Hi, Just need a little advice please...

My relationship with my fiancé has ended after 3 years a couple of months ago. I will start from the beginning. I met her when I was 23, she was 17, I did not know if it would work to start with as she wanted to finish it after 4 weeks of dating. She then asked me back on the same day after I said I was O.K. with it but kind of disappointed. I took her back and then continued dating, having fun and it was a good relationship and we did many things together. She then broke up with me again 18 months later claiming she wanted to be free and single again and that she missed going out with her friends and the 'it's not you, it's me' quote. I was very hurt by this as by this point, I knew I was in love with her and the relationship had grown very serious. I accepted the breakup after some begging to her to give it a second chance. I had never done anything wrong but care for her. After 5 or 6 days after she knew I accepted it, her mum rang me up saying she was breaking down in tears saying she hated herself and that she missed me and wanted me back. I took her back... I loved her. Four months later we got engaged and she was adamant she wanted to marry me, I wanted to take things slowly but agreed that since I loved her, why wait... We got enagaged in December 2005... 3 weeks ago, she met up with one of her female friends who she had not heard from for a while and went out with her for the weekend. She then rang me up on the Monday after saying she wanted to finish the relationship as she did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me anymore. I could not believe it, she said this last time. A few days later, I went to see her face to face and she told me the same... I broke down in tears as she told me. I asked her if there was someone else but she said "no...I just want to be on my own" and told me to find someone better than her. She then gave me the engagement ring I asked for back and said "I just think we should leave it for a while" What did that mean?? I said "no, leave it forever" and she seemed to not like me saying that. I can't help but think that her friend has misled her or manipulated her into this decision and maybe said something like, "being single is better". I have since spoke to her mum who says she is not seeing anyone else but around her friends house every night. I tried some contact but she does not want to know. I have now decided to end all contact... I still hope that she will come back... I think where I may have gone wrong this time is that I showed her that I did not want to break up with her this time and it has been 2 months now and she has not contacted me. I love her so much but I am broken hearted by what she has put me through...

I just wanted to add that she is now 20, and I am 26, this was her first real relationship. Some friends have told me that she may miss single life and wants to experiment... This hurts but sounds possible.. She did says to her mum that she met me too young... I am hurting like hell over this, does anyone think I will get her back and is no contact the best way?
Sorry for rambling on in here...
Please can someone help me understand this?

She obviously doesn't know what she wants and is therefore a bad candidate for marriage. You're actually fortunate to be rid of her. She may feel that she never had a chance to "sow her wild oats" and that could have been a mitigating factor. That's purely a subjective feeling in my opinion. I really don't think that a young person misses out on anything by not "sowing their wild oats." I've been there and believe me, it's nothing to write home about. Frankly, for me, I think it was just a way to rationalize my loneliness. She'll probably have her regrets. Meanwhile, you just have to pack up and move on and build a life without her. Look at this as an opportunity to start anew.

For your own sake the no contact is the way to heal and time will put things in a better prospective. She is at a different maturity level than you are and you should move on without her.

She is way too young to even get married... trust me you don't want to marry a gil that is doing this right now, because she ll probably end up cheating on you if you get married... I believe every person needs to get the whole party have fun be single kinds thing at some point or another.. she obviously hasn't gotten it out of her system yet...
U shouldn't have to deal with this right now... I know its hard to cut all contact( believe me I know... ) but as time goes by ill get easier and ull meet the person that is in the same mental place as u...
Good luck

People who are not ready aren't inherently wrong, they're just not a good fit with someone who is. I don't see her as relationship material, let alone marriage. It may have to do with age, and it may not. Lots of factors there.

I once had to move on from someone too and it WAS hard. After you get left, in a way you have to "leave too" --like it or not. I moved on knowing that by the time he might come to his senses, I would be too far past the "get back together" stage or (if he really waited a long time) even involved with someone else. It was hard but it was doable and so I did. Turned out I was involved with someone else LOL and to make it really humbling, fourteen years had passed. Gawd.

You won't always feel like this, Geoff.

She's ONLY 20 - forget it. Way too young. Women really should not get married until at least age 25.

Seems like you're WAY to forgiving to me - from what you've said you seem like her doormat where she can come and go.

I bet $1 million you're not ready to get married either.

I'd leave her a lone and move on.

Thanks for the replies... I agree Wildcat, she is probably too young for Marriage but I never intended to rush things, it was her that pushed us into getting engaged.. I was happy to take things slowly because of her age but at the same time, I did not want her to think I did not want commitment because I did love her. In the back of my mind though, I had my doubts about her because she used to hint that she missed being single... I think the engagement to her was more about showing off and having an engagement party and a nice ring on her finger... They say love is blind, well I was definitely blind on this one... Most family and friends said it would not last, I thought they were wrong but I was wrong... And if she ever did come back, how could I forgive her and even build up that trust again... + as you say, I would be a doormat, she would not respect me, so even though deep down, I would want her back, the reality is that it probably would not work and I suppose I would be setting myself up for getting hurt all over again.

Learn from this - move on. She's a user.

If you leave her alone I bet she tests you again and calls. But, I'd leave her alone for like 5 years. She's WAY too imature to understand what a marriage was - she'd get bored and cheat on you.

Hi Wildcat,

Are you saying that if I don't contact her, she may try to test me by seeing if I want her back and then reject me again. Do you think it would be unwise to wait for her?

i.e quoting the doormat phrase, that is what I would be to her if I waited

I'm not Wildcat but I am up early so here's my 2 cents

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Are you saying that if I don't contact her, she may try to test me by seeing if I want her back and then reject me again

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Yes is your answer and you must stick to your guns and not be led astray by her. Do not let her stop your healing. She is too immature.
Example-She calls to see if you want to be friends , but no she isn't ready for a relationship..

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Do you think it would be unwise to wait for her?

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It would be dumb to stop ones own progress to wait for someone who doesn't know what they want. Stay on your own course and get a life without her.

If most of your family and friends felt it would not last, they may have seen something in your relationship that you did not. A 6 year difference in ages may not seem like much a little later in life but at 17 and 23, it is a big difference. What did you do from age 17 to 23? She wants to hang with her friends and have fun. On the other hand she broke up with you often, that could have ben immaturity and it could be a pattern that will follow her through life. I would not wait for her. It has been 2 months since you heard from her. You are in a different spot in life and start a new life. Life is too short to waste any of it waiting for someone who may or may not come back and then may or may not leave again. Relationships are a lot of work without that being the root.

Hi Talaniman,

Just a quick question, appreciate all your advice. From the last post, are you saying it is best that if she did contact me to ask for friendship, I should basically not allow her back into my life at all. I don't think friendship with an ex would work but I guess if she was testing me , she would be attempting to fish to see if I still had feelings or if I had moved on...

Hurts like hell but I think that from all the advice I am given, it is best to forget her and move on for good. I just have this weird feeling that she wants me on the backburnr so to speak while she has her fun... Like when she said, "I think we should leave it for a while" when we first broke up.

What do you think this means? Or am I searching for hidden meanings that really are not there?

I understand your confusion and rather than try to explain someone else's motivations embark on your own plan that doesn't include her. Things will be clearer with the passage of time and you work on yourself!

This is not Tal, but I think you are right, she wants you on the back burner for security for when she might want to come back or if things do not work out with what she is doing now. She may be dating someone without her mom knowing. Some can remain friends, but in your case where you still care so much for her, I would not. Maybe down the road you could be, but for now just move on away from her.

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Originally Posted by K_3

This is not Tal, but I think you are right, she wants you on the back burner for security for when she might want to come back or if things do not work out with what she is doing now. She may be dating someone without her mom knowing.

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Also, if she wanted to get back with me if things did not work out whether it be with a new man or with her single life, I would always be second best because she felt that the grass was greener on the other side when she left.

Never, never be plan B. They WILL take yo ufor granted. No respect for you. They will cheat or leave again.

Hi Wildcat,

I read this below on another website: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43164/

All about no contact and it says that no contact should not be seen as a way to get an ex back. Do you agree or disagree with the thread below.. This is not mine by the way, I copied and pasted it from the website above just to get your viewpoint on it. Any other views would be appreciated.
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To me, "No Contact" is what ought to happen after a relationship is already over. I agree in that communication is a very essential part of any relationship. When a relationship ends, however, I think it is best for both parties to discontinue speaking with one another.

In my experiences, I have learned that what works best for me is to quit talking to, going near, or associating in any way with someone who suddenly becomes an ex. Perhaps a few months later the person might say hello, and a year down the line we can be friends, but there has to be a lot of time apart. "No contact" helps the healing process, and prevents anything more icky from developing out of the break up. Some people try to view the no contact thing as a way to win an ex back, but that is completely wrong.

While in a relationship, I think it is important to retain a certain amount of personal space and "alone time", but communication should never be discontinued. When a relationship is over, however, the two people do not really have any business speaking to one another for quite some time, if they are going to speak to one another ever again that is.

I don't completely agree - but NO CONTACT is for you to work on yourself. Be come strong again. Get you power back. Get over them - the only way to get them back is get over them. Get your balls - get yourself ready to go date. Improve.

I also think he/she is talking from the DUMPER stand point!

Yes the no contact period should be used by you to get over it and become happy again. Work on you.

It isn't used as a means to win back an ex. Stupid move.

I think you might be catching on.

Your best move now as hard as it will be is to completely cut contact with her and begin your healing process. It isn't going to be easy but having no contact will be the best way for you to move on and one day find a happy and fulfilling relationship.

But stick around here and help others and get more help from the great people here. I have found this to be one of my best outlets!

I forgot to mention something, something that I have been thinking about or remembering. During the 3rd year of our relationship, she said once, I wonder what it would be like to sleep with another man. I just ignored it, we had good intamacy but I often wonder if she felt she missed out on experimentation... You see, I was her first real boyfriend emotionally and physically and once she even said in a jokey way that she could finish with me and do her single thing and get back with me... I said that would not work but took it all as jokey talk just to wind me up... But I had the chance to walk the wild party side when I was younger, because she was with me between ages 17 - 20 I think she feels she missed out on it, even though I was o.k about her going out with her friends, never smothered her but she felt I was too good to be cheated on, the last thing she said to me 2 months ago was "I'm scared if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you, and you" and she said "find someone better than me".. The last thing she said to her mum who was angry about her decision was, I met him too young..

So this re-inforces the fact that we were incompatible at the time we met...

I am further confused by dwelling on the comment that she said when we broke up, "I think we should just leave it for a while" I take this as, let me have my fun for a while and I will come back when I am done, because I don't want to feel guilty about doing something while I am with you...

If so, what a mug I would be for waiting...

Yes girls do seem to need to have some wild girl period. Maybe not all but most seem to need some period where they experiment.

My ex was never the type of girls that I thought would want to, and indeed either did she. But it has turned out that she does. Although not her direct reason for breaking up with me, I certainly think she in her mind feels she needs to be young for a while. Something she missed out on for various reasons.

And they don't go, have fun and then come back. Doesn't work like that.

And yes you would be a mug to think it worked like that and indeed wait. So don't wait and don't even wish her back. Move on and enjoy your own life. After all that seems to be what she is doing.

Qute frankly if they don't have a wild girl stage early - great chance it will ocme later or they will be very unhappy.

I've said before I know a gal who is 45 never went through a wild girl stage until 41 - she had been in a LTR and married 15 years - she divorced and then went nuts.

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants & she's dragging you on her emotional roller coaster. If you truly love her, give her a few years to do her thing.

Meanwhile, don't stop living your life. Get out there, get involved, work hard, meet new girls, see what happens..

Im sure no matter what, she now has residency deep in your heart and your not going to forget that in a hurry, bieng engaged was a big thing. Im not saying pine for her. Im just suggesting you let it go for now, get on with life but don't dismiss her altogether.. It's a timing thing.

I think trying to contact someone after they dumped you is like signing your own death warrant.. If they want you back, surely they would call you...

But its really hard, I have not done it since week 2 and I'm on week 8 but I still get this massive urge to contact her!

Just have to keep telling myself, MOVE ON! Because I know that is the logical thing and that is what I say to others but when it's you it seems different, harder to justify...

I mean, you think at the back of your head, what if there was something I could say that would bring her back.. Truth is, there is not!!

I also believe that when I was with her, I became too available, she lost her friends or rather, they lost her, because of this, she became too available too and that may be a factor involved in the breakup, something I can see a bit clearer now... What makes it worse is that she blamed me for losing her friends when in actual fact, it never bothered me her going out with her friends, She just lost them, they moved on... NOw she has a friend back, she realises she can get back what she had before she met me, a single life!

I don't hate her for wanting to sow her wild oats, how can I? She is young, after all, I did that when I was her age! The only thing I hate is the breakup but it happened for a reason and it stared me in the face for months... LOVE IS BLIND..

"I think trying to contact someone after they dumped you is like signing your own death warrant" - every time!! I like the way you put that. Hence - the no contact - they don't want you in their lives for what ever reason - you give that to them.

You just push them away and reinforce their decision. Believe me.

Don't contact her!!

"I became too available, she lost her friends or rather, they lost her, because of this, she became too available too and that may be a factor involved in the breakup" - LEARN FROM THIS...

They are part of your life - not your life. You have to still do the sames things you always did - always stay with your friends! Be busy.

SLOWLY, and I mean SLOWLY over time you can spen more time with them.

Only time helps - they may have being feeling pressure over something - and you leaving may have helped. One day it might get better.

I know for a fact it's EASY to know what to do - but very hard to act properly.

Hi Wildcat,

What do you think about xmas time, should I send her family a card just out of friendliness or is this a real no no?. After all, I was quite close to her family too.

I think I know the answer is no, but just thought I would ask..

I just wanted to add something, something I have missed out but wanted to know if you think it has any relevance.

In July this year, I lost my job and became unemployed for medical reasons after developing RSI in my wrists, I could not keep up with the workload, I was not fired but sent to occupational health to assess if I should continue but the conclusion was that I should not, so I resigned.

Since then, I have been unemployed for 4 months looking for alternatives to the type of work I did but now considering retraining..

Do you think from this info, this factor may have encouraged her to break-up, the fact that the money ran out... When I first met her, I supported her for 18 months while she was unemployed, paid for mostly everything, nights out, holiday..

I am starting to see a very selfish side to her and you don't walk out on someone when they are at their worst. I mean, if you can't stick with someone through the hard times, then you don't truthfully love them..

I think I have been used beyond belief here.

Christmas - How do you think SHE would feel about that - creeped out? Probably - I send nothing.

Post 2 - TRUTHFULLY - and you're not going gto like it - YES, losing a job can push her away - a bet $1 mill you put too much importance in her then. And maybe you were a little depressed?

Yes Wildcat,

You really do know your stuff on this subject, I think you are right here.. Maybe I did place too much importance on her..

What I am going to do is work on myself, get back into work again, I did have a part to play in this breakup, I know she was young and we have discussed that but there were issues that should have been addressed here. Still, it does anger me that I supported her for 18 months while she had no money and while she was feeling down, I helped her, supported her but that does not mean anything... There are so many factors here

I will not bother contacting her, AT ALL... I will stick to your advice and come on here if I think I am getting to the point where I think about it.. In the meantime, I will just work on myself, I think I lost parts of myself in this relationship and need to reawaken those parts I lost.

Thanks for the advice Wildcat!!

P.S. That website you recommended is brilliant

It sounds like she sort of used you man, and your entitled to be hurt and angry at that. Plus you deserve better! Why would you want someone like that anyway?

But don't let it control you. Keep moving forward.

Use the stuff you read on the website. It is all great stuff.

www.askmen.com

Another great site. Good articles there on a wide range of things for men!

NO CONTACT!

Also, when we split up, she told me that if she stays with me any longer, she is scared that she will cheat on me..

That kind of says to me that she had in mind that she wanted out of the relationship so she could experiment and not feel guilty about it.. I know that she said this guy in her work had asked her out for a drink, anyway, she told me that there was nobody else when I split up with her although there was a guy in work she fancied but said that was not going anywhere.. 2 weeks later, I bumped into her brother who said she found out what he was like, apparently he had other women and was playing with them all, although not sure how far my ex went with him. He also said she needs to meet a real B*****d who trats her badly to realise what she has done..

It hurts to think it but I really do believe that she left the relationship so she could sow her wild oats and experiment.

I just wish it would have happened much sooner before I got such strong feelings...

Yep - she wanted out in a bad way. Alibi's - she wanted to pushe you far away.

You need to figure what pushed her away. But she WAY too young to be in a serious relationship.

I think it's kind of simple (I Think).. She wanted out because she felt tied down.She lost her single life and felt the relationship was to blame for that.She has since had lots of fun going out with friends (so I heard) and realised what she had been missing even thnough I never stopped her from doing that.

But I still can't get this thing she said to me out of my head, when we split up with me she said "I just think we should leave it for a while"

In my head, I am thinking, she wants me there in the background in case she changes her mind (Bad Thing)

But also this may just be me reading into something that is not there, she may just have been trying to make it easier on herself.Avoiding guilt.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yep - she wanted out in a bad way. Alibi's - she wanted to pushe you far away.

You need to figure what pushed her away.

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The problem is, I can't get the answers from her, I need to search myself by analyzing the relationship and where it all went wrong, be it my fault or hers or both.

I have more info, can't believe I forgot to say this.. I got on well with her family and they liked me.

My family did not like her, except my mother who tried to like her. My father said I could do better than her even from the beginning. Also my sister and her fiancé had a feeling that she was manipulative and that it would not last. I tried to get my family to understand that I loved her but they knew deep down that she would let me down.

She never liked it that my father would rarely want to make conversation with her.. I tried to help them communicate but it was clear they did not like each other..

Maybe that was PART of why she was pushed away...

[QUOTE=Geoffersonairplane]My family did not like her, except my mother who tried to like her. My father said I could do better than her even from the beginning.way... [/ QUOTE]

Just wanted to say that in me saying that this is what they thought, I never thought I was better than her or that I could do better because I loved her.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

She's ONLY 20 - forget it. Way too young. Women really should not get married until at least age 25.

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25 is too young too (I think)!! I don't think anyone should get married before 30! People have so much to experience before they get married. And I don't mean by traveling and such, I mean education, jobs, what they want to do with their lives, so on and so forth.

Hiya, it was my ex's mum's birthday just the other week, and it's his sister's birthday tomorrow. I asked people if I should send cards, they said NO, so I didn't. When I think about it they didn't wish me happy birthday or send me a card or anything and I got on well with his mum especially. Maybe they felt it wouldn't be right to send anything. You are like me, you would do it out of kindness and like to do things like that, but I would just leave it : )

I think the worst thing is wondering who she is with, if she has found someone new. It really does not matter though does it, if she is not seeing someone else now, she soon will be.

I think when I will be over this is when I stop hoping that she will come back and accept it.

Although I am aware of what I and others in my situation should behave, I still have this aching feeling that I want her back but know that obsessing on this thought will just drive me insane.

Deep down, my heart tells me she may be back but my brain tells me she won't be back.

Not sure if that is the right way around, regardless, why deny the truth..

Hey Geoff can I ask you a question? I can tell you really loved this woman and you've made reference to the fact that you were her first real boyfriend. Was she by chance your first girlfriend? I've just read the posts and I can tell your going through a tough time.

I don't want to repeat what everybody else has said but let me add on to there good advice if you don't mind. If you don't have a gym membership please invest in one. Start working out and really push yourself. I've been lifting for years and you get a great high from it that I can't describe. You don't have to be big or strong just go in and get a decent workout program and you'll start to feel better about yourself. It's also a good place to interact with new people.

The best part is you can see the results in your body. The results are measurable and visible. If lifting isn't your thing than take up cardio. Admittedly, I hate cardio but sometimes I will get on a stairmaster and just push myself until I can't go anymore. Then after about 15 minutes I'll get back on and push myself again until failure.

Ironically, I first did this years ago after a girl that I had been going out with for two years suddenly dumped me without warning and I was not sleeping and extremely depressed. One day I just went into the gym and said, "F it" I'm going to sleep tonight and I will make my body so tired that it won't have a choice. And that's what I did. I rode that stairmaster for a total of 90 minutes that first time. Not only did I start sleeping better, I got into better shape but I was able to focus on myself, because believe me when you pushing your body like that you don't think about anybody else.

Anyway that's my two cents and I hope it is something you can apply to your situation. Good luck.