I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I found out I was pregnant after three months, and miscarried. We ended up moving in together two weeks after the miscarriage happened. There have been a lot of instances where he has put his hands on me, and a few where he has caused quite a bit of damage. We got into a bad place, and we've both decided to step back to try to fix things. Financially - it wasn't best for us to keep our apartment, so I moved home, and he moved in with his sister. We continued to fight like crazy, and I found comfort in talking to a friend of mine that is in the army and in Iraq. When my friend came home on leave, I spent a lot of time with him, and we ended up sleeping together. The problem is - my boyfriend and I have been doing very good, and I'm very happy. My friend that I slept with - was jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend -- so he decided to send AIM conversations, pictures, and a video of me kissing him -- to my boyfriend. I denied sleeping with this guy, but my boyfriend won't speak to me. He cried all day long, and I feel terrible. But, now he's back to being angry. He put his hands on me today. It was the first time in months. This is one time where I understand why he did it. I'm not this kind of girl. I love my boyfriend. I feel terrible for what I did, and terrible for the way that I hurt him. This happened back at the beginning of September and it is now mid October -- Please tell me how I can make this right with him...

Physical abuse is not OK or warranted ever.

You need to be honest with him and yourself (although if you are already being physically abused then you probably cannot safely have the conversation).

If you were truly happy then why did you cheat?

I agree. There's NO reason for physical abuse. NONE! Leave him, move on, and try to gain a healthy perspective on relationships (either through counseling or through finding someone that doesn't hit you).

He s abusive so you stay away from this toxic relationship.
No one deserves to be treated the way he treats you for whatever reason.
Physical abuse tends to escalate and you could find yourself in real danger.
Find a way to move on and don't look back.

You really need to leave them both alone as they both are using your feelings against you, for their own purposes.

The facts that you accept this bad behavior from them, and think its your fault, is a red flag you need to pay attention to.

This is a sign you don't love yourself enough, and the only way you will is to get away from them both and heal, and learn to love yourself enough to not be treated badly by any one, for any reason.

I really appreciate these answers. I'm just not sure that I want to listen to the advice even though I know it makes sense. When I slept with this guy --- that was in the beginning of September. My boyfriend and I really started talking in a more productive way about a week later. I didn't have the heart to tell him, and I was scared to. Talaniman's response kind of hits it head on -- I do completely blame myself for their bad behavior -- but the way I see it is -- I cheated -- I need to deal with the consequences. If I know 100% within me that I would never cheat again -- is there anyway of salvaging my relationship with my boyfriend? Even if it IS toxic, even if there ARE these red flags -- I love him, I don't want to lose him..

This man is an abuser-this is when you run for the hills.
Violence escalates-get out whilst you still have a chance.

Hello, in abusive relationships,and you are in an abusive relationships,there is a control element, in yours,your boyfriend holds the power,when you cheated and he found out,he realised he did not have enough power over you not to cheat,I'm not condoning your cheating,but I find mostly women who are with men who hit them,are normally afraid to do anything to upset the status que.

The guy you cheated with,if you look closely,will probably have the same type of characters in his personality as your boyfriend... you keep picking the same guy.

Saying this is a toxic relationship,is just going to go in one ear and out the other,until YOU realise that you have to break this cycle,you will continue to have abusive and toxic relationships,and continue to pick the same type of man.

He will not stop hitting you... how many times has it been? More then once.

I'm afraid the only advice I can give you will echo the other responses..

Until you have suffered enough,until YOU see what is before your eyes you won't leave,and this behaviour from him will never stop.

Reality Check, and it may come off as really harsh!

Are you crazy?? You cheated because a guy was knocking you upside your head, and you needed to feel love.

He will get pissed, or angry again, and knock you around again.

Now drop this NONSENSE about consequences and take time to get healthy, and happy, so you can have a positive adult experience, and get blessings, not consequences.

Your in total denial, of your own reality.

This behavior will only escalate and one day you will find yourself in a hospital bed fighting for your life.
That is ,if you are lucky enough to survive.
You are allowing this to happen and you need to respect yourself and never allow this.
You need to get out now and you need to protect yourself when you make that known to your BF.The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they try to leave their abuser.
Get out now my dear and honor yourself.You never should justify abuse.He is out of control and it will only get worse.
I have been there and I can assure you,I am telling you the truth.You have no future with an abuser!

He might be able to go weeks, months, maybe even a few years without hitting you. That's how long my father was able to go. He went a few years without hitting my mom. Things were good for a little while. Then he started pushing her around. Not just her, my siblings and me too. Then one day he tried to run her over out in the middle of the street with my baby siblings watching, after he'd kicked the crap out of me. Is that what you want your life to end up? Do you really want to stick around to see if he miraculously changes? Do you really want to risk bringing a child into the world with him?

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

Hitting is hitting it doesn't matter if it was yesterday or a year ago, that is why everyone is focusing on the physical abuse.

Yeah. Cheating was bad. Cheating on an abusive person is especially dangerous. You're lucky the guy didn't kill you when he found out. Because yes, @$$holes like him have been known to kill women for cheating. Not even for cheating. Just because. Because the woman didn't do something just how they wanted. Because they had a bad day and decided to take it out on the woman. Any reason they sit fit in their rageful moment. So yeah, you were wrong to cheat. He's wrong to hit you. And you're a fool if you continue to stay with him.

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Originally Posted by ImessedUp

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad.... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

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OK, from reading your post you cheated because you and your boyfriend were going through a bad time...

cheating in a relationship breaks the trust,and is very difficult to fix.

my advice is to leave this relationship,give yourself plenty of time to heal,and don't to it again.

no trust=no relationship.

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Originally Posted by ImessedUp

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad.... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

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Yes,you did something wrong but hitting you is never and I mean never a justifiable act.
A man with any decency would have said fine and walked away and ended the relationship.

What right does he have to hit you ? How can you defend that?
What if you were carrying his child and he decided to punch you in the stomach?You think he would know better if there was a baby in your belly.Think again! An abuser is not in control!

The fact that he has EVER hit you is cause for alarm! I don't care if it is once a year ,it is wrong,it will happen again and it will get worse.He needs help and so do you!
That is not a sign of love ,it is a sign of anger and immaturity and it is wrong no matter how you try to make it seem like it is O.K..

Don't you have any self respect?
My dear,I lived your life.I was hospitalized many times and I faced death at this mans hands so I know what game you are trying to play by pretending that its not so bad.

It will happen again and it will be worse.It does not mean he loves you.
Abuse is not love.

I just got in from working on a home for battered women. Our church, along with several others in our area, are doing work this weekend on projects that need work, but don't have funding. Well, a couple of weeks ago, there was a murder/suicide in our area. A man shot a woman, then turned the gun on himself. The woman involved had been staying at the house I just mentioned for 3 months, and then decided to go back to the guy who was abusing her, her "boyfriend".

She was dead the next day.

You must understand that when a man hits, slaps, harms a woman in any way, he usually will not stop, and the abuse gets worse and worse.

I think you should stay away from both of the guys. The boyfriend for obvious reasons, and the "friend" for the fact that if he knew your boyfriend was abusive, what did he think that he was going to do when he sent those pictures? Beat you, that's what. He played a cruel stunt thinking that it was going to get the boyfriend out of the picture.

Take time like Tal. Mentioned , and work on yourself esteem. Never allow anyone to ever hurt you. That's unacceptable behavior.

You may think that things are getting better, but there's another storm right around corner, and this is just a calm.

May GOD keep you safe.

I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truly sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truly sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?

The problem is, that the advice given in a different set of circumstances would not work here..

I feel giving any other advice other then to get away and be safe would be putting your life in danger..

That may sound extreme to you,but to me,and I'm being objective here,it would be remiss of me anyway, to advice anything else.

It doesn't matter if this were a different situation. Because it's not. You need to go get yourself some counseling. Maybe if someone is sitting there in front of you telling you all this stuff you will get it. You just don't seem to be getting it. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP! Who cares if he forgives you or believes that you're remorseful. He's hit you. What he wants, chooses to believe, etc. is now meaningless. He deserves nothing.

The best advice has been given.
What you are looking for is a reason to to stay in this abusive relationship.
This guy is an abuser and a controller. He has you believing you deserve the abuse, this way he can continue to do it when he deems it necessary and you will take it.
You need to leave him and stay gone and get some counseling so that you will realize that and abuser does no love, he controls and that you are not a person to be beaten when you don't behave in a way an abuser thinks you should.
Your esteem needs to be worked on. You are an adult, not a child. No man has the right to hit you no matter what you have done.
You are not in love with this creep, you just have such poor feelings about yourself. You think he is the best you can do. Both of these guys are users. You need to find out why you lean towards this type of man.
Advice: LEAVE and COUNSELING

I know I need help. I know that I do -- it's just that I'm not ready yet. I should be. I could say things that he has done in the past -- and it would just give you all the confirmation to everything you already assume has happened. I just want to work it out so bad... Can someone tell me how to work it out? At least for the time being.. even if we break up somewhere down the road because I come to terms with this ---- I'm not at that point yet..

I'm sorry, but I cannot nor will I tell you how to stay in an abusive relationship.
No matter what you do or say, it will not be acceptable to him because he wants to have power over you and the way to that power is through making you feel deserving of abuse.
This is a lose lose situation and you will be the only loser.
Get some counseling, this will help you know what you need to do and give you the strength to do it.

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Originally Posted by ImessedUp

I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truely sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truely sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?

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So let me get this straight. He warned you to stay away because he knew he would BEAT you?

Well, isn't he considerate.

If you insist on being with guys that hurt you, you should at least empower yourself. Learn self-defense, or martial arts. That way, next time one of these guys go off on you, you can at least fight back.

You want advice on this mess, if abuse wasn't in the picture. Most of us can't see past the abuse, does that frustrate you?

Well, no one here wants to help you stay with an abusive person.

Why live with constant danger from someone who says he loves you?

He may very well love you to death.

I'm not about to give you advice on how to stay with this abusive jerk either. If you want to give us an idea of where you are I'll help you Google support groups and counselors. But no way am I giving you advice on staying with him.

I'm in the Chicago suburbs.. 30 minutes south of Chicago... He's a pro boxer... it complicates things... What do I do now when he calls? Or comes by my work? I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless I'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that...

Don't answer your phone. If he comes by your work, tell him to leave. Inform your manager's what's going on so they'll know to back you up. If there's security, talk to them so they know to watch out for him. Have someone walk you to your car. If he keeps coming by or calling after you've told him to go away, get a restraining order. If he continues after you get one, call the police and enforce it. How does him being a pro boxer complicate things? To me, it just makes it that much more clear that he is dangerous. Not only can he not control his rage, he's been trained to inflict pain. A truly deadly combination.

Chicago Abused Women Coalition

Domestic Violence Agencies

Even if these places aren't close enough for you to go to, I'm sure if you call, they can at least refer you to someplace closer.

I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time... but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a posibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way...

No one is going to give you advice on how to keep an abuser, there is NONE. We all have seen the tragic results of staying, and sadly so will you.

At least talk to someone that knows, such as a counselor, and let them teach you why its so hard to be ready to leave them. Oft times, its really to late then.

If you are pregnant, think of what your bringing your child into.

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Originally Posted by I messed Up

I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time........ but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a possibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again......... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way.....

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If you are pregnant the last thing you want to do is raise a child in an abusive situation.
Do you want your son or daughter growing up thinking this is normal? How do you know he won't be angry that you're pregnant and harm you and this possible unborn child?
You need to leave this guy, get a restraining order if he does not leave you alone.
If you are pregnant it no longer about you. You must protect this child and the only way to do that is to be away from him.

You did wrong by cheating but he had no right to abuse you before or after. What kind of man hits a woman, and his being a prize fighter, he has problems and he really has no business hitting a woman. You need to get away from him.

Doing it without him in the picture doesn't have to mean being alone. Do you have family or friends to be there with you? Would you really rather risk having a child witness you be abused, and be abused themselves, than risk having a child without a father figure? Because that is what will happen. The abuse towards you will continue. Not just maybe. It will. It will not stop. And it will most likely turn towards your child. Is that really what you want? You need to think about that. Is being with him worth your life? Yes, you messed up. You stayed with him after he hit you. You cheated on him. That was all wrong. It does not justify his actions. It does not excuse them. Not now. Not ever. Nothing you can do will ever justify his hitting you.

Better going it alone than bringing your child up having an abusive father
If he hits you do you seriously think he wouldn't be capble of hurting your child as well...

Honestly I think this post has gone on long enough.

You have had ALL the information you could possibly need you have just chosen to ignore it an keep asking how to get him back.

No-one is going to tell you.

You need to leave... end of story.

To tell you the truth, I'd rather be beaten up than to be cheated. I hate this excuses that someone got carried away and ending up sleeping with someone else omg. Yeah, you did a good job, you cheated on him. Did he deserve it to be cheated? And what kind of boyfriend is he, beating a woman. OMG. But it's better than to cheat. I would like to see how you would react if he cheated on you with someone else. And then she would post all the pictures and all the conversation on MSN and so. Why do people have affair, when they are in a relationship. What's more you were dishonest to him. When you become a mother, I hope your child will understand this. I can't find any good sympathy with you, even though I try to.

Seems like you think you're the one who's suffering the most, but the truth is your boyfriend is suffering more than you. How did he feel when he saw the video you kissing with that guy. Tss.

Ok, even though, you're this bad, but I got no choice, but to give you some advice.

Just tell your boyfriend, if he lays his hand on you one more time, tell him you'll call the cops. And if he won't change just leave him for good or you two will be suffering.

Now you feel bad, but during the sex, how did you feel? Did you feel guilty at all, huh? Omg, why do I hate cheating this much. Cheating ruins everything. And you're one of them. You're a damn cheater and he's a bad abuser. Omg, these human's actions. Why are the people so stupid, why don't they just open their eyes and realize that they are doing stupid actions.

You know what, you're just one of the bad example for your child. I don't know what he'll be. But God Bless Him. An unwanted child, who's born by a cheating mom and abusing dad. The hell, how can sth like this exist.

And I don't care if you feel humiliated by me. You deserve it. For every bad commitments, there shall be punishments. Don't like it? Don't care! I'm not that understanding? Well, you can't expect from a 18 years old boy to understand these things.

Now, there's so little you can save. And everyone who just said to leave your boyfriend. Don't you all see the consquences? What about that child? You know how hard is it, to be raised by a single mother? Use your heart over brain sometimes.

Stay with you boyfriend, tell him that you can't stand his approach. It hurts you and ask him if he cares about that child. I can tell that both of you, are really bad persons. Hope you'll improve soon

Good luck in life, you will have hard time

Omg, everyone can change. My father was also a abuser, but I told him to stop. I protected my mother no matter what. I think only a good son can make his father to stop. It's better to have an abusive father than to have a lonely family. The child will suffer omg, how can't you understand this?

Omg. Are you out of your mind? This woman is not in a safe situation. Do not encourage her to stay in a potentially life threatening relationship. Yeah, people can change. But most don't.

I'm not strong enough for this. I messed up, really bad. He messed up, really bad. I can't do this.

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

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I'm not strong enough for this. I messed up, really bad. He messed up, really bad. I can't do this.

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You don't have to do it alone, people have already posted in the thread where you can get the help you need.

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Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

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@devil
Nobody condones cheating, the important thing is she gets the help she needs

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Originally Posted by DevilNam

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

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I really meant to disagree with you, not agree.
This man was hitting her before she cheating.
He is an abuser and she needs to be away from him.
His emotional problems are not her fault. This is a big man
A prize fighter who hits women. Was hitting her before.
Did you not read all of her post?

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Originally Posted by DevilNam

Omg, everyone can change. My father was also a abuser, but I told him to stop. I protected my mother no matter what. I think only a good son can make his father to stop. It's better to have an abusive father than to have a lonely family. The child will suffer omg, how can't you understand this?

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It is not up to the child to protect the parent. The parent's job is to protect the child. I am sorry that you had to be the grown up in your family. I think you need to get counseling for yourself. However, this is not about you.

I am going to be extremely blunt and harsh:

Imessedup, wake up. When are you going to "be ready" to get your life and self-esteem back? When you are in the hospital with broken bones? When your spleen or kidneys have been damaged? When you are in the hospital praying that your unborn child survives long enough to be born, hopefully, healthy? When you are mourning your unborn child that you miscarried because he got mad and hit you in the stomach again?

Yes, you messed up. That is for you to work through for yourself. Only you can forgive yourself and move forward from there. Using his fists to punish yourself is not acceptable behavior.

You want us to tell you what to do to keep him from hitting you again when he thinks about whatever wrongs you have done him. Other than cheating, what other wrongs have you done to deserve being hit? Not say, "yes, sir"? Didn't have his dinner warm enough or cool enough? His beer had too much foam? Those are reasons that I have seen other women get hit for. The woman with the beer, her arm was broken in four places. Did they deserve it? Why do you? Why does any possible child you attempt to bring into the world?