I need some advice. Please do not give the standard "Move On" advice.

My GF broke up with me last Tuesday and I want to recover the relationship.

We broke up the Tuesday before that. The reason she stated was that she didn't have the feelings that she thought she should. The week before that I told her that I loved her and I think I spooked her. She became distant after that and then she broke up with me.

Here are some other details that I feel are important to the situation;

We had being going out for 6 1/2 months.

She initiated daily contact throughout the Relationship

She was always cuddly and affectionate

We had a very good physical relationship

3-4 weeks before the break up she went on vacation with her mother and father but called me daily. When she returned, she brought me back an expensive & thoughtful gift for my B-Day.

She also encouraged her kids to be close to me. She had them make me B-day cards. (She is very good mother and would not do this if she was having doubts.) She would also suggest to them that they give me hugs. She could also see that one of her kids was getting close to me and made no effort to stop that. She would say things to her like "are you with your (my name)"

In the weeks before the break up she has been very stressed by work. She was complaining on a daily basis that she was stressed, missing deadlines and exhausted.

A couple of days after I told her that I loved her she said she was feeling overwhelmed.

The day after that I was with her and her kids and she had to prepare for the next day so I suggested I leave with my kids. She said I shouldn't leave. I should let the kids play and I should keep her company while she got ready. If she was having doubts would she not have agreed that I should leave?

During the break up conversation, she said that she felt like she was being pulled in a million directions and had everyday planned out and had no time to be by herself. She also said a few times that she wasn't sure. She also said that she felt like she was going to be sick. She went on to say that she didn't understand it because I did everything that she likes and everything right. (her words)


I think there is more here than what she is saying. I think her actions are speaking louder than her words. I have a feeling that I spooked her by telling her that I love her. I also think that she is very stressed out.

However, I'm not sure what to do next. I really like her and I don't want to make the mistakes I have made in the past. At this point I have not spoken to her since the breakup. I have gone no contact with her and I am trying to give her some space. (It's hard to do) My question is how long should I do that for? I've done some searching on the internet and everything seems to be about getting back together after a big fight. I don't think that information applies. It's not like I can say sorry for saying I Love You.

Some suggestions would be helpful please. (As I said before, I'm not looking for give up and move on)

Stay as you are is my advice.

Has she said anything like, "I want space" or anything to that effect?
If not, I think you should email/text her. You don't want to give her the idea that you no longer want to be friends with her. It sounds as though you guys had a healthy and close relationship, so the communication should build up after that.
I'm not sure about getting back together with her. I would suggest (if you haven't already) telling her you are still open to a relationship with her. Hopefully, she will reciprocate. If not, why damage a good friendship?
You both sound like kind honest people, and I wish you the best of luck in life.

You give her space until she says she has had enough, and isn't stressed, confused, or overwhelmed.

She will let you know when this happens, and make a decision for herself.

You just have to live your own life, and let her make that decision on her own, without your influence.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You give her space until she says she has had enough, and isn't stressed, confused, or overwhelmed.

She will let you know when this happens, and make a decision for herself.

You just have to live your own life, and let her make that decision on her own, without your influence.

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Should I communicate with her at all? I was thinking of sending her a simple email just saying something like "How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while."

We talked every day for 6 1/2 months. I'm afraid of giving her the idea that I don't want to see her or talk to her again.

If its NC you re doing you really shouldn't. Let her get in touch when she s ready to talk.

Sounds like you had a good thing going on that lasted for over 6 months. There's no much you could do more at this point to make her feel differently about you. She asked for space, so respect her wishes. Contacting her would be disrespecting her wishes. Prove to her that you respect her by leaving her alone.

It's best if you leave her alone for a while for her to sort out her problems on her own. Once she figures out her issues, she will find out. Until then, you need to continue to live your life.

You said that you didn't want to make the same mistakes again. Well, then spend this time working on yourself.

I don't think that there was anything wrong with you telling her that you love her. Now she knows how you really feel about her. So when she's ready, she will come find you.

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We talked every day for 6 1/2 months. I'm afraid of giving her the idea that I don't want to see her or talk to her again.

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You don't want to disrespect her request either. And you don't want to be in the friends zone either, do you?

What you had is over, and for anything else to start, she has to want it to, as you do now. If she doesn't, there is little you can do to change a persons mind, except give them reasons to confirm the reason she wanted space in the first place.

Hi,

I feel there is no harm in keeping in touch. But, you should take care, she must not feel that, you are forcing her into a relationship.

Only be her friend and assure her that, you are there, when ever she need you. It mean so much for a woman specially with kids.

Let her realize herself that she love you. Be kind to her. Don't say by words but make her

Realize that, "her no" won't affect your friendship.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't want to disrespect her request either. And you don't want to be in the friends zone either, do you?

What you had is over, and for anything else to start, she has to want it to, as you do now. If she doesn't, there is little you can do to change a persons mind, except give them reasons to confirm the reason she wanted space in the first place.

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The friends zone is a little different here. We have been friends for more than 15 years. We went to high school together and there was an attraction at that point but for unrelated reasons we never came together. However, we were friends.

After high school, we lost contact for around 10 years. She got married and had 2 kids, I got married and had 2 kids. Both our marriages failed and a year or so later, we ended up running in to each other. One thing led to another and we ended up going out. Now here we are 6 1/2 months later.

Even when she broke up with me, she said It's not like I hate you, We've been friends for a long time.

If you are friends for that long period then there is only one thing that, she is not sure about her feelings for you.

Let her be sure. She might be thinking that is she get in a stable relation with you and it will not work then kids might suffer. So be her friend.

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Originally Posted by dipti jain

If you are friends for that long period then there is only one thing that, she is not sure about her feelings for you.

Let her be sure. She might be thinking that is she get in a stable relation with you and it will not work then kids might suffer. So be her friend.

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I really do feel that something is there. I think I scared her or came on to strong when she wasn't ready. I also think that her stress level has something to do with it.

I am prepared to give her some time to work it out. However, patience is my problem. I want it now! I know I have to give her some time though.

I have been fighting the urge to break the ice and see what happens. I want to send her a quick email and say "I haven't heard from you in a bit, I hope everything is ok" I'm not sure if I should or not. I know a guy that went out with her once. We got talking about it at one point and I told her that he was pretty crushed when they broke up. Her reply was that he never contacted her or tried to get back together. I wonder if that is a reason that I should at least say something.

On the other hand, she did say she was very stressed and that she feels pulled in a million directions and has almost no time to herself. Plus is has only been a week.

The hardest part of giving someone the space they asked for is, the waiting to be told how they feel about you. Understandable. Our own feelings are what makes us impatient.

Don't give in, get out and do your thang rather than dwell on when, and what if.

Time flies when YOUR having fun, that is if you have your own thang to do, without them.

Of course you should mail her. I think this is the best thing to do. Because with this

1) She will come to know that you care about her more, than having relationship with her.

2) you will be in touch with her and she will get a chance, if she want to come together again.

3) Being in touch with her you will always get an idea of how she feels for you.

Remember don't push her in a relationship. I feel you love her very much. So let the love find its way.

This is not a decision she made overnight so she has thought hard and long about this and her mind is made up for the moment. You can go over and over the things she did that made you think you knew what her feelings were , but the reality is her Action of leaving speaks a lot more than the so called words you believed.

The more you try to contact her at the moment the more likely that it will just push her away further. She knows you Love her because you told her , no need to reinforce in an email what may be one of the reasons she made her decision to leave.

As most of the others have said you really just need to give her what she asked for and that is a bit of space and let her sort herself out. Not easy I know but that's the best thing to do.

Good Luck!

Don't email her. Give her a quick call. Just cause she said no or wants to break up, doesn't mean you should leave her be. Keep trying. Don't become passion less like half of the world, who gives a damn more about their dignity and pride more than love. No wonder there are so much divorces these days cause people stopped trying.

Take her out for a quick lunch or something. Just be there for her

You never know what's on a girls mind. Girls thinks differently from guys. I am in favor of a quick mail. At least she will know that you are still her friend. No matter whether she wants to be with you or not. A girl always like to be known that there is someone who care for her.

Regarding a call or a mail ? Even few written words can do magic if there are real feeling.

A mail just saying "I haven't heard from you in a bit, I hope everything is ok".

I think the whole 'I hope you're okay' line is getting played out. Use something different and try something different. I think a quick call would do better cause then you can still hear her voice and see how she reacts.

Seems like there are so many better things to do, than waste time trying to kiss up to a ex, that has dumped you.

You've listed all these things that HAPPENED in your 6 1/2 months together that indicate her feeling towards you. Nobody will dispute that she DID enjoy being with you, that during THAT time she wanted to be with you, obviously THAT time has passed by. Using the good parts of the relationship as a means to convince yourslef these things still apply is not going to work.

Also, this contact stuff and those that think it wise to message her or call her or come up with some unique line to show how much you care, in my opinion, is going to hurt you. I mean she started all of this because you said you love her, that's not a good sign. Also, here she is saying in quite plain English that she wants space and your plan is to not give it to her?? I suppose this is her way of saying I really, really, want to be with you and hear from you but I'm going to say the exact opposite of that and break up with you with the hopes that you will fight to get me back. Ummm OK.

Clearly, your not accepting this. You say you do not want to make thesamemistakes again but your making the same mistakes everyone makes in situations like these regardless of all the posts on this topic and their eventual conclusions. Oh, and we are not to advise you to move on.

I'm just painting the picture based on what you've said, if you don't see the reality of it your bound to do the least helpful thing in getting her back. Please take time to consider this.

Best of luck.

I did end up talking to her over MSN. (throughout most of out relationship we have talked consistently over MSN)

I noticed twice on Friday that she came on line from work for a minute or 2 and then left again. She then did it twice on Tuesday. She never comes online from work.

On the second time she came on, I decided to say hi.

She gave me a friendly hi back and we chatted back and forth for 15 minutes. (It seemed like 2 minutes) There was lots of laughing and smiling and then I said I better let her get back to work. She said she should and then added that it was nice chatting. I came away feeling great. As soon as she came online we started chatting and as soon as we were done, she left. I had the impression that she was coming fishing for me to say something or trying to get up the nerve to say something herself. Just a guess though.

Since then, I have chatted with her twice and she has said that she will talk me later.

Today I got back in the office and she was online again from work so I decided to hi again. She said hi back and then said that she was about to go offline. I told her that I wouldn't keep her from work and she said "Ok, yes, I better get back to work, I will talk to you later"

Since I started writing this, we have started talking again. She has been telling me about the trouble her kids are getting in to.

And advice for a next step?

I'm married to a woman who was a single mother for 12 years.

I think the "rules" are different here.

I think if you want to reach out to her, you should... a couple of times. After that, be done.

It took time for my wife and I to come to a place where we were comfortable with being together, even tho' we were good together right away as friends. Children simply complicate the relationship.

Now... before I get reddied for that comment let me say I hung in there for almost two years... her child said she HATED me... took several years for her to see the good in me even when I saw it in her immediately.

So... I guess my advice is that a single mother of a child isn't in the same situation as a single woman.

And sometimes you need to be brave and willing to try a little harder than you'd like.

If I walked away when I thought I should I wouldn't have my son.

So... no easy answer.

At some point you need to be willing to walk away and believe you deserve to be chased. But at the same time, knowing this person as long as you have, I think its OK to extend yourself a few times and to keep the door open some.

A parents first priority should be the health of the child. Doesn't mean the parents/partners relationship should be neglected at the child's expense.

But having been in a similar place, tho' not the same, id say give a single mother a few more chances to be open to your love.

After that... well... I honestly believe there are loves in our lives who are true loves but at the wrong times... I know of two women I believe I could have loved the rest of my life, but it was the "wrong time" for our relationship.

Sucks to be in this place... and this is where you might be... with the "right woman" at the wrong time... but it does happen.

Take a few more shots just to know you tried all you could. After that... you need to walk away knowing you did all you could.

My wife and I met at an italian place at a critical moment... both of us thinking this was the "goodbye" dinner. Somehow we both came away knowing we were both honestly interested... life was getting in the way... and we gave it more time...

Sorry you are in this place. Don't be afraid to extend yourself a few more times.

And don't be afraid to walk away if that is what you need. You deserve to be chased too.
If she isn't ready for that... well... its "bad timing"...

Now don't do anything more than chat over MSN.

This is the response I expected from her.

Let her initiate anything further.

If you will do anything she will feel you are trying to push her.

She hadn't dumped you. She is not sure whether to continue with you or not.

There is a big difference in both the things. All the best.

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Originally Posted by dipti jain

Now don't do anything more than chat over MSN.

This is the response i expected from her.

Let her initiate anything further.

If you will do anything she will feel you are trying to push her.

She hadn't dumped you. She is not sure whether to continue with you or not.

There is a big difference in both the things. All the best.

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Thank you for the advice. Please expand on your thinking here. I'm not sure what you mean by "She hadn't dumped you...." and "There is a big difference...."

Also, because it seems that this is all because I put too much pressure on her and rushed things too much (This was never my intention, but I think that is how she feels) I wrote her an email saying that I was sorry and that I never intended to rush the relationship, I was happy the taking it easy and the way it was. Do you think I should send it or hold in to it for a while?

I have initiated contact (through MS) 3 or 4 times now. When we talk, she seems OK and she laughs. But she hasn't initiated contacting me. I don't know what to make of this. Maybe I'm expecting things too soon?

She has dumped you, and you know it. Don't be fooled into thinking you have not been.

Sounds like your in the friend zone, and need to back away. If she is feeling so overwhelmed in just 6 months, then you two may have been moving way to fast for her to make adjustments, so let her. She will let you know. You have to give her that time to think without your influence,

I would suggest in the future, taking more time for dating, and getting to know each other better, before letting the kids get involved with who you are dating.

Too much, to fast, crash and burn.

Your not on the same page-she needs space so she can find out what she wants from life-you seem to be spending most of your time trying to figure out how to get back to where you were.that was then-now is now-and tomorrow s tomorrow.you seem to be spending a lot of time trying to secondguess your ex.you cant. She said she needs space-give it to her.

Well, I cannot elaborate a thinking and feeling of a single mother interested in someone but thinking again and again.

There are always ups and downs in life be it any relation and a true relation comes out of it. Any mother always prefer her kids well being then her happiness. But it doesn't mean she give up her life. Here also, she needs time to think what is right for her life.

According to me, you initiated contact more than 2 times which was sufficient to let her know, you are still open for her.

But don't initiate chat with her now. If she feel happy with you, she will initiate it. Be patient. You had done enough on your part. Even if you meet online let her take step first.

So I decided that I had broken the ice and wasn't going to contact her any more for a month. I hadn't talked to her in about 4 days then the oddest thing happened. I came home yesterday and there was a message on my phone from her son, asking if my son could call him. I find this very odd considering her son doesn't know my phone number and she would have to dial it for him. I know there is no way that she would let him get hurt (emotionally) so why would she let him call me. It doesn't seem appropriate if she wants to be broken up.

I left it alone until this morning and sent her an email saying that I got the message late and would have my son call him tonight. I was also polite and asked her how her weekend was and wished her a good day. (My kids and her kids get along very well and they talk about each other all the time when they are not there)

I got an email back from her telling me all about what they did on the weekend and how they didn't get to do all the things they wanted because she had a headache yesterday and that they went to the movies and how she didn't like the movie but the kids did. She then went on to tell me that she will tell her son that my son will call him tonight and how excited he will be to hear that. She then told me that she hoped I had a good day too.

I find all of this very confusing.

ImaGuy, I just broke contact recently myself. I went 1 month of NC and basically our relationship ended because life got in the way as well plus the distance (LD relationship). I have to say I agree with kp2171's post above about taking a shot. I did the other night. I feel OK about it. I think the only time you should make contact is when the emotional dust has settled. I reached out to her to keep the door open. I wasn't needy, desperate or anything. We both said we missed each other, but I didn't go further with that. I think you need to maybe slow down just a tad and like everyone else said, wait for her move now. You've already inititiated contact too much it seems and are reading into everything she does.

In my opinion, only make contact with your ex when you're fully prepared for the worst and will be able to take the worst. Chances are, they don't usually tell you what you want to hear. I've sort of been going back and forth in my head about our tiny text conversation from the other night because I may be reading too much into it. But I was prepared for that. I know her life is still sort of chaotic and will continue to give her space. I've been OK since.

Good luck to you, and I hope you can move on as a happier and better person through this relationship. Take care.

Imaaguy wouldn't smother her right now, she doesn't need that. Let her make the moves! It seems you are do the trying more so, and she doesn't need that. You have to back off and respect her wishes. IF this relationship is to go anywhere its now up to her. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by sully123

Imaaguy wouldn't smother her right now, she doesn't need that. Let her make the moves! It seems you are do the trying more so, and she doesn't need that. You have to back off and respect her wishes. IF this relationship is to go anywhere its now up to her. Good luck.

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Maybe I wasn't clear in how I described the events of the last couple of days. I contacted her last week for the purpose of breaking the ice. I hadn't contacted her in serveral days and wasn't planning on contacting her for a while.

However, she helped her son to contact me looking for my son. I replied to the contact to say that I would have him return the call. What I got back was a long description of what she did this weekend and how excited her son will be to hear from my son.

I find this very strange but I don't see it as a negative. However, after my son returns the call, I will continue to not contact her unless she contacts me.

That is fine, for your son to contact her son. But for now, as much as your hurting, I would just give her the space she wants. Let her make the moves. She seems to be a little confused on the relationship. Whatever the reaon is, the less pressure you give her, the more she will come around, if its meant to be. Doesn't sound to me, that's it's all lost yet. Good luck.

I agree with Sully, as far as the kids go, but you two should step back from each other, and build slowly, as what's the hurry, and why stress the poor girl?

I would pay more attention to the kids having fun, than you, and her. Any rush to blend your families this early on, ( 6/7 months? Come on, that's way too much to fast.) would be rushing things. Being patient, thoughtfully, and paying attention, could make all the difference in the world.

I know, my thinking and suggestions are entirely against everybody else here.

I had only given my suggestions based on how a woman with kids feel for a relationship.

According to me, You broke the ice between you two.

Let the things happen genuinely, I won't see anything confusing in it. She want a friend at this moment and not a boy friend. So just be her friend. She is afraid of her own feelings for you, concerning whether it is good for the kids, if she get into permanent relationship.