My ex and I have been together for 5 years already. During that period, we had a lot of big fights.

4 things that I considered really big:
1. She saw my cellular phone and saw a message from one of my friends from school. It was harmless. But she overreacted.
2.she caught me cheating online, talking to other girls. This was bad and terrible for my part. That was 2 years ago. We decided to work on it again.
3.I caught her having a pot session in the flat of 2 random guys that she just met with her friend.
4.we almost broke up because she wanted to go to an event of a guy that she met in the office. She keeps on insisting that he's just a friend, but she went ballistic when we couldn't go to his event.

I left my country after graduation to work for 2 years in singapore. She's been working at this company for almost a year now and I've been really supportive of what she does. I would always fetch her and bring her home from work and on weekends we would always be together. There are a lot of things that I did that I am really ashamed of and I keep blaming myself for the whole mess.

before I left, we talked about marriage already, saying that we weren't ready yet because we're not yet stable in life. But if we're talking about the person involved, we are the right one for each other, so all we needed was time. When I left, I gave her all the means to communicate with me knowing that I am a very big part of her life and that she is very dependent on me. She never used any of the things that I gave her and she insisted that we just keep the communication to emails.

I never saw it coming, I'm stupid I know there were a lot of signs already, but because she would say I love you to me and continue to do what we did before. Until the day she broke up with me.

for the longest time, I tried to get an answer from her as to why we broke up. She told me its because of the trust issues and the distance. At some point she even told me that if I went back then we could work things out. A few days later she told me it was bound to happen even if I stayed. Then each time I would try to ask why we broke up, she would get really pissed. She made my life a living hell for a month so I decided to come home to settle things once and for all.

when I got back, it seemed like we were together again. We were like a couple again. She told me she still loves me and that the reason why we broke up was because she couldn't bare the distance. I could see that she went through depression and that it really affected her health. She even asked me if we should try the relationship once again. I knew it would be really hard on her, so I told her that maybe we should deal with her problems first and then try to the relationship once again. I would never want to see her suffer like that again so I had to muster up the courage to say no. which I did. It felt good and at the same time depressing, but I knew it was the right thing to do. When I brought her home, a friend told me all about what she was doing behind my back. She had another guy already a month before we broke up. Aside from that she went out with several other people. One of them the guy that she met from the office that we fought about. One of them was my friend and the others I didn't really know. All along she kept insisting that it wasn't about the other guy and she told the other guys to back off already.

I was so heartbroken, and at the same time really mad. I didn't have the appropriate time to think of what to do. I quickly went to her and lashed out. I said a lot of horrible things that I now regret. After that, I apologized and we sat down to talk about what happened. It ended up well. I told her I was willing to help her still with all the issues that surround her. (she has a lot and I really don't want to see her in this position especially since I know she relies on me so much). But then a day after, she became cold again and this time she told me she doesn't love me anymore. She was really guilty of what she did and I could tell.

now I'm back here in singapore and I am really devastated with the situation. I feel like its my fault that I pushed her to do this. Also I can't seem to understand why I still want her back after my studies here. Its like I want a plan, I want a plan that would make her want me back. Last week however, she started dating one of the guys again, exclusively. When I found out, I told her we couldn't talk anymore and that its going to be hard to be friends. I told her that I forgave her for whatever she did. The next day she sent me a message asking for help about some of her problems, not concerning the relationship. I didn't talk to her, for a while, and then I just gave in. I couldn't help it.

now I am all eyes on NC, and I know that I made huge mistakes before. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't know if I should want her back, is there a chance that this will happen? Please help me out.

By the way, there were a lot of things I could have denied, but I didn't I confessed everything so that we can work things out. And she accepted and I worked triple time to make it work. I know I'm a douche for doing such things and I hate myself for that. And for me, I know that I have changed so much after that. All the plans that I have in my life involve her. Now everything is just crumbling

Your plan should be to go NC and stay that way. That includes not listening to secondhand information from mutual friends and other gossip.
You re broken up and you need to heal from this.
Her issues are hers now,not your problem anymore.
You recover by staying busy.seeing friends and filling your life with activities that make you feel good.

That's what I'm trying to do, but my work consists of research and it's really hard to start understanding stuff when everything in my mind is like a huge ball of wire.

I know this is a stupid question, but there's no hope for us in the future right?

You re better off thinking about your future now. Its hurtful but you should let this go. It gets better with time.

Yeah I just want to get out of the phase of making it a competition. She was the one who screwed up in the end and now she's happy?

Yeah life's not fair, and I want to make it fair, and I know I can't so its like a situation where id rather just curl up and just hope when I wake up it's gone.

The picture I saw of her together with her new guy is now burned on my mind.

She broke up with you not to be with another guy, nor because of the distance. She broke up with you because your relationship with her wasn't working out.

After 5 years, you had so many chances to make this relationship work out. All the reasons you've listed is basically an accumulation of reasons. Her feelings for you have changed due to the accumulation of reasons.

When you go into NC, realize that you are doing this to recover from the break up. We have no idea if she will ever come back to you. But if the problems that broke you up in the first place aren't fixed, the relationship will blow up again. But for you to fix the problems, BOTH of you need to be on board to fix it. However, it sounds like she's moved on with her life and gave up trying to repair the relationship, so learn to respect her wishes. You need to focus on recovering from the break up and not trying to win her back.

So basically it was because of my faults that led her to break up with me?

Yes I guess I didn't want to accept it but looking back, it was because of these two things that led to our break up. I guess if anyone is to blame about the whole relationship falling apart, its me. I shouldn't be getting pissed at her because she only bailed because she got tired of trying to make things work. I think I lost the love of my life because I was immature and stupid back then. I realized too late.

I really wish she believed me when I said I changed because I did... I can't do anything anymore. I thought I was getting better, but I guess this brings me to a different path of moving on. Because all along I thought that if she did that to me, then she doesn't deserve me. It's the other way around I guess. Because I was a douche, I didn't deserve her.

Damn. I hate this.

I want to call her now just to apologize and say that she doesn't have to be guilty about anything tat it was entirely my fault as to why we ended up this way. I hate what I did back then. I don't know how I can live with myself knowing that I had something lovely and then because of my mistakes it ended up this way.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vicorsus

4 things that I considered really big:
1. She saw my cellular phone and saw a message from one of my friends from school. it was harmless. but she overreacted.
2.she caught me cheating online, talking to other girls. this was bad and terrible for my part. that was 2 years ago. we decided to work on it again.
3.i caught her having a pot session in the flat of 2 random guys that she just met with her friend.
4.we almost broke up because she wanted to go to an event of a guy that she met in the office. she keeps on insisting that he's just a friend, but she went ballistic when we couldn't go to his event.

now i am all eyes on NC, and i know that i made huge mistakes before. i dont know what to think, i dont know what to do. i just wanna be better. i dont know if i should want her back, is there a chance that this will happen? please help me out.

---

This is all I read from your post

Your first point is all anyone needs to read. She had already checked-out of the relationship at that point. She was trying to use anything she could find as ammunition to in an attempt to get you angry enough to break-up with her so she didn't have to be the one to pull the trigger. I've seen women overreact like who are just plain jealous, but those same women never broke up with their boyfriends, it was always the other way around. So, we can rule-out jealousy.

And no, you shouldn't want her back because she didn't really want to be with you in the first place. You'd be wasting your time, stay NC.

But when that happened it was years and years ago. And we had our best times after that. I'm sorry if I'm being stubborn I hope you don't get tired of my whining.

I see the whole mess as something that I put upon myself. I know she's very jealous of my friends. She was never comfortable with me having girls for friends. These friends were my friends even before we met. But she was never comfortable with any of them even with some of her close friends. So I should've done better to please her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vicorsus

so basically it was because of my faults that led her to break up with me?

---

In any relationship, both people involved might have deep feelings for one another, which you both clearly had, otherwise you wouldn't have lasted 5 years. However, feelings aren't always enough. Your personalities need to match as well, in addition to hard work. Both of you definitely put in hard work for 5 years. But at some point, she realized that neither hard work, nor feelings is enough. It's not your fault. It's not what you did. It's that your personalities just don't match up.

The incidents that you listed are definitely factors, but they can be overcome with effort on both sides. Overcoming obstacles are ways to build a relationship. So don't see it as mistakes. No one is perfect, everybody makes mistakes. The point is, she gave up trying to repair the relationship, because it wasn't going to work out in the long run.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vicorsus

i wanna call her now just to apologize and say that she doesn't have to be guilty about anything tat it was entirely my fault as to why we ended up this way. i hate what i did back then. i dont know how i can live with myself knowing that i had something lovely and then because of my mistakes it ended up this way.

---

This is exactly why you need to stay in NC mode. Focus on yourself. Stop worrying about her. Let her deal with the break up her own way and you deal with it your way.

Once you've recovered (when you've let go of the relationship and stopped over-analyzing the past) from the break up, you can consider talking to her again. But until then, it's clear that she wants to be left alone, so respect her wishes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

Both of you definitely put in hard work for 5 years. But at some point, she realized that neither hard work, nor feelings is enough.
But until then, it's clear that she wants to be left alone, so respect her wishes.

---

Actually, I've been talking to her even before that she needs to work on the relationship also, because most of the time, she would just sit back and let me do all the work. I can say this for sure because most of our fights would be because she was very passive with the relationship. When we fought before, even if she was at fault, she wouldn't apologize because she'd say that I was still mad that's why she didn't want to apologize just yet things like this that kept on repeating time and time again. But I dealt with it and I never gave up on the fact that she may change.

Also, if it wasn't for the fact that I told her we can't communicate she'd always be sending me messages asking how I am doing. Sometimes she'd let her friends do it. Before I found out that they were already together (her new guy and her) she would always send me messages, even after the day I found out. I just couldn't control my emotions anymore that's why I told her that it's impossible right now for us to be friends. And I deleted her from everything I know (yahoo messenger, mail, facebook)

I miss her.

Passive or not, it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter what she did or did not do either. What matters is NOW.

Right now, the focus should be on yourself. Focus on recovering and not over-analyzing the past. Dwelling on the past will only add to the confusion; thus, prolonging the pain and suffering.

Try reading these stickies:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-187766.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

Here's a list of things to do after your break up so that you can divert your focus: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

I just want to fast forward the days when I get back home after this to see if we can work it out. I don't care if I have to step up to make it work.

I can't sleep now thinking of what I did... I know I should let go I should let go. But its just too much its like I was the one who pulled the trigger.

I just want her to make me feel important again. I just want to be in that same place we were before.

I feel the urge to talk to her now, damn. I know ill hate myself after if I do, but this is just eating me up inside. I know I need to fight it. But its getting the best of me

I'm feeling the itch to call her, she was a last night calling me and shouting at me. And the next morning she kept on saying sorry.

I was really pissed because she can't yank me around like that so I just gave her a piece of my mind and I got through. I just hate the way she makes it seem like her and the other guy were meant to happen. Of course it would happen, because you allowed it to happen. Its not like he found her and she found him. It was more of he found her and she told him she didn't have a boyfriend. What the hell is that what you mean by fate?by destiny?

So now she's saying sorry and she's telling me that she hopes I reply and that I can forgive her and that we can be friends soon.

It's your choice what you want to do.

If you keep talking to her, you will get "false hope, more confusion and more pain + suffering".

If you avoid talking to her, which includes avoid picking up her calls, you can focus on yourself and heal.

Your choice.

I know that's why I'm trying to avoid her as much as I can. But she keeps on sending me messages. Apologizing and trying to say excuses for what she did. And it irks me even more because I know for a fact that what she's saying are lies. She's apologizing with lies. For 3 straight days already.

She is trying to make herself feel better, when you ackonowledge and tell you accept her apology you would have given her what she wants. You must not do that.
I remember when my ex broke up with me, she felt that guilt inside and would try and communicate here and there just to ease that guilt... and like a fool I would respond. Don't so the same mistake. I see it clearly now because I can think rationally... do not cave in to that

This thing is so over, so just walk away from it, and cut all ties. It sucks when break ups happen for any reason, but No Contact whatsoever is your solution, even though that will suck too, but at least it will get you beyond all those feelings in time, and you will accept the fact that life has to keep going forward.

She's the one feeling guilty now and she's trying to make herself feel better by apologizing to you.

Change your phone number if you have to. Talking to her would just add to the confusion and prolong the healing process.

Review and stick to the no contact rules in the sticky section.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

This thing is so over, so just walk away from it, and cut all ties. It sucks when break ups happen for any reason, but No Contact whatsoever is your solution, even though that will suck too, but at least it will get you beyond all those feelings in time, and you will accept the fact that life has to keep going forward.

---

Yeah I realized that this so over also. I know that she's just trying to rid herself of the guilt. I forgave her already and she did it again by just being really insensitive the other day. She kept on cursing and shouting at me because I was pretty much messed up by the fact that we broke up and she's mad because I show it. The next day she apologizes to me, again. But it was all lies, some of her friends even had the nerve to get pissed at me even though they know their friend cheated on me.

Past couple of days, she's been sending me messages and email. I really got ticked off with one of her emails saying that she's praying for me so I will learn how to forgive. She has the nerve to tell me that after what she did. She should be praying for herself.

But I still maintained nc I just sucked it all in.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ithappenstoall

She is trying to make herself feel better, when you ackonowledge and tell you accept her apology you would have given her what she wants. You must not do that.
I remember when my ex broke up with me, she felt that guilt inside and would try and communicate here and there just to ease that guilt.....and like a fool I would respond. Don't so the same mistake. I see it clearly now because I can think rationally.... do not cave in to that

---

That's all it is huh? Yeah I kind of figured it out, because if she really wants to talk to me, it wouldn't be just like once in a week. She would make effort but it only happens each time she feels guilty.

Her behaviour smacks of ''Attack is the best form of defence'' to me.

Move on.

Without her.

Yeah she would either ask for help or just get mad at me. I don't need that so let her deal with her guilt and ill deal with my own problems. Good thing I'm far away from her, but I'm coming back this December and I'm scared less about what will happen. Should I send her a message for the holidays? If not, if she sends me a message will I reply? Things like that and what if I bump into her should I say anything or just pretend she doesn't exist or should I be plain rude like ask her who the f are you?

I would say no to the texts, holiday wishes etc but if you do see her, a simple nod if anything will suffice. I don't think striking up any kind of conversation would benefit you. Personally, if I were in your position I would simply go ''cold turkey'' and not even acknowledge her, but then that's me :)

I'm thinking of the same thing, I just want her to go crazy with her own guilt. After what she did, I can't even meet some of my friends now because one of them she flirted with.

I still keep thinking about her, each day I get the urge to break nc, I don't know how long I could keep this up. More and more I don't hear from her, the pain keeps getting worse. I just want it to stop.

Its probably the fact that I'm going home for the holidays and I don't know what to expect, its nothing good.

I mean I can also have fun here, but when the time comes that I'm all alone, I feel like there's something missing. And that's the time all the memories of her keep rushing back.

It's normal to feel this way,and you're doing well keeping the NC.
A breakup has several phases,be patient with yourself and try to look forward to days when all this will be behind you.
Keep really busy,now and when you go back for the holidays.

Control your urges, see this sticky and the responses for assistance: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

You're doing great. It's very tough in the beginning. It might get tougher and tougher in the early stages. But once you've reached the tip of the iceburg, it will get easier and easier.

You just need a lot of will power. Come on the site if you feel the urge to break the rules and we'll set you straight.

Don't bail on yourself now. You don't want to start from square one again do you?

Yeah I know the consequences of breaking nc. I also know its useless, but despite knowing all these things, I wonder why I still would want to talk to her.

Nobody has said that its okay for me to talk to her, everybody keeps telling me that someday she'll be the one to talk to me, but that's just wishful thinking.

I can't concentrate on my work also because of this mess.

I always just go online trying to talk to people, so that I could get distracted because she was the person I used to talk to a lot. How I wish I could talk to her now

You need to stay strong for yourself,every day's a step closer to real healing,even if you're feeling down today.

One thing about a break up that becomes obvious really fast, is how poorly we treated ourselves, and how isolated we had become. You have a lot of work to do to rebuild your life, so that your happy without her.

Yeah that's what I'm trying to do, do some stuff that I like. I started to play the guitar and do photography, but sometimes, its just gets so tiring and even more depressing at times because even after doing all these things, I'm still not as happy..

I'm sorry for all the whining I hope you guys won't get tired of my incessant complaining of my situation

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vicorsus

im sorry for all the whining i hope you guys won't get tired of my incessant complaining of my situation

---

Many of us have suffered similar pains that you're going through, which is why we can tell you that with time, it will get easier.

Sounds like you're doing well though. You're picking up hobbies to distract yourself. I'm sorry that you can't have instant results. Time is the key though. It's a good idea to come here to vent or chat with friends, so that you don't have to bottle things up. Cope with it however way you want.

We'll be here!

No worries, we get use to it as many (all) people go through the same thing. Its hard doing other things because we are so use to the intense feelings a good partner brings out in us, and yes it feels good, and hard to replace.

So I just have to get used to the fact that it will be like this for a long time right?