What do I do? I have been following the NC rule like a monk for the past couple of days. I've been going out with friends, focusing on my studies, but every time my phone rings, my heart jumps up to my throat in the hope that my ex is calling. It has only been a few days, so I do not know what to expect. My question is, what happens if my ex calls late at night, especially during the weekends? I go to Uni, and sometimes our standard operating procedure was that we would call each other after going out with friends to hook up. How would I handle the late night ex booty call? My guess would be to ignore it.

And how do you stop thinking about her, or wondering what she is doing? Should I even be this affected by this relationship? I am only 21 years old.

You should definitely IGNORE THE CALL. Don't keep going back to her if you broke up. You should be moving forward not back.

To stop thinking about her, go out with friends, concentrate on work or school, go to the gym, or whatever else to stay busy and keep your mind occupied.

You should not worry about what she is doing, because you are not in her life anymore. You have your own life and need to build it with out her.

Also, a little background. This seems like the fourth time we've broken up or had a major argument in the past 2 months. We now argue all the time. I'm sick of this. It seems like the girl doesn't want a boyfriend at all, but a yo-yo instead. I want to completely heal and move on, and I've made that conscious decision. Sometimes I have moments of weakness and start thinking about her. Another part of me thinks, "Dude, you're only 21. Your life hasn't even started yet".

My friends think I can do better looks-wise, however I am very attached to the way she looks. I also think that they are trying to boost my self-esteem. They do say that she was quite the "little ", treating me like a puppy dog. However, she was the first intense sexual relationship I've had. Granted, I've had flings and hookups, but never in a long-term relationship. My friends joke that I must have been doing something right in bed because she kept coming back to me. I just get the feeling that I'm always a back up plan. I don't want to be "owned" by anyone. I want (and need) to grow a pair and move on.

Rule Number .50 - NEVER talk to your ex right after a break up when you are drunk! NEVER. It will be extremely bad news. What I did, for awhile until I gave her my number, was change my number. For a month I knew there was no way she could get ahold of me, so it took the 'what ifs' right out.

Second question: How do you avoid being "owned" like I was in this relationship? I want to know because I felt like I deserved to be treated with more respect in this relationship.

You and me both man. I think it comes down to just have respect and confidence in yourself. I was 'owned' and really treated like dirt a lot because I didn't think that I deserved her... or that I was lucky to have her, but never did I think she was lucky to have me, until we broke up. It all comes down to how you view yourself.

Turn your phone off.

Especially if you are out with your friends... You don't need to know who is calling you.

Turn it off when you go to bed so you won't get the late night call.

Just turn it off!

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How do you avoid being "owned" like I was in this relationship

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Its real simple fellas, you never put any one on a higher pedestal than yourself. Big mistake to love them, more than you love yourself.

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talaniman; Big mistake to love them, more than you love yourself.

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I always thought the opposite, i thought that love is all about loving someone more than anything and just make sure you know how to balance the two. BUT I guess I was wrong, I didn't do too well balancing and gave a little too much, which left me with a broken heart.

No, it makes sense to me. This all would have been prevented if I had set boundries. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Respect is essential in any relationship: Friendship or otherwise.

And if they don't respect you, why would you want to have them around? In the beginning, I thought she did respect me, but then as time progressed, I handed over the reigns to my life to her. Started doing things because she wanted to. I lost myself. I realized this as soon as I wasn't able to stand arguing with her. I used to be fun and charming. People loved to hang out/drink with me. I let her suck all the good qualities right out of me. But you know what, time is the only real currency in life, and it's not worth going back to this one. I'm 21 years old. Time to live.

My problem that I'm worried about is that I know I'm not entirely there. If I see her around or hear from her, I know I'll self-destruct. It's only been 2-3 days since the breakup. How do I cope? Do I stay away from places where she 'might' be at just to avoid her altogether? I'm not ready to talk to her yet, let alone see her with another guy. Luckily, we share very few mutual friends: My friends think she's a bit of a drag.

Other news: I'm on the crew team and I have a race tomorrow in the bitter, bitter cold. Is there any trick to being able to fall asleep soundly without using pills? I need to finally get a good night's rest in.

Tylenol PM is awesome (yes, I know they are pills, but they are non addictive). At any rate, No Contact means NO CONTACT. You don't so much as look at a picture of her. Avoid ANYWHERE you think she may be. Do this until you are ready to face reality.

She didn't call last night. What does that mean?

Also, is it normal for me to want to go out and have fun to "outdo" the ex? Like have more fun? I know binge drinking and drugs are bad ideas. I wasn't able to go out last night because of the race today, so I kept thinking about her while trying to sleep.

Threads merged

I have been one week no contact so far. Honestly, I expected my ex to call me during the weekend. She didn't. We've been doing the breaking up/getting back together thing, which was very emotionally and physically draining on both of us. However, she would always call me within 3-5 days. I still miss her terribly. Does this mean that she has moved on with her life and that it is over? Is it normal for me to worry about all this in this stage of the breakup?

I'm 21 years old, if that helps. She is 20. Both of us are in Uni.

You need to move on... what she does isn't really important. The poing of no contact isn't to see who wins the battle of wills, it is to get your mind cleared. You guys have no reason to get back together considering your relationship has been built around breaking up and getting back together. That is no recipe for a successful relationship. Keep on with the no contact so you can get over this.

I agree with kctiger... even if she does call you, do you really want to go through this again... and again... and again? This must be your first broken heart and I know it hurts but you need to move on. How long have you and your girlfriend been together? The longer the relationship, the harder to break, the harder it is to move on... maybe tell us a bit more about why you guys broke up?

See from personal experience... I started dating my husband when I was 16. We dated for 6 years before we got married and we broke up a few times too... depending on how serious you guys are and what the circumstances are I can tell you that she could be afraid of her own emotions or that she is just not sure where the relationship will end up. Sometimes it could be she met someone and wants to try them out (on an intellectual base) or maybe you guys don't give each other enough breathing space to allow the relationship to grow. I never realized how many times I broke his heart but I really needed time to digest my own feelings and have some alone time or time with friends... to this day my husband and I are still attached to the hip we always where but not everyone or every relationship is alike. If this is a pattern, she will call you back but I can tell you one thing... being friends is harder then it seems so keep your chin up and let us know a bit more.

Ok: here goes.

We started dating last year, around this time of the year. We even did the long distance thing while we went home for the summer (we live very far away). We came back, and I was very excited to see her, but she was very stand-offish. She said she needed space. After begging and chasing her for a week, I let off and gave her space. She eventually came back (3 weeks or so), saying that she needed the space to "re-adjust" to the new school year, different building she lives in, her new roomates, etc. She was always in contact with me during that time, wanting to come over to "hang out".

After all this blew over, I found out that during the break she hooked up with another person. I didn't know how to feel about this, as I did the same thing, but I always wanted her. I broke it off with her when I found out about it. Then we later (in a matter of days) got back together again.

The cycle continued. She was very stand-offish and had "mysterious" calls in which she would take in private when we would hang out. Also, we would fight a lot. We used to go out together on the weekends, but this time was now dedicated to her friends, which hate me. My friends aren't too fond of my ex either. They think she is playing games with me.

This last breakup was probably for good. She said that this was emotionally and physically draining, to which I agreed. It wasn't fun like it used to be. She also said that what she wanted and what she thought was right were two different things. She said she wanted me, to work things out, but she didn't think there was any hope of that (the yo-yo thing went on for about 3 months.). She said that we've been both trying very hard. I really didn't want to let her go at the time, and I called her back later that night to talk to her about it. She did not change her mind, and I haven't talked to her since. I kind of agree with her "this is the right thing to do", but I just miss her very much.

BTW, we have an english class together next semester. 2 months. Will I be able to pull myself together by then?

Since your 21 let me warn you... DO NOT DRINK AWAY THE PAIN. I use pain for a reason. Break up do hurt. Physically and emotionally. Take this time to reflect what could have gone wrong to cause this. Do not go calling or texting or messaging her. If she comes around deal with it then but do not count on it. Treat it as if it is over. Sometimes it helps to look at it as the person no longer exist. Cherish the memories and Embrace the future.

The above post is right on. The way I look at it, and I have known my ex for five years (dated for four 1/2), she is dead to me. It sounds harsh, but I don't care. I have to do WHATEVER I have to do to heal myself, and that is what matters. Erase her from your life, completely. The relationship (what little there was) is not meant to be right now... or ever.

Awww, long distance relationships never work... well in some rare cases I guess. There is a lot going on then she is telling you, she is seeing someone, her friends are influencing her and she has no emotional reserve left for you. She stated how she felt and honestly loose the pictures, cards, trinkets and phone number/e-mail. Do not respond to her calls... move on and do it whole heartedly because it is your time to internalize and rationalize your emotions. If you guys get back together it will get worse and two months will ease the pain but for a one year relationship I would say about 3 - 4 months but I don't know what kind of a person you are everyone deals with things different. For the times of bordom... those are the times you will reflect the most on your ex so keep busy and try to have fun with your guy friends.

As far as the class goes I'll advise you to attempt to change it if at all possible. Not because you should avoid her and what happened but because it very well could impact your ability to do good in that class.

That is also a very good point. I'll see if I can fanagle it. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can still function and that she will have no impact on the rest of my life. I don't want to "run away" from it all by avoiding events/classes/parties just because I might see her there.

I know that at the beginning stage this avoiding is necessary. I would probably self-destruct if I see her now. Especially if she was with a guy.

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

That is also a very good point. I'll see if I can fanagle it. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can still function and that she will have no impact on the rest of my life. I don't want to "run away" from it all by avoiding events/classes/parties just because I might see her there.

I know that at the beginning stage this avoiding is necessary. I would probably self-destruct if I see her now. Especially if she was with a guy.

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Its not about avoiding her man. If you feel you can function in there with your mind constantly racing about her then go for it. But I know if It were me I'd be curious etc. Don't avoid social events instead you should be doing them more then ever. Its not about adjusting your life to avoid her. Don't. But on the same page don't adjust your schedule to see her.

You need to recover and I bet it will be difficult to do that if she is constantly around you.

What if I sit in the front row so I don't even have to see her?

Also, when do people normally get over the "she hasn't called me stage?" You know, the stage where you wonder what she's doing, who she's with. You check your phone constantly. She conditioned me to expect a call even when we were broken up before.

My friends tell me that she isn't as affected by the breakup as I am, and "moved on" over the weekend (used the euphemism).

BTW, this class would knock out two of my requirements to graduate. I almost have to take this class.

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

BTW, this class would knock out two of my requirements to graduate. I almost have to take this class.

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If you can handle keep going. Still time until that class so if you keep your head up and out of her business you will be fine.

I agree. The reason for my friends telling me this was to give me a wake-up call I think. They see me sulking around and they're like "she's not sulking over you at all. In fact, she's living it up. You should be doing the same".

I think they're right.

Threads merged

Ok, here's the skinny. My ex and I were in the on-again off-again phase in which we couldn't stand each other while we were together earlier this semester. We dated since last year. She started by breaking it off earlier in the year, but then later came back after I laid out NC for awhile. However, it was never the same after the "innocence" of the relationship was lost. It was a "yo-yo" relationship. We fought constantly. She is 19, I am 21. We are both in university. I would describe her as "young and foolish, which makes her easy". However, I still feel that she is one of the more beautiful girls on campus (possible attachment?).

Now to brass tacks: We have been broken up for a little less than a month. Since then, I've been getting involved with Crew (rowing), ballroom dance (3-1 girl/guy ratio), and hanging out with friends/ enjoying college. Girls are now interested in me as I am the funny/outgoing/sometimes crass guy I was before I started dating the ex. I feel like I am making progress towards moving on, but when I find myself alone, especially at night, I get pangs of loneliness and wonder what my ex is up to/ feeling etc. I have passed the angry pissed off stage, and am beginning to truly accept that it is over.

I have an English class with her next semester (January). I plan on taking this class as it fulfills two requirements for me to graduate. I do not wish to drop this course at all. However, I am worried that my performance in the class might suffer with her presence. I plan on sitting in the front row so that I do not have to see her at all. Do any of you have any experience in this situation, or possibly one where you still have to work with your ex? What would you advise me to do in this situation? Thank you for your help.

Learn to focus, and get some clarity as to your public behavior around your ex. Brief, and busy, polite and friendly, about the personal contact. That's always been my view.

Staying busy with your life without her, and time will get you through.

Most of the time what we perceive as a problem, really isn't as bad as our minds make it, so don't worry about January, until you have finished with November, and December.

Ok update: It's been a little more than 3 weeks now of NC. Who would've thought I would have lasted this long? Har har.

Crew has been keeping me busy, 2-a-day practices in the erg room. Rough. But, I'm getting ripped. Not huge ripped, but like a lean, mean greyhound ripped (lightweight).

I have been getting attention from girls, but only from ones that I'm not really interested in. Is this normal to be really picky after a breakup? I don't want a relationship for awhile... need to get my life in order.

I've stopped bugging my friends about the whole ex situation. It is hopeless, and over. I've accepted that. I disclosed what happened to my family after thanksgiving. They said that what happened was that everyone commented on how beautiful the girl was, and I took that as an aspect of myself. That made me put up with a lot of bullstuff near the end. It was probably mostly my fault I got hurt so much near the end.

My ex wished me a happy thanksgiving via text. Twice, as if she wasn't sure if I got the message. I didn't text her back. Did I make a mistake? Text said "I just wanted to say happy thanksgiving." I felt like I did the right thing rather than open up a new can of worms. Been there done that.

Haha so my crazy aunt claimed she can read cards. I love her to death. However, she read my cards over thanksgiving, saying that the ex will not leave me alone for another ten months. Yikes. She isn't really barging down the doors, just the one holiday wish. However, I do have class with her next semester. Plus, there's always christmas and new years. Things could get interesting.

Recently I've been getting pangs of loneliness. Most of the pain is gone, but there are sometimes where I catch myself thinking about her, and wondering if she feels the same way about me. Then I smack myself. All right, so it hurts a little still, but not nearly as much as near the beginning

I just don't want to see her anytime soon. I've been making some pretty good progress lately. This post is more of me venting, but you are more than welcome to give me any insightful advice, as it is always appreciated. Much love, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

~Yoso

Isn't it funny how three weeks can take us from wanting someone to not wanting that pain anymore. Good for you. This is what NC is all about. I also received a Thanksgiving message from my ex... you did good.. no reply... I replied with a little "don't eat too much"... but all is good for both of us.

Those little pains will continue for a while. What's happening is the bad memories are being replaced... of course the remaining pain in your heart will hurt... you'll notice it more. Soon... it too will be gone.

There is nothing wrong with being picky. You have now received your first broken heart... and you now know a little better how to pick better partners. No contact can be a life safer for someone suffering from a broken heart... but they have to suffer through a few weeks of hard times.

Haha ex's will do that. I like your signature by the way. I think that a relationship doesn't have to be successful to be meaningful... i.e. You take out of it what you will. In my relationship, I made the mistake of putting her first in my life. Mistake Realized. Points Lost. But I'm moving on and gaining them back. Good luck to you in getting those "points" back brother.

be the bigger person and find someone else.

I was in a long distance relationship with my first ex whom left me for her "single life" of partying, drinking with friends, finding "new friends", and stupid sh*t. For me, it was REALLY hard to move on and what cycles in my mind is "I will be the one standing strong in the future."

Second ex left me cause her mom didn't approve and she hooked up with another guy who lives in South Carolina.

I took the action and cut all ties with her.

Keep this quote in mind:

"That's one small step for man. That's one giant leap for mankind."

You can choose to be the man for the mankind.

Well, to clarify my relationship wasn't all long distance. We dated about 6 months in college together, lived like 5 min walk away from each other. Then we went separate ways for the summer. We visited each other twice. Then we came back, and that's when started hitting the fan. She wanted her independence. I backed off. She came back. It lasted about a month. On-and-off for another month.

I think it's better to move on than to try to fix something that's inherently broken. She realized that first, and left me in the dust. But I realize now that she is not the one for me, and any more effort and time put into trying to make it work would be a waste. I have stopped trying to rationalize or wonder why. It doesn't really matter at this point, and it only gives me negative emotions. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

I don't hate her, or her sex. I am not a chauvenist, and I do have hope of finding someone in the future. However, I am in no rush. It'll just happen. Until then, I have to become a more balanced person: Academics, fitness, friends, hobbies, etc.

Oh, and she wasn't officially dating someone else on the side when the poop started hitting the fan, but she was "seeing" someone, or "talking", whatever the terminology is. When I found this out, and how much it hurt me, I vowed that I do not want to know anything else about her business. It will only hurt me in the future. It also further cemented the fact that she is not the one for me.

Do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. However, once you get past that, she did me a favor right there. I saw her true colors (just not at the time!). I don't hate her, but I know she's not the one for me.

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

Oh, and she wasn't officially dating someone else on the side when the poop started hitting the fan, but she was "seeing" someone, or "talking", whatever the terminology is. When I found this out, and how much it hurt me, I vowed that I do not want to know anything else about her business. It will only hurt me in the future. It also further cemented the fact that she is not the one for me.

Do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. However, once you get past that, she did me a favor right there. I saw her true colors (just not at the time!). I don't hate her, but I know she's not the one for me.

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I know D:

I think OP was directing that one to me :). Well it appears that you have taken the correct steps and moved forward. I am pleased to hear how well you have been doing and evidently there is some major progress. You sound like such a smart guy and honestly, its her loss... besides you deserve someone who treats you well. You should always put yourself first but still can be considerate and a gentlemen. Women like a man with a sense of dignity, pride, confidence and self respect... and more importantly, a guy that knows what he wants and has the drive to get it.

Best of luck with everything.

True. I made that mistake. In the future, however, things will be different ;). I'm not going to turn into an a**hole like some others do, but I will definitely be more self-aware of my needs and wants. Mistakes are there to educate you... the hard way!

Thank you xoxoaprilwine for your encouragement.

When a girl tells you she needs space, it means it's over! Cut all forms of communication, unless you want more beating from her. Disappear from this girl and move on.