Ask Me Help Desk - My ex is having a baby and I'm having a mental breakdown

My ex is having a baby and I'm having a mental breakdown

OK, I'll start with a little backstory, so it hopefully makes more sense to people.

I was engaged last year. I was head-over-heels, shoot-to-the-moon-and-back in live with him. We were living together and even had names for our children and were hoping to getting married this summer. Things ended badly, and suddenly. I won't go into details, but he broke several lines of trust and I broke off the relationship and kicked him out.

I did not handle it well. I'm still not OK, and don't plan on ever being in another relationship. It still hurts, badly. There are still a lot of things that make me upset or depressed because they remind me of him.

Well, today I go to check my Facebook and see that he's going to be a father. I'm upset. I want to scream and cry and break something. And I don't know WHY!

I hate asking for personal advice, but if I don't I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I'm not sure what I want. I think I just need people to talk to for a bit.

Right first of all I know I'm only fourteen but I kind of know how it feels, me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now and we have baby names for the future, he might even be moving in with me when he's sixteen.

We do argu a lot but this is because of the past, he broke several lines of trust too. But recently he's changed he realises he'll loose me but anyway, when I've splitten up with him it was awful, I wasn't sleeping/eating or anything. It felt like a piece of me was gone.

"well, today i go to check my facebook and see that he's going to be a father. I'm upset. i want to scream and cry and break something. and i don't know WHY!"

That is because who ever this man is you still love him and you still have strong feelings for him. You don't want that other women to have his kid, you want to have his kid. Its called jealousy but there's ways around that. Have you tried counciling? Get feelings off your chest.

If I was you I'd loose all contact with him, delete his Facebook, number.. email. And try moving on, get busy. Try activaties.

I hope I've helped. Xx

If it is jealousy, which I'm sure is at least part of it, it's not because I want to have his children. That ship sank long ago.

Sorry I didn't specify earlier, I have deleted him from my Facebook. In fact, I deleted and blocked him from everything a long time ago. I found out because Facebook is oh-so-kind and tells you when one of your friends comments on someone else's pictures, without telling you who's pictures they ARE, and he posted ultrasound pictures.

Was he your first love?

Essentially. He was the first person I was ever truly IN love with.

Um, well I don't really know what to say sorry. I'm only fourteen and I'm still learning about emoticons.

The only thing I can say is try and keep your mind oocupied.

Hope things go well xx

Thank you, and you seem a lot smarter than most people your age.

I can understand your feelings.

It's kind of like a slap in the face because you may be feeling that baby should have been yours and his.If things had gone the way you had hoped.

Not to mention ,now that chapter in your life is totally over and perhaps you were still holding out a grain of hope that you would reunite.

I can see why your emotions would be all over the place and I am sure once the shock wears off you will come to accept it.

Don't beat yourself up for having feelings and know that sometimes even if we don't understand why,they get the best of us.

There is not a whole lot you can do at this point. It's over, he broke your trust and now he's having a baby with some one else who he might break their trust also.:(

You need to be thankful it wasn't you, I know that is hard, but you need to get on with your life and start thinking about yourself.

You have enough in you to realize that you needed to talk to someone, so you have enough in you to move on.
It's awful to find these things out through Facebook, but that's life in this era.

Please just concentrate on your own well being and move forward.:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

thank you, and you seem a lot smarter than most people your age.

Thank you :) xx

Ugh - I know the feeling.. I found out my ex was having a baby with the woman he left me for online as well.

Anyway, I can see why it would bother you even if you were the one who ended the relationship. I think deep down inside, you feel that he just moved on, whereas you may have not (as certain things still remind you of him)

Or it can be that although he somehow broke the trust between you both, it would have actually been nice if he would have carried through with the plans you both had together.

Maybe it's a combination of the two.

I think part of it is the thought that if he moved on far enough to be having a baby that he couldn't have been hurt as badly as I was. A huge part of me still thinks that everything was my fault, even though he's the one who screwed up. If I hadn't fallen in love in the first place, no one would have gotten hurt. Ugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

i think part of it is the thought that if he moved on far enough to be having a baby that he couldn't have been hurt as badly as i was. a huge part of me still thinks that everything was my fault, even though he's the one who screwed up. if i hadn't fallen in love in the first place, no one would have gotten hurt. ugh.

Well we can never be too sure - perhaps it was the "other girl" who made him or trapped him to have that baby? I'm almost sure that wasn't planned - you know how guys are, they don't like to plan having babies right away, whereas women love to trap men to keep them that way...

Don't tell yourself it was your fault. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. Maybe he's not even happy - perhaps you'll find a better person.

I have a strong suspicion that the mother is the chick he dated before me, but no proof, and I'm not going looking for any.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dincher

you know how guys are, they don't like to plan having babies right away, wheras women love to trap men to keep them that way...

Yeah, that's how I had all my babies, trapped them I did!:D Suckers that they were and I have all their millions now, just sitting back eating Bon Bons.:D

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

i have a strong suspicion that the mother is the chick he dated before me, but no proof, and I'm not going looking for any.

Well you know how us women are - we have that strong intuition. And if your intuition says so, then there's a good 90% chance that this is the case. But kudos to you for not looking for any proof - it's a complete waste of time at this point.

But that would explain it - she lost him to you, and now she's going to make sure she has him by her side day in and day out - even if it means him paying her child support.

You know, I hate to say it, but I don't know why men fall in this trap. This trap is centuries old and it never fails :mad:

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

i have a strong suspicion that the mother is the chick he dated before me, but no proof, and I'm not going looking for any.

Don't give him the power.Your above that.
He may be miserable for all you know.

This is actually quite common , I've known friends who have gone through this and it's basically a combination of affirmation that it's over for good and also your Ego taking a bit of a whack.

It'll pass just give it time.

I'm 19, and I've seen this with other peoples relationships to certain degrees. Trust is a big issue in relationships, and most can't survive without it. First of all, How long ago had you broken up with him? Because depending on how far along this woman is, I would assume she would be part of the reason.

As far as I'm concerned, If she is part of the reason, then You're definitely better off without him. She can be the one to be with an untrustworthy man if that's what she wants, but you definitely diserve better.

From what I've gathered, and sort of assumed, I think you did the right thing.

It definitely is Initial shock. Part of it could be the fact that he's moved on so quickly. Whether you wanted to be with him in the future or not, you aren't ready for him to take that next step in his future, because, as you said yourself, You aren't planning on being in another relationship. It hurts because he's moved on so quickly, and I'm sure you probably feel like you weren't that important to him. It's his loss if that's the case.

The thing is, is that it's a normal feeling. And many people go through it at one extreme or another. I really do think you should take some time for yourself so that you can rediscover who you are in this part of your life without him.

You may not be planning on being in another relationship, but definitely try to meet new people and make new friends.

Hope I've helped. :)

No, she didn't have a part in our break-up. That was over a year ago and she was in a different state. We broke up because he started trying to tell me what to and then crossed a MAJOR line with one of my best friends (no, he didn't cheat with her). After I broke it off I went through the Internet logs on his account on my computer and found out that he had been visiting incest and child porn sites. Like I said, he broke several lines of trust and the blow out was not pretty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

i went through the Internet logs on his account on my computer and found out that he had been visiting incest and child porn sites. like i said, he broke several lines of trust and the blow out was not pretty.

:eek: You made the right decision to boot him!

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

no, she didn't have a part in our break-up. that was over a year ago and she was in a different state. we broke up because he started trying to tell me what to and then crossed a MAJOR line with one of my best friends (no, he didn't cheat with her). after i broke it off i went through the Internet logs on his account on my computer and found out that he had been visiting incest and child porn sites. like i said, he broke several lines of trust and the blow out was not pretty.

Several lines of trust!! :eek: Call the police, save what you found:eek: My G-D girl he's having a baby, if that is true you need to report it and I don't mean to the pregnant girlfriend. :o

Sorry, you probably already reported it right? Please tell me you did?

I know, friend3u. I don't regret ending it. I regret beginning the relationship, and falling in love, in the first place.

Thanks, njluver. I'm trying to get my mind off it. I plan on watching a movie marathon involving lots of things blowing up and people dying.

Option 2 is just out of the question. I refuse to allow him back in my life or to reestablish contact in any way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Dahlia

Several lines of trust!!!:eek: Call the police, save what you found:eek: My G-D girl he's having a baby, if that is true you need to report it and I don't mean to the pregnant girlfriend. :o

Sorry, you probably already reported it right? Please tell me you did?

There was nothing to report. He made sure that the sites he visited were all CGI and animation, which isn't regulated by law. It's a stupid loophole that excludes material that doesn't involve actual people. Most of the sites were of the hentai/anime variety.

He TRIED to cover his tracks. He clicked on every single popup and banner add known to mankind. Unfortunately for him, I have a mac. My browser logs websites by site name and description, not by url, and only logs them once, instead of every time that site is visited. I could see a list of sites he'd visited, how many times, and for how long. My guess is that he never figured out how to erase the browser history on a mac.

I did send his younger sister and a mutual friend who lives in the same area as his family a DETAILED explanation of why we broke up and what I found. Never got a response from his sister, but I did get an extremely angry email from him after that. He denied everything but the porn sites.

He sounds like a real piece of work.

Now I feel sorry for the girl he's got pregnant.

If it is his ex, then they deserve each other. I feel worse for the kid.

She rescued a cat that had been locked in an empty apartment for more than a week without food and water. When she took it home it didn't get along with her other cats and didn't like being handled. Instead of working on gaining it's trust and actually taking care of it, she locked it in a large closet. She would put food and water in there, but didn't go in to clean out the little box or give the cat any attention. Several weeks later the cat had kittens. I have no idea what she did after that.

Let them have a kid together. I don't see them being able to keep it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

if it is his ex, then they deserve each other. i feel worse for the kid.

she rescued a cat that had been locked in an empty apartment for more than a week without food and water. when she took it home it didn't get along with her other cats and didn't like being handled. instead of working on gaining it's trust and actually taking care of it, she locked it in a large closet. she would put food and water in there, but didn't go in to clean out the little box or give the cat any attention. several weeks later the cat had kittens. i have no idea what she did after that.

let them have a kid together. i don't see them being able to keep it.

Sounds like her house is a mess. :eek:

Most likely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

if i hadn't fallen in love in the first place, no one would have gotten hurt. ugh.

You know when I was younger I heard a phrase that is really true if you think about it. Every relationship ends in tragedy. It's usually either a bad breakup or death. The hurt of a break up sucks, I don't disagree. Part of the problem is it just seems to linger, as opposed a broken bone for example where the pain is in intense but 6-8 weeks later everything is mostly back to normal. The emotional pain is the worst kind of pain. Having said all that, and knowing that if you hadn't fallen in love this would never have happened, there is a true sense of becoming stronger that a break up can offer you if you choose to accept it. If you tell yourself, "Yes this is not great in the moment, but when I overcome these feelings I will be stronger and much better suited to take on the next challenge and relationship" it gives you strength. Ever great growth period in your life was because of a difficult time. Difficult times and situations force us to grow and think differently, and become stronger people. It's horrible to lose someone, but it's awesome to find out how that lose can help you learn more about yourself and your inner strength. I encourage you to start seeing and focusing on the good that is coming from this situation.

The only strength and life lesson I've drawn from it is the knowledge that love, at least for me, only leads to people getting hurt and that if I avoid relationships no one gets hurt.

Oh god wow, If he's been visiting those inappropriate sites then he CLEARLY does not need to be having a child. Not to mention, from what I do understand, child pornagraphy is a HUGE offense legally. People can go to jail for looking at it, I think, WHAT the heck? Yeah, if anything I feel sorry for the child. But really I don't think you should ever tlak to him again, which I'm sure you won't.

WOW

Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

No, I don't mind. I'm 22.

Well, I'm not much older than you, as I've said, but I do know this, give it time. But DO NOT give up entirely. Life is full of disappointments, but it's also filled with many pleasant surprises. You have many years left to your life. Although you may not be ready for a romantic relationship yet at this point of your life, don't entirely give up the thought for the future. In the mean time, just try to surround yourself with good people, who have Morals and Values that you can identify with. Like I said, you could be pleasantly surprised. Don't harm your mental health by blocking everyone out. You need people. Good luck! :)

You usually find that special person when you aren't even looking ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

no, she didn't have a part in our break-up. that was over a year ago and she was in a different state. we broke up because he started trying to tell me what to and then crossed a MAJOR line with one of my best friends (no, he didn't cheat with her). after i broke it off i went through the Internet logs on his account on my computer and found out that he had been visiting incest and child porn sites. like i said, he broke several lines of trust and the blow out was not pretty.

:eek: creepy.
Keep that image in your head and be grateful you are away from someone with a severe psycho sexual disease.