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-   -   Did he cheat? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=383738)

  • Aug 5, 2009, 10:25 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Did he cheat?
    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I went on vacation for a week without him. When I came home I started cleaning the house. When I found the only picture of me in the house, had been put under the bathroom sink. (It was on the counter when I left) I asked him why he would do that? He laughed and said "I don't know what you're talking about". I asked again. He said because he didn't like looking at the black baby in the picture. (he's pretty racist) I showed him the picture and asked him to point out the black baby. (there isn't one) He said "Oh I thought that was a black kid". (The baby is whiter than I am) Then I found mascara smudges on my side of our bed. I confronted him about that. He says they're PROBABLY mine. But my question is, how did I not notice this before I left? And, how have I slept in that bed on those sheets for more than a month and never left a mark on them. I've never left a mark on bedding before... ever! I asked him if he would tell me the truth even if he did cheat. His response... "probably not. Why would I rat on myself?" He won't make eye contact with me and he just keeps laughing and calling me retarded, and stupid etc. But he won't answer a direct question. I guess the way this puzzle fits in my head with the mascara magically appearing the same week that I'm on vacation and the that my picutre was placed under the bathroom sink is that he did cheat. I don't know how else to logically put all these pieces together without coming to that conclusion. It's a little too convenient. Am I crazy or just unlucky? Please help.
  • Aug 5, 2009, 10:29 AM
    kctiger

    Are you dating a 5 year old? Why in the hell would you want to continue dating him anyway, even if he didn't cheat. He sounds like a complete idiot. Not only is he racist, but he sounds like a self absorbed a$$ if you ask me.
  • Aug 5, 2009, 10:31 AM
    jmjoseph
    Yes, he cheated.
  • Aug 5, 2009, 10:33 AM
    justcurious55

    It does sound pretty suspicious. Its always possible that maybe the mascara really is yours and you didn't notice it before. But that with the picture being hidden, that'd make me suspicious too. And then adding his refusal to make eye contact, talk to you about it, and the name calling. Obviously it's hard to prove if he won't say. But the lack of trust is enough for me to think you should be re-evaluating your relationship.
  • Aug 5, 2009, 10:36 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    As far as I'm concerned the relationship has ended. I have not heard from him since I confronted him. No txt, nothing.
  • Aug 5, 2009, 03:20 PM
    kirriky
    As simple as that? I thought you lived together?

    You're much better off without him though. From your post he sounded like a complete jerk. Seriously.
  • Aug 5, 2009, 03:30 PM
    LifeChangesMan
    Hey,

    I'm sorry but, I find this comical... How dumb could this guy be? Actually, I'm more impressed how you put up with such an immature (fill in word as you please) because he's like a kindergartner.

    I'm sure you were upset and holding back while confronting him about this, and the fact of him laughing at you is just plain ignorant to do to someone your supposed to care about.

    I'm glad to read your last post, on not talking to him and it's over, and to answer your question did he cheat? Don't worry about it now, if it's already over, it's over, no need to hurt yourself more, he knows, and so does God, and that should be enough for you as well.

    Hope All Is Well,

    LCM
  • Aug 6, 2009, 07:07 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kirriky View Post
    As simple as that? I thought you lived together?

    You're much better off without him though. From your post he sounded like a complete jerk. Seriously.

    We didn't live together. I just stayed at his house most of the time. I have my own place. I feel really stupid at this point... it's amazing how love and hope are blinding huh? Lol.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 07:16 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by LifeChangesMan View Post
    Hey,

    I'm sorry but, i find this comical... How dumb could this guy be? actually, I'm more impressed how you put up with such an immature (fill in word as you please) because he's like a kindergartner.

    I'm sure you were upset and holding back while confronting him about this, and the fact of him laughing at you is just plain ignorant to do to someone your supposed to care about.

    I'm glad to read your last post, on not talking to him and it's over, and to answer your question did he cheat? Don't worry about it now, if it's already over, it's over, no need to hurt yourself more, he knows, and so does God, and that should be enough for you as well.

    Hope All Is Well,

    LCM

    Well I guess I put up with him for so long because I believe when you love somebody, you got to accept all the imperfections. I don't just quit... I try. I've just been the only one trying for so long quite frankly I'm exhausted. Thank you for your reply though.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 07:29 AM
    HistorianChick

    Honesty and communication are the foundations of a relationship. Without these two important elements, there is no relationship.

    Honesty and communication breed trust. Trust is essential for a successful relationship. If you do not trust him, you aren't communicating or being honest.

    If you're still together, sit him down and talk to him. If he isn't honest, doesn't communicate, or shifts around the issue, you know that he has something to hide.

    What that something is, I don't know, but you deserve honesty.

    Always, always, always communicate honestly with your partner. Without that, you can't build trust.

    I wish you the best!
  • Aug 6, 2009, 09:45 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    I tried talking to him, but he looks down and away, answers questions with questions, and just kept calling me names. He has lied to me in the past, it took me 3 weeks to get the truth out of him (over something sooooo stupid), and he acted the same way. He just tried to contact me today and I told him I just can't be with someone who thinks it's okay to lie for any reason. The biggest problem I see... (I hate to admit this) he has no sense of morality. I've known this forever. (before me) he has slept with married women, let 2 cheating friends use his house to cheat in... I'm really just an idiot on this one. Thank you so much for your reply.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 09:47 AM
    HistorianChick

    You just followed emotions. That happens to the best of us.

    Now follow your head. You know this guy is a loser and will continue to be a loser. He has shown no signs of changing his habits.

    It is going to hurt, but you will make it. You will be much better off without him in your life. Seriously.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 09:52 AM
    N0help4u

    He sounds like someone who is in denial and doesn't know how to deal with being caught.
    IF you aren't going to get out of the relationship asap start noticing other red flags.

    Don't be accusing and nagging just be more aware to when he may be cheating and the red flags.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:04 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Loser has been my word of choice also. Lol. But I know you're right. Thank you again

    I left that day. I can tolerate a lot, but cheating is my limit. But thank you though.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:07 AM
    talaniman

    Quote:

    He just tried to contact me today and I told him I just can't be with someone who thinks it's okay to lie for any reason.
    Way to go! You at least have YOUR priorities straight.
    Quote:

    I'm really just an idiot on this one.
    Maybe you were, but obviously, your not now.

    The only thing you have left to do is disappear from his life, and yours may hurt for a while, but it will get better.

    Personally, I admire your strength to deal with your obvious intense feelings in a positive way for yourself. BRAVO!!
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:13 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Thank you very much. I'm doing my best right now. I'm a little worried that I'll crumble later though. He and I have broke up I don't even know how many times, dated other people, and always end up back together. I'm a wimp lol. I think it's a bad habit or addiction or whatever people like to call it. Whatever it is... it's toxic and twisted! I just need to stick to my guns.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:16 AM
    HistorianChick
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Cherryblossom92 View Post
    Whatever it is...it's toxic and twisted! I just need to stick to my guns.

    Reminds me of my favorite Chick Flick... The Holiday.

    You've made a decision to be the leading lady of your own life. Good for you. :)
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:22 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    OMG I love that movie! (I own it) I remember the first time I saw it... I thought, crap... I'm iris. Lol. Well it's time for me to show some gumption huh? Lol.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:25 AM
    HistorianChick

    Exactly. You got gumption, girl. Stick to your guns... you'll make it. :)

    Best. Chick Flick. Ever. :)
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:27 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    It's up there with the notebook, and twilight!
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:29 AM
    N0help4u

    I'm not into chick flicks but I liked The Perex Family. If Holiday is that good I'll have to watch it.
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:30 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    It's a great movie... it really makes sense... and it's, for the most part, about issues that REAL people face. What's the Perex Family?
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:31 AM
    HistorianChick

    You DEFiNITELY need to watch The Holiday. It's an awesome movie. One of my top ten... and that's hard to get!

    I'm not normally a fan of chick flicks either (also on Top Ten are 300 and Equilibrium), but this one is a definite winner!
  • Aug 6, 2009, 10:33 AM
    N0help4u

    Oops meant Perez Family
    Its about a mother and adult daughter that left Cuba and the father of the daughter was left behind in Fidels jail. He gets out and comes to Fla looking for them.

    Marisa Tomey is in it.

    I only have about 10 movies I really like
    Not counting kids movies
  • Aug 7, 2009, 12:47 AM
    amicon
    I think you know deep inside that this person is a total waste of time. Racist and namecaller? You deserve a man not a pondlife. Hugs
  • Aug 7, 2009, 04:33 AM
    cjeep23
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by jmjoseph View Post
    Yes, he cheated.

    I agree
  • Aug 7, 2009, 05:26 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Well, last night he called and reminded me again how dumb, and stupid I am. And now the blame shifting has started. It must be my guilty conscious... so now he's labeling me the cheater. It's absolutely amazing how people can act so childish when they don't get their way! I just let him know that attacking me won't bring me back. I'm tired of being his little emotional punching bag. I'm tired of paying for his mistakes... it's time he started paying for his own!.
    Extremely hurt and irritated
  • Aug 7, 2009, 05:42 AM
    HistorianChick

    Don't take his phone calls. Don't read his texts.

    I've had to do it... I had to get rid of the "toxic THING"... it's not fun, it hurts, and it takes for-EV-ur... but you'll get through it!

    Don't let his mental games make you feel like a cheater. You're in the right.

    Download Rascal Flatts song Stand and Stand, girl! :)
  • Aug 7, 2009, 05:49 AM
    N0help4u

    I know guys like that they have to place the blame on you to justify their actions. Make you the bad guy so they can remain clueless and in denial. You have to block him because every single phone call, every single txt, ever single I-M or email that they do contact you in their mind it is only reinforcing in their simple mind that they WIN.
  • Aug 7, 2009, 06:00 AM
    jmjoseph
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by N0help4u View Post
    I know guys like that they have to place the blame on you to justify their actions. Make you the bad guy so they can remain clueless and in denial. You have to block him because every single phone call, every single txt, ever single I-M or email that they do contact you in their mind it is only reinforcing in their simple mind that they WIN.

    Guys and GIRLS too do the validation game now. I know you meant to include them in that statement.

    I was thinking about this. Why else would you hide a picture? This guy is playing house with someone else.

    When the cat's away, the mice will be rats.
  • Aug 7, 2009, 06:08 AM
    amicon
    Cut off ALL communication with the so and so-its a lose-lose situation-walk away-dont let him get to you.He's a pest-I'd call him worse names but I'm too polite!
  • Aug 7, 2009, 06:18 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    I guess I need a "call to arms". Keep busy... which should be easy with 2 jobs taking up 70 hrs of my week, and lots of time with my friends and lots of taking out my frustrations on my wonderful guitar! Lol I know I didn't do anything wrong and I know that... so does he. Sometimes I hate that I love him the way I do. He always plays the victum, and I feel so sorry for him... his pain is mine. I guess I've just wanted to save him so badly, and when I feel he's wounded I want to take that away from him. So now that's my own personal struggle. I have to look the "dying puppy" in the face and... walk away. That's the kind of person I am. I hate to know that someone is hurting and I have ANY part in that. Sometimes I think being a musician makes me way too sensitive. Lol.
  • Aug 7, 2009, 06:20 AM
    N0help4u

    Yeah play a goodbye blues tune on that guitar

    Often depressing events can bring out the most creativity within you
  • Aug 7, 2009, 06:27 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    He and I also lost 2 children together... Aiden would've been 2 yrs. Tomorrow. He was stillborn at 7 months, the last child I miscarried... do you think that maybe that contributes to the difficulty in me disconnecting myself from him?
  • Aug 7, 2009, 06:38 AM
    N0help4u

    That can be a contributing factor
    BUT it is NO excuse to excuse him!

    YOU lost them too and you aren't acting like that. If that is his excuse he needs to wake up and realize your lose too.

    That is really really sad but doesn't give him a pass and doesn't qualify him for another chance with you.
  • Aug 7, 2009, 07:19 AM
    amicon

    Well said and so sorry about your babies. But hon you re a nice person he s not on the same page as you. Not even in the same book.
  • Aug 7, 2009, 07:28 AM
    help_ful101

    I'm so sorry to say but it sounds like he did cheat but the only question I have why woodnt he of washed the beddings to hide the fact he did cheat... and your so right he does sound like an a$$ holy makes me and other guys look like that too
  • Aug 7, 2009, 07:30 AM
    N0help4u

    Some people like the risk and coming off like you have to believe me no matter what.
    I don't put anything past a guys motives to his madness.
  • Aug 7, 2009, 07:34 AM
    Cherryblossom92
    Why would he wash the sheets? He already thinks I'm stupid. We've broken up so many times, and I've always gone back. He's figured out the game. Rules are: he can do whatever he wants and I'll always forgive him. I'm starting to realize just how one sided our relationship really was.

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