Hi everyone

I hope someone here could offer me some advice, especially female if possible.

I've just had a conversation with my girlfriend of 9months in which she said she is confused because she has gone from relationship to relationship since she was about 15 - she is now 26 and I am 25. She has told me that she has never been independent and just on her own and that she is concerned that, whilst our relationship is great now, that these feelings might grow and then we could be two three years into a relationship and she could then want some time alone. We have been together almost a year by the way and live in in nearby cities but not together, probably just over an hour apart.

What confused me is that she wouldn't say she wanted a break or to break up, basically the same thing right, but instead just told me about it so obviously I had to man up and say that I couldn't be with someone who wasn't 100% in and that I thought we should have some time apart. She has said she will not be dating and that if I do that she doesn't want to know about it. I believe what she says but I know she may meet someone on a night out or wherever so this is obviously in my mind.

Anyway it has now been about four days and she has been in contact twice, only via sms but she has initiated the contact each time and I have never answered with anything that would indicate I wanted a reply. I am definitiely not initiating contact with her as she cannot say she wants space then expect me to contact her.

My area I would like advice on is how to play this going forward? I am doing some thinking of whether I want this to continue but at the moment I believe that I do - but I also don't want to go straight back if she was to want a reconciliation as it may make me seem weak. I know this will sound corny but we do have something special and this is worth fighting for if I can do it in a way that doesn't put our relationship off balance and make me look needy.

I'd be really grateful for any advice - thanks

I did this with my husband basically for that reason. He wouldn't let it go and it got turned into a *insert word here* for us both. In your case I'm going to tell you the 2 things I thought of first reading this.

A.) She wants to figure things out on her own and desires some independence.
B.) If she isn't used to this and having a strong will to not date, she is going to be either dating you or some other schlub within a month. Not even because she wants to, just because it's habit for her and cyclical. Being co-dependent can SUCK for a person who wants to experience life on their own for a bit.

Realize that she probably hasn't thought about that last one, I know I hadn't. I never really experienced either because my hubby was relentless and I wound up miserable alone, I knew I loved him, but he wasn't there for me like I needed with every change happening in my life, I felt like it was unfair to put it off on him. I STILL don't regret the hell I put us through because I needed that time to deal with some things and not feel obligated to him. But I am not this girl.

9 months is a long stretch of time to wait before making this decision. I am willing to bet there was a catalyst and she wasn't completely upfront with you, or you left something out here. If I were you I'd have a much more involved conversation with her and either make her admit she wants to break up, or find the real root to this issue. If she's going to wind up dating some other guy eventually because it winds up being more than a break, you deserve the honest truth. And you need to feel a lot less confused about her wanting this. You shouldn't have given her the easy out to begin with, it's almost as easy as handing her the break up without any fault of her own.

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Originally Posted by Chey5782

I did this with my husband basically for that reason. He wouldn't let it go and it got turned into a *insert word here* for us both. In your case I'm going to tell you the 2 things I thought of first reading this.

A.) She wants to figure things out on her own and desires some independence.
B.) If she isn't used to this and having a strong will to not date, she is going to be either dating you or some other schlub within a month. Not even because she wants to, just because it's habit for her and cyclical. Being co-dependent can SUCK for a person who wants to experience life on their own for a bit.

Realize that she probably hasn't thought about that last one, I know I hadn't. I never really experienced either because my hubby was relentless and I wound up miserable alone, I knew I loved him, but he wasn't there for me like I needed with every change happening in my life, I felt like it was unfair to put it off on him. I STILL don't regret the hell I put us through because I needed that time to deal with some things and not feel obligated to him. But I am not this girl.

9 months is a long stretch of time to wait before making this decision. I am willing to bet there was a catalyst and she wasn't completely upfront with you, or you left something out here. If I were you I'd have a much more involved conversation with her and either make her admit she wants to break up, or find the real root to this issue. If shes going to wind up dating some other guy eventually because it winds up being more than a break, you deserve the honest truth. And you need to feel a lot less confused about her wanting this. You shouldn't have given her the easy out to begin with, it's almost as easy as handing her the break up without any fault of her own.

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Thanks for your reply. I don't think I have left anything out but you are right I think there must have been a catalyst too - the only thing she mentioned was that she was on a break from work and has had a lot of time to think about things. I wouldn't bother leaving things out as I need honest feedback,not something to make me feel better.

I understand what you mean when you said I maybe gave in too easy, but I tried discussing it with her and frankly her points were just confusing. I don't know which one was the main one for her thinking but she just said a few conflicting things that made me think she must be confused. Plus I thought the only way to do it is to let her have her space, act as if I am OK with it and try not to let her see that it bothers me. After all I think I need to make it as much a case of her missing me as me missing her, and this whole situation is also about me deciding what I want from my life.

As I said right now the most part of me is wanting to reconcile and see if we coul dmove forward, but really when someone says they are holding back from really opening up and giving everything to the relationship you can't do anything but finish it right?

I think I am passing through upset and am starting to become a bit angry that she has done this, mainly because I cannot understand it - I think this come down mostly to the male logic vs female emotive way of thinking though.

That's possible. Over a year later and I still can't explain to the hubby why I ever broke with him to begin with. I still regard the night it happened with a lot of confusion. I may have wound up doing it because he pushed me. The weeks after we both said things we regretted, so in your case, if you do desire a reconcile, tread carefully with your words. Feeling like a moron later sucks, I do it all the time.

It's very possible she is simply confused. Co-dependent people never take enough time for themselves to analyze things until months later, they are also repressive, and emotional leeches. It's been 2 years since my last ex and I am just now understanding things about that one. A large part of it being my need to take responsibility for issues we had as well. Things like this are issues that, if she IS having them, you really can't help her with.

Thing is, you probably can't ever help her with them. And unless she can find that delicate balance of analyzing herself and understanding while with you, it's not going to wind up working with you. We find it a lot easier to give and express love than we do to express ourselves and our own issues. And it can really suck.

"As I said right now the most part of me is wanting to reconcile and see if we could move forward, but really when someone says they are holding back from really opening up and giving everything to the relationship you can't do anything but finish it right?"

That's for you to talk to her more about. Does she think she is capable of understanding WHY she is holding back? Is she capable of giving everything to the relationship? It may very well be that she's just reached a point where she wants to find her own identity without a partner there, and she doesn't fully know how to express this as a desire. It's not your fault in any way if she wants to try this. Just be aware that situations like this create confusion, try to keep it level and talk to her, but decide what you are and are not willing to put up with now rather than later. You need to have limits about this, or its likely she's going to wind up walking on you in her confusion, and that's just unfair.

That sounds like good advice, I think I do need to set myself out for what I will and won't accept. I think that is a conversation that we need to have at some point. It's just difficult because I am trying not to contact her in order that she can see what life is like without me and if I'm honest, hopefully see that life is better with me and that she misses me.

I have always thought thre is more to her than meets the eye and that she has some sort of guard up, so maybe she will always have barriers that will be held up no matter how long we were together.

We are due to meet in just over a week - it's a special occasion for me and she wants to give me a present she has for me. She said it would mean a lot and when she made contact her first message was confirming the date and then when I agreed, saying she will look forward to it.

There is part of me that wants to move on, but that is only because I am thinking at the moment that relationships never seem to run smoothly and at least if I'm on my own I can't hurt myself! Truth be told, I was extremely happy and up to about a month ago when I sensed her change slightly, she was happy too. It's that horrible situation of do I move on and then what if she comes back, or do I plod along without dating and then find out one day she is seeing someone else.

I just want to figure out the best way to play it to give us the best chance of working - have to be honest with myself I suppose.

They say honesty is the best policy. And you sound like a pretty smart guy. Check this later though, I know there are at least 2 guys on here that never agree with my opinion about this scenario. They will have different advice that you might find very helpful as well.

I would just enjoy my life going places you enjoy doing things you enjoy and hanging with friends you enjoy. Don't be out 'looking' to meet someone else but if you do don't stop and think 'what about my girlfriend?' because you really do have no guarantees that she will come back.

You are right you shouldn't just jump back into her arms when she snaps her fingers and says ''here I am I want you again''.
If 'n when she does want to get back together you go out for dinner and discuss things over dinner to your satisfaction that it is worth going back.
Then you take your time and rebuild the relationship.

Go out, have fun and enjoy. Life is too short to be put on hold. When a women says something like this to me, I am out the door and having fun so quick it makes her head spin.

You never know what hand you will get dealt next, so live it up and take life as it comes.

When things like this happen, it's NEVER good. If she didn't ask for a break, but still wants time and doesn't want to know that you are dating other people (she is assuming you will), this is essentially her telling you in a indirect way that she wants a break.

Like KC and N0 said, go out and have fun. Don't wait around.

Threads merged

Hi guys

I have been on a break with my girlfriend and have been doing the usual things - taking more time for myself, spending time with my friends, generally thinking about what I want from my life etc.

Anyway I have enjoyed getting some of my independence back, since we both got very involved during the 9 months we'd been together before the break and spent virtually every weekend together. Work commitments mean we don't see each other during the week.

Anyway so now I have been doing this thinking, figuring out that I WANT to be with her and I truly do not NEED to be with her. The whole reason behind the break was mainly the distance between us but that also she said she is concerned she would desire some independence and she thought it better to do it now instead of further into a relationship.

I guess I would just like to ask advice on what I should do now that I have had time to think. Honestly, I know that this is not a great situation to be in and that breaks are not a positive step in the main. Also I am trying to resist the thoughts of reconciliation and instead am trying to focus on me. But I know what I want and now it seems she needs to figure out the same thing. What should I do?

By the way we have had some NC, mainly because we both thought the other needed the time and space. We have begun talking again and it has been a mix of some relationship talk and also some general talk. Obv I get the usual 'it kills me', 'my head is spinning' etc which could be true - I guess I can only take her word.

Any advice would be great guys and girls - thanks

Who initiated the break?

Sounds like she was the one who wanted a break, so I would suggest allowing her to be the one coming to you and saying she does want to be in a relationship. I would assume putting your feelings out there wouldn't hurt, but I am a pretty big believer that when someone asks for a break you give it to them, live your life and it is up to them to fight to get you back.

She said she was confused and had been thinking about why she didn't feel she was putting in 100% at the minute. So I said well then I think we should take some time now to have a think about things.

So I suppose I actually said go on a break, but I did it because I felt I had to what with her saying she had been thinking that she might need this time apart at some stage. She did say she didn't want to break up before I said that I thought we shoulkd have some time apart.

Put your feelings out there and go from there. You can't live in limbo for an unspecified amount of time, so talk about these feelings you have with her and pay attention to her reaction. That's really all you can do.

Thanks man, I knew I woul dhave to talk to her about it obviously but wasn't sure how to play it with her side of the break. Obviously she is trying to figure stuff out too and I don't want her to think I am forcing the issue as I genuinely do respect her need to think, and I only want to be in a relationship that is benefiting both people and can ultimately move forward.

It's just that awkward situation of waiting long enough to give her time to think but not waiting too long that she thinks I have either gotten over it or don't have anything to say.

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But I know what I want and now it seems she needs to figure out the same thing. What should I do?

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Take the hint, and vanish from her life. Its not clear what she wants, but its obvious what she doesn't want. A romantic relationship with you. Her words, and actions, demonstrate that, so really, it doesn't matter what YOU want, because she won't let you have it.

Sorry guy, but that's reality, and has to be dealt with.

Fair point. So I am meeting her this week, it's been pre-arranged and in all honesty I want some face to face time for this as opposed to phone, text etc. Are you saying that I should just take that opportunity to say that I don't think she wants me as part of her life and that I think we shouldn't speak any further?

Just asking as I do not really want to stay apart and to be truthful, if she wants to break up completely and go our separate ways, I want her to be the one to do it.

Also just out of interest, if she wanted to leave it why would she not just break up with me. She has split from previous boyfriends so appears to have no problems ending a relationship. I believe I know this woman to a good degree now and I am just curious as to your opinion why she would pretend to draw it out? From your posts that I have read, I have inferred that you believe this is what a break is - delaying a break up.

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I have inferred that you believe this is what a break is - delaying a break up.

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Your inference is correct. Healthy couples work together to resolve their issues, and if she is unwilling to do that, then its over in a practical sense, and any further contact is an attempt to validate that decision, as a break brings out the worst in us, and drives a further wedge between you.

False hope is what makes you think you have a chance of changing your partners mind, but all your doing is making the divide between you wider.

Sorry guy, break ups suck to high hell, and hard to accept, and deal with, but that's a life lesson to learn, dealing with the reality of your OWN feelings, and making tough decisions for yourself that work for you.

Thanks again, and I sincerely mean it even if I am not totally enamoured with the advice! Can I ask one thing for my own clarification though. Is it the same even if the issues she is thinking about are her own issues? Obviously you take everything with a pinch of salt, but she has said it is nothing to do with our relationship, just that she has been with a someone since the age of 14 - we are now just after mid twenties - and that she has only been a single person for something like 6 months total.

This to me is ridiculous but then I am a guy, and we all know how women look at situations from a totally different perspective.

Find out if she has truly decided what she wants?I know people can get back together and make it work.

Her need for independence is a valid one and her issues are what shapes her thoughts and actions. Its not easy to accept the opinions and feelings of another, especially given your own feelings, but we must all deal with our feelings and move ahead with our lives.

Break ups are like funerals, we mourn our loss and keep living.

Yeah I understand she needs to feel like an indepdent person to be part of a committed and healthy relationship. I also get that at the moment we are not a couple and that I need to focus on my own life which I am doing. Your advice is all valid and I appreciate it.

But if you are a relationship expert, then surely you must have seen a broad spectrum of people and situations and I find it hard to believe people never get back together after these situations. I am following my own life, meeting new people and new women in particular but not with a view to a relationship.

There must be a course of action that I can take however in addition that would put me in the best position to be there if she decides she wants to reconcile. I am not waiting for this as obviously this is an unhealthy move, however I know that I am not ready to get into another relationship now.

So would it be best to limit or conversations as I do, to not be too friendly but to retain that distinction that I am not solely a friend but also a romantic interest. I hope that I have put my point across as I have intended to do so and any further points are greatly appreciated.

I understand your premise, I really do, but reality is, its YOU, who must focus on YOU, so you can make good decisions for YOURSELF, and hanging around hoping, is not productive or healthy.

Sure, you worry she will forget you and all that, but if you are meant to be a healthy couple then you must be healthy. That's important, and something you do alone. Her decision to be with you, MUST be her choice, without your influence.

Another important point, is false hope playing tricks on your mind where all you care about is her changing her mind, and you miss the reality of other options, and opportunities, right under your nose.

To be healthy, you have to have a healthy, realistic, perspective, to see what's really going on, and have a plan to deal with that reality. Emotional decisions without facts, rarely work well, and only look good on paper.

Well thought out plans, based on facts, and not just feelings, are what works best, and keep you from listening just to a broken heart, or the hole in your soul.

I could write volumes on this, but the bottom line is, you making a healthy decision on your course of action, and accepting your situation, and dealing with it positively, and pro actively, is what makes a difference between a good choice, and a not so good one.

Yes people do get back together. That comes with time, and there are no guarantees, just hard decisions.

Thanks for the reply, once again it has struck a chord. I think you are right and that it is important to focus on me as if we were to reconcile at some point, I would want to know it was our individual choices, not pressure from one person or the other.

I think I am going to focus back on my own life for a while, especially through the next six months as I have some important career developments coming up and I am going to try to use these as a primary distraction from being involved in her life.

Ultimately I want her to be happy, as cheesey as it sounds, and if she needs to give her heart a break from what has been almost 10 years of relationships then I understand this and hopefully she can see that life on her own is do-able but much more fulfiling when you can share it with someone.

I am not going to sit around hoping or waiting for a time when we could get back together, even though right now that is all I can think about and the thought of her with someone else makes me feel sick to the pits of my stomach. Instead I have to develop myself, walk my own path and have faith that ifit is meant to be, that in the future she will realise the quality of the relationship we shared and this will bring us back together.

It is ironic that the hardest thing I have had to do in my life so far, is to actually do nothing and let this woman walk out of my life and into a new chapter of hers.

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Originally Posted by JC172

It is ironic that the hardest thing I have had to do in my life so far, is to actually do nothing and let this woman walk out of my life and into a new chapter of hers.

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Was the hardest thing I have ever done thus far.

Absolutely agree with kctiger. It sucks *ss but it has to be done. Hang in there buddy.

Me too! It's hard and it sucks seeing them walk. Its really for the best though.

It was the hardest thing in my life as well. I am 26 and it was the first time my heart got broken. It has to happen to all of us though so we learn how to grow and become better adults.

Thanks for all the messages guys, I appreicate all of the support and help - I know we have all been through something similar in our lifetimes.

Can I ask one more question for public response - it is to do with how I manage the relationship I will obv need to have with her from now on:

Basically I am just wondering how I prevent myself from just drifting into the 'friends zone' as we all know it. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to be sitting around pining over this but I am a guy who likes to have a plan and an idea of where I am going and how to get there and with this in mind, I would like to hear peoples opinions on how I remain as a guy she was / is / whatever interested in as a boyfriend and not just become another 'guy friend'.

I may not be explaining this particularly well but I know she is still confused and has not closed the door on us, just that after 10 years of almost constant relationships since 15, it has taken its toll and she needs this space. I understand, she can have it and I will focus on me, thus trying to make the healthy choice as Talania put it.

However I do not want any future chance to be ruined by us slipping into just being friends. I am certainly not ready to look at other women from a dating capacity, although I will be eventually and she will be the same - what is the best courseof action for me to take so that if she does get to the point of being ready for a relationship, that I am not written off as just another friend?

Thanks guys, I know this is an odd question but it has been flying around my mind and I would appreciate your input.

I'm in a similar boat... my girlfriend decided that it's not working for her after 3 years... I am probably myself to blame... but she does not feel she wants to try again... I'm seeing her these days... and I'm going to councilling with her in a hope that she can see I am prepared to work hard in order to improve... but the inevitable is that she will probably walk away... and I feel that come Sunday night, I will have to bite the bullet and give her clothes, take mine back and cut contact... It's difficult as when seeing her, I am clinging on to hope... and I can see she is not 100% sure... but is determined... it's the hardest decision I am going to have ever made and I'm 35... I have had relationships, but no one has touched my heart, mind & soul to the extent that she has... I'm going to have to disconnect from her Facebook profile, as the thought of seeing her with another guy, would hurt beyond belief... Everyone here says NC, and although I know it will mean no more contact and it's a really tough decision to make, it's the only one for my sanity... I just hope I am able to do it by the end of the wknd...
What hurts the most is that I could have prevented all of this!
Good luck to you.

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Basically I am just wondering how I prevent myself from just drifting into the 'friends zone' as we all know it.

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By not being around and available at her every whim. You will remain a mystery by staying away. Since you are not around, she will not be able to put you in the same grouping as her friends, because you are not available to her like her friends are.

You shouldn't worry about that right now. Just focus on yourself. Most of the time, things have a weird way of working out for the better. Just do your thing and if things work out where a relationship between you and her develops in the future, it will have to happen on it own with out any influence from you. This means you cannot go forward in life hoping this will happen. If you do, it never will and you will be just as hurt when it doesn't happen as you were when you guys broke up.

You have to let go of the past and live life now with hope for yourself and what the future holds for YOU!

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Basically I am just wondering how I prevent myself from just drifting into the 'friends zone' as we all know it.

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Disappear from her life, and get one that you enjoy without her. The more you talk as exes, not only will you have false hope of getting her back, but she will think your okay with being like her girlfriends, and emotional tampon for her feelings, and a willing ear to vent. That's no fun at all, nor is it good for your own healing. Leave the future to the universe, and make your plans, for yourself, that don't include her, whatsoever.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Disappear from her life, and get one that you enjoy without her. The more you talk as exes, not only will you have false hope of getting her back, but she will think your okay with being like her girlfriends, and emotional tampon for her feelings, and a willing ear to vent. Thats no fun at all, nor is it good for your own healing. Leave the future to the universe, and make your plans, for yourself, that don't include her, whatsoever.

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I think I'm beginning to realise that this forum is more about self preservation than getting ones ex back... which is fair enough... and I suppose 3% of the time there is a happy ending... I suppose I should be grateful... just the pain... incredible... never had my stomach churn this way before!

This website is about preserving your own self worth and dignity during break-ups.

Everyone on this forum has experienced this kind of heart ache at some point in their lives. Although the scenarios seem different, many times there are similarities in everyone's situations that are very similar.

The fact of the matter is, the VAST majority of couple who break-up DO NOT get back together. We are here to help people see their situations for what they really are, from an unbiased, clear thinking, outsiders perspective. We all give advise from our own personal experiences with break-ups. Use this site as a tool to HELP make your own decisions and to gain knowledge about how to act from people who have walked this same path before you.

It makes it 100 times easier in the long run. You don't have to listen, but usually many people are better off when they do.

Yeah sensible advice man, I am starting to see that maybe her asking for space is just her saying she isn't that into it, or me for that matter.

In a way that helps but in the other I am struggling to understand why she would not just speak her mind and also become a bit angry if that is it, as I could accept if someone had moved on but saying I need space implies feelings are still there I think.

Its time to focus on me I think, and realise that there are women out there who wouldn't need this 'space' or whatever it is, because although it was intense, we were both to blame for it being that way.

Sorry, bit of a cynical rant there but just needed to vent it.