I was in a happy, loving relationship for 2 and a half years.
In June, he proposed to me, of course I said yes. I thought we were going to wait for maybe 6 months before planning the wedding, but he said he couldn't wait to marry me. He pushed me to set a date, so we did. I was happy about it because I love him.
Then, on Friday, he broke up with me! He said he needs time on his own and if I give him time, we will talk, but he's pretty sure we're over forever.
It was so sudden, we were happy and in love and planning our wedding. It was booked and we were paying it off, now he's cancelling it all.
I admit I have a slight problem with jealousy but its nothing major, he has a slight anger problem, but again, nothing major. We had a few petty arguments, but never anything major, and we didn't argue constantly, just like a normal couple. My friends envied our relationship because we were so happy.
I can't handle this, my whole life was set out in front of me with the man I love, and now I feel so rejected and don't know why.
How can I get past this? I just want him to see that he has made a horrible mistake!
Please help me, I just feel like dying. Life isn't worth it without him!

I don't think it's any specific that made him break up with you. It sounds like an accumulation of things. If he feels that it's over forever, then that's how he feels. You need to accept his feelings.

As for you, I've very sorry to hear about this. This is definitely and unfortunate situation. But look at it this way, he realized that this marriage wasn't going to work, so he broke it off before the two of you got too deep.

There's no magic potion to recover from this break up immediately. You will need to give yourself some time. Avoid contacting him, as that would only add to the confusion, give you false hope and prolong the pain. Distance yourself from him so that you can recover without any influence.

I just don't understand why it was so sudden. He was the one who pushed to set the date, he was the one who kept asking me to move in with him, he was the one who insisted we book and pay for everything. All this was recent. Friday morning he sent me a text saying he loved me etc.. then, 2 minutes later, he sent another text asking if we shouold break up!!
If it was a lot of different things, why didn't he ever speak to me about it? We always talked about everything.
His friends and family are so stunned about this too.
It's the most devastating thing that I've ever gone through. I don't understand any of it.

Im sorry for your pain.
Sometimes there are questions that may never get an answer.
For some reason or reasons he decided he wanted to call it off.
You should read the stickies at the top of the page there s lots of good advice there.
Take care and look after yourself.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-ex-24203.html

I don't know if this is the same guy, but you have been through this before. Two years of bliss, and then a break up. There is something I may be missing, but I wonder if this whole relationship started because of the personal issues going on in your life.

A sudden change of heart, usually doesn't happen without some big issue at the heart of it. That he won't discuss it, is frustrating to say the least.

This event is to similar to your other one to be a coincidence though, but I can't put my finger on it. More info maybe?

Well spotted talaniman, but this is a different guy altogether.
I started dating this guy just over a year after breaking up with the first guy. When I started dating him, the first guy went crazy and begged to have me back.

This is a different guy, and a totally different heartache. We had our wedding booked. He wanted to bring the date forward etc.. He told my aunt just 3 weeks ago that he can't believe how lucky he is to have met me. It's so so sudden for me.

What more info do you want? I'll give whatever info I can because I want this sorted, I want him to realise his mistake.

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

What more info do you want? I'll give whatever info I can because I want this sorted, I want him to realise his mistake.

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What mistake? His feelings for you have changed. How do you blame him for something that changed naturally? You can't force him to get back with you. It's his choice.

You need to take a few steps back and reflect on yourself first.

His mistake is breaking this relationship up!
Friday morning he is hopelessly in love with me, and by Friday afternoon he wants to break up!
He didn't think anything through. His parents are even furious about it. His friends are shocked. Everyone who knows him has told me that they have never seen him happier than he was with me.
This is a sudden MISTAKE!!
Its so wrong. It shouldn't be this way!

I don't think it was just his mistake, you seem to have been very willing to go along with his plan. That strikes me as odd given your past experience. I would think you would be a lot more cautious, and alert, as people seldom change that rapidly, or hide things that well. Even though you spent a year being single, I sort of doubt that you were, but I am assuming your ex, was still in the picture to some degree. I could be wrong, but it seems like you have had very little peace between relationships, and maybe this one wasn't as good as the picture you painted. The only other thing that comes to mind, is a major event in one of your lives along the way.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

His mistake is breaking this relationship up!!
Friday morning he is hopelessly in love with me, and by Friday afternoon he wants to break up!!
He didnt think anything through. His parents are even furious about it. His friends are shocked. Everyone who knows him has told me that they have never seen him happier than he was with me.
This is a sudden MISTAKE!!!!!!!!
Its so wrong. It shouldnt be this way!!

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There's no right or wrong when it comes to breaking up. It was his CHOICE to break up. You can't force him to do something that he doesn't want. You can't tie him up and force him to marry you.

You need to calm down. I know that this break up has affected you deeply. I understand that you were moving along in the wedding plans. This might seem like a sudden break up for you because he did not provide an explanation. But I'm sure it's not a sudden feeling for him. He must have been thinking about this for a while. It's not easy for someone to call off a wedding either. I'm sure he knows that he broke your heart.

You need to take a lot of steps back. Stop blaming him for everything. If he broke up with you, it means there are things about you that he doesn't like and doesn't think that a marriage would work out. So even if you forced a marriage with him, you would end up getting a divorce, which is worse than calling a wedding off.

I was still friends with my ex, but there was no romantic feelings or anything. We sorted our stuff, and stayed friends. He was seeing other people, I was happy being single.
Then I met R, and we were happy right from the on-set. This relationship wasn't perfect or anything, we had our moments, we rowed. But the bottom line is, we loved each other. We were really happy.

His mum and dad have both just been diagnosed with cancer, his mum is terminal, his dad can be treated. And he's having a hard time at his job and can't seem to get another one even though he has been on a ton of interviews.

Please stop making me feel like this is my fault. I know Im obviously not faultless in the break-down of our relationship. But all in all, I was a pretty good partner and supported him through no matter what happened. This is so sudden, there was no warning signs. He was happy on Friday morning, and breaking up on Friday afternoon!
I just don't understand any of it.

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His mum and dad have both just been diagnosed with cancer, his mum is terminal, his dad can be treated. And he's having a hard time at his job and can't seem to get another one even though he has been on a ton of interviews.

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How can you ignore the turmoil that's going on in his life?? How can you expect him to ignore his pain and act happy. It doesn't work that way. He can hardly be a husband when his manhood is in such jeopardy. No, this was not so sudden, I think. But it is time to back up, and reassess the timing of what's going on.

I think you need to step back and look at the timing. I don't think this was as sudden as it seems. I get the feeling that he was trying to convince himself how much he cares about you by pushing for a quick wedding. In relation to his parents' health, when did he propose? Could the quick wedding have been an attempt to make his mother happy knowing that she was in poor health?

From what I have seen, quick weddings are usually because the bride is pregnant, a valued member of the family is close to death and the wedding is moved up so that person can be a part of it, or one party is trying to make a commitment before he/she changes his/her mind. It sounds like he had doubts that he thought he could overcome by forcing the relationship into an unnatural pace.

From your description of events, I think there was something he was running from internally that caught up with him. I am sorry you have to go through this, but calling off a wedding and dealing with the items already taken care of will be a lot cheaper, monetarily and emotionally, than it would be after the wedding when divorce lawyers are involved.

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Quote by talaniman
How can you ignore the turmoil that's going on in his life?? How can you expect him to ignore his pain and act happy. It doesn't work that way.

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I never ignored it!!
I was always there supporting him through it. He didn't talk about it much but I made sure he knew that if and when he was ready to talk, I'd be there for him.
I never wanted him to ignore his pain!! I asked him if he wanted to put off booking the wedding until he knew the full details of what was going on! He said I was the only positive thing in his life and didn't want to put off the happiest day of his life!!

I NEVER expected him or asked him to ignore it and act happy. I wanted him to talk about it, but made sure he knew I wasn't pushing, and would be there when he's ready to talk.
I never asked him to propose, he sprung that on me, and within weeks he wanted to set the date.
I was just happy to go along because I love him and marrying him seemed so right!

He asked me to get pregnant before we got married for heaven sake - just last week we were talking about having a child!!

You guys are not making me feel better at all. Im in such a dark, horrible place, and you are making me feel worse about everything.
I WAS A GOOD GIRLFRIEND AND FIANCEE - AND THIS IS SUDDEN!!!

I have no doubt you are a good partner, but knowing what's going on with your partner is also important to understanding. This was not sudden, but his lack of honest expression, should have made you wary, and cautious, of not only his actions, but motives. Being in love will make you miss things, and the talk of babies, and marriage, is some heady stuff.

The point being because your hurt now with the way things worked out, doesn't mean not understanding your partners actions, and where things go from here.

Good luck getting him to talk, but the biggest red flag, was the communications break down. That's the real issue, because if there was better, more honest talking, this whole thing could have been handled differently.

I've been through this myself, with being ready to marry, but illness, and death put the plans on hold, almost forever, so I am sensitive to your situation. I don't think any decision he has made was a rational one, nor do I see him able to for a while.

I think you back away, and let the emotional dust settle, before playing the blame game, Or even assuming who is at fault. Life often throws us in situations that need a calm head to figure out. This is where I see you now, getting your emotions under control. And letting him do the same.

Evryone with different things to say,but what I will say to you firstly is I'm sorry.so straight to the issue at hand,the whole thing has happened and now you are faced with this unexplainable situation.I want to ask you a question, do you believe in destiny?because I do,when it comes to choosing a life partner it isn't anything like dating,you have to learn to ask serious questions,don't say to yourself "i dnt want to hurt him by asking him sensitive things" you need to,u need to know things that even his parents don't,u need to ask yourself,"what positive or negative attribute do i percieve in him,like you said he has an anger problem,i will praise you for that,u have at least learnt something about him.i know that at this point in time you do not want to listen to all this all you need is that solution,all you need is to see him at your door step to say i am sorry,it is obviously not impossible,but lets face it,the chances for now are slim,cuz,why would a man put an end to what he hastened by himself,there is more to what you and i know about this man.but have you viewed it from this angle,"what if there is someone else in the picture.hmm

No one needs to make you feel bad,all you are asking for are comforters,and if people are not helping all you need do is look away,u don't need more pain at this point,I'm not trying to be religious at this point,but have you prayed about this issue,because believe me it works,and if you need me to do it with you I will.

I have prayed, and anyone else who wants to pray for him to come back to me, be my guest. The more the better.

I don't think there is someone else in the picture though. I have always trusted him not to cheat on me and the subject of there being someone else never even entered my head.
Its not impossible, I just don't think there is.

Folahun, thank you for your kindness.

Though this is only my assumption he may be depressed.
Both his parents are ill, one terminally so plus he s not happy at work. Add a wedding and the thought of starting a family and you have a great number of stress factors.
I realise you re at rock bottom but as he s not communicating with you at the moment take as much care of yourself as you can.
I hope you have family and friends around to talk to.
Take care.

I had a girlfriend push for similar things and then suddenly end it right as we were moving forward. It's totally bewildering and painful. You probably won't find many of these answers helpful (even though they make some valid points) because right now you want to know what the hell happened, what you did wrong, what he's thinking, et cetera. All I can say is this--you're going to keep having those questions and thoughts and it's going to hurt for a while. And you may never get an answer or any resolution. It's lousy, and that's that. All you can do is start taking care of yourself. Tell yourself it's over, even if you don't believe it, and start doing things for yourself. He may or may not try to come back to you at some point (and there's lots of advice on this site for that). The only thing you can say for certainty about him at the moment is that he's made a choice to end it, for whatever reason, and you have no control of that. All else is speculation. Don't blame yourself, and take heart that you were, as you say, a good girlfriend. Later, after you have taken some time for yourself and emotional dust has settled, you can start to examine if there is something about yourself that you want to work on for a future relationship, but don't try that now. You're over your head in your emotions, and your judgment will be way off. First step for you is damage control, which means taking care of yourself in whatever way you can, and the less time spent thinking on him, over whom you have absolutely no control, the better. Accept that you're going to be all over the place emotionally for a bit and do your best to ride it out. Stop worrying about what he's up to and start worrying about what you're up to. When all settles down, you'll thank yourself that you did.

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

You guys are not making me feel better at all. Im in such a dark, horrible place, and you are making me feel worse about everything.
I WAS A GOOD GIRLFRIEND AND FIANCEE - AND THIS IS SUDDEN!!!

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You are not going to like what I am about to write, but please read it and think about it before you get even more upset.

I am sorry to inform you but we don't hold pity parties. We offer advice and support neither of which are easy to give or receive.

You ignored what to many people would be warning signs. He was rushing the relationship and you knew it. He wasn't communicating. You were the bright spot in his life giving him all the support you could. He gave you a platitude, "He said I was the only positive thing in his life and didnt wanna put off the happiest day of his life". Any time someone pushes for a quick marriage or talks about getting pregnant BEFORE a PLANNED wedding there are huge red flags flying on the hurricane winds.

He was running away from the pain of his parents' illness. He tried to bury his fears of death in planning a life and a marriage. That doesn't work. Sooner or later the person wakes up and realizes that there is no escape from reality or quick fixes for the emotional turmoil and trauma. He has to face his fears.

You have to let him go. You can't make him come back. You can't make him want to be with you.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, it seems sudden to you as you perceive it at this moment. If you read what you have written as though someone else wrote it, I think you will begin to see that there were warning signs.

It isn't going to be easy. It will be painful. No one will tell you that the hurt and pain go away in an instant. As you already know, it takes time and very hard work to heal. I am not telling you anything differently than I would my son, daughter or friends. I don't believe in wallowing in self-pity because that energy can be put to better use.

Onething I wouldn't want you to do is believe this is the end of your world,because angel it isn't,from the look of things it is obvious,with no doubt whatsoever,that this man is in love with you,but you need to know that if this is the end of the road with him then it is,their is nothing anyone can say or do to change it,if it is destined to happen then accept it with a heart that won't stop beating for this man until it finds out what really went wrong,that doesn't mean you shouldn't go on with your life,but don't forget to find out what happened,and I'm not saying you should carry any part of this into your future relationships,for it will make matters worse.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I guess all I can do is get on with it and hope and pray that he see's that breaking up wasn't the answer to his problems.

We aren't in contact or anything - its guna be difficult. But I can do it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I guess all I can do is get on with it and hope and pray that he see's that breaking up wasnt the answer to his problems.

We arent in contact or anything - its guna be difficult. But I can do it.

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Break ups like this are probably the worst type. As humans, we want something or one to blame when things go wrong. When there isn't something we can point to and say there is the problem, it seems to make the pain harder to bear. However, that pain will go away if you let it.

The stickies at the top of the forum might help. This thread will also still be here for you if you want honest advice and support.

Just remember to keep your mind and body busy and allow yourself to even want to heal.

Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

I have prayed, and anyone else who wants to pray for him to come back to me, be my guest. The more the better.

I dont think there is someone else in the picture though. I have always trusted him not to cheat on me and the subject of there being someone else never even entered my head.
Its not impossible, I just dont think there is.

Folahun, thank u for ur kindness.

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I'm sorry for your pain.

It doesn't matter that his friends and family thought you two were perfect together. The decision was his to make, and HE made it. No one else. You got over the first guy, you'll get over him.

You asked for prayers for him to change his mind. That's something you should do, this is not a "life or death" situation.

Be glad you didn't get married, and then he pulled this. Yes, he is quite selfish to propose, plan, and then change his mind. He should have been SURE that he wanted to marry you first. Shame on him for that. I agree with Tal. this is no mistake on his part, it's what he wanted.

I wish you the best, and will pray for you to have the strength to carry on with your life. One day, you will look back on this, and be glad it worked out this way.

I recently posted here about my situation:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-405475.html

He was the one who asked for time, and asked me not to contact him - and I haven't.
But today, he sent me this message:

"This probably sounds like a stupid thing to say but I really hope ur ok. I know that ur not but I do want u to know that I am thinkin of u x"

I haven't replied, he sent it about an hour and a half ago. I sort of feel empowered now that he text me and I'm not replying - but I really want him back.
How do I deal with this?

Oh, and by the way, its been 6 days since the break up, 3 days since NC.

I read your other thread.

You were engaged to be married,he ended the relationship.

Unless I missed something in your other posts, he said he needed time and space.

It has not been a week yet.

Unless he is saying,I'm sorry,I love you, lets try and make things work, he is offering you nothing.

He's lonely. Who else is he going to call,he knows you, you familiar...

Keep doing N.C, at least for now, unless he comes back with the above things still have not changed.

Give him time.. thats what he wants, who's to say if you contact him,he won't have changed his mind again before midnight..

This is not game playing,its protecting yourself from more hurt.

Wait.

Let him come to you.

Give him the time he wanted.

Stick to the NC is my advice-he probably feels guilty as some people do having done what he did hence the text.

Ok thanks guys. I'm going to keep the NC thing going.

It's so difficult because I want him back, but I can do it.
Thank u.

I'm going to his place tomorrow to pick my stuff up while he's at work. I wrote a poem about our break up - I always write poetry and he knows I'm a poet.
Do u think I should leave a copy of the poem for him?

I don't think it would be a good idea to leave the poem. Just getting your things and leaving will be difficult enough. Leaving the poem could be seen as an attempt to keep the lines of communication open

Stay strong and let yourself heal. If poetry helps, there are other places to share if you feel it would help. You could even post it here or maybe on the Writing Board.

Writing - Ask Me Help Desk

I'm not going to leave the poem now. He left me nothing, and I will leave him nothing.

I didn't reply to the text yesterday, and about 10 minutes ago, he text again saying:
"would it be easier for u to get ur stuff while Im at work, or would u rather pick it up while Im there?"

I had already decided that I was going today while he's at work, I'm not replying to that text either - but he's texting me and he's the one who asked for NC!
It seems like he wants me to be thinking about him.
Is he scared that I haven't contacted him? Because all through our relationship, even if we were arguing, I still sent him texts. This is the first we have ever gone not speaking to one another.

I am so hurt and annoyed and confused about this whole thing.

Go and pick up your things whilst he s at work and ignore his texts-if he s worried that s his problem now.
Stay strong and stay NC , all contact just adds to the confusion.
I understand you re hurting but you need to look after yourself now.

Keep up with the NC. It will help with your confusion, if you keep telling yourself it is over and he is history. Confusion is greater when you aren't sure about what to do. Ignoring him and making the decision to move on will help.

Don't even accept/read his texts. Just go on with your own life.

The hurt will lessen with time. Try not to let your mind dwell on him or what his actions mean that will only make the pain stronger like when you poke at a bruise.

I just picked up my stuff, I left the keys and nothing else.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I want him back more than anything.

There's no right or wrong here. I think we need to help you clarify why you're going into NC.

We know that you want him back. He knows that you want him back. Now he just needs time to figure out if he wants the same things as you. You're going into no contact for at least two reasons:

1) He needs his time and space to figure things out. It's better for him to think without your influence so he can come up with a more objective decision.

2) You need to gain some perspective by distancing yourself. By talking to him, you will only add to the confusion and give yourself false hope. False hope will set you up for a huge disappointment and heartbreak.

There's a chance he won't want you back. So by going into no contact, you will begin the healing process. If he wants you back, then great! But if he doesn't, you will be in a better position to move on with your life.

You did the right thing.
Make sure you get emotional support from family and friends ;and take one day at the time .
It does get better even though you may not feel that way now.

I am so sorry to hear about your pain.Episodes like these make you feel there's no justice,no God,nothing good in life.They make you doubt yourself,shatter your confidence and your interest in life altogether.And much more.

But when you force yourself to look at such mind-boggling situations very very objectively(which might seem impossible right now,but once you make up your mind to do it,it becomes a practice),you will just think of it as a fact of life that came across your way,unfortunately,which is right here staring at your face and now all you can do is acknowledge it but nothing more.Whats done is done.you can't alter that.Its like so many other bad things that happen to so many people,like accidents,loss of near and dear ones,natural calamities, the list is endless.

But what you can very well do,is to empower yourself with this idea : Life hasn't been kind to me right now and I am hurting badly.I need to take care of myself now--thats in my hand.I need to stand strong for myself and love the bruised,battered me,that got so badly hurt--thats in my hand.My life is in my hands and that is a fact that nobody can take away from me.

Thoughts like these give you courage and confidence to think,to act,in your best interests.You are doing pretty well on the NC part by not giving in to tempations of reacting to his texts.Keep that up.You'll survive.After all he's just a guy who didn't want something beautiful with you.Your life's so much vaster and grander than that.Look around you--you'll find your reasons to live.

NC was broken today u guys.

He contacted my brother saying how sorry he is for what he's done. He told my brother that hurting me was the last thjing he'd ever want to do. My brother replied saying it wasn't his business but he believed this whole thing could be fixed with communication.

He then sent me a text asking if we could meet up on Tuesday evening to talk about "us" and I replied asking him if he has anything new to say. I told him I'd talk to him if he had something different to say, because the last thing I wanted was to meet him and have the sa,me discussion we had on Sunday. (On Sunday I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said he just needed time.)
He replied saying he had nothing new to say, and thought that he would have thought of something when he saw me. He also said he wanted to talk more about us, and him needing time.
I said "how many times do you think I'm going to meet you to be rejected? I'm not meeting up to go over old ground and for nothing to change. When u have something different to say, maybe I'll listen".
Then he replied saying that he would have a think and contact me when his head isn't so messed up.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have met up with him?
Bear in mind, when you are giving me advice - I REALLY want this guy back. I feel that we were always so right together and that we are meant to be together.

You did the right thing. Stick by your decision. Until he has something new to contribute. If this relationship is ever going to work in the future, he needs to understand that something has to change. There's no point going in circles. We want to see process.

Good job on your behalf though, sounds like you're making process on your end!