Hi, thanks in advance to everyone for all of their help. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. We are in college and although we do not live together we practically do. She stays over at least 4 nights a week and comes to my apartment directly from school almost every day. About a month ago we took a break. She was questioning our relationship. I thought about things and realized that I had feared taking the next step of engagement and had begun pushing her away to delay things a bit because we were very very close. I apologized to her and explained what I had done and urged her to end the break and for us to begin going on dates again and work back in slowly. Three spectacular dates later it was back to her staying over constantly while we work on fixing things. After about 2 weeks of this, she wants to talk. She says when she is here with me about half the time she has an amazing time with me, but the other half she feels like we are just two friends hanging out with nothing sexual between us. I tell her I feel like it's a result of me pushing us apart, and I think we just need to date slowly for longer to regain the passion for each other that we had for so long. She however wants to take another break to decide if she wants to be together, seeming as though she doesn't. When she left my apartment that night she clung to me crying and crying telling me what an amazing time she has with me and can't imagine life without me, but that she needs to think about why she doesn't feel the spark all the time anymore. She left a lot of her things here when she left though, hair products, combs, dryers, clothes, jewelry, all as if she plans on being back before she'll ever miss them. I'm at a loss here as to what is going on and what to do. Am I wrong in thinking that we just need to start over slowly to fall in love all over again? Are things over because the spark fades from time to time? Should I give her space until she contacts me or just give it a week or two then make some romantic gesture and ask for a date. I know the general consensus is to just give it time, but knowing her the way I do, I feel like she wants to be swept off her feet again, and not left to think. Only two days after iniating the break she contacted me asking how I was and seemed to want to make small talk. I was friendly, but quickly reassured her I meant to not push her into ending the break this time and made up an excuse that I was going to go hang out with my roommates (trying to let her know my life didn't just end when she wasn't around.) Help me please! I'm so lost as to what to do right now.

When I think about it I feel like as a relationship matures we should be not only lovers but friends also so the idea of feeling like friends when we're just hanging out at the house sometimes doesn't seem that terrible. Am I wrong here? Maybe some advice from people in longer relationships. :)

Sorry to keep adding on, just keep thinking of other useful info for anyone answering. When she left my house she also left many of her things here, brushes hair products, clothes, jewellery. Does this mean anything?

She needs space she says and previously you felt you were pushing her away as you felt you weren't ready to get engaged, so there are insecurity issues and even though you got back together these weren't sorted out. When somebody wants space we ve got to give it to them.Its as hard and as simple as that. Read the stickies at the top of the page please.

Thank you very much for the advice, and I would appreciate anyone else who has knowledge or suggestions to contribute to help me with this difficult situation.

Hi mate I feel your disdain, I'm sorry but I think your relationship has run its course. You have been very mature in your approach to your problems and its really hard to face up to something like this, after all 3yrs is a long time but from your detailed letter I'm afraid you and your girlfriend are going to have to take the rough road ahead and split up permanently. Its OK to talk to one another but your only prolonging the agony of splitting up and from your girlfriends behaviour I feel that she wants to break up but is feeling uncertain and afraid to make the bold step of permanent separation.
I promise you will feel better if you just take the bull by the horns and kill it dead (the relationship) you will realise in a couple of months it was the best thing for both of you to do. All the best mate

Thank you for your advice. I had convinced myself that I would give her a couple of weeks with no contact then ask either to work on things together or end it there, but perhaps your right and I should just break it off now. I just hate to do it when we still have a very strong connection half the time, and feel its just something that needs to be worked on. Anyone else have any suggestions?

It sounds like an immaturity thing to me, on her part.

The best part of new relationships is the falling in love. Sparks are more like fireworks, and the stupor is like sunshine and roses. Everything is wonderful and you can't get enough of each other.

Eventually the fireworks start to fizzle into sparks, and the stupor starts to fade and life comes into focus. Replace the sun with a few thunderstoms, and the roses with smaller more practical gestures, like picking up milk on the way home for your instant coffee.

Anybody married for a very long time will tell you that the 'spark' is still there, but nothing is ever as intense and overwhelming as actually falling in love. Life sets in, and you learn to see all the faults and differences of your mate, you grow into a couple, or a unit, and together you tackle far more serious issues that will test.

That unspoken intimacy, and intellectual compatibility grows and matures. You can't imagine your life without someone who's qualities are so compatible to yours. You rely on each other through good and bad times, and realize that eventually, love has evolved. It will never be the same as falling in love, and it takes hard work to keep a spark going.

Just my own opinion here, but sparks just don't happen after a while. You have to make them happen, and nurture and grow together.

I agree that while she is still at the wanting sparks from heaven to happen, and thinks of the relationship that way, she is not ready to commit, or mature enough to commit to a more meaningful, long lasting relationship. It seems that you are. So, you enjoyed only one part of developing a relationship with her, and that part is short lived, and not sustainable.

I'm not sure you can expect more from her that what she is able to give.

Well I went through a similar thing my g/f said I was pushed her away to long and she felt I was being distant all these things.. 3 weeks ago I could tell the end was near.. we broke up 2 days ago and she was crying clining to me also.. said she loves me but she's empty and can't try no more she said she tried so long and wanted to be with me like no one else and I crushed that.. and I do believe I messed up.. but if the feelings aree so strong if we would have stayed together it would have worked.. I think they might not be able to get past the past plus with my ex I think there are people talking things to her and leaving a impression on her.. but that's my feelings sorry man it sucks I can't wait for this feeling to leave :(

Her wanting space then contacting you the next day shows she doesn't really know what she needs. And it's not healthy sticking around with a person who doubts their relationship with you.

I would say back away completely. No contact and attempt to accept the realization that there is a possibility this could not end in your favor.

Thanks for the advice. I have had very similar thoughts to yours Jake. I realize that as a relationship matures it can't be all magically and passion when you look at each other. It's at that point you discover if you've made a good choice. That's why I thought it was GOOD to look at one another and see your best friend from time to time, but perhaps she just isn't ready to be in a relationship that isn't all passion anymore.

My first thought when reading this is, she is seeing someone else and keeping you around as a back up plan. Women don't need to figure it out through a break, they know it's over.

There is nothing wrong with being friends in a relationship, but the relationship must come first and friends second. The more you treat her like a friend, the less attraction she will have for you. If you go so far in one direction, it's hard to flip it back the other way.

The crying and clinging thing is something women do so that you won't be mad at them while at the same time giving them the power in that moment. You as a guy aren't going to start questioning a crying woman who says she's confused and gives you a false hope that she may come back.

If she wants a break then you have to tell her it is a break she gets. Pack all her stuff up in a paper bag and tell her to come get it or you will throw it out. If she's not paying you're a fee to hold her stuff, then you don't have to be her storage shed.

Yes, it sounds mean, but she asked for this change in your life so now you think of you first and holding her stuff and being available to her is not your problem so you need to start acting as such.

I spoke with her today, I know bad to break no contact, but I told her that I felt as though we had reached a point where the magic of falling in love had faded, and our relationship had reached a new level, that of a long term commitment to one another. I said that we can do romantic things together that would still feel as wonderful as the beginning of our relationship but that after a point no relationship could be that way constantly. I believe this was a major issue she was having because she said that the main thing that was worrying her was those times when she just felt friendly toward me. I told her that she could have a while to think if she was ready for that commitment, but that I could not wait for her forever. She said it all made sense to her and she would think about it a bit and let me know. Was this a wise choice for me to bring it up to her?

I don't see that you've done anything wrong at all.

It sounds like a productive conversation, and you have steered it to where you need it to go. Very clearly too, well done.

If she takes the time to really think about what she is going to lose, and what she might possibly gain by allowing herself to take the next step with you, maybe she will realize that love indeed, carries on. It just takes on different forms over time.

I hope this works out for you, but I'm glad too that you have a good head on your shoulders, and won't wait forever.

The ball is in her court now.

Thank you for your advice Jake. It's hard, but I think it's best that this is happening, for her to be sure what she wants. I understand that she is questioning things between us because she is having to question a lot about what she wants with the rest of her life right now (school, work, etc.) I want to give her time to sort this out for herself, but like I said, I can't just wait forever. I've never been in this situation before, so how long should I wait before I just give up on things and move on?

I think it sounds as if that conversation was a good idea on your part... you got to say what you needed to say and from your post it sounds as if the things you said were well put.

How long should you wait, that varies from person to person... and as to how patient you are. I'm the sort of person who would give it sometime, maybe 2-4 weeks at least.

A lot happens during a week; work, school etc. and the more you have to do during a week, the shorter it seems (at least that's how it seems to me)...

How long to you feel its appropriate to wait?

How long are you willing to wait?

I always find it so interesting when a woman says that she needs a break, yet there's *always* "this guy" she's been talking to for a few weeks or says she likes a little but still loves you.

Probably the key about waiting is, not too long that you don't start to recover from the relationship and get used to being single. And for her, not too long so that she doesn't decide to test the single waters to see if the grass is greener.

I'd say a few weeks should be plenty of time for her to figure out what she wants to do.

If she's serious, it shouldn't take too long for her to figure it out. If she's not, and she keeps hedging for more time, then I'd call it quits.

Life is short.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Probably the key about waiting is, not too long that you don't start to recover from the relationship and get used to being single. And for her, not too long so that she doesn't decide to test the single waters to see if the grass is greener..

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Had to spread the love Jake; but this is a really good point!

You have done your part, and now she needs to do hers. That was a great conversation for you to have, as many do not.

How long should you wait? Not one minute. You are responsible for your own happiness regardless of her decision, so just me, I would be doing the healing part, by having friends, and activities I enjoyed, while I was giving her the space she needs.

You never put your life on hold, plus you already know your not ready to date anyway. So there is no pressure for you to just be on the lookout for someone else, and no reason you can't be living your own life.

If she decides to be a part of that happiness, so be it. If she isn't that sure, oh well!

I don't see you having to wait in a corner twiddling your thumbs for her to decide what she wants.

Have some good clean man fun, and she will let you know what she decides. If she calls answer, and be honest, but don't press. You are not in No Contact, but you do have to let her make a decision for herself.

Just so you know, sometimes my wife only barely tolerates my existence. Sometimes sparks fly when you're pissed at each other.

Such is the reality of life.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I appreciate it very much, and it has all been extremely helpful to me.

Also, to High Max, as much as I hate to say it and sound like "that guy" that can't accept his girlfriend might be eyeing someone else, I really don't think this is the issue. She has always been honest with me to a fault, and I truly believe if it where that she liked someone else, she would tell me the truth. She mentioned when she brought all these things up that since we had been together so long that she was unsure if she truly missed me and wanted to come visit, or if she had just grown accustom to having me around most of the time. I think the break could possibly also be the result of her wanting to test this, though I don't fully understand what she is questioning there.

I can see what you're saying there. Just in general that always seems to be what happens. But a lot of times, even having just a little bit of feelings for another person when you are in a relationship plants the tiny seed of doubt. You hope that it doesn't get rained on and grow.

Sometimes it doesn't, other times it does. Why it does for sure is impossible to really say for sure. Peoples emotions and feelings are ever changing and uncertain. So don't blame it on yourself.

She is questioning herself, which is really normal, given the impact her decision will make on the rest of her life. You can analyze it all you want, but understanding it, is what you must do.

Have you forgotten it was you not being ready for what she wanted, that started this series of events?

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She was questioning our relationship. I thought about things and realized that I had feared taking the next step of engagement and had begun pushing her away to delay things a bit because we were very very close

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You planted the doubt, and now she must remove it. The very thing you now wonder about, she has wondered also.

Had you been sure as you are now, I seriously doubt a break would have been necessary. Just as you had to give it some thought to see things differently, guess what, it her turn now.

All the advice has really helped me to decide my stance on this situation, and I thought I had it all figured out... until today. She calls me and asks to meet in the morning for breakfast because she needs to talk to me. I agree and meet her. She says that she's thought about it a lot and although she is still unsure, she is willing to work on things, but because she is still unsure and doesn't want to be selfish, that she would like for me to decide if we keep trying or just break it off. I think about it while we make small talk about what we did while apart, but before I bring the subject back up, we realize we're late and have to rush off. We decide to meet for dinner to finish the conversation. At dinner, I tell her that I'd like us to work out, but that it is only possible if she truly WANTS to work on things. After she thinks about it, she says she does want to work on things and doesn't want to lose me. However, the whole time and since then she has been very distant, we spoke very little at dinner and even less after she went home. I have no idea where things stand now or what is going on, I'm back to completely lost. Anyone willing to share some more great advice on my current situation? Please :P

You know when you make your mind up about something, and you are absolutely sure, and you walk into the boss's office and rip a strip off him, throw in your security card, and tell him where to shove the job?

Then when you storm out of the building, and get in your car, you break out into a cold sweat, realizing that you just made a huge mistake.

You acted on impulse, emotion, and immediate gratification. You had been thinking about doing that for the past 2 years, and now that you did it, you wonder if the job was that bad after all. Sure the boss was a blockhead at times, and you didn't get those sales that would have you in the top 10 and feeling good, but, was it as bad as you thought it was? Was losing the job worth it?

Doubts are natural. The strength and energy comes in action, and sometimes the actions do not justify the result. Cold feet, uneasy feelings that you've really screwed up, and depression sets in because you miss the familiarity of the office, and the routine that you've had for so long.

I think it is like that for her. She's reflecting on all that she had, that she decided to give up. She split without really being 100 percent sure, even though she thought her reasons justified her actions. She's re-thinking what she has done, and in some ways, she is trying to decide if being with you will rekindle the passion she once felt, and is what is there, going to last.

She's testing the waters right now. She hasn't made a commitment, but she hasn't completely severed ties.

I think you are in the same boat that you were. Do you want to start all over with her, or has it just simply been enough, and you want to face a new future with someone who doesn't have the same doubts.

You are in a position of strength right now. Think hard before you dive back into a place that has caused you so much pain.

Thanks for the advice Jake, I'd like to give things another try with her, but if over the next few times we see each other she remains as distant from me, I don't think I can continue to try. I'm not really sure how to explain the feeling I get from her, possibly indifference or maybe she is just overwhelmed and truly confused. I feel like I'm trying to make conversation and be cheerful, but all I get in return are answers like "sure", "that sounds fine", or "it doesn't matter to me." I don't know maybe she's trying to make herself feel free of any responsibility to how this turns out.

This is a typical control ploy. Is she cheating on you, who knows. That fact is if she is, then it's probably with her alter ego. She is conflict. It's like having a coin never feeling sure enough to toss it and call it and feel secure about the decision you've made in the end. Unfortunately, those around someone during this transitory period can get mixed into the shuffle. You don't have to prove to anyone that you have a life. You do. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that. It's pretty great that you're considering all of these things. However, no need to analyze too much. Maybe she feels comfortable with leaving things at your place. Perhaps it's a constant reminder of a Safe place where she experiences cohesion. Congratulations, you are a nice guy! Sit back relax, enjoy her show, and put yourself first. From there you'll know if she wants to tune in and watch, or be an active participant. You're right. Friendship is the foundation. If calls are difficult, then keep them brief and honest. -- All the best, EM

She says she wants to work it out, take her at her word, and give the signs your willing. That takes a commitment to make a decision, and follow through.

Maybe she is waiting for you to lead so she can see something to hang her hat on, a reason to work with you.

I go back to your original post, where you pushed her away because you were unsure of moving to the next level. When you remove the doubts from your own mind, then she will have no doubts, or conflict in being willing to follow your lead.

At least you will find out where her head is and if your going in the right direction.

She wants a clear commitment to do that. I would do that, and not worry about whether it works or not, I mean, 3 years is a long time to date without a very clear path to follow, wouldn't you agree?

She does need a clear signal as where YOU are going to make a decision. The ball is in your court, you have to play it, to win it, and not worry about outcomes, or competition, or confusion. Just make yourself very clear, and your actions have to match your words.

Thanks all for the advice, and as much as I hate to admit it, turns out I was "that guy" in a way at least. Turns out there was a guy, in a way. It is a friend who lives on the other side of the country, whom she's never met before or really ever has a possibility of meeting. She told me today that she thought about it and she is sure she wants to work things out and was very excited that she was finally sure about something. She told me though they were just friends she had developed slight feelings towards him just because he was very kind to her during our rough period. She was upset, and said she didn't want to lose the friend, but that she was going to tell him she couldn't talk to him anymore because as long as she did we could never truly work on us. She explained that she had only slight feelings for him, but that initiated this break in a way because she had never before in three years felt anything for anyone else and did not know what it meant.

Goggles, The story has a tone of bordom and lonliness. It sounds as if your 3year old relationship has lost the excitement that any new relationship will eventually loose... when it is no longer new.
Let's face it, there is not much that is exciting or unknown about some one who you've been with for 3 years. I don't mean this as a putdown or an insult. Getting to know a person that you are attracted to. . IS exciting. When you get to know them, now they are someone who is familiar.

If you had future plans together, there would be something to look forward to, that may keep the relationship tight and alive during the bland periods of your 3 years together. A future business, an engagement, children, or a celebratory trip upon graduation may give her a reason not to over analyze the everyday ho hum times.

I kind of think that if you were inclined to want to get engaged.. . You would have made it more apparent in your original question. If you are unsure.. . DON'T DO IT!

I can't help wondering what would happen if a new guy who sparked her interest came into her life. Would she still be questioning her relationship with you or would she feel the thrill of the unknown and take the space she says she needs without coming back. Probabley, cause she's not alone and lonely. She may stay away as long as the new relationship lasts. Then return.

Another thought that comes to me is; it may be better for her to have someone than no one. When she takes her space, she probabley gets lonely. When she returns... after a while, the same hohum atmosphere sets in. Nothing is new and exciting. Just the same as it used to be. At least she's not alone. Ya know what I'm talking about ?

I could go on and on with this but I'm sure you get the idea. It's all human nature.

Good Luck

PS True love is what keeps relationships alive through the bland times.