Threads merged

Just come out of my first meaningful and four year relationship ( not my choice) and don't really have anyone I'm comfortable talking to. Wasn't the most social person before and I gave up making much of an effort during.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a question. Just need to get it out

We sort of broke up fir a month then got back together a couple of months ago. I wasn't feeling too great. We both started full time work and barely saw each other so wasn't feeling to great but the time apart made me want her back so much. Only now she wasn't sure (she was always the one who cared more at the start but now it was reversed which wasn't a problem till now). I tried to do more for her but went back to old habits. We used to study together at uni and now we were studying part
Time and working full time so not much time for anything else

I thought all was okay till one day she brings up how she wants to go to south America with her friends next holidays ( ages already going to nz with one of her friends the coming holidays) previously we'd talked about going to south America together and since we only have four weeks holiday a year I figure it means she wants to spend none of them with me and...

I confront her. So next she tells me age has more fun with her friends and she's changed
I leave pretty upset

Few desperate smss and I last a week till I see her on Facebook and so start chatting she thinks it's for the best even though I've spoken to mutual friends and she's had doubts but I guess that doesn't mean much. But I still press anyway being desperate
As I am. Asking if she sure which she now says yes to.

I know it's over although I hope it's not.

Now I can't concentrate on anything. I need to study but I really don't feel like it. Got to stop making excuses I guess

Went out sort of last night with some work mates who were trying to be nice. End up getting punched in the face walking down the street by some drunk. I may have been staring at his girl but... I was really in my own little world

Anyway so is it better to put my life on hold and try to focus on the exam or is now the time to start self improving

I'm planning
An everest base camp trek with a friend ( he has to convince his girlfriend I think)
Taking surfing lessons
Moving put of home

You re doing the right things by concentrating on your future.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the page?Lots of good advice there.
Keep seeing your friends and avoid all contact with the ex.
Sorry you got punched in the face by a yob-hope you re OK and not hurting from that as well.
Look after yourself.

Thanks. Heart is worse than the head. It much consolation. So clichéd

Yeah I've read the stickies. Wish I found the site a couple of weeks ago

I've been going for runs to sort of clear my head but just end up thinking of her.

Been trying to see friends but not as close to them anymore and everyone has move further distance wise also.

Going for runs is a good thing.
Gets your endorphins going and you ll sleep better.
Try to get to meet new people also helps,new friends new activities are all good.
Time s a great healer believe that.

I was in the same situation with my break up, not social, lost, confused, couldn't study... My advice to you, is take one day at a time. Day by day you'll get better, much better. If you train everyday, running, muscle building... then you will feel better, in your head and in your heart. Endorphin is a powerful substance and if the body is good, then the mind will follow. Eat well, drink well... go out without drinking too much, and you can even try to socialize more.

I made many friends since we broke up and I don't miss her at all and I don't feel any emptiness inside me. Join a group, do an activity... you'll see that life as single has lots of advantages.

Cheers. Thanks for the advice

Was looking for an instantfix but there is none.
Just time and the "program"

That's right don't force the "fixing" on yourself. Good luck.

I really want to break no contact arghh

But no good will come of telling her how much I love her right

It will only make you feel weaker, and her stronger and you will hate yourself for that. Look at it this way, she gave you pain. By not keeping contact with her, you're actually giving her some of that pain back. It's something I used, to get myself better.

Let her be and live your life now. All those feelings are feelings of shock, trust us, NC does work.

Thanks again. Stuck to my guns

I don't want to cause her pain. And I probably wouldn't be anyway. She suggested me not speakig seeing her so I'd get over her

I'm just wondering...
•She never wronged me during our time together. The worst she ever did was get jealous when I got a bit flirty
•the only thing wrong with her was that physicallly she wasn't insanely beautiful (which can hardly be held against her :p )
•and maybe some other minor things

The point of no contact is to help someone move on. What do I really have to look forward to? I had so much before. Admittedly I was leaning on her and nit growing as a person as much as I could have.

So all that there is to do is appreciate what I had and hope to be who I want to be and find someone just as good ?

I guess I can give my own situation to explain what to look forward to and it could apply to almost any break up. So when we broke up, I was heartbroken and lost. I didn't know what the future held for me. So I just took care of myself and postponed answering those questions.

4 months later, I felt I was completely free. Free to see anybody, to flirt with anybody, to be as close as I want to with anybody. I was much closer to my family and friends. I realized that the world is a big place and I don't need to stay in one place or get married so soon. I'm planning on moving to Sydney in 2 years and I already know I'll have an excellent job, with a nice weather.

I met some wonderful people and I have become much more sociable. I lost weight, I gain strength. Most importantly I gained perspective and a goal. Imagine being able to travel anywhere alone or with someone without having worrying about somebody else.

And then you start flirting and, you realize the initial rush is actually than what you had with your ex. You then feel she wasn't the only one and that there's plenty of fish in the sea. I guess that sums it up.

So what are you looking for? The best that you can become and the best that you can have, it makes a difference between a boring life and a great life.

Thanks once again. If I'm still in Sydney in two years I'll buy you a beer

I'm not feeling too bad now just down I guess

Any one have any tips on how to focus. I feel my work is suffering so distracted. And same with my study. She sat the same professional exam last session that I'm sitting now 30% pass rate.

Ok this is lame

Azif,I totally sympathise with you and feel your sadness.Its always very painful to let someone you love go.BUT,there's light at the end of the tunnel(even though right now you aren't in that stage to perceive it,which is just very normal after a hurtful episode).Trust me,just take it one day at a time and stick to one single mantra : You will make it through,you will heal and recover and use all the hurt and pain as lessons in transforming into the best person you can ever be.

Your situation has given you closure,you know what is what,which can't be said for many of our other friends venting here.Once you get closure,it becomes a tad easier,since you are at least saved from hoping and waiting.So,just keep repeating her final words of closure to yourself when you feel like giving in to break NC and tell yourself,that's why its over.

As Amicon said and like we will keep repeating,go through the stickies on NC and survival tips after a break-up at the beginning of the forum and follow them blindly.We are here to help.

All the best.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by azif

Thanks once again. If I'm still in Sydney in two years I'll buy you a beer

I'm not feeling too bad now just down I guess

any one have any tips on how to focus. I feel my work is suffering so distracted. And same with my study. She sat the same professional exam last session that I'm sitting now 30% pass rate.

Ok this is lame

---

Thanks for the beer man, I'd love it. Well, I know it's going to be pretty tough, but I would just go to the library and force myself to study. I'm in engineering so it's as hard as it gets. And something that helped me tremendously is going to the gym in the morning and working out like crasy, after that I would feel super great and I would be able to concentrate.
Hope this helps.

The others have given you some good advice, and a regular program of exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep will get you through this break up, and get you to focus on what you need to.

Also friend's and activities you enjoy will help. Be patient with yourself, as it's a process that needs time to get better.

Thanks all. The reason I keep posting I guess is cause I'm lonely. I have read all the stickies and more posts. But It's nice to have people listen to you. Haven't really had time to meet néw people and get out much yet. Just trying to focus on study and work ( which isn't ideal but I've put a lot of effort into the course and it costs a fair bit to resit)

I haven't defriended her on Facebook yet. Bad I know but just can't bring myself to do it. I have a few hundred photos of her tagged with me also anyway

Seems like she is moving on. Hanging out with new guys I've never heard her mention before. Maybe she was toward the end of it guess it doesn't really matter anyway

I need to too. But can't at the moment. No rush. Still have heaps of stuff athers but I think il wait till when I have time to collect don't wantto waste the drive out there and see her. I think I'd probably do something pathetic

As for closure I don't really get how saying " I've changed" counts. A bit of a cop out. Would have been better to tell straight out she didn't love me.

I still love her but I'm letting go. She doenst feel the same. So be it.
Miss the companionship so much. Having someone to talk to about anything

Its tough feeling lonely. Do you speak to friends daily? As for the things that are still at hers just do as you say leave them for the time being. Id stay away from Facebook if I were you-it does help to delete everything. Sad as it is when it s over it s over and we have to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives. One day at the time at first and after a few weeks it starts getting better. Look after yourself.

I go for walks with an old friend who I'd kept in contact with fairly regularly. But I seem to be doing all the chasing / organising if that's what you calll it (hes a guy).

And tried to get in touch with some other old friends but I've only seem them once and they haven't really tried to contact me again. Do I?

Facebook I know I should delete her. I guess I'm just waiting to see that she is really mivng on or something. Once she's with someone else I tell myself I know for sure that we can never be again. It's holding on I guess but I don't really want to delete her

I'm taking care of myself reasonably well. Exercising and eating just not sleeping right. It's three am. Damn. Hehe

Sleepless nights are hellish!
Have you tried any herbal sleeping remedies such as valeriana?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by azif

Facebook I know I should delete her. I guess I'm just waiting to see that she is really mivng on or something. Once she's with someone else I tell myself I know for sure that we can never be again.

---

You do not want to be around to find that out. Trust me, it will haunt you and maybe give you the urge to find someone else prematurely.

You are not applying NC by looking at her Facebook. Delete her completely. I know it's tough, but you will feel better after some time. Trust me it's going to be horrible. Actually it's good about the training, your body and brain is still in shock so it will take a bit of time. You're doing great man, the only thing left to get better is to delete her and block her on Facebook.

I guess I've been deluding myself, I've deleted her, so I no more looking at her wall...

Keep hoping we'll be friends or something but that isn't letting go I guess. She doesn't want to be with me so I've just got to accept it because I don't get a choice

Its freaking hard

I don't really want to be anymore (I won't kill myself, don't think I could and wouldn't want to hurt those who do care). But I don't see meaning in life which is really on me I guess (im not creating a meaning for myself which I should), I thought I could be happy just working getting maried living the suburban dream but that was obviously the wrong way to give meaning.

Wallowing in self pity

I found my meaning into life a while ago, but basically it's been changing constantly. Traveling opens up your eyes, you should plan a trip in the near future if possible, you can save up some cash.

Travelling is great, I used to travel with her though.

I think itd be good to do the everest base camp hike next year even by myself if I can't convince a friend. Sucks being in australia and being so far away from most places I want to go.

Cash isn't so much an issue, I'm time poor. But maybe I should just spend some hard earned cash on myself and fly away even for a week to south america

Really want to do the year off round the world trip, but not sure if I should buy a place or do that... be worried of getting my job back when I return

The only thing I suppose is that travelling to find yourself isn't :S
Its an internal thing I guess

Are you joking? Australia is a beautiful country! There is so many things to do and New Zeland isn't far away. Isn't there the biggest coral reef in the whole world? Don't worry take things slow and take care of yourself, the world is your possibility now.

Hehe. Doesn't everyone do that though feels more like you're getting away when you leave the country

And thanks

No problem man, by the way is it true there's more chicks than guys in Sydney :D?

I think that's probably true for most major cities isn't ny like that?
I haven't noticed any major imbalance

Our education system now favours women and more women than men are going to uni. So guess it will improve odds lol

But it isn't just about odds unfort

Dreamed she wanted to get back together this morning

Quite normal. It has been a long time and you are still in shock. You are trying to get better but it takes time, as all healing does.

I understand your pain, I passed through it. Day by day you will get better if you take care of your body. You shouldn't suffer too much if you are really doing something to heal.

Oh and yea, NY has a lot of women, there is 5% difference between genders. You live in Sydney for god sake :D, you know how lucky you are? Back here in Canada we're freezing our a$$es off lol.

I guess that makes it some kind of nightmare :( was so happy till I woke up

Not really doing much to heal, don't have any time, don't really have time to even exercise but am making the time

When my life frees up in a couple of weeks I'm going to start trying new things but until then

At least you can go skiing, snow here sucks...
Weather has been pretty crap lately but I definitely will learn to surf this summer when I get my act together

I think you re on the road to healing even though it may not feel that way yet.
Ive noticed you ve started to reply to other posts and share your knowledge with others which is a good thing to do.
Helping others is a way of helping ourselves.

Quote:

---

I think you re on the road to healing even though it may not feel that way yet.

---

Everyone is on the road to healing, I haven't really moved at all maybe slightly mentally, I want to develop socially.

Quote:

---

Ive noticed you ve started to reply to other posts and share your knowledge with others which is a good thing to do.

---

I need to follow my own advice but its hard to be objective

26 days nows, everything still reminds me of her even though I've packed away anything directly connected to her,

I keep thinking how perfect she was and how I should have done things differently and will I ever find someone as compatible/loving/etc which is pointless

I need to study but I haven't done anywhere as much as I should have, and I just don't feel motivated
I can tell myself that its all down to me as much as I want but I still just end up dwelling on the past

Sometimes we visit our past but try not to get stuck there.
This is where it helps to keep busy as I'm sure others have advised you.
Try doing the things that made you happy before you met your ex.
Try to see that eventually you will meet someone new but right here and now its time to work on building yourself up again.

Don't put her on a pedestal, there is many girls out there that can better than your ex. Take things easy, one day at a time, knowing you'll get better as the days go by.

It's sad that I never fully appreciated what I had till we spent time apart and when I was finally thinking that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her she decides she's had enough.

Hopefully at the least j will have learnt from it... If only I could rewind
I miss her so much and now there's nothing I can do

There is a lot you can do my friend. You just have to be willing to do it as this experience, painful as it is, is about growing and learning. As you get better with time, you will understand this and make better choices for yourself, especially about future relationships.

That's the whole point, being ready for that one, and strong enough to take a risk, and deal with the outcomes.

Life is about dealing with reality (outcomes, results of actions, and decisions), and making the right adjustments for yourself.

It all comes together in time. And gets better.

You should appreciate your own time either with or without someone. This is one way to build a complete life. You actually have a lot of advantages of being single and without any attachment.

Thanks guys

I meant there's nothing I can do to salvage the relationship :(

I want to call her or see her and apologise for the mistakes I made and thank her for what we had.

I keep thinking that if I didn't confront her about not wanting to spend her holidays with me maybe she would still be around and I could have built a more solid relationship

But then I think that is it worth it if she didn't have the guts to tell me how she was feeling and was just going to let go of the relationship

Seeing her and trying to talk about how you wish things could have been different is only going to hurt you.
We ve probably all regretted things we did or didn't do in our past relationships but its better to leave that unsaid.
Am I right in thinking you re four weeks into NC ?Try not to beat yourself up about what you could have done differently-you both did what you did and you ll get over this even if it takes a while longer.