Ask Me Help Desk - My "Friend With Benefits"

My "Friend With Benefits"

Okay... first off, I know this forum is all about advice and/or critizism but, PLEASE take it easy on me!

There was a post not too long ago about "friends with benefits" and I mentioned that I had one for a couple of years and that it worked for me! Now... me and my "friend with benefits" got into a fight last night!

I had mentioned that when one of us were in a relationship that we didn't do anything with eachother; well, his last girlfriend was one of my very good friends! When him and I were messing around she would encourage me to stay away from him because she thought he was bad news! She never told me why but just suggested it so... I did for about a month and then I found out that they (my fwb and my good friend) started dating! I thought to myself "okay... you can't help who you fall for" and I was willing to suck it up until a couple of days after I heard that they had been dating, she was bad mouthing me to some of our mutual friends that I was obsessed with my fwb. I tried to confront her and she ignored my phone calls, text messages and whenever I seen her, which was at the bar that I work at part-time, I would try to walk up and approach her but she would see me coming and get up and leave! I never wanted to make a scene, I just wanted to know why she was saying things about me that weren't true or ask her what made her think this! (For the record, my "friend with benefits" would initiate the booty calls, not me). When I talked to him about it, he even agreed!

Anyway... a couple of weeks ago they broke up because he told me that he felt the age difference was a factor. She is 9 years older than him. Him and I are 5 years apart. Also, he felt as though she was using him to help financially and he was doing work on a house she had bought!

Last night he tried to talk to me about her again and I just got soooo fed up that I get up and left and went home! He text me to ask what was wrong and I told him that I am tired of hearing about this girl and that I sit and listen to him talk about her but yet he told me that when they were dating that my name was not allowed to be mentioned!

I texted him back last night and told me that this "friends with benefits" needs to stop because he is the only one getting "benefits"! He wanted to continue to talk but I was emotionally drained last night and decided to ignore his text!

I am going to see him tonight because him and I have to work at the bar together and he is going to say something!

MY QUESTION: How do I once and for all break this bad cycle but still stay friends with him? Also, is that even possible?

P.S. I know that I am going to hear "I told you so" but... right now I am emotionally drained and I will not respond!

Where's Wildcat when you need him? Be prepared for what he is going to say!!

I really have no comments on this one, I wouldn't know how to respond. :( I've never had "friends."

Sorry!

I too have had a FWB and it all worked out well since it was in a university environment away from home.

What you are experiencing is more akin to unrequited love. You're chasing someone who doesn't love you back. What would you do if some guy liked you and wanted you and you didn't like him?

Single, are you getting/having feelings for this guy? You are maybe wanting him but his mind is on this other girl?

Maybe if you are starting to have feelings the "friends" situation is no longer.

ALWAYS - in the end - those 'feelings and 'emotions' come in to play. Can we say jealousy?

FWB Always end bad - never seen one end happy. They are SOOOOO unhealthy. SOOOOO unhealthy - and always carried out by very imature people who canm't actually handle a real relationship.

Sorry - but sex is a connection thing - you just don't go through the motions if you're having regular sex.

FWB - just a very unhealthy situation.

I tend to agree with the above - Your behaviour seems to indicate you have some jealousy about his relation with this girl, and you don't want to listen "as a friend".

To end this - Simply tell him the benefits have run out. But I think you might find that he was only a "friend" because of the benefits...

Quote:

Originally Posted by BIM

Single, are you getting/having feelings for this guy? You are maybe wanting him but his mind is on this other girl?

Maybe if you are starting to have feelings the "friends" situation is no longer.

I don't know if I am having feelings for this guy! I initially thought the reason I liked him was because of the attention (besides sex) that he gave me and the compliments! I liked a warm body beside me!

Yes... I know his mind is on this girl and I told him that and he claims it isn't but of course... he will tell me what he wants me to hear to get the "benefits" that he wants! I may be blonde but... I'm not stupid! I think we have been "fwb" for too long! Something was bound to happen I guess!

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

I tend to agree with the above - Your behaviour seems to indicate you have some jealousy about his relation with this girl, and you don't want to listen "as a friend".

To end this - Simply tell him the benefits have run out. But I think you might find that he was only a "friend" because of the benefits...

I somewhat disagree with the "don't wanna listen as a friend!" Where I come from... friends don't "mess around" with their friends "fwb"! I am hurt about what she said about me! Am I jealousy of his feelings for her... yes! I will be honest!

Also... I took your advise! Him and I have been texting back and forth all morning and I text him a half hour ago saying "the benefits have run out" and "I think you are only a friend because of the benefits"! He didn't take it well! This was his response!

"That really sucks you think that of me. If thats the case, I won't touch you or even attempt anything again! I am the one asking for us to go do something all the time, and it never happens! Last Saturday, last night and tomorrow! What have I done so horrible to people involved with my life that makes everybody think I am a heartless soul? I would do anything for the ones I care about!"

First off... thank you for the advise and second... how do I respond back?

Always. You can't have that type of relationship without feelings.

But - maybe you're a little to needy.

Why not go out and find a new guy - new beginnings. Have a healthy relationship. This FWBs can just screw with you.

Tried to spread the love Cat, but couldn't.

Go out and find a healthy/normal relationship where the two of you can have each other w/o "others" involved.

New beginnings/new blood (so to speak) is exactly what "I" think Single4 needs also.

I agree... sex is a VERY connecting thing. If I had sex with someone - I would want more than that (unless it was bad sex, then I would want the hell out of bed):D

" I have to agree here too. Most men will not want a relationship with a woman who has a friend that shares benefits. It only leads to a sad single existence."

If I find out a women has another guy - see you!!

"I agree...........sex is a VERY connecting thing. If I had sex with someone - I would want more than that (unless it was bad sex, then I would want the hell out of bed)" - TOTALLY!! That's what it's about!!

You take it SLOW and good things happen!!

Watch out Wildcat all this talk about taking it SLOW is getting me excited! HEE HEE:D

Just kidding... trying to go easy on Single... make her smile! (hopefully)

Yes - that kind of slow would make a woman excited!

I have slow hand!

Yeah - I'm blunt - but this whole friends with benefits thing generally is a bad idea.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LA LA

You're good!

Let's all start a new thread!! :p

SLOW Hand will travel.

The guys might learn something very important there. Trust me.

"I" might learn something important there. :cool:

Are you the friend with benefits and not the partner... just what does your partner have to say about late booty rounds... you seemed to be motivated to perform...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

" I have to agree here too. Most men will not want a relationship with a woman who has a friend that shares benefits. It only leads to a sad single existence."

If I find out a women has another guy - see ya!!!!

"I agree...........sex is a VERY connecting thing. If I had sex with someone - I would want more than that (unless it was bad sex, then I would want the hell out of bed)" - TOTALLY!!!! That's what it's about!!!

You take it SLOW and good things happen!!!

A lot of this I deep down know but it is still hard to hear! Yes... I think I just feel lonely! Every guy I meet runs when they hear I have a child. I know it would be hard to anybody to see someone with a child because it is just added stress! I guess that is why I chose the fwb but figured I could keep it with no emotions involved! I was wrong!

Well, your friend had no respect for you in the first place, that's why she messed with your fwb. She may have also thought that as a fwb, there is no commitment there so its pretty much a free for all.

Wildcat is absolutely right. These scenarios are for people who are uneasy going through the process of meeting someone and getting to know them, then having a relationship. Somehow, you don't strike me as the kind of person that would shy away from that, so what gives?

Leave this guy alone and the problem goes with it, no more hearing about her or you and her or anything goofy like that. No need to respond to him really, just tell him you want out, you're not required to give an excuse to him of all people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momincali

Leave this guy alone and the problem goes with it, no more hearing about her or you and her or anything goofy like that. No need to respond to him really, just tell him you want out, you're not required to give an excuse to him of all people.

Exactly! Cut the string. Syanora! (sp)

Single4 - there are soooooooo many men out there who do not mind you having a child - let alone 3. You're defintley not meeting the right men!

If the child is the obsticle - for get those men - they are worhtless.

Soooo many great guys. You must meet weak, imature guys.

I just want to make one thing clear here! When I do start dating somebody... I do not go on booty calls with my fwb and visa versa! If I start to date someone... my fwb stops!

Yes... I am "horny"! I started to experience good sex at age 28! Before then, sex was NOT enjoyable! I've been told that I am in my prime and I am scared to loose that drive! Just wish I had a committed relationship to burn that energy!

Also... I am 32 and have had 9 partners in my life! To some that may be a lot but not according to people that I know!

Well - I know women in the 40's that are hornier than ever. Don't worry about that stuff at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

The guys might learn something very important there. Trust me.

I do trust you and I need to be strong! He wants to talk about this yet but... there is nothing to talk about! I told him that I am not mad at him I just need time to take care of myself so I can work on my self-esteem... period!

I wanted to walk out of this without upsetting him but...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Well - I know women in the 40's that are hornier than ever. Don't worry about that stuff at all.

O.K. Should I be worried. I'm 40--I don't have much of a sex drive--used to in my mid 30's.

Tell me some the 40's women's secrets Cat.

I'm signing off for a while, gots ta go. I'll try and catch up later.

Good thread goin' here. I may need help with my sex life too.:rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Why not go out and find a new guy - new beginnings. Have a healthy relationship.

Yah... that won't be hard! Ha Ha

I don't know how to go about meeting a nice guy living in a small town and not getting out much because I have a daughter to tend to! My friends try to hook me up but the guys are always 40 years old or older and we have nothing in common!

It is a lot harder around here than yous know!!

Sorry if I bite back at anybody! I am sleep depreived and stressed out! I need a weekend to be by myself and cry! I never want a man to see me sweat!! I'll get it out and move on!

"Tell me some the 40's womens secrets Cat." - going slow - takes time to warm up the engine. Forepaly - foreplay can last all day. Hopefully you're with a guy who can put things in your mind... when my gal says no - I am reall yhappy BECAUSE I have her THINKING about it now - half the battle... slow. Most guys would get mad and all frustrated - nope. It's a mind game.

I put things in my gals mind all day - maybe a text in the morning telling her she's beautiful.

Plus I think you got use the equipment. It's good to go solo if you know what I mean. Seriously - do you have good toys?

Do you know all your 'spots'? - Does your guy understand a women's ENTIRE body is an erogenous zone??

Also - do you work out regularly? Take vitamins. Eat well... ALL EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO A GREAT SEX LIFE!!

NOP MORE JUNK FOOD!! NO MORE!! NOT WORTH IT!!

WALK A LOT - RUN - LIFT WEIGHTS - PLAY SPORTS!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

I don't know if I am having feelings for this guy! I initially thought the reason I liked him was because of the attention (besides sex) that he gave me and the compliments! I liked a warm body beside me!

That is usually a reason quite a few young women get into trouble with idiot men... they need a warm body beside them. And all I ask is this, where is the self control ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

Yes... I know his mind is on this girl and I told him that and he claims it isn't but of course... he will tell me what he wants me to hear to get the "benefits" that he wants! I may be blonde but... I'm not stupid! I think we have been "fwb" for too long! Something was bound to happen I guess!

Yes that "something to happen" is called reality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

I somewhat disagree with the "don't wanna listen as a friend!" Where I come from... friends don't "mess around" with their friends "fwb"! I am hurt about what she said about me! Am I jealousy of his feelings for her... yes! I will be honest!

Jealous why ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

Also... I took your advise! Him and I have been texting back and forth all morning and I text him a half hour ago saying "the benefits have run out" and "I think you are only a friend because of the benefits"! He didn't take it well! This was his response!

"That really sucks you think that of me. If thats the case, I won't touch you or even attempt anything again! I am the one asking for us to go do something all the time, and it never happens! Last Saturday, last night and tomorrow! What have I done so horrible to people involved with my life that makes everybody think I am a heartless soul? I would do anything for the ones I care about!"

First off... thank you for the advise and second... how do I respond back?

You tell him simply, he has to keep his word and failing to do so will mean he looses you as a friend permanently. You have to protect your mind and body.

Now that you said the benefits have run out you cannot back down. You too have to keep your word.

In reality he needs to do a little growing up in order to have people not thinkg of him as a "heartless soul" it is usually because of selfish immature actions why he would think this.

Work may bring you two together at times but keep it professional and otherwise leave him alone. If you stop the texting, and conversation he will get the message. Don't drag this break-up out, and you can't spare his feelings by listening to anything he may say. Time to get a healthy life. Work on the relationship between you and your daughter and let this go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

The guys might learn something very important there. Trust me.

As much as I don't like hearing someone call me "very immature" or "needy"... I hear you! Truth hurts!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LUNAGODDESS

Are you the friend with benefits and not the partner...just what does your partner have to say about late booty rounds...you seemed to be motivated to perform...

No... I do not have a "partner" so to speak... just a fwb. We only "hook up" if both of us are not seeing someone. I am not going to keep my relationship with my fwb while seeing someone and visa versa.

Okay... let me ask yous this... why was I able to talk to my fwb's last girlfriend with no problem? They would come into the bar when I was working and I would sit and socialize with both of them and even sometimes just his girlfriend? This is why I think it has more to do with the fact that his last relationship was with my (as one time) close friend.

Explain this...

I think you have anwered your own question. You were all friends.

I'm not sure you can "break the cycle" and still remain friends with him. And that's precisely why everyone here is so opposed to the whole fwb idea. Naturally your friend became resentful once she wanted to date your fwb. That's why the bad-mouthing and criticism started. As for your fwb, if you don't want to talk about his "relationship" with her, just simply say "Please let's not talk about that." If he persists, stick to your guns. Same goes for any other topic you may not wish to discuss with your fwb. I won't say anything more since you don't want to hear it and I believe you already know it and don't have to hear it.

s_cianci... thank you for your words of encouragement! When I started this post I was over tired! I hope I didn't offend anyone and I truly DO appreciate your advise! My skin isn't as thick as I'd like it and I get defensive!

Thank you to everyone who posted!!

Thick skin is a good thing. Build barrier that people have to cross. It helps.