Hello Everyone:
I am a frequent visitor of this site but have never posted. I have a problem, that I feel I need some help in. Tomorrow marks the year anniversary of my LTR breakup. He and I were together Ten years. He dumped me during a serious surgery recovery time, stating that he no longer was in love with me, but has love for me (Yeah, typical line). He is 38, I am 34. I have been in NC with him since Dec 08, however we do see each other around because his family is very close with me, his cousin is my best friend, and I am a Godmother to her son, and my Ex is the Godfather. We were engaged to be married this October 10 2009, and after all that we have been through, I never thought we would be apart. I saw him through a three and a half year prison incarceration, I saw him through deaths in his family, I helped support him financially, and emotionally. Looking back over the relationship I know that I was a Co-Dependant for him. I took care of his every need, letting my own needs to go unmet. I was happy, we had our issues, he has cheated, lied, etc.. I was really blind in the relationship. Now he is in a relationship with a woman that both of us knew, and they started the relationship two weeks after the breakup. However she did admit to me that although they never physically had sex when he and I were still engaged, they had many conversations about it. To me, he cheated again. Now when we see each other, he is with her, I am getting used to it. But it is so uncomfortable for all of us to be around each other. I know most of you would say that I should leave his family alone, but he rarely sees his family at all, as he spends all his time with his new girlfriends family, and I am very involved with some of his family members. I did break ties with his mom who I was extremely close with, for the benefit of all of us. She was not giving the new girl a chance, because she could not get past the he & I aspect. I am having a hard time as well. If you ask me how I feel about him, I know he is wrong for me. He has hurt me in so many ways. I don't understand why I would want to have myself hurt anymore but even wasting a minute thinking about him. I have been in counseling since 2007. My therapist believes my codependancy resulted from my childhood. I just don't know why my healing process is taking so long. I go over and over this in my mind. If it was someone else and they were telling me this story, I would tell them to cease all contact with his family, that having that reminder is what is making it hard for me to move on. I love his family. I don't really have a close relationship with my own family, so they have embraced me from the very beginning. I got very close with them during his incarceration, and formed my own relationship with them so I am not just the Ex Fiancée, they consider me a niece or cousin. Tomorrow will be a year, and I have made progress, but not that much obviously. Does anyone have any advice for me other than to break contact with the family, I cannot do that. But I am open for suggestions. I also don't know how my ex could move on as quickly after me, but I chalk it up to its not my business now, and he obviously never loved or respected me. I just wish I did not waste ten years, now eleven years on him, he clearly does not deserve to know me. Thanks for listening, and I welcome any comments.

Well, you want to keep ties to his family and the fact is that when you where having a developing relationship with him; you also developed a very close relationship to the family. Heck, you are family, 10 years is a long time! So if you choose to remain in contact with his family and get over him then you will do so at your discretion. I believe that your decision to cut of ties to the mom was courageous of you but it does not hurt to call her every now and then to say hello and how are you; just keep the ex conversations at a minimal because you don't want to know about him or his life - you're the one moving on in the right direction. Question is, are you going to desire what you did have in the past by remaining in contact with his family?

All the feelings you have are very painful and you know your making progress because what you are feeling now always comes before growth. You know your mistakes and you know what you did right. You have more to offer and you know what you want and what you don't want in your next relationship. I could imagine how you feel when you say you "wasted" your time because 10 years ago you where 24 and in your prime... you where with him in your mid-20's to now your mid-30's. Try not to look at it as time wasted but the time you needed to learn how he and who he really is. Most importantly, what you learned about yourself in the whole process... the highs and lows. How you have come past so much and are still continuing to move forward. You did not invest in him by marriage, children or means that would make your break up more difficult then it already was. Keep your chin up and the sun will shine for you.

April, thanks so much for your kind words. His mom and I were really, really close, but she has been vindicitive to both me and my ex by causing drama that neither of us needed, she was trying to break my ex and his new girl up, and she was trying to use me to do it, so I had no choice to end that relationship. You are right, I have learned a lot about myself during this process. I hope to be smarter and wiser in future relationships. I have tried my hand at seeing what is out there, but it is pretty scary. My thing is, how can I learn to trust and love someone again? All that effort, and I did not even know that my ex was playing me during the relationship. He would tell me anything I wanted to hear, but his actions would truly show me how I meant. Especially now that it is over, he allowed me to be disrespected by his ex as well as he disrespected me. I had so much to get over. I don't even think my healing is close to being half over though, and that frustrates me.

Its very hard to break a ten year very emotionally invested relationship. Yes you nursed this sick duck back to health, at the cost of your own and now its you who need the healing.

You need more time being good to yourself, without a constant reminder of him. That means do what you can to get a life that you enjoy, without any connect to him, not his family, mutual friends, or anything that reminds you of what you had.

It would help your healing process tremendously.

Thank you Talaniman for your kind words as well. I was the one that had the surgery, and it was a hysterectomy, and the thing is that the surgery was needed but optional. My doctor sat with the two of us and explained if we were making a life time commitment to each other and we knew kids were not going to be possible than I should have the surgery. He insisted that he was in love with me, held my hand through the process, then nearly a week and a half after the surgery during my recovery, staples still in my belly, he tells me that for two months before the surgery he fell out of love with me, and did not say anything because he thought he could change his feelings, I said well if I had known how you felt we could have worked at this together, however he just threw in the towel. All for this other woman. If he did not have a backup plan, he would have still been with me, however now that my blinders are off, I should buy her a christmas gift, huh?

Trust issues will be worked out over time and once the right guy does step in and swoop you off your feet then it may be a surprise that you are able to trust the next man without reflections from the past. For some reason I feel like you may be holding the surgery responsible as if he lost interest because of that. Everything happens for a reason and if he left you at the time you needed him most then I wouldn't give him another thought. There are other things in life that are more meaningful to you, things that bring you joy, do the things that warm your heart. Transition is hard but once you get through it there will be more opportunities for you.

Healing is a process, so welcome anything associated with it. I hope your recovery is quick and hope you feel better soon.

Update-So It has now officially been 19 months since the breakup and I feel much better than I did during the last post, however I still have the occasional bouts of hurt, but the anger has subsided greatly. I realize that I am truly better off without him, however I am still not able to date yet. I tried to talk to a few guys and even went out on a date, but I quickly found myself finding reasons to not date anyone. I realize I am scared, I am truly afraid to open my heart again, and I hope that eventually I will be able to do that.
My ex is set to marry the one he left me for this August, and it still bothers me that he is able to just move on, like I was nothing more than a distraction in his life for the ten years that we were together. I recently came across a post on his Facebook even though we blocked each other, there was an issue where the unblocking occurred, and I saw a post from him saying "8 more weeks till the big day, It took me 38 years to find the perfect wife, I love you and can't wait to be your husband!" My, that certainly stung.
I just don't understand why Karma has not caught up to him, why when I was wronged, I am having difficulty moving on, and he is happy and content. Can someone please help me to understand this?

Hi All:

I just wanted to let you know, my ex-fiancee, whom I spent ten years with is marrying the woman he left me for this Saturday, after being with her for not even two years. I have many emotions about this, I feel conflicted to say the least, a little bit jealous, but at the same time relieved and not as sad as I thought I would be.

During my recovery time from this breakup, I realized a lot of things about the relationship, that I chose to ignore while being in it, but the most important thing is is that I know now that love is not enough.

I heard that he is requesting a Do NOT Play List of songs that he and I shared, and I just think that is weird. I mean, he actually had a conversation with his fiancée about songs he sang to me, and that we shared, and I just think it is weird. I know that he did this, so that the day can be just about the two of them, but I guarantee he will still think of me a little bit that day. We shared too much history.

I do see him occasionally around and it does not hurt as much as it did. I always catch him staring at me, looking for me in a crowded room, our eyes meet, and I just look away. He falls over himself to try to talk to me, laughs at my jokes, and I act like his presence does not even affect me (even though it does, LOL). The best revenge is to show that I move on, and eventually I will fall in love again, but for right now I am fine by myself.

Sorry for rambling, I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through these emotions, right before the ex is due to be married? Even though you know that it is over, its pretty scary about the finality of it all. Maybe I was holding on to a glimmer of hope that one day he will realize that we belong together, straighten his life out, and never hurt me again. But the door will now be closed and it is weird.

Any feedback will be appreciated. Thanks so much for reading :)

Love is not on a switch you can flip to off.
Ten years will not be forgotten in a week or two, or a year or two, maybe never completely.

It can take a long time to heal from a breakup and some (like your ex evidently) do it quicker.

The door is not closing Saturday. It has been closed for two years.
You are finally realizing it is closed.

Move on and try not to look back anymore. It has slowed your healing keeping the faint hope of reconciliation.

The door is closed and now it's full speed ahead to take care of you.

I wish you well

Hi Martinizing2
Thank you so much for responding. Yes, you are right, I must be finally realizing that the door is closing forever. There are times I feel at absolute peace with this, and then like a few days ago, I had a breakdown while attending someone's bridal shower thinking that why couldn't that of been me? OY!
I agree by looking back it has slowed me down, I wished it didn't. But like you said I just can't seem to completely turn this switch of love of.
I have positive things now I never would have done if I stayed, the most important is is that I am going back to school. College at 35, lol. Scary huh? But I think I need it. Challenging myself and moving forward are my goals for the future.

It sounds like you are experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, which after spending so long with someone is only normal.

Don't beat yourself up for what you are feeling, it is only normal. By the sounds of your post you sound pretty reflective of what you had, but also aware it is no longer.

Keep strong, you know yourself that you deserve every happiness. He has chosen the women he wants to marry, and whilst it is not easy knowing someone you spent so much time with is married to someone else, it will never replace what you had with him. They should be cherished (providing they were of course) as happy memories for the two of you.

Focus on yourself and your own happiness :-)

Good luck and stay strong.

It's never too early to start your life zzzzzzz(zzzz) :). I can't imagine how I will feel when my ex gets married, but it is just one of those things in life you have to deal with. I think you are handling it extremely well. Good for you. Ten years is a LONG time to be with someone. Judging by your great attitude and outlook, I have no doubt great things will come your way. Good luck!

Thank You Sillygal for the words of support. They really mean a lot to me. Yes, a rollercoaster of emotions is the best way to describe how I am feeling. The memories he and I shared, this is the thing, they were mostly bad, but when it was good it was great.

I know that I was a co-dependant in that relationship, and I never want to be that way again with anyone. I just don't know why I still care or why this still affects me. When I think of him now, I force myself to remember the bad things he did, especially when he abandoned me while I was recovering from my hysterectomy to go and be with this girl, and it makes me sick to my stomach, but yet in the next breath, that does not take away my love for him. SO confused,, :(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zzzzzzz

Thank You Sillygal for the words of support. They really mean alot to me. Yes, a rollercoaster of emotions is the best way to describe how I am feeling. The memories he and I shared, this is the thing, they were mostly bad, but when it was good it was great.

I know that I was a co-dependant in that relationship, and I never want to be that way again with anyone. I just don't know why I still care or why this still affects me. When I think of him now, I force myself to remember the bad things he did, especially when he abandoned me while I was recovering from my hysterectomy to go and be with this girl, and it makes me sick to my stomach, but yet in the next breath, that does not take away my love for him. SO confused,,,,,:(

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Time heals all wounds. And wounds all heels.

The confusion will diminish and stop. Never fast enough , but it will happen.

martinizing2,
I love that phrase "wounds all heels". I got a chuckle out of that. Thanks so much :)

It's perfectly normal for you to feel those emotions. After all, years ago you loved him and were wishing that you'd be that girl walking down the aisle.

Sounds like you've done a great job at accepting that it's over and are ready to move on with your life, so just continue with what you're doing.

It is strange that he'd have a "do not play" list of the songs you two enjoyed, but I would imagine that he just wants to focus on the new bride and not have any past emotions creeping in.

Thanks for responding Devorameira
That's what I thought too, that is was weird. I mean, he did not have to share that with her. But I am really trying not to overanalyze things anymore with him. Its over and I want it to stay that way. But yes, it was suppose to be me getting married to him. He actually proposed to her on what would have been our wedding day last year. I thought that was cruel.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zzzzzzz

I just don't know why I still care or why this still affects me. When I think of him now, I force myself to remember the bad things he did, especially when he abandoned me while I was recovering from my hysterectomy to go and be with this girl, and it makes me sick to my stomach, but yet in the next breath, that does not take away my love for him. SO confused,,,,,:(

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You still care because you loved him and you are human. You are obviously a very caring and compassionate person, and were also very hurt by him. Your feelings sound really normal to me.

But don't focus on him, focus on you!

In a previous relationship I had a long term boyfriend get together with a good friend very shortly after we separated (huh, as a write this sounds a little like de ja vu to my current situation, except the current girl was a colleage as opposed to good friend) and when they got engaged very quickly she sent me an email to thank me for introducing them! She very kindly cc'd this all our friends. I never knew the date they got married, but I know how it feels to think of the person I was with being with someone else.

Over time it changes. I wished him every happiness as I knew we were not meant to be. He was not right for me and ultimately he did not make me happy.

It seems like you think he doesnt/didnt make you happy and whilst you did want to get married to him, he also hurt you a lot. Remember you deserve every happiness too, and you will find it without him - with someone who will cherish you just how you deserve to be cherieshed and loved!

Hi Sillygal:
Wow, its nice to know that people at this site can understand how I feel. You are absolutely dead on about that I know that he did not make me happy, but yet I wanted to get married to him. He really did hurt me a lot, but I know that everything happens for a reason, I just wish it did not take this long to walk away.
I am sorry about what you went through, it is amazing how some people do not really think about others and only their own selfish needs. My thing is, if you want to be with someone else, please be courteous about it and break it off before you do. In your situation, I cannot believe your colleage would do that. My Ex's new wife to be, was a mutual friend of ours, his best friend and coworker, this was his sister in law. She was also over 400 pds when I met her, then a year later, she ended up having the gastric bypass surgery and lost nearly half her weight. Her confidence included taking what was not hers, and stabbing me in the back.

But through this whole experience, I realized that if it was not her that he left me for, it would have been someone else. He has a track record of not being faithful, and in fact was engaged a total of five times including this one, and he is finally settling down. I wish him and her the best of luck, they will both need it. :)

Glad that you are realizing this.

False hope is a killer. No more of your time wasted on that.

12 yrs is a long time. We would hope that we know each other after that long, & are on the same page.

Not everyone is to be together forever.

I have friends that have divorced 5 times & ones that have been together for 20 years plus & never married.

You can't take the time back, just learn from it & spend the next 10 or 12 being aware.

"I know that he did not make me happy"

Speaks volumes.

You are better off now.

Zzzzzz I was thinking about you on Saturday and hope you spent the day celebrating you!

You are stronger than you think, and are aware of your situation more than you think - reread your posts!

You are right that everything happens for a reason, we often don't know the reason until later. The key is to always keep learning and growing and trying not to repeat the same mistakes.

It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for being out of a relationship that was not making you happy.

I hope Saturday was a good day for you!

Hi Sillygal:
It was a good day, but I did find myself staring at the clock at 2 and thinking of my ex getting married. I felt a little down, and I do feel a bit of relief as well as it is done and over with. For ten months their engagement and upcoming wedding has been hanging over my head and now it is finally done.

I appreciate all of your support. I know I obviously need more time in my healing process. A good friend says I need to learn how to forgive him, not for him but for me, and then I can let go. But how can you forgive someone who hurt you so much and never said or acted like they were sorry? It is just so hard. But I am not responsible for his actions, only my own.
I wish there was a magic wand to make this all disappear, lol.

I hope you recover from it quickly and will be happy again soon. We all know how much false hope is holding us back, yet sometimes it's impossible to get rid of until life itself will sort it out.
Your posts are so painful to read. I wish you peace and love.

The title of your post caught my attention and your story seems somewhat similar to an experience I went through.

We were engaged when he cheated on me. There were a lot of signs that I overlooked (e.g. less frequent phone calls), but I always thought that it was because he was busy with his new job.

After a devastating break up, and 9 months after he broke up with me, he is now getting married to the same girl.

So, I know what you mean by those "weird" feelings that you have. I feel like those are feelings that you had in the past but are gone now.

I look back and I'm glad that we broke up, because it would have been even more devastating if I found out he was cheating on me after our marriage.

I believe there is a divine force out there (God) that is looking out for us; making sure that we are not making the wrong decisions.

I have to agree with Jan, I think you are just being haunted by old feelings that you thought were buried, and when something catches your interest again, they will be forgotten just as easily as the were stirred up by the news of his wedding.

I use to get those same feelings when an ex had moved on, and was happy without me too, but they only lasted as long as I dwelt on the past. I will be honest, I had to many other things to look forward to, to stay on the past very long, but I was a party animal back them.

Jan100, yes it does sound like a pretty similar situation doesn't it? But yes, you are right. I would have rather this happened before the marriage as I am sure you are as well. He is now married and is honeymooning in Aruba. I hope he forgets the sunscreen, LOL!
Thanks Talaniman for sharing your story in relation to this. I like to hear from a mans point of view as well :)

"but they only lasted as long as I dwelt on the past."

That's the key.

No longer any need to spend a second thinking about him or his sunscreen.

Just you. (coming from another man, hehe)