Im 27 years old and have been in a relationship for 7 years. We love each other very much and been through a lot. We did break up for a year and a half a couple of years ago.
We have since grown up a lot and have got past the past and leaving it there, however my problem is there is no affection or intimacy and Im contemplating finding it elsewhere. He has an intense communication problem so we have never been able to really talk about our problems, its just a one way conversation me talking to a brick wall.
We talk a lot about stuff we have in common and he makes me laugh a lot, I have unconditional love for him and he feels like my best friend however when it comes to our relationship you can't get anything out of him. Ive tried and tried till Im blue in the face to talk about this but he won't budge I've even told him Ill go elsewhere and still he can't express his feelings. I don't think he grew up in a communicating environment like me, my familys all about speaking what's on our minds.
I don't know what to do, be starved of affection or find it somewhere else quietly and keep him in my life (risking complications). Im also concerned as to whether he has lost attraction, I don't know but Im worried Im wasting my youth and living like we've been married for 40 years. Maybe the sparks gone and we just love each other in a non physical way? Im worried too because I know he must be feeling like this too and I don't want him to be unhappy either, Ive even asked him if he wanted an open relationship or to see other people and guess what I got in reply? Nothing. So Im done, don't know what the hell to do, some suggestions would be great, thanks.:

I think that if you are not able to communicate and not able to meet on a intimate level you need to move on. Communication is key in a relationship and without the intimate connection you have nothing. You deserve more than cheating though. Cheating or an open relationship will get you what? Not what you are in it for. Take some time to really speak with him and let him know that you are moving on if you are not able to get what you are looking for. You do deserve better and so does he.

Yeah we do, thanks

Have you two tried counseling? Would he even consider it? If so then I'd say don't throw in the towel yet. Even if he won't consider maybe you should to give yourself a better more clear perspective on everything and a healthy way to get things off your mind. Good luck!

Relationships like this are like hitting your head repeatedly against a brick wall. It's really difficult to change someone's lifetime pattern of relating - only they can, if they choose to.

You want love, affection and communication - he either doesn't, or he's too afraid to change. Either way, it's not working.

Perhaps you would be better off as friends because if you continue this way, your distress will turn into resentment and eat away at the things that you like about him.

Difficult as it may seem, moving on may be the only way to shift things for both you and him.

I have asked him to come to counseling with me and he's said no. I've also thought maybe we would be better off as friends and we are good friends its just the hard work of ending it and dealing with not being together that I guess I have to start thinking about. Maybe I have to put it all out on the table once more and let him know Im absolutely serious and either we sort this out with counseling or we just be friends. Thanks guys you've confirmed what Ive been thinking.

Maybe his words are absent, but what do his actions say??

Specifically what's he lacking to you??

Have you considered that he is happy and wonders where your coming from?

You said you are thinking of finding affection elsewhere.

That may never happen.You might find a guy who communicates but he may not have the other assets that your BF has.

Bottom line,in any relationship is you don't get a perfect mate who answers every need.

You must have realistic expectations for a long term relationship.
The hearts and flowers does not last forever.

If you can discuss the big issues and you don't fight and you love each other and he is your best friend,it sounds like you have a pretty good thing going.He makes you laugh,that is a great thing!

No one gets it all! You take the good with the bad and as Tal asked what do his actions show you?

Maybe you need to change your approach to this and see if there is a compromise that will work for you,instead of trashing what appears to be a pretty decent relationship.

How to Get Him to Share His Feelings

Yeah I realise its not all hearts and flowers forever, but Im 27 and have no sex and no affection and no his actions say just as much as he says, nothing. Apart from these things we get on really well but these are pretty important to me as far as a relationship goes.

I can't imagine a
"deer in the headlights response"
From your girl asking
"do you want us to open this relationship up?"
You would expect a
"hell no!"
Or maybe a "hell yea!"
But nothing?
I'm confused.

Now you know how I feel, confused. Its really frustrating because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

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Originally Posted by smiley8

Yeah I realise its not all hearts and flowers forever, but Im 27 and have no sex and no affection and no his actions say just as much as he says, nothing. Apart from these things we get on really well but these are pretty important to me as far as a relationship goes.

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I missed the part about no sex.
And also the attitude of "I don't care",Or is it more "everything looks good from my end".

I guess at some point it has to be where you have the conversation about splitting up, speak from your heart.

It sounds like you have some great things happening between you two and it seems to me you may be willing to fight for your relationship but he has to as well.

I wish you the best.

Thanks all for your suggestions, I think I know what I have to do now. Counseling or move on, I can't have a relationship where there is no communication or affection. Thanks again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smiley8

Thanks all for your suggestions, I think I know what I have to do now. Counseling or move on, I can't have a relationship where there is no communication or affection. Thanks again.

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I'm sorry,I don't feel like I gave you any real suggestion's.

Has your man always been kind of non communicative?

New thing?

If he was a sharer in the past ,you know what he is capable of so his not doing it now takes on a different meaning.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smiley8

now you know how I feel, confused. Its really frustrating because it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me.

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Coming to a help site is a good thing
Also you can stir things up not by cheating by whatever comes natural
Some woman have tried dressing all sexy making a nice meal
Doesn't always work
Think up a way that you feel he should really respond
A talk after you get him somewhere
Use your own imagination
And if it fails break out the big guns
My favorite line"wake-up call"

The last thing you should do is cheat on him. It will compromise your principles( I think you have those, because I can tell you really don't want to). It will also make him hate you, and you will regret it when you move on. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, or put some work into this relationship, then you must move on. Don't wait around for people to change, because they hardly ever do. Most times, they get set in their ways and even get worse. The world is full of guys, and you shouldn't go through life without affection. We crave it (most do), as humans, it's our nature to be close to others. Especially sex. It's a hard thing to do, but you both will get over it. I wish you the best.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smiley8

Thanks all for your suggestions, I think I know what I have to do now. Counseling or move on, I can't have a relationship where there is no communication or affection. Thanks again.

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There's nothing wrong with wanting what every human does (well most) and that is love, communication, and affection. I guess what I was getting at in my earlier post is that if you haven't, try counseling. But if he's not willing to do that then nobody would expect you to live your life without those things you find important in a relationship. Just be careful that if you decide to leave do it with no regrets knowing you tried everything. Because it sounds like you really love and care for him a lot. Sorry if I sounded a bit preachy in my earlier post about counseling it wasn't meant that way but it may help to clear your head even if its just so you can have someone that will be there to listen and support you in a more personal way, it really does help. My marriage has seen its bad and good times and I guess I've been through it enough to see that over time with hard work and persistence my marriage is stronger and we are closer but its not perfect and I do feel for you. Either way I wish you the best!

There won't be any cheating, I feel bad just talking about it behind his back. I've just been going over all my options.

Dear Smiley8... You can't change him. I think you are thinking of seeking affection elsewhere and staying with him is because you feel safe where you. You are young and should not be wasting time in a situation that you are in.
I am 45 and have been with my husband since my 21st b-day and 75% of the time I am lonely. My problem is I am getting old and starting over doesn't sound easy.
He can always be your friend but if you aren't getting what you need. I suggest... move on

Some men are very un-confrontational
They avoid a disagreement at all cost
You have to step up to the plate to relay your message at whatever the cost

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smiley8

Thanks all for your suggestions, I think I know what I have to do now. Counseling or move on, I can't have a relationship where there is no communication or affection. Thanks again.

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I would have thought that communication was integral to a partnership and that this was non-negotiable. Not communicating is just opting out, in my mind.

Sometimes it's about being clear what our priorities are in a relationship... you know what you want, and now you know what you don't want. Good luck!

smiley8
I hope to hear from you about how this works out... good luck