Ask Me Help Desk - I can't trust my girlfriend.

Ok some may remember me while others won't. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now. We broke up after two and then got back together. Well I am 24 and she is 23.
The day before yesterday I had time to spend with my girlfriend because I was working all week. We had a great time and I was so happy.
Later that day I was on my way to work and I called her and she rushed me off because she had to sleep and she was tired. So I said okay and I let her go. Right before I went into work I called to say I love you because I was going to work from 12 midnight to 8 AM. When I called, she answered her phone by mistake and I heard a club scene in the background really loud with people talking. It lasted about 12 seconds and then it hung up. She didn't know she answered but I was shocked because she was out while I thought she was sleeping. The fact that she rushed me off to go to sleep and I believed it somehow kills me and destroyed my trust.
So I kept calling and texting back and finally she answered and I'm guessing she took a while because she had to leave the club to speak. She tells me she is in her friends car and so I told her to prove it and she did. She says that her friend was sad and they went to talk and they are at a store. Well we got off the phone as I had to get to work. While I was at work I called and called and text and text. She didn't call me back till 5 am!
She says she was driving around and walking at a park talking to her friend and got home at 3 am but slept and then called me at 5 because she was mad that I asked so many questions and was angry.
Well my problem is that I feel she took advantage of me going to work and then she lied to me about sleeping and decided to go out. That really hurt me so much. Then I caught her at a club scene and she denies it but yet from 12 to 5 am she doesn't answer my calls. If she was really driving or walking and talking she could have answered to speak to me. We never ignore each other for that long which leads me to believe she was partying.

Additiona Info... She lied to me. She told me shw was going to send me sexy pics and then she didn't because she said she was too tired and lying down... yet she can go out till 3 am she says? I feel so sad, mad, and hurt. We had a great day and she even sent me two pics of myself and said she loves me and misses me just before she did all this.

Trust should be one of the most important things in a relationship. If you can't trust her, move on to someone else who you can trust.

Are you willing to leave her?

There must be something else going on between you two.

Has she done other things?

If she told you she wanted to go out to a club with friends, what would be your response?

People involved in relationships NEED to go ouy with their friends, away from their partners.

Girls and guys alike, need to go out and have a good time alone. We all need to feel attractive to other people. As long as it's just innocent fun.

Did she feel like she had to be dishonest to you?

Are you a jealous person?

Wow... you ask very good questions with great points. I am a jealous person and in a way I do believe she had to be dishonest with me. But then again she is the same way. She would be upset if I went out alone as well. It has been an issue before. I think we both have to sneak in order to hang out alone with others but it still hurt me that she lied ti me and said she was going to sleep. It's a smack in the face. I would be a bit upset if she was going out to a bar or club without me. I wouldn't go to one without her so why would she? Why dance with others when we have each other?

Why lie? Because she has a jealous boyfriend. Why dance with other guys at a club? 'cause she can't dance with you while you're working. She might have something else going on. If you don't like her behavior, don't text or call, meet up with her face to face and tell her how you feel.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

wow...you ask very good questions with great points. I am a jealous person and in a way I do believe she had to be dishonest with me. But then again she is the same way. she would be upset if I went out alone as well. it has been an issue before. I think we both have to sneak in order to hang out alone with others but it still hurt me that she lied ti me and said she was going to sleep. its a smack in the face. I would be a bit upset if she was going out to a bar or club without me. I wouldn't go to one without her so why wud she? why dance with others when we have each other?

"What's good for the goose, is good for the gander".

You can't have it one sided.

You can't get mad at her for something you do yourself.

Once you get past the jealous, petty, behavior( both of you), you'll be able to have a meaningful relationship.

Until then, you're just playing games.

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same messages back n went to a bar n all. Now she is mad at me.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same exact messages back n went to a bar n all. now she is mad at me.

Well we all know how this is going to end. When you two break up and end up pissed at each other, you'll have time to focus on growing up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by emopunk7

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same exact messages back n went to a bar n all. now she is mad at me.

That's just childish , stop playing games and Communicate with each other. You'd have thought after being together for this long you could at least do that.

I'm going to be a bit harsh but you need to get more confidence in yourself. First of all 4 years is a long time and if you can't trust you may as well break up right now. Secondly, you are assuming too much when you don't really have any proofs, you only had hints. Thirdly, playing games is only for kids, you are an adult right now, act like it.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but if you really love her you would have an adult conversation with her and not play games. We sometimes want to, but we have to be the better and wiser person.

Hi again Eguy, long time no hear from.

To your question, the others are right, your both playing games with each other instead of talking, and being honest.

Why feed into your bad points, when you both could be learning to let go of the jealousy, the unrealistic expectations you have with each other, and high school games, and enjoy being apart sometimes.

Then you wouldn't have to be mad, and the trust issue could be put to rest.

You both have to lie to get some space, and freedom, from each other, when it doesn't have to be that way.

Let the emotional dust settle, and talk about it.

Thanks everyone. I will talk to her in a few days. Too much stress right now. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I felt that if I didn't do it back to her and let it go, like in the past, it would just happen again. So this was my last hope to see if she would learn by feeling how I have been feeling and then when we talk she can finally understand. Only thing I could think of as talking before was no use.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Thanx everyone. I will talk to her in a few days. Too much stress right now. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I felt that if I didn't do it back to her and let it go, like in the past, it wud just happen again. So this was my last hope to see if she wud learn by feeling how I have been feeling and then when we talk she can finally understand. Only thing I could think of as talking before was no use.

If the pair of you can't talk/communicate then your both in for a long ride and a lot of heartache , come on your not teenagers anymore :rolleyes:

Well she hasn't called yet. Do you think it is possible that she really went out behind my back because I'm so jealous? Isn't that wrong of her, anyway? Plus we had such a great day... why would she do that?

I agree with all the above. I will, however, extend SOME sympathy/understanding about finding out she was out and not disclosing that info.

I'd definetely NOT have said "prove it", that just shows exactly what you were thinking and does bring out the jealous, controlling side to it. She may conclude that she was right in not telling you she went out for fear of how you'd respond, you only confirmed it by the way you acted.

Again, I do see your side, I do understand that something like this can creep in your head and stay there, but dealing with it shouldbe priority one. You don't even need her to deal with it, apologize for your behaviour and let it go. If this is enough to start a fight or break up than look out man, the future ain't so bright.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Well she hasn't called yet. Do you think it is possible that she really went out behind my back because I'm so jealous? Isn't that wrong of her, anyway? Plus we had such a great day...why would she do that?

The others have already given you some great advice. But I would like to add a few observations.

1) You seem somewhat needy. This ties into your jealousy. Seems like you need to keep a tab on where she is and what she's doing. There's no privacy or space between the two of you. You got to allow each other to live your own lives.

2) If you can't let her live her life without feeling jealous or mistrust, then why date at all? In any relationship, you need a certain level of trust and space to keep things healthy. Otherwise you're just suffocating each other.

3) Though she might be contributing to your feelings of jealousy and mistrust, a lot of issues also stem from within. You should spend some time away from her to work on your personal issues. You need to build more self-esteem and confidence. You have too many insecurity issues, which are overflowing onto her.

4) Because you are so insecure about yourself, you feel like she's going to drift away. Think about it this way, if you were confident about the way you treated her, then you wouldn't fear as much about her leaving her or doing things behind your back. Another way to look at it is, you treat her well and she should treat you well. If she doesn't, then that's her problem and she's not the right person for you.

Feelings can't be forced, they have to come naturally, and relationships take hard work. So you need a combination of both to have a strong relationship.

How can I not be jealous? I always worry if she is smoking with guys, and if she is getting a ride home from work by a guy. I will worry a lot if she goes to a bar or club cause she will dance sexually as all girls do and get drunk and not know what she is doing. Its so hard! What do I do?

Answers? Anyone?

I think you need to work on your jealousy and trust issues-you can't let this run your life-and the way things are now your relationship s not healthy.

You cannot control what she does. I will give you my personal example. I trusted my ex with all my heart, I let her party, drink, smoke, dance with guys, go on road trip with other guys and girls... she would party very often. In the end of our 3 years relationship she cheated on me. I never felt remorse of not trusting her. I feel proud of myself that I was able to trust her completely and I will keep that trust to the other person whom I will date. If she cheats on me, then it is her decision and she is hurting herself. I will be without remorse.

If you don't trust her, this relationship will not last long. Either you trust her or you break up.

We can see that she contributed to making you feel insecure, which leads you to feel jealous.

However, jealous starts from within. It also has a lot to do with trust. When my girlfriend goes out with her friends, I trust her enough that I won't worry about other guys hitting on her. Your girlfriend is going to do whatever she wants. You can't force her to stop being herself and doing the things that she enjoys. That would be controlling on your part.

What you can control is the way YOU react to her actions. Ask yourself, do you trust her? If you do, then let her do her thing and you do your thing. If you can't find it in yourself to trust her, then you have much bigger issues than jealousy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by emopunk7

Well it is hard for me to trust. I should tell you that I paid her back yesterday. I acted very nice the same way she did n then I did exactly to the last detail everything she did to me. I sent the same exact messages back n went to a bar n all. now she is mad at me.

Well no S*** she's mad at you. Revenge is the LAST thing you want to do if you're trying to have a meaningful relationship. Communicate, don't play games. What a stupid thing to do.

Well I told her I'm sorry and that I feel this is all my fault for not trusting her. I will try harder and all. She text back that she needs time to get unpissed. So what do you think now?

Well it's great! You are behaving the way you should. Communication is the key.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

She text back that she needs time to get unpissed. So what do you think now?

So do as she asks and leave her alone while she gets unp*ssed. I wouldn't want to be around for that anyway.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Well I told her im sorry and that i feel this is all my fault for not trusting her. I will try harder and all. She text back that she needs time to get unpissed. So what do you think now?

I'd need some time too. At least you apologized. Think next time before you act. Usually people just jump into action just because they have a certain emotion, yet they do not think about why they are having that emotion anyway. You can be pissed if you want, but how you deal with it is what's important. Give her space.

Thank you. Do you think she will dump me or would she have done it by now? Can I send her a text tonight around 9 saying I miss you?

I wouldn't, I would leave her alone for a few days at the least.

Yeah back off, it's all up in the air right now. Don't fuel the fire.

An apology is nice, now the right thing to do is honor her request.
In the meantime while she is getting unp*ssed, spend sometime focusing on your issues.
You can not control whether someone will cheat on you, but after four years, this girl deserves some respect for being faithful.
If you are so busy chasing her around so that no one swoops in on 'your property', you are going to end up pushing this girl out of your life for good.
With honest communication, without the games, you can help build a foundation of trust, so that she is hiding things from you and you aren't overreacting at every insecure feeling you have.
She knows where you stand, let her contact you next, fight your insecurity and start thinking about ways you can feel better and work better in this relationship.

I really miss her... what if she is waiting for me to send her a message?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I really miss her...what if she is waiting for me to send her a message?

She'll send you one when she's ready , don't push her.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I really miss her...what if she is waiting for me to send her a message?

If she wanted to talk to you, she would contact you. You don't need to guess how she's feeling.

Spend some time doing your own thing. Don't wait by the phone for her either.

Ooops I sent her a message saying "i miss you!" that's it. I had to... its a feeling thing. After I said sorry she said she needs time to get unpissed and after that I sent 3 texts asking y she did that... so I felt since I didn't speak to her all day an ending as an aftertaste saying I miss you wouldn't hurt.

Don't say "oops" You don't feel bad about it. You're trying to get her attention, give her space.

No message back from her. I guess she is out doing whatever she wants while I'm here!

All right well Don't just sit there being un productive, do something, clean your room, wash your car, rent a movie, chill with the dudes, whatever! Just don't sit around waiting for her to call. You have a cell phone, if you keep it with you, she'll be able to contact you whenever she feels ready.

OK... thanx... im just scared she will call and say its over.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

ok...thanx...im just scared she will call and say its over.

No point worrying about something that's speculation and you don't have any control over anyway. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

no message back from her. I guess she is out doing whatever she wants while I'm here!

She could be in doing whatever she wants which appears to be ignoring you.

Give her space to think or forget about the relationship.

You are showing that you are insensitive to her needs, wants and desires. If you ignore her wishes, why should she pay any attention to yours?

Give her space to think.

If you don't then you might as well forget about the relationship because you will have pushed her away.