Ask Me Help Desk - Leave recently ex-fiance alone?

My fiancé told me she wants to go on break

I have been with my fiance/ex fiancé for 10 months and just last week she told me she wants to "go on break." I am 35 and she is 22. She lives an hour & a half from me. Since we met we have spent almost every weekend together due to our work schedules. I drive to see her on Friday afternoon & come home Sunday night. I also drive to see her one day during the week. She lives with her parents and is close with them so I always go there. Anyway she is adopted and a few months ago found online her biological mom,dad and sis. So we planned to fly and see them last week. For a few weeks before our trip we've been bickering about minor stuff. She said it was her being stressed out and I added to that stress. She said there was something missing and it has nothing to do with me... shes says I've been "perfect". One night I overheard her tell someone that she "loves me....but "isn't sure if he's the right one- how do you ever know" and that I'm "always up her ." I confronted her about it and she said she doesnt know why she said it. I give her plenty of space. When were not together she either goes to a friends house or meets a friend at a bar and drinks. Just recently she said she would like more girls nights out on the weekends since shes only had a few in 10 months. I have no problem with that but she said she was scared to ask me. She says everytime she goes out we get into an argument. Sometimes this is true but all I ever asked of her was to "every once in a while text me"...she feels she shouldn't feel obligated to do so. So the night before we left to see her family that shes never met I confronted her as to why shes been so cold and distant...she had no response and no reaction so I left her house to see how she would react. A 1/2 hour later she texted me saying how I'm the nicest guy shes ever met and I deserve better than her. I came back to her house and she said she wanted to take a break and that she wont wear the ring on our trip to see her family and she wont introduce me as her fiance but she wanted me to come with her and meet her biological family. Half the time on our trip she was cold and distant and half the time she was ok. I told her I didnt want to lose her and she told me "don't worry.. you won't" I also asked her when shes going to wear the ring again and she said "eventually". The 3 days Since we got back from our trip she's texted me but only once in a while and she called once. I don't call her and only respond to her texts but never text 1st. I don't want to lose her... she has everything I've wanted. I know she's serious about me because several times we looked at houses together and she has wanted to have a baby. She's very trustworthy and always texts me and tells me what she's doing even though I never asked her to.What should I do? Please help

Back off, give her some time and space. Did you ever hear the saying if you love something let it go,.

That's what I've been doing... I don't call her at all and I don't text her unless she texts me 1st

You are doing the right thing... If she comes back to you it was meant to be. Give her more time

Thanks... thats what I was thinking

Hi.she sounds confused and she's going through confusing times meeting her biological parents etc. She s also quite young.I d step back from the situation and ask myself what do I really want and need from a relationship myself?hope this helps.

Thanks- you did help... I haven't called her once and don't text her unless she texts me 1st. I mean if she really wanted to break up then why would she want me to go visit her new family? The day after we got back she thanked me for coming and said she was glad I came with her.

She doesn't know what she wants nor where she s going at the moment.but you r hurting and I think you should look after yourself first.

She does sound like she's extremely confused. Finding her biological parents is a huge step for her. You're just going to have to be patient to let her sort things out.

Just be there for her to support her. She will let you know when she wants to start things up again. Until then, don't give her anymore pressure. She will find you when she's ready.

Focus on doing your own thing for now. I sorry to pull this out, but she's only 22, she still has to find herself, so be patient with her.

Thanks... thats what I'm trying to do... its so hard because I miss her so much. We literally use to talk or text all the time except when she was out with one of her friends.

I think that's one of the hardest bits you miss the things that were good.try to stay busy.see and talk to your friends .cry if you feel like it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregna...ed-383837.html

You have issues that you both need to work out before you have babies. Support her through these times as she needs to resolve old issues, and for chrissake, stop acting like a spoiled kid when she goes out. She is an adult albeit young and confused at this time.

Where is communications and commitment? Love and support? Understanding, and honest expression?

Should I offer her support/help since I was with her when she met her biological family or should I just back off completely? I haven't contacted her at all unless I'm returning her text message

I'm very upset today because its been 5 days since we got back from our trip and its 7pm and I haven't heard from her at all... not even 1 text message. Should I send her a text asking how her day was or just completely NC ?

Stay with NC, she wanted space so be the better person and give it to her

Leave her alone, and take this time for yourself, as worrying about her gets you nothing, but anxious and upset. This is what she asks for, this is what you give her. Its not easy being in limbo, but that's your choice also.

Respect her wishes.you re doing NC for you not for anyone else.its not a magic wand that's going to bring your relationship back. Its to help you heal.

Fiancé needs break update

Threads merged
This is an update of my last post from a week ago... It's now been 1 week since we got back from our trip to meet her bio.parents and the first 4 days after the trip she was texting me a decent amount and telling me what she was doing each night. The last 4 days I only heard from her once but didn't text her back until a day later. My aunt says that her meeting her biological mom and dad and finding out they were atticted to drugs/alcohol must have been traumatic being that if she wasn't adopted she would have had a horrible life. My aunt said along with her adopted parents and her 2 or 3 best friends I'm the closest person in her life so she has taken her anger/stress/frustrations out on someone and I was the logical choice being that her adopted parents are great and her best friends are her rocks. When we were on our trip I asked her how long before we end the break and she said "you'll know when I'm ready because I'll let you know". I also noticed on her myspace she never deleted me or the 100 or so pics of us with all the love captions. The only thing she deleted was the pics of her ring. I mean she said I never did anything wrong--I think she's just in a funk from finding out her bio parents are messed up and her sis (that she adores ) that's her age is 10 hours away which she said is very upsetting. My question is should I contact her at all(cuz I want her to know that I'm here for her and thinking of her)? How long should I wait before I drive to her house to get my ring back?(I'm afraid if I go to soon she'll think I'm not willing to wait and not taking the break seriously) Should I email her and lay it all on the line so that if she wants to 100% end it she could or give her the chance to start fresh with me?

Leave recently ex-fiance alone?

Threads merged

My ex-fiance dumped me almost a month ago and last week I went to pick up some belongings as well as the ring. I noticed in her room she still had 4 pictures of us up (all with my arm around her) and on her myspace she still has 100 or so pics of us up (including pictures of us kissing etc.) I asked her if she sees a chance of us getting back together and she said "maybe- you never know what the future holds". She also said I could call her once in a while. Its been a week since I got my ring back and I only contacted her once to ask her about a guy that I thought she might be seeing. All morning we argued over if she cheated on me or not through texts and calls. I decided to do no contact after that to see if she would contact me in some way. After 5 days she texted me with just a "hey how are ya?". I answered her... but my question is should I try to remain friends with her and periodically call or text her or just disappear? I desperately want her back and I know she is just really young and confused right now.

Now is when you need to think about you.go NC-NO CONTACT and don't react to the drama.read the stickies-its all in there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

now is when you need to think about you.go NC-NO CONTACT and dont react to the drama.read the stickies-its all in there.

That's what I was doing- nocontact- I wasn't going to contact her but then she contacted me. She told me I could call once in a while but I haven't called in the 3-4 weeks we've been broken up

You aren't the first guy who was so worried about a freakin' relationship, that you totally blow off what she has been going through. Your not paying attention to someone your supposed to care about, so you miss the whole boat, and act needy, and insecure instead.

My reason for you to just back off, and leave her alone, was because I don't think your ready at all to what she needs, (I was right) and get beyond yourself, and your own needs.

Throw the text phone away, and call and see, where her feelings are after finding out her life was changed forever by meeting her real family, and can you support her in some way. Sometimes listening, and paying attention, is all you have to do to let someone vent, and find some emotional stability within themselves.

At least reaching out will tell you if she can tolerate your one track thinking, or if you need to get real with NC, and move on.

I can't help but feel your actions are pushing her away, and proving to her, you ain't the one.

Your not even a good text buddy, let alone real friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You aren't the first guy who was so worried about a freakin' relationship, that you totally blow off what she has been going thru. Your not paying attention to someone your supposed to care about, so you miss the whole boat, and act needy, and insecure instead.

My reason for you to just back off, and leave her alone, was because I don't think your ready at all to what she needs, (I was right) and get beyond yourself, and your own needs.

Throw the text phone away, and call and see, where her feelings are after finding out her life was changed forever by meeting her real family, and can you support her in some way. Sometimes listening, and paying attention, is all you have to do to let someone vent, and find some emotional stability within themselves.

At least reaching out will tell you if she can tolerate your one track thinking, or if you need to get real with NC, and move on.

I can't help but feel your actions are pushing her away, and proving to her, you ain't the one.

Your not even a good text buddy, let alone real friend.

I don't know how my actions are pushing her away when I haven't called her once in the 1 month that we've been either on break or broken up. We did get into an argument the other day because I think she may be seeing someone and I wanted her to admit to me that she was cheating but she kept denying it. I had no concrete proof so I just told agreed with her and told her I guess she didn't. Should I text her back when she texts me? She told me I can call once in a while-should I?

Throw the text phone away, and call and see, where her feelings are after finding out her life was changed forever by meeting her real family, and can you support her in some way. Sometimes listening, and paying attention, is all you have to do to let someone vent, and find some emotional stability within themselves.
Don't you know how to let a female vent? Its listening without trying to fix things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Throw the text phone away, and call and see, where her feelings are after finding out her life was changed forever by meeting her real family, and can you support her in some way. Sometimes listening, and paying attention, is all you have to do to let someone vent, and find some emotional stability within themselves.
Don't you know how to let a female vent?? Its listening without trying to fix things.

That's what I was going to do... she texted me today out of the blue and so I texted her back and a little later texted her with "do you have a few minutes to talk" and she never responded. So I'm assuming she's just throwing me bones but doesn't really want to talk because she maybe doesn't want me to get my hopes up

Then its time to let it go my friend. Ignore the texts, and everything else, and get your head wrapped around a life without her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Then its time to let it go my friend. Ignore the texts, and everything else, and get your head wrapped around a life without her.

That's what I think I may have to do- even though- I must admit- its going to be so hard to ignore them... I don't know why she's even peiodically sending me these texts... I already lost her but I want her back so bad- if I ignore her than we can't even be friends and I will have no chance of ever getting back with her because she'll be pissed

So what? It can't be any worse than what your going through now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

So what?? It can't be any worse than what your going thru now.

Should I send an email for closure or should I just let her go and don't even try to be friends with her because I love spending time with her and I don't want to lose her altogether

You don't have to tell her anything.Just stop all communication.Thats what NC is about.I broke up with my partner about two months ago-mainly because he was too immature to handle an adult relationship. I then rang him a day or so later -he shouted at me and put the phone down on me.Idecided there and then no more drama and I know I do NOT want to speak to him ever again.
So you ve got to start healing and that takes time. Any contact with your ex prolongs your agony.believe this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

You don't have to tell her anything.Just stop all communication.Thats what NC is about............So you ve got to start healing and that takes time. any contact with your ex prolongs your agony.believe this.

Disappear from her life, get your closure by accepting you need to move beyond her in life.

Right now and you are not going to get any answers from her. In fact you might not ever get answers (closure) so its best to just leave it alone. Remember she wanted the space, so your best move, for yourself and for her is to do exactly that. Don't worry about the texts or the calls or what she is thinking etc... Just give her the time she asked for. In the mean time start doing things that make you happy. In time it will not matter if she wants to be with you or not. What a great feeling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overayear

Right now and you are not going to get any answers from her. In fact you might not ever get answers (clouser) so its best to just leave it alone. Remember she wanted the space, so your best move, for your self and for her is to do exactly that. Dont worry about the texts or the calls or what she is thinking etc... Just give her the time she asked for. In the mean time start doing things that make you happy. In time it will not matter if she wants to be with you or not. What a great feeling.

Thanks overayear, the other day we got into a text message war and even fought on the phone... I was telling her I think she cheated on me at the end and I wanted her to admit it and she kept denying she ever cheat on me and since I didn't have proof I let it go.so just ignore any of her texts? Don't send an email?

Do nothing.no texts- no email-no phonecalls.

I would not write her an email, and only RESPOND to text you want to respond to. If you don't know how to answer the text then don't. If you can handle it of course, If you are getting mixed singlas from her or texting her is giving you false hope or getting you confused then I would stop everything all together.

Move on bro! Your 35, she's 22, and obviously giving you the run-around! Change your life up, do something different to help you meet some new people, some possibly your age and more mature!

Lifes a garden, DIG IT!

Quote:

Originally Posted by overayear

I would not write her an email, and only RESPOND to text you want to respond to. If you dont know how to answer the text then dont. If you can handle it of course, If you are getting mixed singlas from her or texting her is giving you false hope or getting you confused then i would stop everything all together.

Today was real bad for me- another setback. Ever since I 1st woke up. I'm so used to waking up and seeing a bunch of texts from her and my day would start great. Now I wake up and nothing- and nothing all day and its so depressing. I use to get 100 texts a day and now nothing. The holiday weekend has passed and I heard from her on Sunday. I responded out of weakness. We sent texts back and forth. Nothing about our relationship. I took your advice because I'm able to handle hearing from her but it just makes me crave texting her all the time like we used to do. Then today I had a setback because she just got back from a weekend at the beach and she put 1 picture up- it was of her and another guy from a bar where she was at. It hurt bad seeing the pic because this was the 1st time I ever saw a pic of her with another guy since we met. Who knows if he's just some guy she met there but it hurt. I know I shouldn't look at her myspace but as long as she hasn't deleted me I'm just way too curious. She still has 100 pics of us up but I know that doesn't mean anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bjohnrupp

Today was real bad for me- another setback. Ever since I 1st woke up. I'm so used to waking up and seeing a bunch of texts from her and my day would start off great. Now I wake up and nothing- and nothing all day and its so depressing. I use to get 100 texts a day and now nothing. The holiday weekend has passed and I heard from her on Sunday. I responded out of weakness. We sent texts back and forth. Nothing about our relationship. I took your advice because I'm able to handle hearing from her but it just makes me crave texting her all the time like we used to do. Then today I had a setback because she just got back from a weekend at the beach and she put 1 picture up- it was of her and another guy from a bar where she was at. It hurt bad seeing the pic because this was the 1st time I ever saw a pic of her with another guy since we met. Who knows if hes just some guy she met there but it hurt. I know I shouldnt look at her myspace but as long as she hasnt deleted me I'm just way too curious. She still has 100 pics of us up but I know that doesnt mean anything.

Delete, block, ignore, move on. Things are going to be hard getting used to, but the sooner you realize that nothing will change the mind of this person, the easier it'll be.

Found out later fiancé was cheating

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Its been 4 weeks since my fiancé dumped me and about 2 weeks ago I found out she was seeing someone else at the end of the relationship. It could have been the last few weeks or maybe even months- I don't know for sure. There's a lot of signs that point to her possibly cheating with other guys too but I have no concrete proof- more just speculation. She denies ever cheating on me even at the very end but if I had to guess I would say 99% she did with at least 1 guy but possibly 2 or 3. I have no proof but lots of clues when I think back. My question is should I call her out on it just so she knows I know what was going on? I am so angry at her I want to ruin her day and get her back in some way to let her know that she didn't get away with this. I know it doesn't matter anymore because the relationship is over but I want her to know that she may have played me but I found everything out. When I found out about the guy at the end and told her I knew she completely flipped out and was very angry and distraught. Would it be better to just leave this whole thing alone and never mention it to her?

Please keep all the questions on the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow the story.

Leave it alone. You need to recover from this breakup. Stop getting updates about her, as it will just confuse and upset you more. Focus on yourself and recovering from this experience. She's in the past, so leave her in the past. Focus on moving forward.