My boyfriend ran into one of his ex-girlfriends a while back. The story is, they dated for about a year. He moved to Hawaii for a job and she was supposed to quit her job and go with him, but instead she found another boyfriend at work and didn't move. Two years have passed and they ran into each other at a reunion and now she's calling all the time. My boyfriend thinks nothing of it, but in the past few months she has called to tell him that she recently broke up with her boyfriend, has started exercising and lost a lot of weight. She is planning a trip to Hawaii to visit.

You should have a serious talk with your boyfriend.her behaviour is odd.does she know about you?

You got to ask yourself how much you trust your boyfriend. If you trust him, then let him handle the situation. If you don't trust him, then you definitely need to confront him about your concerns.

I trust my boyfriend wholeheartedly. I know he loves me and would never hurt me. It's the woman that I don't trust. My boyfriend is friends with all his ex's, and his friendliness is probably mistaken as flirting. He talks about me when his ex's call, but they still call and want to see him. I had a bad experience with one of my boyfriend's ex's. I got annoyed at how she would always hang around him at office parties, so I walked up to her and showed her the diamond ring he gave me, and she almost burst into tears right on the spot. I felt really bad, but my boyfriend said that his ex needed "to deal with it".
I'm afraid that when this other ex flies over for an "innocent" visit, she will get a very expensive dose of reality when she realizes she can't get him back either.
I'd like to save her the trip, but I can't wait to show her my ring.

If you trust your boyfriend then you have to trust that he can and will handle this is an appropriate way.

Not trusting her motives is reasonable but bottom line ,he has to be the one to make her understand it is only friendship.

Personally,I would not like it.

To be friends with an ex should mean limited contact.

If I see you I say hi and we are friendly and civil.

Hanging out and being best buds,no,I wouldn't like it.

There are too many past emotional ties to be considered.I don't trust her motives.I would keep a very close eye on them if I were you.

Sounds fishy.

Sorry, that's to far out of bounds for me. Going to visit a newly available ex, without you, crosses many boundaries of respect. Its not a matter of trust, but respect. No I wouldn't like it one bit, and would let my partner know it. That's carrying friendship a bit to far, in my opinion.

Actually T-man, it's the other way around... she is newly single and is coming over here to see him.
What on earth is she thinking? I'm hoping she'll come to her senses. Just because she lost weight and may have some self-confidence doesn't mean that she can win her ex back.

On a side note: ONE thing that my boyfriend LOVES about me is that I exercise to stay healthy. It really BUGS me that several of his ex-girlfriends think they can win him back if they just lose some weight... WRONG!! From what my boyfriend has told me, I've got more of what he wants in a girlfriend than they ever could have... but still they try!

I'm starting to smell a rat here-what kind of signals are your boyfriend sending out for these exes to think they can get back with him?

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On a side note: ONE thing that my boyfriend LOVES about me is that I exercise to stay healthy. It really BUGS me that several of his ex-girlfriends think they can win him back if they just lose some weight... WRONG!! From what my boyfriend has told me, I've got more of what he wants in a girlfriend than they ever could have... but still they try!

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Looks aren't everything and a nice body is not a foundation for a good relationship.It is very superficial to even place any focus on.

They are crossing a line, and tell your boyfriend this. The most common problem in relationships is the lack of communication. I, for one, have no problem voicing my displeasure when something is going on that I don't like. You have to be prepared to stand your ground before things get out of hand. You need to sit him down and talk about this.

My boyfriend says that he loves me and would never do anything to ruin that. He said that he didn't tell his ex-GF to come visit him, so therefore he's not going to tell her not to come visit him. He says I'm being suspicious for no reason. She's supposedly coming over around Thanksgiving.

I think that it's inappropriate for her to be visiting him without you there, and he needs to indicate to her that he's in a serious, committed relationship.

I note from your previous posts that there was a problem with another ex that had cancer - is this the same one?

It's all very well for him to say to you that he can't tell her NOT to come and see him - of course he can. I think that this is a cop-out. He likes the attention, and you might like to call him on that.

I'm not saying that he's untrustworthy, I'm just saying that he's playing a dangerous game.

Did he at least bother to tell her he was in a relationship? No way is this appropriate. Not in my mind any way.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Did he at least bother to tell her he was in a relationship?? No way is this appropriate. Not in my mind any way.

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He's told her that he is in a relationship. I overhear him talking about me when he's on the phone with her. My boyfriend was highly commitment phobic before he met me. His former relationships usually only lasted a year before the women dumped him because he was so non-committal. I think this ex is trying to stir up trouble and wants to be around when it happens. But it's not going to happen, she misunderstood my boyfriend when she was dating him, and she is misunderstanding him now.
When my boyfriend talks to her on the phone, it sounds no different than when he talks with his other male friends. My boyfriend acts clueless when I even suggest that his ex wants him back. I'm not worried about my relationship, I just hate seeing a desperate woman make a total fool of herself. I sort of know how it feels.

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Originally Posted by gemini 54

I note from your previous posts that there was a problem with another ex that had cancer - is this the same one?

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This is not the same one. The ex that had cancer died about a month ago.

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but he really says it's just a friendship.

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Well in that case he can let her know that he doesn't want to see her - particularly if you're so worried that she'll make a fool of herself.

Save her the indignity.

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I'm not worried about my relationship, I just hate seeing a desperate woman make a total fool of herself. I sort of know how it feels.

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All due respect, but that's a leap, as to her motives, an assumption on your part, forget that!

You make sure your b/f knows EXACTLY how you feel without being overbearing, just so he knows where you stand, then you back away, and let him handle it his way.

Ummm honey, your boyfriend/fiancee is playing games with you. The fact that you say he is just friendly, but comes off as flirty to his ex'es would be a red flag for me. He knows from past experiences how you have felt about another ex, and he is trying to chalk it up like you are the one that is overreacting. My bet is he LOVES all this attention, and knows exactly what he is doing by not cutting ties with ex'es that have not fully moved on from him. He sounds selfish, and maybe playing with you.

My boyfriend is dense when it comes to figuring out women. I'm sure he loves the attention that his ex's give him, but I don't think he'd ever get emotionally involved with them again. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens again.

From what my boyfriend tells me about her, if history repeats itself, she'll probably find another boyfriend before Thanksgiving and not fly over.

But is that okay with you to live like that, hoping and waiting to see what happens. I believe, and believe me I learned this the hard way, that when your relationship ends up wondering if you can truly believe what the other is saying to you, that you don't 100% trust the other person, is it really worth sticking around and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, history does repeat itself and in your boyfriends case, he has had issues with ex'es being upset about him moving on, and it is almost like he encourages their behavior by not just saying, you need to move on and contact needs to be cut in order for that to happen. Instead he is almost encouraging the behavior, and that to me is a HUGE red flag. As I said before, this is your relationship, I am only offering advice, cause like others on here, we have been there and done that, we can show you the scenic route, but if you want to continue to find out for yourself, I wish you luck and hope that he does not end up breaking your heart. Good luck!

I've been down this road with one of his other ex's. When my relationship was new, I felt insecure and paranoid about the ex's. I am now more secure with my relationship, but I truly dislike being around his ex's because my first instinct is to let my diamond do the talking. And my diamond says, "there's a reason why I'm on this hand and not yours". My boyfriend doesn't like to be the bad guy, but his other ex left us alone after she saw my ring. I told him that I don't like being put in that position, but he thinks it's all just a coincidence that his ex's finally give up after I show them my ring.

So my original point is not that I distrust my boyfriend, it is a distrust of the women that want to spend time with their non-available ex's.

Can women really be just friends with the ex boyfriends that didn't want to marry them?

I will be having a bit more thanks this Thanksgiving because the boyfriend and I are going away to visit family. I don't think his ex will be coming around now, but things could change.

Funny how life sucks sometimes. I thought I had the perfect love, but I was in a dream world. The end of this story will have me visiting my family by myself, and my new ex- boyfriend will be free to visit his ex.

How are you?
Have you broken up?
Share some more if you can please.

I'm doing OK. Sometimes love isn't enough.

I took a new job and I was spending less time with my boyfriend. I guess we were only stable when I could be with him all the time. If he needs a girlfriend 24/7 then I'm really not the girl for him anymore, and I have to let him go so he can be happy. I still love him so much, but I know he needs more than I can give him. I need this job, and if he can't understand that, then he's too selfish.

I hope you re OK.Breakups are tough.
He sounds selfish and spoiled.
Good luck with the new job.

I'm sorry to hear about your break up. It sounds like a very insecure and unhealthy relationship. You might have had your good times, but relationships are suppose to be more natural.

Sounds like you're doing well on your own though. You've got lots to look forward to. Good luck!

Thanks everyone. I've realized that my boyfriend is selfish and probably a bit insecure. He likes female attention, and usually he gets it from me because we hung out together almost 24/7. Now that I'm working a longer shift and commuting longer, I don't get to spend much quality time with him.
We've talked since the break-up and he swears he would never and has never cheated on me... flirting is just something he says he does. I guess it was OK when it was with me because I was always around. Now he says he flirts with others because, "you're not around". It upsets me, eventho he says he wouldn't act on it. I truly loved him, but he seemed so insensitive to my job-stress, so I broke up with him. He says he still loves me. I wanted to give him back his diamond ring, but he told me to keep it. I'm heart is aching and my brain is turning to mush.

All breakups are very tough even if you re the one who left. There is not a proper relationship however if there s no real communication respect and understanding -and my take on your ex is that he is immature and expects others to do most of the work in the relationship. There s also been the ongoing .insecurity as regards his exes which you ve found upsetting. He needs to grow up and realise that other people are as important as he is..

Hi makapuu

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup , but I'm sure with the time you've spent here on AMHD and the good advice you've given to other people you'll be more equipped to handle it better.

Good Luck!

Thanks Friend,
I am struggling with my responses to others because my own relationship fell apart. It's also hard to take in the responses from others because I somehow feel my situation is different from the others. It seems so clear when I hear the stories of others and reply, yet in my own personal struggles I'm in a fog.

I'm sure I'm breaking all the rules, but I am following my heart.

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Originally Posted by makapuu

It's also hard to take in the responses from others because I somehow feel my situation is different from the others.

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Ha Ha... I haven't heard that before ;)

You'll be fine I'm sure.

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I'm sure I'm breaking all the rules, but I am following my heart.

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Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Trust me on that one.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Trust me on that one.

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Tal
You really should make a thread with all your rules!!

Love em' :)

My supervisor told me that my boyfriend had requested a transfer to be closer to me! He wanted to surprise me, but just in case he didn't get it, he didn't want me to be disappointed. I'm mad because he let me fly off the handle for nothing, but a part of me knows that he really loves me. He let me cry my eyes out for almost two weeks, I had no idea that he even cared. He's a jerk sometimes. His transfer will probably get approved because he has seniority over the newer guy. I think I have to take back everything I said to him. I'm going to confront him now, and probably lose control of my emotions again!

I think the best thing for me to do is to work on fixing my relationship. AMHD has been a big help to me, but I feel like an emotional yo-yo in here now. I need to take a break from this.
I hope love conquers all.

I hope it works out for you and that you go on to have an emotionally stable relationship.

Do you think he made you sweat it out for attention... like he did with his ex girlfriends? Do you think that he is a bit of a narcissist by making other girls want to commit to him, and then leaving? Is there a pattern to his behavior that you notice... along these lines?

Hope it works out with you though.