 |
My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 7 months, everything was perfect and we have lots of fun together. We lived together for about 5 months and now I live in my own apartment. He has recently asked me for space and time, he says he's confused. I love him so much and I see a future with him, please tell me what I should do?
Give it to him... don't contact him at all so he knows what he is missing
If he loves you he will be back. Stay busy and enjoy yourself in the meantime
Quote:
Originally Posted by azif
Thank you for your reply
I haven't contacted him at all ever since I told him how I feel. Then he came by and got his things and that was the last time (4 days ago) when I saw hi and spoke to him.
I have some of my stuff at his place (not necessary things) and his key, do you think I should make a move and tell him I want to take my stuff and give him his key?
Also, when he came here (to my place) a few days ago, he asked me to join him and his friends to a seminar this weekend which we had to apply to. I have have decided not to go, do you think I should, and when he calls should I talk to him?
Don't go to the seminar, I'd definitely leave it a few weeks at least before collecting your belongings. Depending on the value of them, I wouldn't even bother doing it. As for the calls, its hard to say. You haven't given us that much information, but if he hasn't contacted you for 4 days then I'd definitely be treating this as a break-up. You should continue no-contact and not answer his calls. If he does decide he has made a huge mistake then he'll be very clear in letting you know (i.e. not telling you over the phone) - do not fall for anything less than this!
+1 to advice above
If he collected his stuff it seems like it's a breakup more than likely (my stuff has been at my ex's for almost a month now, I know if I see her ill do something stupid and look desperate - I want her back so much but there's nothing that can be done)
As for your things unless you need them probably avoid it
The last time when I went over to his apartment, (that was when I was so hysterical and hurt) and when we were talking, he told me just give me some space and let me be alone for a little bit, I feel that things moved a bit too fast (that's what he said). Then I told him don't do this to us, we're so good together and...Quote:
Originally Posted by qerp32
Then he told me, we have two choices, either we break it off, or we give each other a bit of space. And I said fine. That was before the phone call and before he came to get his stuff. I was more calm at the time he came and didn't say much, just asked him if he misses me and he said please don't make this harder than it is. And that was when he asked me to go with him to the seminar. After that I haven't heard from him.
As much as I miss him, I don't want to contact him, no calls and no text messages either. I also believe that he loves me and misses me, he will call and come find me. The worst part to all this is that we were so perfect and had such a great time together. We were like best friends.
I really really miss him and I just hope that he comes to his senses and sees that he loves me. Oh and by the way, before all this happened, the day he returned from his trip, he even told me that our New Years holiday is confirmed and that other people are going to join us! So that's why I'm so confused, because he says all these things and did what he did! Even from the Sates he kept telling me how much he loves me and misses me and then he comes back and says he doesn't know!
I think he has taken my love for granted. By the way, do you think I should talk to one of his friends? She really likes me and we all hung out all the time...
For whatever reasons he seems to have changed his mind.
Hard as this is you must accept the situation and look after yourself now.
At the top of the page there are stickies with good advice-please read these.
Avoid any contact with him and don't speak to or ask any of his friends what they think.
Breakups are tough but you ll get through this one day at the time.
I can see why you are confused, but I would still treat it as a breakup for now. Let him make some kind of move if he decides he wants to continue with the relationship. That way its win/win, because if he doesn't, you'll already be moving on anyway.
Don't talk to his friend, he may find out and see it as you hassling him still.
Sounds more like a break up to me. I suggest you leave each other alone unless he wants to get back together. Otherwise, you're just going to get more confused every time you talk to him, because you will be over-analyzing all the little details.
Focus on doing your own thing. If he comes back to you, then great. If he doesn't, you'll be in a better position to move on with your life because you would have started the healing process.
I understand... thank you for your reply, and advise
Unfortunately at this stage and point, as hard as it is, I cannot do anything...
bratt_y, I hate to say this, but he is playing games with the relationship and your feelings. I wouldn't trust him if he did come back and profess his undying love. His actions don't back that up.
Your New Year's trip, was it originally supposed to be just the two of you? The seminar has other friends going too? It sounds like he is trying to relegate you to the 'friends' category maybe with 'benefits'.
I would relegate him to the past and work on healing from this relationship before finding someone who will care for you as a whole person and a partner in the relationship instead of a toy to be played with when he chooses.
He can work on his confusion much better if there is one less item in the mix.
Go No Contact and other than returning his key and getting your things (if you want them) have NO further contact with him.
Keep yourself busy and work on your self-esteem. You don't deserve to be jerked around like this.
The New Years trip is supposed to be a whole bunch of us and the seminar is also with another couple. But the New Years trip, we have been planing for the past 4 months or so and just when he came back from the States he told me another couple if going to join as well.
I'm not contacting him at all. My girlfriends all told me not to contact him and leave your stuff there and don't bother with anything. They also told me the reason why he's behaving like this is because he knows how much I love him and is sure of it and he knows that I'm there for him, cause unfortunately I have proved that to him. So I guess now is the time I need to turn the tables and prove to him, I'm not just there for you to come run to anytime you want. Because our relationship was really good, and the day he was telling me all this, he tried to look for stupid excuses saying the way I reacted to an argument on some particular day was not right in his mind and bla bla bla...
But I know and I am so sure that he just used excuses and he knows what we have is very special and we are so good together. We have the best of times and he knows that.
But I know with guys when they see everything so good and they see the girl is doing everything for them and is always there, they get overwhelmed and they take you for granted. The challenge has to return to our relationship and he has to see, I have to prove to him, that it's not all that simple.
And my friend told me, the only way he will see that is if I show it by not contacting him at all.
We had an argument about two months ago where he said to me, we're always together, I need my space, you brought all your stuff in here, and maybe things are moving fast. Then when I wanted to take my things back to my apartment, he said no, I don't want you to, why do you have to be so extreme... and all these things. He said I just felt that you are "invading my territory" and I thought you want to bring more things in here so I freaked out.
Anyway, as much as I miss him, love him and everything, I also need to show him that I'm not there and he needs to REALIZE this, he needs to see that he REALLY LOVES ME, and most of all it should come to a point where he REGRETS the things that he said to me, cause they really hurt me.
You don't need to show him anything at all. Just leave him alone, and start doing your thing without him.
Moving in with a guy after two months was a bit to fast, and it seemed to have smothered him. Give him time and space, but don't hold your breath waiting for a guy who is just not that interested in you, as you are him.
The quotations are all great, thank you. I know he has a lot on his plate and feels stressed out and I really wish that I could be there for him, I want to be there. But when I think about a lot of things as well, I wish and want him to be there for me also, after all, everything works both way and it's a "couple thing". Both should make the effort.
I am planing on going to his house when he's not there and taking all my things out, I still have things there, after all he did ask for space and I don't want my things to be there. And then I will leave his key as well. When I spoke to my mother about it, she also suggested I take my things out of his place, and I feel it's better this way.
I know I love him with all my heart, and at the end of the day I DON'T want to lose him, but at the same time he should want that as well even though he may have a lot going on in his head with everything. We all have responsibilities in life and we are all financially effected at this time, but you should not push away the people you love most, even if you feel they are with you all the time. I messed up by being with him all the time and taking care of him a lot, but it was all because he appreciated it so much.
I hope things work out...
I'm so confused and restless at this point. I needed to get something's which are items for my work out of his place. So last night I stopped by, called first and asked if he's home. Then I went over, said hi and he went and sat on the couch, I started to move some of my stuff out and he asked if he could help, I was very calm and said no thank you. We didn't say anything to each other, as I came up from my car to take the rest, he had fallen asleep! I told him I'll come back another time, you're tired and I don't want to disturb you. Then I left. I didn't bother going back today. I was on FB and one of he's friends was online, I said hi and we had a quick chat, she didn't ask about him at all, and now that this has happened, I keep relating everything to this matter. I thought maybe he has told people that we broke up and I don't even know it so I look like a fool! Then my friends told me no maybe he just said we're on a break. I keep having all these random thoughts and it drives me crazy.
I still have a lot of personal things and some of my clothes there, what should I do, and the key, what should I do??
Unfortunately, bratt_y I would take a step back and do absoltely nothing. Nothing, you seeing him right now will not change things, it will just add more stress on the relationship. I would go my own way for now, and if its meant to be in the near future, then it will happen. Sounds like he needs his space, and whatever reason it is, the relationship moved to fast or whatever, he is the only one that can figure it out right now. He needs time, and you being there for him, isn't going to help it. You can't see that right now, because in your mind you want him back and to make things right. It's way too soon, let him miss you and cut off the contact for quite awhile, till he gets his head together. Good luck
Don't do anything, and don't go over to the apt, let him make the moves, don't be available. All the excuses, are to just see him. He isn't quite interested right now, I am not saying he doesn't love you, but he sounds confused. By you being there in his presence, by showing up, is only going to add fuel to the fire. Be scarce, and don't go there, as hard as it is. Guy wants challenges and right now, your not showing him that. I am not saying like go out and find someone else, just work on yourself. If he is interested, he will contact you in the future, DO NOTHING as hard as it is. Don't stop by...
Bratt-y we have all been there, at one point in our lives. Your in the midst of it all, and were on the outside. I am just saying if you want this relationship to work eventually or its meant to be, he will find you again, and miss you. But by you showing up, it isn't going to accomplish anything it will only hurt you in the long run.
And what should I do with my stuff that's there?? And his key? Should I go take all my things out? Should I give back his key?
Don't do anything bratt_y, even if you have his key. I am sure he has another one.. If he wanted it back he would come over and get it from you. As far as your clothes, do nothing right now, try to do with what you have. If he wants to get them to you, let him. NOT YOU by no means. You have to become independent for now, as hard as it is. You probably think by seeing him and getting your things out of the apt, is going to change things, its not going to for now. He made it clear that he wants space, he needs to think things over, you have to let him miss you if there is ever a chance, stop being available to him. The relationship went way too fast, and the more you see him he is going to go away from it. He thinks in his mind oh she still cares, stop caring for now. It's feeding into him.. If he asks about the seminar, say no for now... show him you are not settling for this...
I didn't go to the seminar, it was this past weekend. He didn't even bother calling me to ask if I was going and I didn't want to go either. I have already expressed to him, (the first few days when he gave me this whole news) how much I love him and how I don't want to lose what we have. So I have nothing else to express to him at this point, I've done more than enough, waaaay more, he's quite clear of my feelings. So much that when I went there last night to get some things which I HAD to get, he went to sleep and that was it, I got what I needed to get and walked out.
My only concern now is my stuff being there and his key, and if you suggest I should leave it then I'll do that. But what if he tells me to take it to him, wouldn't that crush my dignity! And make me look really bad?
Concentrate on looking after and taking care of yourself now-dont worry about what anyone else thinks.
See friends and get busy so that your life forward.
I think you had your chance already to get your stuff, and return his key. Anything else is just pushing it at this time, when you need to let the emotional dust settle, and try not to get carried away by your own feelings, and assuming too much.
I think you do much better, to rally around yourself, at this time, and get your confidence back, so you can decide what you need, as opposed to what he is doing.
So I waited for two weeks and gave him his "space", just yesterday he sent me an e-mail saying I don't think it's going to work out and we should be "friends". He wrote, I may be upset right now but later on I will understand and it's best this way! And he asked me to let him know when I will go there and pick up my stuff and he can help...
I was so upset and angry at the same time, so hurt and felt like a fool, felt like I had given so much "love" to the guy who I thought was "the one"... all these crazy thoughts and fears came into my mind.
I went there immediately cause I did not want anything of mine to be there anymore, not to have his key in my hand anymore.
He was shocked to see me, and I started to speak my mind. I was calm and tried to stay unemotional. I asked him, since when do we become "friends" with the ones that we love and have once slept with... I asked him, weren't you the one that had this the theory that we can't be friends with the ones that we once loved! He just looked at me and said well if you don't want to be friends than we won't be and then he said I am friends with some of my other ex's!
Anyway, I went on and on and I asked him if he's met someone else, if someone else is in his life, he said no.
I told him I only came here to collect my things, not to win you back or ask for other chances for us, no, I just came here to tell you I have been so faithful and loyal to you, so honest for 7 months, I have loved you to pieces and this is what you have done to us, you broke us. He said I have thought about it for the past two weeks and I think this is the best way because I don't want to think "emotionally"! He told me he has learned from past experiences and relationships that he should not think emotionally and only rationally. I was so hurt so hear broken, but then I just looked at him and said: when you love someone or something so much, you have to respect their opinion and give them what they want... he was surprised and stayed quiet. And I said that is exactly what I am going to do, give you what you want.
I asked him why? What happened with us? He said you are a type of girl that is very strong and passionate and I am also very strong and passionate so the two won't work together. Which I'm sorry but it's bullsh*t. Cause he always preached about how he loves my character and how strong I am , he loves a lot of things about me. He also said I am the type of girl that wants to control a guy and takes over!! Which then he had nothing to back it up with cause I told him, when have I ever controlled anything in this relationship, he knows I'm not like that AT ALL and didn't have anything to say when he said that, it was such a low blow (sorry)
You know, I've come to have such faith and strong believe that if someone wants to leave, they will use any sort of excuse or flaws on the relationship just for the sake of getting out. And especially with men, if they don't want something, they will say anything to that person to leave her.
So at the end, I hugged him and told him you're special to me and I love you, I said it ONLY for myself cause I wanted him to know what he messed up, frankly I don't care what he thinks. I looked at him and said, you messed up something really good and one day you will realize, you will see what you broke...
I still have him on my (network account) and can see his actions, he wants go partying with his friends and these girls are all his friends and in a way it annoys me. I think he doesn't care and he feels good! :(
I hope and pray for the day that he realizes what he did, how much he hurt me, how he broke us... will that happen :(
Be glad that you are rid of him. Rational and logical? He is a joke. Let him be his own punchline.
Dump him from your network. Go full No Contact. Keep yourself busy, mind and body. Don't even give him a thought. He hasn't grown up enough to merit the title of man. His actions and words are those of a boy trying to play grown-up games and not understanding the rules.
Let him become part of your past. Allow yourself to heal and get rid of the baggage that this relationship gave you. It won't be easy, but you will be stronger after you let him go.
I understand that you re in a lot of emotional pain and feel angry and confused.
What you should do is delete him on the social network and start your own healing .
Its about you now-his life and his mistakes are his problems now not yours.
Be good to you and focus on your life.
I felt the same way you do now, when I got dumped. That's why I can tell you break ups suck big time, but like MOST relationships, the pain doesn't last forever.
I wonder if it was all a lie! I know and felt at some point, from the things he said that he he wants to get married and he has objectives but then I guess he changed his mind. Maybe it was because I moved in with him, maybe it was because he kept telling me to move more of my stuff to his place and I did, maybe I shouldn't have, but then again at the same time, I think and believe, if someone is so sure of what they want and they really do want to make a move in their life, then it shouldn't matter and be a big deal if their partner moves in or they get closer.
I feel so bad, and upset, I think maybe I scared him, was it my fault? But then again, he kept telling me he wants to get married and he has objectives
You have to accept that feelings change. My ex loved me so much more than I did her to begin with, I thought it would be like that forever, but after 4 years she just stopped.
If it was a change of feelings its not your fault. Its nobodies. You can't change what happened.
Ive wasted the past month thinking about everything different I could have done and now I'm going to fail an exam on Monday that I thought was so important to me
It probably looked good on paper, and felt right, we all fall into that mindset. Its hard to resist the urges our heart tells us to. We have to though, just because all things aren't as good as they seem.
You think you know enough in 7 months, but you don't.
To much, to fast, crash and burn.
It's been two weeks since he broke up with me and I miss him a lot, I'm stronger some days then the others but I really miss him :( I haven't heard any news from him at all, and I have not had any contact what's so ever from my end either. The other night I went out with some friends and saw one of his friends. He approached me and started talking, and he said "oh I can't believe you guys broke up, we were just talking about you yesterday..." so he went on telling me about him (my ex) cause this guys (the friend) was a bit drunk so he was just telling me all these things! ;) so he said that my ex had told him.. "ye, she was there at my house all the time, she was sweet, she cooked for me... "! And I was so shocked cause I told his friend the reason why did all those things is cause he was such a sweet guy, cause he appreciated me so much, he loved my cooking and appreciated everything about me, he was the one that asked me to come to his house and move my things there and stay there with him, so the reason why I was with him and all the time and did all those things is cause he wanted me and appreciated me so much, we were so good together and he never said anything. And he said that the ex also said we had some arguments, and I looked at him with a big laugh on my face and said.. give me a break, that's such a lame excuse, we had like three or four arguments in a matter of 7 months! So I think we had a very normal relationship and things were perfect. And I even told his friend, that these are all excuses. I didn't say anything bad about him (my ex) cause after all that is his friend and we were together so any disrespect to him would be a disrespect to me. So then he went on telling me, "all his relationships end up the same way"!! That surprised me to the max, cause he told me that his last serious girlfriend, left him and she broke it off! He said that his parents were against the whole thing cause of culture differences and his mom spoke to the girl and that's why she left him, but then again, he told me she went to see him at his house after a while, like some months or so, but he was not there. But anyway, so the friend told me, he does sis the same thing and he's complicated and he needs someone that will treat him like and tell him to back off!! And he's not going to get that cause he's Not that type of guy himself! And he also told me that I should try to push myself to him and try to work it out. And I said no way, it's called girl pride... and in my mind I was thinking how much I tried, expressed how much I love him and how much I don't want to lose him and as selfish as he is he made the decision on his own and broke my heart, (but I didn't tell the friend this part)
And you know what... while we were together, he told me once that he's a type of guy who loves attention from his girlfriend and that he's not the type of guy that likes it if the girl treats him like , and he said there are guys who are like that but he doesn't like relationships where things are like that. At our an amazingly talented girl and that you are just amazing and he told me to give my number to his girlfriend so I did and she was also telling me not to worry and I acted very fine and strong although it was hurting me but I didn't let them see that. But it come to show me what pathetic excuses he said to this guy and I'm happy that Everyone knows me and they know what kind of person I am. I mean come on, when you've talked about marriage we are in a serious relationship, of course you're going to do things for your man, and he did things for me just as much and he Loved it at the time and appreciated it more and more. So honestly I think those are just excuses, lame excuses, when you want to have a justification for what you did. Please let me know what you think, because now I keep telling myself, and asking myself did I do something wrong? What happened with us?.
This is how the confusion creeps in ,when you get gossip from someone(who wasn't even sober) and you start analysing again.
My advice is stay away from this kind of situation simply by telling the person politely that you re not talking about your ex and then leave.
yes, you are right. But you know how our minds work! Especially when someone broke up with you and you have no idea what happened and went wrong, I keep on questioning myself, why, what if, what did I do,. and that drives me crazy...
I am so upset that he has made this stupid explanation and justification for himself that "we had arguments"!! I mean come on, who doesn't have arguments in their relationship! And plus, there was like 4 arguments in a matter of 7 months over stupid things, so why would he say that? Is that really the reason why he broke up with me or is it really because he didn't know how to handle the situation and got cold feet, got scared, I was too much for him to handle, or maybe like his friend even said, he does this all the time! Do you think that he's using that as an excuse and over analyzing everything like he always does, as he says himself, he analyzes everything, that's his character. I was thinking about sending him an e-mail saying stop going around telling people that we had arguments, I thought you would have at least handled the situation was more maturely then lying this way, grow up! Do you think I should say something via e-mail. It's been two weeks since the break up and I have had NO contact with him at all. I didn't even ask him for some of my things which I forgot at his place, I just left them. Also, do you think it would be a good idea if I speak to one of his very close girl friends, she's a sweetheart and she really likes me and at the beginning when we broke up, she said that if she was ever in town, she'd like to meet up even if it's without him. Nothing about him though, just to see each other, I didn't at all talk about the break up to her. I just said we broke up and she said she knew, he had told her.
I'd appreciate it if you could give me some advice, cause I'm driving myself crazy with these random thoughts and questions...
Don't dignify their gossip by any kind of response. Ignore that information as best as you can. Keep moving forward and leave him where he belongs-in the past.
I want to, and I'm trying to... but I feel like writing him and e-mail and telling him something, something like stop making excuses and telling people we had arguments, don't try to put flaws on our relationship because of what you did to break us, don't use a lame excuse such as the one that you are using.
I mean I don't know what he is exactly telling people but when his friend told me this it made me upset.
So do you suggest me e-mailing him would be a good idea at all or should I leave things and not care what he says? I mean I am so sure that people will make their own judgment cause they have all met me and know me, so I don't think they are that naïve to listen to what he says, especially since they have seen how we were together. But then a part of me wants to give him a piece of my mind... please let me know what you think, thank you, your advise means a lot and is greatly helpful
I think you leave him, and his opinion alone. It's that simple, because this thing is dead, and over, and you have no control over what he says, or why.
Don't let this situation push your buttons, and push you into any impulsive situations, rise above it, and move forward. If no one had given you that he said crap, you wouldn't even be upset. That's juvenile to say the least.
No Contact even to chew him out. Especially not to chew him out. It won't help and it is only an excuse that your emotions are making to open the door for contact again. Tell them "no" and go about your life.
On rumors, don't let them get to you, because he is probably hearing the same type of thing. It is the nature of the Rumormongers to spread inaccurate stories especially when drunk.
As for the friend, I don't think that meeting up with her is a good idea right now. Whether either of you mean to or not, it would be putting her in a difficult position of trying to keep separate friendships going with you and him. I would also wait until I was certain that I wanted to get to know her because she would be a good friend instead of the possibility of getting information on the ex, even in passing.
I was going to say that 2Quote:
Originally Posted by azif
It's been more than a month since we broke up, actually since the day he asked for his "space" and after that he broke up with me... I am still sad and I think about it every minute of the day and it drives me so sad and it's actually starting to make me anxious all the time. I think about what's he's doing, where he is, if he's thinking about me, if he still loves me... I keep questioning myself about "what if I did things differently, what if I reacted differently... I don't want to have these thoughts anymore, I want to let go, I want to STOP thinking about him, but yet something keeps popping in my head. I keep thinking about how great we were together, how much we had fun together and how much he said he loved me at some point... why can't I stop, I really want to. I even ask people what he is doing on his networking sites, which even makes me more upset at myself. I need your advise, please give me ways which I can forget about him, I know I have to keep busy, but I need actually methods which can help this through...
Do you think he still thinks about me, doe she miss me?.
The feelings you are going through now are normal. It is painful but it will pass with time. Trying to keep track of him is not a good idea because when you do that you focus on the past not your own future. Don't blame yourself because it didn't work out-and even though you keep busy you also need to keep your mind busy and not dwell on your memories. Read,watch films talk to friends about things that make you happy. Time is on your side you just have to be patient with yourself.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:46 PM. |