Yeah, it's another one of those posts :)

My girlfriend broke up with me a few hours ago (I kind of saw it coming though). She said she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. We had a long talk, and talked about the possibility of staying friends, perhaps after a small break.

Do you guys think it's a bad idea to keep seeing her? I really love her, and I'm afraid that maybe I just want the chance to keep seeing her (for the wrong reasons), although I don't think we'll get together again. At the same time, we get along pretty good, and it's very tempting, I don't know. I'll at least have to meet her again just to talk. Right now I don't know how I'm even going to be able to sleep, much less to any school work (got a thesis deadline coming up).

So what do you think? Any answers much appreciated.

Sorry to hear of your breakup.

Seeing her right now or attempting to stay friends is a really bad idea because you won't be able to move on and it will just fill you with false hope of trying to get back together.

Best thing to do at the moment is go complete No Contact so you can start your healing process , it's not easy but something you need to do for your own good.

Others will be along to give you more advice , and read the stickies at the top of the forum to give you some ideas on how to get through this.

Good Luck!

Sounds like you handled it very well - you should be pleased with yourself! You're in a very good position to begin moving on. Looks like you've passed the denial stage already also which will give you a head-start.

Coming to these forums may have saved you from going through a lot of unnecessary pain. The only thing you can do at the moment is cut all contact with her. That means no MSN, emails, phonecalls, nothing! Oh and if you have her on Facebook delete her ASAP! I've lost count of the number of people who come on here posting about Facebook and breakups.

You see, any kind of contact you have with her will only push her away further, and more importantly it will keep you feeling how you are right now. You won't be able to heal. I'm sure you don't want that. No one would. Don't believe me? Have a read around here, I'm sure it won't take long to convince you :p

You say you'll "need" to meet her again just to talk - I know exactly how you feel. This is especially bad during the early stages. All you want to do is hear her voice, and you feel you have nothing to lose so may as well give it a shot. Do not give in! The first few days are by far the worst. If you can go the rest of the week without contacting her, you'll be well on your way to recovery and feeling great again. You've done great so far, don't screw it up now! I'll say again - no contact is the only way out. No-contact means no-contact. No exceptions. Do not reply to any kind of message, answer the phone, nothing. Your judgement is going to be extremely clouded at the moment, if she tries to communicate with you it does not mean she wants to get back with you. She is just easing her own guilt. Do not reply! You'll feel like an idiot afterwards.

Hope this was of some help, and good luck to you.

Thanks for your reply friend :)

I've been reading around the forum a bit as well. You're probably right, I should probably just try to stay away. The ironic thing is that back in the beginning, I figured that "there's no way this will last" (she's several years younger than me), but I guess I've been shoving that feeling to the back of my head as I've gotten more involved.

Staying friends is might as you say be a bad idea, but I kind of want to meet her again just to talk a little about us, would that be bad? I'm just hurting right now, I need at least a little more closure.

Sorry if I'm rambling on, and thanks for the reply. I appreciate your support.

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Originally Posted by qerp32

You say you'll "need" to meet her again just to talk - I know exactly how you feel. This is especially bad during the early stages. All you want to do is hear her voice, and you feel you have nothing to lose so may as well give it a shot.

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I wrote my last post before reading your reply, I guess you're right :P All I want to do at the moment is hold her, talk to her, hug her...

Thanks a lot for you support guys, I really, really appreciate it.

People don't break up with each other for no reason - I think you've had all the closure you need. Talking with her won't do anything but hurt you more. Trust me, been there, done that. If she really has completely screwed up (highly doubtful), let her be the one to ask for you back.

Walk away now, you'll look back and be proud that you did.

Edit: Glad to be of some help. :p

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Originally Posted by Something_Here

Staying friends is might as you say be a bad idea, but I kind of want to meet her again just to talk a little about us, would that be bad? I'm just hurting right now, I need at least a little more closure.

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The thing is what do you need to discuss? Are you wanting to meet up with her to maybe see if she'll change her mind or to see if you can talk her out of it? This is where you need to be honest with yourself because right now your mind is in emotional turmoil and sometimes we try to trick ourselves into thinking something can be done to ease the pain.

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Sorry if I'm rambling on, and thanks for the reply. I appreciate your support

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Ramble away my friend , we're all here to help if we can and get you through this as best as we can.

Any break up is tough. It takes time to heal. Being friends right now is a bad idea because you still want to give this relationship another chance. So the more you keep in touch, the more false hope you'll have. That would just add to the confusion. It will lead you to over-analyze all her actions and the worst part is, you will have a very difficult time moving on.

Avoid contacting her so that you can heal from this break up. Once you've recovered, then you can view the situation is a more objective perspective and go from there.

I've talked to a couple of friends, and they'll definitely hear more about it, but you guys on this forum have probably helped me more than anything.

I really wanted to call her earlier today, and I had to go to the restroom at school just to cry, I even woke up at 5:30 this morning and immediately started wailing. Having trouble eating as well, just feel sick. I feel like I'm in a song by Enrique Iglesias or something...

I spoke with a (girl)friend of mine earlier today about relationships and stuff, and she gave me some perspective, but she also talked about how the "spark" will always disappear after a while and how you have to work on love etc. That just gave me hope and made me think what if, so that kind of made it worse.

Reading around the forum helps, because I feel so at home in what you guys say, I would want nothing more right now than to hold her.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. But you got to believe that staying away from her would be in your best interest. Any contact or communication with her will only add to the confusion and prolong your pain and suffering.

You made a great first step by not calling her. You just need to keep it up. It's possible the pain could get worse before it starts getting better. Just be patient with yourself. With time, it will get easier.

However, I do caution that you not pick up if she contacts you. You might even want to consider changing your number.

Here are the no contact rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

If you ever feel the urge to contact her, fight it:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

Good luck!

You're doing well, and as Iwish said, it will get better. You will still have moments of weakness for weeks to come - don't let them get you down too much. We've all been through it. Find someone to talk to or read these forums whenever you're feeling like contacting her.

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she also talked about how the "spark" will always disappear after a while and how you have to work on love etc

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I had the same thought when my ex broke up with me. She gave me the whole "spark gone" thing too. These are young women we're talking about, they still have their whole lives ahead of them. If she really did like you that much then I'm sure she'd want to work it out with you, but the fact is she doesn't, else she wouldn't have broken up with you.

Hang in there!

It's chaos in my head right now. I've spoken with a couple of more friends, and I'm a little messed up.

I just spent a couple of hours at a friends place. He had a difficult break a little under two years ago, so he was able to relate pretty well to my situation. A lot off the stuff he said was the same that you guys have been saying, that I should avoid contact, it would be really hard meeting her again, delete Facebook etc.

He said something that made a lot of sense to me at least, and I'm curious what you guys think. My girlfriend (can't quite bring myself to saying ex) is 17 years old, and he talked about how that can be a time when a lot of people are unsure what they want, and that she might also have been afraid to commit to strongly to a relationship (perhaps subconsciously). Perhaps she wants to live life so to speak, and not be tied up in a relationship, and the fact that I'm in a different life situation than both her and all her friends that she talks to everyday may have made it harder for her.

After I got back, I spoke with another friend of mine on the phone for a while and filled him in on the situation. He wondered if I had tried to fight for her, which of course made me wonder if I should, although I pretty much know what you guys are going to say about that. We talked about it for a while, and after I tried to convince him (and myself) that it would be a stupid idea, he kind of reneged, saying it should be preventive in stead of putting out fires.

Then he said something that again made sense, but kind of hurt. In his opinion, you have to be careful about how you interact with your girlfriend (me:"what about trust? You should be able to be yourself":P) and show her the side of you that she originally fell for, and let her see you in a social setting where you interact with my friends. This is one area where I failed. We usually hung out just the two of us, and we haven't been seeing a lot of the other persons friends, at least not lately. In his words: there are buttons that are really easy to push, but you have to push them regularly. Of course, both the "keeping your game up even into the relationship" and "fighting for to keep her" made me think what if. He also recommended that I delete her from Facebook though.

He figured she might have had a certain impression of me in the beginning that may have turned out not to be who I was. This was pretty much in line with what a woman friend of mine said (the same one who said the spark will always disappear). She claimed that a woman will usually go into a relationship with a certain expectations, and that she may eventually have found that reality was not what she expected.

Anyway, after I just had to check on her Facebook earlier today, I realized that both you and them are - of course - right, and I've now unfriended her on Facebook and deleted her Phone no. Although to be honest, I saved a ton of pictures from her profile to my hard drive first, and if she calls, I will most likely pick up. But it's a start.

Sorry about the long post, but I just have to get my thoughts down to structure them a bit.

It's quite normal to try to anylize everything in your head at this point , the problem is when your so early into the break up your not thinking rationally as there is still all the emotional dust flying around in your head with all the ifs and buts.

Bottom line is she knows how you feel about her and realises she could have you back in the blink of an eye if she really wants to.

So leave her alone to work out her issues and don't pester her because if anything that'll just push her away further. If you don't contact her she may just realise she misses you and come back. If not then it's just not meant to be.

Thanks for a clear and concise answer! :)

I'm not entirely sure that it would work out if we tried again, I'm worried that this would be a dark cloud hanging over us, and I would be afraid of losing her again, making cramped attempts at avoiding it.

But say she does want to get back together, how should I go about it then? And just to be clear, you still don't want me to pick up the phone if she calls right? So if she wants to get back together, she would have to come to my apartment or something then, right?

You don't pick up correct , and if and when she wants to come back , you cross that bridge if you come to it.

The point being by you thinking she may or may not etc. your not letting go , so what happens is you get stuck in this limbo stage and any little sign you get your brain sees it as a positive instead of what it really is.

We call this False hope , and it's one of the devils of the healing process.

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Originally Posted by Something_Here

I really love her, and I'm afraid that maybe I just want the chance to keep seing her (for the wrong reasons), although I don't think we'll get together again.

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You already know she will not be with you anymore. If you still keep the false hope, try to see, you will need to pretend you do not feel any pain. It will toorture you more.
The best way is NC, and move on. I am sorry for your hurt... I really do.

Who would have thought that the measure of a good day is one that doesn't start with crying... :p

It's been a week, and there's been some improvement. I've started working out again, and seeing how much the endorphins high helps, I'm going to become Hulk Hogan by christmas.. :)

I still miss her, still feel lonely at times, but not quite as bad. Just hope she doesn't try to contact me and that I'll be able to keep up NC. Met her step dad today to give him some stuff of hers, that was enough to set me back a little, so running into her would be a category five event.

Sorry for your pain. But one day, not yet, you will look back on this and say "Wow, she REALLY wasn't THE one".

You'll be happy one day, you'll see. With time, you'll be fine.

Love gives us our highest highs, or lowest lows.

Good luck to you.

That's why No Contact is such an essential weapon in breakups , you said yourself how you had a little setback just by seeing her step Dad and giving back some of her stuff.

If you ever get the urge to contact her just remember that and think how many further steps you'd go back , your doing good , hang in there!!

Thanks guys!

"Love gives us our highest highs, or lowest lows." I like that, I'll keep that in mind. :)

I think you are doing a great job at handling this breakup. So sorry that you are going through it but it is something we all have to face in life.
I would suggest you delete her contact info from your phone, if you need to keep it then store it away somewhere. You need to do the no contact rule for your best interest. Leave herh alone. She is the one who broke it off, if she misses you she will contact you. In the meantime don't respond to her contacts or else you will over analyze and misinterpret things and you are back in square one again.
Keep up the good work. I wish I found this forum a few months ago. People here are really nice.

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Originally Posted by 123skyscraper

i would suggest you delete her contact info from your phone, (...) leave herh alone. she is the one who broke it off, if she misses you she will contact you. in the meantime dont respond to her contacts or else you will over analyze and misinterpret things and you are back in square one again.

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I deleted her number, now all I need to do is put information out of business... :p

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Originally Posted by 123skyscraper

keep up the good work. i wish i found this forum a few months ago. people here are really nice.

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That's true, I've gotten a lot of support, it's helped me a great deal. I usually come here and read the posts if I'm feeling down.

I think I saw my ex drive past me on the bus today. I'm not even a 100% sure it was her, but it sure looked like it. Think she saw me too. And now I was just crying while looking at pictures of her. Damn it...

I regularly have to will myself not to look at her Twitter account. I wish it would be either or. Either get back together and it's all sunshine - I realize intellectually that it's just a fantasy, I'm just working to come to terms with it emotionally as well. Or, get over her and be done with it.

I've started writing a journal, and it's filling up quite fast. It helps to get stuff down on paper (well, notepad). Hmm, I feel better now :)

A Journal is a good thing , particularly when you look back on it in a few weeks time and actually see the progress you've made.

Another good idea is to write a list of the Good and Bad about her and the relationship (and be honest) You'll be surprised how many items are in the Bad column that your not really thinking about at the moment because you have her on a pedestal.

I had a nightmare about my ex this morning. In a nutshell, it was a nightmare because she didn't want to be with me anymore, so of course waking up didn't exactly help either... It was kind of weird, because we talked on the phone, and it was so nice to hear her voice, even if it was just in a dream. I feel like I've backtracked just because I may have caught a glimpse of her yesterday.

Friend4U: thanks for the tip, I'm going to get started on that list as soon as possible.

Good luck with that list-it s a great idea-it helps a lot!

Went to a party yesterday, and I actually had a good time :)

This morning however, was a new kind of low. Maybe I'm just beginning to realize that she's no longer a part of my life, and I don't like the parts that are left. Although I'm getting a lot of support, I feel really lonely at times, and I really wanted to see her. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing to look forward to when I can't be with her.

You re having a dip that's what it is.
Some days can be like that until time and real healing kicks in.
Be patient with yourself.

You will get use to being alone after so much time with someone. There is a big difference between alone, and lonely.

I just read this article:
What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
I seems like me and my ex made it to the end of the "Romantic Relating" stage, and then it ended. What do you guys think, do you think there's anything to this article, or is it just bull?

Interesting read.

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Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:

* lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage.
* issues with commitment and fidelity.
* immature beliefs about what relationships should be.
* being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love.

If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other. This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other.

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Sounds like my ex all right. I think all 4 of those bullet points hit the hail on the head... no wonder we broke up!

Think the article says what everyone has been saying in most of the posts here, and its extremely logical, and insightful.. Especially this part.

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As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking. This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous of the same kind of relationship that you are.

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I got from this that you let go and get ready for the future. (heal, and move on. I know that sounds familiar.

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Originally Posted by Something_Here

I think I saw my ex drive past me on the bus today. I'm not even a 100% sure it was her, but it sure looked like it. Think she saw me too. And now I was just crying while looking at pictures of her. Damn it...

I regularly have to will myself not to look at her Twitter account. I wish it would be either or. Either get back together and it's all sunshine - I realize intellectually that it's just a fantasy, I'm just working to come to terms with it emotionally as well. Or, get over her and be done with it.

I've started writing a journal, and it's filling up quite fast. It helps to get stuff down on paper (well, notepad). Hmm, I feel better now :)

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Ignore her if you see her. At most say hi and tell her you are headed somewhere and cannot talk. If it was her, she was just looking for attention.
Do not look at any of her accounts, delete and block them. No pictures, no updates. No nothing. Make that determination to move on. You need to be happy with yourself. She is not your source of happiness! No one should be your life.
Ignore dreams. They don't mean anything.
Keep up the writing in the journal. It can do wonders in the healing process and lets you share your thoughts. When you feel down/frustrated, write your emotions out. You will feel much better afterwards.
Start on that list of pros/cons about her. I am sure the cons will outweigh the pros. When you finish, you will realize she is not the angel she really is. Be very honest and list even the smallest things about her that annoy you!

I feel like that article pretty much nailed it. Our relationship reached the end of the initial phase, and the "reality" of the situation set in. Due to a lot of factors, she did not want to continue seeing me.

I've started on the list by the way, and I'm writing in my journal everyday - a page and a half just today. Those were some great tips, it helps a lot just to vent there.

I feel really anxious and restless sometimes, is that normal? I'll be sitting around, like now, and then it hits me. It's a really uncomfortable feeling, thinking about her and what I lost.

That's when you stop sitting around and look for positive tasks to accomplish. Its normal to have those feelings we all do. But you need a plan for how to deal with them. Working on something is highly effective. Planning tasks ahead is even better.

It's gotten harder, I miss her more than ever. I think about her all the time, although I try to do stuff. I try to remind myself that it will just become worse if I talk to her, and I've (re)read several threads on the forum, but it's still hard. Yesterday I spoke with a friend of mine who said it took him a year and a half to get over his first love. That's a scary notion.

Spoke with my mother earlier, and she said something in passing; since my ex is so young, it probably won't take long before she's with someone else. I hope not, I wouldn't be able to stand that. I wonder if she's thinking about me, or if she's moved on...

The sooner you let it go, the sooner you will see the other options and opportunities that are in front of you, and will be healthy enough to pursue them.

Sometimes its harder than others to forget the past, but it will get better, so don't let a bad day make you think you won't have good ones, as well.

Thanks. I recognize my own emotions in a lot of the stuff that's written here, which helps (and so does your support, thanks!). I do feel regret, that some stuff could have been done differently, all of that stuff, and it's hard to get used to the idea that this girl is gone. But I'm sure it will get better.

It will get better and you just have to REALLY believe that , once you do it makes the whole process a lot quicker.