I had dated a girl for 3 years and was very much in love with her. We broke up 2-3 months ago and I struggled with the breakup for a long time (dumpee). She gave me zero closure, "I'm confused," "I still see you in my future," "Whatever happens I still love you." Well the first month or two I went through the stages of trying to get her back. It only hurt the healing process. Now 3 months later I feel a lot better, only contacted her once (a month ago). She contacted me on my birthday 2 weeks ago and even had a friend there who's only job was to keep me from sleeping with these 2 girls she knew I had liked.

The only thing left that makes me think about her is MySpace. We are still friends on there (I defriended initially but after a week thought it was childish). Now that is the only way I know what she is doing. I have a hard time not looking at her profile every couple of days, and she is a picture whore. She doesn't have a new boyfriend, but she puts up pictures every weekend and acts very 'sexual' with her guy and girlfriends on her wall and picture comments. I know it's her one way of 'talking' to me and it's driving me crazy. Is it too late to defriend from MySpace. Is this showing her I still care, I am only worried about myself and this has been a major crutch, but after 3 months I haven't showed her any contact or sympathy and feel this could be a step back.

It is not too late to defriend/block her on MySpace.

You are continuing to hurt your healing process and cyber stalking only brings you heartbreak.

Discontinue the connection immediately.

Defriend her on myspace. Block her if you have to. It wasn't childish of you to delete her, it was necessary. Sometimes we don't get closure, and that makes it hard but what makes it easier is hanging out with friends, doing the things you like to do, taking up new hobbies and not looking at her myspace pictures. Hang in there. It will get better.

Defriending her isn't childish. It's called, "helping you heal". You've suffered a heartbreak. So you need to take the necessary steps to heal. If she really cared about you before, she would understand.

Every time you view her page or communicate with her, you're going to reset the progress you've made because you're going to continue to hold false hope. You need to block her out of your life until you've completely recovered from the break up.

Otherwise, you're just going to prolong the pain and suffering.

Finally, you don't need closure from her. Closure comes from within. You decide when to close the book on her.

It should not bother you what she thinks,in this instance you have to look out for number one!

Block her,and make yourself a nice cup of coffee and thank your lucky stars she's out of your life!

She just posted pictures yesterday of a 'new' boy (possibly the first since we broke up) and she also posted a lot of comments with her girlfriends discussing their 'fun' weekend. Does this change anything, should I wait a week or so to defriend so she doesn't think these pictures hurt me?

Also, she has 3 friends she always hangs out with, all of which I am friends with on Myspace. Only one of them would I consider a friend of mine also (although she is her best friend). I feel as though if I defriend her I need to defriend all of them, there pictures still show up and I will still look at their pages. I feel like I already know the answer to this but should I defriend all of them?

How important is Myspace to you? Why don't you stop logging onto your account until you've recovered from the break up. Then you don't have to defriend anybody and you can heal. Win-Win!

If you can't discipline yourself from stopping yourself from logging on, then you're just going to have to delete her and her friends so that you don't accidentally see her pictures and reset your progress. Unless you want to keep suffering, which I don't recommend.

No, don't wait. Just do it now. If she does change, it's not going to be over night. There's no sense in waiting around anyway. Who's to say how long you'll end up waiting and what chances you'll miss out on if you do?

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Originally Posted by I wish

How important is Myspace to you? Why don't you stop logging onto your account until you've recovered from the break up. Then you don't have to defriend anybody and you can heal. Win-Win!

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It's not important to me, but it's a crutch I can't shake. I can go a couple of days without checking but I know it's still there and every once in a while I have to check it. I feel as though the power in the relationship took a turn a week or so ago. I have seen a lot of signs recently that she is still really hurting from the break up. I haven't given her any attention and although I feel like this could help me, I feel like showing her it's hurting me helps her. I should care more about myself but deep down it's been easier knowing she is hurting too. Just don't know if defriending now, after these pictures just went up, will show her that I am still weak and hurting.

Delete her as a friend, it's not weak to show weakness. You are going to hurt, no one will think less of you, but defriending her will show all of us, and especially you that you are strong enough to say "ENOUGH" and grab your set and take life into your own hands

This isn't a game man. You do what you need to do to move on regardless of what others may think, especially your ex. It is just pure logic that you shouldn't be looking, nor should you want to look at what your ex is doing. You cannot keep sanity by doing so.

I defriended my ex from FB a long time ago and to be honest I don't see a point of re-friending her. It has nothing to do with being childish. If you can give me ONE logical, and I mean LOGICAL reason to keep her (meaning your ex) as a friend, I am all ears.

I think deleting her shows your strength. That you are strong enough to take charge of the situation and move on with your own life absent of her presence.

I would even consider defriending all those connected to her.

Personal experience, I have an ex from four years ago that I found myself cyber stalking following his wedding. There are not any feelings of reconciliation there, just pure curiosity. It doesn't get better and everyone is susceptible to these feelings, no matter what the situation is. It will not help you in the long run.

It takes more to delete her than it does to continue to check up on her. Deleting her now, will let her know that you do not have an interest in her life and by deleting her friends all at the same time, then it just shows some emotional housekeeping.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I defriended my ex from FB a long time ago and to be honest I don't see a point of re-friending her. It has nothing to do with being childish. If you can give me ONE logical, and I mean LOGICAL reason to keep her (meaning your ex) as a friend, I am all ears.

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I've got nothing. Other than the fact that I still am worried about how it affects our future. I am not over her yet. Defriended.

So any advice on what to say to her friend when she asks why I defriended her?

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Originally Posted by Coffee Pot

So any advice on what to say to her friend when she asks why I defriended her?

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Tell her to mind her own business, or something along those lines. You owe no explanation to anyone, period.

Well you have two options

1. Don't respond, you really don't owe her an explanation

2. "This is my way of healing, if this bothers you I am sorry but I must do this for myself"

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Tell her to mind her own business, or something along those lines. You owe no explanation to anyone, period.

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This was in response to her friend asking me why she (the friend) was defriended. She will probably be looking for an answer to give the ex but she will come to me asking why me and her (the friend) aren't 'friends' anymore.

Will follow the just need time to heal line and tell her friends on a website do not mean friends in real life.

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Originally Posted by Coffee Pot

Other than the fact that I still am worried about how it affects our future.

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You do not have a future with her, that is what makes her your ex and the fact that you have this thought in your mind means that this has to be done. You may not be contacting, but you are not healing and you aren't refocused on who is important for you.

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Originally Posted by Coffee Pot

This was in response to her friend asking me why she (the friend) was defriended. She will probably be looking for an answer to give the ex but she will come to me asking why me and her (the friend) aren't 'friends' anymore.

Will follow the just need time to heal line and tell her friends on a website do not mean friends in real life.

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Unless they get a notification (which I doubt) you are giving them a lot of credit that they will notice.

I don't keep tabs on my social networking 'friends', if they were to defriend me, I doubt I would even be aware.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

it should not bother you what she thinks,in this instance you have to look out for number one!

block her,and make yourself a nice cup of coffee and thank your lucky stars she's out of your life!

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This hits the nail on the head. Who cares what she thinks. If seeing her on Myspace bothers you then get off Myspace or defriend her. What are you thinking that, "I know it's her one way of 'talking' to me and it's driving me crazy."?! Are you freak'n nuts? So what do these Myspace sexual photos say..? Are you the Myspace Whisperer?

REALITY CHECK

Dude... she dumped you. That spoke volumes in itself and was all you needed to hear. Man up and walk away with your dignity and pride intact. To me it sounds like you're living delusions, disbelief, and jealously.

Sorry bro.

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Originally Posted by Coffee Pot

even had a friend there whos only job was to keep me from sleeping with these 2 girls she knew I had liked.

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While I think you shouldn't rush into another relationship, this one line speaks volumes in how she thinks about you. If that is her mind-set, you don't want to care what other thoughts she has. She doesn't care about your's unless they are for her.

She doesn't want a relationship with you. She wants someone to play games with. If you got back together with her, I would give it less than a week before she broke up with you again and started the cycle all over. Blaming you the entire time and getting her friend to make sure you didn't go anywhere until she was ready to take you back again.

The MySpace is just another way to play games with you.

Defriend her and her friends who are only part of the team. Delete your links to MySpace so that it makes it harder to check your MySpace page. For that matter get rid of that page and start a new one that has absolutely no memories of her attached to it.

Well this past weekend was the first time she put up a pic of what looked like she was kissing another guy. It hurt... a lot. Still did yesterday, still kind of feel it today.

But yesterday I finally dropped her on myspace along with 3 of her friends and I'm not looking back. I had still known everything she did, every weekend, and basically every week. I knew where she was and what she was doing. It made me feel better to see her just having fun with her friends but not being with a guy. I guess in due time this would happen, and it hurt. So now I am free.

I feel a little weird today but in a few weeks I'm sure this will get easier as we were in a long distance relationship and the chances of me running into her are basically impossible. It's been a long 3 months but I feel as though I have made a lot of progress but this was my crutch. Thank you all for helping me do this, as now I believe I will finally make that final step to move on.

Good job Coffee Pot!

I know that it wasn't easy to defriend her and 3 other people, but it had to be done for yourself. Just to warn you, the pain can get a little worse before it starts getting better. When it starts getting worse, that's when you might get tempted to re-add her. So that's when you have to put some restraint. Come on the boards and talk to us if you have to. But don't give in to the urges.

Just focus on doing your own thing. Stay busy. See your friends, meet new friends. Do a hobby, play a sport, etc.

Just remember, these things take time. I know you've broken up for a few months now, but your healing process only really starts now because you finally decided to let her go. So just be patient with yourself. With time, things will get better and you will be back to your old self!

Congrats, this was a good first - final step to recovering.

I am glad you took that step. I think you will feel better once you get out of the habit of checking her MySpace page. :)

It was like picking at a hurt. It couldn't even begin to heal until you stopped opening it up again.

Well I guess I learned my lesson the hard way because I still can't seem to get these pictures out of my head. At least this happened now rather than 2-3 months from now while still following her life. I should have never refriended her to begin with. I thought it was the strong thing to do to show I didn't care. I have thought about how my actions will affect her for too long in this whole process. It's about time I think about me.

The roller coaster had been riding high for a while, this has been one of the lowest points since the panic of the break up has worn off. Hopefully this bump smooths out quicker than the others.

Coffee I have made more mistakes than I care to remember when it comes to my ex. Shake it off. It does suck to look at but it happened. Weather the storm and I promise it will get better.

Just learn from your mistakes, and do it much faster than I did.

Really feeling the need to call her today. Need advice to step off the ledge. I don't even know what I would say, just feel really hurt and need to get it all off my chest. She was thinking about me and texting me on my birthday and I ignored her messages, so this weekend is the first weekend she posts a blurry pic of her and some one else kissing. I completely believe it was to get back at me because for the most part she has shown some compassion about making me feel bad. Just really hurting today and want to thrash out.

Do you work out or exercise at all? You can also feel free to vent on here. Let it out man! No shame.

Yeah I exercise 3 days a week, today is an off day. Off days are always harder. I should probably start looking into working out all 5 days.

It's just that we have been apart 3 months. When we ended she gave me all the crap of being confused and not sure where we are going. It took me a while to realize she was just not into me anymore and she was taking the easy way out. A month into the breakup I thought she was dating someone already and it really hurt. I had a close friend of both of us (much more my friend) snoop around and found out that this guy she looked like she was dating was actually a new gay friend of hers. She told him she hadn't hooked up with anyone since me and that's not why she broke up with me.

So fast forward to a month later (late September) and I have been following her pretty religiously on myspace and I know most/all of her friends. It's still been two months and she hasn't had one hookup. So there she is hanging all over her ex boyfriend who seems taken back by the whole thing. He had told her 2 years ago (1 year and 1/2 into our relationship) that he still loved her. She had strung him along for 3 years until she met me. So now she is hanging all over him and he looks a little distraught and the last picture is her completely wasted passed out in his bed with a trash can. So now I realize she is getting depserate and throwing herself at her ex.

So fast forward to a week ago. We have a small college get together and it also happens to fall on my birthday. She is supposed to go but ends up having to work the next day and can't. All of our old college friends are there including a girl that has always liked me and the ex basically hated (even though they were friends. Also, the exes best friend. The exes best friend is texting the ex the entire night about what is going on who I am with, who I am talking to and basically it's her job to keep me from sleeping with this girl. The ex sends a text saying 'she really wishes she could have been there, and sorry she couldn't make it.' I ignore and low and behold two days later I hear the ex is extremely pissed at this other girl (the man stealer). So now it's a week after and the ex decides to go out with her friends and she is all over another kid that she had slept with before me. There's one pic of them which looks like they are kissing and a whole bunch of comments from her and her friends about handjobs/sex/you name it.

So fast forward to today. I have finally decided to drop her from myspace. But as I said before, my ex is still doing things to get at me. It just hurts that she would post all this stuff knowing I will read it. Just because she was hurt that I didn't return her call, even though I never even kissed this other girl.

So that's my vent. Phew. Rip me apart askmehelpdesk. It helps.

That actually made me feel a whole lot better and now that I have gone back and read what I just wrote, I kind of feel pathetic. I am taking everything she says and does as a sign to me. Maybe some of it is, maybe all of it is, maybe none of it is. But this one hurt and I need to just get off myspace and live my life.

You are giving way too much credit to her and aren't taking enough responsibility for yourself. These social networking sites are absolute drama that YOU have control over. I am glad you feel better by venting, but quit giving her control over your emotions. Man up CP, and let's get our head back into the game!

Dropped her, dropped her friends, dropped her family. There is literally no one that she 'regularly' talks to that I am friends with.

I have known what she was doing ever single freaking weekend. The weekends that she was doing nothing were good weekends. The weekends where she was going out were bad weekends. Time to make every weekend a good weekend.

Now to just get this past weekend out of my mind.

Sorry if this is babbling but I feel like I have exhausted my friends ears for the past 3 months and you guys aren't sick of me yet...

Well today is better than yesterday and is better than the day before, but I feel like I am back to square one all over again. I was using MySpace as a way to communicate with her, even though we weren't talking. Now that it is gone it really feels like we have broken up all over again. No idea why but the pain is back and to ease the pain I would use her profile to feel like she is still there.

Well her profile is gone now and I am just starting to realize how bad MySpace was to my healing process. This whole time I felt like I was healing but I hadn't fully given her up. It's like I had a picture of her in my pocket that I could open up and look at every time I was down.

These past couple of days have been rough but from here on out hopefully every day is easier and there aren't as many major setbacks in the future. It sure isn't easy just giving up on a person you really really loved.

Don't consider it giving up, that has a negative connotation. I never considered myself "giving up" after my ex broke up with me. It is just something in life that happens. More than giving up, it is accepting things have changed.

I remember when I changed my phone number so my ex had zero chance of contacting me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, as I knew it was the real deal now, like no turning back.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I remember when I changed my phone number so my ex had zero chance of contacting me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, as I knew it was the real deal now, like no turning back.

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This is exactly how I feel. She has contacted me 3 times since the breakup and other than a happy birthday text they were all over MySpace. She has her MySpace blocked from the world so even if I wanted to find her and 'refriend' I can't (which is a good thing). But this just feels like exactly how you described it, the real deal. Thankfully I am going on vacation tomorrow. Hopefully when I come back I will feel a hell of a lot better.

So after getting back from vacation there is of course a small amount of drama and I don't want to deal with it. I need the advice of the professionals here.

Basically our mutual friend (her best friend) contacted me and wondered why I had defriended her. I told her jokingly not to worry about it just a phase. She started questioning me on all these things. Do I still love her? Do I hate her? Am I really hurting. So basically I told her not too worry about it I am fine.

So the ex sends me a message a couple of hours later. Asking why I defriended her again. And then goes on to say she wanted to know about my trip and how my family is doing.

So I see two solutions here.
1. Ignore. Probably get pestered again, probably by the friend and then the ex again and then tell her to stop contacting me.
2. Explain to her how I am feeling and that I basically need to remove her from everything that I am in contact with and to not contact me again until I contact her (basically months from now).

If I go 1 I think I will just receive more messages. If I go 2 I don't really know how to explain other than telling her I still care about her (does that even matter if she knows).

The only other solution is just telling her to not contact me but that would just lead to confusion because she has only contacted me once in the past month or 2.

What should I do?

Here's a third option. Explain that you are moving on with your life and see no reason to keep them as friends on MySpace since you are no longer in contact with the ex. That from this point on you will not be responding to any communications from or for the ex. Simple statement of facts, no weaknesses involved.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Here's a third option. Explain that you are moving on with your life and see no reason to keep them as friends on MySpace since you are no longer in contact with the ex. That from this point on you will not be responding to any communications from or for the ex. Simple statement of facts, no weaknesses involved.

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Done. Went with what you said instead of my sappy love story that would have gotten me no where (while boasting her ego). Thanks Cat.

Just a different view point. :)