Entire story merged

Yesterday I called my boyfriend when I got off work. He asked me if I wanted to go jogging with him when I got home. I told him I would go. Then he saws are you really going to jog? Like he was basically saying that he wanted to jog without stopping, no walking or anything. I told him I would still go but I don't know if I'll be able to jog the entire way (He wanted to jog a mile nonstop and back home). Then he says you can't be playing around like last time (I wasn't playing last time, I was really tired of running) And he was saying it like I was some child (but he said he wasn't being mean) but I instantly got mad and told him that I didn't want to go and he can go by himself. He thinks just because I'm 22 and he's 30 I should be able to jog a mile without stopping. I don't think age has anything to do with it. I didn't talk to him the entire day. I was going to apologize but he started giving me attitude, so I thought forget it.

I was already having a messed up day. I was bored as crap at work, can't find a permanent job cause nobody wants to hire, then he got a situation going on with him. All those feelings kind of just got balled up into one.

It wouldn't hurt to be the bigger person and still apologize. Maybe once you say you're sorry he'll say he's sorry for giving you an attitude. I'm also guilty of taking frustrations out on people. Getting better at it, one day at a time. It helps to take step back from the situation when you start to feel angry and approach things logically. Usually when I have a bad day I tell my husband right off the bat, and apologize in advance for any attitude I give him and that I don't mean to.

Next time he gives you a hard time about not jogging the whole way, just tell him to keep jogging and you'll walk when you start to get tired. That way you at least started together but you continue at your own pace. Eventually you'll be able to keep up with him better.

It just sounds like a misunderstanding. If you get tired, he shouldn't expect that you continue running. You just have to talk it out with him and explain that you can't run at the same pace he does without doing more training yourself. So if he wants to run with you, he has to realize that he has to run at your pace. Just talk it out so this doesn't become a bigger issue.

You told him you would go. But did you really want to go in the first place or were you just agreeing to it for his sake and fear he wouldn't think you care if you don't go?

Sounds as though he's on a mission out jogging and its important to him, which in turn I think he expects it to be equally as important to you too, for yourself I mean.

Your right though,its not necessarily age, its fitness levels, you need to tell him that your fitness levels aren't as high as his obviously are and that in order for you to keep up the pace, it will take you a while to do that, so as someone else said, for him to go on ahead if you start slacking.

If you really don't want to go, then tell him that and explain why. You need to communicate with each other.

He's obviously hurt your feelings with the way he reacted to you, just be honest and calmy tell him that it hurt your feelings and then tell him what you want to do. And no an apology wouldn't go a miss, it may make him understand.

Its hard to compromise when you are having a bad day. Once your emotional dust settles you will see things more clearly.

While he may seem a bit cold about being your jogging partner, maybe you could do some work in that area yourself, and be a better jogger on your own, its great stress relief, but as a shared thing with your partner, you obviously aren't that motivated as he is. If its just not your thing, you catch him after he has his run, but don't pretend you enjoy it.

I did apologize to him this morning. He said it was fine, but no he didn't apologize to me. I also asked him what was wrong with us starting running together and if I get tired I'll walk? And then start back up. He said no stopping at all, so I said I wouldn't be able to do that and stayed home. He obviously don't care about me getting tired along the way.

I kind of wanted to go with him cause I missed him and haven't seen him all day, but then again I kind of didn't want to go cause I had just gotten off work and I was a little hot and tired.

Entire story merged

I seem to be a tad bit jealous when my boyfriend makes compliments on other girls. Like if he says that a certain girl is fine. I get mad. I think the main reason why I get mad is cause I assume that he trying to get with the girl or that there is something on the girl that he likes that I don't have. Like for instance I am a slim girl. A lot of people say I have big boobs :rolleyes: but I don't have a big bottie. So every time I'm out with my boyfriend and I see a girl with a big butt walk by and see my boyfriend looking, I assume that he would want to get with her cause her butt big and not mine. I wasn't like this before! I don't even know when I got like this either, but I really don't like it. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I should be content, right?

I know he loves me and wants to be with me forever (he says) and wants to marry me. I really don't believe that he would cheat on me either, but sometimes I think twice about it cause he had this Facebook with lots of female friends on it (I'm not one of them) and it makes me think that maybe he having relations with someone on there. It's not like he writes to them in front of me. It's really hard. I really need help on knowing how to change how I'm feeling. I don't want to be jealous, depressd and upset anymore.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

he had this facebook with lots of female friends on it (i'm not one of them).

---

Whoa... wait? Do you have a Facebook? Have you requested him as a friend and he ignored it? I'm only asking because if that is the case, you may have a situation on your hands.

On the other hand, if you don't have a facebook/he doesn't get on much/you don't get on much or any combination of those I wouldn't worry.

When I merged your threads one thing jumps out at me, he is not that supportive, or understanding of you.

Even a big dummy like me knows when his hard working, hot, and tired, female needs a hug, and some reassurance, and understanding, especially after a bad day.

I also see a big red flag in his insistence you keep up with him as he forges ahead with out considering, or even suggesting how you can be better prepared. Sorry, not to make something where they may be nothing, but its him who makes you feel in adequate, and he may not be meeting your emotional needs.

I think you should be able to talk about this in a calm, honest manner, more for your own good, rather than the relationship, but will he understand and make adjustments in his behavior? That I can't answer, but NO, you don't just have to settle for what ever he puts out.

Its just something's you have to do for yourself, without him, and being happy with yourself, is one of them.

The more I hear about your story, the more red flags I see.

He's definitely not considerate of your feelings. I think part of it is due to him taking you for granted now. He hasn't had to do much work to keep you happy and he's not scared of losing you.

You really need to explain to him how you feel about all these issues. He needs to understand that you are feeling unease. If he really cares about you, he would do something about your insecurities. Otherwise, he might not care about you as much as he says he does.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

The more I hear about your story, the more red flags I see.

He's definitely not considerate of your feelings. I think part of it is due to him taking you for granted now. He hasn't had to do much work to keep you happy and he's not scared of loosing you.

You really need to explain to him how you feel about all these issues. He needs to understand that you are feeling unease. If he really cares about you, he would do something about your insecurities. Otherwise, he might not care about you as much as he says he does.

---

I still can't rep you! Dang it. Yeah I'm starting to see red flags everywhere.

Yes I have a Facebook. He added me as his friend one time and got mad at me cause I requested one of his friends as my friend, so he deleted me off. The second time I made a request, he accepted. One night we were at his brothers house drinking and he got wasted and fell asleep. Being a woman, I went through his phone (facebook) and saw a conversation he was having with some girl about hooking up and eating cake and watching movies, and catching up on old time (as friends) it said. The girl asked him if I knew that he was coming (to VA cause that's where the girl lives) and if I was okay with it. He never responding about me knowing about it, he just told her that he was coming alone. So I wrote the girl back saying that he wasn't coming to VA w/o me now that I see what's going on. Once my boyfriend found out about that he deleted me off his friends list on Facebook. Now every time I make a request to be his friend he ignores it. I asked him why, and he says because I don't trust him. Now don't you think him deleted me off his Facebook and ignoring my request is going to make me not trust him?

HE got plans on going to VA with his cousin at the end of the month. I'm not going cause I don't have money to go. So I'm a little upset about this cause the first thing that comes across my mind is him hooking up with someone while he down there. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think about it

Why would your boyfriend ask if you wanted to go jogging and then question if you reallywanted to go?

I think you have a communication problem that you would rather blame on your age difference.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

...And he was saying it like I was some child (but he said he wasn't being mean)...

---

You should also not react like a child when you think he treats you like a child.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

...but I instantly got mad and told him that I didn't want to go and he can go by himself...

---

Not to mention you hacked into his Facebook account, that's just wrong.

The more things you tell us, the more we're going to lean towards telling you to break up with him, because there are so many obstacles.

1) Whether you believe it or not, you don't really trust him, especially because of the Facebook issues.

2) You don't have any security in this relationship or it has diminished significantly to the point that it might not be repairable without a lot of effort on both sides.

3) He's been taking you for granted and is inconsiderate of your feelings.

Sometimes, being in love with each other is not enough to have a successful relationship. It takes hard work and a strong commitement from both people. This is not apparent in your relationship.

I'm not saying he was right for you to go through his Facebook, because if you trust someone and respect their privacy you just don't do that, BUT, I can see that you don't trust him and I wouldn't either.

If you don't trust him and he's not doing anything to gain your trust it may be time to move on. A relationship is hard enough but when you don't trust the one you're with, that's not much of a relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

Yesterday I called my boyfriend when I got off work. He asked me if I wanted to go jogging with him when I got home. I told him I would go. Then he saws are you really going to jog? Like he was basically saying that he wanted to jog without stopping, no walking or anything.e

---

So he's basically saying, don't come if you can't keep up with me? Shouldn't that be your choice if you go or not?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

I did apologize to him this morning. He said it was fine, but no he didn't apologize to me.

---

So he's too good to apologize even though he got an attitude with you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

I seem to be a tad bit jealous when my boyfriend makes compliments on other girls. Like if he says that a certain girl is fine.

---

To me this seems disrespectful. It's one thing to look, it's another to make it so obvious that you're checking someone out.

I really get the feeling that he's controlling and taking advantage of you.

I know I may have been wrong to go through his Facebook but if you ( a woman mainly ) have a feeling that something is going on with your man, your going to look and find out what it is (whether you trust him or not). That's what I did.

We probably do have a communication problem. One of the reason that may be is because almost every time I try to talk to him about something he gets an attitude and we end up arguing. I don't want to be arguing with someone because I want to talk about a certain issue.

And with the complimenting other girls thing... he feels that its natural and that I probably do it too. Yea that may be true but I don't come out and say (in front of him) that a man is fine.

What would you guys say is the best thing to do?

I would hope you give a lot of thought to how you approach him, and when, and more importantly, with what facts you have to back up your feelings. That way you have a reasonable idea of your issues, and hopefully a firm idea of how you expect to be treated by him. That requires you to know yourself and what you want. Then its just communicating to him how you feel, and listening to what he says.

No relationship is over until one, or both partners, aren't willing to work together, through honest communications, to RESOLVE their issues, to the benefit of both.

Don't expect overnight results, but do expect some progress over time.

Quote:

---

Sometimes, being in love with each other is not enough to have a successful relationship. It takes hard work and a strong commitement from both people. This is not apparent in your relationship.

---

Had to spread the rep, but I find this to be so true.

Threads merged

My boyfriend is going out of town to VA (his home town) at the end of the month. I'm not going because I'm not going to have enough money to go and the person (his cousin) he is riding down there with has a pick up truck and there won't be any room for a third person (but I do want to go :o)

A couple months ago I looked at my boyfriends Facebook page and saw that he and some girl (that live in the state of his home town, but not the city) that he went to school with were talking about getting together and watching movies, eating cake and catching up on old times. As a girlfriend not knowing about this, I got upset and assumed that he was making plans to go down there and cheat on me. I confronted this to him. He said that he didn't have plans on doing anything, he was just talking. But it would be nice to see her and all his friends he went to school with. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him being sneaky about it.

So now that he is going to VA at the end of the month I can't help thinking about what I read on his Facebook page. Thoughts run across my mind like, "is he going to go to VA and hook up with one of the girls on his facebook page?", "is he going to go down there and have sex with someone?" etc. I just can't help thinking about it. I want to believe that he won't do anything when he leaves but it's still hard.

Try to find something to ease your mind about it. If you trust him, then you have nothing to worry about. I'm not saying that will stop you from driving yourself crazy... but here is a thought that helps me at times when I have a "moment"...

If someone wants to cheat on you, then they will find a way... and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Yes technically you can physically prevent it, but if someone wants to cheat, they will end up doing it in the long run. I wouldn't say he was being sneaky... I mean he knows you're friends with him on Facebook so you would eventually see their discussion right? By you reacting the way you did shows your boyfriend that you don't trust him, which could be more damaging to your relationship than him catching up with this girl.

Just try to relax and find some peace of mind, learn to not get so stressed over things you have no control over. If you trust him, you should have nothing to worry about.

That makes me feel a little better. I'm not friends with him on Facebook either. He deleted me as his friend like a month ago cause he got mad at me for going through his phone to see his Facebook account. That's how I saw his conversations. So now he won't add me as a friend because of that. I know I was wrong for it, but...

Try not to let a social networking site ruin your relationship, as hard as that may be. He is going back to his hometown... old friends, places, hangouts and the like. I think you are reading too much into this. I also cannot understand how you think he was being sneaky about it. You read his profile which is in PLAIN view to the PUBLIC!

Relax and let things go. Don't let your insecurities bind him down.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

That makes me feel a little better. I'm not friends with him on facebook either. He deleted me as his friend like a month ago cause he got mad at me for going through his phone to see his facebook account. That's how I saw his conversations. So now he wont add me as a friend because of that. I know I was wrong for it, but...

---

Yea you're going to need to settle down a bit... I don't know if you are noticing anything but you are pushing him away with what you are doing. By showing him you don't trust him he will react a certain way (deleting you from his friends). If he started accusing you of being too friendly with other guys, I'm sure it would tick you off after a while. Try to put yourself in his shoes... remember it's both of you in this relationship ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

Try not to let a social networking site ruin your relationship, as hard as that may be. He is going back to his hometown...old friends, places, hangouts and the like. I think you are reading too much into this. I also cannot understand how you think he was being sneaky about it. You read his profile which is in PLAIN view to the PUBLIC!

Relax and let things go. Don't let your insecurities bind him down.

---

You can easily set your profile to private and no one but your friends can see it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

You can easily set your profile to private and no one but your friends can see it.

---

I don't understand your point. I realize you can do this, but I fail to see how a social networking site causes someone to act like an immature, jealous person. Because he was talking to an old friend who was female, he should automatically have to tell his girlfriend about this? Otherwise, it is considered being sneaky?

A few things are off limits to my significant other: my phone and my email. That is private, to me, at least.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

You can easily set your profile to private and no one but your friends can see it.

---

True but in this case she went through his PHONE and looked at his Facebook conversations... just shows a level of distrust that she probably needs to work on.

HotPotato- have you been in a relationship before? And if so, have you been cheated on before? Just a guess, I didn't know if this level of distrust was due to what happened in a previous relationship.

I'm not into the Facebook thing at all, but if your not friends with your boyfriend, what's wrong with that picture? Is it me, or yet another red flag?

It sounds like they were friends, but he deleted her after she started accusing him of things after seeing all the girls he was friends with, talked to, etc.

I just see too much intensity on your part HotPotato... it's like you are waiting for something to happen and you are on the edge of your seat. Try to relax and try not to nitpick everything... otherwise you will keep pushing your boyfriend away.

Yeah your right. How would I relax though?

I keep telling myself that I am relaxed, but then I end up blowing up

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

Yeah your right. How would I relax though?

I keep telling myself that I am relaxed, but then I end up blowing up

---

Try not to obsess over everything so much. Stop worrying so much about HIM and worry about YOU.

I like to think the cure for a "smothering" relationship is kind of taking some NC items and applying them while still in your relationship. Go hang out with your friends, join a gym, join a club. Keeping yourself busy doing things you LOVE will not only make you feel better about yourself, but your boyfriend will actually find you more attractive as well. Think about when you first started dating him... you were probably still doing your own thing and you were happy... try to apply that while still being in a relationship.

I totally understand what you guys are saying. Don't get me wrong, but I'm saying if for some reason her boyfriend has his profile set to private and she's not his friend, then no, she can't see everything so it might not necessarily be in PLAIN view to the PUBLIC. That's all I'm saying. It's quite possible that she can't see his page at all since she's not his friend on there. I would consider that sneaky too. Yes phones and all that are private, I understand that, doesn't change the fact that he could be hiding things. My husband and I each have phones, myspace and Facebook accounts, but neither of us has anything to hide. That is the part, that I don't get.

I've been in a relationship before. I've been cheated on plenty of times actually.

I definitely need to work on my trusting issues but I don't know how to go about doing that.

I'm not saying that he should tell me eveyone that he talks to on Facebook, what I'm saying is that if he is trying to make plans with someone else (another female) don't you think he should tell me that?

I don't want to push him away. If anything I want to make it better for me and him to be together

True Zoe, and I might be wrong in assuming this... but it sounds like she started badgering him about all these girls he is friends with. After a while, it probably got to be too much for him, said "screw it" and deleted her. Nobody likes being accused of cheating, especially on a frequent basis. Being questioned constantly is such a turn-off... it just shows such a high level of distrust.

My guess is since you did look on his Facebook and the only thing you can find was that he was meeting up with an old friend that was a girl... you don't have much to worry about on the cheating department.

You need to learn to trust him and stop accusing him of things... otherwise you need to end the relationship or he eventually will.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

I've been in a relationship before. I've been cheated on plenty of times actually.

I definitly need to work on my trusting issues but I don't know how to go about doing that.

I'm not saying that he should tell me eveyone that he talks to on facebook, what I'm saying is that if he is trying to make plans with someone else (another female) don't you think he should tell me that??

I don't want to push him away. If anything I want to make it better for me and him to be together

---

I would seek professional help to work on your trust issues. I would offer advice but I have some as well (GUILTY as charged)... maybe start a separate thread on this here?

Well tell me this, did you ask him what he's doing when he's going there? Is he meeting up with old friends, etc? A lot of times, stupid things like these slip people's minds, especially if they don't think it's a big deal seeing an old friend. You can't just assume he's going to spit everything out ahead of time that might not sit well with you. And he might not have told you because of what you have done in the past... he might've thought you would react the way you did those other times. You see how damaging accusations can be? I'm not saying it's excusable for him to do so, but until you learn to react a better way to certain situations, he won't be completely open.

Yeah I asked him. He said that he wants to see his mom and his dad. And to take his son to some festival.

I don't know where I would seek help for my trusting issues because I don't have insurance. And most places you have to have insurance to be seen.

The things that you guys are saying are true. My boyfriend doesn't tell me a lot because he knows that I will get mad. And I just get mad because he doesn't tell me certain things. I mean, he does speak his mind if he has something to say.

Are there any workbooks I could work in to cope with trusting issues?

I just want to say something because I think I was misunderstood yesterday. I'm not saying that because maybe the OP might not be able to see her boyfriend's Facebook that it's OK to get on his phone and go through it that way. I think that if you trust someone, that's something that you just don't need to do. So we've established that she doesn't trust her boyfriend. The thing I'd like to add is that if she doesn't trust her boyfriend, that if she's thinking about going through his phone and Facebook, there are more issues than just trust issues. There are also communication issues, because she couldn't just ask him and get the truth. I would think those 2 issues together would be enough to send me packing if I was in this relationship.

To the OP, there are plenty of books and workbooks out there that you can get your hands on. If you and your boyfriend want to work this out, I recommend that. It's going to take a LOT of work, not just from you, but from him too. If he doesn't want to put forth the effort don't waste your time.

Zoe I have to disagree with part of it (I'm sorry!). Well actually I don't disagree just a difference of opinion... she needs to work on herself outside of him. She has driven him to the point where he can't tell her things because of the way she reacts. She overreacts and automatically assumes the worst when she questions something. So yes I will agree with you that communication needs work... but almost all of this starts with her.

If someone were to question everything I did, I would sure as heck be reluctant to tell them every single thing. I'm not saying that is healthy, but I have a feeling that he would probably be a little bit more open if she didn't freak out after something so minor.

I agree that she doesn't trust her boyfriend, but it's not her boyfriend... it's HER. It sounds like it wouldn't matter who she is dating, she can't trust them... and that's what she needs to work on.

Just my opinion though... I'm assuming things so I might very well be wrong :o

I would still apoligize but tell him of the bad day that you were havingand that he cannot be controlling like he was. Also make it a point to say that you can't run that far and just because you are younger that doesn't mean you can run farther. Like a 15 year old can't run a marathon in the olympics like a 30 year old person could. It all depends on the person and he needs to become more understanding.

What if I were to ask him about it and he lies anyway (though I already know what's going on)??

Where can I find these workbooks?