

I guess this happened because I almost called her last night. I dialed the number on my cell and just looked at it for a few minutes. Decided it wasn't worth the time and energy and I chose the red button over the green one. Whew! Just when you think you are over someone, this happens. Anyone else gone through the same thing? I had dreams about her after we first broke up but nothing this emotional. I sound like a wuss I know but I can't control my dreams.

I guess maybe the dream was trying to tell me something because it ended in a fight and that just reasures me that it will never work. Like another sign maybe?