You guys, I originally came on here because I needed a good slap in the head. I was having this affair, mostly an emotional one for me, and it wasn't good. I knew it was wrong but I continued. Well after months of counseling, I moved out a couple months, quit working since it was my boss and it seemed good. Although my husband insisted I come back to work. Its been OK here. I have had a week moment here and there but never went back or looked back.

Well, while I had moved out someone at my husnbands work showed interest in him. He was like a little school boy telling me. Sure I was jealous and sure it hurt and I know it killed him knowing about my affair. But the thing is, before I moved back home we talked and I told him to make sure I was what he wanted. I didn't want him pursuing her to get me back as revenge. He seemed like he wanted to go after this girl. But no, he told me to come home. So the next day I move everything back home. Its all been a big fat lie. He has been seeing her behind my back since that day. He told me to come home and we would work on it and he still went to her.

Yes, I know I did it to. But I put it out there. I told him to go have at her if that's what he wanted. I knew I hurt him and I left it open for him to decide. That's what's hurting me right now. I told him to pursue her if he wanted. Instead he told me to move home. Then he still pursued her. So I feel like this entire effort has been a big fat lie. Then the worse part, he has brought my son around her. I never ever would or have done that. Isn't he smarter then that?

Now I sit here thinking what the hell do I do? Do I sit back and feel the pain like I caused him? Do I ask him to try again and just call it even? Or do I ask him to leave and be done with it? I am at a blank because he wanted me home and I have been bending over backwards to show him I wanted it to work. With nothing in return. I guess its over and where the hell do I go from here?

UGH! I hate life! I am sorry guys for sounding like one of those stupid women. I deserve what I get in return and am not looking for pity of any kind. I guess right now I just need to vent and don't know who or where to vent.

Sunny, I am sorry for your troubles here. I never knew what brought you around these parts of AMHD. I guess now I know. I feel like I know you pretty well on here and you seem like a good person and don't deserve this. I know you know cheating is bad and you did it anyway. That's not the point though. He had no right to do it. Whether it was to get back at you or because he liked her. He shouldn't have dragged you into this. I say you leave him and go after that modeling career. Everyone here knows how beautiful you are and you could do it. It couldn't be to strong of a connection if you both cheated on each other. I hope you are able to make the right decision.

Thanks adam. I guess what's bugging me the most is he had that option. I was already moved out in a routine and a new life with my son. He wanted me to come home and we were going to work it out. He swore he didn't want to pursue her he wanted his marriage and I was thankful for that. Trust me I knew I wronged and was so thankful he wanted to try again. The hurt I saw in him killed me it really did. But I had this feeling and sure enough he still went to her. The other thing is her boyfriend is at war. Hmmm so she is getting comfort from my husband while her man is at war. Nice.

I did tell him last night it was a loveless marriage and it needed to end. He doesn't want it to.

Clearly,you were wrong but two wrongs don't make a right.

He should have been honest with you and told you he was keeping his options open.

He wanted the marriage but he wanted the option of her on the side,just in case you and he didn't work out.

I wonder with both of you cheating if the underlying issue just may be that this marriage has run its course.

Sadly,it does happen and people do fall out of love.

Again,what you did was wrong but that does not mean you deserve to be lied and cheated on.No matter how you slice it,two wrongs just don't make a right.

The bottom line ,it seems to me,is the marriage salvageable? Sometimes the damage is irreparable,no matter how hard one tries to fix it.

Is there enough spark left to keep this marriage alive?Can you both clean the slate and start over?

Is he willing to make a serious commitment to the marriage?You sure can't do it alone.

I think if it is at all feasible,you should seek counseling before you throw in the towel.

artsy I know exactly what your saying and I agree. I knew I was wrong when I did it and him and I were in counseling for months and months. I guess my problem was I tried to talk to him over and over and told him why I wasn't happy. Truly it was easily fixable. But to repeat myself again and again with no results, I gave up, I caved. I had the affair. We continued counseling even after I had moved. He wanted me home. I was so happy to go home I cried! I quit working and he insisted I come back to work. Which makes me think he didn't care I was working with my "affair" since he knew he had her on the side.
Do I think this can be fixed? I don't know. I have mentioned at random times here he had a porn addiction for 7 years. It affected me. I talked about it in counseling over and over and I can't forgive him or forget it. But I put it behind me and I moved on to have our marriage. Now I sit and think how can I get over a real physical woman? I cant. But I don't know what to do and I sit here like a stupid bimbo getting what she deserves and crying over it.

Ya know I here stories from some people where they actually consider taking their ex back just so they can hurt them like they had been hurt. It is not right and not fair of him to do that. He really shouldn't have dragged your son in this when you guys are still married. I agree with Artlady by saying he was wanting to keep her on the sidelines just in case you two didn't work out. What he did was wrong and you both know it. You obviously find this marriage without love so don't put yourself through this hun.

It just kills me that I moved my son out to a new home. Then moved him back. He questioned me while I cried every night and I just played it off with silly things a five year old would understand. Now I have to do it again. I asked him to move out last night and again this morning. I did tell him there is no way this is going to work. He will never trust me and I will never trust him. Why try? When he asked me to come back I thought that was the start of a new life. "I thought, I thought..." So much for thinking.

As a guy it is hard for me to sit here and imagine what it is like to be cheated on, especially by my wife. Emotionally or whatever. It is also not my place to judge and throw stones. I respect you as a poster and from what I know of you on the internet Sunny, and I also respect you for being a parent as to me that is the ultimate role anyone can have.

I can safely say (although I have never been through it) that I wouldn't cheat on someone, regardless if they cheated on me. I have always felt that a family is more important than any of that. Regardless of how hurt he may have been it is still no excuse. As a man it is important to remain true to yourself, your morals and your character no matter what. It seems a bit dysfunctional now that you both have been down this road. Marriage isn't a game, nor are relationships. You don't get "even" with a heart.

I wish you luck and I hope that everything works out for the best, whatever the best may be. I sadly cannot imagine how things could ever be normal again, and I fear that it is the fight for "normalness" that will eventually tear everything a part. I live by two rules in life... NEVER cheat on your partner and ALWAYS do what you feel is the right thing to do. If those two rules ever contradict then there are bigger problems at hand.

Don't beat yourself up over this Sunny. Ok? It isn't your fault. You are just trying to blame yourself here and it isn't your fault. You have to better yourself and if leaving is the answer then so be it.

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Originally Posted by adam_89

Don't beat yourself up over this Sunny. Ok? It isn't your fault. You are just trying to blame yourself here and it isn't your fault. You have to better yourself and if leaving is the answer then so be it.

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But if I didn't do what I did this wouldn't be happening today. Why did he want to work on this and then do this? We were doing good and then I got that feeling and sure enough. That feeling is right every time.

Leave, and don't come back. Right now neither of you has the right tools, or the willingness to work together. You both need a clean slate, and a fresh start, leaving will give you that.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

artsy I know exactly what your saying and I agree. I knew I was wrong when I did it and him and I were in counseling for months and months. I guess my problem was I tried to talk to him over and over and told him why I wasnt happy. Truly it was easily fixable. But to repeat myself again and again with no results, I gave up, I caved. I had the affair. We continued counseling even after I had moved. He wanted me home. I was so happy to go home I cried! I quit working and he insisted I come back to work. Which makes me think he didnt care I was working with my "affair" since he knew he had her on the side.
Do I think this can be fixed? I dont know. I have mentioned at random times here he had a porn addiction for 7 years. It affected me. I talked about it in counseling over and over and I can't forgive him or forget it. But I put it behind me and I moved on to have our marriage. Now I sit and think how can I get over a real physical woman? I cant. But I dont know what to do and I sit here like a stupid bimbo getting what she deserves and crying over it.

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I think you need to stop beating yourself up.It really is counter productive.

You have paid your dues on this issue.Berating yourself is going to affect your ability to focus and stay centered on what you have to do next.

You did not deserve to have him cheat.He made that choice and it was a poor one.
He said he wanted you back and he deceived you.

Have you asked him to end the affair? What does he have to say about this?
Does he plan on continuing on with her?

I had to spread the rep but Tal is completely right.

I was cheated on twice before in past relationships and it does hurt but I would have never tried to get even with them over it. I find someong not worthy of me if they cheat on me. So, I kick them to the curb and try and move on. You know there will be a better life out there Sunny. I know it won't be as easy since you have a kid with him, but just keep moving forward.

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Originally Posted by artlady

I think you need to stop beating yourself up.It really is counter productive.

You have paid your dues on this issue.Berating yourself is going to affect your ability to focus and stay centered on what you have to do next.

You did not deserve to have him cheat.He made that choice and it was a poor one.
He said he wanted you back and he deceived you.

Have you asked him to end the affair? What does he have to say about this?
Does he plan on continuing on with her?

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I did mention him not speaking to her, he just stared at me. I mentioned we have no trust now, he just stared at me. I mentioned him lying about it, he said there was nothing going on. Then why lie? He just stared at me again. I said for him to move out, he continued to stare at me. Get out and don't come back. I gave it my all he screwed up.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Leave, and don't come back. Right now neither of you has the right tools, or the willingness to work together. You both need a clean slate, and a fresh start, leaving will give you that.

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Sadly this is true, I see no other way. (Tal, I had to spread the good... )

Sunny, we are friends and I do have some things that I would like to say, but at the moment I don't have the time, so I will get back shortly hon. :)

I'm not trying to sound mean or anything like that, but it sounds like you're getting what you deserve. I think it was a mistake to come back to him because he had this planned out the whole time. He's angry, resentful and vengeful. The only reason he wanted you to come back was so that he could hurt you like you hurt him. He is getting some sort of validation by doing this and frankly, I don't blame him because he's evening up with you. You hurt him and he immediately has the opportunity to get back at you so he took it. He probably wouldn't have been able to carry on with you unless he got this out of his system.

I think you should have taken time apart from each other (longer than what you did) because he isn't willing to work with you. He just wants revenge and you made it way too easy for him to get it. Your relationship is poisoned now. There is no trust and there is no respect. It will come up again.

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Originally Posted by itried

I'm not trying to sound mean or anything like that, but it sounds like you're getting what you deserve. I think it was a mistake to come back to him because he had this planned out the whole time. He's angry, resentful and vengeful. The only reason he wanted you to come back was so that he could hurt you like you hurt him. He is getting some sort of validation by doing this and frankly, I don't blame him because he's evening up with you. You hurt him and he immediately has the opportunity to get back at you so he took it. He probably wouldn't have been able to carry on with you unless he got this out of his system.

I think you should have taken time apart from each other (longer than what you did) because he isn't willing to work with you. He just wants revenge and you made it way too easy for him to get it. Your relationship is poisoned now. There is no trust and there is no respect. It will come up again.

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I do agree with this, I got what I deserved. I will never say what I did was right. But he had every chance under the sun to move on. I have a son who I bounced back and forth for two months. Even if his intentions were to get me back, that's poor parenting on his part. For one, he brought my son around her. I never did that and never ever once thought it. I would think our sons interest would be his first concern. If he made this choice on purpose then its only going to effect my boy again. When we were out and settled already. Why would he have me move us both back home, only to do this and have to move again?

I do deserve all of this and I agree. But my point is we sat on our bed one night and had a talk about making it or breaking it. He wanted to make it. I have put in every effort and 110% to show him how sorry I am, to show him how hard I am trying and to show him he can trust again. He made the wrong choice this time. I know this marriage will never ever be the same. Since this happened and I confronted him I have asked him to leave over and over. We agreed when I moved back home if it didn't work out he would leave. Now he isn't leaving. I want him to go. I asked him to. I asked him what he thought it was going to be like for us now if we stayed together? Well worse of course. I just spent seven months busting my butt to fight for something that was a lie. Yes I had it coming. But now that I want it over he wants to try and he is sorry. Hmmm I thought we were doing that?

So I sit here with my thoughts. My husband is at work and my son is sleeping. I think about what is to come for my future and I want to avoid it. I want this to work but know its not possible. What's funny is there is one comment on this entire site that sits and rings in my ears right now. Its from the one and only chuff.


"The fear of being alone can overshadow what love really is."

Sad but true isn't it? Wise words.

Yes sunny very wise words.and sad-I think a number of us stay or has stayed in rubbish relationships because we fear being alone :-)

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Originally Posted by amicon

yes sunny very wise words.and sad-I think a number of us stay or has stayed in rubbish relationships because we fear being alone :-)

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I honestly think that's one reason he won't leave. When we were having troubles because of my poor choices. He had a break down and said he didn't want to live alone like his dad. You see his dad was for one an alcoholic. He was also a very bad diabetic. He had strokes. Lost limbs. He just didn't take care of himself and was in a nursing home for 20 plus years. Pretty much in the end he lost his mind. Not to mention his wife left him long before all this.

So being my husband is a pretty bad diabetic he instantly sees us divorcing and his life following that path that his fathers did. But he doesn't drink like his father did. He takes better care of himself. He just doesn't want to be alone. I think sometimes a person being alone is great. It gives you time to grow and learn who you are. I think we both need that.

Hey, how much longer do you think you can handle all this hurt and misery?

Your not happy nor have been for some time,he is not happy.

Could it be possibe that apart you both would be happier people and better parents..

Don't get me wrong,your son will one day be grown and gone to college,married etc,then what?


I was on my own for years after my marriage ended,that was through choice though..
In a way for me,it was a relief when it was over.

Find some head space in all this,if that means being apart for awhile. So be it.

I know I agree. I am working on it. What really sucks in all this is when I moved out before I had it all planned. I went in on my lunch hours and cleaned. Set up my sons room with toys, bed and cool posters and stuff so he would love it right off. Had his bike there. He loved it. Now its unexpected. Which is OK since I am home. I have all I need for my son to be happy. I just don't have the savings like I did before. I had saved for a long time knowing the day was going to come.

Another thing I am having trouble with is my sons birthday party. His birthday is September 22. Every year I do a super huge party. I mail out invites to everyone I know and every kid on the block and his class. It goes late in to the night after the kids leave. It kind of turns in to an adult party then. I don't know what to do. His party is planned for September 16. I have all the goodies for 32 kids bought. This big treasure hunt ready and planned. But I don't want to deal with it if his family is going to be there. I don't want the tension with him and I. I was thinking of just having his school friends over for it and that's it. But I already have all these things bought. I don't want my son to lose out but I don't have it in me now to do it. To watch him have a good time with his family and friends on my dollar. He hasn't helped me yet with it. Not to mention he never helped me with our son last time I moved out. Or with school clothes.

Just swallow it this time. Its for your son and as much as it urks you,be nice to his family because your son loves them.

If your going to do this you have to be ready to get some hassel,from him and his family,but you won't have to keep listening to it.

The night after the party is over you can say to yourself,my son had a good day and I made that happen.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

I know I agree. I am working on it. What really sucks in all this is when I moved out before I had it all planned. I went in on my lunch hours and cleaned. Set up my sons room with toys, bed and cool posters and stuff so he would love it right off. Had his bike there. He loved it. Now its unexpected. Which is ok since I am home. I have all I need for my son to be happy. I just dont have the savings like I did before. I had saved for a long time knowing the day was going to come.

Another thing I am having trouble with is my sons birthday party. His birthday is September 22. Every year I do a super huge party. I mail out invites to everyone I know and every kid on the block and his class. It goes late in to the night after the kids leave. It kind of turns in to an adult party then. I dont know what to do. His party is planned for September 16. I have all the goodies for 32 kids bought. This big treasure hunt ready and planned. But I dont want to deal with it if his family is going to be there. I dont want the tension with him and I. I was thinking of just having his school friends over for it and thats it. But I already have all these things bought. I dont want my son to lose out but I dont have it in me now to do it. To watch him have a good time with his family and friends on my dollar. He hasnt helped me yet with it. Not to mention he never helped me with our son last time I moved out. Or with school clothes.

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When they say trouble comes in three's ,that it no exaggeration.
I can't imagine being in your shoes right now,living together in this situation.

Is there any way you can take some of the goodies back,get your money and have some kind of party that is not going to be emotionally and financially draining?

Or perhaps take your son and one or two friends to a special event?

I don't know his age but there is paintball or laser tag.

Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and he may like not having the party but doing something special with a few buddies.

Maybe you could pick his brain a little and see what he thinks.

Artsy, I had to spread the good...

Some very good points you brought up here...

I agree with red and you artsy. One minute I am thinking to heck with it. I will make it his last bash. Who cares if I have to smile pretty and pretend its perfect. Then the next minute I think to heck with that. I bust my butt for days before to make it perfect. Why bother now for my husband to have a good time with his family on my behalf.

The thing is I am getting him a DS as a gift because he has wanted one for two years now. But of course he doesn't know that. So the other day I asked him if he wanted a party or the DS. He wants the DS. I could use that as a way to get out of the party. But then I miss the huge surprise on his face when he opens his own DS.

Either way I guess my son wins. Its what I think I can handle.

Yes sunny our children always have to be our priority.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

I agree with red and you artsy. One minute I am thinking to heck with it. I will make it his last bash. Who cares if I have to smile pretty and pretend its perfect. Then the next minute I think to heck with that. I bust my butt for days before to make it perfect. Why bother now for my husband to have a good time with his family on my behalf.

The thing is I am getting him a DS as a gift because he has wanted one for two years now. But of course he doesnt know that. So the other day I asked him if he wanted a party or the DS. He wants the DS. I could use that as a way to get out of the party. But then I miss the huge surprise on his face when he opens his own DS.

Either way I guess my son wins. Its what I think I can handle.

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I think that with you, your son will always win.

He will Stringer. I love him to death. That's why I wish I could work around this. All of it including the situation with his father.

The night before this all broke out he said the most off the wall thing to me. Before we moved for a long time I cried constantly. He saw it and it wasn't good. Well just the other night he looks at me and says "mom remember when you used to cry every night" I said "ya honey I remember" He looked me right in the eyes and says "I am glad you dont anymore I didnt like that"

Great! Here we will have to go again.

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Originally Posted by Stringer

I think that with you, your son will always win.

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What were your thoughts Stringer. You mentioned you had some thoughts and never posted.

Two word for you! Chucky Cheese.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

What were your thoughts Stringer. You mentioned you had some thoughts and never posted.

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Thanks for asking Sunny. A lot of what I was thinking has been said already. I feel close to you and I wanted to be objective and that made it difficult. Not that I intended to be negative... not in any way. :) Maybe a bit later when I can digest more of my thoughts. I will PM you later too, if that is OK with you?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Two word for ya!! Chucky Cheese.

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We don't have a Chucky Cheese. I don't even know where the closest one is.

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Thanks for asking Sunny. A lot of what I was thinking has been said already. I feel close to you and I wanted to be objective and that made it difficult. Not that I intended to be negative...not in any way. :) Maybe a bit later when I can digest more of my thoughts. I will PM you later too, if that is ok with you?

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I am OK with that.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

I am ok with that.

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Thanks hon.

Its been a long week at home.

I have been up the entire night last night. Now suddenly my husband wants to work on us. I have repeatedly asked him to leave. Offered to find a place for him. Gave him a time limit. Said many things that made good sense. We aren't in love, we hurt each other, we have no trust. Why am I the only one now that has grown and can see this. We had our chance and this time around the mistake was his. It was make it or break it. He made that choice.

How do I make him realize its never ever going to work. Yes, then he says "we can work on it apart" Got to love that one. I take that as we live apart, I stay single so we can work on it while he has her on the side. But of course how would I know that? But then she will be there when he realizes it was good for us to split.

Part of me deep inside wants to try, but we have been there. I even pulled out the line chuff used that I mentioned earlier. I think that's the issue here. With him anyway. I personally look forward now to being alone. I learned so much from my mistake, this site, my friends I have made here and life since all this happened. Why is it I feel like I am pushing and there is no moving.

Hmmm could be a good weekend for a lawn sale. If you get my meaning.

Good for you Sunny. I am glad you are looking positive at this. You know the right thing to do and you are moving forward with it. That takes a lot but you are a strong independent woman. That right there helps a lot. I am proud of you Sunny!

Your son is definitely your priority. I'm sure others have mentioned this, but you want to act in your son's best interest. Having an unhealthy relationship is definitely not in your son's best interest.

It's good that you're willing to leave the past behind and move forward with you and your son's lives.

In addition to focusing on your son, you should spend some time focusing on yourself and doing things for yourself.

Glad to hear that things are looking up for you!

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Originally Posted by I wish

Your son is definitely your priority. I'm sure others have mentioned this, but you want to act in your son's best interest. Having an unhealthy relationship is definitely not in your son's best interest.

It's good that you're willing to leave the past behind and move forward with you and your son's lives.

In addition to focusing on your son, you should spend some time focusing on yourself and doing things for yourself.

Glad to hear that things are looking up for you!

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I wish, thank you. Things are looking OK for me right now. As hard as it is I am doing OK. I want him to move out and he has been looking for places. He told me he doesn't want to move and I told him I am over the marriage. We have tried to make it work to many times and its time to be happy. I have grown comfortable with separating and welcome it and he is fighting it. I guess at this point I am waiting for him to find a place. I have made the choice to get out more and enjoy my life. I can't dwell on what him and I can't fix. We didn't have the right tools to make this work. We didn't come together and unite as one. Like I said its now making him see and he refuses. Not sure what I will do if he doesn't leave.

Hey sunny, the only way to move forward is to take that step,even if he is not.

Make your plans,make a start.