Been with my boyfriend for nealy two years, it was on the rocks at first, as it was my first serious relationship and my boyfriend is 2 and half years older, so I was still at uni and he was in a job, so could not understand my work came first! Anyway, that all got sorted and generally speaking we have had a veryhappy two years... up until recently...

Things are still going fine, I would say 85/90% of the time, but I find myself repeating the same things week after week. Basically he has just started in a job with shift work and is finding it hard, I support him as I should do... but after two whole days off sleep, and I mean like 15+ hours of sleep a day, I would expect him to want to spend his last day off with me, but no he claims he is still too tired.

This leads int o ym complaints, recently I find myself always going to his house as he is too tired to come to me, I find when I get there we both just lie there and watch television, with very little communcation to each other (both our faults) then our sex has decreased on average from around 3/4 times a week to about once maybe 2 at a big push. Then on his days off we plan things, so I get up get myself ready and find that at midday I still haven't heard from him and he is too tired to do anything.

Do not get me wrong, we do occasionally go out for meals, the cinema, he is always up for a night out on his days off, which I find strange, and yes the majority of the time he pays for everything and does the driving, which I thoroughly appreciate and he knows it.

Another thing which happened last night, which is the reason why I have finally come on here for help is that we were about to have sex, I was performing oral sex on him and half way through he just lost his errection, as if he didn't enjoy it and was uninterested.

I find myself week upon week saying these same old things to him, time and tim again and we can have a few good days, maybe a good week, then it all comes tumbling back down to this again with me moaning and then he gets frustrated. My biggest problem though is the fact he can never accept he is in the wrong. All I get back from him is, "you are ruining us, you have become insecure, you always want reassurance and your too hard work!" too which I believe perhaps I am insecure, but its because of what he is doing to me, and he cannot see that, he genuinely believes he is never wrong and that I am always in the wrong and its like talking to a brick wall!

Please does anyone have any advice about anything mentioned above, its becoming desparation now!

Seems like he attacks you with - you - you - you and you this...

Relationships are between two people as far as I'm concerned, and the parties have to make efforts not just one

I also forgot to mention that last week when I got a him for the same things. It all got to me far too much and I said I didn't know what I wanted anymore, then he turned round a bit later and said to me that when I said that he felt no emotion anymore and did feel devastated that it could be over. He also said he used to feel ecstatic about see me, and now its just like its nice but he doesn't feel the way he used too. I am wondering if he is in denial?

I think he lost the love he first had in the relationship with you. I'm going through somewhat of this same problem with my girlfriend. I love her but it seems a passion was gone after she broke up with me and we got back together. His life is work work work and he's trying to put you into it but can't manage it all. I think deep down he wants to be with you but you should talk things out with him and find out what is lying beneath the surface of why he's like this. Try to keep the flame alive don't let it burn out unless you really know you want it to end. You need the relationship to work both ways. One sided relationships never last. Talk to him about it. You need good communication in any relationship.

I do not particularly want to end it, its been 2 years we have talked about a future and unless he cheated on me or we felt together that there were more negatives than positives. I don't see why we should break up, as couples should work through everything good and bad. However I genuinely feel I am getting no where by talking, as it just ends in us rowing and sometimes getting nasty towards each other. I just feel though that its like talking to a brick wall constantly as no matter what I express my feelings, thoughts etc, he still believes he is right and I am wrong. He cannot go that extra mile for me, whereas I go that extra 10 miles for him

Don't be frustrated at working through the process of making the right adjustments. Just learn when to shut up and back off, and give him (and you ) some space to think and ponder.

As long as you give respect and are willing to do what it takes to be happy, you will find resolutions for your problems, eventually.

Us guys are never wrong, ever, but we know females will never believe that, so we just say "yes dear" and give you what you want so you can be happy. He will learn that eventually.

Until then, to move forward, don't push so hard, or loud, as that's so annoying. He knows you think he is wrong but has to protect is male ego, so give him some wiggle room.

Now try to be nice to each other as you both adjust to the realities of real life, because the honeymoon is over.

Also don't take his loss of stiffness personally, he just lost his concentration. It happens when guys are not focused.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

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Us guys are never wrong, ever, but we know females will never believe that, so we just say "yes dear" and give you what you want so you can be happy.

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How are guys never wrong?
I'm not attacking, I'm just curious as to why you would say this. I'm skeptical.

LOL,:D because we're guys, :cool:thought you knew. :eek:

My wife is skeptical too!! :rolleyes:>sigh<, I mean ;)... yes dear!:)

I think that's just the male state of mind, more than actual fact.

:p

Shiftwork is an absolute killer when it comes to relationships.

I have to say that your boyfriend probably is always tired. No sooner does the body get use to doing one shift when suddenly it all turns around and sleep is at a different time of day/night. It really does totally wipe you out.

This pattern will not be corrected by having 15+ hours sleep as you stated,it would take at least 2 weeks of a continual pattern of sleep that is always the same i.e.. Up during the day, sleep during the night etc...

Depending on what shifts your boyfriend does, means the body could take months before it ajusts fully... some never do, and end up having to leave their job.

If he is to tired to come to your house, then obviously he is to tired to entertain you at his,which then causes upset, you should stay away on his day off, maybe just talk on the phone.
Give him some free time to do his own thing, you do the same.

His tiredness will affect all aspects of his life including his sexual drive, so don't take it personally.

You need to reign your frustration in a bit, I am sure he would much preferr to be the life and soul right now instead of feeling totally wiped out, the more you nag and moan at him the more he will be thinking... this I can do without,ending up with him maybe pushing you away.

Make light of this situation, tell him you understand that he is tired, you don't mean to nag, it's just that you miss his closeness.
Tell him that you'll give him a break for a while which will enable him to catch up on some much needed sleep and that you'll have a few nights out with the girls or go to your mums or what ever springs to mind.

I am sure if you stick to your word, wait for him to phone you, it will bring you closer together.

At this moment there's too much pressure, something or someone has to give,if you want this relationship to survive.

thanks to all for help. I will be glad to tell you things seem to be back on track, and not argued in a good few days, I have given him nap times, and then seen him for an hour etc etc =)

Threads merged

Hi, I have just recently posted a message on here, about something different, so instead of asking on there, I thought it would be easier to write a new post.

My lost post was about signs my boyfriend was giving off, and after a chat and compromising we are working through things, to get the relationship back to what it was. I still have a very big issue though, that I think needs addressing, as again its something I nag him about, and I don't think he is very fond of it.

Basically I do not want abusive answers saying "he deserves better" "you are a moaner" "if you can't trust someone don't be with him" etc etc. I feel this is an issue and I would like to address it in an adult manor, with people trying to help me and see from my point of view...

We have had a very happy 2 years on the whole, and whenever we can we spend time together, which is always good and we still never tire of each other company day after day. We do have a slight trust issue though, when it comes to being apart. For example if he wants to go out with mates, I worry and vice versa. Neither of us have ever doen anything for us to doubt trust in each other, although we seem to do anyway and I will opnely admit my fear is worse than his.

I will explain exactly what goes through my mind... so he says he is going on a night out with mates. Firstly he acts totally different around me to mates, which is expected, but his is a bit extreme, he totally changes everything about him. He tries to be cool, copies his mates, puts on acts that he is really hard and can drink loads (when he cannot handle alcohol at all). So for starters this worries me, as his mates do not have girlfriends and go round on nights out chasing girls, so if my boyfriend is easily influenced by them, which he is... does he copy them? Chatting up girls etc?

Secondly even when we go out together he openly looks at other girls up and down, and that is when I am with him... so what is he like when I am not there?

Thirdly, he really doesn't know when enough is enough on the alcohol front, and he spends the following day being sick and moody with me, which obviously is not nice for me. I also worry if he is out of control and not a clue what he is getting up to and easily influenced then does he cheat on me?

These questions will not leave my mind. The reason I post this now is because it is my 21st night out this Saturday with my girl mates, and I asked him to go out with his lad mates so we could meet up, have photos etc, as obviously it's a very special occasion for me. Now one of his girl mates is leaving the country so she is having a leaving do else where from my town where I am going out and asked him to. So he would rather go to that than be at my 21st night out. I understand his mates are going to that and I am out with my girl mates, but I am a bit upset by it, plus he will be in a huge city away from me, getting stupidly drunk, surrounded by girls at the party and girls not at the party and I just do not want it to spoil my night. This effects me so much that I feel sick for days before and don't eat, purely because I could not bare it if he cheated on me, or dumped me. I know he would not be worth it if he did, but how would I ever know?

Please can I have advice only, I really need it, it's a serious issue, I know I sound stupid, immature, and a control freak, but without ADVICE I can't do anything about it...

OK,have you tried to figure out whare your insecurity comes from?

have you been cheated on in the past?

perhaps one of your parents cheated?

I understand that you love him very much,and the fear of losing him is great... its easy for me to sit here and say you just have to have some faith in your relationship... ill give you an example... my own boyfriend has a panchant for tall leggy blondes,I'm medium height and a red head... he goes out with his friends,some single some married,they have a few drinks and they love the craic... I have no doubt that should a tall leggy blonde past his way,that his tongue won't be wagging like a cartoon character... if she stopped to talk to him he would probably fall down in a heap on the floor...

does it bother me.. no.

ill tell you why... because we talk,about all sorts,and I know him,and I know how he feels about me.

at some point in your relationship,you are going to have to trust that your boyfriend loves you,and won't make a mistake,and values your relationship more then a quickie with a random stranger..

find out where your insecurity stems from,that's where you will find your answer... and talk talk talk to your boyfriend.

Thanks for advice. The strange thing is, I have absolutely know idea. The only thing that has even happened to me is that I was lied to by my best friend for weeks before she totally avoided me, when at was at high school. I then got bullied a year later but some different girls. But I feel I have got over that maybe, maybe deep down I haven't and that's the problem, but I doubt it.
I genuinely think the fear may come from me asking myself too many questions like what if..? All the time. As I said I would be heartbroken if I found out he had cheated, but I think it worries me more that he could cheat and just never tell me?

My only other solution was that his first serious relationship of 3 and half years... well he kissed two girls at uni whilst he was with her. I think this could be the issue come to think of it, but he claims it only happened because it was right at the end of their relationship they both knew it was over, both were not happy, didn't see each other for a few weeks on end, but neither wanted to officially call it quits... hence he kissed two girls, which yes is still wrong, but he said that's the only reason. He claims he is happy with me, and he always says lovely things, like our relationship means everything and without me life is not worth living. He also says he loves me with all his heart and always will do, and he is the luckiest man alive, and I am always in his thoughts and heart even when we are apart... yet all these nice things and I still worry?

Have you ever heard of positive thinking?

And turning your thoughts into reality...

Do you picture the whole scene,him having a few drinks,chatting to a girl and actually see them in your head kissing,and seeing the images of your reaction when he tells?

I'm betting yes.

This is enforcing the insecurity of what might happen,hence your worry and panic and fear..

Your need to change the way you think about the situation... see having a good time and coming home to you,happy to see you... see that,every time you think about him cheating,stop.. and change the image.


About your school,bullying can have a lifelong effect on people,particularly if it happens within your formative years,it may be of some help to talk about it with someone you trust..

One more thing,don't let what happened in his past relationship tarnish what you have now.. dont punish him,even with your thoughts.. whats done is done..

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. I feel this is an issue and I would like to address it in an adult manor, with people trying to help me and see from my point of view...

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First of there is no need to start another thread about the same person.

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Thirdly, he really doesn't know when enough is enough on the alcohol front, and he spends the following day being sick and moody with me, which obviously is not nice for me. I also worry if he is out of control and not a clue what he is getting up to and easily influenced then does he cheat on me?

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About your boyfriend, it seems his drinking is what is making you insecure, and its magnified greatly by your worries about his actions while under the influence.

He may have a problem he needs help with, so educate yourself to the dangers of drinking, and how to deal with someone with drinking problem. That would be the mature adult way to handle it rather than putting the pressure on yourself.

At least you would get the facts to make a good decision for yourself.

My boyfriend of 3 years, who has never previoulsy given me reasons to doubt him, despite being slightly flirtacious which I have chosen to accept as a characteristic of him... he went out with mates last night. First text I got from him this morning

"do you have black tights?"
My reply - yes why
"you should wear them tonight with the black dress"

We are going out tonight, for a friends birthday... my immediate reaction was he saw a girl last night in a black dress and tights and thought hmmmm she is nice.

Basically I asked him I got the subject changed, so I asked him again, his response was I see it a lot and like it very much.

Now is this just me, or would you be really annoyed by this? So he is quite flirty, did he grope her bum? Chat her up? What's bugging me is, why is he even thinking about that girl first thing this morning?

A friend says she would feel outraged as well, but I just don't know whether taking it too seriously? I feel he is trying to make something I'm not, but choosing what he likes in other girls, then my opinion to that is, if I'm not good enough, go and have one, but then I would be devastated

Help, thanks!!

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think he just saw a sexy outfit he liked and wants you to wear it.

You're looking into this way to far. He is still allowed to look and recognize beauty. He probably saw a girl wearing an outfit he thought was very flattering and was imagining you in it.

Men like sexy things. Chances are he saw it on the girl but was fantasizing you were the girl instead, but wearing those same clothes.

Flirting does not necessarily mean cheating either. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss what is acceptable or not in terms of flirting/cheating.

I think you're reading far too much into this! It sounds to me like he wants to show you off, and you'd look good in a black dress and black tights.

If you don't like it, wear a red dress and green tights and orange shoes.

Go out and have fun- he's taking you out not someone else. I think your friend's comment about this being 'outrageous', is outrageous!

I wouldn't read into and jump to conclusions. I honestly think it's a innocent. Probably saw a female with the black dress and tights and thought it was nice. He probably thinks you would look nice . So make him happy and wear it. You have nothing too lose.

This must be the guy from your 2009 threads.

It seems its more to do with your own insecurities than anything else.

There is nothing wrong with what he said,so I think you are overreacting.

I ,too,find your friends comment out of order.

Boy, you seem to get quite carried away without any facts, and to make it worse, you convince yourself its okay to be mad about it. That's outrageous, so stop it!

Thanks for your help guys... we have disucussed it, and he made is point clear, and we have sorted things. After a calm down, I agreed I took it a bit far, but perhaps first thing before hello was not appropriate!

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. All is generally spot on, and since my last post things have improved drastically until recently...

He still works shifts, and we manage great as I am still a student, so any spare time I do my work, or see my friends. My main issue now is that my boyfriend is just so weak. Everything is an effort, he's always tired, always run down, always saying he feels emotionally weak and drained.

Don't get me wrong, I am sure many would agree shift work is a killer etc. I wouldn't mind, but if he's on nights he sleeps on and off from 8am to 6pm, which is double the amount of sleep I get in any one night.

I just feel like it's a constant battle, as yes I get tired, I have tonnes of work for my MSc, I have many sleepless nights and I just PLOD ON with life. It just annoys me that he cannot do the same! I sometimes feel like he brings me down with me, in the sense that he never seems to be happy, always moaning, always going on about how weak he is etc. I sort of feel as if I'm dating a pathetic female at times, its that's bad. He just doesn't act manly about this situation at all.

I love him to pieces and I try to keep him positive, try to subtly say well you have had a decent sleep. Tell him to keep going, encourage him, praise him all the time. However he just reverts back to his miserable old self.

I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. If I tell him how I feel I just get a mouthful on how I don't realise how bad shift work is, and how I am unsupportive etc etc. What worries me is if we were to have kids in the distance future (not plans now! ) then how would he ever cope then? I don't want to finish him, but I don't want to drag myself down so low either, but its mentally effecting me, in the sense that I can't be all happy happy when he is so down and low?

Logically, the only two possibilities are he gets another job that won't turn him into such a buzzkill, or you move on.

Would you say the fact that your in a Masters program and the work you put into it while still keeping a positive attitude is causing you to have a prejudiced opinion of your boyfriend?

Not everyone can take on the same load and carry it all the same...
He just might not be able to take on as much as you can...

Its not a huge problem, stick it out without complaining, people go through times like this...
I bet he will get over it in due time.

Just remain supportive and not criticize because criticizing his behavior won't solve anything.

After merging your threads are we seeing a pattern? When things go less than great you get emotionally carried away, and somehow take things a bit to personal. Maybe your workload, fears and insecurities combine to stress you out, and see things in the worse possible light. How you cope with the valleys of life is as important as enjoying the high points, but personal stress relief is what you seem to need as stress brings out some bad traits in you.

Its does us all that way, but as we get older we cope with our stresses with more effective means. Find one that works for you. Google personal stress relief.

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fuzzypeach101 finds this helpful : I admit, as mentioned above I do stress, but I certainly don't take it out on my boyfriend the way he takes his out on me. I think I'm thinking more long term and the impacts of his 10+ hours sleep (and still being tired) and the consequences this would have on the future.

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Deal with YOUR stress first, and maybe you will see a way to deal with his grumpy whiny self. He is who he is, you can't change him, but you can deal with him. If NOT, then you have no future. That's your key though, the way you deal with him. He is who he is, and if he needs to vent to feel better, why take it personally, or even feel bad?

He is working, and you are working on your masters degree, he leaves for work, you are home working. He has responsibility for house, and home and it can't be bad if you can go to school, and progress your future. I assume you have no job, and correct me if I am wrong, but it seems you could be grateful for the chance to focus, on school, while he works for you both.

My whole point is that you can make choices, and make adjustments, that benefit you both, in the way you deal with each other, recognizing that you can't adjust him, only yourself. If he chooses to be grumpy, and negative, and tired and weak, do you have to be? If you don't want to give him compliments, and reassurances, then don't, if he brings you down, if you cannot work on these areas through communications, then what's the point? Why be miserable.

No you don't understand his feelings, maybe not now, but if you don't want to find out what makes him tick, then you will never know. That would be love, being willing to work to meet challenges. This is but the first hard one that needs a solution, and it will take time.

Will he be on shift work forever? I doubt it, but know from experience it may take years to make the right adjustments for you both to deal with. For now just handle your own stress, and keep talking, and looking for a solution that works, and you will eventually find one, but don't be discouraged because you haven't yet. That's what defines a committed couple, do they quit in the middle of adversity? Or does adversity make them more determined to stick by each other.