This may sound silly, but I don't know what to do.. or even how to feel.
The guy I love... only guy I've ever loved has told me I'm beautiful and my bodys so perfect and amazing. That sound all fine a dandy I know... but sometimes I feel like he's not attracted to who I am at all and just says those things to make me feel better.

When he describes what he finds attractive out of random conversation he explains the exact opposite =[

He always said he liked pale girls with dark SHORT hair and stuff.
When we were dating I had long blonde hair and average skin tone.
I broke up with him and he came running back to me and we kept getting together and just stopping and getting together and just stopping. This was very crushing for me. I felt like I was never good enough. I even dyed my hair dark (which I HATE) but I still style it long and crazy like I love it (my hairs what they call "scene")i wouldn't have it any other way. Yet I'm insecure.. he likes punk chicks with Mohawks (gross) I listen to punk and even dress it a little but still have the scene girly style. He in a band and plays shows all the time and I don't know maybe he'll spot his dream girl out there in the crowd and forget about me.

OK... I don't even know what the question I'm asking is anymore thanks to my rant.

I guess I'll just say.
A:should I change my style to please him and impress him
b:TELL HIM HOW I FEEL AND ASK HIM WHAT HE REALLY WANTS
C:LEAVE IT ALONE AND JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE CAUSE IM INSECURE?

(sry I hit the caps lock) I'm upset so please no rude comments<3

Just be your real self. Don't change to be what you think he wants. If he's not happy with the real deal, tough! If you keep changing, trying to please him, you will lose yourself, as I think you realize already.

Maybe, just maybe, the real you is his anchor while he's swimming in the choppy seas of the band scene.

(My husband always wanted me to have hair like Crystal Gayle. Forget it! I told him I wanted him to look like Johnny Mathis. He never mentioned Crystal Gayle again.)

Thanks for you're opinion. Your very nice,I feel a little better

Wondergirl is right.

Never ever try to be something that you aren't , he obviously loves you the way you are so you need to stop being paranoid about it.

It's not unusual for men to like women of different appearances to their spouse but that definitely doesn't mean their going to leave them.

Good Luck.

Say he wants you to be punky, so you do that, then the next boyfriend wants you to look like Queen Elizabeth so you get your hair done in little white curls and add 50 pounds to your weight and then the next boyfriend wants you to look like Angelina Jolie... see what I mean?? Who are you??

I will always have my own style and have never changed for friends or specially not boys.. but I really love this guy. And am insecure and well suicidal. I need help but don't know how to get it. I need self esteem but that seems impossible. I hate everything about myself physicaly)(and my looks are so important to me, I'm so vain its disgusting) but I love my personality I'm a very blunt,outgoing,sarcastic goofy person(usually)but when this severe depression sets in I start questioning everything.

Just be yourself. You know what you like, so be it.

I was sort of 'punk' when I met my Ex and not really his 'type' at all, but be liked me and my personality and we just hit it off.

My concern is the on-off stuff which I don't think has anything to do with your 'look'. I think that you put up with a bit of $hit from him because you want him to notice you and you think he's the one. He's not.

What I'm saying is that it's not about the way you look - it's about how you allow him to treat you. By all means let him know how you feel, but be ready to hear an answer you may not like. I think you may be wasting your time with this one.

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Originally Posted by itsamor

I will always have my own style and have never changed for friends or specially not boys..but i really love this guy. and am insecure and well suicidal. i need help but don't know how to get it. i need self esteem but that seems impossible. i hate everything about myself physicaly)(and my looks are so important to me, im so vain its disgusting) but i love my personality i'm a very blunt,outgoing,sarcastic goofy person(usually)but when this severe depression sets in i start questioning everything.

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Love accepts each other for who they are. Love doesn't demand changes. Love doesn't warp oneself to please the other.

How old are you? What about finding a good counselor to talk with for at least a few sessions?

I'm 19.. and have a shrink and therapist.. none of it has done a bit of good =[
I think I have some serious mental problems and am not going to get far in life. And yea the guy I'm talking about says he's scared of me and runs away before I hurt him again.. cause yeah I did break up with him.. and did do something pretty bad after that. He also has mental problems and is a junkie now. Well.. I told him to stop and he says he did. I don't buy it. Just the other day he asked me for money to pay his phone bill after he spent 200 bucks on heroin. I don't know were both poison. He and others calls us "Sid & Nancy" which is kind of funny. Lets hope I don't die by getting stabbed like nancy did

Oh and he never did drugs until after he dated me. I destroyed him *in his words* which makes me feel like a ty person

*ty*

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Originally Posted by itsamor

I'm 19..and have a shrink and therapist..none of it has done a bit of good =[
I think i have some serious mental problems and am not gonna get far in life. and yea the guy im talking about says he's scared of me and runs away before i hurt him again..cause yeah i did break up with him..and did do something pretty bad after that. He also has mental problems and is a junkie now. well..i told him to stop and he says he did. i dont buy it. just the other day he asked me for money to pay his phone bill after he spent 200 bucks on heroin. idk were both poison. he and others calls us "Sid & Nancy" which is kinda funny. lets hope i dont die by getting stabbed like nancy did

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Well, I'm a counselor, and wonder what those two people are doing wrong that you don't think counseling is helping. Do you take prescribed meds?

This guy sounds like poison, and he will put you in the poorhouse. How can I help you?

Ohhh this won't let my curse.. my bad xx

Well I have meds... I actually can't sleep with out taking a ton of seroquel or xanax. I also have welbutrin,pristiq,abilify... list goes on. My therapist just repeats everything I say to her. Which makes me really mad. And she just says "love your self for who you are , you have to deal what you were given" one time I was tellling her I was upset about not being treated like a Women cause of my baby face and everyone thinks I'm 15 or something. And she replyed saying I look like I could be 5 or 6 year younger than I am.. and I need to change my style and get a new hair cut.

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Originally Posted by itsamor

Well i have meds...i actually can't sleep with out taking a ton of seroquel or xanax. i also have welbutrin,pristiq,abilify...list goes on. My therapist just repeats everything i say to her. Which makes me really mad. and she just says "love your self for who you are , you have to deal what you were given" one time i was tellling her i was upset about not being treated like a Women cause of my baby face and everyone thinks im 15 or something. and she replyed saying i look like i could be 5 or 6 year younger than i am..and i need to change my style and get a new hair cut.

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Did you ever tell her you are mad at her? I tell my clients to do that to me, to let me know how they feel about anything I say or how I act. And they do!

What would you like her to do or say?

I don't know tell me some that isn't of the obvious. Steps to take and how, even I'd like one of these doctors to tell me why I act and feel the way I do. There's got to be some sort of study to answer why people do certain things..

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Originally Posted by itsamor

idk tell me some that isnt of the obvious. steps to take and how, even i'd like one of these doctors to tell me why i act and feel the way i do. theres gotta be some sorta study to answer why people do certain things..

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There are tons of studies and other literature in psych journals. Do me a favor. Confront your therapist. Tell her you are mad and why. YOU are the client and have all the rights. It's time she realizes you want to make some changes and you need her help. Then stop talking and see what she says.

Could you do that? For me? When do you see her again?

You and your therapist are supposed to be a team. Let's get her ON the team and doing some batting. (Sounds like she's just sitting on the bench.)

It's nearly 2:30 here and I really must go to bed. I'll check here in the morning to see what is going on.

Btw, are you taking your meds at the right time and at the right dosage? That's important, you know.

I know advice from a 22 year old guy will probably seem choppy and corny but here goes.

I am one of the most insecure guys ever. I worry about every little thing especially when it comes to my girlfriend. I try and try so hard to please her, make her happy. I do what I have to to make sure (in my mind) that she will never leave me. I guess you could say I'm scared $hitless of her leaving me. But within the past couple weeks I've learned to let go. I can't go on worrying what she's thinking every second of the day, worries if she'll be home when I get there.

I realized I needed to put trust in what she says to me and I never had a reason for not trusting her.

Changing who YOU are for someone else is never a good idea. Along the road you'll completely forget yourslef and you'll spend your whole life pleasing them and neglecting the necessisties you need to live a happy life.

As far as you breaking up with him, by the way things sound it was probably for the best. Now I can't say for certain and I really wouldn't want to butt in but overall I think it was a choice you had to make before things got worse.

As for him being a junkie now (since he started dating you) that's B.S. I highly doubt you forced the needle in his arms (did u? :)) I think it was something he said while you were breaking up with so you would feel bad for what you were doing.

As far as the depression goes, we all have periods where it feels like we've reached our limits and there's nothing out there for us. But let me tell you, that's when the true you comes out and you realize what you're made of. Think of yourself, what makes you happy, what's drives you. Think of the goals and dreams you have. Think of your family (whether or not you like them) this could be a great time to reconcile with them.

I hope this helped. If not I hope it goes to show that you are not alone and there's no reason to ever feel that you're the only one.

Rick

P.S. Since letting go and trusting her more, my relationship has been great. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You and your therapist are supposed to be a team. Let's get her ON the team and doing some batting. (Sounds like she's just sitting on the bench.)

It's nearly 2:30 here and I really must go to bed. I'll check here in the morning to see what is going on.

Btw, are you taking your meds at the right time and at the right dosage? That's important, you know.

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Thank you.. sry it took me so long to reply. Longgg day.

And thanks rick, I need to stop trying to please people

I think its time for you to move on. Keep you eyes and ears open. Know more people. First of all be comfortable and be who you are.. don't try and do what you don't like...
Maybe you should stay away from him and get yourself a hobby to keep yourself busy

We have the perfect chemistry and have the most amazing sex I have ever had in my life. We both agree, but there's something about him that stirs me the wrong way. I guess I think he's pretty selfish. And he thinks I'm a b****. I'm just very blunt, and sarcastic. He's the leader in a band and I don't know seems like he needs to be the commander and chief 24/7. Unlike when I first started dating him.. I pretty much had all control. We both have emotional/mental disorders and have been through a lot. He keeps telling me he's going to marry me one day. And he wants me to be his baby's momma. Yet we aren't "together" right now. I even went as far as to stop talking to him period. I blocked him on the internet and wouldn't pick up his calls.. He got on his bands AIM Sn and started saying how much he misses/loves me and even saw one of my friends and kept asking everyone if they've seen me and to tell them to tell me to talk to him. I gave in... and un blocked him and even hung out with him yesterday. I'm trying to figure out what about him pisses me off so much. He's very snappy and short tempered. As am I at times. Maybe we both are so much alike we clash =/
And get mad at something that we do our own selves. I just can't figure out why he NEEDS me to talk to him and be in his life so bad but not be his girlfriend? I know he's busy but it makes me feel not good enough. Plus he doesn't sleep around with other girls or even interested in any.. which is weird and he's everything I want.. despite a few character flaws. But I've been randomly hooking up with people (I mean I AM single!) But he begs me not to talk about other guys and always says he hopes he's the only guy I sleep with. Which starts making me feel guilty un-like when I stop talking to him altogether. Idk what he wants out of me. :(

Hmm this does seem confusing... and this guy doesn't seem to know what he really wants, which is bad, because its confusing you and making you feel bad for doing what you want, while you are single, which shouldn't make you feel bad at all...

I guess you need to sit down and talk with him, if possible, and tell him he can't keep playing you like this and stringing you along, and if he wants to be with you, make it official, be his girlfriend, but if he doesn't know, or isn't sure, or can't do it right now, then tell him he doesn't have the right to tell you what to do, or make you feel bad when the 2 of you aren't in a relationship.

My guess is you are both very strong and dominant personalities and that always causes conflict. Its hard to accept, but for this to work, one of you might have to step down a little and let the other lead, to some extent.

This is not something you hear everyday, and now with women's rights now, but yeah, you can't have 2 leaders in a relationship, just like you can't have 2 drivers with 2 steer wheels in one car. One needs to be the driver, and the other the passenger... but the passenger still has a say where they go, so its not all bad...

I hope you get what I'm trying to say... and I hope it works out..

I am in the same position! Only me n my guy have been together for almost 2 years and then he just broke it of, said he's not ready for a relationship but still wants to sleep with me and spend some time with me but only on his terms and makes me feel bad when I go out with my friends without him

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Originally Posted by chicky42

I am in the exact same position! Only me n my guy have been together for almost 2 years and then he just broke it of, said he's not ready for a relationship but still wants to sleep with me and spend some time with me but only on his terms and makes me feel bad when i go out with my friends without him

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Wow! Now that's just not good... its really not cool... right there, he is playing you, using you and just keeping you around as a back up... you shouldn't let him do this. Stand up for yourself and be strong..

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Wow! Now thats just not good... its really not cool... right there, he is playing you, using you and just keeping you around as a back up... you shouldn't let him do this. Stand up for yourself and be strong..

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Its so hard though, I still love him I thought we were happy and then next thing its over. I miss him and still want to be with him which is why I keep running to him when he calls. HELP!

See? He knows this... he knows you are there at his beck and call... so why date you exclusively? He has got the best of both worlds...

He can use you when he wants, and if he has something better to do, then cya...

Seriously, you may love him, but what he is showing you is definitely not love... if you don't believe me, start a new thread of your own and see what everyone else has to say...

Sorry for the temporary hijack itsamor... back on track now... :)

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

See? He knows this... he knows you are there at his beck and call... so why date you exclusively? He has got the best of both worlds...

He can use you when he wants, and if he has something better to do, then cya...

Seriously, you may love him, but what he is showing you is definitely not love... if you don't believe me, start a new thread of your own and see what everyone else has to say...

Sorry for the temporary hijack itsamor... back on track now... :)

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Sorry itsamor :)

It okay, I'm the one who broke up with him after we were dating for like 2 years... then he always comes running back to me.. and we got back together and he broke up with me but that was after he found out I slept with his best friend and he couldn't handle it. Idk we keep switching on and off and it is very confusing. Something tells me no matter what we'll end up together though.

This isn't confusing, you're using each other for amusement, but you both play games, that are not so amusing. Neither of you have boundaries, just lust that you act on, and enjoy.

Have fun playing your games. That's all they are.

Thread over/i solved my problem.

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Originally Posted by itsamor

thread over/i solved my problem.

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And after all the experience and effort and writing we've poured into your question, you're not going to share how you solved your problem? We're going to go to bed tonight totally oblivious? We will never know?